Posts Tagged ‘Tom Brady’
4th and Krol: Week 17! The Final Picks Column for the ’15-’16 Season!
Week 17: Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?
D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…
Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016
Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015
Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015
Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016
Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015
Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015
Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!
BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!
———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!
Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.
JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.
———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS
———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS
———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS
———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.
“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”
I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.
GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!
“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”
GIANTS
———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…
REDSKINS
———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.
“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”
Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?
TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.
“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”
Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS
———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!
“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”
“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”
BENGALS
———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.
“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”
STEELERS
———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS
———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?
“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”
———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.
“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?“
BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.
BRONCOS
———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER
———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.
You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.
I’d like to see a convincing Cardinals win here. Russell Wilson is still dangerous as hell, but that offensive line is in shambles, and the Cardinals can solidify their identity once and for all. And I think Bruce Arians is the type of guy to play at full steam and insist on making that statement.
CARDINALS
BMK: *pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries….*
SEAHAWKS
———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?
“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!”
RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS
———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.
BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.
Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.
The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.
Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.
Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.
And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.
“
This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...
4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!
Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.
D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.
BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?
———-
EAGLES at LIONS
D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.
“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”
Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.
Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.
EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia. This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.
I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.
Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.
EAGLES
———-
PANTHERS at COWBOYS
D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.
Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.
PANTHERS
BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.
This dude’s adorable…
Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.
In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…
COWBOYS
———-
BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.
The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.
PACKERS
BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.
To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay? Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.
Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.
PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats. I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.
Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!
———-
SAINTS at TEXANS
D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.
Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.
TEXANS
BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.
I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day. Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.
Of COURSE I went for the pug.
TEXANS
———-
RAMS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.
Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.
Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!
BENGALS
BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.
Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.
BENGALS
Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!
———-
VIKINGS at FALCONS
D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.
Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!
VIKINGS
BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.
Remember this clown?
The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.
VIKINGS
I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!
———-
GIANTS at REDSKINS
D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.
The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?
GIANTS
BMK: Who gives a shit?
This guy is much cooler than you.
GIANTS
———-
BUCCANEERS at COLTS
D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.
Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!
BUCCANEERS
BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.
Actually, Brooke is super cute.
BUCCANEERS
———-
BILLS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.
Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!
CHIEFS
BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos. But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.
CHIEFS
———-
RAIDERS at TITANS
D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.
Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!
RAIDERS
BMK: Who cares? Well, we all know who cares…
He cares.
RAIDERS
This guy, however, does NOT care.
———-
CHARGERS at JAGUARS
D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.
Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally, Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!
I feel so bad for this dog.
JAGUARS
———-
DOLPHINS at JETS
D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.
Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!
JETS
BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.
Which is why he’s winning.
Double your fun!
DOLPHINS
———-
CARDINALS at NINERS
D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.
Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!
CARDINALS
BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.
First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…
Yep…Blaine Gabbert.
Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.
CARDINALS
Draw me like your French girls…
———-
STEELERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.
Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.
SEATTLE
BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack. Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset. Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…
I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…
STEELERS
———-
PATRIOTS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.
Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!
PATRIOTS
BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.
But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?
Right?
Finally getting along…
BRONCOS
Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader. I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.
That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.
———-
RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.
…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.
I am so thankful.
BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup. Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit? This is just embarrassing, NFL.
You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...
And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.
“Really, Krol?”
—————–
D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).
BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.
See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.
Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.
Smart AND sexy
This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.
4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!
Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?
D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…
And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!
BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in. Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.
On to the picks!
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BROWNS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.
BENGALS
BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above. But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.
“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”
BENGALS
———-
PACKERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.
About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.
I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.
PACKERS
BMK: That Monday night game was interesting. It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!
Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.
“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”
Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.
PACKERS
———-
REDSKINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.
PATRIOTS
BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.
This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.
You guys remember V? That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it. What if the Nazis were aliens.”
And on that day, V was born.
Oh, yeah. The pick…
PATRIOTS
———-
TITANS at SAINTS
D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.
SAINTS
BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.
Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.
“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”
SAINTS
———-
DOLPHINS at BILLS
D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.
“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”
I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills. Just to spite DT.
BILLS
———-
RAMS at VIKINGS
D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…
“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”
…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.
RAMS
BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.
Anyway…
The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.
The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.
RAMS
———-
JAGUARS at JETS
D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.
JETS
BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.
Ed…take a break, broham.
JETS
———-
RAIDERS at STEELERS
D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.
“…yeah, probably.”
Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.
RAIDERS
BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game. Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.
And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…
STEELERS
———-
GIANTS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.
“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”
The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.
BUCS
BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.
Awww…
GIANTS
———-
FALCONS at NINERS
D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.
“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”
FALCONS
BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.
I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.
FALCONS
———-
BRONCOS at COLTS
D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.
“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”
This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.
BRONCOS
BMK: Is Peyton Manning done? Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.
Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve. Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.
That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.
BRONCOS
———-
EAGLES at COWBOYS
D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.
EAGLES
BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.
It’ll be Niffleheim.
EAGLES
———-
BEARS at CHARGERS
D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).
“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”
I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.
CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win? Tune in and find out!
BEARS
———-
D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.
Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.
I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!
BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.
And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.
Thanks for reading and listening.
And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…
My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…
This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.
4th and Krol: Week Eight!
Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…
D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…
“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”
We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.
BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week. But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I. Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!
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DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:
“¡Yo soy orgía!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.
PATRIOTS
———-
LIONS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.
CHIEFS
BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!
CHIEFS
———-
BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:
D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.
FALCONS
BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary. There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on. They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league. Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…
Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.
FALCONS
———-
CARDINALS at BROWNS
D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.
ARIZONA
BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.
Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.
ARIZONA
———-
NINERS at RAMS
D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.
“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”
Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.
“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”
Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.
RAMS
BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.
Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.
Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.
RAMS
———-
GIANTS at SAINTS
D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…
…you have to go with Nawlins.
SAINTS
BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants. PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!
“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”
GIANTS
———-
VIKINGS at BEARS
D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.
VIKINGS
BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.
“Stop. Just stop.”
Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.
BEARS
———-
CHARGERS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.
“Oh, really?”
All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.
RAVENS
BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything. Except moving to LA.
I sure as hell did, Gosling.
RAVENS
———-
BENGALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.
“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”
BENGALS
BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?
“Uh, what?”
Yes.
BENGALS
———-
TITANS at TEXANS
D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.
TITANS
BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.
Wait, no I’m not.
TITANS
———-
JETS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.
JETS
BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…
JETS
———-
SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.
“No, you wouldn’t.”
Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle. Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.
“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”
SEAHAWKS
———-
PACKERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?
Oh, right.
This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?
The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.
GREEN BAY
BMK: This is a fantastic game. I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.
By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…
GREEN BAY
———-
COLTS at PANTHERS:
D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.
This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.
PANTHERS
BMK: This is an interesting game? Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT. There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…
“Whatever…”
I guess you’re right. This is it.
PANTHER
———-
D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!
BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes. What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!
What? You expected something else? Have you been paying attention?
Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…
“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”
This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.
4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five
Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…
D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.
ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.
This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is. That guy really grinds my gears.
Anyway…on to the picks!
———-
COLTS at TEXANS
D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.
A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.
COLTS
BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.
Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.
TEXANS
This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…
Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…
———-
BEARS at CHIEFS
D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.
Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.
It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.
CHIEFS
BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs. They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage. Even with Jay Cutler.
