Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…

We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.

BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week.  But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I.  Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!

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DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:

PATRIOTS

BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.

PATRIOTS

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LIONS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.

CHIEFS

BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!

CHIEFS
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BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:

D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary.  There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on.  They have the 5^th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4^th ranked pass offense in the league.  Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2^nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…

FALCONS

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CARDINALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.

ARIZONA

BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.

Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.

ARIZONA

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NINERS at RAMS

D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.

Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.

Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.

 

RAMS

BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.

Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.

Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.

RAMS
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GIANTS at SAINTS

D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…

…you have to go with Nawlins.

SAINTS

BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants.  PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!

GIANTS

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VIKINGS at BEARS

D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.

VIKINGS

BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.

Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.

BEARS
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CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.

All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.

RAVENS

 

BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything.  Except moving to LA.

RAVENS

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BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.

BENGALS

BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?

Yes.

BENGALS

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TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.

TITANS

BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.

Wait, no I’m not.

TITANS

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JETS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.

JETS

BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning  around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…

JETS

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SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.

 

SEAHAWKS

BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.

Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle.  Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.

SEAHAWKS

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PACKERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?

This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?

The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.

GREEN BAY

BMK: This is a fantastic game.  I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.

By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…

GREEN BAY

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COLTS at PANTHERS:

D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.

This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.

PANTHERS

BMK: This is an interesting game?  Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT.  There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…

I guess you’re right. This is it.

PANTHER
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D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!

 

BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes.  What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!

What? You expected something else?  Have you been paying attention?

Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…

This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.