Ruminations, etc..

Week Sixteen: this columns late! Where it been?
Okay YOU think of something better!

D.T.: Well folks, the time for sugary sprinklings over harsh realities has come and gone with the holiday. I won’t candy-coat it for you: we’ve got a LOT of games this week that simply don’t mean a thing.

“Football games are ‘sposta mean somethin’?”

It’s been a strange season, and if you weren’t a gambling man before, then becoming one halfway through the 2015 NFL season would not have been a bad place to start. We’ve had some wacky-ass games here and there, but the playoff picture has been pretty well solidified as far back as the human eye can see. We’ve got a lot of games between eliminated teams and playoff-berth teams resting starters against eliminated teams that should probably just play down for draft picks.

“So they can be used in trades for me…”

BMK: Strange indeed, DT. If by strange you mean oddly dull.

We’ll do a season wrap-up next week, but the 2015 NFL season has lacked a lot of normal drama. There is almost no middle-class in football this year, which renders a lot of the games meaningless. Or maybe I’m just getting older and it takes a lot more to excite me. Personally, I blame The Dark Knight Returns.

On to the picks!

“Don’t drag me into your bullshit, Krol…”

———-

CHARGERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: For a match-up between two teams who barely stood a chance at the beginning of the season, and faded out with little fanfare, this game turned out to be pretty wacky. The one guy I know who cares about Oakland was on the edge of his seat all night. I expected the Raiders to win, but I didn’t expect such an oddly entertaining game.

RAIDERS

BMK: Oakland is an up and coming team. They’re not ready to take the next step yet, and they may never actually take that step, but of the two teams here in the Bay Area, they’re clearly trending the right way. Now if they can send Mark Davis back to his home on the Island of Misfit toys the team can really go somewhere. Maybe Goddell can force a sale…since Mark is stinkin’ up the joint around here.

Seriously, who lets this man out of the house looking like that?

RAIDERS

———-

REDSKINS at EAGLES

D.T.: If Washington wins, they clinch the NFC East at 8-7, and the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs. The fact that either of these teams are still in the running makes as much sense as the symmetry of Bradley Cooper’s face.

“Who the fuck is this white guy with the asymmetrical face?”

The ‘Skins will win and evil will prevail in the form of their front office.

REDSKINS

BMK: Ugh. How did it come to this?  Why are the Redskins going to win this division?  Why couldn’t the Giants not suck?

I heard a statistic that blew my mind. If the games were 75 seconds shorter, the Giants would be 10-4.  That kind of thing makes me a sad panda.

REDSKINS

———-

NINERS at LIONS

D.T.: I won’t bore you. Both of these teams are eliminated, and the Niners desperately need draft picks.

LIONS

BMK: People up here are making bets on which team will have fewer losses, the 49ers or the Warriors. Smart money’s on the Warriors.

LIONS

———-

STEELERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done, and the Steelers are looking to catch up to a vulnerable Bengals squad. You see where I’m going with this.

“…can you explain it to me like I’m five? Better make it three.”

STEELERS

BMK: Is Joe Flacco elite? No. No he’s not. But he’s a damn sight better than McCarron.

STEELERS

PS: I realized that AJ McCarron isn’t the QB for the Ravens this week. I got the Ravens and the Bengals confused. Oh well.

I’m keeping that up there since it’s true.

“You tell Krol that I’ve never heard of him either…AND that I have a date with Kat Dennings.”

———-

COWBOYS at BILLS

D.T.: Even fans of both teams have stopped caring.

…BILLS, I guess.

BMK: Their fans may have stopped caring, but we NEVER WILL!

Who am I kidding…

BILLS

———-

BEARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: This week is like the green bean casserole you ate on Friday: it looks like it’s substantial with some sort of value and worth, but it’s really just hollow calories and it doesn’t even taste good.

BEARS

BMK: GBC is disgusting the and people that enjoy it molest collies.  It’s science.

Seriously? Look at this garbage. It looks like a bum semen in a dish covered with gonorrhea.

BEARS

———-

COLTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Colts are going to roll out Hasselbeck on a stretcher, and what’s left of their running backs are going to take turns propping him up to catch snaps. Dolphins, if you really want a late-season win for pride or morale or whatever, I guess this is your chance. I’d really take a look at that draft situation in April though… choose wisely.

“The ladies like to call the cops on me in Miami, but I look good in Teal… just saying.”

DOLPHINS

BMK: For me, the best part of watching the Dolphins season was seeing how completely ineffectual Suh was this year. This is why spending money on marquee free agents is almost never a good idea.

That said, they’ll still beat the Colts.

DOLPHINS

———-

PATRIOTS at JETS

D.T.: The Pats have already secured the division and a first round week off. Jets are a stepping stone towards securing the #1 seed in the AFC.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I’d like the Jets to win. Brandon Marshall seems like a good fellow and I’d like to see him get into the playoffs. But I just don’t seem them winning this week.

PATRIOTS

———-

TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: Good lord, the Texans haven’t been eliminated yet? Well, march on to that winning record, you pitied souls.

TEXANS

BMK: The Texans are the Toyota Tercels of the NFL. But the Titans are the Geo Metros.

Pictured: The Titans season.

TEXANS

———-

BROWNS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Looks like the Browns are going to finish the season with three wins, Mike Pettine is getting canned, and… yeah, two Browns players were arrested on Christmas fucking Morning. Someone move that accursed team to another city so they can win a Super Bowl in five years.

CHIEFS

BMK: Thank God they moved up to pick Manziel in the draft. His steady leadership at the QB position has turned the Browns around. Finally, a bright spot that Clevelanders can look to during their dark and miserable winter.

Ugh. The only people watching this game are degenerate gamblers and convicts seeking parole.

CHIEFS

———-

JAGUARS at SAINTS

D.T.: An awful twist of the knife at the end of an awful season would see a Jaguars victory over the Saints in the Superdome. With Brees possibly out due to a torn plantar fascia (is that going to become the new ACL?), it looks like that might be the case…

JAGUARS

BMK: Two titans of the south battling for dominance! No, I’m not talking about heart disease and diabetes! I’m talking about the Saints and Jaguars!

JAGUARS/DIABETES

———-

PACKERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals found themselves the NFC West Champions this year, after a staggering win against Philadelphia. However, in true Arizona fashion, they did so at the cost of a star defensive player. Tyrann Mathieu, in a garbage time play for an interception, tore his ACL again and will be out until next year. Whether or not his absence will be strongly felt against that on-again-off-again Packers offense remains to be seen. The Cardinals are a great home team this year though, and I expect them to keep the win streak alive on Sunday.

This beautiful motherfucker needs a nice new piece of jewelry, dammit.

CARDINALS

BMK: I’m still sick about losing the honey badger for the year. This game will be a major test for the AZ defense, as Rodgers is still a dangerous QB, and Eddie Lacey is a talented running back. I think the Cardinals take it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if GB pulls it out.

I’ll be honest, I’m putting this in here to troll my friend Dave Bushey.

CARDINALS

———-

RAMS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Rams are eliminated, and in unspectacular fashion. I still expect this game to be a grudge match though, as this division is fierce and these teams really don’t like each other. There’s nothing worse in this sport than seeing someone go down with injury (besides seeing the Steelers win a Super Bowl), but I fully expect the Rams to take at least one or two ‘Hawks down with them in a brutal loss.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: All I want for Christmas is the Rams to beat the Seahawks. But I’m not going to get that.

SEAHAWKS

———-

GIANTS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Odell Beckham, Jr.’s childish antics with Josh Norman last week see him likely sitting out this week with a one-game suspension. I can’t tell if those two hate each other, or secretly want to fuck.

OBJ tried this same move on prom night, and couldn’t understand why he was asked to leave the hotel room.