CHIEFS
———-
SEAHAWKS at BENGALS
D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.
Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!
Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.
BENGALS
BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh? Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule. And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:
- You’re an idiot
- I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!
The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh! Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes. Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.
I hope it’s this Sunday.
BENGALS
Pictured: The Author
———-
REDSKINS at FALCONS
D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.
FALCONS
BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.
Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.
FALCONS
———-
JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.
JAGUARS
———-
SAINTS at EAGLES
D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.
AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.
It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.
SAINTS
BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).
This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year. But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).
So where am I going with this? Shut up, that’s where!
SAINTS
———-
BROWNS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.
“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”
The Ravens will win, by the way.
RAVENS
BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…
RAVENS
———-
RAMS at PACKERS
D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.
“It was like prom, all over again.”
I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.
PACKERS
BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else. Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.
The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable. But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game. The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.
RAMS
———-
BILLS at TITANS
D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).
“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”
They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.
BILLS
BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?
That’s all I got for this game.
BILLS
DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.
———-
CARDINALS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.
The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.
CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination. But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.
Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?
CARDINALS
———-
PATRIOTS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.
PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.
PATRIOTS
———-
BRONCOS at RAIDERS
D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.
BRONCOS
BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.
Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.
Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…
“Don’t, Krol.”
Okay, okay…
BRONCOS
———-
NINERS at GIANTS
D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.
Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.
The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.
GIANTS
BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating. Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.
GIANTS
———-
STEELERS at CHARGERS
D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.
“…”
The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.
Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.
BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.
—–
D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.
“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”
BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…
Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings
This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.
Inaugural 4th And Krol Podcast
DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns. Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones. And DT too, I guess.
It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…
Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator. This should be fixed now. Enjoy!
4th and Krol Picks: Week 3
Week Three!
D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?
“Yeah, bitches!”
So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!
BMK: Week Three is interesting. We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.
We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?
On to the picks!
———-
REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.
“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”
GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle. The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.
GIANTS
———-
FALCONS at COWBOYS
D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.
“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”
FALCONS
BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage. So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment. These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.
Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.
That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones. Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games. That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.
COWBOYS
———-
COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.
COLTS
BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West. Maybe Jacksonville?
Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans. Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV. Then I’m all like see ya!
COLTS
———-
RAIDERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.
“It ain’t for everyone, though.”
I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.
“Did someone say snatch?”
I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.
RAIDERS
BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.
Did someone say creepy?
RAIDERS
———-
BENGALS at RAVENS
D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.
RAVENS
BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.
BENGALS
———-
JAGUARS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.
“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Jesus Christ. Just look at that guy. I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.
And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”
PATRIOTS
By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore. When’s the last time a football column did that? And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY
Crap…Spoke too soon.
———-
SAINTS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.
SAINTS
BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career. Maybe he’s getting it? I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.
PANTHERS
———-
EAGLES at JETS
D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.
JETS
BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team? Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.
Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…
If even that well.
JETS
———-
BUCCANNERS at TEXANS
D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.
“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”
I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.
TEXANS
BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.
“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”
No, not that Outback…
Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong! Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!
So, I don’t get it. I’m going with the safe Pick.
TEXANS
———-
CHARGERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?
“I thought everyone knew that.”
It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.
CHARGERS
BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder? Pass…
CHARGERS
———-
STEELERS at RAMS
D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.
STEELERS
BMK: The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One. Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness. I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers. Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.
I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.
STEELERS
———-
NINERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.
The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game makes me nervous. Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.
The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era. I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.
Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…
49ERS
“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”
———-
BILLS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.
Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.
The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.
BILLS
BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!
The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup. Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.
Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.
DOLPHINS
———-
BEARS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.
“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”
The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.
But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children? That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!
SEAHAWKS
———-
BRONCOS at LIONS
D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.
“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”
As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.
BRONCOS
BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.
“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”
BRONCOS
———-
CHIEFS at PACKERS
D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.
“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”
The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.
PACKERS
BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.
———-
BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week? Tune in and find out.
Or just keep ignoring us. Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.
When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh? When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.
And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.
Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.
D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.
Cheers!
This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it. So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.
The Debut of 4th and Krol! Week Two Picks!
Here We Go…
BMK: Our longtime reader may have noticed a different logo this week. To him/her I say: you’re right! We’ve changed the name of the column.
There isn’t any exciting reason why we changed the name beyond the fact that the original site where NFL Tackle appeared had no real desire to keep publishing it. DT and I like writing this column and so we decided to keep working together. However, neither one of us felt comfortable keeping the NFL Tackle name so we decided to change it. See? Simple story. If only Brady had taken that approach several months ago…
Anyway, the plan is to slowly ramp up an empire that will result in DT and I being wealthy enough to buy ESPN. And while we’re executing that plan, we’ll still be writing this column, under this name, for the foreseeable future. We’re also planning a podcast to discuss the NFL week that was and any other silly thing that crosses our domes. So, if you like what we’re doing here, rest assured there will be more. If you don’t like it, then screw you.
D.T.: Well… that was a hell of a first week of football. Overall, I think we were pretty damned accurate, aside from the crazy shit that no one could have predicted. Like Marcus Mariota absolutely wrecking Tampa with only 16 passes, and Andrew Luck forgetting it was Football Day.
“Sorry, dudes… by the way, where’s Trent?”
So, while Tennessee starts building their Church of Mariota, and San Francisco pretends that Monday night’s hysterical display of ineptitude from both SF and Minnesota is proof that they’re not as bad as we thought they would be, we’re back at it!
———-
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS
D.T.: Alright, I’m officially getting nervous. Peyton played off the Broncos’ poor performance on Sunday with his usual Southern charm and sarcasm, but he’s failed to throw a touchdown pass in his last FIVE regular season games. Alex Smith, however, finally threw a touchdown pass for the first time in over a SEASON and looked pretty good doing it, overcoming Houston’s tough defense and winning by seven points.
Thursday Night Football is going to be rough on the Broncos, who are on the road in a divisional match-up just four days after their season opener. Unless Manning has worked out the kinks, this one will play out for both teams the same way their week one games did: Broncos will attempt to compensate on defense, and the Chiefs will look for ways to keep the passing streak alive. Kansas City is surprisingly hard to play in, and the Broncos always struggle there. I see the Chiefs taking it by a narrow margin.
CHIEFS
BMK: Today I have come to bury Manning, not praise him. What we’re witnessing is the slow death of one of the great ones. Unfortunately, he was cut down by physical maladies. If he wasn’t, who knows how many more years Peyton Manning could continue to lose in the post-season.
This stop on the Manning retirement tour will not go well for Denver. The dude is done,and Denver doesn’t have much besides Manning. And Talib can’t have a pick-six every game…or can he?
He can’t.
CHIEFS
I did a Google search image for Sad Peyton Manning and this came up…
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TEXANS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Last week I predicted an upset, and early on, it looked like I might have been right. But, Jaguars will be Jaguars, and the Panthers shut them down with a 20-9 win. However, Cam Newton and his lacking receiving corps are going to find themselves in a very different situation against the Texans defense. J.J. Watt came out of last week with two sacks and nine tackles. His razor-sharp focus will be solely on shutting down Cam Newton…
I mean seriously: he’s still trying to maintain eye contact. Talk about focus.
…and even Cam’s dad can’t pay his way out of this one. And with Luke Kuechly likely sidelined on Sunday, the Texans take this one.
