Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: Well, folks, I think we’re gonna blow through this real quick and then go drinking.

It’s easily the worst week of the season, so far. There’s literally only one five-star game, and the rest are either terrible mismatches, or just plain dull. Here we go!
BMK: Again with a slate of crappy games. Really, this year has been devoid of positive drama. Certain teams pulled ahead and stayed that way. The only real drama in the division race is in the AFC South, and that’s only to see how shitty those teams can be and still win a division. Not exactly compelling sports entertainment.
The NFC North race could be interesting, but with Rodgers injured it seems fait accompli that the Vikings will overtake them. The Packers will be in the playoff mix but also seem fated for an early exit (see also Broncos, Denver).
Other than those two situations, it’s been pretty dull this year. At least compared to other years.
Who would’ve thought once they got Brady to stop deflating footballs things would get so damned dull?
Oh well—still better than baseball.
On to the picks!

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TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: How is this game not played in London? Aside from the fact that it’s the Titans and Jaguars, which is reason enough to find something else to do, they’re wearing truly terrible “Color Rush” uniforms. Remember the awful Jets and Bills Color Rush uniforms last week that made the game nearly impossible to look directly at? The Jaguars’ uniforms make those look like Jennifer Lawrence wearing nothing but a smile.

The only people who should be watching this game are blind, deaf and have no idea the TV is on. Even then, they’ll probably sense something terrible is happening.

Fucking JAGUARS, I guess.

BMK: Watching this game will be like being in a machine that kicks you in the nuts repeatedly.

Wasn’t that a Franz Kafka novel?

JAGUARS

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RAIDERS at LIONS

D.T.: Something’s wrong with the Packers that enabled Detroit to beat them, and I think I know what it is:

I don’t even know what kind of unspeakable evil pact has been made in an attempt to win again this week against Oakland. How do you persuade Satan himself to forsake his favorite team?

The Lions had that one game this season that convinced their fanbase not to kill themselves. I hope they enjoyed it because the Raiders are going to beat them and make them feel even worse than before.

RAIDERS

BMK: Last week I got snakebit by hometown team. NEVER AGAIN! So I’m not picking them this week out of dirty, dirty, spite.

But, if you want an intellectual point to hang your hat on, here’s one: the Raiders rank second to last in pass defense and the Lions rank 8^th in pass offense.  Plus, Aldon Smith is gone, and Kahlil Mack hasn’t done squat this season. So yeah, Stafford and the boys will pull this one out.

LIONS

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COLTS at FALCONS

D.T.: Before they’re Bye last week, the Falcons managed to lose to a terrible team with a fucking terrible back-up quarterback.

This week they face off against a terrible team with a QB that’s no longer chained to a fucking moron of a coordinator, and one of two guys who played through Denver’s defense successfully. Goodnight, Matty Ice.

COLTS

BMK: I ruined DT’s vacation last week, so now he ruins my libido with that Matt Ryan picture this week. Thanks DT.

FALCONS
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RAMS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Rams have benched Nick Foles, saying he just needs a “break”. That’s sweet talk for “You’re fucking fired, kid. We’d rather put Case Keenum in against that struggling Baltimore defense than you.” And after losing to the Bears 37-13 last week, I can’t even blame them. The Ravens are poised for a possible comeback after being embarrassed by Jacksonville last week.

RAVENS

BMK: This is a more interesting matchup than it first appears.  The Ravens aren’t necessarily a bad team. Yes, yes, I know that hoary cliché about being what your record is, and I agree with that. Mostly.

However, the Ravens have a top-10 rushing defense, and a QB that’s very good, which should be enough to slow down the Rams, who are in the midst of their annual fade. Plus they’re at home. That should be enough to win.

But if there’s one thing this column has demonstrated over the past two years is that I don’t know shit about football.

RAVENS

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BUCCANEERS at EAGLES

D.T.: Well, Sam Bradford got hurt, so some things remain predictable in the NFL. It’s the Return of Sanchize, and I’m sure Eagles fans are dreading it, while Buccaneers fans are licking their chops.