That leaves Eli with little in the way of clutch play-making, and that’s bad news for a team still clinging to hope. On the flip side, the Teddy Bridgewatwer played incredibly well against the Bears last week (and that Giants secondary is soft as hell), but the Vikings are complete shit in the pressure that prime-time games bring. This one will be close, I think, but I’ll give it to the Vikings, and a sad end to the Giants season.

VIKINGS

BMK: The Giants are done, like your Aunt Millie’s marriage. Get over it. She did.

VIKINGS

———-

BENGALS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Did you guys know that the last Alabama quarterback to win an NFL game before AJ McCarron was in 1987? Jesus Christ, why would anyone want to play football there?

Oh, right…

Okay, fair enough…

Alright, now that’s a bit of a stretch.

Still, the first Alabama quarterback to win a pro game in nearly 30 years is coming up against what is still the number one defense in the league. And he’s still really green, with too much riding on this game in the way of a first-round bye. I’m torn, here. I don’t want to see the Broncos take a loss, but I don’t want to see the Steelers close the gap on the Bengals. So, I’ll let the Bengals wait until next week to clinch their division, and give the win to Denver.

BRONCOS

BMK: Why would anyone want to live in Alabama, let alone play football there? At least Georgia has Atlanta, which is a fairly cosmopolitan city. What does Alabama have? Birmingham? Eh…hard pass.

BRONCOS

———-

D.T.: Next week is it, folks. Tune in for the exciting conclusion of 4th and Krol — same Krol time, same Krol channel!

BMK: Thanks for reading! We’ll do something special to mark the end of the season next week.  Or maybe we won’t! You just never know around here!

And now, your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

This post was written and compiled listening to the Dillinger Escape Plan and my brain screaming, “HEY IDIOT, THE GAMES ARE ON IN HALF AN HOUR!”

Week 14: You Know Who Likes Butter? Paula Deen!

D.T.: We’re down to the home stretch. The playoff situation is solidifying: the Panthers are the first to clinch their division and look to land a first round bye, while the Browns are the first team officially eliminated from the post-season. We’re still a ways off from Santa Clara though, and here’s where shit starts to get really interesting.
BMK: I’m writing this on Friday night from a hotel in AZ.  I grew up here, and when I lived here the Cardinals were never, ever considered a good team. They had one playoff victory and when I left for good in 2004. Despite having a very prolific draft in 2004 under Denny Green, the Cardinals were years away from being competitive.  Because of this, Phoenix was a basketball town and the Cardinals were an afterthought.

Well, it’s amazing what ten years will do. This town is football crazy. It’s approaching the wild fanaticism I saw when I lived in Pittsburgh. When the Steelers had a down year, that is. (Seriously, nothing can touch the Steelers fanbase.) I’ve seen more Cardinals hats and shirts in the last five hours than I ever did when I lived here. It’s gratifying. As a long term fan, I’m not used to seeing this. It’s sort of freaking me out.

Anyway, enough autobiographical horse puckey. On to the picks!
———-

VIKINGS at CARDINALS

D.T.: Yet another prime time game for Arizona, they play host to the Vikings, currently tied with Green Bay for 1st in the division. Arizona’s got some room for error, but they’re playing for the second seed in the NFC, while the Vikings are in do-or-die mode, looking to hold on to at least the 5th seed in the NFC North. After their embarrassment against Seattle last week, look to see Minnesota come out swinging — however, with Bridgewater struggling as much as he is, this game will be Cardinals Defense vs Adrian Peterson all night. And as great a season as AP is having, one man does not a team make.

CARDINALS

BMK: If you read the intro you, a) know that I’m writing this after this game was played, and b) you now know more about me than you ever wanted to. Rest assured, constant reader, that I picked the Cardinals to win this week and I told DT.  So there’s no chicanery here! No, sir!

Anyway, the Cardinals won, but there’s cause for concern going forward.  The Cardinals have lost leads in the last four games. Somehow they won them all, but still, Super Bowl contending teams don’t blow leads.

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at EAGLES

D.T.: Any given Sunday. That statement rings more true than ever after the Eagles tarnished the Patriots’ record yet again. It took injury to virtually all of New England’s receivers to do it, but Chip Kelly may live to coach another day in Philly. On the flip side, Buffalo’s offense looks pretty sharp, and their star receiver, Sammy Watkins, is poised to carve up that Eagles secondary. With Buffalo looking to climb above .500 and with a little more to fight for, I say they take it.

BILLS

BMK: Years ago, the “tough” kids at my school would wear No Fear T-shirts. Many of these shirts had little pithy sayings on them. My favorite was “Second Place is FIRST LOSER.” Why do I bring this up? Because the Eagles are in a three-way tie for first place in the NFC East, and in that division, first place is still the first loser. I mean, can you imagine any of those teams taking on the Seahawks and winning?  So yeah, congratulations, you could win the division, Eagles.  That don’t mean you’re going anywhere, pal.

What’s really funny is the Cowboys are only one game out of first, AND they have a better in-division record.  This is with a seven game losing streak.  If that division was a building, it woud’ve been condemned years ago.

EAGLES

———-

SEAHAWKS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done; a win against Seattle would be nothing more than a moral victory, but that shit just ain’t happening. Expect another Seattle blow out like last week against the Vikings.

RAVENS

BMK: What DT said. There’s no way Seattle loses this game. Especially if Jimmy Clausen is starting.

SEAHAWKS

———-

NINERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Another game that means next to nothing; the Browns are officially the first team eliminated from the post-season, and the Niners aren’t far behind. Johnny Manziel was let out of quarterback jail early out of sheer desperation (and possibly to get some more footage so they can trade him?), so it’s Johnny Fuckup against a Blaine Gabbert who showed some competency against the Bears last week. It’s safe enough to take the Niners here.

I had another joke in mind when I went Googling for Manizel photos. Then I found this. It’s like the Mt. Rushmore of fucking douchebag assholes in entertainment. Sweet FUCKING Christ.

NINERS

BMK: Good God, that picture is like a Murderer’s Row of Dipshits….

NINERS

———-

LIONS at RAMS

D.T.: The Lions very nearly beat the Packers last week, when an all-time highlight play was made by Aaron Rodgers to close the game in the final moments. The Lions have to be dejected after that loss, but they’ll be able to bounce back against the Rams this week. St. Louis found new levels of shame last week, as Jeff Fisher made concrete his removal after such staggeringly bad calls as faking a fake punt. That’s not a typo. The Rams are earning being called one of the worst offenses in league history. Enjoy your Sunday, Lions fans!

Dude, you got the Rams, Saints, Niners and Bears in the home stretch. Save that bullet for next year.

LIONS

BMK: A yes…the battle of the Fucked Up Franchises. The Lions can’t catch a break this year, despite having a very good QB, and the Rams can’t do anything right this year, because their QB situation is a Port-a-Potty fire.

In a battle like this, I usually go with the best QB.  Which is Stafford by a country mile.

By the by, Fisher is gone next year. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

LIONS
———-

TITANS at JETS

D.T.: The Jets sit currently at the number six seed for the post season while the Titans are already looking at having January off, with a record of 3-9. Mariota showed once again against the Jaguars last week that with a better team and a real, honest-to-goodness coach, he could be great. Then again, it was against the Jaguars’ defense. Jets take this one to the bank. That’s a saying, right?

JETS

BMK: Mariota has shown some flashes of being able to play at the professional level. Which is all you can really ask for when a team has a high enough draft pick to select a top-tier college prospect.  Hopefully the Titans can get their act together and surround this kid with some talent.  It’s a shame to waste a perfectly good QB.  Also, it’s shame to throw away a perfectly good white boy, too.

JETS

———-

STEELERS at BENGALS

D.T.: We come to the great AFC North battle of this season. With this win, the Bengals can clinch the division, and to do so against pretty much their only real divisional rival is a serious priority. They enjoyed a nice practice scrimmage against the Browns last week, while the Steelers had their way with a Colts squad entirely out of Luck.
 

“I don’t like to use swear words, but that was really fucking lame.”