TEXANS
BMK: A lot of the national media have picked the Panthers to win. I don’t get it. The Panthers offense is in the toilet and they’re about to face a very good front seven. Maybe it’s because the Texan’s offense is just slightly out of the toilet?
I don’t know. All I know is this will be one crappy game to watch.
See what I did there?
See?
TEXANS
———-
NINERS AT STEELERS
D.T.: During Monday night’s travesty and affront to the Football Gods, Carlos Hyde ended up looking like he was in one of those commercials where a pro athlete is goofing off with a bunch of kids. You know how football games have highlights? This one had highlight. Singular. Look at this:
Yeah, it was a sick move, but look how utterly lost everyone else on the field looks.
Niners Fans, after finishing their parking lot fights and dusting themselves off, have declared Monday night a wake-up call for the rest of the league that their funny-at-first-then-painful-to-watch offseason is a thing of the past, and they’ll be just fine. Bullshit. They’re playing an actual, honest to goodness Professional Football Team this week, and if they think Cheeseburger and Antonio Brown aren’t going to eat the SF defense alive, they’re even more delusional than we’ve been led to believe.
STEELERS
BMK: I live in the Bay Area, and my God, you should have heard the 49er fans warbling on about their victory over the Vikings. You’d think these clowns took down the 85 Bears.
Listen up Sizzle Chest: MN is a mess and had the 49ers faced a vaguely competent team, that game would have been over in the first half.
Face the facts. Your team’s flirtation with respectability is over. Get used to being in the cellar of the NFC West. Again.
STEELERS
———-
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS
D.T.: We all thought Jameis Winston – with the slightly better overall team surrounding him – would be the rookie QB to put on the better showing on Sunday. Instead, he looked rattled, ill-at-ease and defeated by the end of the day. This week, he’s visiting the Mercedez-Benz Superdome which, if it were any darker and more green would look like the fucking Matrix.
Winston is going to need night vision goggles just to overthrow his receivers.
The Saints are a decent home team, and will be looking to bounce back after losing to Arizona in week one. I say they do it.
SAINTS
BMK: Drew Brees had a decent outing last week, despite losing the game. Like DT, I think they come back and win since they’re at home and the Buccaneers aren’t good.
SAINTS
———-
LIONS AT VIKINGS
D.T.: The other half of the Worst Football Game Ever™, the Vikings get to host a divisional rival after a humiliating loss in week one. That’s like accidentally shitting your pants in school and having the only person you run into on your way to the parking lot be the school bully. Things are only going to get more shitty for the Vikings in week 2.
The Lions failed to contain the Chargers as they rallied for a comeback win, and Stafford wasn’t able to connect with an oft-double-covered Megatron. After seeing Minnesota’s display last week, I’d expect them to quadruple cover Megatron, and still allow him to break away and score. Lions get an early boost this week to help them chase the Packers in the NFC North.
LIONS
BMK: Colin Kaepernick picked apart the Vikings. Colin Freakin’ Kaepernick. Can you imagine what a good quarterback would do to that defense? Luckily you won’t have to. Just tune into this game on Sunday. Or, be like most of America, and don’t.
LIONS
———-
CARDINALS AT BEARS
D.T.: The Bears didn’t look terribly bad in week one, and actually held their own pretty well against the Green Bay Packers. They ran out of steam in the end however, and let Rodgers close out the game with a nice TD pass to Cobb and let the world know that they’ll be just fine, even without Jordy Nelson.
The Cardinals defense had a hitch in their step in week one against Drew Brees’ offense, but this week… well, we’re talking about Jay Cutler. I’d say that offense needs a real shot in the arm, but Cutler’s a notorious anti-vaxxer, so I guess they’re fucked.
Cutler: “Personal foul on D.T. for roughing the passer”
Ref: “Shut the fuck up, Jay.”
The Cardinals compensated well for losing Running Back Andre Ellington, and Carson Palmer’s offense looks sharp. Arizona’s real weakness will come from covering Martellus Bennett and while the Bears will likely look to exploit that, Arizona will come out of Chi-Town with a 2-0 record.
CARDINALS
BMK: So I picked the Cardinals and they won. For a while, it didn’t look good. We can apparently add screen passes to the list of things the Cardinals can’t defend against. That said, the Cardinals shut down the New Orleans rushing attack and did enough to Drew Brees to keep the Saints from winning. This week, they’re facing Jay Cutler, who’s not a great Quarterback. Even Geno Smith laughs at Jay Cutler (albeit, through his clenched jaw). But, the Bears have a great TE and pretty decent RB. Whether the Cardinals succeed this week will be dependent on doing what no NFL team can do anymore, which is stop a tight-end. I’m not optimistic.
But I’m not fatalistic either.
CARDINALS
———-
PATRIOTS AT BILLS
D.T.: What the fuck happened in Indy last week? I mean seriously. Are the Bills a legitimate team this year, or was it all a freak occurrence? We’ll see when they host divisional rivals the New England Patriots this Sunday. Nasty-looking defense versus an offense of… well, let’s just say questionable ethics, in a grudge match. One thing’s for sure, this division needs to be flipped upside down, and if the Bills manage to pull a win they’ll shatter the egos of Patriots fans everywhere, but do football fans in general a service by making things more interesting in that part of the country.
Nah.
“YOU MOTHERF–“
PATRIOTS
BMK:
Hey! My Man Krol’s gonna pick us, right?
No.
You bastard…
PATRIOTS
———-
CHARGERS AT BENGALS
D.T.: The Chargers rallied against the Lions in what ended up being a pretty decent game, while the Bengals humiliated the Raiders while everyone kind of shrugged and said “Yeah, and?” Still, the Chargers suffered injury to their offensive line, and the Bengals’ defense is looking pretty good. It’s a game that’s hard to get excited about unless you have a vested interest in either team, but I think one might actually turn into a tussle worth paying attention to. Bengals are decent enough at home to stick out a win here.
BENGALS
BMK: Philip Rivers vs Andy Dalton? What a snoozefest. This is the Ned Flanders of football games. Watching this game means you’re a degenerate football junkie. Betting on this game means you need help. Bad.
BENGALS
You just made some powerful enemies, Krol…
———-
TITANS AT BROWNS
D.T.: Marcus Mariota’s eventually going to come up against a worthy opponent in week 3 when he meets the Colts (though if week one for Indy was any indication, maybe not). Kid better be careful, or he’s going to get a big head, winning all these easy games early in his first year.
Johnny Manziel vs. What Cleveland Hoped Manziel Would Be.
TITANS
BMK: Before everyone jumps on the Titans bandwagon, let me remind you all that there is a reason they had the second overall draft pick last year. Football teams don’t change overnight.
So what’s going to win out here? The Titans who are still pretty bad, Mariota’s excellent game against the Buccaneers notwithstanding, or Cleveland being Cleveland. This is the irresistible suck meeting the immovable sucking.
If the Browns had Josh McCown starting I’d like their chances. Which is the first time in the history of the human race someone wrote that sentence and was sincere. Here’s another sentence no one has ever written before: Giant Antarctic penguins think Neil Peart is a pussy.
TITANS
———-
FALCONS AT GIANTS
D.T.: I sense another wacky game on the horizon. This one will play out like both teams’ week one games. A shoot-out till the end where it comes down to clock management .The Falcons succeed when it gets to that point, while Tom Coughlin’s medication starts to wear off, and he forgets where he is.
