Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

4th and Krol: Week 13 Picks

leave a comment »

Week Thirteen: This is getting obscene.

Week Thirteen: This is getting obscene.

Note: Yes, I know this very late. But it’s early for week 14.

No, YOU shut up!

D.T.: Lucky number 13! Or at least it already has been for the Packers. Yes, dear readers, I’ve been lazy this week, with hammering work deadlines and celebrating my 32nd birthday, and I’ve only begun writing my half of this week’s column on a Friday. I am ashamed, but not nearly as ashamed as Jeff Fisher, who looks to be leading the Rams to their fifth consecutive loss, the end of their time in St. Louis, and likely an end to his tenure as their coach. But I’m putting the cart ahead of the horse here. Let’s get it on!

BMK: Jeff Fisher ashamed? Pshaw. Jeff Fisher has no shame.  That guy’s the Donald Trump of football coaches, only Donald Trump might have a shot of winning the big game.

———-

PACKERS at LIONS

D.T.: I swear, I picked the Packers to win. Krol and I usually text each other our picks on a game if we haven’t yet gotten the column up before the week begins. I really wanted to change my pick to Detroit at halftime, but my counterpart picked the Packers as well, and insisted we ride the sinking ship together.

Then this happened.

Then this happened.

Thank fuck they weren’t playing in Seattle, right?

PACKERS

BMK: Yeah, I left at halftime to go drink beers with English folk dancers at a bar in Emeryville, CA, not too far from the Pixar campus. When I got home, I watched the highlights, confident  that my decision was the right one.

And what do you know?  After an amazing sequence, the Packers pulled it off.

Aaron Rodgers has gotten a lot of grief lately (including some from yours truly), and a lot of it is well deserved.  But last night he showed us why he’s considered one of the best QB’s to ever play the game. Truly an amazing sequence.

Even if that was a blown face mask call.

PACKERS

———-

JETS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants had a real opportunity to put some ground between them and the Redskins for the lead in the NFC East, but utterly shit the bed. This is another big opportunity for them to fuck up, as they take on the Jets and the Redskins are poised to take another divisional win against the Cowboys. Odell Beckham, Jr. continues to be a human highlight reel, though, and with Revis Island out of the picture and Antonio Cromartie having a shit year, he might be all the Giants need to secure a win this week. It’s 50/50, but I give it to the Giants over their New York roommates.

"Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!"

“Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!”

BMK: The NFC East, for my money, is the last interesting divisional race. I want to see how bad it’ll get before someone is awarded a home playoff game. Mostly because having the Redskins win the division and host a playoff game will amuse me to no end. In a real, “some men just want to watch the world burn” sort of way.

"DT's getting a yellow card for a basic, 'Tom Coughlin is old' joke."

“DT’s getting a yellow card for a basic, ‘Tom Coughlin is old’ joke.”

Anyway, I guess I have to pick this game. I liked the Jets early on, but now they’re falling to pieces. Just like my hopes and dreams.

GIANTS

 

———-

CARDINALS at RAMS

D.T.: The Cardinals are going to win this one, but the question is at what cost? Their running game is stripped of both Chris Johnson and Andre Ellington, and it’s up to star rookie David Johnson to step up. This is scary, two-fold: Johnson has shown great promise and skill already in his career, but he’s prone to fumbles and he lacks the finesse that comes with experience. What’s more is that it leaves more of the burden on Carson Palmer to move the chains, and St. Louis will be gunning for him. HARD.

"You wouldn't take a guy's knees THREE times, right?"

“You wouldn’t take a guy’s knees THREE times, right?”

If the Cardinals defense shows up and contains what’s being called one of the worst offenses in the history of the league, and if the Arizona offensive line can keep Palmer safe, we’ll probably see a rough and tumble, too-narrow-for-comfort Arizona victory.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous, as a Cardinals fan. For all the reasons my partner outlined above.

I really have nothing to add…except my usual dose of skepticism.

RAMS

———-

FALCONS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Does it really matter? I mean, really? The Panthers have this shit locked down, and no one else in that division is even playing for pride anymore. The Falcons lost to the Vikings last week, and the Bucs to an ailing Indy squad with Hasselbeck under center. That’s not a slight against Hasselbeck, but come on. Fuck it, I’m going all out and calling this game a TIE

BOTH TEAMS LOSE

BMK: The NFC South finally broke DT.  But he’s right on the analysis. Does anyone need to see this contest? I mean, win or lose, if you’re a fan of either of these teams you either live in Florida or Georgia; you’re sort of fucked from the word go.  To be fair, despite past their prime webmasters living there, Atlanta is nicer than Florida. Marginally, anyway.