Can the Bengals defense contain a nigh-unstoppable combination of Cheeseburger and Brown? That’ll be key for them on Sunday. Expect a high-stakes shootout, and a gritty fight between these two teams. As for the winner? I take the Bengals at home to clinch the division.

BENGALS

BMK: This is probably the best game of the week. There’s a lot going on here. The Steeler’s defense isn’t doing so hot, but Roethlisburger and Brown are one hell of a combo.

My head’s telling me to take the Bengals, but the Steelers have so much more to play for, and Andy Dalton is due for his late year slide.  So I’m taking the Steelers in the upset.

STEELERS

———-

COLTS at JAGUARS

D.T.: The downside to the excitement of the last few weeks of football is the fact that for every desperate, thrilling battle for a post season spot, we have a game that means jack fuckin’ shit. Yeah, the Colts are sitting on the 4th seed in the AFC playoff picture, but they’re out of steam, and will be little more than wild card round fodder — an easy stepping stone for another team to squeeze their way in. The Jaguars are also playing in this game. That’s about all I have to say about this one. Colts, I guess.

COLTS

BMK: Last week, I watched the Cardinals game in a nice little bar called Chaplin’s in Union City, CA. Behind me were two—TWO—Jaguars fans, each wearing a Bortles jersey. It was like seeing the Loch Ness Monster. Wearing a Blake Bortles jersey.

Anyway, there’s no way the Jaguars are going to win this game.

COLTS

———-

CHARGERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Last week, the Broncos beat the shit out of the Patriots, Brock Osweiler landed himself another win, and we got to see Rivers throw a fucking fit.

The most sourest grapes you ever saw.

It was a pretty good day for Broncos fans, and fans of high comedy everywhere. And San Diego will take another loss this week in their shameful farewell tour as their last season known as the San Diego Chargers. Perhaps the Los Angeles Chargers will fare better…

CHIEFS

BMK: The Los Angeles Chargers aint going to fare any better.  This team is now in rebuilding mode, and they’re done. Rivers will never win a championship. He’ll have to be content collecting high-five figure speaking fees and doing television appearances and analysis after his career ends.

———-

REDSKINS at BEARS

D.T.: I didn’t bother watching the Redskins/Cowboys game on Monday night. I considered it for a moment, and then went about living my life. I can imagine how it went: a few field goals, both teams making stupid plays, probably a few seconds of talk about RGIII, lots of talk about Romo’s collarbone, and suddenly the game was over before anyone was aware anything had happened. I nailed it, right?

Pictured: Two actual reactions to my spot-on estimation of last Monday’s game.

Expect this week to play out probably the same way, and the Redskins to take another boring, tired loss.

BEARS

BMK: I didn’t watch the game either, but Drew Magary (who’s my spirit animal) tweeted that the game was like watching a fish die. That’s the kind of simile I wish I had thought of.

Anyway…the game was awful, and now the NFC East has a logjam for first WHICH IS HILARIOUS.

I think I’m going to stay with DT’s prediction and go with the Bears.  Mostly because I can’t find a compelling reason not to. Cutler is a better QB than Cousins and the game is in Chicago.  So, yeah…why won’t the Bears win?  Beyond having an awful defense and no real offensive weapons…

BEARS

———-

FALCONS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers might take a loss before the post-season starts, but it sure as shit ain’t gonna be here. The Panthers are going to run roughshod all over their unfortunate divisional rivals.

I haven’t forgotten about you, K-Ben. I miss you, boo.

PANTHERS

BMK: I really hope the Panthers lose and soon. Cam Newton just irritates me. Anyway, like my colleague behind the Saguaro curtain says, there’s no way the Falcons are going to beat the Panthers. I mean, think about it. A falcon is just a large bird. There’s no way it can kill a panther. Even if that panther was a baby.

Yeah, I’m running out of things to say this week….so what?!?

PANTHERS

———-

SAINTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I’m sorry. I seriously could not care any less. It’s not because neither of these teams are any good, or that I wouldn’t like to see the Saints get one last divisional win after that grudge match of a loss against Carolina, but… this game doesn’t mean anything. It just doesn’t.

BUCCANEERS
BMK: You know what! This game means something to me.

Wait…no, it doesn’t.

SAINTS
———-

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sorry, Raiders fans. Your team is on the upswing, and things look to be getting better. A decent draft pick in 2016 will help, so take the hit and absorb it with pride. Osweiler leads the Broncos to a modest win in Denver this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: People in the Bay Area were in complete denial about the Raiders. Some were even talking playoffs. Good thing DT and I were immune to that kind of crazy talk!

Anyway, the Raiders are on the upswing. Carr has proven that he can play at the professional level, Amari Cooper could be a pretty good receiver, and hopefully Kahlil Mack will take the next step sometime in the next five years or so.  If they can do that and keep drafting well, the Los Angeles Raiders will be in serious contention for a Superbowl…

BRONCOS

———-

COWBOYS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Packers backslide has been intriguing and often bewildering, but nothing compared to how fucking bad the Cowboys are with Romo injured. Remember what I said before about one player not making a full team? It still rings true, but Dallas has lost all will to live with Romo inactive. They’re done for, and I honestly think what’s happened to that team this season in terms of morale will reverberate through the next couple of seasons to come.

PACKERS

BMK: It’s true, that one person does not a team make, but the QB is the most important part of the modern football team. (Insights like that are why 4^th and Krol are shooting to the TOP of the sporting journalism world.) The Cowboys without Romo is like a Ferrari with an El Camino engine.  If that Ferrari was owned by a weasel drunk with power and wealth.

PACKERS

———-

PATRIOTS at TEXANS

D.T.: It’s looking doubtful that Gronkowski will return this week against the Texans. That gives Houston some hope, after seeing what a defunct Philly team was able to accomplish when Brady is the only offensive name on the field. I’m making this my upset of the week, and saying that the Texans find a way to upset and land a win against a Patriots team both hurt by injuries and comfy enough in the standings to play a soft game.

“I’m gonna make him call me Gisele.”

TEXANS

BMK: Without Gronk this team is like Ferrari without any wheels.  Useless, but still a better car than your Hyundai.

TEXANS

———-

GIANTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Two teams with very little chance of making the post-season, dropped onto a nation of viewers who will watch for a quarter, then switch to whatever dumb sitcom or singing show is on at the same time. The Giants couldn’t secure a win against a Jets team with no cornerbacks, and it’s a toss-up this week, as well. Maybe NBC should just take one of the betterSunday games, and re-air it, instead. They’d probably get better ratings through the 4th quarter. Do I have to pick someone? Okay, fine. Giants, I guess.

“No Coughlin joke this week? This must be the disappointment my dad feels this season.”

“Eli… just shut up.”

GIANTS
BMK: This game is like a Ferrari that’s been blown up and buried under several tons of shit.

GIANTS
———-

D.T.: And there’s week 14 on paper, with no take-backs. The league desperately needs to reevaluate the way in which teams achieve the post-season. Teams with horrible records looking to actually contend and even host a fucking game in the playoffs is a terrible thing we’ve seen all too often. Maybe it’s time to do away with divisions and seed solely on conference. In another 10-15 years, football will be as overdue for change as baseball. And that’s sad and depressing because even with all the awful bullshit we fans have to deal with, it’s still the most exciting game on the planet. That said, I’m excited for the games we know will be great this week, and I look forward to enjoying them all in person over beers with Krol. Shit’s gonna get silly.

BMK: Thanks for reading folks! Like DT said, I’m in AZ this weekend and we plan on getting loaded and watching football. Maybe we’ll record the podcast in that state. Who knows!  Next week, we’ll be back and better than ever. Maybe I’ll even have a new metaphor.

No promises.

Week Thirteen: This is getting obscene.

Note: Yes, I know this very late. But it’s early for week 14.

No, YOU shut up!

