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Archive for the ‘TV’ Category

Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Harry Potter Edition

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Okay, I, like most of the civilized world, checked out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One this last weekend.  In fact, I saw it twice.   On the whole it worked better for me the second time than it did the first, and for that I am grateful, since I seem to be the only person in the free world that doesn’t think it’s all that.  And I hate being the odd man out on cultural touchstones.

Anyway, to lead up to the premier, I watched the previous six films in order.  Not all in one day of course (though I did attend The Harry Potter Adventure at my local AMC, where I saw 5 and 6 before the midnight premier of 7).  As I was watching the flicks, it occurred to me that there was a very simple way to avoid the entire rigmarole that Harry was going through.  We’ll call it the Cameron solution.

So what’s the solution?  Easy: go back in time and fuck Voldemort up.

This guy would've killed Tom Riddle as soon as he saw him...

You see, time travel is firmly established for the Harry Potter universe in book three.  In that book, Hermione has a locket that lets her go back in time.  The teachers allow a thirteen year old girl this potentially planet wrecking power because she wants to take a bunch of extra classes.  And it occurred to me during the Godric’s Hollow sequence in film 7, that if everyone in the wizard world wanted to get rid of this no nose bastard, it would be very easy.  As an example, all Dumbledore has to do is go back in time and line Harry Potter’s house with C4.  When Voldemort walks in to kill Lilly and James, blow the house, and Voldemort, the fuck up. Hell, if Dumbledore was feeling nice, he could even warn Lilly and James Potter before he does this.  Or not.  Dumbledore can be something of a prick.  Just ask Aberforth.

Or, if that’s too subtle for you, go back in time and ice the little bastard when he’s just molesting kids at the orphanage.  It would be very easy. I imagine it would go something like this:

Dumbledore: Tom Riddle?

Tom Riddle/Voldemore: Yes.

Dumbledore: Avada Kadevera!

Tom Riddle/Voldemort: Arrrghh!

Dumbledore: (looks at watch) Sweet, it aint even tea time yet. Time for a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. I’m audi!

And don’t give me any of this garbage that Dumbledore didn’t know that Tom Riddle would be such a problem.  His future self could warn his past self.  Like so:

Old Dumbledore (O.D.): (appears in young Dumbledore’s office): Hey!

Young Dumbledore (Y.D.): Dude, you look just like me.  But older.

O.D.: That’s cause I am you, genius.  And speaking of which, you know that kid you just let into Hogwarts? You know, the one from the orphanage who used to steal and molest the kids?

Y.D.: You mean the creepy looking one?

O.D.: That’s him.  Turns out that decision won’t make our highlight reel.

Y.D.: It was a bad move then?

O.D.: You could say that.  So, here, take your wand and go waste the little prick before he becomes a full blown a-hole.  Capisce?

Y.D.: Got it.  After that I’ll go get a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.

O.D.: Yeah, about that…turns out we’re gay.

Y.D.:  Really?  Guess I should start dressing better, huh..

See?  It’s simple and spares everyone in the Potterverse a bunch of nonsense.  Just kill the jerk before he gets into any trouble and then go have a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.   Easy as pie.

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Written by B. Michael Krol

November 22, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition

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Okay, so last night I was watching Buffy season 7 episode 18 (Dirty Girls) and a thought occurred to me: Buffy was screwing up strategically.

This will be Dick Cheney's favorite post of mine...

For those of you who don’t know, this is the episode where Buffy goes after Caleb for the first time.  She gets her ass kicked, several potential slayers die, and Xander loses an eye.  Oh yeah —  there were spoilers in that last sentence.

Caleb and these weird guys without eyes (the “Bringers”) are holed up in some weird barn looking thing on a vineyard.  Buffy decides she needs to take them out so she gets her army and heads over there.  At that point the whole thing goes kerplooey. Afterwards, she wants to go back and everyone bails on her. Her own sister kicks her out of the house.  Harsh bud, bro.

The problem was Buffy attempted a frontal assault and got defeated, handily, by her enemy.  Caleb is stronger than her and the Slayer potentials are just weak.   Buffy’s main strategy in combat — close quarters hand-to-hand — is an effective one in this case.

Here’s what she should’ve done.

Get some machine guns.  A lot of them.  Aim them at all the doors from fixed points pretty far away. When the Bringers and Caleb come out, shoot them. A lot.  Shoot them in the face. Shoot them in the chest, in the legs, in the junk, etc.  These guys aren’t that tough.  Knives can bring down the Bringers, and Caleb is only tough in close quarters. Solution: shoot them in the face. Dick Cheney them, as it were.

How should Buffy get them to leave the barn?  I’m glad you asked.  The barn is made out of wood and stone.   So here’s what you do: when the machine guns are in place, fire bomb the shit out of it.  Just start throwing Maltovs like you were playing GTA IV.  Eventually, the jackasses inside the barn will get the picture and leave. When they do, they get shot in the face.  Done.  Caleb is killed, the First needs a whole mess of Bringers, and Xander still has both eyes.

What’s really irritating is Buffy has used this strategy before.  When she went up against the Judge, another devastating hand-to-hand opponent, home girl used a goddamned rocket launcher.  That’s forward thinking.  That’s being pro-active and getting shit done.

He got blowed the F up...

In conclusion, when in doubt, shoot people in the face.

Oh, and about that Seal in the basement of the school. You know the one — it’s where all the killer Uber Vamps come from.  Here’s a solution: concrete.  Lots and lots of concrete. Fill the damn room full of concrete and then go have a shake.  Easy, right?  Somehow the idea of using a lot concrete to seal up a room eluded a crew that includes a dude that works in construction.

Anyway, still a great show and a good episode.

Written by B. Michael Krol

June 25, 2010 at 1:46 pm