“What the fuck are you all doing on my lawn?!”
FALCONS
BMK: Matt Ryan is the vanilla ice cream of Quarterbacks: sure, it gets the job done, but are you really satisfied?
Yeah, the Falcons won on Monday and the Giants lost but who cares? Week One is almost as bad as the preseason when it comes to determining overall outcomes.
I’m taking the Giants at home. Mostly because I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to decide what to say about this game, and that’s more time than Eli Manning deserves in my beautiful mind.
GIANTS
Jerome Boger is flagging DT for using the obvious Tom Coughlin is old joke…
———-
RAMS AT REDSKINS
D.T.: The Rams and Seahawks ended up being the game I knew it would be, and a bitter fight until the end. The Rams won’t find nearly as much resistance in DC, and with Bradford out in Philly, the Rams don’t have to worry about their QB running in the exhausted quarry Dan Snyder calls a stadium, and ruining his knees again. Rams look fucking tough this year, and the Redskins look… about the same as always.
RAMS
BMK: The Rams are going to be a tough-out for anyone this year, even with Generic White Guy Foles behind center.
His a fun bit of behind the scenes trivia: I was going to Google who the Redskins starting quarterback is since I don’t know it off the top of my head, but then I realized it doesn’t fucking matter.
RAMS
———-
DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS
D.T.: Sorry, Jags. I gave you a shot last week against a team on the ropes, and you dropped the ball. Got no hope for you this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Florida is like Texas, only without all the brainiacs.
DOLPHINS
———-
RAVENS AT RAIDERS
D.T.: Fuck me, the 4:05 EST block of games on Sunday is shaping up to be a real pile of shit.
RAVENS
BMK: I picked the Raiders last week because I was seduced by the preseason. I learned my lesson.
RAVENS
———-
COWBOYS AT EAGLES
D.T.: Now we’re talkin’. The saving grace of the late afternoon Sunday games, and my personal choice for GAME OF THE WEEK. In week one, the Cowboys lost Wide Receiver Dez Bryant to a broken foot, possibly until the last few weeks of the season. Still, Romo showed a clutch display of daring and precision and led the team nearly the entire length of the field in Dallas to close out a tough game against the Giants, who forgot the fundamentals of clock management. Where that Tony Romo was the rest of the game remains a mystery.
“And then I was like, WAIT A SECOND! I KNOW HOW TO FOOTBALL!”
Sam Bradford looked okay last week against the Falcons, but the Eagles have a lot of problems to try and sort out, not least of all Kicker Cody Parkey, who seems to be struggling with the new kicking rules in the NFL. Take the easiest job in the league and make it a little more difficult, and suddenly it’s actually a challenge. The Eagles made some killer plays though, and I want to point out Kiko Alonso’s spectacular interception, because it was every bit the spectacle as OBJ’s touchdown pass, but I can’t help but think we’ll never hear about it again.
As for the outcome of this game, it’s tough to say and that’s the hallmark of a great match-up. If we see Clutch Romo come out of that tunnel and command the game like he did that final drive of week one, then it goes to the Cowboys. If we see him falter, I see the Eagles offense correcting past mistakes and securing a home win. I’ll give the Eagles the edge here.
EAGLES
BMK: To echo my comrade-in-virtual-arms, this is a good matchup. I’m not on the Eagles bandwagon, especially with Bradford as the QB.
Normally I’d go with the home team, but Romo is a far superior quarterback than Bradford, and he engineered a marvelous drive without Dez Bryant. Romo is going to pick apart the Eagles secondary and their pass rush isn’t getting past one of the best offensive lines in football.
COWBOYS
———-
SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS:
D.T.: Kam Chancellor’s hold-out continues, as Seattle moves on from their narrow divisional loss to the Rams and towards Green Bay. These two teams have had explosive, unpredictable games in recent years, and with the uncertainty surrounding both, this will be no different. With Jordy Nelson out, the Legion of Boom will have some real choices to make on who their backfield will cover, and Aaron Rodgers can use that to his advantage. The man is damn-near unstoppable in Lambeau, having not thrown an interception at home since 2012. With a reduced Seattle defense due to a certain someone’s greediness, A-Rod will look to keep that streak alive.
This is going to be a close game. It might even be a damn good game, with both of these teams coming in fairly fresh, in perfect football weather, and both with something to prove. In the end, I say Rodgers and the Packers prevail by a narrow margin.
PACKERS
BMK: This is my game of the week. I’m very interested to see how the Seahawks bounce back from their loss at St. Louis. I’m not ready to completely write off the Seahawks yet, but I do think they’ll take a step backwards this year, especially with Chancellor holding out (a situation thornier than the Cuban Missile crisis…but with much, much lower stakes).
The Rams demonstrated last week what everyone should realize by now, and that is Russell Wilson cannot beat you on his own. He needs help, and when the Rams took away Marshawn Lynch, he didn’t have that help and things got back. Now, the Rams have one of the best defensive front sevens in all of the NFL (maybe even the world!), and the Seahawks are weak up front, especially in the interior of the line. So did they lose because the Rams strength overtook Seattle’s weakness? Or is something more rotten than Soundgarden up in the Pacific Northwest? Only time—and this game—will tell.
I’m picking the Packers this week because Seattle’s secondary isn’t what it used to be and Aaron Rodgers is an amazing QB, especially at home (seriously, you should try his scones!). But I’m less confident about this pick because their defense consists of Clay Mathews and a bunch of guys. But I want to make my friend Dave Bushey happy, so I’m sticking with the Pack.
PACKERS
———-
JETS AT COLTS
D.T.: Whereas the Cowboys/Eagles game is hard to predict because both teams are decent and evenly-matched, the Jets and Colts game is hard to predict because who the fuck knows which version of these two teams will show up. The Jets destroyed the Browns last week, but y’know… big deal. I think the Colts severely underestimated the Bills and failed to adjust their gameplan. I bet they’ll spend all of this week studying the Jets’ game film, and will come prepared. If they lose to the Jets in their home opener after that awful display, there will be hell to pay for Chuck Pagano.
And I wouldn’t want this fuckin’ nutcase pissed at me.
COLTS
BMK: I think Andrew Luck is a beast, but that game last week shook my confidence in the man. That said, they bounce back this week.
COLTS
———-
D.T.: And so ends the NFL TACKLE, and so begins 4TH & KROL. The king is dead, long live the king. I feel like we’re experiencing some growth and progress, and actually getting better at this, as opposed to the Washington Redskins. I’m psyched to see how week to plays out, and where these early-emerging storylines take us in the coming weeks.
BMK: Here endeth the picks. This week has some real snoozer matchups. Next week should be better…right?
Next week, look for the debut of the 4th and Krol Podcast. DT and I will be recording it on Tuesday and hopefully we’ll have it posted somewhere on Wednesday. WATCH THIS SPACE FOR DETAILS!
Well, maybe not this space specifically, but you get what I mean.
By the way, looks who’s leading.
That’s a pretty commanding lead, aint it?
And finally…
No, this isn’t a candid shot. I keep those on my special hard drive.
This post was written and compiled listening to the Violent Femmes discography and the wailing of my teenage soul.
