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4th and Krol: Week 17! The Final Picks Column for the ’15-’16 Season!

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Week 17:  Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

Week 17: Would this be better if I were Ben Vereen?

D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…

Pagano

Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016

Kelly

Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015

Whis

Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015

Pettine

Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016

Philbin

Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015

Ryan

Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015

Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!

BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!

Shame

———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!

Yep, that's honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.

———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS

———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS

———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS

———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.

"I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway."

“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”

I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.

GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!

"That's it DT, you're being ejected for making obvious jokes."

“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”

GIANTS

———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…

He cares.

REDSKINS

———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.

"...shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y."

“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”

Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?

TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.

"Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol..."

“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”

Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS

———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!

 

"You know nothing, Bryan Krol."

“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”

"Really? Crap, I just bought a house..."

“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”

BENGALS

———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.

"Where's the craps table?"

“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”

STEELERS

———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS

———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?

"...and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!"

“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”

———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.

"Hey, out of all the teams that'll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?"

“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?

BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.

BRONCOS

———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER

———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.

You don't do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

I’d like to see a convincing Cardinals win here. Russell Wilson is still dangerous as hell, but that offensive line is in shambles, and the Cardinals can solidify their identity once and for all. And I think Bruce Arians is the type of guy to play at full steam and insist on making that statement.
CARDINALS
BMK: *pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries pleasenoinjuries….*
SEAHAWKS

———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?

"Why? I'll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!"

“Why? I’ll tell you why! Because of my AWESOME facial hair, ya dweeb!”

RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS

———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.

BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.

Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.

The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.

Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.

And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.

ed5e0302da32664085b6c5ee0cde8c86 Kat

I had dreams like this during puberty.

Kat Dennings 02

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

full-kat-dennings-4400af1757fa4d19e6b546338944204d-smaller-109284

"Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?"

"Nanobubbles, you say?"

"I CARE about Philip Rivers!"

"No you're not Kat...Nobody likes Tomsula."

15a4fd07421a476a706cc6a48de25bf9e9e985cd59084cb7c91374499446aae7

"I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo's system, but you wouldn't stop staring and drooling."

"Whatever..."

"No, you wouldn't."

Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn't call her...

"Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life."

"Wait...Krol's actually using analysis?"

This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...

 

4th Krol: Week Fifteen Picks!

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Week 15:  I've done this column so many times, I'm no longer green.

Week 15: I’ve done this column so many times, I’m no longer green.

D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.

"Actually, I'm the last surviving alum for the past 20 years."

“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”

Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!

BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!”  Now we’re getting something else.

One of the best episodes ever...and now I want ribs.

One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.

From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.

And Ms. Dennings, of course…

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…

———-

BUCCANEERS at RAMS

D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.

BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game.  Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters...

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…

RAMS

———-

JETS at COWBOYS

D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.

 

Can't wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

 

JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here...

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…

———-

PANTHERS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.

"First time ever being called 'monstrous' - alright!"

“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”

 
Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.

PANTHERS

BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week.  Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it.  I’m picking the Giants this week.

SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!

Eli aint even buying this pick...

Eli aint even buying this pick…

GIANTS

———-

TITANS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fuck off.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.

PATRIOTS

"I've killed THIS many Asian hookers today..."

“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”

———-

BILLS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.

 

"Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff."

“Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff.”

 

BILLS

BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.

I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!

BILLS

———-

CHIEFS at RAVENS

The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.

CHIEFS

BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.

This meme makes me laugh.

CHIEFS

———-

TEXANS at COLTS

D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.

 

"Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!"

“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”

 

TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse.  How, I don’t know.

TEXANS
———-

FALCONS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.

JAGUARS

BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field.  Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.

Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.

This came up when I Googled "Home Depot Sucks." I like it. It adds a bit of class.

This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.

JAGUARS

———-

BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.

VIKINGS

BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously?  Bears AND Vikings playing with each other?  That makes my black heart grow three sizes.

The Vikings will win.  Mostly because they’ll have swords.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

VIKINGS

———-

PACKERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.

 

Here's Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.

PACKERS

BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.

Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.

RAIDERS

———-

BROWNS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BENGALS at NINERS

D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.

 

He'd cry, if he had a soul... but, y'know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.

NINERS

BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.

NINERS

———-

DOLPHINS at CHARGERS

Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.

Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.

BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh?  Fine.

CHICAGO BULLS

“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”

———-

BRONCOS at STEELERS

D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.

 

"I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?"

“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”

Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.

Ugh… STEELERS

BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses.  I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.

I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?

STEELERs

———-

CARDINALS at EAGLES

D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.

 

And likely the Gatorade, too.

And likely the Gatorade, too.

Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.

CARDINALS

BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week.  Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.

CARDINALS

———-

LIONS at SAINTS

D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.

SAINTS

BMK: Forget it.

SAINTS

———-

D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.

Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).

 

BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat

 

4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!

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Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

"Wait... I thought we were supposed to throw the women."

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I'm thankful for you.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia.  This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Eagles dog, I'm thankful for you!

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I'm thankful for you.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude's adorable...

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here's this...

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don't have cheerleaders, so here's Kloi again. I'm very thankful for her.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay?  Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats.  I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I'm thankful for you. And you.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.

TEXANS

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day.  Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I'm thankful for you!

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously...this dude looks like Dexter.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I'm thankful for you!

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I'm fierce! Like Bridgewater!

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don't have cheerleaders either, so here's Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos.  But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares?  Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

This guy, however, does NOT care.


———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I'm thankful for YOU!

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally,  Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I'm VERY thankful for you!

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep...Blaine Gabbert.

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls...

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I'm... I just... damn, girl.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack.  Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset.  Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie's people need to get with it...

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along...

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader.  I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful.

BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup.  Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit?  This is just embarrassing, NFL.

You'd think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.

"Really, Krol?"

“Really, Krol?”

—————–

 

D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).

 

BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.

See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.

Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Smart AND sexy

Smart AND sexy

This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.

 

4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!

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Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…

Good day

And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!

BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in.  Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.

On to the picks!

———-

BROWNS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.

BENGALS

BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above.  But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.

"You're just mad cause I got Kat Dennings's phone number..."

“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”

BENGALS

———-

PACKERS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.

"About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry."

About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.

I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.

PACKERS

BMK: That Monday night game was interesting.  It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!

Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.

"Yeah? Least I got a job Krol...wait, hold on, Irsay's on the phone..."

“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”

Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.

PACKERS

———-

REDSKINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Spoilers.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.

You guys remember V?  That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it.  What if the Nazis were aliens.”

And on that day, V was born.

Oh, yeah. The pick…

PATRIOTS

———-

TITANS at SAINTS

D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.

SAINTS

BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt's aged pretty well. Mostly.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.

"Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night."

“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at BILLS

D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.

"Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it's only practice."

“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”

I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.

DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills.  Just to spite DT.

BILLS
———-

RAMS at VIKINGS

D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…

"Come on, man. Like you've never brutally beaten a child before."

“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”

…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.

RAMS

BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.

Anyway…

The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.

The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.

RAMS

———-

JAGUARS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.

JETS

BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.

Ed...take a break, broham.

Ed…take a break, broham.

JETS

———-

RAIDERS at STEELERS

D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.

"...yeah, probably."

“…yeah, probably.”

Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.

RAIDERS

BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game.  Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.

And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…

STEELERS

———-

GIANTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.

"Yeah, well, you're a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!"

“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”

The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.

BUCS

BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.

Isn't he dreamy?

Awww…

GIANTS

———-

FALCONS at NINERS

D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.

"Oh, hey... uh... sorry about that thing I said about your face."

“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”

FALCONS

BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.

I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.

FALCONS

———-

BRONCOS at COLTS

D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.

"Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning... hey, have you been working out?"

“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”

This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.

BRONCOS

BMK: Is Peyton Manning done?  Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.

Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve.  Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.

That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.

BRONCOS

———-

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.

EAGLES

BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.

It’ll be Niffleheim.

EAGLES

———-

BEARS at CHARGERS

D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).

"Well, D.T.'s definitely goin' somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks."

“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”

I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.

CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win?  Tune in and find out!

BEARS
———-

D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.

Ain't gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!

 

BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.

And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.

Thanks for reading and listening.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

 

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…

 

This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.

4th and Krol: Week Eight!