D.T.: Lucky number 13! Or at least it already has been for the Packers. Yes, dear readers, I’ve been lazy this week, with hammering work deadlines and celebrating my 32nd birthday, and I’ve only begun writing my half of this week’s column on a Friday. I am ashamed, but not nearly as ashamed as Jeff Fisher, who looks to be leading the Rams to their fifth consecutive loss, the end of their time in St. Louis, and likely an end to his tenure as their coach. But I’m putting the cart ahead of the horse here. Let’s get it on!

BMK: Jeff Fisher ashamed? Pshaw. Jeff Fisher has no shame.  That guy’s the Donald Trump of football coaches, only Donald Trump might have a shot of winning the big game.

———-

PACKERS at LIONS

D.T.: I swear, I picked the Packers to win. Krol and I usually text each other our picks on a game if we haven’t yet gotten the column up before the week begins. I really wanted to change my pick to Detroit at halftime, but my counterpart picked the Packers as well, and insisted we ride the sinking ship together.

Then this happened.

Thank fuck they weren’t playing in Seattle, right?

PACKERS

BMK: Yeah, I left at halftime to go drink beers with English folk dancers at a bar in Emeryville, CA, not too far from the Pixar campus. When I got home, I watched the highlights, confident  that my decision was the right one.

And what do you know?  After an amazing sequence, the Packers pulled it off.

Aaron Rodgers has gotten a lot of grief lately (including some from yours truly), and a lot of it is well deserved.  But last night he showed us why he’s considered one of the best QB’s to ever play the game. Truly an amazing sequence.

Even if that was a blown face mask call.

PACKERS

———-

JETS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants had a real opportunity to put some ground between them and the Redskins for the lead in the NFC East, but utterly shit the bed. This is another big opportunity for them to fuck up, as they take on the Jets and the Redskins are poised to take another divisional win against the Cowboys. Odell Beckham, Jr. continues to be a human highlight reel, though, and with Revis Island out of the picture and Antonio Cromartie having a shit year, he might be all the Giants need to secure a win this week. It’s 50/50, but I give it to the Giants over their New York roommates.

“Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!”

BMK: The NFC East, for my money, is the last interesting divisional race. I want to see how bad it’ll get before someone is awarded a home playoff game. Mostly because having the Redskins win the division and host a playoff game will amuse me to no end. In a real, “some men just want to watch the world burn” sort of way.

“DT’s getting a yellow card for a basic, ‘Tom Coughlin is old’ joke.”

Anyway, I guess I have to pick this game. I liked the Jets early on, but now they’re falling to pieces. Just like my hopes and dreams.

GIANTS

———-

CARDINALS at RAMS

D.T.: The Cardinals are going to win this one, but the question is at what cost? Their running game is stripped of both Chris Johnson and Andre Ellington, and it’s up to star rookie David Johnson to step up. This is scary, two-fold: Johnson has shown great promise and skill already in his career, but he’s prone to fumbles and he lacks the finesse that comes with experience. What’s more is that it leaves more of the burden on Carson Palmer to move the chains, and St. Louis will be gunning for him. HARD.

“You wouldn’t take a guy’s knees THREE times, right?”

If the Cardinals defense shows up and contains what’s being called one of the worst offenses in the history of the league, and if the Arizona offensive line can keep Palmer safe, we’ll probably see a rough and tumble, too-narrow-for-comfort Arizona victory.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous, as a Cardinals fan. For all the reasons my partner outlined above.

I really have nothing to add…except my usual dose of skepticism.

RAMS

———-

FALCONS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Does it really matter? I mean, really? The Panthers have this shit locked down, and no one else in that division is even playing for pride anymore. The Falcons lost to the Vikings last week, and the Bucs to an ailing Indy squad with Hasselbeck under center. That’s not a slight against Hasselbeck, but come on. Fuck it, I’m going all out and calling this game a TIE

BOTH TEAMS LOSE

BMK: The NFC South finally broke DT.  But he’s right on the analysis. Does anyone need to see this contest? I mean, win or lose, if you’re a fan of either of these teams you either live in Florida or Georgia; you’re sort of fucked from the word go.  To be fair, despite past their prime webmasters living there, Atlanta is nicer than Florida. Marginally, anyway.

Hell, I’m going with the Buccaneers, cause I believer in Jameis Winston, the way I believed in Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

BUCCANEERS

———-

Seahawks at Vikings

D.T.: The one damned time I root for the Steelers to win at anything, and they let me down. Now Seattle has momentum from beating a team they likely shouldn’t have, and they’re going up against another team they’ve got a fair enough shot at beating. Adrian Peterson is back at the top of his game though, and just might march through that struggling Seattle defense. The Legion of Boom might become the Legion of Whom? at the end of this season, and as much as I don’t care for Peterson, I wouldn’t mind seeing Minnesota contribute to that.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m taking the Vikings. Mostly for emotional reasons. I want them to beat the Seahawks. Hell, I need them to beat the Seahawks. To paraphrase Steve Martin in LA Story, “Picking the Vikings to beat the Seahawks may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at BEARS

D.T.: Anyone who watched the Niners/Cardinals game last weekend deserves an apology from the NFL, and reimbursement for any money spent attempting to enjoy that travesty of football. Something seriously needs to be done about the state of this sport’s quality, and quickly. The sport is too popular and too profitable to allow it to fall into the same level of mismanagement and internal decay as the Niners organization themselves.

“I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.’s comment, but… nah, I can’t give a fuck.”

This game should be a black hole for highlights, and I think Chicago will take an unconvincing win.

BEARS

BMK: Yeah, that Cardinals/49ers game was brutal. I’ll even say it: the Cardinals were outplayed by the 49ers.  But like all good teams, the Cardinals found a way to win, and the 49ers were thrown even further into despair. These guys even fired their team President. Sorry—they mutually agreed to part ways.

That euphemism needs to be retired. Retired like how Harrison Ford retired Joanna Cassidy in Blade Runner.

Anyway, the Bears are playing better, the “enigmatic”  Jay Cutler is being a decent QB, and plus the 49ers just stink.  That all adds up to a victory by the…

BEARS

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

———-

JAGUARS at TITANS

D.T.: Didn’t these assholes just play each other? I’m just glad they’re not wearing those fucking Color Rush uniforms again. Jaguars will take another win.

JAGUARS

BMK: The AFC South race to the bottom used to interest me. Now I’m enamored with the NFC East. As such, I can’t be bother to talk about this awful match up.

JAGUARS

———-

TEXANS at BILLS

D.T.: It’s really weird that it’s taken the Texans this long into the season to start building some momentum. But, I guess when you’re in a division with the Titans and Jaguars, it’s literally never too late to make a play for the post-season. The Bills are in a bit of a freefall, and with the way Houston has been playing on both sides of the ball in the last couple of weeks, I think they’re set for a win in Buffalo. But does anyone really win anything when they’re in Buffalo, New York?

Nope.

TEXANS

BMK: I once went to a wedding in Buffalo, New York. In December. It sort of sucked and so did the chicken wings from the place that invented them. That said, a colleague of mine from law school lives there. We were out drinking and eating at a quaint French joint in Palo Alto and he told me that you can buy a “palace” there for not a lot of money.

“Yeah,” I said, “but then you’re still in fucking Buffalo.”

I felt very clever and smug till I drove back home to my shack in Hayward that I paid way too much money for.

TEXANS

———-

RAVENS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Last week, the Ravens destroyed what little hope and happiness Browns fans still possessed. That broken Baltimore team marched into Cleveland looking like the Browns might secure a convincing divisional win against their most hated rivals. Instead, they snatched a narrow loss away, leaving already dejected and suicidal Browns fans even more depressed and miserable.

And this jersey cost two months’ average salary in Northern Ohio…

Now they’re going to embarrass the Miami Dolphins, who have run out of people to fire.

RAVENS

BMK: Not so fast DT. The Dolphins just fired me. L

RAVENS

———-

BENGALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Good fucking god, have pity on Cleveland.