BUCS

BMK: Winston vs. the Sanchize?  Now that’s a recipe for compelling TV!

BUCS

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BRONCOS at BEARS

D.T.: Well… fuck. Peyton Manning tore his plantar fascia, which is otherwise known as that long, hard ligament in your foot that connects your heel to your toe. For those that don’t get the kind of medical care that pro athletes receive (outside of head injuries), the recovery time is anywhere from 8-12 weeks. That means Brock “Lobster” Owseiler gets his first ever NFL start after spending his career behind Manning, and may very well finish out the season under center. Sunday’s depressing loss against the Chiefs could be the last game Peyton Manning ever plays. Aqib Talib is back after his suspension, so expect Denver’s defense to contain Cutler, and allow Brock time to get acclimated on the field and show signs of competence.

BRONCOS

BMK:  I’m with DT on this one.  The Denver defense is very good and shouldn’t have any problem with Cutler.  That should give Owseiler a good chance to win the game.
BRONCOS
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JETS at TEXANS

D.T.: The Texans knocked the Bengals off, and ruined their perfect season, and Brian Hoyer can’t even remember it because he suffered a concussion. Must be a complete bummer for your team to do the most noteworthy thing it’ll probably do all year, and not be able to recall it. Unless you’re Tom Coughlin, in which case you barely remember which fucking team you’re coaching on any given day.

So, the Texans are rolling out with… wait, who’s their backup? Who cares – that Jets defense is feasting a week before Thanksgiving.

JETS

BMK: I have literally been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with something to write about this game.  Is anyone outside of New York interested in this? If so, why?

The Jets are going to win. The Texans are a complete disappointment. Both on a football level and a moral one.

JETS

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REDSKINS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The most head-scratching event in a true head-scratcher of a week was the Redskins kicking the utter shit out of the Saints (47-14). The result was the dismissal of Saints coordinator Rob Ryan, unattractive daughter of football villain Buddy Ryan, and sister of current Buffalo coach, Rex Ryan. New Orleans’ defense put on a horrifying display, allowing Kirk Cousins 4 touchtowns and zero interceptions. A perfect quarterback performance and rating of 158.3. Will that same type of performance roll into Carolina this week? Probably not.

PANTHERS

BMK: Raise your hand if you thought the Panthers were going to be undefeated. Yeah, put your hand down. You didn’t.  No one saw this coming.  I think they’ll stay that way after Sunday.  I just don’t see the Redskins having enough firepower to slow them down.  That said, I don’t completely buy into the Panthers. We’ll see come playoff time.

PANTHERS

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COWBOYS at DOLPHINS:

D.T.: Romo is back, and looking for satisfaction. He’s gonna find it against a Dolphins squad that barely squeezed out a win against Philly last week.

COWBOYS

BMK: Romo was officially activated on Saturday. I know what that means, but it sounds so…robotic?  Like Jerry Jones has all these Romo clones in his house, a la Sam Rockwell in Moon, and just sends them out to play football the loot the surrounding towns after nightfall.

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CHIEFS at CHARGERS

D.T.: Kansas City had their way with the ailed Broncos squad last week, like Prince backstage with groupies of probably both genders. They’ve made a habit this season of marching through vulnerable teams, and with San Diego in their current state – literally only one, arguably two consistently great players on that squad, and knowing full well that they’re moving to LA – I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Chiefs chalk up another divisional win in their quest to achieve second place in the AFC West.

It’s a bad year for Chargers fans. Not only are they losing their team, but those who would continue to follow them after the move will likely lose their team’s saving grace in Rivers. Anyway, the Chiefs will win. Also, everything on the Chargers’ jerseys looks like lazily-cut-out iron ons.

CHIEFS

BMK: Oh boo-hoo. Poor Chargers fans. They live in a decent city that was heavily featured in both Anchorman and Simon & Simon, and…uh…um…

Yeah, things sort of suck for Chargers fans.