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Week Eight: It's not too late...unless you're the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay...

Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…

D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…

"D.T., it's Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in."

“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”

We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.

BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week.  But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I.  Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!

———-

DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:

"¡Yo soy orgía!"

“¡Yo soy orgía!”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.

PATRIOTS

———-

LIONS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.

CHIEFS

BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!

CHIEFS
———-

BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:

D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary.  There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on.  They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league.  Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

FALCONS

———-

CARDINALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.

ARIZONA

BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.

Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.

ARIZONA

———-

NINERS at RAMS

D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.

"Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good."

“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”

Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.

"I'll have those fingers, if he doesn't want 'em."

“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”

Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.

 

RAMS

BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.

Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.

Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.

RAMS
———-

GIANTS at SAINTS

D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…

…you have to go with Nawlins.

SAINTS

BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants.  PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!

"Yeah! You tell 'em Krol!"

“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”

GIANTS

———-

VIKINGS at BEARS

D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.

VIKINGS

BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.

"Stop. Just stop."

“Stop. Just stop.”

Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.

BEARS
———-

CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.

"Oh, really?"

“Oh, really?”

All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.

RAVENS

 

BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything.  Except moving to LA.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

RAVENS

———-

 

BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.

"Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!"

“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”

BENGALS

BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?

"Uh, what?"

“Uh, what?”

Yes.

BENGALS

———-

TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.

TITANS

BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.

Wait, no I’m not.

TITANS

———-

JETS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.

JETS

BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning  around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…

JETS

———-

SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.

Cheerleaders 2

 

Cheerleaders 1

SEAHAWKS

BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.

"No, you wouldn't."

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle.  Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.

"I sure did. And you didn't stop me."

“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”

SEAHAWKS

———-

PACKERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?

The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.

GREEN BAY

BMK: This is a fantastic game.  I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.

By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…

GREEN BAY

———-

COLTS at PANTHERS:

D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.

This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.

PANTHERS

BMK: This is an interesting game?  Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT.  There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…

"Whatever..."

“Whatever…”

I guess you’re right. This is it.

PANTHER
———-

D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!

 

BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes.  What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!

What? You expected something else?  Have you been paying attention?

Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…

"This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers."

“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”

This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.

4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five

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Week Five: So ALIVE! Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy...

Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…

D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.

Batman

ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.

This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is.  That guy really grinds my gears.

Anyway…on to the picks!

———-

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.

A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.

COLTS

BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.

Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.

TEXANS

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud, but who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead.

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…

Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…

———-

BEARS at CHIEFS

D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.

CHIEFS

BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs.  They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage.  Even with Jay Cutler.

CHIEFS

———-

SEAHAWKS at BENGALS

D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.

Nah, it's cool bro! I've got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It's called morphine!

Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!

Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.

BENGALS

BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh?  Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule.  And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:

  • You’re an idiot
  • I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!

The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh!  Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes.  Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.

I hope it’s this Sunday.

BENGALS

Pictured: The Author

Pictured: The Author

———-

REDSKINS at FALCONS

D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.

FALCONS

BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.

Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.

FALCONS

———-

JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.

BUCCANEERS

BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.

JAGUARS

———-

SAINTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.

SAINTS

BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).

This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year.  But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).

So where am I going with this?  Shut up, that’s where!

SAINTS

———-

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.

"I ain't sayin' the mofucka's dead, but... mofucka's dead."

“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”

The Ravens will win, by the way.

RAVENS

BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…

RAVENS

———-

RAMS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.

"It was like prom, all over again."

“It was like prom, all over again.”

I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.

PACKERS

BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else.  Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.

The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable.  But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game.   The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.

RAMS
———-

BILLS at TITANS

D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).

"Actually D.T., we're running on pure fuck you."

“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”

They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.

BILLS

BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?

That’s all I got for this game.

BILLS

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

———-

CARDINALS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.

CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination.  But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.

Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.

PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.

PATRIOTS
———-

BRONCOS at RAIDERS

D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.

Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.

Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…

“Don’t, Krol.”

“Don’t, Krol.”

Okay, okay…

BRONCOS

———-

NINERS at GIANTS

D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he'll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.

GIANTS

BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating.  Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.

GIANTS

———-

STEELERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.

"..."

“…”

The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.

Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.

BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.

—–

D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.

 

"It's super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!"

“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”

BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…

 

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.

Inaugural 4th And Krol Podcast

with one comment

DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns.  Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones.  And DT too, I guess.

It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…

Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator.  This should be fixed now.  Enjoy!

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 9, 2015 at 10:04 pm

The Debut of 4th and Krol! Week Two Picks!

with one comment

Here We Go...

Here We Go…

BMK: Our longtime reader may have noticed a different logo this week.  To him/her I say: you’re right! We’ve changed the name of the column.

There isn’t any exciting reason why we changed the name beyond the fact that the original site where NFL Tackle appeared had no real desire to keep publishing it.  DT and I like writing this column and so we decided to keep working together. However, neither one of us felt comfortable keeping the NFL Tackle name so we decided to change it.  See? Simple story.  If only Brady had taken that approach several months ago…

Anyway, the plan is to slowly ramp up an empire that will result in DT and I being wealthy enough to buy ESPN.  And while we’re executing that plan, we’ll still be writing this column, under this name, for the foreseeable future. We’re also planning a podcast to discuss the NFL week that was and any other silly thing that crosses our domes.  So, if you like what we’re doing here, rest assured there will be more. If you don’t like it, then screw you.

D.T.: Well… that was a hell of a first week of football. Overall, I think we were pretty damned accurate, aside from the crazy shit that no one could have predicted. Like Marcus Mariota absolutely wrecking Tampa with only 16 passes, and Andrew Luck forgetting it was Football Day.

 

"Sorry, dudes... by the way, where's Trent?"

“Sorry, dudes… by the way, where’s Trent?”

So, while Tennessee starts building their Church of Mariota, and San Francisco pretends that Monday night’s hysterical display of ineptitude from both SF and Minnesota is proof that they’re not as bad as we thought they would be, we’re back at it!

———-

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS

D.T.: Alright, I’m officially getting nervous. Peyton played off the Broncos’ poor performance on Sunday with his usual Southern charm and sarcasm, but he’s failed to throw a touchdown pass in his last FIVE regular season games. Alex Smith, however, finally threw a touchdown pass for the first time in over a SEASON and looked pretty good doing it, overcoming Houston’s tough defense and winning by seven points.

Thursday Night Football is going to be rough on the Broncos, who are on the road in a divisional match-up just four days after their season opener. Unless Manning has worked out the kinks, this one will play out for both teams the same way their week one games did: Broncos will attempt to compensate on defense, and the Chiefs will look for ways to keep the passing streak alive. Kansas City is surprisingly hard to play in, and the Broncos always struggle there. I see the Chiefs taking it by a narrow margin.

CHIEFS

BMK: Today I have come to bury Manning, not praise him.  What we’re witnessing is the slow death of one of the great ones. Unfortunately, he was cut down by physical maladies.  If he wasn’t, who knows how many more years Peyton Manning could continue to lose in the post-season.

This stop on the Manning retirement tour will not go well for Denver. The dude is done,and Denver doesn’t have much besides Manning.  And Talib can’t have a pick-six every game…or can he?

He can’t.

CHIEFS

I did a Google search image for Sad Peyton and this came up...

I did a Google search image for Sad Peyton Manning and this came up…

———-

TEXANS at PANTHERS

D.T.: Last week I predicted an upset, and early on, it looked like I might have been right. But, Jaguars will be Jaguars, and the Panthers shut them down with a 20-9 win. However, Cam Newton and his lacking receiving corps are going to find themselves in a very different situation against the Texans defense. J.J. Watt came out of last week with two sacks and nine tackles. His razor-sharp focus will be solely on shutting down Cam Newton…

I mean seriously: he's still trying to maintain eye contact. Talk about focus.

I mean seriously: he’s still trying to maintain eye contact. Talk about focus.

…and even Cam’s dad can’t pay his way out of this one. And with Luke Kuechly likely sidelined on Sunday, the Texans take this one.

TEXANS

BMK: A lot of the national media have picked the Panthers to win.  I don’t get it. The Panthers offense is in the toilet and they’re about to face a very good front seven.  Maybe it’s because the Texan’s offense is just slightly out of the toilet?