BENGALS

BMK: Here’s a little more inside baseball for the 4^th and Krol reader out there. When DT turns his half of the column in, I try to write less where he’s written more and vice versa. However, what the hell do I say about this game? The Bengals are going to win, the outcome will never be in doubt, and Cleveland residents will still exist in some permanent ghost state of despair. The world will march past them, and they’ll have to watch us all progress in our lives, like a hungry man looking through a window at a nice restaurant.  Their souls will never know peace; never know satisfaction; never know hope, until the grey raincloud of this world recedes and their souls go off to a far green country.

Then they’ll find out they’re in Kentucky and everything still sucks.

BENGALS

———-

CHIEFS at RAIDERS

D.T.: I thought the Chiefs might have been looking at a chance at the AFC West, but that was before the Brockpocalypse started, and Osweiler showed us that spending your career watching Peyton Manning from the sidelines actually makes you a pretty okay professional quarterback. So now the Chiefs and Raiders duke it out for the number two spot, and maybe I’m crazy, but I think the Raiders might take this one. They’ve earned a lot of good will this year, and a divisional win at home would be a delight for a fanbase that’s probably going to lose their team at the end of this season.

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are such an “enigmatic” franchise this year. Sometimes they look good, sometimes they look bad. It’s almost as if they’re a mediocre team. Who knew?

CHIEFS

———-

BRONCOS at CHARGERS

D.T.: So Brock Lobster toppled the previously undefeated Patriots, injured Gronkowski and made Belichick show emotion. That’s pretty fucking impressive, Denver. For a team that most people were on the verge of writing off, they’ve come back in a big way and they’re going to kick the shit out of poor Rivers and whoever else they’ve got walking out of the tunnel at Qualcomm Stadium. Then again, if they somehow lose to the Chargers, the entire sports media will be right back to saying they’re done. C’est la vie.

BRONCOS

BMK: Right now my brain is telling me to take the Broncos.  The Chargers are not going anywhere and Brock Osweiler has more to play for this week than Philip Rivers. Of course, trying as I am to be the Statler and Waldorf of football, if the Chargers beat the Broncos, there’ll be more chaos in Denver and thus, more for me and DT to talk about on the podcast. So I’m going with my heart again.

CHARGERS

———-

EAGLES at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Enjoy your rebound from last week’s lost, Patriots fans. And enjoy unemployment, Chip.

“Chip Kelly knows you’re joking because Chip Kelly hasn’t lost any games and wouldn’t get fired. Now if you’ll excuse Chip Kelly, Chip Kelly needs to go suck Chip Kelly’s dick.”

PATRIOTS

BMK: That joke was beyond the boundary of good taste, DT.

PATRIOTS

———-

PANTHERS at SAINTS

D.T.: I’m already thinking of ways to console my friend in New Orleans. Fuck me, this is gonna be ugly for the Who Dats.

PANTHERS
BMK: We’ll see. I want the Panthers to lose. So I’m taking the Saints.

I’m going crazy this week I think.
———-

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: As heartwarming as it would be to see Hasselbeck lead the Colts to victory against the evil that is Pittsburgh…

I mean, come on. You’ve got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it’s Pro Bowl team sorted out.

…that shit sadly isn’t going to happen. Especially at Heinz Field.

STEELERS

BMK: Pittsburgh’s not evil. At least the town isn’t. Sure, it’s sort of ugly, and the natives have baffling accents, but there’s some great Italian food there, and you can find awesome French fries at the Big O in Oakland.

And…uh…hmmm…

Yeah, the Colts are going to lose.

STEELERS

———-

COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Another utterly lackluster Monday Night game, leaving us all a little hollow and unfulfilled the following Tuesday morning. Romo made a brief reappearance and won a game, then promptly left again for the season. The QB situation in his absence has been so bad that even Jerrah Jones, who – in a combination of senility and hubris – prides himself on being a fine NFL owner and GM, has given himself an “F” rating for his handling of things. The Redskins are going to take a divisional win, and a lead in the division. We’re going to keep hearing that “You like that?!” shit for another week, and… fuck me, we’re probably going to see the Redskins in the postseason. They’ll get fucking slaughtered in the first round, but assholes like Dan Snyder and Jay Gruden will feel an itch of justification and validation, and we’ll continue to see the Redskins flounder in their current situation for seasons to come.

REDSKINS

BMK: At this point, Tony Romo is like the special guest star on the Cowboys. He shows up, some good things happens, then he’s done for the year. Sort of like when Colonel Flagg shows up on MASH.

Anyway, the Redskins march to the playoffs continues unabated this week.

REDSKINS

———-

DT: And on that happy note, we’re done! Next week should be interesting: I’ve been informed that B. Michael Krol will be once again gracing the Valley of the Sun (that’s in Arizona, folks) with his presence. There’s plans in the works for the two of us to spend all of next Sunday drowning in football (and no doubt female fans of 4th and Krol throwing themselves at us). We might have to do something special to commemorate the event. Anyway, looking forward to next week! Thanks for reading, as always!

BMK: Yep. Another week in the books. DT’s right, I will be in AZ next week so maybe we’ll record our podcast on Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

This post was written to another techno playlist and the sounds of pugs fighting.

Week Eleven: This Aint Exactly Heaven

D.T.: Well, folks, I think we’re gonna blow through this real quick and then go drinking.

Which is exactly what these four fuckers, responsible for the NFL schedule, said in April.

It’s easily the worst week of the season, so far. There’s literally only one five-star game, and the rest are either terrible mismatches, or just plain dull. Here we go!
BMK: Again with a slate of crappy games. Really, this year has been devoid of positive drama. Certain teams pulled ahead and stayed that way. The only real drama in the division race is in the AFC South, and that’s only to see how shitty those teams can be and still win a division. Not exactly compelling sports entertainment.
The NFC North race could be interesting, but with Rodgers injured it seems fait accompli that the Vikings will overtake them. The Packers will be in the playoff mix but also seem fated for an early exit (see also Broncos, Denver).
Other than those two situations, it’s been pretty dull this year. At least compared to other years.
Who would’ve thought once they got Brady to stop deflating footballs things would get so damned dull?
Oh well—still better than baseball.
On to the picks!

———-

TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: How is this game not played in London? Aside from the fact that it’s the Titans and Jaguars, which is reason enough to find something else to do, they’re wearing truly terrible “Color Rush” uniforms. Remember the awful Jets and Bills Color Rush uniforms last week that made the game nearly impossible to look directly at? The Jaguars’ uniforms make those look like Jennifer Lawrence wearing nothing but a smile.

Brought to you by Heinz Mustard.

The only people who should be watching this game are blind, deaf and have no idea the TV is on. Even then, they’ll probably sense something terrible is happening.

Fucking JAGUARS, I guess.

BMK: Watching this game will be like being in a machine that kicks you in the nuts repeatedly.

Wasn’t that a Franz Kafka novel?

JAGUARS

———-

RAIDERS at LIONS

D.T.: Something’s wrong with the Packers that enabled Detroit to beat them, and I think I know what it is:

“Green Bay has lost every game since this commercial first aired.”

I don’t even know what kind of unspeakable evil pact has been made in an attempt to win again this week against Oakland. How do you persuade Satan himself to forsake his favorite team?

“But I thought WE were Lucifer’s favorite…”

The Lions had that one game this season that convinced their fanbase not to kill themselves. I hope they enjoyed it because the Raiders are going to beat them and make them feel even worse than before.

RAIDERS

BMK: Last week I got snakebit by hometown team. NEVER AGAIN! So I’m not picking them this week out of dirty, dirty, spite.

But, if you want an intellectual point to hang your hat on, here’s one: the Raiders rank second to last in pass defense and the Lions rank 8^th in pass offense.  Plus, Aldon Smith is gone, and Kahlil Mack hasn’t done squat this season. So yeah, Stafford and the boys will pull this one out.

