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4th and Krol: Week 17! The Final Picks Column for the ’15-’16 Season!

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Week 17:  Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

Week 17: Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…

Pagano

Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016

Kelly

Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015

Whis

Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015

Pettine

Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016

Philbin

Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015

Ryan

Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015

Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!

BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!

Shame

———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!

Yep, that's honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.

———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS

———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS

———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS

———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.

"I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway."

“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”

I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.

GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!

"That's it DT, you're being ejected for making obvious jokes."

“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”

GIANTS

———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…

He cares.

REDSKINS

———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.

"...shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y."

“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”

Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?

TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.

"Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol..."

“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”

Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS

———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!

 

"You know nothing, Bryan Krol."

“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”

"Really? Crap, I just bought a house..."

“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”

BENGALS

———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.

"Where's the craps table?"

“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”

STEELERS

———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS

———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?

"...and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!"

“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”

———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.

"Hey, out of all the teams that'll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?"

“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?

BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.

BRONCOS

———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER

———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.

You don't do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

I’d like to see a convincing Cardinals win here. Russell Wilson is still dangerous as hell, but that offensive line is in shambles, and the Cardinals can solidify their identity once and for all. And I think Bruce Arians is the type of guy to play at full steam and insist on making that statement.
CARDINALS
BMK: *pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries….*
SEAHAWKS

———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?

"Why? I'll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!"

“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!”

RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS

———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.

BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.

Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.

The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.

Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.

And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.

ed5e0302da32664085b6c5ee0cde8c86 Kat

I had dreams like this during puberty.

Kat Dennings 02

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

full-kat-dennings-4400af1757fa4d19e6b546338944204d-smaller-109284

"Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?"

"Nanobubbles, you say?"

"I CARE about Philip Rivers!"

"No you're not Kat...Nobody likes Tomsula."

15a4fd07421a476a706cc6a48de25bf9e9e985cd59084cb7c91374499446aae7

"I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo's system, but you wouldn't stop staring and drooling."

"Whatever..."

"No, you wouldn't."

Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn't call her...

"Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life."

"Wait...Krol's actually using analysis?"

This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...

 

4th and Krol: Week Sixteen

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Week Sixteen: this columns late! Where it been? Okay YOU think of something better!

Week Sixteen: this columns late! Where it been?
Okay YOU think of something better!

D.T.: Well folks, the time for sugary sprinklings over harsh realities has come and gone with the holiday. I won’t candy-coat it for you: we’ve got a LOT of games this week that simply don’t mean a thing.

"Football games are 'sposta mean somethin'?"

“Football games are ‘sposta mean somethin’?”

It’s been a strange season, and if you weren’t a gambling man before, then becoming one halfway through the 2015 NFL season would not have been a bad place to start. We’ve had some wacky-ass games here and there, but the playoff picture has been pretty well solidified as far back as the human eye can see. We’ve got a lot of games between eliminated teams and playoff-berth teams resting starters against eliminated teams that should probably just play down for draft picks.

"So they can be used in trades for me..."

“So they can be used in trades for me…”

 

BMK: Strange indeed, DT. If by strange you mean oddly dull.

We’ll do a season wrap-up next week, but the 2015 NFL season has lacked a lot of normal drama. There is almost no middle-class in football this year, which renders a lot of the games meaningless. Or maybe I’m just getting older and it takes a lot more to excite me. Personally, I blame The Dark Knight Returns.

On to the picks!

"Don't drag me into your bullshit, Krol...:

“Don’t drag me into your bullshit, Krol…”

———-

CHARGERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: For a match-up between two teams who barely stood a chance at the beginning of the season, and faded out with little fanfare, this game turned out to be pretty wacky. The one guy I know who cares about Oakland was on the edge of his seat all night. I expected the Raiders to win, but I didn’t expect such an oddly entertaining game.

RAIDERS

BMK: Oakland is an up and coming team. They’re not ready to take the next step yet, and they may never actually take that step, but of the two teams here in the Bay Area, they’re clearly trending the right way. Now if they can send Mark Davis back to his home on the Island of Misfit toys the team can really go somewhere. Maybe Goddell can force a sale…since Mark is stinkin’ up the joint around here.

Seriously, who lets this man out of the house looking like that?

Seriously, who lets this man out of the house looking like that?

RAIDERS

———-

REDSKINS at EAGLES

D.T.: If Washington wins, they clinch the NFC East at 8-7, and the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs. The fact that either of these teams are still in the running makes as much sense as the symmetry of Bradley Cooper’s face.

"Who the fuck is this white guy with the asymmetrical face?"

“Who the fuck is this white guy with the asymmetrical face?”

 

The ‘Skins will win and evil will prevail in the form of their front office.

REDSKINS

BMK: Ugh. How did it come to this?  Why are the Redskins going to win this division?  Why couldn’t the Giants not suck?

I heard a statistic that blew my mind. If the games were 75 seconds shorter, the Giants would be 10-4.  That kind of thing makes me a sad panda.

REDSKINS

———-

NINERS at LIONS

D.T.: I won’t bore you. Both of these teams are eliminated, and the Niners desperately need draft picks.

LIONS

BMK: People up here are making bets on which team will have fewer losses, the 49ers or the Warriors. Smart money’s on the Warriors.

LIONS

———-

STEELERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done, and the Steelers are looking to catch up to a vulnerable Bengals squad. You see where I’m going with this.

"...can you explain it to me like I'm five? Better make it three."

“…can you explain it to me like I’m five? Better make it three.”

 

STEELERS

BMK: Is Joe Flacco elite? No. No he’s not. But he’s a damn sight better than McCarron.

STEELERS

PS: I realized that AJ McCarron isn’t the QB for the Ravens this week. I got the Ravens and the Bengals confused. Oh well.

I’m keeping that up there since it’s true.

"You tell Krol that I've never heard of him either...AND that I have a date with Kat Dennings."

“You tell Krol that I’ve never heard of him either…AND that I have a date with Kat Dennings.”

———-

COWBOYS at BILLS

D.T.: Even fans of both teams have stopped caring.

…BILLS, I guess.

BMK: Their fans may have stopped caring, but we NEVER WILL!

Who am I kidding…

BILLS

———-

BEARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: This week is like the green bean casserole you ate on Friday: it looks like it’s substantial with some sort of value and worth, but it’s really just hollow calories and it doesn’t even taste good.

BEARS

BMK: GBC is disgusting the and people that enjoy it molest collies.  It’s science.

Seriously? Look at this garbage. It looks like a bum semen in a dish covered with gonorrhea.

Seriously? Look at this garbage. It looks like a bum semen in a dish covered with gonorrhea.

BEARS

———-

COLTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Colts are going to roll out Hasselbeck on a stretcher, and what’s left of their running backs are going to take turns propping him up to catch snaps. Dolphins, if you really want a late-season win for pride or morale or whatever, I guess this is your chance. I’d really take a look at that draft situation in April though… choose wisely.

 

"The ladies like to call the cops on me in Miami, but I look good in Teal... just saying."

“The ladies like to call the cops on me in Miami, but I look good in Teal… just saying.”

 

DOLPHINS

BMK: For me, the best part of watching the Dolphins season was seeing how completely ineffectual Suh was this year. This is why spending money on marquee free agents is almost never a good idea.

That said, they’ll still beat the Colts.

DOLPHINS

———-

PATRIOTS at JETS

D.T.: The Pats have already secured the division and a first round week off. Jets are a stepping stone towards securing the #1 seed in the AFC.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I’d like the Jets to win. Brandon Marshall seems like a good fellow and I’d like to see him get into the playoffs. But I just don’t seem them winning this week.

PATRIOTS

———-

TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: Good lord, the Texans haven’t been eliminated yet? Well, march on to that winning record, you pitied souls.

TEXANS

BMK: The Texans are the Toyota Tercels of the NFL. But the Titans are the Geo Metros.

Pictured: The Titans season.

Pictured: The Titans season.

TEXANS

———-

BROWNS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Looks like the Browns are going to finish the season with three wins, Mike Pettine is getting canned, and… yeah, two Browns players were arrested on Christmas fucking Morning. Someone move that accursed team to another city so they can win a Super Bowl in five years.

CHIEFS

BMK: Thank God they moved up to pick Manziel in the draft. His steady leadership at the QB position has turned the Browns around. Finally, a bright spot that Clevelanders can look to during their dark and miserable winter.

Ugh. The only people watching this game are degenerate gamblers and convicts seeking parole.

CHIEFS

———-

JAGUARS at SAINTS

D.T.: An awful twist of the knife at the end of an awful season would see a Jaguars victory over the Saints in the Superdome. With Brees possibly out due to a torn plantar fascia (is that going to become the new ACL?), it looks like that might be the case…

JAGUARS

BMK: Two titans of the south battling for dominance! No, I’m not talking about heart disease and diabetes! I’m talking about the Saints and Jaguars!

JAGUARS/DIABETES

———-

PACKERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals found themselves the NFC West Champions this year, after a staggering win against Philadelphia. However, in true Arizona fashion, they did so at the cost of a star defensive player. Tyrann Mathieu, in a garbage time play for an interception, tore his ACL again and will be out until next year. Whether or not his absence will be strongly felt against that on-again-off-again Packers offense remains to be seen. The Cardinals are a great home team this year though, and I expect them to keep the win streak alive on Sunday.

 

This beautiful motherfucker needs a nice new piece of jewelry, dammit.

This beautiful motherfucker needs a nice new piece of jewelry, dammit.

 

CARDINALS

 

BMK: I’m still sick about losing the honey badger for the year. This game will be a major test for the AZ defense, as Rodgers is still a dangerous QB, and Eddie Lacey is a talented running back. I think the Cardinals take it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if GB pulls it out.

I'll be honest, I'm putting this in here to troll my friend Dave Bushey.

I’ll be honest, I’m putting this in here to troll my friend Dave Bushey.

CARDINALS

———-

 

RAMS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Rams are eliminated, and in unspectacular fashion. I still expect this game to be a grudge match though, as this division is fierce and these teams really don’t like each other. There’s nothing worse in this sport than seeing someone go down with injury (besides seeing the Steelers win a Super Bowl), but I fully expect the Rams to take at least one or two ‘Hawks down with them in a brutal loss.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: All I want for Christmas is the Rams to beat the Seahawks. But I’m not going to get that.

SEAHAWKS

———-

GIANTS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Odell Beckham, Jr.’s childish antics with Josh Norman last week see him likely sitting out this week with a one-game suspension. I can’t tell if those two hate each other, or secretly want to fuck.

OBJ tried this same move on prom night, and couldn't understand why he was asked to leave the hotel room.

OBJ tried this same move on prom night, and couldn’t understand why he was asked to leave the hotel room.

That leaves Eli with little in the way of clutch play-making, and that’s bad news for a team still clinging to hope. On the flip side, the Teddy Bridgewatwer played incredibly well against the Bears last week (and that Giants secondary is soft as hell), but the Vikings are complete shit in the pressure that prime-time games bring. This one will be close, I think, but I’ll give it to the Vikings, and a sad end to the Giants season.

VIKINGS

BMK: The Giants are done, like your Aunt Millie’s marriage. Get over it. She did.

VIKINGS

———-

BENGALS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Did you guys know that the last Alabama quarterback to win an NFL game before AJ McCarron was in 1987? Jesus Christ, why would anyone want to play football there?

 

Oh, right...

Oh, right…

 

Okay, fair enough...

Okay, fair enough…

 

Alright, now that's a bit of a stretch.

Alright, now that’s a bit of a stretch.

Still, the first Alabama quarterback to win a pro game in nearly 30 years is coming up against what is still the number one defense in the league. And he’s still really green, with too much riding on this game in the way of a first-round bye. I’m torn, here. I don’t want to see the Broncos take a loss, but I don’t want to see the Steelers close the gap on the Bengals. So, I’ll let the Bengals wait until next week to clinch their division, and give the win to Denver.

BRONCOS

BMK: Why would anyone want to live in Alabama, let alone play football there? At least Georgia has Atlanta, which is a fairly cosmopolitan city. What does Alabama have? Birmingham? Eh…hard pass.

BRONCOS

———-

D.T.: Next week is it, folks. Tune in for the exciting conclusion of 4th and Krol — same Krol time, same Krol channel!

 

BMK: Thanks for reading! We’ll do something special to mark the end of the season next week.  Or maybe we won’t! You just never know around here!

And now, your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

ed5e0302da32664085b6c5ee0cde8c86

This post was written and compiled listening to the Dillinger Escape Plan and my brain screaming, “HEY IDIOT, THE GAMES ARE ON IN HALF AN HOUR!”

 

Written by B. Michael Krol

December 27, 2015 at 12:43 pm

4th Krol: Week Fifteen Picks!

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Week 15:  I've done this column so many times, I'm no longer green.

Week 15: I’ve done this column so many times, I’m no longer green.

D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.

"Actually, I'm the last surviving alum for the past 20 years."

“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”

Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!

BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!”  Now we’re getting something else.

One of the best episodes ever...and now I want ribs.

One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.

From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.

And Ms. Dennings, of course…

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…

———-

BUCCANEERS at RAMS

D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.

BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game.  Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters...

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…

RAMS

———-

JETS at COWBOYS

D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.

 

Can't wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

 

JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here...

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…

———-

PANTHERS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.

"First time ever being called 'monstrous' - alright!"

“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”

 
Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.

PANTHERS

BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week.  Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it.  I’m picking the Giants this week.

SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!

Eli aint even buying this pick...

Eli aint even buying this pick…

GIANTS

———-

TITANS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fuck off.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.

PATRIOTS

"I've killed THIS many Asian hookers today..."

“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”

———-

BILLS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.

 

"Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff."

“Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff.”

 

BILLS

BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.

I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!

BILLS

———-

CHIEFS at RAVENS

The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.

CHIEFS

BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.

This meme makes me laugh.

CHIEFS

———-

TEXANS at COLTS

D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.

 

"Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!"

“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”

 

TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse.  How, I don’t know.

TEXANS
———-

FALCONS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.

JAGUARS

BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field.  Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.

Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.

This came up when I Googled "Home Depot Sucks." I like it. It adds a bit of class.

This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.

JAGUARS

———-

BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.

VIKINGS

BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously?  Bears AND Vikings playing with each other?  That makes my black heart grow three sizes.

The Vikings will win.  Mostly because they’ll have swords.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

VIKINGS

———-

PACKERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.

 

Here's Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.

PACKERS

BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.

Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.

RAIDERS

———-

BROWNS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BENGALS at NINERS

D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.

 

He'd cry, if he had a soul... but, y'know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.

NINERS

BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.

NINERS

———-

DOLPHINS at CHARGERS

Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.

Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.

BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh?  Fine.

CHICAGO BULLS

“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”

———-

BRONCOS at STEELERS

D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.

 

"I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?"

“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”

Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.

Ugh… STEELERS

BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses.  I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.

I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?

STEELERs

———-

CARDINALS at EAGLES

D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.

 

And likely the Gatorade, too.

And likely the Gatorade, too.

Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.

CARDINALS

BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week.  Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.

CARDINALS

———-

LIONS at SAINTS

D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.

SAINTS

BMK: Forget it.

SAINTS

———-

D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.

Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).

 

BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat

 

4th and Krol: Week 14 Picks!

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Week 14: You Know Who Likes Butter? Paula Deen!

Week 14: You Know Who Likes Butter? Paula Deen!

D.T.: We’re down to the home stretch. The playoff situation is solidifying: the Panthers are the first to clinch their division and look to land a first round bye, while the Browns are the first team officially eliminated from the post-season. We’re still a ways off from Santa Clara though, and here’s where shit starts to get really interesting.
BMK: I’m writing this on Friday night from a hotel in AZ.  I grew up here, and when I lived here the Cardinals were never, ever considered a good team. They had one playoff victory and when I left for good in 2004. Despite having a very prolific draft in 2004 under Denny Green, the Cardinals were years away from being competitive.  Because of this, Phoenix was a basketball town and the Cardinals were an afterthought.

Well, it’s amazing what ten years will do. This town is football crazy. It’s approaching the wild fanaticism I saw when I lived in Pittsburgh. When the Steelers had a down year, that is. (Seriously, nothing can touch the Steelers fanbase.) I’ve seen more Cardinals hats and shirts in the last five hours than I ever did when I lived here. It’s gratifying. As a long term fan, I’m not used to seeing this. It’s sort of freaking me out.

Anyway, enough autobiographical horse puckey. On to the picks!
———-

VIKINGS at CARDINALS

D.T.: Yet another prime time game for Arizona, they play host to the Vikings, currently tied with Green Bay for 1st in the division. Arizona’s got some room for error, but they’re playing for the second seed in the NFC, while the Vikings are in do-or-die mode, looking to hold on to at least the 5th seed in the NFC North. After their embarrassment against Seattle last week, look to see Minnesota come out swinging — however, with Bridgewater struggling as much as he is, this game will be Cardinals Defense vs Adrian Peterson all night. And as great a season as AP is having, one man does not a team make.

CARDINALS

BMK: If you read the intro you, a) know that I’m writing this after this game was played, and b) you now know more about me than you ever wanted to. Rest assured, constant reader, that I picked the Cardinals to win this week and I told DT.  So there’s no chicanery here! No, sir!

Anyway, the Cardinals won, but there’s cause for concern going forward.  The Cardinals have lost leads in the last four games. Somehow they won them all, but still, Super Bowl contending teams don’t blow leads.

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at EAGLES

D.T.: Any given Sunday. That statement rings more true than ever after the Eagles tarnished the Patriots’ record yet again. It took injury to virtually all of New England’s receivers to do it, but Chip Kelly may live to coach another day in Philly. On the flip side, Buffalo’s offense looks pretty sharp, and their star receiver, Sammy Watkins, is poised to carve up that Eagles secondary. With Buffalo looking to climb above .500 and with a little more to fight for, I say they take it.

BILLS

BMK: Years ago, the “tough” kids at my school would wear No Fear T-shirts. Many of these shirts had little pithy sayings on them. My favorite was “Second Place is FIRST LOSER.” Why do I bring this up? Because the Eagles are in a three-way tie for first place in the NFC East, and in that division, first place is still the first loser. I mean, can you imagine any of those teams taking on the Seahawks and winning?  So yeah, congratulations, you could win the division, Eagles.  That don’t mean you’re going anywhere, pal.

What’s really funny is the Cowboys are only one game out of first, AND they have a better in-division record.  This is with a seven game losing streak.  If that division was a building, it woud’ve been condemned years ago.

EAGLES

———-

SEAHAWKS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done; a win against Seattle would be nothing more than a moral victory, but that shit just ain’t happening. Expect another Seattle blow out like last week against the Vikings.

RAVENS

BMK: What DT said. There’s no way Seattle loses this game. Especially if Jimmy Clausen is starting.

SEAHAWKS

———-

NINERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Another game that means next to nothing; the Browns are officially the first team eliminated from the post-season, and the Niners aren’t far behind. Johnny Manziel was let out of quarterback jail early out of sheer desperation (and possibly to get some more footage so they can trade him?), so it’s Johnny Fuckup against a Blaine Gabbert who showed some competency against the Bears last week. It’s safe enough to take the Niners here.

 

I had another joke in mind when I went Googling for Manizel photos. Then I found this. It's like the Mt. Rushmore of fucking douchebag assholes in entertainment. Sweet FUCKING Christ.