I don’t know. All I know is this will be one crappy game to watch.

See what I did there?

See?

TEXANS
———-

NINERS AT STEELERS

D.T.: During Monday night’s travesty and affront to the Football Gods, Carlos Hyde ended up looking like he was in one of those commercials where a pro athlete is goofing off with a bunch of kids. You know how football games have highlights? This one had highlight. Singular. Look at this:

Yeah, it was a sick move, but look how utterly lost everyone else on the field looks

Yeah, it was a sick move, but look how utterly lost everyone else on the field looks.

Niners Fans, after finishing their parking lot fights and dusting themselves off, have declared Monday night a wake-up call for the rest of the league that their funny-at-first-then-painful-to-watch offseason is a thing of the past, and they’ll be just fine. Bullshit. They’re playing an actual, honest to goodness Professional Football Team this week, and if they think Cheeseburger and Antonio Brown aren’t going to eat the SF defense alive, they’re even more delusional than we’ve been led to believe.

STEELERS

BMK: I live in the Bay Area, and my God, you should have heard the 49er fans warbling on about their victory over the Vikings.  You’d think these clowns took down the 85 Bears.

Listen up Sizzle Chest: MN is a mess and had the 49ers faced a vaguely competent team, that game would have been over in the first half.

Face the facts.  Your team’s flirtation with respectability is over. Get used to being in the cellar of the NFC West. Again.

STEELERS

———-

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS

D.T.: We all thought Jameis Winston – with the slightly better overall team surrounding him – would be the rookie QB to put on the better showing on Sunday. Instead, he looked rattled, ill-at-ease and defeated by the end of the day. This week, he’s visiting the Mercedez-Benz Superdome which, if it were any darker and more green would look like the fucking Matrix.

Winston is going to need night vision goggles just to overthrow his receivers.

Winston is going to need night vision goggles just to overthrow his receivers.

The Saints are a decent home team, and will be looking to bounce back after losing to Arizona in week one. I say they do it.

SAINTS
BMK: Drew Brees had a decent outing last week, despite losing the game. Like DT, I think they come back and win since they’re at home and the Buccaneers aren’t good.

SAINTS
———-

LIONS AT VIKINGS

D.T.: The other half of the Worst Football Game Ever™, the Vikings get to host a divisional rival after a humiliating loss in week one. That’s like accidentally shitting your pants in school and having the only person you run into on your way to the parking lot be the school bully. Things are only going to get more shitty for the Vikings in week 2.

The Lions failed to contain the Chargers as they rallied for a comeback win, and Stafford wasn’t able to connect with an oft-double-covered Megatron. After seeing Minnesota’s display last week, I’d expect them to quadruple cover Megatron, and still allow him to break away and score. Lions get an early boost this week to help them chase the Packers in the NFC North.

LIONS
BMK: Colin Kaepernick picked apart the Vikings. Colin Freakin’ Kaepernick.  Can you imagine what a good quarterback would do to that defense?  Luckily you won’t have to. Just tune into this game on Sunday. Or, be like most of America, and don’t.

LIONS
———-

CARDINALS AT BEARS

D.T.: The Bears didn’t look terribly bad in week one, and actually held their own pretty well against the Green Bay Packers. They ran out of steam in the end however, and let Rodgers close out the game with a nice TD pass to Cobb and let the world know that they’ll be just fine, even without Jordy Nelson.

The Cardinals defense had a hitch in their step in week one against Drew Brees’ offense, but this week… well, we’re talking about Jay Cutler. I’d say that offense needs a real shot in the arm, but Cutler’s a notorious anti-vaxxer, so I guess they’re fucked.

Cutler: "Personal foul on D.T. for roughing the passer" Ref: "Shut the fuck up, Jay."

Cutler: “Personal foul on D.T. for roughing the passer”
Ref: “Shut the fuck up, Jay.”

The Cardinals compensated well for losing Running Back Andre Ellington, and Carson Palmer’s offense looks sharp. Arizona’s real weakness will come from covering Martellus Bennett and while the Bears will likely look to exploit that, Arizona will come out of Chi-Town with a 2-0 record.

CARDINALS

BMK: So I picked the Cardinals and they won. For a while, it didn’t look good. We can apparently add screen passes to the list of things the Cardinals can’t defend against.  That said, the Cardinals shut down the New Orleans rushing attack and did enough to Drew Brees to keep the Saints from winning.  This week, they’re facing Jay Cutler, who’s not a great Quarterback. Even Geno Smith laughs at Jay Cutler (albeit, through his clenched jaw). But, the Bears have a great TE and pretty decent RB. Whether the Cardinals succeed this week will be dependent on doing what no NFL team can do anymore, which is stop a tight-end.  I’m not optimistic.

But I’m not fatalistic either.

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS AT BILLS

D.T.: What the fuck happened in Indy last week? I mean seriously. Are the Bills a legitimate team this year, or was it all a freak occurrence? We’ll see when they host divisional rivals the New England Patriots this Sunday. Nasty-looking defense versus an offense of… well, let’s just say questionable ethics, in a grudge match. One thing’s for sure, this division needs to be flipped upside down, and if the Bills manage to pull a win they’ll shatter the egos of Patriots fans everywhere, but do football fans in general a service by making things more interesting in that part of the country.

"Is he gonna do it? Is D.T. gonna pick us to win...?"

Nah.

"YOU MOTHERF--"

“YOU MOTHERF–“

PATRIOTS

BMK:

Hey...My Man Krol's gonna pick us, right?

Hey! My Man Krol’s gonna pick us, right?

No.

You bastard...

You bastard…

PATRIOTS

———-

CHARGERS AT BENGALS

D.T.: The Chargers rallied against the Lions in what ended up being a pretty decent game, while the Bengals humiliated the Raiders while everyone kind of shrugged and said “Yeah, and?” Still, the Chargers suffered injury to their offensive line, and the Bengals’ defense is looking pretty good. It’s a game that’s hard to get excited about unless you have a vested interest in either team, but I think one might actually turn into a tussle worth paying attention to. Bengals are decent enough at home to stick out a win here.

BENGALS

BMK: Philip Rivers vs Andy Dalton? What a snoozefest.  This is the Ned Flanders of football games. Watching this game means you’re a degenerate football junkie. Betting on this game means you need help. Bad.

BENGALS

 

You're Gonna Get Diddly Yours Krol...

        You just made some powerful enemies, Krol…

———-

TITANS AT BROWNS

D.T.: Marcus Mariota’s eventually going to come up against a worthy opponent in week 3 when he meets the Colts (though if week one for Indy was any indication, maybe not). Kid better be careful, or he’s going to get a big head, winning all these easy games early in his first year.

Johnny Manziel vs. What Cleveland Hoped Manziel Would Be.

 

TITANS

BMK: Before everyone jumps on the Titans bandwagon, let me remind you all that there is a reason they had the second overall draft pick last year.  Football teams don’t change overnight.

So what’s going to win out here?  The Titans who are still pretty bad, Mariota’s excellent game against the Buccaneers notwithstanding, or Cleveland being Cleveland. This is the irresistible suck meeting the immovable sucking.
If the Browns had Josh McCown starting I’d like their chances.  Which is the first time in the history of the human race someone wrote that sentence and was sincere.  Here’s another sentence no one has ever written before: Giant Antarctic penguins think Neil Peart is a pussy.

TITANS
———-

FALCONS AT GIANTS

D.T.: I sense another wacky game on the horizon. This one will play out like both teams’ week one games. A shoot-out till the end where it comes down to clock management .The Falcons succeed when it gets to that point, while Tom Coughlin’s medication starts to wear off, and he forgets where he is.

"What the fuck are you all doing on my lawn?!"

“What the fuck are you all doing on my lawn?!”

FALCONS
BMK: Matt Ryan is the vanilla ice cream of Quarterbacks: sure, it gets the job done, but are you really satisfied?

Yeah, the Falcons won on Monday and the Giants lost but who cares? Week One is almost as bad as the preseason when it comes to determining overall outcomes.

I’m taking the Giants at home.  Mostly because I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to decide what to say about this game, and that’s more time than Eli Manning deserves in my beautiful mind.

GIANTS

Jerome Boger is flagging DT for using the obvious Tom Coughlin is old joke...