“Krol said what? Goddamn it, I’m gonna get him! Right after this tasty cocktail…”

LIONS

———-

COLTS at FALCONS

D.T.: Before they’re Bye last week, the Falcons managed to lose to a terrible team with a fucking terrible back-up quarterback.

Which bumped this image to only the second most embarrassing thing Matt Ryan can never get off the internet.

This week they face off against a terrible team with a QB that’s no longer chained to a fucking moron of a coordinator, and one of two guys who played through Denver’s defense successfully. Goodnight, Matty Ice.

COLTS

BMK: I ruined DT’s vacation last week, so now he ruins my libido with that Matt Ryan picture this week. Thanks DT.

FALCONS
———-

RAMS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Rams have benched Nick Foles, saying he just needs a “break”. That’s sweet talk for “You’re fucking fired, kid. We’d rather put Case Keenum in against that struggling Baltimore defense than you.” And after losing to the Bears 37-13 last week, I can’t even blame them. The Ravens are poised for a possible comeback after being embarrassed by Jacksonville last week.

RAVENS

BMK: This is a more interesting matchup than it first appears.  The Ravens aren’t necessarily a bad team. Yes, yes, I know that hoary cliché about being what your record is, and I agree with that. Mostly.

“You’re mostly what your record says you are. Mostly.”

However, the Ravens have a top-10 rushing defense, and a QB that’s very good, which should be enough to slow down the Rams, who are in the midst of their annual fade. Plus they’re at home. That should be enough to win.

But if there’s one thing this column has demonstrated over the past two years is that I don’t know shit about football.

RAVENS

———-

BUCCANEERS at EAGLES

D.T.: Well, Sam Bradford got hurt, so some things remain predictable in the NFL. It’s the Return of Sanchize, and I’m sure Eagles fans are dreading it, while Buccaneers fans are licking their chops.

“Gonna steal this game like it was crab legs.“

BUCS

BMK: Winston vs. the Sanchize?  Now that’s a recipe for compelling TV!

BUCS

———-

BRONCOS at BEARS

D.T.: Well… fuck. Peyton Manning tore his plantar fascia, which is otherwise known as that long, hard ligament in your foot that connects your heel to your toe. For those that don’t get the kind of medical care that pro athletes receive (outside of head injuries), the recovery time is anywhere from 8-12 weeks. That means Brock “Lobster” Owseiler gets his first ever NFL start after spending his career behind Manning, and may very well finish out the season under center. Sunday’s depressing loss against the Chiefs could be the last game Peyton Manning ever plays. Aqib Talib is back after his suspension, so expect Denver’s defense to contain Cutler, and allow Brock time to get acclimated on the field and show signs of competence.

BRONCOS

BMK:  I’m with DT on this one.  The Denver defense is very good and shouldn’t have any problem with Cutler.  That should give Owseiler a good chance to win the game.
BRONCOS
———-

JETS at TEXANS

D.T.: The Texans knocked the Bengals off, and ruined their perfect season, and Brian Hoyer can’t even remember it because he suffered a concussion. Must be a complete bummer for your team to do the most noteworthy thing it’ll probably do all year, and not be able to recall it. Unless you’re Tom Coughlin, in which case you barely remember which fucking team you’re coaching on any given day.

The proud coach of Syracuse University, since 1969.

So, the Texans are rolling out with… wait, who’s their backup? Who cares – that Jets defense is feasting a week before Thanksgiving.

JETS

BMK: I have literally been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with something to write about this game.  Is anyone outside of New York interested in this? If so, why?

The Jets are going to win. The Texans are a complete disappointment. Both on a football level and a moral one.

“What do you mean disappointing morally? This cow was humanely raised…until I ripped its throat out with my teeth. But before I did that, I made it watch me kill its parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne style. Oh…maybe you have a point.”

JETS

———-

REDSKINS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The most head-scratching event in a true head-scratcher of a week was the Redskins kicking the utter shit out of the Saints (47-14). The result was the dismissal of Saints coordinator Rob Ryan, unattractive daughter of football villain Buddy Ryan, and sister of current Buffalo coach, Rex Ryan. New Orleans’ defense put on a horrifying display, allowing Kirk Cousins 4 touchtowns and zero interceptions. A perfect quarterback performance and rating of 158.3. Will that same type of performance roll into Carolina this week? Probably not.

PANTHERS

BMK: Raise your hand if you thought the Panthers were going to be undefeated. Yeah, put your hand down. You didn’t.  No one saw this coming.  I think they’ll stay that way after Sunday.  I just don’t see the Redskins having enough firepower to slow them down.  That said, I don’t completely buy into the Panthers. We’ll see come playoff time.

PANTHERS

———-

COWBOYS at DOLPHINS:

D.T.: Romo is back, and looking for satisfaction. He’s gonna find it against a Dolphins squad that barely squeezed out a win against Philly last week.

COWBOYS

BMK: Romo was officially activated on Saturday. I know what that means, but it sounds so…robotic?  Like Jerry Jones has all these Romo clones in his house, a la Sam Rockwell in Moon, and just sends them out to play football the loot the surrounding towns after nightfall.

Lobot rules.

———-

CHIEFS at CHARGERS

D.T.: Kansas City had their way with the ailed Broncos squad last week, like Prince backstage with groupies of probably both genders. They’ve made a habit this season of marching through vulnerable teams, and with San Diego in their current state – literally only one, arguably two consistently great players on that squad, and knowing full well that they’re moving to LA – I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Chiefs chalk up another divisional win in their quest to achieve second place in the AFC West.

“How can us win football if only one person on team?”

It’s a bad year for Chargers fans. Not only are they losing their team, but those who would continue to follow them after the move will likely lose their team’s saving grace in Rivers. Anyway, the Chiefs will win. Also, everything on the Chargers’ jerseys looks like lazily-cut-out iron ons.

CHIEFS

BMK: Oh boo-hoo. Poor Chargers fans. They live in a decent city that was heavily featured in both Anchorman and Simon & Simon, and…uh…um…

Yeah, things sort of suck for Chargers fans.

CHIEFS

———-

PACKERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: I’ve said before that there’s something really wrong in Green Bay, but I can’t piece together what it might be. Losing to the Lions – even if divisional games are traditionally clusterfucks – is confounding. At this rate, I’m comfortable giving the Vikings a win that warms their fans’ hearts. Especially the way Adrian Peterson has been running, so far; that Green Bay defense is toast.

VIKINGS

BMK:  What’s wrong in Green Bay? I tell you what’s wrong in Green Bay. First of all, it’s in Wisconsin. So people eat entirely too much goddamn cheese. Second of all, it’s represented by Reid Ribble, who is a complete tool.  Seriously, this dude was in the House Freedom Caucus. There are the brainiacs that want the US to default, sending the world into economic chaos because freedom.  Third, Aaron Rodgers is injured, so he’s playing crappy.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: As a Cardinals fan, whoever wins… I win! HAH! But really, this is gonna be ugly and Seattle will win by a reasonable margin.

SEATTLE

BMK: Oh my god…I sort of feel for Blaine Gabbart. This is going to be the worst slaughter since Gigli was released.

This movie is worse than a 1000 Hitlers.

SEATTLE

———

BENGALS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The only reason to watch football this Sunday, unless you’re out of market, in which case you need to get to a sports bar and watch it anyway. It’s seriously the only remotely decent game this weekend, and with good cause. The Bengals are looking to bounce back after a really off day against Houston, and the Cardinals are looking to keep the fire burning after a thrilling win in Seattle last week. That win was the first step in solidifying their legitimacy as contenders this season, and a win against the visiting Cincy squad this Sunday will cement it. This game is going to be Patrick Peterson vs AJ Green, super hardcore to the max. Arizona’s offense has the confidence and weapons to beat that Bengals secondary, but Dalton and AJ Green – looking for redemption – are deadly as fuck, and Arizona’s defense will have to play hard and fast to contain. I say they do it. Still, I worry that Carson Palmer will get the yips against his former team, like he did with the Raiders earlier this season…

CARDINALS

BMK: Second time in as many weeks for Arizona to be on the Prime Time stage. What will happen? I’m thinking AJ Green will explode on the field. Like literally explode. It’ll be really messy but since the Cardinals wear red uniforms, no one will know. And then when he’s just lying there and everyone on the Bengals sideline are looking around saying, “Hey, where’s AJ” and then someone, probably Darryl Washington, since he’s got nothing else to do, will say, “Hey man, AJ just exploded. That’s his spleen on Drew Butler’s pants,” then everyone will feel bad but Palmer will still throw for 300 yards. Or something.