THUD Football Picks Week 6
Week 6
D.T.: It was a righting of the ship for a lot of teams in Week 5. The league’s top three quarterbacks were in need of making a statement, and they each did in hard-hitting fashion. Aaron Rodgers and his Green Bay Packers trounced their rival Vikings in a shockingly one-sided victory (due in part to Christian Ponder’s magnificent return as starting Minnesota Quarterback), the Broncos nearly murdered half of Arizona’s defense in a game that marked Peyton Manning’s 500th career touchdown pass, and Tom Brady’s friends all got together and threw him a party to make him feel better about himself.
The after-party got a little weird.
The good times should continue to roll for all three victorious teams, and teams that were left smarting in week five should find themselves a pick-me-up in their week six match-ups.
BMK: To be frank, this week’s slate of matchups suck. Even the degenerate gamblers are taking this week off. I mean really, does anyone care about the Jags/Titans matchup? Oh, that Broncos/Jets game ought to be a real barn burner. The Chargers/Raiders game is on? Sweet. Do you have any yard work that needs to be done?
This Sunday, go outside. Visit a friend. Start that self-portrait you’ve always wanted to paint. There is nothing compelling happening this weekend at all. Seriously kids, take this week off. I know I did.
—–
COLTS at TEXANS
D.T.: The Texans are doing so well that even Tony Romo’s feelings were hurt last week, and you’d think that guy would have developed thicker skin by now. I predicted last week that the Texans would win, and I wasn’t far off. This week, however, they’re going up against a superior Indianapolis team that might even have a better secondary.
Don’t get all defensive, J.J. Heh – defensive. Get it?
Luck needs to keep the turnovers in check, and outrun Watt. If he can do that, it shouldn’t be a terribly difficult trip into Houston.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts QB will be Lucky to get past the Texans high Wattage defense. Still, this should be a victory. But if the Colts lose, the head coach might be Pagano!
Seriously Fleed, how do you do this each post?
COLTS
—–
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again? Doesn’t it feel like these two teams have already played each other five times? Frankly, I’m looking forward to week twelve, when I don’t have to work to come up with something interesting to say about Pittsburgh. They’re the better team here — Le’Veon Bell is nigh unstoppable, and Cheeseburger’s chemistry with Antonio Brown has been off the charts.
Google told me that was the correct spelling for Roethlisberger. Who am I to argue?
I expect the momentum Pittsburgh has going now will make this rematch quite a bit different (and with a larger difference in points) this time around.
STEELERS
BMK: There are two things in this life you should never do. The first is go ass-to-mouth, and the second is pick the Browns to beat the Steelers.
STEELERS
—–
PATRIOTS at BILLS
D.T.: The Bills deserved their win in week five more than the Lions deserved their loss. Even with their quarterback woes, the Bills still continue to march and prove themselves distanced and improved from their last few seasons. They play like a team that’s been given a second chance, and none more so than Fred Jackson, who just will not slow down. That said, the Patriots have renewed their determination, and if they can keep a hold of what brought them a huge win over the previously-undefeated Bengals, it might be a painful game to watch for anyone not wearing clothing featuring the Flying Elvis Head.
One might even say Tom Brady will get a high five two weeks in a row. But one might be getting ahead of himself.
PATRIOTS
BMK: I’m not fully sold on the Patriots, but I like them enough to beat the Bills.
Oh, and anyone who thinks Tom Brady is going to play for any other team than the Patriots is crazy. Brady aint going anywhere. You can take that shit to the BANK! I know I did, and it went something like this…
Me: Brady’s not going anywhere, lady.
Teller: That might be true, but you’re still over drawn by 1.92
Me: Oh. Gimme all your money!
Teller: Sir, that’s a banana.
PATRIOTS
—–
PANTHERS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Panthers bounced back with a victory over the Bears last week, and Cincinnati’s loss to New England was a bad one – but not one that will necessarily throw off their rhythm. They’re very difficult to beat at home, and both their passing and rushing games are superior, which may leave Carolina’s struggling defense at a loss. Cam seems to be coming back into form though, and if they can keep the turnovers in check (and throw for the open receiver and not the playbook), this could turn out to be a fun Cat Game. I see the Bengals defending their home turf, though even without A.J. Green and Marvin Jones. Mohamed Sanu has proved he’s capable of filling in.
BENGALS
BMK: The Bengals are missing their playmaking receiver AJ Green, but they should still beat the Panthers at home handily. Especially since the Panthers brass are being careful with Newton. And why wouldn’t they be? He’s a precious little jewel.
BENGALS
—–
JAGUARS at TITANS
D.T.:
Stop me if these jokes get old. Which will be never.
TITANS
BMK: The Mops-Orden, or Order of the Pug was a para-Masonic society founded by Roman Catholics. It is believed that it was founded in 1740 by Klemens August of Bavaria to bypass the papal bull Eminenti Apostolatus Specula of 1738. The constitution of the Order of the Pug allowed women to become members, as long as they were Catholic. The pug was chosen as a symbol of loyalty, trustworthiness and steadiness.
Members called themselves Mops (the German for Pug), novices were initiated wearing a dog collar and had to scratch at the door to get in. The novices were blindfolded and led around a carpet with symbols on it nine times while the Pugs of the Order barked loudly to test the steadiness of the newcomers. During the initiation, the novices also had to kiss a Pug’s (porcelain) backside under its tail as an expression of total devotion. Members of the Order carried a Pug medallion made of silver. In 1745, the secrets of the order were “exposed” in a book published in Amsterdam with the title L’ordre des Franc-Maçons trahi et le Secret des Mopses révélé which included the ritual and two engravings illustrating their rite.
TITANS
—–
PACKERS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The Packers set the world on fire last week, and the Dolphins enjoyed a leisurely week after their quiet, uneventful trip to London. In a season where bye weeks are quickly amounting to shit versus advantage due to rest, I expect the Dolphins, with their hindered running game and serviceable passing game to be stomped over by a Green Bay team with a renewed sense of purpose.
“Holy shit, did you guys know I could do this? I totally forgot!”
Aaron Rodgers is bouncing back into the NFC North-dominating force we all expected him to be at the start of the season, and the rest of the team is following suit. I feel bad for the Dolphins, who are likely to come into this game soft after an easy win against Oakland, and a week of drinking shitty beer and eating food that can only be described as “grey”.
PACKERS
BMK: The Packers are going to pack the fish into…
Oh Jesus, I just can’t. Even I have limits.
PACKERS
—–
LIONS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Yet another NFC North match-up. Last week, the Lions were narrowly defeated by the Bills in what many would consider an upset, if you fail to consider that the Lions’ run game is shot, and the team still insists on rolling an injured Calvin Johnson onto the field as a “decoy”. Seriously, the guy only caught one pass last week and he was re-injured doing it. He’s likely be be riding pine against the Vikings this week. Not only that, but Running Back Jike Bell… er, Joy-kay… er…
Bjor-que Bell?
Whatever his name is will likely be out, due to a concussion. This is the Vikings chance to bounce back after their embarrassment against the Packers last week. And given that Teddy Bridgewater is very likely to return, and the team seems to rally around him, I’m willing to bet that’s what they do.
VIKINGS
BMK: The Vikings QB situation looks to become a bridge over troubled waters since Bridgewater is playing this week. Still, I like the Lions in this one.
Well what do you know? I guess I don’t have any limits after all…
LIONS
—–
BRONCOS at JETS
D.T.: As I mentioned, the Broncos could have ended the careers of more than one Cardinals defender last week, and against a Jets secondary that let the Chargers run game (of all terrible, awful run games) walk all over them last week, I expect some flat out deaths to occur on in New Jersey. The only thing saving Rex Ryan from being chased out of the stadium with pitch forks and torches is the fact that no one expects the Jets to win, anyway.
BMK:
Pictured: Jets secondary after the Broncos game.
BRONCOS
—–
RAVENS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: This isn’t a good week for football. Torrey Smith is projected to be a fantasy stud against the Buccaneers. Torrey Smith.
Not to be confused with Wayne Brady or the Black Power Ranger.
RAVENS
BMK: Another yucko match up this week. Maybe the yard needs mowing…
RAVENS
—–
CHARGERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Holy shit. Last week, I gave the Raiders the benefit of the doubt in unusual circumstances against the Dolphins, and they managed to turn themselves into an international embarrassment, instead of merely the US National Treasure they are. While San Fransisco fans are fighting each other in Levi Stadium bathrooms when their team wins, I can’t imagine Raiders fans can so much as find the enthusiasm to put on their mascara. Felipe Rios will wash over Oakland, effortlessly.
CHARGERS
BMK: There are a few things in this life I’m certain of. One, creamed corn is disgusting. Two, House of Prime Rib in San Francisco will NOT honor your reservations if you’re not wearing pants (no matter how cute your bikini briefs are), and three, that there is no way that the Raiders will beat the Chargers.
PS: If you know you’re coming to San Francisco, get reservations and eat at the House of Prime Rib. It’s awesome. AND TELL ‘EM BRYAN KROL SENT YA!
How can you resist this?
CHARGERS
—–
BEARS at FALCONS
Game of the week…I guess…
D.T.: I think this game has real potential, because it has the chance to be the most explosive of the week. Both of these teams have been on a crazy roller coaster ride, and both are due for a ramp-up. If both of these teams end up on the upswing after their recent two-loss streaks, we could be in for a really fun game.
The Bears were starting to look like a revelation in the NFC North: a team with a decent offense and a defense capable of embarrassing the Niners? Unheard of, in their division. Alas, it was too good to be true, and no one really knows where their defense found the fire fire that night, or where it’s gone since. Cutler is quietly having an excellent season, even with the lack of connections with star Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall, and has boosted Martellus Wallace into top TE status. Matt Ryan, on their good nights, is finding Julio Jones with fantastic results, and Devin Hester has made a big splash. But both teams are capable of disappointing losses and sloppy play, however. Neither of these teams have made much sense, and given that they’re both driven by decent offenses and terrible defenses, it could go either way.
A fluke turnover could easily decide the outcome, or the clock could simply run out before the next offense up has a chance to score. The Bears are a good road team, and the Falcons are best at home. The conflicting facts and statistics pile up, and that’s what makes this game interesting. Ultimately, I think the Bears are probably more hungry to turn things around, and I think they’ve got the stronger potential to do so. If plans to give Brandon Marshall more touches comes to fruition, combined with spreading the ball around and protecting Matt Forte on the rush, the Bears can take this. Krol?
BEARS
BMK: This game, DT? THIS game? I mean, sure, it’s interesting, but is either team going to win their division? Maybe Atlanta, but they’ll probably win it by default. The Bears? Who knows? The NFC North seems to be equally mediocre. Anyway, this game has some potential for some weird drama (like will Roddy White tweet something exceptionally stupid or just ordinary stupid), but I’m not sure the outcome of this game is of interest to anyone outside of Atlanta or Chicago. And who cares what people in Chicago think. Have you seen what they put on hot dogs out there? It’s a goddamn disgrace.
Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that the Falcons are going to get mauled by the Bears. Oh sure, Matty Ice will try and protect his nest, but then a giant bear will come take a crap in it. And then he’ll have to go play a whole football game. Wakka wakka.
BEARS
—–
COWBOYS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Seattle looked sloppy in Washington, and the Cowboys have looked better in the last couple of games than they have in the last couple of years. DeMarco Murray has been an absolute stud of a Running Back, and Romo has turned things around nicely since the ‘Boys suffered their week one loss to the 49ers. However, Russell Wilson continues to be remarkable, and if I were a Dallas defensive back, I’d simply get the fuck out of Marshawn Lynch’s way. I think the two of them will go to town on the Cowboys’ secondary, and the Dallas offense will struggle in the hostile environment of CenturyLink Stadium. Still, expect the Cowboys to score a few, since all they really need to do is line up Dez Bryant on the other side of the field from Richard Sherman. Can’t wait to see the twitter war those two engage in on Monday.
I spent way too long making this.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: A lot of people are coming around on the Cowboys this season. I think that’s due to the bigotry of soft expectations. Everyone assumed that they, and the entire NFC East, would suck. However, there are some good doings a –happenin’ in Dallas (EVERYONE’S talking about a girl named Debbie…). But I trust Seattle’s defense more than I trust Tony Romo. Despite his sweet sweet ribs.
Oh…Tony ROMA’s…oops.
SEAHAWKS
—–
REDSKINS at CARDINALS
D.T.: It’s probably still too early to make a call on this one. The Cardinals currently have no idea who their quarterback will be, and their defense is largely in question, due to injuries sustained against the Broncos last week. Logan Thomas showed a flash of greatness with that touchdown pass to Andre Ellington, but he’s nowhere near ready to start as an NFL quarterback, even if it’s against the Redskins. The team has to hope that Drew Stanton clears his concussion protocol, or that by some miracle, Carson Palmer is able to return. The Redskins, on the other hand, are still vulnerable against the still-standing members of the Cardinals secondary, and the Washington defense will have to content with Andre Ellington, who marched against the insane Denver defense, and will likely lead the offense this week. This will be a very low-scoring game, and the Cardinals will be looking to make a statement here at home that they’re down, but not out.
CARDINALS
BMK: Ugh. What an ugly match-up. If Carson Palmer plays, then the Cardinals should win. And they’ll have to win in a shoot-out since their front seven on defense are all 2nd string (or worse) guys. If it’s Logan Thomas, the Cardinals should lose.
I guess I’ll just continue picking against them…
REDSKINS
—–
GIANTS at EAGLES
Call me crazy, I’m picking the Giants. Eli is kinda, sorta, almost maybe getting his offense back on track and averaging 35 points over the last few games. The Eagles defense is currently scoring more points than their own offense. That alone gives me pause and makes me think that maybe the exciting story the Eagles began writing in the beginning of the season is taking a dark turn. And who the hell knows what’s going on with LeSean McCoy right now. The Eagles better be careful, or they could find themselves turning into a hot mess.
GIANTS
BMK: The Eagles will have their wings clipped this week. Ha! Get it?
Yeah, I hate me too.
GIANTS
—–
49ERS at RAMS
D.T.: It doesn’t seem like anyone really cares about this game, since tickets are going for ten fucking dollars. But, you know what?
I care.
Anyone not paying enough attention might write off the Rams in this game, but they’ve always given the 49ers trouble. In fact, the 49ers are 1-3 in their last four visits to Saint Louis. If the Rams can play solid defense, not shit the bed should they happen to find themselves in the lead, and put rumors of relocation to LA in the back of their heads, they could turn that statistic into 1-4. And wouldn’t that be a fantastic thing to see in the NFC West? The Niners are vulnerable, but it’s going to take determination and focus to pull a win.