Jerome Boger is flagging DT for using the obvious Tom Coughlin is old joke…

———-

RAMS AT REDSKINS

D.T.: The Rams and Seahawks ended up being the game I knew it would be, and a bitter fight until the end. The Rams won’t find nearly as much resistance in DC, and with Bradford out in Philly, the Rams don’t have to worry about their QB running in the exhausted quarry Dan Snyder calls a stadium, and ruining his knees again. Rams look fucking tough this year, and the Redskins look… about the same as always.

RAMS

BMK: The Rams are going to be a tough-out for anyone this year, even with Generic White Guy Foles behind center.

His a fun bit of behind the scenes trivia: I was going to Google who the Redskins starting quarterback is since I don’t know it off the top of my head, but then I realized it doesn’t fucking matter.

RAMS

———-

DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS

D.T.: Sorry, Jags. I gave you a shot last week against a team on the ropes, and you dropped the ball. Got no hope for you this week.

DOLPHINS

BMK: Florida is like Texas, only without all the brainiacs.

DOLPHINS

———-

RAVENS AT RAIDERS

D.T.: Fuck me, the 4:05 EST block of games on Sunday is shaping up to be a real pile of shit.

RAVENS

BMK: I picked the Raiders last week because I was seduced by the preseason.  I learned my lesson.

RAVENS

———-

COWBOYS AT EAGLES

D.T.: Now we’re talkin’. The saving grace of the late afternoon Sunday games, and my personal choice for GAME OF THE WEEK. In week one, the Cowboys lost Wide Receiver Dez Bryant to a broken foot, possibly until the last few weeks of the season. Still, Romo showed a clutch display of daring and precision and led the team nearly the entire length of the field in Dallas to close out a tough game against the Giants, who forgot the fundamentals of clock management. Where that Tony Romo was the rest of the game remains a mystery.

"And then I was like, WAIT A SECOND! I KNOW HOW TO FOOTBALL!"

“And then I was like, WAIT A SECOND! I KNOW HOW TO FOOTBALL!”

Sam Bradford looked okay last week against the Falcons, but the Eagles have a lot of problems to try and sort out, not least of all Kicker Cody Parkey, who seems to be struggling with the new kicking rules in the NFL. Take the easiest job in the league and make it a little more difficult, and suddenly it’s actually a challenge. The Eagles made some killer plays though, and I want to point out Kiko Alonso’s spectacular interception, because it was every bit the spectacle as OBJ’s touchdown pass, but I can’t help but think we’ll never hear about it again.

Eagles

As for the outcome of this game, it’s tough to say and that’s the hallmark of a great match-up. If we see Clutch Romo come out of that tunnel and command the game like he did that final drive of week one, then it goes to the Cowboys. If we see him falter, I see the Eagles offense correcting past mistakes and securing a home win. I’ll give the Eagles the edge here.

EAGLES
BMK: To echo my comrade-in-virtual-arms, this is a good matchup.  I’m not on the Eagles bandwagon, especially with Bradford as the QB.

Normally I’d go with the home team, but Romo is a far superior quarterback than Bradford, and he engineered a marvelous drive without Dez Bryant. Romo is going to pick apart the Eagles secondary and their pass rush isn’t getting past one of the best offensive lines in football.

COWBOYS
———-

SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS:

D.T.: Kam Chancellor’s hold-out continues, as Seattle moves on from their narrow divisional loss to the Rams and towards Green Bay. These two teams have had explosive, unpredictable games in recent years, and with the uncertainty surrounding both, this will be no different. With Jordy Nelson out, the Legion of Boom will have some real choices to make on who their backfield will cover, and Aaron Rodgers can use that to his advantage. The man is damn-near unstoppable in Lambeau, having not thrown an interception at home since 2012. With a reduced Seattle defense due to a certain someone’s greediness, A-Rod will look to keep that streak alive.

This is going to be a close game. It might even be a damn good game, with both of these teams coming in fairly fresh, in perfect football weather, and both with something to prove. In the end, I say Rodgers and the Packers prevail by a narrow margin.

PACKERS

 

BMK: This is my game of the week.  I’m very interested to see how the Seahawks bounce back from their loss at St. Louis. I’m not ready to completely write off the Seahawks yet, but I do think they’ll take a step backwards this year, especially with Chancellor holding out (a situation thornier than the Cuban Missile crisis…but with much, much lower stakes).

 

The Rams demonstrated last week what everyone should realize by now, and that is Russell Wilson cannot beat you on his own. He needs help, and when the Rams took away Marshawn Lynch, he didn’t have that help and things got back. Now, the Rams have one of the best defensive front sevens in all of the NFL (maybe even the world!), and the Seahawks are weak up front, especially in the interior of the line. So did they lose because the Rams strength overtook Seattle’s weakness? Or is something more rotten than Soundgarden up in the Pacific Northwest?  Only time—and this game—will tell.

 

I’m picking the Packers this week because Seattle’s secondary isn’t what it used to be and Aaron Rodgers is an amazing QB, especially at home (seriously, you should try his scones!). But I’m less confident about this pick because their defense consists of Clay Mathews and a bunch of guys. But I want to make my friend Dave Bushey happy, so I’m sticking with the Pack.

 

PACKERS

———-

JETS AT COLTS

D.T.: Whereas the Cowboys/Eagles game is hard to predict because both teams are decent and evenly-matched, the Jets and Colts game is hard to predict because who the fuck knows which version of these two teams will show up. The Jets destroyed the Browns last week, but y’know… big deal. I think the Colts severely underestimated the Bills and failed to adjust their gameplan. I bet they’ll spend all of this week studying the Jets’ game film, and will come prepared. If they lose to the Jets in their home opener after that awful display, there will be hell to pay for Chuck Pagano.

And I wouldn't want this fuckin' nutcase pissed at me.

And I wouldn’t want this fuckin’ nutcase pissed at me.

COLTS

BMK: I think Andrew Luck is a beast, but that game last week shook my confidence in the man. That said, they bounce back this week.

COLTS

———-

D.T.: And so ends the NFL TACKLE, and so begins 4TH & KROL. The king is dead, long live the king. I feel like we’re experiencing some growth and progress, and actually getting better at this, as opposed to the Washington Redskins. I’m psyched to see how week to plays out, and where these early-emerging storylines take us in the coming weeks.

BMK: Here endeth the picks. This week has some real snoozer matchups. Next week should be better…right?

Next week, look for the debut of the 4th and Krol Podcast.  DT and I will be recording it on Tuesday and hopefully we’ll have it posted somewhere on Wednesday. WATCH THIS SPACE FOR DETAILS!

Well, maybe not this space specifically, but you get what I mean.

By the way, looks who’s leading.

That's a pretty commanding lead, aint it?

That’s a pretty commanding lead, aint it?

And finally…

No, this isn't a candid shot. I keep those on my special hard drive.

No, this isn’t a candid shot. I keep those on my special hard drive.

 

This post was written and compiled listening to the Violent Femmes discography and the wailing of my teenage soul.

Written by B. Michael Krol

September 18, 2015 at 9:14 pm

NFL Picks: The Final Week

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Week 17,  looks like I picked the wrong week to quit methamphetamine.

Week 17, looks like I picked the wrong week to quit methamphetamine.

D.T.: We come to it at last… the final week, and one giant divisional blow-out to end the 2014-15 NFL regulation season. By the time all six of our readers are taking a gander at this final regular season column, they’ll have gained five pounds from pies, fudge, glazed ham and…

 

"Yamps! Sweet po-tay-to yamps...!"

“Yamps! Sweet po-tay-to yamps…!”

 

 

Gifts will be returned or exchanged. A few head coaches will be returned or exchanged. We’ll all be settled in for one last semi-glorious overdose of all our favorite teams’ back-ups locked into sloppy divisional match-ups for one last day of excuses why it’s okay to drink at 11am.

 

Or in Ryan Lindley's case, as soon as the alarm goes off.

Or in Ryan Lindley’s case, as soon as the alarm goes off.

 

It’s gonna be a weird day of football that probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than the NFC South. Shall we kick this mother off, Krol?

BMK:  Yes lets.  This week features some hot, division-on-division action. A couple of the games actually mean something, even!

And DT, it’s always okay to drink at 11am.  That’s what Chuck Bukowski did, and who can argue with Bukowski?

Seriously, look at this dude...

Seriously, look at this dude…

—–

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Browns are completely out of playoff contention, while the Ravens have a chance at landing the sixth seed. What they definitely need to accomplish is a victory over the Browns (which is entirely plausible, and my prediction for the outcome — spoiler alert!) and for the Chiefs to beat or tie with the Chargers… which could be a little more difficult. The Browns are back to Hoyer the Destroyer to try and force an upset, but I don’t think it’ll happen. The Ravens have a lot on the line, they’re playing at home for a place in the post-season, and they’ll come into this game looking for blood.

RAVENS

BMK: Yeah, the Browns don’t stand a chance here.  I wish the Browns could have done something this year after their promising start.  Oh well.  Like Browns fans always say: maybe next year.

I do think it’s funny that after drafting Johnny Football the team is reportedly exploring all options at quarterback.  Imagine that. A kid with very few NFL quality football skills and a work ethic worse than mine isn’t making it at the next level of professional sports. Let’s be blunt: Manziel has all the charm and personality of the average tubesteak, but that’s not what really burns my ass about him. No, it’s the fact that, when it comes to Manziel, I actually agree with Merrill Hoge. I see eye-to-eye with Merrill’s analysis of Manziel and his game and that bothers me more than I care to admit.

Suggs scares the stuffing out of me.

Suggs scares the stuffing out of me.

Anyway, later Browns. You were good while you lasted.

RAVENS

—–

COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The ‘Boys have all but secured the number three seed in the NFC playoff picture, and have knocked off all three of their division rivals. I know how everyone in DC had Christmas dreams of seeing RGIII play in the post season, but sorry, Skins fans: there’s no Santa.

 

 

"What about Hanukkah? Do we still have a chance there?"

“What about Hanukkah? Do we still have a chance there?”

 

Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin get one more go-round on the worst field in the league, before their uncertain futures are decided in the coming off-season. Expect the ‘Boys to rest their starters, and for those starters to enjoy a nice victory over a crushed team.

COWBOYS

BMK: I’m pulling for the Cowboys in the post-season this year, since I don’t want Seattle to win another Superbowl and the only way to beat them is with a strong running game, which the Cowboys have.  Hopefully they can knock out Seattle in time to get beat later in the post-season, since the only outcome worse than a Seahawks Superbowl is a Jerreh Superbowl.  Either way, the Cowboys’s job is done for the regular season. Time to give Romo a rest.

The Redskins…man, what a dysfunctional franchise.  The next question is who goes first: Gruden or Griffin?  I’m thinking Snyder sides with his QB and ships Gruden off to the Isle of Misfit Coaches (San Diego).  After that, RGIII gets another year and another coach to kill and then he’s off to be a career backup somewhere (not Arizona, please not Arizona).

This game also gives me an opportunity to use one of my favorite graphics from DT...

This game also gives me an opportunity to use one of my favorite graphics from DT…

COWBOYS

—–

COLTS at TITANS

D.T.: What the fuck happened to Andrew Luck last week? Heading into the last stretch of the season, he’s been in a bit of a slump, but their match-up against the Cowboys was ridiculous. He played like the Quarterback version of Trent Richardson.

 

"Football! Come back, football!"

“Football! Come back, football!”

It’s staggering just how much of the Colts’ success is placed on Luck’s shoulders, and how horribly the team falls apart if he has a bad day. Still, the Colts locked up an easy division and they’re headed for the fourth seed in the AFC. Expect Luck to play a quarter at most, and a game more than worth skipping. Honestly, the 2-13 Titans should just stay home, too.

COLTS

BMK:  Really DT?  It’s surprising to you how much the Colt’s success is dependent on Luck? This team was a perennial powerhouse when Manning was in charge, then went 1-15 the year Manning was out, after which it became a powerhouse again after Luck was drafted.  That pretty much spells QB dependent to me.

COLTS

—–

SAINTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The car-crash of a division that no one but those directly involved in care about, but none of us on the outside can look away from. Once again, first place in the division has changed hands — this time to the Panthers. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons are all locked up at 6 wins, with the Panthers ahead by an inch because of that tie with the Bengals. It’s incredible that such an anomaly has had this big of an impact on their division. At any rate, both the Saints and Bucs are out of the post-season running, so here’s another game that no one other than die-hards and coaching staffs will be watching.

 

"Fuck that. I'm finally going to get caught up on Breaking Bad!"

“Fuck that. I’m finally going to get caught up on Breaking Bad!”

The winners in this game are the Saints, for finally being put out of their misery.

SAINTS

BMK: I’m going with the Bucs here. I’m behind in picks so I need to start doubling down and winning big.  Don’t let me down, Lovie.

BUCS

—–

EAGLES at GIANTS

D.T.: Eli Manning’s crowning achievements have been finding a wide receiver who won’t drop his passes, and Peyton Manning throwing more career interceptions than him.

 

"Hey, Pey."

“Hey, Pey.”

 

"Hi, 'Li."

“Hi, ‘Li.”

 

"Just wanted to let you know that you can suck it. I have two rings and fewer INTs now."

“Just wanted to let you know that you can suck it. I have two rings and fewer INTs now.”

 

"That's nice, Eli."

“That’s nice, Eli.”

 

"And also, I'm Dad's favorite now. So, go Omaha yourself."

“And also, I’m Dad’s favorite now. So, go Omaha yourself.”

 

"Eli, that doesn't even --"

“Eli, that doesn’t even –“

 

"Cooper is and always will be my favorite son."

“Cooper is and always will be my favorite son.”

 

"..."

“…”

 

 

"..."

“…”

 

 

"Merry Christmas, fuckheads."

“Merry Christmas, fuckheads.”

EAGLES

BMK: Is the Sanchise still playing? Or have they gone over to Foles? I guess I can google it…Oh well, F it.

EAGLES

—–

BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: The Patriots have clinched the division and secured home field advantage for the playoffs. Which means they’re likely to be the team representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. The Bills and Dolphins had a nice season too, though, with the Fins likely to eek their way above .500, and the Bills… well, it’s a significant accomplishment for them to have reached 8-8. Maybe the Patriots will be cordial and sit their starters and let the Bills finish with a winning record.

"Or how about not."

“Or how about not.”

PATRIOTS

BMK: This ought to be a barn burner.

PATRIOTS

—–

JAGUARS at TEXANS

D.T.: Believe it or not, the Texans actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of making the playoffs. If that snowball was really, really big and dense, and Satan was kind enough to turn down the heat for a little while.

 

"Or how about not."

“Or how about not.”

 

They pretty much have to win their next game (likely), the Chargers have to beat the Chiefs (possible) and the Browns have to beat the Ravens (nope) for them to be gifted a sixth seed spot in the post-season. That’s way too many variables to fall into place, but stranger things happen. sadly, we’re probably looking at two teams with no real shot at the playoffs instead of just one. Still, the Texans get to go out with a winning record, and a triumphant home game to end on.

TEXANS

BMK: A lot of people think hell is hot. It’s not. It’s cold and snowy. Like Buffalo in the winter.  Anyway, the Texans will win this game, JJ Watt will not win the MVP, and the Jaguars will stink again next year.  You can take these predictions to the bank. Though I’m not sure why the bank would care…

TEXANS

—–

CHARGERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chargers have a chance to land the sixth seed, and their fate is their own to control. With no stipulations coming from other teams, all they need to do is beat the Chiefs at home. Which lands their chances at about 50-50, really. Divisional games are always wacky, and Arrowhead is a tough place to play. The Chiefs are looking to play the spoiler here and ruin Philip Rivers’ New Year. But, I have to say, I think Phil is hungry for a post-season appearance, and he’ll pull out all the stops to achieve it.

CHARGERS

BMK: Alex Smith isn’t playing this game since he has a lacerated spleen.  That sounds painful. And gross. But I think the Chargers will win this game since they’re be facing the dude not good enough to beat Alex Smith out of a starting job. Which is as pathetic as it sounds.

CHARGERS

—–

JETS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: It’s Rex Ryan’s going away party, and they’re having it in sunny Miami! There are worse places to walk into, knowing you’ll be fired.

RGIII

 

 

The Jets will put up a fight, as they’re known to do in AFC East games, but it’s the Fins last hurrah in a winning season that – by their standards – isn’t too shabby.

DOLPHINS

BMK: I heard a report this morning that Rex Ryan is already cleaning out his office, and that everyone’s assuming GM Idzik is getting fired too.

I sort of feel bad for Rex Ryan.  Yeah, he’s a blowhard with a foot fetish, but these last couple of seasons humbled him a bit.  I’m thinking he’ll still be a good head coach somewhere (SF?), but it’s probably time to leave the Jets for greener (har har) pastures.
I don’t know anything about Idzik at all. Except that he can’t pick a QB.

DOLPHINs

—–

BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: The NFC North belongs to the Packers and Lions, with those two teams battling it out for the division championship. Meanwhile, the Bears and Vikings are also playing a game. Merely out of formality and contracts and stuff, I guess. The Bears are all out gas, and the Vikings will end the season with a losing record, but not in last place in their division. Which, much as it is in the NFC South, is a victory in itself.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m so mad at the Bears.  I really wanted them to have a good year since that Brandon Marshall kid is so charming on Inside the NFL.  But they beat the 49ers a while back, so that’s all that matters.

VIKINGS

—–

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: The Broncos are headed to the playoffs, and the Raiders get news that they’re staying. They just can’t fucking win, can they?

 

Cheer up, dude. There's always nex--well, maybe not. You're pretty well fucked.

Cheer up, dude. There’s always nex–well, maybe not. You’re pretty well fucked.

BRONCOS

BMK: The Raiders are staying for 2015. They can still – oh, yeah, they’re fucked.

—–

CARDINALS at 49ERS

D.T.: Ryan Lindley showed us that Whisenhunt wasn’t 100% to blame for the utter failure of the Cardinals’ 2012 season. Keeping his not-a-single-touchdown-thrown streak alive, and likely to maintain that record for whatever’s left of his NFL career, he’ll likely be benched in favor of rookie Logan Thomas. The Cardinals had a meteoric rise this season, but they’ve come back down to Earth hard and fast. They’re still playoff-bound, regardless of the outcome of this game, but I don’t expect any more wins out of the injury-devastated team.

NINERS

BMK: This game – and all its implications — is too depressing to talk about.

Pictured: Harbaugh's meeting with Trent Baalke after the season ends.

Pictured: Harbaugh’s meeting with Trent Baalke after the season ends.

NINERS

—–

LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Finally, a game that means something. These two teams are tied up for the division lead, with the winners looking to enjoy a chance at the number two seed, and the losers dropping down to battle it out for the wildcard spot. Looking at the slump these two teams have been in the last couple of weeks, it’s tough to pick a clear winner.

 

 

"Oh, I think there's a clear winner. You don't see Stafford hanging out with Dana Carvey, do you?"

“Oh, I think there’s a clear winner. You don’t see Stafford hanging out with Dana Carvey, do you?”

I’ll trust that Aaron Rodgers brings his A-game this time around, knowing exactly what’s on the line, and knowing that he’s up against a dangerous Lions defense. But, if Matty Stafford can figure his shit out and come to play as well, we could be looking at a fun divisional shoot-out, and the best game of the week.

PACKERS

BMK: This definitely is the game of the week (are we still doing those?) for all the reasons DT mentioned. This is the kind of game that the NFL had in mind when it started scheduling all division game late in the season, not that Buccaneers/Saints dreck that those poor people in Tampa Bay will be forced to watch.

I’m hoping the Lions win this one since I don’t think Green Bay is built for a deep playoff run.  Yeah, Aaron Rodgers can play lights out, but their defense leaks like an Adult Baby’s Diaper. The Pack will never beat Seattle with that defense (or with that attitude!), so it’s best just to get Green Bay fans’s inevitable disappointment out of the way early.

LIONS

—–

RAMS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: The Seahawks keep showing us that in a battle of stout defenses, it’s the team with the offensive edge that will win. Such will be the case here. If Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch’s current hot streaks aren’t enough to convince, consider the fact that winning this game lands them the division title, and they’re playing at home. You made us proud with your scrappy refusal to give up, Rams, but here’s where your heart-warming story comes to a close. Here’s to next year.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This game is like the recent Hobbit sequel: it’s long, it’s unnecessary, and the outcome doesn’t change anything for anyone.  One question though: when will the Rams figure out Jeff Fisher aint a good coach?

SEAHAWKS

—–

PANTHERS at FALCONS

D.T.: Whoever wins this game wins the division and hosts a game in the playoffs. So, what we’re basically looking at is the opportunity for a team to win a fucking mess of a division, then lose at home in the first round of the playoffs. Might as well be the Falcons, I guess, because I don’t think Cam Newton’s going to get it done.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m going with the Panthers here.  Mostly because I’m hoping against hope that the Cardinals face them in the first round and maybe get a win.

PANTHERS

—–

BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Both of these teams are headed for the playoffs, and the Bengals likely to yet another first-round elimination. Anything can happen in the NFL (and sometimes does), but they’re a team of such highs and lows and that doesn’t cut it when you’ve reached the highest level of competition in arguably the most physically competitive professional sport. The Steelers will find a way to win at home, clinch the division and move up into the number three seed in the AFC.

BMK: Oh Andy Dalton…you’ve burned me so many times before this year…but not as bad as you burned the Brown family with your contract. Hiyo.

Anyway, these two teams are going to the playoffs but neither will go very far. The AFC belongs to the Patriots. And to Jesus. But mostly to the Patriots.

—–

DT: And that’s that. As we move on to the playoffs portion of the article, I’d like to thank those of you who’ve been reading all season (hey dad), and thank my esteemed and hilarious partner, Krol, for inviting me on board to knock this bad boy out each week. It’s been a privilege being your personal suicide hotline during each Cardinals game, and spending Sundays laughing like idiots at things Colt McCoy’s neck problems.

Oh, and I’m totally ahead in picks again, but we’re having a moment, so I won’t gloat.

 

BMK: Thanks to all the readers and thanks to DT. This column could be done without DT, but it would suck.  So a very public thank you to a guy that’s been my huckleberry these past 17+ weeks.

Also, thank you to Nick Nunziata. We couldn’t of done this – oh, wait.  We did.

Anyway, this has been a lot of fun. Especially when we took cheap shots at people and teams we don’t like.  Which is pretty much everyone. So ha-ha. SUCK IT BUFFALO!

Finally, some pictures of the Goddess herself…

Kat 2 Kat

Even she gets distracted by how heavenly she is...

Kat

 

 

Thanks again...it's been a blast.

Thanks again…it’s been a blast.

 

DTs victory should come with an asterisk.

DTs victory should come with an asterisk.

This post was edited and compiled while listening to Spotify’s Deep Thinking Playlist and your mother telling me she told me so…

Written by B. Michael Krol

December 27, 2014 at 7:35 pm

Posted in CHUD Football Picks

Tagged with ,

THUD Week 8

leave a comment »

Week 8

Week 8

D.T.: We’ve reached Week Eight of regulation. Are you feeling the fatigue yet, Krol? The Seahawks sure are. Completely (and rightfully) dissatisfied with being 3-3 for the season, and third in their division after a huge upset loss against the Rams, they’re growing restless. In perhaps the most dramatic story of last week, they’ve jettisoned problematic Wide Receiver Percy Harvin in an attempt to clear out any negative vibes and try to get the ‘Hawks back on track. Receiving the wayward runner is a desperate Rex Ryan, who’s looking for any way to claw the Jets out of their 1-6 hole, and save himself from receiving something else:

 

An unemployment check.

An unemployment check.

The week saw other significant happenings, including a massive regression for the Bengals, DeMarco Murray achieving his seventh consecutive game with more than 100 yards rushing, and one of the Manning brothers broke the all-time record for career touchdowns. I forget which one. It’ll come to me, I’m sure.

Anyway, we’re looking at another week of pretty terrible football (seriously, who planned out the schedule this year?). Let’s get try to make this a bright spot in a questionable point in the season.

 

BMK: Goddamn, am I feeling the fatigue.  And it’s not this week’s schedule, mate, it’s the teams playing it.