I’m going to myself a favor and not read that paragraph back. I think it’s better just to let it be.

“I think Krol’ss finally gone off the deep end.”

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fucking hell… NFL, how are you going to end a week like this with a game like this? And why do you give the Patriots such a soft fucking schedule from beginning to end so that we’re all forced to watch them go undefeated and hear their fans herald Brady as the second coming? Fuck off, football schedule guys, and fuck off Patriots for getting yet another predictable win to round off a crappy week of football.

PATRIOTS

BMK:  Did you guys know that there are videos on the internet of people bathing baby sloths?  Fuck this noise, I’m watching those.

PATRIOTS

———-

D.T.: Well, there it is. We got through it, Krol – through sheer will alone. At least in week 12, we have Thanksgiving football to look forward to. Dallas/Carolina should be entertaining, and the copious amount of left over turkey and stuffing will make the rest of the football weekend tolerable. Thanks for reading, folks!

BMK: Good god, that was painful.  I’m thinking we need to develop a 4^th and Krol drinking game. Suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for reading! And listening! Next week on the podcast, DT and I will discuss whether the NFL is too big. And probably digress into Venezuelan politics. Probably.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Even she can’t save this column from itself.

This column was written and compiled while listening to Ryan Adams 1989 and the nagging voice in my head that I really should do these columns before Saturday night.

Week Ten: Bigger than Big Ben!

D.T.: So, Krol, what deal did you make with the devil to boost your picks from week nine? We’re tied up now, and I can’t think of an earthly reason why. I kid, of course, but there were some fucking wacky games this week, and out of 13 match-ups, I picked an astounding four of them correctly. This season has been fucked up, and it’s only getting more fucked up.

BMK: I’m with you, DT. This season has been fucked up. But the important part is that I’m neck and neck with you, Mr. I Actually Know Things about Football. So ha!

On to the picks!

———-

BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get this division. The only thing that ever makes any sense is the Patriots, and that’s depressing.

“I find it incredibly exhilarating. Can you tell?”

Last week, both Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins returned to the field, and mopped the floor with the Dolphins. This week they go against another divisional rival, and try to do the same to Rex Ryan’s old team. Which team will Rex be coaching when he takes on the Bills next season? I’m at a loss trying to make heads or tails of the Dolphins, Bills and Jets. If I was a serious fan of these teams, I’d be exhausted by now. My pick?

JETS
BMK: I’m going with the Jets also. Mostly because Sexy Rexy irritates me and I think Ryan Fitzpatrick has the most epic beard in the NFL right now. So there’s no way they can lose. NONE!

JETS
———-

LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Now here’s a division that makes sense. The Packers are great and always will be. The Vikings will always sneak up and try to upset. The Bears and Lions are destined to be terrible for a while yet, regardless of who Detroit fires in their rage-quit.

PACKERS

BMK: When I think of the Lions, I picture a diminutive Martha Ford walking through the offices like the Angel of Death of the old testament, firing people willy-nilly, while Jim Caldwell cowers in his office, like Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. If I’m feeling especially perverse, I picture Ford walking up to Caldwell and laying a “I pardon you,” on him like Ralph Fiennes did in Schindler’s List, and then just walking away.

Yeah, this football column made a Schindler’s List and Terminator reference.

Yeah, this guy just SCREAMS master race, doesn’t he?

———-

COWBOYS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I may have lost my ability to see who will win, but I’ve been right on the money about which games will be spectacles, for good or bad. The Cowboys/Eagles game ended up being an shootout that went into overtime, with both QBs firing off passes for nearly 300 yards a piece. More on that later. For now, expect this game to be another weird one, because neither of these teams are predictable. Both boast QBs who are more than solid on a good day, terrible the next, and runners who can be absolutely explosive if they can break loose. I’m gonna go with the Cowboys, just because Matt Cassel shocked the shit out of me last week.

I mean, the dude can’t even aim straight when he’s kissing his wife.

COWBOYS

BMK: Good God, this game is a dilemma. I’ve been burned taking both of these teams.  DT lays the case against both pretty well up there. Me?  I’m pretty anti Cowboys right now, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick Tampa Bay.

Incidentally, I originally called this game a Hobbesian choice. HOWEVER, research showed me that having to make a choice between two shitty football teams is not a Hobbesian choice. A Hobbesian choice is a choice between something and nothing. So, for example, a Hobbesian choice would be me choosing to not date anyone else besides Kat Dennings.

“This is my ‘He has no chance’ dance.”

BUCCANEERS

———-

PANTHERS at TITANS

D.T.: I mean, seriously. The Titans knocked off the fuckin’ Saints, and Mariota out-threw Drew Brees?! Fuck you, Ken Whisenhunt. The Titans were out to make a statement last week, and they made it: you won’t be the head coach of another NFL team for a long time. However, that statement may be cut short when they come up against the Panthers this week – the team who took down the Packers and held on to an 8-0 record. The Titans will fight hard, but they’re outmatched this week.

PANTHERS

BMK: Cam Newton is a sociopath, but he should be able to beat the Titans. Remember the Titans?

No, not you a-holes.

PANTHERS

———-

BEARS at RAMS

D.T.: The Rams found themselves in a nail-biter of a dirty match against the Vikings last week. In their quest to destroy every Quarterback they cross, they managed to knock Teddy Bridgewater out cold, leaving everyone watching stunned and concerned for that little guy’s safety. Minnesota would come back to secure a narrow win after giving the Rams the kick-off in overtime. I don’t know which hurt more: Teddy’s severe concussion, or Foles knowing that team did not fear him at all.

“Uh…the severe concussion.”

This week, the Rams and Bears square off, and Jay Cutler might actually be murdered on the field.

RAMS

BMK: I hate picking teams that I despise, and I despise the Rams.  Yet, I can’t take the Bears. The Monsters of the Midway suck this year, and will for the foreseeable future. The Rams are on the upswing, which means that scumbag Greg Williams is still employed.

RAMS

———-

SAINTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The educated guess on this one goes to the Saints, but could either of these two teams be any more difficult to read? Their fans have had a tough time of it, too. The Who Dats prematurely accept defeat every week, while the Redskins were so amped over a one point win in week 7 that a small culture phenomenon sprouted in DC, completely with t-shirts and a catchphrase.

“It doesn’t matter if D.T. don’t like that. I like that and you like that.”

The Saints really need a win after last week. I think they’ll get it.

SAINTS

BMK: Oh, who cares?

I mean, BESIDES this guy...

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at EAGLES

D.T.: Things were looking up for the ‘Fins after they fired Coach Philbin. They had some nice, soft wins over the Titans and Texans… but it all came crashing down after they were mercilessly pummeled by the Patriots in week eight, and I don’t think they’ve recovered. This week, I see them continuing on that downslope and losing to an Eagles team still working to widen the gap in their division, and find themselves an identity.

EAGLES

BMK: The Eagles are going to commit Battery on Dantellica’s Dolphins. The game will be so bade, that Nothing Else Matters except ending it. The Dolphins can ask St. Anger for help, but there is no St. Anger, so they’ll end up just being Frantic during the game.  Here’s hoping that the Eagles don’t Kill Em All.

And finally: Master of Puppets.