Hell, I’m going with the Buccaneers, cause I believer in Jameis Winston, the way I believed in Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

BUCCANEERS

———-

Seahawks at Vikings

D.T.: The one damned time I root for the Steelers to win at anything, and they let me down. Now Seattle has momentum from beating a team they likely shouldn’t have, and they’re going up against another team they’ve got a fair enough shot at beating. Adrian Peterson is back at the top of his game though, and just might march through that struggling Seattle defense. The Legion of Boom might become the Legion of Whom? at the end of this season, and as much as I don’t care for Peterson, I wouldn’t mind seeing Minnesota contribute to that.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m taking the Vikings. Mostly for emotional reasons. I want them to beat the Seahawks. Hell, I need them to beat the Seahawks. To paraphrase Steve Martin in LA Story, “Picking the Vikings to beat the Seahawks may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at BEARS

D.T.: Anyone who watched the Niners/Cardinals game last weekend deserves an apology from the NFL, and reimbursement for any money spent attempting to enjoy that travesty of football. Something seriously needs to be done about the state of this sport’s quality, and quickly. The sport is too popular and too profitable to allow it to fall into the same level of mismanagement and internal decay as the Niners organization themselves.

"I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.'s comment, but... nah, I can't give a fuck."

“I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.’s comment, but… nah, I can’t give a fuck.”

This game should be a black hole for highlights, and I think Chicago will take an unconvincing win.

BEARS

BMK: Yeah, that Cardinals/49ers game was brutal. I’ll even say it: the Cardinals were outplayed by the 49ers.  But like all good teams, the Cardinals found a way to win, and the 49ers were thrown even further into despair. These guys even fired their team President. Sorry—they mutually agreed to part ways.

That euphemism needs to be retired. Retired like how Harrison Ford retired Joanna Cassidy in Blade Runner.

Anyway, the Bears are playing better, the “enigmatic”  Jay Cutler is being a decent QB, and plus the 49ers just stink.  That all adds up to a victory by the…

BEARS

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

———-

JAGUARS at TITANS

D.T.: Didn’t these assholes just play each other? I’m just glad they’re not wearing those fucking Color Rush uniforms again. Jaguars will take another win.

JAGUARS

BMK: The AFC South race to the bottom used to interest me. Now I’m enamored with the NFC East. As such, I can’t be bother to talk about this awful match up.

JAGUARS

———-

TEXANS at BILLS

D.T.: It’s really weird that it’s taken the Texans this long into the season to start building some momentum. But, I guess when you’re in a division with the Titans and Jaguars, it’s literally never too late to make a play for the post-season. The Bills are in a bit of a freefall, and with the way Houston has been playing on both sides of the ball in the last couple of weeks, I think they’re set for a win in Buffalo. But does anyone really win anything when they’re in Buffalo, New York?

Nope.

Nope.

TEXANS

BMK: I once went to a wedding in Buffalo, New York. In December. It sort of sucked and so did the chicken wings from the place that invented them. That said, a colleague of mine from law school lives there. We were out drinking and eating at a quaint French joint in Palo Alto and he told me that you can buy a “palace” there for not a lot of money.

“Yeah,” I said, “but then you’re still in fucking Buffalo.”

I felt very clever and smug till I drove back home to my shack in Hayward that I paid way too much money for.

TEXANS

———-

RAVENS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Last week, the Ravens destroyed what little hope and happiness Browns fans still possessed. That broken Baltimore team marched into Cleveland looking like the Browns might secure a convincing divisional win against their most hated rivals. Instead, they snatched a narrow loss away, leaving already dejected and suicidal Browns fans even more depressed and miserable.

 And this jersey cost two months' average salary in Northern Ohio...

And this jersey cost two months’ average salary in Northern Ohio…

Now they’re going to embarrass the Miami Dolphins, who have run out of people to fire.

RAVENS

BMK: Not so fast DT. The Dolphins just fired me. L

RAVENS

———-

BENGALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Good fucking god, have pity on Cleveland.

BENGALS

BMK: Here’s a little more inside baseball for the 4th and Krol reader out there. When DT turns his half of the column in, I try to write less where he’s written more and vice versa. However, what the hell do I say about this game? The Bengals are going to win, the outcome will never be in doubt, and Cleveland residents will still exist in some permanent ghost state of despair. The world will march past them, and they’ll have to watch us all progress in our lives, like a hungry man looking through a window at a nice restaurant.  Their souls will never know peace; never know satisfaction; never know hope, until the grey raincloud of this world recedes and their souls go off to a far green country.

Then they’ll find out they’re in Kentucky and everything still sucks.