The problem here is there are no clearly elite teams. Every team has some kind of major weakness that can be exploited. And while that can be fun seeing if an average or below-average team can slay a giant (a la last week’s Rams-Seahawks game), it makes for some really mediocre football in most cases.  And to paraphrase Learned Hand, mediocre football teams make for mediocre football columns.

Seriously, which teams have a legitimate shot of making a 13-3 record? The Broncos?  Maybe.  But that’s about it.  We’re looking at a season like 2002.  That season was great for parity, but not good for anything else.

Finally, I’d like to paraphrase something Jerry Jones said: “Enough of this horseshit! Let’s do some blow and make some football picks!!!!”*

—–

CHARGERS at BRONCOS

The Bolo vs The Pizza Shill

The Bolo vs The Pizza Shill

D.T.: Holy shit, a Thursday Night Football game that won’t leave me preferring an hour of XBox and going to bed early? Sorry, dear readers (Hi dad), you’re getting the Broncos for game of the week, twice in a row. It’s not only the most interesting game this week, it’s also one of the most critical in shaping the rest of the season. Both the Broncos and Chargers are sitting on five wins, and if both teams continue on at this pace, it’s these divisional games that will decide their post-season fates.

Both Quarterbacks are pumping out touchdowns like they’re going out of style, both suffer from hindered running games, and both are sporting solid defenses. Denver and San Diego are going to be lobbing passes like they’re locked in a naval battle, and it’ll come down to who can disrupt the other team’s Quarterback. The Chargers have an excellent pass defense, holding opposing offenses to an average of about 210 passing yards per game (Manning is averaging 308 per game), but Peyton’s receiver corps is a bear to try and cover. On the flip side, Felipe Rios is tossing for about 280 yards per game, and the Denver secondary is really tearing it up. I think San Diego will find the end zone more than once, but Denver playing at home two weeks in a row, appearing to let nothing stand in their way this far, will take the win.

BRONCOS

BMK: I like the Broncos in this one too. And I’d also like to extend a greeting to DT’s Dad.  I’d also like to respectfully disagree about San Diego’s defense.  San Diego has good stats, but consider who they’ve played.

Right now San Diego has five wins.  Which is pretty good.  However, four of those victories came from beating the Raiders, Bills, Jaguars, and the Jets.  Not exactly powerhouse teams.  Yes, they beat Seattle.  But they’ve been dining out on that victory for weeks now.  At some point, the Chargers need to move on and beat a worthy opponent and stop living in the past like Uncle Rico, or your older brother who’s been bragging about banging a stripper for the last two decades.

So, end result, I like Denver, and I don’t think it’ll be as competitive as some people (cough, DT, cough) believe.

—–

LIONS at FALCONS

D.T.: The Falcons have the dubious honor of “hosting” the Lions in London this week, which means all the British folks who pretended to like the Raiders in September, because they didn’t know any better, will now have the ability to pretend to like an actual NFL team. Like many Raiders fans here in America!

The Black Hole of Despair

The Black Hole of Despair

 

 

The Lions are still without Megatron, but have regained Reggie Bush to maybe bolster their abysmal run game. So, it’s left to Quarterback Matthew Stafford to lead the offense, and hope the solid Detroit defense can hold up against Matt Ryan as he fights for his life behind a terrible offensive line. A win would really benefit Atlanta right now,  but even with Matt Ryan’s passing offense being in the league’s current top five, I don’t expect them to pull it out.

LIONS

BMK:  Ugh, the Falcons are terrible.  Suh is going to clog up the middle like my arteries after a visit to Philly.  This is going to be a bad, bad game. Or, as our cousins across the pond might say, a right cock-up.  It’ll totally be pants, mate.  Matty Ice will come to grief.

LIONS

—–

VIKINGS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: You wake up early for the Lions and Falcons game, then wonder how much of the Bears/Patriots game you’ll really be missing if you decide to go back to bed. Sunday football peaks with Thursday night, and this match-up between the Vikes and Bucs (two teams with fantastic branding and stunning cheerleaders, wasted on awful products) marks the first in many terrible games coming our way. You know what, let’s get back to the cheerleaders. We haven’t done cheerleaders in a while, Krol. Let’s just do cheerleaders.

Vike Cheer tex cheer buc cheer 2 Buc Cheer

 

 

 

 

 

BUCCANEERS, I guess.

BMK: I predict the Buccaneers will suck less than the Vikings this week.

BUCCANEERS

—–

BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I’ve been inclined to take the Bills up to this point, but with nothing but third string running backs available after last week, and Kyle Orton directing the passing game to compensate, they’re in for a bumpy ride the next few weeks. This is a real chance for the Jets to actually win a game.

JETS

BMK: The Jets are a complete mess but the Bills are worse, especially without their first two running backs.  So, since someone has to win this game…

JETS

—–

BEARS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: A somewhat decent defense against an offense that’s really coming together. The Bears still have yet to win at home, and last week they were bested by Ryan Tannehill and the Dolphins, which sent the locker room into a fit of rage. They’re looking to rebound against New England, who themselves were thrown off-kilter by the Jets in a strange divisional match last week. Like I said before, for whatever reason, the Bears tend to struggle whenever Jay Cutler throws an interception, and the Patriots passing defense is currently the tops in the league.

 

 

No one will get this joke. And I'm okay with that.

No one will get this joke. And I’m okay with that.

The Bears are angry, and it’s going to be easy for the Patriots to get inside their heads. Gronkowski is especially likely to draw some unsportmanlike penalties out of the Bears, to the Pats’ benefit. I expect some physicality in this game, and I expect Cutler to try and get creative to evade any turnovers, but I think the Pats will win out in the end.

PATRIOTS

BMK: DT’s right, these bears are angry, and they’re on the road this week.  Which is where the Chicago bears play their best ball.  I’m going with Chicago in an upset this week.  And you should too.  In fact, you can take this prediction to the bank.

—–

SEAHAWKS at PANTHERS

D.T.: Hoo-boy, do the Seahawks need to turn things around quickly. Football is an emotional game, but if a few injuries and one bad egg are enough to turn your team inside out, there’s some serious work to be done. They’ve dropped from the best defense in the 2013-14 season down to the bottom five. It could be because of the aforementioned problems, or because Seattle’s defense has become an open book: Richard Sherman doesn’t move from his side of the field; it’s dangerous to throw in his direction, so quarterbacks simply don’t. The problem is, offenses are still marching through the other two thirds of the field Sherman doesn’t occupy.

 

 

You just stay over there, and watch us score touchdowns, kay?

You just stay over there, and watch us score touchdowns, kay?

Seattle can still score points though, and that keeps them dangerous. Russell Wilson’s receiver corps will hopefully no longer have a little devil on their shoulders, and Beast Mode is Beast Mode. The Panthers defense will find it difficult to contain, as they vie for points of their own. Cam Newton won’t necessarily find himself under such odds as he did against Green Bay, and if his offensive line can hold, and they line up Kelvin Benjamin on the opposite side of the field from Richard Sherman, the two of them could crank out touchdowns like the Rams did. I think I’m going to go against the grain and actually pick the Panthers for that reason.

PANTHERS

BMK:  I have no idea where you get your stats DT, but the Seahawks are in the top ten defensively.  Sure, they’re having their issues, but their defense is still very good.

The Rams shocked everyone last week by beating Seattle, but they needed a trick play and a very gutsy call on a 4th and 3 to do it. I don’t see the Panthers doing that this week, but I also don’t think Seattle should be in a blind panic either.

Unless they lose this week. In which case they’re done, dude.

—–

DOLPHINS at JAGUARS

D.T.: If the NFL is smart, they’ll change the locks on the doors before the Jags cross back over the Atlantic.

DOLPHINS

BMK: Although Ultron first appears in Avengers #54 (1968), the character is disguised for the majority of the issue as the Crimson Cowl, with his face only revealed on the last page of the issue and no name given to the character. The character leads the Masters of Evil against the Avengers, having hypnotized Edwin Jarvis into working for him. In the following issue, #55 (Aug. 1968), the character is identified as Ultron-5, the living automaton, although his origin is still unknown.[3] In Avengers 57 – 58 (Oct-Nov. 1968) in a flashback sequence it is revealed that Ultron is the creator of the “synthezoid” Vision whom it tries to use as a weapon to destroy the Avengers. The Vision—similar to Wonder Man, whose brain patterns he was given—however, destroys Ultron with the aid of the Avengers.