I had another joke in mind when I went Googling for Manizel photos. Then I found this. It’s like the Mt. Rushmore of fucking douchebag assholes in entertainment. Sweet FUCKING Christ.

 

NINERS

BMK: Good God, that picture is like a Murderer’s Row of Dipshits….

NINERS

———-

LIONS at RAMS

D.T.: The Lions very nearly beat the Packers last week, when an all-time highlight play was made by Aaron Rodgers to close the game in the final moments. The Lions have to be dejected after that loss, but they’ll be able to bounce back against the Rams this week. St. Louis found new levels of shame last week, as Jeff Fisher made concrete his removal after such staggeringly bad calls as faking a fake punt. That’s not a typo. The Rams are earning being called one of the worst offenses in league history. Enjoy your Sunday, Lions fans!

 

Dude, you got the Rams, Saints, Niners and Bears in the home stretch. Save that bullet for next year.

Dude, you got the Rams, Saints, Niners and Bears in the home stretch. Save that bullet for next year.

 

LIONS

BMK: A yes…the battle of the Fucked Up Franchises. The Lions can’t catch a break this year, despite having a very good QB, and the Rams can’t do anything right this year, because their QB situation is a Port-a-Potty fire.

In a battle like this, I usually go with the best QB.  Which is Stafford by a country mile.

By the by, Fisher is gone next year. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

LIONS
———-

TITANS at JETS

D.T.: The Jets sit currently at the number six seed for the post season while the Titans are already looking at having January off, with a record of 3-9. Mariota showed once again against the Jaguars last week that with a better team and a real, honest-to-goodness coach, he could be great. Then again, it was against the Jaguars’ defense. Jets take this one to the bank. That’s a saying, right?

JETS

BMK: Mariota has shown some flashes of being able to play at the professional level. Which is all you can really ask for when a team has a high enough draft pick to select a top-tier college prospect.  Hopefully the Titans can get their act together and surround this kid with some talent.  It’s a shame to waste a perfectly good QB.  Also, it’s shame to throw away a perfectly good white boy, too.

JETS

———-

STEELERS at BENGALS

D.T.: We come to the great AFC North battle of this season. With this win, the Bengals can clinch the division, and to do so against pretty much their only real divisional rival is a serious priority. They enjoyed a nice practice scrimmage against the Browns last week, while the Steelers had their way with a Colts squad entirely out of Luck.
 

"I don't like to use swear words, but that was really fucking lame."

“I don’t like to use swear words, but that was really fucking lame.”

Can the Bengals defense contain a nigh-unstoppable combination of Cheeseburger and Brown? That’ll be key for them on Sunday. Expect a high-stakes shootout, and a gritty fight between these two teams. As for the winner? I take the Bengals at home to clinch the division.

BENGALS

BMK: This is probably the best game of the week. There’s a lot going on here. The Steeler’s defense isn’t doing so hot, but Roethlisburger and Brown are one hell of a combo.

My head’s telling me to take the Bengals, but the Steelers have so much more to play for, and Andy Dalton is due for his late year slide.  So I’m taking the Steelers in the upset.

STEELERS

———-

COLTS at JAGUARS

D.T.: The downside to the excitement of the last few weeks of football is the fact that for every desperate, thrilling battle for a post season spot, we have a game that means jack fuckin’ shit. Yeah, the Colts are sitting on the 4th seed in the AFC playoff picture, but they’re out of steam, and will be little more than wild card round fodder — an easy stepping stone for another team to squeeze their way in. The Jaguars are also playing in this game. That’s about all I have to say about this one. Colts, I guess.

COLTS

BMK: Last week, I watched the Cardinals game in a nice little bar called Chaplin’s in Union City, CA. Behind me were two—TWO—Jaguars fans, each wearing a Bortles jersey. It was like seeing the Loch Ness Monster. Wearing a Blake Bortles jersey.

Anyway, there’s no way the Jaguars are going to win this game.

COLTS

———-

CHARGERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Last week, the Broncos beat the shit out of the Patriots, Brock Osweiler landed himself another win, and we got to see Rivers throw a fucking fit.

 

The most sourest grapes you ever saw.

The most sourest grapes you ever saw.

It was a pretty good day for Broncos fans, and fans of high comedy everywhere. And San Diego will take another loss this week in their shameful farewell tour as their last season known as the San Diego Chargers. Perhaps the Los Angeles Chargers will fare better…

CHIEFS

BMK: The Los Angeles Chargers aint going to fare any better.  This team is now in rebuilding mode, and they’re done. Rivers will never win a championship. He’ll have to be content collecting high-five figure speaking fees and doing television appearances and analysis after his career ends.

———-

REDSKINS at BEARS

D.T.: I didn’t bother watching the Redskins/Cowboys game on Monday night. I considered it for a moment, and then went about living my life. I can imagine how it went: a few field goals, both teams making stupid plays, probably a few seconds of talk about RGIII, lots of talk about Romo’s collarbone, and suddenly the game was over before anyone was aware anything had happened. I nailed it, right?

 

 Pictured: Two actual reactions to my spot-on estimation of last Monday's game.


Pictured: Two actual reactions to my spot-on estimation of last Monday’s game.

Expect this week to play out probably the same way, and the Redskins to take another boring, tired loss.

BEARS

BMK: I didn’t watch the game either, but Drew Magary (who’s my spirit animal) tweeted that the game was like watching a fish die. That’s the kind of simile I wish I had thought of.

Anyway…the game was awful, and now the NFC East has a logjam for first WHICH IS HILARIOUS.

I think I’m going to stay with DT’s prediction and go with the Bears.  Mostly because I can’t find a compelling reason not to. Cutler is a better QB than Cousins and the game is in Chicago.  So, yeah…why won’t the Bears win?  Beyond having an awful defense and no real offensive weapons…

BEARS

———-

FALCONS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers might take a loss before the post-season starts, but it sure as shit ain’t gonna be here. The Panthers are going to run roughshod all over their unfortunate divisional rivals.

 

I haven't forgotten about you, K-Ben. I miss you, boo.

I haven’t forgotten about you, K-Ben. I miss you, boo.

 

PANTHERS

BMK: I really hope the Panthers lose and soon. Cam Newton just irritates me. Anyway, like my colleague behind the Saguaro curtain says, there’s no way the Falcons are going to beat the Panthers. I mean, think about it. A falcon is just a large bird. There’s no way it can kill a panther. Even if that panther was a baby.

Yeah, I’m running out of things to say this week….so what?!?

PANTHERS

———-

SAINTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I’m sorry. I seriously could not care any less. It’s not because neither of these teams are any good, or that I wouldn’t like to see the Saints get one last divisional win after that grudge match of a loss against Carolina, but… this game doesn’t mean anything. It just doesn’t.

BUCCANEERS
BMK: You know what! This game means something to me.

Wait…no, it doesn’t.

SAINTS
———-

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sorry, Raiders fans. Your team is on the upswing, and things look to be getting better. A decent draft pick in 2016 will help, so take the hit and absorb it with pride. Osweiler leads the Broncos to a modest win in Denver this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: People in the Bay Area were in complete denial about the Raiders. Some were even talking playoffs. Good thing DT and I were immune to that kind of crazy talk!

Anyway, the Raiders are on the upswing. Carr has proven that he can play at the professional level, Amari Cooper could be a pretty good receiver, and hopefully Kahlil Mack will take the next step sometime in the next five years or so.  If they can do that and keep drafting well, the Los Angeles Raiders will be in serious contention for a Superbowl…

BRONCOS

———-

COWBOYS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Packers backslide has been intriguing and often bewildering, but nothing compared to how fucking bad the Cowboys are with Romo injured. Remember what I said before about one player not making a full team? It still rings true, but Dallas has lost all will to live with Romo inactive. They’re done for, and I honestly think what’s happened to that team this season in terms of morale will reverberate through the next couple of seasons to come.

PACKERS

BMK: It’s true, that one person does not a team make, but the QB is the most important part of the modern football team. (Insights like that are why 4th and Krol are shooting to the TOP of the sporting journalism world.) The Cowboys without Romo is like a Ferrari with an El Camino engine.  If that Ferrari was owned by a weasel drunk with power and wealth.

PACKERS

———-

PATRIOTS at TEXANS

D.T.: It’s looking doubtful that Gronkowski will return this week against the Texans. That gives Houston some hope, after seeing what a defunct Philly team was able to accomplish when Brady is the only offensive name on the field. I’m making this my upset of the week, and saying that the Texans find a way to upset and land a win against a Patriots team both hurt by injuries and comfy enough in the standings to play a soft game.

 

 "I'm gonna make him call me Gisele."


“I’m gonna make him call me Gisele.”

TEXANS

BMK: Without Gronk this team is like Ferrari without any wheels.  Useless, but still a better car than your Hyundai.

TEXANS

———-

GIANTS at DOLPHINS

 

D.T.: Two teams with very little chance of making the post-season, dropped onto a nation of viewers who will watch for a quarter, then switch to whatever dumb sitcom or singing show is on at the same time. The Giants couldn’t secure a win against a Jets team with no cornerbacks, and it’s a toss-up this week, as well. Maybe NBC should just take one of the betterSunday games, and re-air it, instead. They’d probably get better ratings through the 4th quarter. Do I have to pick someone? Okay, fine. Giants, I guess.

"No Coughlin joke this week? This must be the disappointment my dad feels this season."

“No Coughlin joke this week? This must be the disappointment my dad feels this season.”

 

"Eli... just shut up."

“Eli… just shut up.”

 

GIANTS
BMK: This game is like a Ferrari that’s been blown up and buried under several tons of shit.

GIANTS
———-

D.T.: And there’s week 14 on paper, with no take-backs. The league desperately needs to reevaluate the way in which teams achieve the post-season. Teams with horrible records looking to actually contend and even host a fucking game in the playoffs is a terrible thing we’ve seen all too often. Maybe it’s time to do away with divisions and seed solely on conference. In another 10-15 years, football will be as overdue for change as baseball. And that’s sad and depressing because even with all the awful bullshit we fans have to deal with, it’s still the most exciting game on the planet. That said, I’m excited for the games we know will be great this week, and I look forward to enjoying them all in person over beers with Krol. Shit’s gonna get silly.

 

BMK: Thanks for reading folks! Like DT said, I’m in AZ this weekend and we plan on getting loaded and watching football. Maybe we’ll record the podcast in that state. Who knows!  Next week, we’ll be back and better than ever. Maybe I’ll even have a new metaphor.

 

No promises.

 

Written by B. Michael Krol

December 13, 2015 at 11:23 am

4th and Krol: Week 13 Picks

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Week Thirteen: This is getting obscene.

Week Thirteen: This is getting obscene.

Note: Yes, I know this very late. But it’s early for week 14.

No, YOU shut up!

D.T.: Lucky number 13! Or at least it already has been for the Packers. Yes, dear readers, I’ve been lazy this week, with hammering work deadlines and celebrating my 32nd birthday, and I’ve only begun writing my half of this week’s column on a Friday. I am ashamed, but not nearly as ashamed as Jeff Fisher, who looks to be leading the Rams to their fifth consecutive loss, the end of their time in St. Louis, and likely an end to his tenure as their coach. But I’m putting the cart ahead of the horse here. Let’s get it on!

BMK: Jeff Fisher ashamed? Pshaw. Jeff Fisher has no shame.  That guy’s the Donald Trump of football coaches, only Donald Trump might have a shot of winning the big game.

———-

PACKERS at LIONS

D.T.: I swear, I picked the Packers to win. Krol and I usually text each other our picks on a game if we haven’t yet gotten the column up before the week begins. I really wanted to change my pick to Detroit at halftime, but my counterpart picked the Packers as well, and insisted we ride the sinking ship together.

Then this happened.

Then this happened.

Thank fuck they weren’t playing in Seattle, right?

PACKERS

BMK: Yeah, I left at halftime to go drink beers with English folk dancers at a bar in Emeryville, CA, not too far from the Pixar campus. When I got home, I watched the highlights, confident  that my decision was the right one.

And what do you know?  After an amazing sequence, the Packers pulled it off.

Aaron Rodgers has gotten a lot of grief lately (including some from yours truly), and a lot of it is well deserved.  But last night he showed us why he’s considered one of the best QB’s to ever play the game. Truly an amazing sequence.

Even if that was a blown face mask call.

PACKERS

———-

JETS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants had a real opportunity to put some ground between them and the Redskins for the lead in the NFC East, but utterly shit the bed. This is another big opportunity for them to fuck up, as they take on the Jets and the Redskins are poised to take another divisional win against the Cowboys. Odell Beckham, Jr. continues to be a human highlight reel, though, and with Revis Island out of the picture and Antonio Cromartie having a shit year, he might be all the Giants need to secure a win this week. It’s 50/50, but I give it to the Giants over their New York roommates.

"Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!"

“Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!”

BMK: The NFC East, for my money, is the last interesting divisional race. I want to see how bad it’ll get before someone is awarded a home playoff game. Mostly because having the Redskins win the division and host a playoff game will amuse me to no end. In a real, “some men just want to watch the world burn” sort of way.

"DT's getting a yellow card for a basic, 'Tom Coughlin is old' joke."

“DT’s getting a yellow card for a basic, ‘Tom Coughlin is old’ joke.”

Anyway, I guess I have to pick this game. I liked the Jets early on, but now they’re falling to pieces. Just like my hopes and dreams.

GIANTS

 

———-

CARDINALS at RAMS

D.T.: The Cardinals are going to win this one, but the question is at what cost? Their running game is stripped of both Chris Johnson and Andre Ellington, and it’s up to star rookie David Johnson to step up. This is scary, two-fold: Johnson has shown great promise and skill already in his career, but he’s prone to fumbles and he lacks the finesse that comes with experience. What’s more is that it leaves more of the burden on Carson Palmer to move the chains, and St. Louis will be gunning for him. HARD.

"You wouldn't take a guy's knees THREE times, right?"

“You wouldn’t take a guy’s knees THREE times, right?”

If the Cardinals defense shows up and contains what’s being called one of the worst offenses in the history of the league, and if the Arizona offensive line can keep Palmer safe, we’ll probably see a rough and tumble, too-narrow-for-comfort Arizona victory.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous, as a Cardinals fan. For all the reasons my partner outlined above.

I really have nothing to add…except my usual dose of skepticism.

RAMS

———-

FALCONS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Does it really matter? I mean, really? The Panthers have this shit locked down, and no one else in that division is even playing for pride anymore. The Falcons lost to the Vikings last week, and the Bucs to an ailing Indy squad with Hasselbeck under center. That’s not a slight against Hasselbeck, but come on. Fuck it, I’m going all out and calling this game a TIE

BOTH TEAMS LOSE

BMK: The NFC South finally broke DT.  But he’s right on the analysis. Does anyone need to see this contest? I mean, win or lose, if you’re a fan of either of these teams you either live in Florida or Georgia; you’re sort of fucked from the word go.  To be fair, despite past their prime webmasters living there, Atlanta is nicer than Florida. Marginally, anyway.

Hell, I’m going with the Buccaneers, cause I believer in Jameis Winston, the way I believed in Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

BUCCANEERS

———-

Seahawks at Vikings

D.T.: The one damned time I root for the Steelers to win at anything, and they let me down. Now Seattle has momentum from beating a team they likely shouldn’t have, and they’re going up against another team they’ve got a fair enough shot at beating. Adrian Peterson is back at the top of his game though, and just might march through that struggling Seattle defense. The Legion of Boom might become the Legion of Whom? at the end of this season, and as much as I don’t care for Peterson, I wouldn’t mind seeing Minnesota contribute to that.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m taking the Vikings. Mostly for emotional reasons. I want them to beat the Seahawks. Hell, I need them to beat the Seahawks. To paraphrase Steve Martin in LA Story, “Picking the Vikings to beat the Seahawks may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at BEARS

D.T.: Anyone who watched the Niners/Cardinals game last weekend deserves an apology from the NFL, and reimbursement for any money spent attempting to enjoy that travesty of football. Something seriously needs to be done about the state of this sport’s quality, and quickly. The sport is too popular and too profitable to allow it to fall into the same level of mismanagement and internal decay as the Niners organization themselves.

"I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.'s comment, but... nah, I can't give a fuck."

“I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.’s comment, but… nah, I can’t give a fuck.”

This game should be a black hole for highlights, and I think Chicago will take an unconvincing win.

BEARS

BMK: Yeah, that Cardinals/49ers game was brutal. I’ll even say it: the Cardinals were outplayed by the 49ers.  But like all good teams, the Cardinals found a way to win, and the 49ers were thrown even further into despair. These guys even fired their team President. Sorry—they mutually agreed to part ways.

That euphemism needs to be retired. Retired like how Harrison Ford retired Joanna Cassidy in Blade Runner.

Anyway, the Bears are playing better, the “enigmatic”  Jay Cutler is being a decent QB, and plus the 49ers just stink.  That all adds up to a victory by the…

BEARS

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

———-

JAGUARS at TITANS

D.T.: Didn’t these assholes just play each other? I’m just glad they’re not wearing those fucking Color Rush uniforms again. Jaguars will take another win.

JAGUARS

BMK: The AFC South race to the bottom used to interest me. Now I’m enamored with the NFC East. As such, I can’t be bother to talk about this awful match up.

JAGUARS

———-

TEXANS at BILLS

D.T.: It’s really weird that it’s taken the Texans this long into the season to start building some momentum. But, I guess when you’re in a division with the Titans and Jaguars, it’s literally never too late to make a play for the post-season. The Bills are in a bit of a freefall, and with the way Houston has been playing on both sides of the ball in the last couple of weeks, I think they’re set for a win in Buffalo. But does anyone really win anything when they’re in Buffalo, New York?

Nope.

Nope.

TEXANS

BMK: I once went to a wedding in Buffalo, New York. In December. It sort of sucked and so did the chicken wings from the place that invented them. That said, a colleague of mine from law school lives there. We were out drinking and eating at a quaint French joint in Palo Alto and he told me that you can buy a “palace” there for not a lot of money.

“Yeah,” I said, “but then you’re still in fucking Buffalo.”

I felt very clever and smug till I drove back home to my shack in Hayward that I paid way too much money for.

TEXANS

———-

RAVENS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Last week, the Ravens destroyed what little hope and happiness Browns fans still possessed. That broken Baltimore team marched into Cleveland looking like the Browns might secure a convincing divisional win against their most hated rivals. Instead, they snatched a narrow loss away, leaving already dejected and suicidal Browns fans even more depressed and miserable.

 And this jersey cost two months' average salary in Northern Ohio...

And this jersey cost two months’ average salary in Northern Ohio…

Now they’re going to embarrass the Miami Dolphins, who have run out of people to fire.

RAVENS

BMK: Not so fast DT. The Dolphins just fired me. L

RAVENS

———-

BENGALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Good fucking god, have pity on Cleveland.

BENGALS

BMK: Here’s a little more inside baseball for the 4th and Krol reader out there. When DT turns his half of the column in, I try to write less where he’s written more and vice versa. However, what the hell do I say about this game? The Bengals are going to win, the outcome will never be in doubt, and Cleveland residents will still exist in some permanent ghost state of despair. The world will march past them, and they’ll have to watch us all progress in our lives, like a hungry man looking through a window at a nice restaurant.  Their souls will never know peace; never know satisfaction; never know hope, until the grey raincloud of this world recedes and their souls go off to a far green country.