BENGALS

———-

CHIEFS at RAIDERS

D.T.: I thought the Chiefs might have been looking at a chance at the AFC West, but that was before the Brockpocalypse started, and Osweiler showed us that spending your career watching Peyton Manning from the sidelines actually makes you a pretty okay professional quarterback. So now the Chiefs and Raiders duke it out for the number two spot, and maybe I’m crazy, but I think the Raiders might take this one. They’ve earned a lot of good will this year, and a divisional win at home would be a delight for a fanbase that’s probably going to lose their team at the end of this season.

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are such an “enigmatic” franchise this year. Sometimes they look good, sometimes they look bad. It’s almost as if they’re a mediocre team. Who knew?

CHIEFS

———-

BRONCOS at CHARGERS

D.T.: So Brock Lobster toppled the previously undefeated Patriots, injured Gronkowski and made Belichick show emotion. That’s pretty fucking impressive, Denver. For a team that most people were on the verge of writing off, they’ve come back in a big way and they’re going to kick the shit out of poor Rivers and whoever else they’ve got walking out of the tunnel at Qualcomm Stadium. Then again, if they somehow lose to the Chargers, the entire sports media will be right back to saying they’re done. C’est la vie.

BRONCOS

BMK: Right now my brain is telling me to take the Broncos.  The Chargers are not going anywhere and Brock Osweiler has more to play for this week than Philip Rivers. Of course, trying as I am to be the Statler and Waldorf of football, if the Chargers beat the Broncos, there’ll be more chaos in Denver and thus, more for me and DT to talk about on the podcast. So I’m going with my heart again.

CHARGERS

———-

EAGLES at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Enjoy your rebound from last week’s lost, Patriots fans. And enjoy unemployment, Chip.

"Chip Kelly knows you're joking because Chip Kelly hasn't lost any games and wouldn't get fired. Now if you'll excuse Chip Kelly, Chip Kelly needs to go suck Chip Kelly's dick."

“Chip Kelly knows you’re joking because Chip Kelly hasn’t lost any games and wouldn’t get fired. Now if you’ll excuse Chip Kelly, Chip Kelly needs to go suck Chip Kelly’s dick.”

PATRIOTS

BMK: That joke was beyond the boundary of good taste, DT.

PATRIOTS

———-

PANTHERS at SAINTS

D.T.: I’m already thinking of ways to console my friend in New Orleans. Fuck me, this is gonna be ugly for the Who Dats.

PANTHERS
BMK: We’ll see. I want the Panthers to lose. So I’m taking the Saints.

I’m going crazy this week I think.
———-

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: As heartwarming as it would be to see Hasselbeck lead the Colts to victory against the evil that is Pittsburgh…

I mean, come on. You've got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it's Pro Bowl team sorted out.

I mean, come on. You’ve got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it’s Pro Bowl team sorted out.

…that shit sadly isn’t going to happen. Especially at Heinz Field.

STEELERS

BMK: Pittsburgh’s not evil. At least the town isn’t. Sure, it’s sort of ugly, and the natives have baffling accents, but there’s some great Italian food there, and you can find awesome French fries at the Big O in Oakland.

And…uh…hmmm…

Yeah, the Colts are going to lose.

STEELERS

———-

COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Another utterly lackluster Monday Night game, leaving us all a little hollow and unfulfilled the following Tuesday morning. Romo made a brief reappearance and won a game, then promptly left again for the season. The QB situation in his absence has been so bad that even Jerrah Jones, who – in a combination of senility and hubris – prides himself on being a fine NFL owner and GM, has given himself an “F” rating for his handling of things. The Redskins are going to take a divisional win, and a lead in the division. We’re going to keep hearing that “You like that?!” shit for another week, and… fuck me, we’re probably going to see the Redskins in the postseason. They’ll get fucking slaughtered in the first round, but assholes like Dan Snyder and Jay Gruden will feel an itch of justification and validation, and we’ll continue to see the Redskins flounder in their current situation for seasons to come.

REDSKINS

BMK: At this point, Tony Romo is like the special guest star on the Cowboys. He shows up, some good things happens, then he’s done for the year. Sort of like when Colonel Flagg shows up on MASH.

Anyway, the Redskins march to the playoffs continues unabated this week.

REDSKINS

———-

DT: And on that happy note, we’re done! Next week should be interesting: I’ve been informed that B. Michael Krol will be once again gracing the Valley of the Sun (that’s in Arizona, folks) with his presence. There’s plans in the works for the two of us to spend all of next Sunday drowning in football (and no doubt female fans of 4th and Krol throwing themselves at us). We might have to do something special to commemorate the event. Anyway, looking forward to next week! Thanks for reading, as always!

 

BMK: Yep. Another week in the books. DT’s right, I will be in AZ next week so maybe we’ll record our podcast on Sunday.

 

Thanks for reading!

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat Dennings 02

This post was written to another techno playlist and the sounds of pugs fighting.
Advertisements

Written by B. Michael Krol

December 6, 2015 at 12:24 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: