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4th and Krol: Week 17! The Final Picks Column for the ’15-’16 Season!

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Week 17:  Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

Week 17: Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…

Pagano

Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016

Kelly

Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015

Whis

Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015

Pettine

Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016

Philbin

Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015

Ryan

Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015

Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!

BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!

Shame

———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!

Yep, that's honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.

———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS

———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS

———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS

———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.

"I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway."

“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”

I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.

GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!

"That's it DT, you're being ejected for making obvious jokes."

“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”

GIANTS

———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…

He cares.

REDSKINS

———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.

"...shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y."

“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”

Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?

TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.

"Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol..."

“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”

Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS

———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!

 

"You know nothing, Bryan Krol."

“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”

"Really? Crap, I just bought a house..."

“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”

BENGALS

———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.

"Where's the craps table?"

“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”

STEELERS

———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS

———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?

"...and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!"

“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”

———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.

"Hey, out of all the teams that'll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?"

“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?

BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.

BRONCOS

———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER

———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.

You don't do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

I’d like to see a convincing Cardinals win here. Russell Wilson is still dangerous as hell, but that offensive line is in shambles, and the Cardinals can solidify their identity once and for all. And I think Bruce Arians is the type of guy to play at full steam and insist on making that statement.
CARDINALS
BMK: *pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries….*
SEAHAWKS

———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?

"Why? I'll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!"

“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!”

RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS

———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.

BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.

Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.

The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.

Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.

And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.

ed5e0302da32664085b6c5ee0cde8c86 Kat

I had dreams like this during puberty.

Kat Dennings 02

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

full-kat-dennings-4400af1757fa4d19e6b546338944204d-smaller-109284

"Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?"

"Nanobubbles, you say?"

"I CARE about Philip Rivers!"

"No you're not Kat...Nobody likes Tomsula."

15a4fd07421a476a706cc6a48de25bf9e9e985cd59084cb7c91374499446aae7

"I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo's system, but you wouldn't stop staring and drooling."

"Whatever..."

"No, you wouldn't."

Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn't call her...

"Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life."

"Wait...Krol's actually using analysis?"

This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...

 

4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!

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Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

"Wait... I thought we were supposed to throw the women."

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I'm thankful for you.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia.  This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Eagles dog, I'm thankful for you!

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I'm thankful for you.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude's adorable...

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here's this...

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don't have cheerleaders, so here's Kloi again. I'm very thankful for her.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay?  Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats.  I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I'm thankful for you. And you.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.

TEXANS

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day.  Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I'm thankful for you!

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously...this dude looks like Dexter.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I'm thankful for you!

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I'm fierce! Like Bridgewater!

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don't have cheerleaders either, so here's Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos.  But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares?  Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

This guy, however, does NOT care.


———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I'm thankful for YOU!

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally,  Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I'm VERY thankful for you!

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep...Blaine Gabbert.

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls...

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I'm... I just... damn, girl.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack.  Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset.  Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie's people need to get with it...

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along...

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader.  I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful.

BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup.  Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit?  This is just embarrassing, NFL.

You'd think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.

"Really, Krol?"

“Really, Krol?”

—————–

 

D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).

 

BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.

See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.

Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Smart AND sexy

Smart AND sexy

This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.

 

4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!

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Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…

Good day

And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!

BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in.  Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.

On to the picks!

———-

BROWNS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.

BENGALS

BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above.  But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.

"You're just mad cause I got Kat Dennings's phone number..."

“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”

BENGALS

———-

PACKERS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.

"About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry."

About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.

I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.

PACKERS

BMK: That Monday night game was interesting.  It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!

Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.

"Yeah? Least I got a job Krol...wait, hold on, Irsay's on the phone..."

“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”

Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.

PACKERS

———-

REDSKINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Spoilers.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.

You guys remember V?  That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it.  What if the Nazis were aliens.”

And on that day, V was born.

Oh, yeah. The pick…

PATRIOTS

———-

TITANS at SAINTS

D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.

SAINTS

BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt's aged pretty well. Mostly.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.

"Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night."

“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at BILLS

D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.

"Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it's only practice."

“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”

I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.

DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills.  Just to spite DT.

BILLS
———-

RAMS at VIKINGS

D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…

"Come on, man. Like you've never brutally beaten a child before."

“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”

…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.

RAMS

BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.

Anyway…

The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.

The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.

RAMS

———-

JAGUARS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.

JETS

BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.

Ed...take a break, broham.

Ed…take a break, broham.

JETS

———-

RAIDERS at STEELERS

D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.

"...yeah, probably."

“…yeah, probably.”

Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.

RAIDERS

BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game.  Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.

And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…

STEELERS

———-

GIANTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.

"Yeah, well, you're a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!"

“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”

The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.

BUCS

BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.

Isn't he dreamy?

Awww…

GIANTS

———-

FALCONS at NINERS

D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.

"Oh, hey... uh... sorry about that thing I said about your face."

“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”

FALCONS

BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.

I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.

FALCONS

———-

BRONCOS at COLTS

D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.

"Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning... hey, have you been working out?"

“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”

This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.

BRONCOS

BMK: Is Peyton Manning done?  Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.

Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve.  Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.

That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.

BRONCOS

———-

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.

EAGLES

BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.

It’ll be Niffleheim.

EAGLES

———-

BEARS at CHARGERS

D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).

"Well, D.T.'s definitely goin' somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks."

“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”

I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.

CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win?  Tune in and find out!

BEARS
———-

D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.

Ain't gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!

 

BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.

And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.

Thanks for reading and listening.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

 

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…

 

This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.

4th and Krol: Week Eight!

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Week Eight: It's not too late...unless you're the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay...

Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…

D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…

"D.T., it's Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in."

“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”

We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.

BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week.  But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I.  Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!

———-

DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:

"¡Yo soy orgía!"

“¡Yo soy orgía!”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.

PATRIOTS

———-

LIONS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.

CHIEFS

BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!

CHIEFS
———-

BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:

D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary.  There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on.  They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league.  Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

FALCONS

———-

CARDINALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.

ARIZONA

BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.

Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.

ARIZONA

———-

NINERS at RAMS

D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.

"Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good."

“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”

Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.

"I'll have those fingers, if he doesn't want 'em."

“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”

Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.

 

RAMS

BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.

Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.

Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.

RAMS
———-

GIANTS at SAINTS

D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…

…you have to go with Nawlins.

SAINTS

BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants.  PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!

"Yeah! You tell 'em Krol!"

“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”

GIANTS

———-

VIKINGS at BEARS

D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.

VIKINGS

BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.

"Stop. Just stop."

“Stop. Just stop.”

Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.

BEARS
———-

CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.

"Oh, really?"

“Oh, really?”

All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.

RAVENS

 

BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything.  Except moving to LA.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

RAVENS

———-

 

BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.

"Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!"

“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”

BENGALS

BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?

"Uh, what?"

“Uh, what?”

Yes.

BENGALS

———-

TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.

TITANS

BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.

Wait, no I’m not.

TITANS

———-

JETS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.

JETS

BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning  around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…

JETS

———-

SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.

Cheerleaders 2

 

Cheerleaders 1

SEAHAWKS

BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.

"No, you wouldn't."

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle.  Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.

"I sure did. And you didn't stop me."

“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”

SEAHAWKS

———-

PACKERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?

The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.

GREEN BAY

BMK: This is a fantastic game.  I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.

By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…

GREEN BAY

———-

COLTS at PANTHERS:

D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.

This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.

PANTHERS

BMK: This is an interesting game?  Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT.  There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…

"Whatever..."

“Whatever…”

I guess you’re right. This is it.

PANTHER
———-

D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!

 

BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes.  What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!

What? You expected something else?  Have you been paying attention?

Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…

"This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers."

“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”

This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.

4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five

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Week Five: So ALIVE! Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy...

Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…

D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.

Batman

ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.

This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is.  That guy really grinds my gears.

Anyway…on to the picks!

———-

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.

A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.

COLTS

BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.

Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.

TEXANS

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud, but who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead.

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…

Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…

———-

BEARS at CHIEFS

D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.

CHIEFS

BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs.  They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage.  Even with Jay Cutler.

CHIEFS

———-

SEAHAWKS at BENGALS

D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.

Nah, it's cool bro! I've got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It's called morphine!

Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!

Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.

BENGALS

BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh?  Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule.  And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:

  • You’re an idiot
  • I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!

The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh!  Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes.  Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.

I hope it’s this Sunday.

BENGALS

Pictured: The Author

Pictured: The Author

———-

REDSKINS at FALCONS

D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.

FALCONS

BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.

Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.

FALCONS

———-

JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.

BUCCANEERS

BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.

JAGUARS

———-

SAINTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.

SAINTS

BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).

This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year.  But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).

So where am I going with this?  Shut up, that’s where!

SAINTS

———-

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.