Then they’ll find out they’re in Kentucky and everything still sucks.

BENGALS

———-

CHIEFS at RAIDERS

D.T.: I thought the Chiefs might have been looking at a chance at the AFC West, but that was before the Brockpocalypse started, and Osweiler showed us that spending your career watching Peyton Manning from the sidelines actually makes you a pretty okay professional quarterback. So now the Chiefs and Raiders duke it out for the number two spot, and maybe I’m crazy, but I think the Raiders might take this one. They’ve earned a lot of good will this year, and a divisional win at home would be a delight for a fanbase that’s probably going to lose their team at the end of this season.

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are such an “enigmatic” franchise this year. Sometimes they look good, sometimes they look bad. It’s almost as if they’re a mediocre team. Who knew?

CHIEFS

———-

BRONCOS at CHARGERS

D.T.: So Brock Lobster toppled the previously undefeated Patriots, injured Gronkowski and made Belichick show emotion. That’s pretty fucking impressive, Denver. For a team that most people were on the verge of writing off, they’ve come back in a big way and they’re going to kick the shit out of poor Rivers and whoever else they’ve got walking out of the tunnel at Qualcomm Stadium. Then again, if they somehow lose to the Chargers, the entire sports media will be right back to saying they’re done. C’est la vie.

BRONCOS

BMK: Right now my brain is telling me to take the Broncos.  The Chargers are not going anywhere and Brock Osweiler has more to play for this week than Philip Rivers. Of course, trying as I am to be the Statler and Waldorf of football, if the Chargers beat the Broncos, there’ll be more chaos in Denver and thus, more for me and DT to talk about on the podcast. So I’m going with my heart again.

CHARGERS

———-

EAGLES at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Enjoy your rebound from last week’s lost, Patriots fans. And enjoy unemployment, Chip.

"Chip Kelly knows you're joking because Chip Kelly hasn't lost any games and wouldn't get fired. Now if you'll excuse Chip Kelly, Chip Kelly needs to go suck Chip Kelly's dick."

“Chip Kelly knows you’re joking because Chip Kelly hasn’t lost any games and wouldn’t get fired. Now if you’ll excuse Chip Kelly, Chip Kelly needs to go suck Chip Kelly’s dick.”

PATRIOTS

BMK: That joke was beyond the boundary of good taste, DT.

PATRIOTS

———-

PANTHERS at SAINTS

D.T.: I’m already thinking of ways to console my friend in New Orleans. Fuck me, this is gonna be ugly for the Who Dats.

PANTHERS
BMK: We’ll see. I want the Panthers to lose. So I’m taking the Saints.

I’m going crazy this week I think.
———-

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: As heartwarming as it would be to see Hasselbeck lead the Colts to victory against the evil that is Pittsburgh…

I mean, come on. You've got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it's Pro Bowl team sorted out.

I mean, come on. You’ve got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it’s Pro Bowl team sorted out.

…that shit sadly isn’t going to happen. Especially at Heinz Field.

STEELERS

BMK: Pittsburgh’s not evil. At least the town isn’t. Sure, it’s sort of ugly, and the natives have baffling accents, but there’s some great Italian food there, and you can find awesome French fries at the Big O in Oakland.

And…uh…hmmm…

Yeah, the Colts are going to lose.

STEELERS

———-

COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Another utterly lackluster Monday Night game, leaving us all a little hollow and unfulfilled the following Tuesday morning. Romo made a brief reappearance and won a game, then promptly left again for the season. The QB situation in his absence has been so bad that even Jerrah Jones, who – in a combination of senility and hubris – prides himself on being a fine NFL owner and GM, has given himself an “F” rating for his handling of things. The Redskins are going to take a divisional win, and a lead in the division. We’re going to keep hearing that “You like that?!” shit for another week, and… fuck me, we’re probably going to see the Redskins in the postseason. They’ll get fucking slaughtered in the first round, but assholes like Dan Snyder and Jay Gruden will feel an itch of justification and validation, and we’ll continue to see the Redskins flounder in their current situation for seasons to come.

REDSKINS

BMK: At this point, Tony Romo is like the special guest star on the Cowboys. He shows up, some good things happens, then he’s done for the year. Sort of like when Colonel Flagg shows up on MASH.

Anyway, the Redskins march to the playoffs continues unabated this week.

REDSKINS

———-

DT: And on that happy note, we’re done! Next week should be interesting: I’ve been informed that B. Michael Krol will be once again gracing the Valley of the Sun (that’s in Arizona, folks) with his presence. There’s plans in the works for the two of us to spend all of next Sunday drowning in football (and no doubt female fans of 4th and Krol throwing themselves at us). We might have to do something special to commemorate the event. Anyway, looking forward to next week! Thanks for reading, as always!

 

BMK: Yep. Another week in the books. DT’s right, I will be in AZ next week so maybe we’ll record our podcast on Sunday.

 

Thanks for reading!

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat Dennings 02

This post was written to another techno playlist and the sounds of pugs fighting.

Written by B. Michael Krol

December 6, 2015 at 12:24 pm

4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!

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Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

"Wait... I thought we were supposed to throw the women."

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I'm thankful for you.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia.  This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Eagles dog, I'm thankful for you!

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I'm thankful for you.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude's adorable...

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here's this...

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don't have cheerleaders, so here's Kloi again. I'm very thankful for her.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay?  Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats.  I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I'm thankful for you. And you.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.

TEXANS

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day.  Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I'm thankful for you!

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously...this dude looks like Dexter.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I'm thankful for you!

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I'm fierce! Like Bridgewater!

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don't have cheerleaders either, so here's Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos.  But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares?  Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

This guy, however, does NOT care.


———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I'm thankful for YOU!

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally,  Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I'm VERY thankful for you!

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep...Blaine Gabbert.

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls...

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I'm... I just... damn, girl.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack.  Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset.  Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie's people need to get with it...

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along...

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader.  I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful.

BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup.  Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit?  This is just embarrassing, NFL.

You'd think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.

"Really, Krol?"

“Really, Krol?”

—————–

 

D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).

 

BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.

See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.

Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Smart AND sexy

Smart AND sexy

This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.

 

4th and Krol: Week Eleven Picks

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Week Eleven: This Aint Exactly Heaven

Week Eleven: This Aint Exactly Heaven

D.T.: Well, folks, I think we’re gonna blow through this real quick and then go drinking.

Which is exactly what these four fuckers, responsible for the NFL schedule, said in April.

Which is exactly what these four fuckers, responsible for the NFL schedule, said in April.

It’s easily the worst week of the season, so far. There’s literally only one five-star game, and the rest are either terrible mismatches, or just plain dull. Here we go!
BMK: Again with a slate of crappy games. Really, this year has been devoid of positive drama. Certain teams pulled ahead and stayed that way. The only real drama in the division race is in the AFC South, and that’s only to see how shitty those teams can be and still win a division. Not exactly compelling sports entertainment.
The NFC North race could be interesting, but with Rodgers injured it seems fait accompli that the Vikings will overtake them. The Packers will be in the playoff mix but also seem fated for an early exit (see also Broncos, Denver).
Other than those two situations, it’s been pretty dull this year. At least compared to other years.
Who would’ve thought once they got Brady to stop deflating footballs things would get so damned dull?
Oh well—still better than baseball.
On to the picks!

———-

TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: How is this game not played in London? Aside from the fact that it’s the Titans and Jaguars, which is reason enough to find something else to do, they’re wearing truly terrible “Color Rush” uniforms. Remember the awful Jets and Bills Color Rush uniforms last week that made the game nearly impossible to look directly at? The Jaguars’ uniforms make those look like Jennifer Lawrence wearing nothing but a smile.

Brought to you by Heinz Mustard.

Brought to you by Heinz Mustard.

The only people who should be watching this game are blind, deaf and have no idea the TV is on. Even then, they’ll probably sense something terrible is happening.

Fucking JAGUARS, I guess.

BMK: Watching this game will be like being in a machine that kicks you in the nuts repeatedly.

Wasn’t that a Franz Kafka novel?

JAGUARS

———-

RAIDERS at LIONS

D.T.: Something’s wrong with the Packers that enabled Detroit to beat them, and I think I know what it is:

"Green Bay has lost every game since this commercial first aired."

“Green Bay has lost every game since this commercial first aired.”

I don’t even know what kind of unspeakable evil pact has been made in an attempt to win again this week against Oakland. How do you persuade Satan himself to forsake his favorite team?

""But I thought WE were Lucifer's favorite...""

“But I thought WE were Lucifer’s favorite…”

The Lions had that one game this season that convinced their fanbase not to kill themselves. I hope they enjoyed it because the Raiders are going to beat them and make them feel even worse than before.

RAIDERS

BMK: Last week I got snakebit by hometown team. NEVER AGAIN! So I’m not picking them this week out of dirty, dirty, spite.

But, if you want an intellectual point to hang your hat on, here’s one: the Raiders rank second to last in pass defense and the Lions rank 8th in pass offense.  Plus, Aldon Smith is gone, and Kahlil Mack hasn’t done squat this season. So yeah, Stafford and the boys will pull this one out.

"Krol said what?  Goddamn it, I'm gonna get him! Right after this tasty cocktail..."

“Krol said what? Goddamn it, I’m gonna get him! Right after this tasty cocktail…”

LIONS

———-

COLTS at FALCONS

D.T.: Before they’re Bye last week, the Falcons managed to lose to a terrible team with a fucking terrible back-up quarterback.

"Which bumped this image to only the second most embarrassing thing Matt Ryan can never get off the internet."

Which bumped this image to only the second most embarrassing thing Matt Ryan can never get off the internet.

This week they face off against a terrible team with a QB that’s no longer chained to a fucking moron of a coordinator, and one of two guys who played through Denver’s defense successfully. Goodnight, Matty Ice.