RAMS
BMK: Thug-Lite Kaepernick will keep his Victory train rolling this week with a visit to St. Louis.
49ers
I liked my picture last week better…
This post was edited and compiled while listening to the first two Clash records. And you know what? I still don’t like them.
Week 2 Football Picks for CHUD. Sort of…
D.T.: Week One of the 2014 NFL season is now in the books. Like Jacksonville’s head-scratching pull head in the first half of their match-up with Philly, or Knowshon Moreno making Tom Brady cry into his towel, parts of the week left us amazed, thrilled and reminded us why we fight to survive the seven months of off-season. Other parts of the first week surprised no one at all, like Roger Goodell revealing yet again how incompetent he is. It’s going to be a weird, exciting, unpredictable season and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
B.Michael: Yeah, pretty much. The one thing I’ll add is the patented NFL overreaction is happening on schedule. No one should be surprised that that Seattle beat Green Bay, or that the 49ers beat Dallas. Defense has never been Green Bay’s strength and what they’re really good at – throwing the ball like crazy – is nullified by Seattle’s lock-down secondary. Seattle winning does not mean they’ll repeat this year. Same applies to the 49ers. They beat Dallas, who will likely have one of, if not the, worst defenses in the league. Everyone needs to calm down.
Except the fans in Pittsburgh. Apparently they hanged Manziel in effigy before the Browns/Steelers game. That’s awesome. I’ve never been prouder to be a former resident of Pittsburgh.
STEELERS AT RAVENS
D.T.: The Steelers head out to Baltimore for their second divisional rival game in as many weeks. They nearly blew it last week against Cleveland, letting Hoyer command the Browns towards closing the 24 point gap they created at half time, and quell demands for Manziel’s debut. Rothlisberger looked sharp, and showed he’s still able to put it in the hole from deep. Just keep it consensual and of age, Ben. I see the Steelers coming in hungry for that first win, and the Ravens continuing to be distracted by the controversy plaguing their locker room.
Referring, of course, to Poe’s racy leaked selfies.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m not sold on Pittsburgh yet. That said, I the Ravens are coming off of a short week and, um, a lot of other distractions. So I’m going with Pittsburgh too.
PS: If any of the Ravens players claim they’re playing this one for Janay, I’m taking a shotgun to the nearest road sign.
STEELERS
—-
DOLPHINS AT BILLS
D.T.: Both teams surprised everyone last week, defeating their favored opponents, and the latter pissing off 80% of survivor pool players. Tom Brady out-threw Ryan Tannehill in every area except the one that counts most, while Knowshon Moreno was a revelation, showing no fear as he marched through enemy territory. In Chicago, Running Back Fred Jackson was the hero as he stomped his way to the one yard line, and allowed for a game-winning field goal that left Bills fans with more hope than they’ve had in ages. I see the Dolphins capitalizing more on their week one victory, and riding high in a second against against the Bills
DOLPHINS
BMK: Finally these two powerhouses from the AFC East square off. I predict it’ll be bigger than the Rumble in the Jungle, World War 2, and New Coke combined. It’ll also be a victory for Buffalo, since I trust the Bills defense more than Miami’s offense. Sorry DT — YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
BILLS
—–
JAGUARS AT REDSKINS
D.T.: The Redskins came into week one even more of a mess than most expected. Like I predicted, all Houston really needed to do was what they do best, and contain Washington’s failing offense long enough for the clock to tick down. The Jaguars showed a strangely-high level of confidence in the first half of their game against the Eagles, but were quickly stomped in a second-half rally and shut-out. Call me crazy, but if the Jaguars can do what they did in that first half against a team not nearly as capable of rallying, they could take it. I’m taking the risky pick and going with Jax.
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m with you picking the Jaguars here. I, like most thinking people, was impressed with what they did against the Eagles. I don’t think Washington has it in them to rally if they get behind. My guess is that they will, and RGIII’s post-game Subway Sub will be eaten fresh…fresh with his tears.
JAGUARS
—–
COWBOYS AT TITANS
D.T.: Yet another shocker, as the Titans took down an unfocused Alex Smith and strangely absent Jamaal Charles. Was it the Titans’ game to win, or the Chiefs’ to lose? Either way, I expect the Tennessee offense who had little trouble dismantling the highly-favored Kansas City defense holding down the fort and doing the same thing to a nearly non-existent secondary visiting from Dallas. Maybe we’ll get to see another Dez Bryant meltdown.
You kinda feel sorry for them…
…and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.
TITANS
BMK: Ugh, the Cowboys. Despite how bad they are, they might actually be the second best team in the NFC East. Hopefully Romo will get over his desire to throw passes to the other team’s defensive players, but I doubt it. With their defense being a complete mess they’ll get behind early and then Romo will start throwing passes like underwear at a Ted Nugent concert: off-target and reeking of desperation.
Yeah, I don’t get it either, but I you to think of the Nuge and reeking old lady underwear. So there’s that.
TITANS
CARDINALS AT GIANTS
D.T.: Is it still considered a homer pick if there’s very little chance of your team losing? The Lions had the Giants defeated and discouraged in the 1st quarter of their week one meeting, and I just don’t think New York has an answer for what Arizona will bring. Yes, we got lucky with a one point win on Monday night, but our defense held steady against a Chargers team being called a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but Carson Palmer looked creative and inventive (two things we haven’t been able to call Eli Manning in a long time), throwing to 11 different receivers — and all of them on his team!
CARDINALS
BMK: I was at that game and I saw a lot to like about the Cardinals. But I am very concerned about their defensive front seven and Eli Manning has a habit of winning when he shouldn’t. Plus this game is on the east coast, where is has been habitually difficult for west coast teams to win.
As we established last week, God hates me. I want to pick the Cards but this has trap game written all over it. I’m taking the Giants.
GIANTS
—–
PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS
D.T.: The Patriots are coming to Minnesota with the sting of losing a season opener to a divisional rival. The Vikings invite them in after completely blowing out a broken St. Louis squad. I say the anger of being embarrassed outweighs the satisfaction and drive from stomping out a hurting team. Patriots will double their efforts and secure a 1-1 record in week 2. And I think Gronk will live to fight another day.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Week 1’s result was embarrassing for our heroes Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. I have it on good authority Tom cried himself to sleep last Sunday night…on a bed stuffed with Clevelands and being comforted by a supermodel. In short, being Tom Brady doesn’t suck, but we knew that.
This week Belichick and Brady will come up with a way to ice the Vikings. I believe in Belichick. But I also believed in Harvey Dent, sooo…
PATRIOTS
—–
SAINTS AT BROWNS
D.T.: Both teams came out of the first week with narrow losses in their division, and left both teams with the lowest defense rankings in the league. Both will be looking to prove a point, and one of them has a serious shot of looking absolutely foolish in the process. The Saints offense outranks the Browns in every way (at least until Josh Gordon is probably, maybe, most likely reinstated and can give up his career as a car salesman), and I expect them to dish out the sort of victory we grew accustomed to seeing from them in 2013. The Brows are a scrappy team, and coming from nothing with something big to prove. I kind of hope they do (and I hope Hoyer can keep demands for Manziel at bay), but I don’t think they’ll start to do that until week 3.
They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints are going to march in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!!??) to Cleveland and dismantle the Browns. If Hoyer starts really screwing up, watch for Johnny to come marching in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!??) and take over. And promptly be destroyed by Rob Ryan and his lovely silver locks.