EAGLES

PS: If you don’t get what I’m doing up there, it’s simple. Miami Dolphins coach, Dan Campbell, only listens to Metallica. Which is, quite frankly, a baffling lifestyle choice. Anyway, those are Metallica song titles up there. Read the paragraph again with this new knowledge and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. And if not, you can send your complaints to DTCarel@Gmail.com

“Yeah-ah! We made it into 4th and Krol-ah!”

———-

BROWNS at STEELERS

D.T.: If ever the Browns had a chance at getting in some nice jabs at their dominating rival, this is it. Cheeseburger is out with yet another leg injury, and while Landry has proven himself a better QB2 than Vick, that offense is still not what it is without Ben and Le’Veon. The Browns will get in a few digs, but I expect the Steelers to figure out a way to win, as losing at home to the Browns is basically not an option  (sorry, Mangy).

STEELERS

BMK: If Cheeseburger plays, the Steelers are going to win. If Landry Jones plays, the Steelers are going to win. Hell, if I played the Steelers are going to win.

Actually, they probably won’t if I play, but you get the idea…

STEELERS

———-

JAGUARS at RAVENS

D.T.: Anticipation for this game is deader than the dude Ray Lewis definitely probably maybe didn’t have a hand in murdering.

“I have no idea what D.T. is referring to.”

RAVENS

BMK: Speaking of Ray Lewis and things that are dead, word is that Ray Ray is dropping a hot track on the world next week. That should be wonderful.

Oh? So what’s dead? Simple: my interest in music.

RAVENS

———-

VIKINGS at RAIDERS

D.T.: With Teddy probably out (cold, hahahaha!) for week 10, this is the Raiders game to win or lose. They came really close to beating the Steelers next week, and keep solidifying themselves as a team on the rise. They’re gonna keep going with that, this week.

RAIDERS

BMK: Around the East Bay, anticipation is higher for this game than Donald Faison was at Zach Braff’s bar mitzvah.

“See? You’re a man now, Zach.”

Even though they burned me last week, I’m taking the Raiders. Especially since Bridgewater hasn’t cleared concussion protocols yet.  And by the way, the hit on Bridgewater was absolutely dirty.

RAIDERS

———-

PATRIOTS at GIANTS

D.T.: Has the guy in charge of NFL scheduling been checked for a signs of a stroke lately?

PATRIOTS

BMK: This game reminds me of that scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules is telling Ringo about his philosophy. See, I want to believe that the Giants will beat the Patriots, but that shit aint so. But I’m trying…I’m trying really hard.

Aaaaand it’s gone.

PATRIOTS

———-

CHIEFS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Denver’s match-up with Indy last week was 99% psychological, and there was no other way it could have been, despite the current status of both teams. Each time the Broncos have visited “The House That Manning Built”, the Colts have made it their mission to make a statement, and especially so after the firing of Pep Hamilton (you’re welcome for that, America). The game was close, and could have been a Denver win had Aqib Talib not unintentionally walked right over to Dwayne Allen, interrupted his conversation with Von Miller and placed his fingers through his facemask and into his right eye.

“Well, when you say it like THAT…”

So, the Broncos are going to have to face their Kansas City rivals without the cornerback who’s been responsible for more wins this season than Peyton Manning. And with the track record of difficult and stressful games between Denver and KC, they’re going to feel his absence. Still, Denver has a commanding lead in the AFC West, so the pressure of winning this game isn’t as heavy as it could be. Their biggest obstacle on Sunday will be containing the Chiefs run game (which is still effective, without Jamaal Charles) and getting their own going (which is firmly in the toilet).

BRONCOS

BMK: DTs going to be at this game. So I’m going with the Chiefs. Because I’m an A-HOLE!

CHIEFS

———-

CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Bias aside, anyone who isn’t excited about this match-up and calling it their game of the week is either ignorant about the sport, or a Niners fan. Which, coincidentally, are synonymous.

“What? Nah, brah. I been a Raiders fan my whole life!”

The Seahawks are still at the top of the NFC West food chain, and until someone else knocks them off, they’ll stay that way in the eyes of everyone. To be the team that dethrones them, the Cardinals will have to accomplish two things: pressure Russell Wilson by destroying that ailing Seattle O-Line, and pressuring Seattle’s receivers even harder. Much of Seattle’s success this season has come from opposing defensive backs giving up on coverage, thinking Wilson will get sacked. That’s exactly what Seattle wants, and pressuring Wilson into throwing imperfect passes to well-covered Seattle receivers will win this game. It’s up to Arizona to decide if they want to be that team, or go into Seattle with the yips and let the ‘Hawks run their usual tricks.

CARDINALS

BMK: Can I be honest? (I don’t know…can you?) I don’t know if I’m even going to watch this game. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

But, with my serious football analyst hat on (shut up), I think I’m going with the Seahawks to win this game.  I think the Cardinals, on the whole, are a better team than the Seahawks, but this game is a prime time game and it’s against a team that’s eaten their lunch the last few years.  Not a good combination for this team.

DT spells out how AZ can beat them on the podcast, but it’s easier said than done. I’m not optimistic that they can. But then again, when am I optimistic about this team?  Answer: never.

SEAHAWKS

———-

TEXANS at BENGALS

D.T.: …and a not so great week ends with a whimper. The only advantage the Texans have this week is that they’re coming off a bye week. I’m sure JJ Watt would love to get some sacks on the Red Rifle, but any Texan victories this week will be individual marks.

BENGALS

BMK: Really?

There’s more than one player on the Texans…oh wait, no there’s not.

BENGALS

———-

D.T.: And now I’m off to Denver, Colorado for a long weekend of breweries, women with really nice asses, and I also get to see Peyton Manning break the all-time record for passing yardage… from 30 rows off the field. Hopefully. He’s managed to survive this long into the season, and I hope to the Football Gods that he survives this game, too. And if the Broncos win, he’ll have secured the record for the most wins by a starting QB in league history, as well. I’m rooting for you, Peyton.

“Hey, you’re alright, D.T. — I’ll buy you a beer and only piss in it a little bit.”

Thanks for reading folks, and have a good week!

Back on…um…even.

BMK: On Friday, November 13, 2015, the column was running late. Believe it or not, we do have internal deadlines for this stuff, and DT always makes his.  I made a mental note to get to work at 3pm, after I took the dogs out and played some of the new Call of Duty game. When 3pm rolled around, I checked Facebook as one last time suck before I went to work on the column you’re reading now. That’s when I got word of what happened in Paris.

Living in this country, you become sort of sanguine about mass deaths and shootings in public places. But, for some reason, this hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m 40 now and I have an appreciation for life that younger men don’t have, or maybe it was the picture of Paris after 9/11, when they displayed an American Flag outside the Eiffel Tower in a show of solidarity. I honestly don’t know why this hit me harder than any similar events. But it did. Getting up off the couch to be a smartass about football and ogle Kat Dennings seemed like a hollow pursuit. Hell, I didn’t even feel like making fun of Jon Gruden, and to quote Robin Williams, there’s a guy that’s screaming out to be made fun of.

There’s no uplifting end here. I don’t want to bore anyone with some silly bullshit about the unifying and uplifting power of sports, since I don’t think it applies here. I will say that listening to Deadspin’s podcast Deadcast sort of brought me back.  Hearing Drew Magary and Tim Marchman get cheeky about Mizzou and Greg Hardy uplifted my spirits, as did a recording session with the new voice of the 4^th and Krol Podcast, Alexandria Love. However, I’m not French and I’ve never been to Paris. Hell, I’m not even a fan of Eagles of Death Metal, the concert that was attack in Paris. So, of course I got over this quicker than some.

To call this a senseless act perpetrated by criminals would be an insulting understatement. Of course it is. All that’s left for us is to pick up and move on. To the 140 or so that aren’t with us anymore because some dipshit with a gun got a hardon, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I hope there’s justice for you and your family. Maybe there will be. But all the justice in the world won’t bring anyone back.

Anyway, I’ll stop here before this gets anymore Mcweeny-y and maudlin. I just wanted to get these things off my chest.

Vaya con dios, my friends.