COLTS

BMK: I ruined DT’s vacation last week, so now he ruins my libido with that Matt Ryan picture this week. Thanks DT.

FALCONS
———-

RAMS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Rams have benched Nick Foles, saying he just needs a “break”. That’s sweet talk for “You’re fucking fired, kid. We’d rather put Case Keenum in against that struggling Baltimore defense than you.” And after losing to the Bears 37-13 last week, I can’t even blame them. The Ravens are poised for a possible comeback after being embarrassed by Jacksonville last week.

RAVENS

BMK: This is a more interesting matchup than it first appears.  The Ravens aren’t necessarily a bad team. Yes, yes, I know that hoary cliché about being what your record is, and I agree with that. Mostly.

"You're mostly what your record says you are. Mostly."

“You’re mostly what your record says you are. Mostly.”

However, the Ravens have a top-10 rushing defense, and a QB that’s very good, which should be enough to slow down the Rams, who are in the midst of their annual fade. Plus they’re at home. That should be enough to win.

But if there’s one thing this column has demonstrated over the past two years is that I don’t know shit about football.

RAVENS

———-

BUCCANEERS at EAGLES

D.T.: Well, Sam Bradford got hurt, so some things remain predictable in the NFL. It’s the Return of Sanchize, and I’m sure Eagles fans are dreading it, while Buccaneers fans are licking their chops.

"Gonna steal this game like it was crab legs."

“Gonna steal this game like it was crab legs.

BUCS

BMK: Winston vs. the Sanchize?  Now that’s a recipe for compelling TV!

BUCS

———-

BRONCOS at BEARS

D.T.: Well… fuck. Peyton Manning tore his plantar fascia, which is otherwise known as that long, hard ligament in your foot that connects your heel to your toe. For those that don’t get the kind of medical care that pro athletes receive (outside of head injuries), the recovery time is anywhere from 8-12 weeks. That means Brock “Lobster” Owseiler gets his first ever NFL start after spending his career behind Manning, and may very well finish out the season under center. Sunday’s depressing loss against the Chiefs could be the last game Peyton Manning ever plays. Aqib Talib is back after his suspension, so expect Denver’s defense to contain Cutler, and allow Brock time to get acclimated on the field and show signs of competence.

BRONCOS

BMK:  I’m with DT on this one.  The Denver defense is very good and shouldn’t have any problem with Cutler.  That should give Owseiler a good chance to win the game.
BRONCOS
———-

JETS at TEXANS

D.T.: The Texans knocked the Bengals off, and ruined their perfect season, and Brian Hoyer can’t even remember it because he suffered a concussion. Must be a complete bummer for your team to do the most noteworthy thing it’ll probably do all year, and not be able to recall it. Unless you’re Tom Coughlin, in which case you barely remember which fucking team you’re coaching on any given day.

The proud coach of Syracuse University, since 1969.

The proud coach of Syracuse University, since 1969.

So, the Texans are rolling out with… wait, who’s their backup? Who cares – that Jets defense is feasting a week before Thanksgiving.

JETS

BMK: I have literally been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with something to write about this game.  Is anyone outside of New York interested in this? If so, why?

The Jets are going to win. The Texans are a complete disappointment. Both on a football level and a moral one.

"What do you mean disappointing morally? This cow was humanely raised...until I ripped its throat out with my teeth. But before I did that, I made it watch me kill its parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne style. Oh...maybe you have a point."

“What do you mean disappointing morally? This cow was humanely raised…until I ripped its throat out with my teeth. But before I did that, I made it watch me kill its parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne style. Oh…maybe you have a point.”

JETS

———-

REDSKINS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The most head-scratching event in a true head-scratcher of a week was the Redskins kicking the utter shit out of the Saints (47-14). The result was the dismissal of Saints coordinator Rob Ryan, unattractive daughter of football villain Buddy Ryan, and sister of current Buffalo coach, Rex Ryan. New Orleans’ defense put on a horrifying display, allowing Kirk Cousins 4 touchtowns and zero interceptions. A perfect quarterback performance and rating of 158.3. Will that same type of performance roll into Carolina this week? Probably not.

PANTHERS

BMK: Raise your hand if you thought the Panthers were going to be undefeated. Yeah, put your hand down. You didn’t.  No one saw this coming.  I think they’ll stay that way after Sunday.  I just don’t see the Redskins having enough firepower to slow them down.  That said, I don’t completely buy into the Panthers. We’ll see come playoff time.

PANTHERS

———-

COWBOYS at DOLPHINS:

D.T.: Romo is back, and looking for satisfaction. He’s gonna find it against a Dolphins squad that barely squeezed out a win against Philly last week.

COWBOYS

BMK: Romo was officially activated on Saturday. I know what that means, but it sounds so…robotic?  Like Jerry Jones has all these Romo clones in his house, a la Sam Rockwell in Moon, and just sends them out to play football the loot the surrounding towns after nightfall.

Lobot rules.

Lobot rules.

———-

CHIEFS at CHARGERS

D.T.: Kansas City had their way with the ailed Broncos squad last week, like Prince backstage with groupies of probably both genders. They’ve made a habit this season of marching through vulnerable teams, and with San Diego in their current state – literally only one, arguably two consistently great players on that squad, and knowing full well that they’re moving to LA – I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Chiefs chalk up another divisional win in their quest to achieve second place in the AFC West.

"How can us win football if only one person on team?"

“How can us win football if only one person on team?”

It’s a bad year for Chargers fans. Not only are they losing their team, but those who would continue to follow them after the move will likely lose their team’s saving grace in Rivers. Anyway, the Chiefs will win. Also, everything on the Chargers’ jerseys looks like lazily-cut-out iron ons.

CHIEFS

BMK: Oh boo-hoo. Poor Chargers fans. They live in a decent city that was heavily featured in both Anchorman and Simon & Simon, and…uh…um…

Yeah, things sort of suck for Chargers fans.

CHIEFS

———-

PACKERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: I’ve said before that there’s something really wrong in Green Bay, but I can’t piece together what it might be. Losing to the Lions – even if divisional games are traditionally clusterfucks – is confounding. At this rate, I’m comfortable giving the Vikings a win that warms their fans’ hearts. Especially the way Adrian Peterson has been running, so far; that Green Bay defense is toast.

VIKINGS

BMK:  What’s wrong in Green Bay? I tell you what’s wrong in Green Bay. First of all, it’s in Wisconsin. So people eat entirely too much goddamn cheese. Second of all, it’s represented by Reid Ribble, who is a complete tool.  Seriously, this dude was in the House Freedom Caucus. There are the brainiacs that want the US to default, sending the world into economic chaos because freedom.  Third, Aaron Rodgers is injured, so he’s playing crappy.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: As a Cardinals fan, whoever wins… I win! HAH! But really, this is gonna be ugly and Seattle will win by a reasonable margin.

SEATTLE

BMK: Oh my god…I sort of feel for Blaine Gabbart. This is going to be the worst slaughter since Gigli was released.

This movie is worse than a 1000 Hitlers.

This movie is worse than a 1000 Hitlers.

SEATTLE

———

BENGALS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The only reason to watch football this Sunday, unless you’re out of market, in which case you need to get to a sports bar and watch it anyway. It’s seriously the only remotely decent game this weekend, and with good cause. The Bengals are looking to bounce back after a really off day against Houston, and the Cardinals are looking to keep the fire burning after a thrilling win in Seattle last week. That win was the first step in solidifying their legitimacy as contenders this season, and a win against the visiting Cincy squad this Sunday will cement it. This game is going to be Patrick Peterson vs AJ Green, super hardcore to the max. Arizona’s offense has the confidence and weapons to beat that Bengals secondary, but Dalton and AJ Green – looking for redemption – are deadly as fuck, and Arizona’s defense will have to play hard and fast to contain. I say they do it. Still, I worry that Carson Palmer will get the yips against his former team, like he did with the Raiders earlier this season…

CARDINALS

BMK: Second time in as many weeks for Arizona to be on the Prime Time stage. What will happen? I’m thinking AJ Green will explode on the field. Like literally explode. It’ll be really messy but since the Cardinals wear red uniforms, no one will know. And then when he’s just lying there and everyone on the Bengals sideline are looking around saying, “Hey, where’s AJ” and then someone, probably Darryl Washington, since he’s got nothing else to do, will say, “Hey man, AJ just exploded. That’s his spleen on Drew Butler’s pants,” then everyone will feel bad but Palmer will still throw for 300 yards. Or something.

I’m going to myself a favor and not read that paragraph back. I think it’s better just to let it be.

"I think he's finally gone off the deep end."

“I think Krol’ss finally gone off the deep end.”

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fucking hell… NFL, how are you going to end a week like this with a game like this? And why do you give the Patriots such a soft fucking schedule from beginning to end so that we’re all forced to watch them go undefeated and hear their fans herald Brady as the second coming? Fuck off, football schedule guys, and fuck off Patriots for getting yet another predictable win to round off a crappy week of football.

PATRIOTS

BMK:  Did you guys know that there are videos on the internet of people bathing baby sloths?  Fuck this noise, I’m watching those.

PATRIOTS

———-

D.T.: Well, there it is. We got through it, Krol – through sheer will alone. At least in week 12, we have Thanksgiving football to look forward to. Dallas/Carolina should be entertaining, and the copious amount of left over turkey and stuffing will make the rest of the football weekend tolerable. Thanks for reading, folks!

 

BMK: Good god, that was painful.  I’m thinking we need to develop a 4th and Krol drinking game. Suggestions are welcome.

 

Thanks for reading! And listening! Next week on the podcast, DT and I will discuss whether the NFL is too big. And probably digress into Venezuelan politics. Probably.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Even she can't save this column from itself.

Even she can’t save this column from itself.