SAINTS
—–
FALCONS AT BENGALS
D.T.: The Falcon’s narrow victory over their hated New Orleans rival landed them the top spot in league offensive rankings. Matty Ice reminded us of his reputation for being clutch in tight situations, and out threw Breesus, King of the Drews, 3-1 in touchdowns and by a margin of over 110 passing yards. Their week 2 match-up in Cincinnati might prove to be one of the more intense and interesting, as they take on Andy Dalton and A.J. Green’s pairing, capable of such feats as a 77 yard touchdown pass in fourth quarter situations. It’ll be an offensive shoot out to the end, and I see Matt Ryan out throwing Andy Dalton, even on his home turf.
FALCONS
BMK: Really DT, Breesus, King of the Drews? Oi vey that’s bad…But I can’t disagree with your analysis.
FALCONS
—–
LIONS AT PANTHERS
D.T.: A cats game! The Panthers have guaranteed the return of Cam Newton in the second week, which should help them build from the momentum of last week’s victory over the Buccaneers. I’m intrigued to see the chemistry between Kelvin Benjamin and his starting quarterback, after looking like a stud in week one with back-up Derek Anderson. Kelvin and TE Greg Olsen both look to be the weapons Cam needs for Carolina’s chance at success this season. The Lions were off to a fantastic start, with Matthew Stafford’s chemistry with unstoppable wide receiver Calvin Johnson setting the tone very quickly against the Giants last week. Will they be able to work that type of magic against the Panthers’ dominant defense? Maybe not to such a dazzling degree, but I think so.
LIONS
BMK: Cam coming back is good news…I guess. But I expect the Lions to win here. They looked pretty damn good last week against the Giants. And while the Panthers are a better team than the Giants, I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference.
And yeah, that bit of analysis came after I couldn’t come up with a pun that involved the word pussy that wasn’t base. You’re welcome.
LIONS
—–
RAMS AT BUCCANEERS
D.T.: It’s tough to view the Rams’ performance last week and maintain any sort of optimism or neutrality about their chances against Tampa Bay. Resorting to a third-string quarterback in the first half of the first game of the season, the Rams just looked lost and confused. Vikings’ rookie Running Back Cordarelle Patterson had himself a day, walking on the backs of the Rams to three touchdowns in his regular season debut, the latter of whom could only meekly answer with a pair of field goals. Tampa had their share of disappointments in week one as well, watching star Running Back (are we still calling him a star at this point?) Doug Martin terrify fans yet again by leaving the field with a quad injury, after earning a barely-worth-mentioning 9 yards rushing. Still the Rams are painfully vulnerable, and the Bucs may be poised to exploit that and earn their first W.
She only looks happy because she’s paid very little to do so.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: DT goes the extra mile here and actually offers analysis, but c’mon…it’s the Rams behind Shaun Hill. Possibly behind the dude not good enough to supplant Shaun Hill or for me to Google.
BUCCANEERS
—–
SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS
D.T.: I really only have two predictions for this game: the Seahawks will win, and Phillip Rivers will have another temper tantrum. Even though it pains me to type this next word in all caps…
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Prediction?
Pain…
SEAHAWKS
—–
TEXANS AT RAIDERS
D.T.: The only thing keeping the Raiders’ season interesting this early on is the fact that they’re playing opponents they have an ice cube’s chance in hell of beating.
Get it? Because I said “ice cube” in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that’s comedy.
Quarterback Derek Carr showed some promise, despite the Raiders being dominated by the Jets. If he can keep that focus and not be intimidated by the inevitability of J.J. Watt firmly yet tenderly putting him to bed — oh, what am I saying? It’s the Texans. The Texans will win.
TEXANS
BMK: The only hope the Raiders have here is if the Texans players take BART to the Coliseum and are stabbed on their way through the parking lot. Other than that…
TEXANS
—–
JETS AT PACKERS
D.T.: This one might actually be more interesting than people expect. Chris Johnson is a dangerous addition to the Jets running game, against a team known for their poor rushing defense. If Geno can work some magic in the air while Johnson and Ivory hold the ground game, the Jets could actually have a shot here. Still, the Pack needs to save face after the terrible loss they were handed by the last team to come over for a visit. I think I have to go with the safe choice and call on the Packers to win it. But I still really think this could be one of the more interesting Sunday games.
PACKERS
BMK: I was surprised at how well the Jets ran the ball last week. But the Jets secondary are the Oakland Raiders of secondaries. Rodgers will carve them up faster than Fat Rex used to carve up a ham.
—–
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS
D.T.: Denver’s first divisional match-up comes up as a home game against a rival that fell apart in week one. The last time these two teams crossed paths was in noisy Arrowhead Stadium against a Kansas City team running at full steam. Playing at home against the Broncos is a very different environment, however — just as the Colts, as they were dealt a defeat as revenge for what happened the last time they hosted Denver. If Alex Smith can get his head on straight and the Chiefs can get Jamaal Charles involved, they’ll become a force yet again. But Denver is looking to secure the comfort of a 2-0 record while they’re at home, and I don’t think Peyton will settle for anything less.
BRONCOS
BMK: It’s the regular season, so Peyton’s going to win. It’s just that simple. This year, he’s a man on a mission. When the playoffs come around though…
Bryan felt bad about his “analysis” for this game, but she thinks he’s tops.
—–
BEARS at 49ERS
D.T.: The 49ers offense had their way with Dallas last week, while the Bears defense couldn’t quite contain the Bills’ middling offense. In a clear-cut case of offense versus defense, I see the Bears giving it their all, but falling short of stopping a San Francisco offense that’s squirrely and hard to get a lock on. Measuring defense versus defense, the 49ers sacked Romo three times and enjoyed four forced turn-overs, while Chicago’s defense gave up nearly 200 rushing yards against the Bills running game. Advantage going into week two, and a win? It’s the 49ers.
49ERS
BMK: Last week, I expected the 49ers to win. They’re not a bad team by any stretch and even though I think Kaepernick is a tool, he plays behind a great offensive line and Dallas is a bad team, so he did his normal Kaepernick thing (medium range throws, 200 yards). I’m hoping that Chicago will actually give the 49ers a challenge. But as I stated before: God hates me.
49e…..ugh…I just can’t.
—–
EAGLES AT COLTS
D.T.: Wrapping up the week is a true Monday night shootout between Nick Foles and Andrew Luck. The Eagles might have an advantage with LeSean McCoy leading their rushing game against an Indy defense that allowed first-time starter Monte Ball over 60 yards and a touchdown. They’ll have significantly higher difficulty in containing Shady, but may get lucky if Nick Foles continues his streak of turnovers. It’ll be an exciting end to the week, seeing both teams try to systematically pick at each others weaknesses. Even though they have a running game that Bryan and I could fill in for and probably gain more yards, I have an inkling that Luck with lead the team to a win in the comfort of Lucas Oil Stadium.
COLTS
BMK: I’m picking the Colts here as well since they’re at home. Henne dropped nearly 300 yards and 2 TDs on the Eagles in week 1, so I’m pretty sure Luck will have no problem handling the Eagles defense.
COLTS
Note: This post was assembled listening the the Dandy Warhols’s first record. Bryan was surprised at its quality. Check it out.
Ruminations, etc.. 