Further flashbacks reveal that Ultron is the creation of Hank Pym, and based on Pym’s brain patterns. The robot gradually developed its own intelligence and rebelled, and almost immediately develops an Oedipus Complex, whereby it feels irrational hatred for his “father” Hank, and demonstrates an interest in Hank’s lover Janet van Dyne, the Wasp. Rebuilding itself, learning how to turn itself on, and upgrading five times, Ultron then hypnotizes Pym and brainwashes him into forgetting that the robot had ever existed.

DOLPHINS

—–

RAVENS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals are in a real nosedive, and the Ravens will be looking to capitalize. Flacco is on fire, and the Bengals defense has plummeted to the bottom of the ladder. I don’t think Dalton has it in him right now to control the game and squeak out a win.

 

 

Yeah, Joe. Probably many times, at that.

Yeah, Joe. Probably many times, at that.

RAVENS
BMK: The Ginger of Doom is gonna go nuts on the Ravens.  I predict a major victory for the Bengals….

Oh crap, they’re still without AJ Green?  Well…

RAVENS
—–

TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: The Texans’ defense has been deceptively terrible this season. J.J. Watt may be creating a highlight reet for his Hall of Fame induction, but he really is the only ingredient in the mixture with real potency. Everyone’s completely forgotten about Jadaveon Clowney — be honest — you did too, until you just read that — and believe it or not, they’re actually a really low-ranking defense, week to week. They’re also struggling to score points on the other side of the ball, where teamstraditionally score points. The Titans, however, are on just about the same boat. They’re failing to produce in a meaningful way on either side of the ball, and they’re also lacking in the sheer luck the Texans have enjoyed in several of their match-ups this season. In this case, I think luck actually will play a role here…

 

 

Hold on there, pal. Your game's a little further down.

Hold on there, pal. Your game’s a little further down.

…and based on that gut feeling, I’m giving it to the Texans.

TEXANS
BMK: Whisenhunt just benched Locker. I guess he has a thing against inaccurate quarterbacks whose last names start with the letter L.

Relatedly, when asked who the Titans should draft to fix their problems, Matt Leinart replied: Another coach.  Good stuff.

TEXANS
—–

RAMS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Both of these teams had staggering upsets against presumed-superior divisional rivals. And in divisional games, wacky things happen. Just ask the Pats about the Jets, or the Steelers about the Browns. The Chiefs gave the Chargers their second real challenge of the season, and… well, everyone is pretty shocked over the Rams beating Seattle, still. Anyway, the two Missourah teams (why the hell does Missouri have two NFL teams?) are competing for supremacy in a state most Americans probably couldn’t point out on a map. The Rams bring with them a proven back-up Quarterback and two potential stud Running Backs. The Chiefs bring Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles, who continues to climb back into our hearts. But again, I’m going with the gut feeling here, and choosing the stout Rams to take it.

RAMS
BMK:  The BATTLE OF THE FLY OVER STATES!  WHO WILL WIN??!? WHO WILL LOSE! WHICH TEAMS FANS WILL DROWN THEMSELVES IN BOOZE!

CHIEFS

PS: The Chiefs play on the Kansas side of Kansas City, borham. YOU’RE WELCOME!
—–

EAGLES at CARDINALS

D.T.: Two 5-1 Bird Teams meeting for the first time this year. Let’s cut straight to the most obvious question: will the Cardinals’ injured but hearty defense be able to hold up against the Eagles’ hurry-up offense? Former Wildcat Nick Foles returns to Arizona to try and claim a 6-1 record, but has to go through a Cardinals passing and running defense that has left the league scratching their heads. And the Eagles’ more than iffy defense has to contend with an offense that was the last to give up an interception, and has shown a good amount of effectiveness both on the ground and in the air. I’m going to give it to the Cardinals, but not as a homer pick. I really think the Arizona offense can hold the field and eat the clock enough to keep the Eagles from getting too many chances. And when they do take the field, I think Foles and Company will be put to the test for the first time in a while.

 

 

And these two better step it up, dammit.

And these two better step it up, dammit.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game is certainly for the birds!

Anyway, Chip Kelley has had two weeks to prepare for the Cardinals, and the Cardinals defense is pretty banged up. At some point, that will be an issue. And I’m thinking it’s this week.

EAGLES

—–

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: Okay, Neckbeard. You’re up.

Across the board, the Colts are favored to win. And rightfully so, after shredding the Bengals last week and offering them their first shut-out. The Colts are undeniably at the top of the food chain. They’re operating at a high capacity, while the Steelers remain decent, but inconsistent. The Colts have finally loosened Pep Hamilton’s leash on Luck and — just like I said — the results have been pretty incredible. I see the Colts marching through Pittsburgh with time to shop for souvenirs before getting back on the plane.

 

 

Souvenirs like this, I guess? Whatever the fuck this is.

Souvenirs like this, I guess? Whatever the fuck this is.

COLTS

BMK: The Colts have been very impressive lately and the Steelers not so.  When I lived in Pittsburgh five years ago, their defense was getting old.  Now it’s five years later and they’re playing the same guys.  There’s no way the Steelers D is going to keep pace with a player like Hilton or a QB like luck. The Colts are going to roll through this one and leave all the Yinzers crying in their Yuengling.

Be tee dub, to anyone reading this in Pittsburgh: Primati’s sucks.

This isn't made in Pittsburgh anymore, just like a stout defense. Hiyo.

This isn’t made in Pittsburgh anymore, just like a stout defense. Hiyo.

—–

RAIDERS at BROWNS

D.T.:

Red

 

 

 

BROWNS

BMK: I know it’s really popular to dismiss the Raiders (unless you live in the East Bay, like me), but I think they might put up a bit of a fight this week. Carr has shown some signs of competent QB play, so they got that going for them. They’re still years away from anything, but Carr might be the QB to lead them to average status.

I’d be tempted to pick them in an upset here,  but I’ve already done that this week. So I’m going with the same pick.

BROWNS

—–

PACKERS at SAINTS

D.T.: Uh… Packers, I guess. I don’t see the Saints rebounding against the team that just punished the leaders of their division (The Panthers, for those of you not paying attention. Yes, the Panthers are still the best team in the NFC South, despite their mixed efforts), and I don’t see the Packers’ once-believed-to-be-screwed-due-to-injury secondary giving it up to New Orleans, even if it’s Drew Brees lobbing passes. Aaron Rodgers will control this game, like he has been the others.

PACKERS

BMK: The Saints came marching in to Sucktown.  They liked it so much, they stayed.

PACKERS

This was the more appetizing images Google returned when I searched for sucktown...

This was the more appetizing images Google returned when I searched for sucktown…

—–

REDSKINS at COWBOYS

D.T.: We made it, Krol! The last match-up in this godforsaken wasteland of a week. And it’s between the Redskins and Cowboys. The ‘Skins are a fucking mess, having willfully dropped down to their third string Quarterback, Colt McCoy, who proceeded to immediately throw a for almost 130 yards touchdown pass, and help the team edge out a narrow win against the Titans. Quarterback controversies are endlessly frustrating for everyone involved, and I expect the insecure Redskins to falter in their trip to see Romo, who’s really found his footing for the first time in a while. Sorry Skins’ fans — maybe you can wash that bad taste out of your mouth with some expired beer.

COWBOYS

Oh shit, it was Cooper Manning, right? The Manning that landed the touchdown record?

 

"Eat a shit sandwich, D.T. -- like this. This is you eating a shit sandwich."

“Eat a shit sandwich, D.T. — like this. This is you eating a shit sandwich.”

 

 

BMK: Ugh, you’re right man. This week was a complete wasteland. But if you believe in the Power of Romo, you too will see the face of God.

 

Romo equals love...

Romo equals love…

COWBOYS

 

Speaking of shit sandwiches...

Speaking of shit sandwiches…

*Jerry Jones didn’t actually say this…or did he?*

 

*He didn’t.

NOTE: There is no recap graphic because DT’s a big poop head and forgot to send it to me.  Plus he’s winning, so F him.

This post was compiled and written while watching the Avengers and my prime disappear in the rear view mirror of my life.

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 23, 2014 at 6:38 pm