This column was written and compiled while listening to Ryan Adams 1989 and the nagging voice in my head that I really should do these columns before Saturday night.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 21, 2015 at 9:19 pm

4th and Krol: Week 10 Picks! Get Em While They’re Hot!

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Week Ten: Bigger than Big Ben!

Week Ten: Bigger than Big Ben!

D.T.: So, Krol, what deal did you make with the devil to boost your picks from week nine? We’re tied up now, and I can’t think of an earthly reason why. I kid, of course, but there were some fucking wacky games this week, and out of 13 match-ups, I picked an astounding four of them correctly. This season has been fucked up, and it’s only getting more fucked up.

BMK: I’m with you, DT. This season has been fucked up. But the important part is that I’m neck and neck with you, Mr. I Actually Know Things about Football. So ha!

On to the picks!

———-

BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get this division. The only thing that ever makes any sense is the Patriots, and that’s depressing.

"I find it incredibly exhilarating. Can you tell?"

“I find it incredibly exhilarating. Can you tell?”

Last week, both Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins returned to the field, and mopped the floor with the Dolphins. This week they go against another divisional rival, and try to do the same to Rex Ryan’s old team. Which team will Rex be coaching when he takes on the Bills next season? I’m at a loss trying to make heads or tails of the Dolphins, Bills and Jets. If I was a serious fan of these teams, I’d be exhausted by now. My pick?

JETS
BMK: I’m going with the Jets also. Mostly because Sexy Rexy irritates me and I think Ryan Fitzpatrick has the most epic beard in the NFL right now. So there’s no way they can lose. NONE!

JETS
———-

LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Now here’s a division that makes sense. The Packers are great and always will be. The Vikings will always sneak up and try to upset. The Bears and Lions are destined to be terrible for a while yet, regardless of who Detroit fires in their rage-quit.

PACKERS

BMK: When I think of the Lions, I picture a diminutive Martha Ford walking through the offices like the Angel of Death of the old testament, firing people willy-nilly, while Jim Caldwell cowers in his office, like Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. If I’m feeling especially perverse, I picture Ford walking up to Caldwell and laying a “I pardon you,” on him like Ralph Fiennes did in Schindler’s List, and then just walking away.

Yeah, this football column made a Schindler’s List and Terminator reference.

Yeah, this guy just SCREAMS master race, doesn't he?

Yeah, this guy just SCREAMS master race, doesn’t he?

———-

COWBOYS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I may have lost my ability to see who will win, but I’ve been right on the money about which games will be spectacles, for good or bad. The Cowboys/Eagles game ended up being an shootout that went into overtime, with both QBs firing off passes for nearly 300 yards a piece. More on that later. For now, expect this game to be another weird one, because neither of these teams are predictable. Both boast QBs who are more than solid on a good day, terrible the next, and runners who can be absolutely explosive if they can break loose. I’m gonna go with the Cowboys, just because Matt Cassel shocked the shit out of me last week.

I mean, the dude can't even aim straight when he's kissing his wife.

I mean, the dude can’t even aim straight when he’s kissing his wife.

COWBOYS

BMK: Good God, this game is a dilemma. I’ve been burned taking both of these teams.  DT lays the case against both pretty well up there. Me?  I’m pretty anti Cowboys right now, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick Tampa Bay.

Incidentally, I originally called this game a Hobbesian choice. HOWEVER, research showed me that having to make a choice between two shitty football teams is not a Hobbesian choice. A Hobbesian choice is a choice between something and nothing. So, for example, a Hobbesian choice would be me choosing to not date anyone else besides Kat Dennings.

"He has NO chance!"

“This is my ‘He has no chance’ dance.”

BUCCANEERS

———-

PANTHERS at TITANS

D.T.: I mean, seriously. The Titans knocked off the fuckin’ Saints, and Mariota out-threw Drew Brees?! Fuck you, Ken Whisenhunt. The Titans were out to make a statement last week, and they made it: you won’t be the head coach of another NFL team for a long time. However, that statement may be cut short when they come up against the Panthers this week – the team who took down the Packers and held on to an 8-0 record. The Titans will fight hard, but they’re outmatched this week.

PANTHERS

BMK: Cam Newton is a sociopath, but he should be able to beat the Titans. Remember the Titans?

No, not you a-holes.

No, not you a-holes.

PANTHERS

———-

BEARS at RAMS

D.T.: The Rams found themselves in a nail-biter of a dirty match against the Vikings last week. In their quest to destroy every Quarterback they cross, they managed to knock Teddy Bridgewater out cold, leaving everyone watching stunned and concerned for that little guy’s safety. Minnesota would come back to secure a narrow win after giving the Rams the kick-off in overtime. I don’t know which hurt more: Teddy’s severe concussion, or Foles knowing that team did not fear him at all.

"Uh...t he severe concussion."

“Uh…the severe concussion.”

This week, the Rams and Bears square off, and Jay Cutler might actually be murdered on the field.

RAMS

BMK: I hate picking teams that I despise, and I despise the Rams.  Yet, I can’t take the Bears. The Monsters of the Midway suck this year, and will for the foreseeable future. The Rams are on the upswing, which means that scumbag Greg Williams is still employed.

RAMS

———-

SAINTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The educated guess on this one goes to the Saints, but could either of these two teams be any more difficult to read? Their fans have had a tough time of it, too. The Who Dats prematurely accept defeat every week, while the Redskins were so amped over a one point win in week 7 that a small culture phenomenon sprouted in DC, completely with t-shirts and a catchphrase.

"It doesn't matter if D.T. don't like that. I like that and you like that."

“It doesn’t matter if D.T. don’t like that. I like that and you like that.”

The Saints really need a win after last week. I think they’ll get it.

SAINTS

BMK: Oh, who cares?

I mean, BESIDES this guy...

I mean, BESIDES this guy...

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at EAGLES

D.T.: Things were looking up for the ‘Fins after they fired Coach Philbin. They had some nice, soft wins over the Titans and Texans… but it all came crashing down after they were mercilessly pummeled by the Patriots in week eight, and I don’t think they’ve recovered. This week, I see them continuing on that downslope and losing to an Eagles team still working to widen the gap in their division, and find themselves an identity.

EAGLES

BMK: The Eagles are going to commit Battery on Dantellica’s Dolphins. The game will be so bade, that Nothing Else Matters except ending it. The Dolphins can ask St. Anger for help, but there is no St. Anger, so they’ll end up just being Frantic during the game.  Here’s hoping that the Eagles don’t Kill Em All.

And finally: Master of Puppets.

EAGLES

PS: If you don’t get what I’m doing up there, it’s simple. Miami Dolphins coach, Dan Campbell, only listens to Metallica. Which is, quite frankly, a baffling lifestyle choice. Anyway, those are Metallica song titles up there. Read the paragraph again with this new knowledge and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. And if not, you can send your complaints to DTCarel@Gmail.com

"Yeah-ah! We made it into 4th and Krol-ah!"

“Yeah-ah! We made it into 4th and Krol-ah!”

———-

BROWNS at STEELERS

D.T.: If ever the Browns had a chance at getting in some nice jabs at their dominating rival, this is it. Cheeseburger is out with yet another leg injury, and while Landry has proven himself a better QB2 than Vick, that offense is still not what it is without Ben and Le’Veon. The Browns will get in a few digs, but I expect the Steelers to figure out a way to win, as losing at home to the Browns is basically not an option  (sorry, Mangy).

STEELERS

BMK: If Cheeseburger plays, the Steelers are going to win. If Landry Jones plays, the Steelers are going to win. Hell, if I played the Steelers are going to win.

Actually, they probably won’t if I play, but you get the idea…

STEELERS

———-

JAGUARS at RAVENS

D.T.: Anticipation for this game is deader than the dude Ray Lewis definitely probably maybe didn’t have a hand in murdering.

"I have no idea what D.T. is referring to."

“I have no idea what D.T. is referring to.”

RAVENS

BMK: Speaking of Ray Lewis and things that are dead, word is that Ray Ray is dropping a hot track on the world next week. That should be wonderful.

Oh? So what’s dead? Simple: my interest in music.

RAVENS

———-

VIKINGS at RAIDERS

D.T.: With Teddy probably out (cold, hahahaha!) for week 10, this is the Raiders game to win or lose. They came really close to beating the Steelers next week, and keep solidifying themselves as a team on the rise. They’re gonna keep going with that, this week.

RAIDERS

BMK: Around the East Bay, anticipation is higher for this game than Donald Faison was at Zach Braff’s bar mitzvah.

"See? You're a man now, Zach."

“See? You’re a man now, Zach.”

Even though they burned me last week, I’m taking the Raiders. Especially since Bridgewater hasn’t cleared concussion protocols yet.  And by the way, the hit on Bridgewater was absolutely dirty.

RAIDERS

———-

PATRIOTS at GIANTS

D.T.: Has the guy in charge of NFL scheduling been checked for a signs of a stroke lately?

PATRIOTS

BMK: This game reminds me of that scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules is telling Ringo about his philosophy. See, I want to believe that the Giants will beat the Patriots, but that shit aint so. But I’m trying…I’m trying really hard.

Aaaaand it’s gone.

PATRIOTS

———-

CHIEFS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Denver’s match-up with Indy last week was 99% psychological, and there was no other way it could have been, despite the current status of both teams. Each time the Broncos have visited “The House That Manning Built”, the Colts have made it their mission to make a statement, and especially so after the firing of Pep Hamilton (you’re welcome for that, America). The game was close, and could have been a Denver win had Aqib Talib not unintentionally walked right over to Dwayne Allen, interrupted his conversation with Von Miller and placed his fingers through his facemask and into his right eye.

"Well, when you say it like THAT..."