"I ain't sayin' the mofucka's dead, but... mofucka's dead."

“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”

The Ravens will win, by the way.

RAVENS

BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…

RAVENS

———-

RAMS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.

"It was like prom, all over again."

“It was like prom, all over again.”

I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.

PACKERS

BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else.  Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.

The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable.  But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game.   The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.

RAMS
———-

BILLS at TITANS

D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).

"Actually D.T., we're running on pure fuck you."

“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”

They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.

BILLS

BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?

That’s all I got for this game.

BILLS

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

———-

CARDINALS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.

CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination.  But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.

Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.

PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.

PATRIOTS
———-

BRONCOS at RAIDERS

D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.

Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.

Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…

“Don’t, Krol.”

“Don’t, Krol.”

Okay, okay…

BRONCOS

———-

NINERS at GIANTS

D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he'll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.

GIANTS

BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating.  Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.

GIANTS

———-

STEELERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.

"..."

“…”

The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.

Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.

BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.

—–

D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.

 

"It's super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!"

“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”

BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…

 

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.

Inaugural 4th And Krol Podcast

with one comment

DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns.  Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones.  And DT too, I guess.

It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…

Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator.  This should be fixed now.  Enjoy!

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 9, 2015 at 10:04 pm

4th and Krol Picks: Week 3

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Week Three!

Week Three!

D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?

"Yeah, bitches!"

“Yeah, bitches!”

So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!

BMK: Week Three is interesting.  We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.

We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?

On to the picks!

———-

REDSKINS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.

 "Let's see... mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face... yep. This part of the article checks out."


“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”

GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle.  The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.

GIANTS
———-

FALCONS at COWBOYS

D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.

"Ah'm still alive, ya somesabishes!"

“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”

FALCONS

BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage.  So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment.  These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.

Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.

That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones.  Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games.  That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.

COWBOYS

———-

COLTS at TITANS

D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.

COLTS

BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West.  Maybe Jacksonville?

Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans.  Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV.  Then I’m all like see ya!

COLTS

———-

RAIDERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.

"It ain't for everyone, though."

“It ain’t for everyone, though.”

I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.

 

"Did someone say snatch?"

“Did someone say snatch?”

I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.

RAIDERS

BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.

Did some one say creepy?

Did someone say creepy?

RAIDERS
———-

BENGALS at RAVENS

D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.

RAVENS

BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.

BENGALS

———-

JAGUARS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.

"Hee hee... he said balls. W-wait a second..."

“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Jesus Christ.  Just look at that guy.  I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.

And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”

PATRIOTS

By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore.  When’s the last time a football column did that?  And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY

Crap...Spoke too soon.

Crap…Spoke too soon.

———-

SAINTS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.

SAINTS

BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career.  Maybe he’s getting it?  I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.

PANTHERS

———-

EAGLES at JETS

D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.

JETS

BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team?  Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot...

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…

If even that well.

JETS

———-

BUCCANNERS at TEXANS

D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.

"Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback."

“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”

I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.

TEXANS

BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.

"Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!"

“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”

No, not that Outback…

Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong!  Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!

So, I don’t get it.  I’m going with the safe Pick.

TEXANS

———-

CHARGERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?

"I thought everyone knew that."

“I thought everyone knew that.”

It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.

CHARGERS

BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder?  Pass…

CHARGERS

———-

STEELERS at RAMS

D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.

STEELERS
BMK:  The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One.  Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness.  I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers.  Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.

I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.

STEELERS
———-

NINERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.

The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous.  Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.

The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era.  I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.

Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…

49ERS

"Krol picked the Niners? Good...everything's going according to plan..."

“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”

———-

BILLS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.

Yeah, I said "less masculine". I stand by it.

Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.

The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.

BILLS

BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!

The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup.  Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.

Kat's mad about that evolution joke.

Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.

DOLPHINS

———-

BEARS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.

SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.

"My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I'm not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!"

“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”

The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.

But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children?  That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!

SEAHAWKS
———-

BRONCOS at LIONS

D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.

"Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy..."

“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”

As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.

BRONCOS

BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.

"It's okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay."

“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”

BRONCOS

———-

CHIEFS at PACKERS

D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.

"No one throws to Sherman's side? Heh... watch this."

“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”

The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.

PACKERS

BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.

———-

BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week?  Tune in and find out.

Or just keep ignoring us.  Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.

When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh?  When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.

Cheers!

 

This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it.  So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.

Resting bitch face never looked so good.