Posts Tagged ‘Gronk’
4th and Krol: Week 17! The Final Picks Column for the ’15-’16 Season!
Week 17: Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?
D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…
Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016
Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015
Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015
Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016
Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015
Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015
Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!
BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!
———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!
Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.
JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.
———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS
———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS
———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS
———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.
“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”
I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.
GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!
“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”
GIANTS
———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…
REDSKINS
———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.
“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”
Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?
TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.
“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”
Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS
———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!
“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”
“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”
BENGALS
———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.
“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”
STEELERS
———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS
———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?
“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”
———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.
“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?“
BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.
BRONCOS
———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER
———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.
You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.
I’d like to see a convincing Cardinals win here. Russell Wilson is still dangerous as hell, but that offensive line is in shambles, and the Cardinals can solidify their identity once and for all. And I think Bruce Arians is the type of guy to play at full steam and insist on making that statement.
CARDINALS
BMK: *pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries….*
SEAHAWKS
———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?
“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!”
RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS
———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.
BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.
Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.
The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.
Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.
Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.
And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.
“
This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...
4th Krol: Week Fifteen Picks!
Week 15: I’ve done this column so many times, I’m no longer green.
D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.
“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”
Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!
BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!” Now we’re getting something else.
One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.
From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.
And Ms. Dennings, of course…
One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…
———-
BUCCANEERS at RAMS
D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.
BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game. Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!
Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…
RAMS
———-
JETS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.
Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.
JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.
Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…
———-
PANTHERS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.
“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”
Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.
PANTHERS
BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week. Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it. I’m picking the Giants this week.
SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!
Eli aint even buying this pick…
GIANTS
———-
TITANS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Fuck off.
PATRIOTS
BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.
PATRIOTS
“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”
———-
BILLS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.
“Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff.”
BILLS
BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.
I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!
BILLS
———-
CHIEFS at RAVENS
The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.
CHIEFS
BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.
CHIEFS
———-
TEXANS at COLTS
D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.
“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”
TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse. How, I don’t know.
TEXANS
———-
FALCONS at JAGUARS
D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.
JAGUARS
BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field. Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.
Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.
This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.
JAGUARS
———-
BEARS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously? Bears AND Vikings playing with each other? That makes my black heart grow three sizes.
The Vikings will win. Mostly because they’ll have swords.
I had dreams like this during puberty.
VIKINGS
———-
PACKERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.
Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.
This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.
PACKERS
BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.
Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.
RAIDERS
———-
BROWNS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.
SEAHAWKS
———-
BENGALS at NINERS
D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.
He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.
And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.
NINERS
BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.
NINERS
———-
DOLPHINS at CHARGERS
Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.
Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.
BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh? Fine.
CHICAGO BULLS
“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”
———-
BRONCOS at STEELERS
D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.
“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”
Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.
Ugh… STEELERS
BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses. I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.
I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?
STEELERs
———-
CARDINALS at EAGLES
D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.
And likely the Gatorade, too.
Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.
CARDINALS
BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week. Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.
CARDINALS
———-
LIONS at SAINTS
D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.
SAINTS
BMK: Forget it.
SAINTS
———-
D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.
Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).
BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.
And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…
4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!
Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.
D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.
BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?
———-
EAGLES at LIONS
D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.
“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”
Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.
Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.
EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia. This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.
I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.
Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.
EAGLES
———-
PANTHERS at COWBOYS
D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.
Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.
PANTHERS
BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.
This dude’s adorable…
Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.
In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…
COWBOYS
———-
BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.
The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.
PACKERS
BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.
To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay? Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.
Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.
PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats. I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.
Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!
———-
SAINTS at TEXANS
D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.
Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.
TEXANS
BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.
I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day. Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.
Of COURSE I went for the pug.
TEXANS
———-
RAMS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.
Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.
Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!
BENGALS
BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.
Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.
BENGALS
Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!
———-
VIKINGS at FALCONS
D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.
Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!
VIKINGS
BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.
Remember this clown?
The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.
VIKINGS
I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!
———-
GIANTS at REDSKINS
D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.
The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?
GIANTS
BMK: Who gives a shit?
This guy is much cooler than you.
GIANTS
———-
BUCCANEERS at COLTS
D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.
Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!
BUCCANEERS
BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.
Actually, Brooke is super cute.
BUCCANEERS
———-
BILLS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.
Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!
CHIEFS
BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos. But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.
CHIEFS
———-
RAIDERS at TITANS
D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.
Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!
RAIDERS
BMK: Who cares? Well, we all know who cares…
He cares.
RAIDERS
This guy, however, does NOT care.
———-
CHARGERS at JAGUARS
D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.
Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally, Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!
I feel so bad for this dog.
JAGUARS
———-
DOLPHINS at JETS
D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.
Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!
JETS
BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.
Which is why he’s winning.
Double your fun!
DOLPHINS
———-
CARDINALS at NINERS
D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.
Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!
CARDINALS
BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.
First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…
Yep…Blaine Gabbert.
Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.
CARDINALS
Draw me like your French girls…
———-
STEELERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.
Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.
SEATTLE
BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack. Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset. Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…
I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…
STEELERS
———-
PATRIOTS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.
Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!
PATRIOTS
BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.
But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?
Right?
Finally getting along…
BRONCOS
Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader. I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.
That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.
———-
RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.
…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.
I am so thankful.
BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup. Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit? This is just embarrassing, NFL.
You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...
And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.
“Really, Krol?”
—————–
D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).
BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.
See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.
Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.
Smart AND sexy
This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.
4th and Krol: Week Eight!
Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…
D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…
“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”
We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.
BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week. But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I. Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!
———-
DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:
“¡Yo soy orgía!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.
PATRIOTS
———-
LIONS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.
CHIEFS
BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!
CHIEFS
———-
BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:
D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.
FALCONS
BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary. There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on. They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league. Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…
Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.
FALCONS
———-
CARDINALS at BROWNS
D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.
ARIZONA
BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.
Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.
ARIZONA
———-
NINERS at RAMS
D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.
“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”
Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.
“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”
Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.
RAMS
BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.
Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.
Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.
RAMS
———-
GIANTS at SAINTS
D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…
…you have to go with Nawlins.
SAINTS
BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants. PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!
“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”
GIANTS
———-
VIKINGS at BEARS
D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.
VIKINGS
BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.
“Stop. Just stop.”
Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.
BEARS
———-
CHARGERS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.
“Oh, really?”
All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.
RAVENS
BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything. Except moving to LA.
I sure as hell did, Gosling.
RAVENS
———-
BENGALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.
“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”
BENGALS
BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?
“Uh, what?”
Yes.
BENGALS
———-
TITANS at TEXANS
D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.
TITANS
BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.
Wait, no I’m not.
TITANS
———-
JETS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.
JETS
BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…
JETS
———-
SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.
“No, you wouldn’t.”
Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle. Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.
“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”
SEAHAWKS
———-
PACKERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?
Oh, right.
This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?
The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.
GREEN BAY
BMK: This is a fantastic game. I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.
By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…
GREEN BAY
———-
COLTS at PANTHERS:
D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.
This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.
PANTHERS
BMK: This is an interesting game? Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT. There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…
“Whatever…”
I guess you’re right. This is it.
PANTHER
———-
D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!
BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes. What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!
What? You expected something else? Have you been paying attention?
Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…
“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”
This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.
4th and Krol Picks: Week 3
Week Three!
D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?
“Yeah, bitches!”
So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!
BMK: Week Three is interesting. We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.
We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?
On to the picks!
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REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.
“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”
GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle. The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.
GIANTS
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FALCONS at COWBOYS
D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.
“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”
FALCONS
BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage. So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment. These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.
Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.
That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones. Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games. That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.
COWBOYS
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COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.
COLTS
BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West. Maybe Jacksonville?
Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans. Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV. Then I’m all like see ya!
COLTS
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RAIDERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.
“It ain’t for everyone, though.”
I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.
“Did someone say snatch?”
I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.
RAIDERS
BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.
Did someone say creepy?
RAIDERS
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BENGALS at RAVENS
D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.
RAVENS
BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.
BENGALS
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JAGUARS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.
“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Jesus Christ. Just look at that guy. I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.
And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”
PATRIOTS
By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore. When’s the last time a football column did that? And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY
Crap…Spoke too soon.
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SAINTS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.
SAINTS
BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career. Maybe he’s getting it? I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.
PANTHERS
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EAGLES at JETS
D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.
JETS
BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team? Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.
Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…
If even that well.
JETS
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BUCCANNERS at TEXANS
D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.
“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”
I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.
TEXANS
BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.
“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”
No, not that Outback…
Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong! Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!
So, I don’t get it. I’m going with the safe Pick.
TEXANS
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CHARGERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?
“I thought everyone knew that.”
It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.
CHARGERS
BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder? Pass…
CHARGERS
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STEELERS at RAMS
D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.
STEELERS
BMK: The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One. Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness. I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers. Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.
I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.
STEELERS
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NINERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.
The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game makes me nervous. Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.
The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era. I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.
Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…
49ERS
“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”
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BILLS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.
Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.
The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.
BILLS
BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!
The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup. Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.
Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.
DOLPHINS
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BEARS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.
“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”
The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.
But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children? That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!
SEAHAWKS
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BRONCOS at LIONS
D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.
“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”
As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.
BRONCOS
BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.
“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”
BRONCOS
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CHIEFS at PACKERS
D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.
“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”
The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.
PACKERS
BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.
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BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week? Tune in and find out.
Or just keep ignoring us. Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.
When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh? When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.
And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.
Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.
D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.
Cheers!
This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it. So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.
Ruminations, etc.. 