“Well, when you say it like THAT…”

So, the Broncos are going to have to face their Kansas City rivals without the cornerback who’s been responsible for more wins this season than Peyton Manning. And with the track record of difficult and stressful games between Denver and KC, they’re going to feel his absence. Still, Denver has a commanding lead in the AFC West, so the pressure of winning this game isn’t as heavy as it could be. Their biggest obstacle on Sunday will be containing the Chiefs run game (which is still effective, without Jamaal Charles) and getting their own going (which is firmly in the toilet).

BRONCOS

BMK: DTs going to be at this game. So I’m going with the Chiefs. Because I’m an A-HOLE!

CHIEFS

———-

CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Bias aside, anyone who isn’t excited about this match-up and calling it their game of the week is either ignorant about the sport, or a Niners fan. Which, coincidentally, are synonymous.

"What? Nah, brah. I been a Raiders fan my whole life!"

“What? Nah, brah. I been a Raiders fan my whole life!”

The Seahawks are still at the top of the NFC West food chain, and until someone else knocks them off, they’ll stay that way in the eyes of everyone. To be the team that dethrones them, the Cardinals will have to accomplish two things: pressure Russell Wilson by destroying that ailing Seattle O-Line, and pressuring Seattle’s receivers even harder. Much of Seattle’s success this season has come from opposing defensive backs giving up on coverage, thinking Wilson will get sacked. That’s exactly what Seattle wants, and pressuring Wilson into throwing imperfect passes to well-covered Seattle receivers will win this game. It’s up to Arizona to decide if they want to be that team, or go into Seattle with the yips and let the ‘Hawks run their usual tricks.

CARDINALS

BMK: Can I be honest? (I don’t know…can you?) I don’t know if I’m even going to watch this game. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

But, with my serious football analyst hat on (shut up), I think I’m going with the Seahawks to win this game.  I think the Cardinals, on the whole, are a better team than the Seahawks, but this game is a prime time game and it’s against a team that’s eaten their lunch the last few years.  Not a good combination for this team.

DT spells out how AZ can beat them on the podcast, but it’s easier said than done. I’m not optimistic that they can. But then again, when am I optimistic about this team?  Answer: never.

SEAHAWKS

———-

TEXANS at BENGALS

D.T.: …and a not so great week ends with a whimper. The only advantage the Texans have this week is that they’re coming off a bye week. I’m sure JJ Watt would love to get some sacks on the Red Rifle, but any Texan victories this week will be individual marks.

BENGALS

BMK: Really?

There's more than one player on the Texans...oh wait, no there's not.

There’s more than one player on the Texans…oh wait, no there’s not.

BENGALS

———-

D.T.: And now I’m off to Denver, Colorado for a long weekend of breweries, women with really nice asses, and I also get to see Peyton Manning break the all-time record for passing yardage… from 30 rows off the field. Hopefully. He’s managed to survive this long into the season, and I hope to the Football Gods that he survives this game, too. And if the Broncos win, he’ll have secured the record for the most wins by a starting QB in league history, as well. I’m rooting for you, Peyton.

"Hey, you're alright, D.T. -- I'll buy you a beer and only piss in it a little bit."

“Hey, you’re alright, D.T. — I’ll buy you a beer and only piss in it a little bit.”

Thanks for reading folks, and have a good week!

Back on...um...even.

Back on…um…even.

 

BMK: On Friday, November 13, 2015, the column was running late. Believe it or not, we do have internal deadlines for this stuff, and DT always makes his.  I made a mental note to get to work at 3pm, after I took the dogs out and played some of the new Call of Duty game. When 3pm rolled around, I checked Facebook as one last time suck before I went to work on the column you’re reading now. That’s when I got word of what happened in Paris.

Living in this country, you become sort of sanguine about mass deaths and shootings in public places. But, for some reason, this hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m 40 now and I have an appreciation for life that younger men don’t have, or maybe it was the picture of Paris after 9/11, when they displayed an American Flag outside the Eiffel Tower in a show of solidarity. I honestly don’t know why this hit me harder than any similar events. But it did. Getting up off the couch to be a smartass about football and ogle Kat Dennings seemed like a hollow pursuit. Hell, I didn’t even feel like making fun of Jon Gruden, and to quote Robin Williams, there’s a guy that’s screaming out to be made fun of.

There’s no uplifting end here. I don’t want to bore anyone with some silly bullshit about the unifying and uplifting power of sports, since I don’t think it applies here. I will say that listening to Deadspin’s podcast Deadcast sort of brought me back.  Hearing Drew Magary and Tim Marchman get cheeky about Mizzou and Greg Hardy uplifted my spirits, as did a recording session with the new voice of the 4th and Krol Podcast, Alexandria Love. However, I’m not French and I’ve never been to Paris. Hell, I’m not even a fan of Eagles of Death Metal, the concert that was attack in Paris. So, of course I got over this quicker than some.

To call this a senseless act perpetrated by criminals would be an insulting understatement. Of course it is. All that’s left for us is to pick up and move on. To the 140 or so that aren’t with us anymore because some dipshit with a gun got a hardon, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I hope there’s justice for you and your family. Maybe there will be. But all the justice in the world won’t bring anyone back.

Anyway, I’ll stop here before this gets anymore Mcweeny-y and maudlin. I just wanted to get these things off my chest.

Vaya con dios, my friends.

2000px-Civil_and_Naval_Ensign_of_France.svg

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 14, 2015 at 7:19 pm

4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!

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Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…

Good day

And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!

BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in.  Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.

On to the picks!

———-

BROWNS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.

BENGALS

BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above.  But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.

"You're just mad cause I got Kat Dennings's phone number..."

“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”

BENGALS

———-

PACKERS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.

"About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry."

About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.

I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.

PACKERS

BMK: That Monday night game was interesting.  It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!

Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.

"Yeah? Least I got a job Krol...wait, hold on, Irsay's on the phone..."

“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”

Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.

PACKERS

———-

REDSKINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Spoilers.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.

You guys remember V?  That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it.  What if the Nazis were aliens.”

And on that day, V was born.

Oh, yeah. The pick…

PATRIOTS

———-

TITANS at SAINTS

D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.

SAINTS

BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt's aged pretty well. Mostly.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.

"Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night."

“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at BILLS

D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.

"Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it's only practice."

“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”

I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.

DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills.  Just to spite DT.

BILLS
———-

RAMS at VIKINGS

D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…

"Come on, man. Like you've never brutally beaten a child before."

“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”

…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.

RAMS

BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.

Anyway…

The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.

The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.

RAMS

———-

JAGUARS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.

JETS

BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.

Ed...take a break, broham.

Ed…take a break, broham.

JETS

———-

RAIDERS at STEELERS

D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.

"...yeah, probably."

“…yeah, probably.”

Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.

RAIDERS

BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game.  Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.

And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…

STEELERS

———-

GIANTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.

"Yeah, well, you're a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!"

“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”

The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.

BUCS

BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.

Isn't he dreamy?

Awww…

GIANTS

———-

FALCONS at NINERS

D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.

"Oh, hey... uh... sorry about that thing I said about your face."

“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”

FALCONS

BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.

I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.

FALCONS

———-

BRONCOS at COLTS

D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.

"Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning... hey, have you been working out?"

“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”

This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.

BRONCOS

BMK: Is Peyton Manning done?  Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.

Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve.  Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.

That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.

BRONCOS

———-

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.

EAGLES

BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.

It’ll be Niffleheim.

EAGLES

———-

BEARS at CHARGERS

D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).

"Well, D.T.'s definitely goin' somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks."

“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”

I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.

CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win?  Tune in and find out!

BEARS
———-

D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.

Ain't gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!

 

BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.

And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.

Thanks for reading and listening.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

 

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…

 

This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.

4th and Krol: Week Eight!

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Week Eight: It's not too late...unless you're the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay...

Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…

D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…

"D.T., it's Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in."

“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”

We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.

BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week.  But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I.  Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!

———-

DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:

"¡Yo soy orgía!"

“¡Yo soy orgía!”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.

PATRIOTS

———-

LIONS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.

CHIEFS

BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!

CHIEFS
———-

BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:

D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary.  There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on.  They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league.  Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

FALCONS

———-

CARDINALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.

ARIZONA

BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.

Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.

ARIZONA

———-

NINERS at RAMS

D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.

"Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good."

“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”

Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.

"I'll have those fingers, if he doesn't want 'em."

“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”

Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.

 

RAMS

BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.

Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.

Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.

RAMS
———-

GIANTS at SAINTS

D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…

…you have to go with Nawlins.

SAINTS

BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants.  PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!

"Yeah! You tell 'em Krol!"

“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”

GIANTS

———-

VIKINGS at BEARS

D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.

VIKINGS

BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.

"Stop. Just stop."

“Stop. Just stop.”

Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.

BEARS
———-

CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.

"Oh, really?"

“Oh, really?”

All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.

RAVENS

 

BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything.  Except moving to LA.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

RAVENS

———-

 

BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.

"Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!"

“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”

BENGALS

BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?

"Uh, what?"

“Uh, what?”

Yes.

BENGALS

———-

TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.

TITANS

BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.

Wait, no I’m not.

TITANS

———-

JETS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.

JETS

BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning  around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…

JETS

———-

SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.

Cheerleaders 2

 

Cheerleaders 1

SEAHAWKS

BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.

"No, you wouldn't."

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle.  Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.

"I sure did. And you didn't stop me."

“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”

SEAHAWKS

———-

PACKERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?

The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.

GREEN BAY

BMK: This is a fantastic game.  I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.

By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…

GREEN BAY

———-

COLTS at PANTHERS:

D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.

This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.

PANTHERS

BMK: This is an interesting game?  Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT.  There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…

"Whatever..."

“Whatever…”

I guess you’re right. This is it.

PANTHER
———-

D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!

 

BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes.  What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!

What? You expected something else?  Have you been paying attention?

Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…

"This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers."

“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”

This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.