CHIEFS

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PACKERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: I’ve said before that there’s something really wrong in Green Bay, but I can’t piece together what it might be. Losing to the Lions – even if divisional games are traditionally clusterfucks – is confounding. At this rate, I’m comfortable giving the Vikings a win that warms their fans’ hearts. Especially the way Adrian Peterson has been running, so far; that Green Bay defense is toast.

VIKINGS

BMK:  What’s wrong in Green Bay? I tell you what’s wrong in Green Bay. First of all, it’s in Wisconsin. So people eat entirely too much goddamn cheese. Second of all, it’s represented by Reid Ribble, who is a complete tool.  Seriously, this dude was in the House Freedom Caucus. There are the brainiacs that want the US to default, sending the world into economic chaos because freedom.  Third, Aaron Rodgers is injured, so he’s playing crappy.

VIKINGS

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NINERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: As a Cardinals fan, whoever wins… I win! HAH! But really, this is gonna be ugly and Seattle will win by a reasonable margin.

SEATTLE

BMK: Oh my god…I sort of feel for Blaine Gabbart. This is going to be the worst slaughter since Gigli was released.

SEATTLE

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BENGALS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The only reason to watch football this Sunday, unless you’re out of market, in which case you need to get to a sports bar and watch it anyway. It’s seriously the only remotely decent game this weekend, and with good cause. The Bengals are looking to bounce back after a really off day against Houston, and the Cardinals are looking to keep the fire burning after a thrilling win in Seattle last week. That win was the first step in solidifying their legitimacy as contenders this season, and a win against the visiting Cincy squad this Sunday will cement it. This game is going to be Patrick Peterson vs AJ Green, super hardcore to the max. Arizona’s offense has the confidence and weapons to beat that Bengals secondary, but Dalton and AJ Green – looking for redemption – are deadly as fuck, and Arizona’s defense will have to play hard and fast to contain. I say they do it. Still, I worry that Carson Palmer will get the yips against his former team, like he did with the Raiders earlier this season…

CARDINALS

BMK: Second time in as many weeks for Arizona to be on the Prime Time stage. What will happen? I’m thinking AJ Green will explode on the field. Like literally explode. It’ll be really messy but since the Cardinals wear red uniforms, no one will know. And then when he’s just lying there and everyone on the Bengals sideline are looking around saying, “Hey, where’s AJ” and then someone, probably Darryl Washington, since he’s got nothing else to do, will say, “Hey man, AJ just exploded. That’s his spleen on Drew Butler’s pants,” then everyone will feel bad but Palmer will still throw for 300 yards. Or something.

I’m going to myself a favor and not read that paragraph back. I think it’s better just to let it be.

CARDINALS

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BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fucking hell… NFL, how are you going to end a week like this with a game like this? And why do you give the Patriots such a soft fucking schedule from beginning to end so that we’re all forced to watch them go undefeated and hear their fans herald Brady as the second coming? Fuck off, football schedule guys, and fuck off Patriots for getting yet another predictable win to round off a crappy week of football.

PATRIOTS

BMK:  Did you guys know that there are videos on the internet of people bathing baby sloths?  Fuck this noise, I’m watching those.

PATRIOTS

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D.T.: Well, there it is. We got through it, Krol – through sheer will alone. At least in week 12, we have Thanksgiving football to look forward to. Dallas/Carolina should be entertaining, and the copious amount of left over turkey and stuffing will make the rest of the football weekend tolerable. Thanks for reading, folks!

 

BMK: Good god, that was painful.  I’m thinking we need to develop a 4^th and Krol drinking game. Suggestions are welcome.

 

Thanks for reading! And listening! Next week on the podcast, DT and I will discuss whether the NFL is too big. And probably digress into Venezuelan politics. Probably.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

This column was written and compiled while listening to Ryan Adams 1989 and the nagging voice in my head that I really should do these columns before Saturday night.