Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
4th and Krol Podcast: Week 10
We got a new podcast for ya’ll! This week, we cover Jerry Jones and his loveable sidekick Greg Hardy. Oh what hilarious misadventures are those two going to get into this week! Also, we talk about the state of the Carson City Stadium project, we breakdown the Seahawks Cardinals game, and we answer the mystery on everyone’s mind: why isn’t DT on any social media.
Hope you enjoy it!
“This guy…this guy ALWAYS listens to 4th and Krol.”
Hallelujah! A New Podcast!
It seems gentle readers, that our technical problems have passed us and we can now start podcasting in earnest. I have a new microphone and old opinions, and DT is just the affable guy you’ve come to know and love.
This week, we discuss where we think the remainder of the season is going to shake out, the nature of NFL compensation and injuries, and I go off on the Cowboys.
Thanks for listening! Hope you enjoy it! Any comments can be left below and you can find me on twitter @bmkrol.
4th and Krol: Week Six Picks
Week Six: It’s time for the picks!
DT: Krol, we’re getting pretty good at this. Aside from not being able to know when dudes are getting injured, our picks are getting better. Or, least mine are. For anyone keeping score, I’m now three picks head of Krol, after winning both weeks 4 and 5 and coming from behind. And to top it off, I also predicted that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys in brutal fashion, and that Aaron Rodgers’ streak of no interceptions at home would come to an end against the Rams.
“Oh yeahhhh, you’re a real Nostra-fuckin’-damus.”
There’s a lot to talk about this week, both here in the column, as well as our weekly podcast. We’ll get deep into some of the more serious issues when we cast our pod in your faces, and get right into the picks here in the text. WEEK SIX! It’s gonna be fuck-awful, folks!
BMK: So I’m writing this on Friday night. Again. But this time I’m writing this in a hotel room. See, I was down in LA this week watching movies to later review over at Andersonvision.com (plug plug). While I was here, a torrential downpour sent mudslides all over the main road out of town. Now I know what you’re thinking, one night me and the cute girl from marketing drank mudslides at TGI Fridays until she found out about my UTI, so it’s all good! Listen up Dockers: it’s not all good. I’m now trapped in a hotel in Glendale, CA, with wifi speeds that were state-of-the-art a few years before DARPANet debuted. Long story short: I’m feeling even more salty than usual.
Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn’t call her…
ON TO THE PICKS!
———-
FALCONS at SAINTS
D.T.: And we kick things off with a terribly one-sided divisional match-up. The Saints are now in a pit too deep for even Brees to pull them out. Going into week six, it’s about that time where hopes and goals are a thing of the past, and it’s time to split focus between salvaging what’s left, and planning for next season. If the Saints are smart, that first round pick they got from Seattle can turn into something.
“Can we draft a new offensive coordinator?”
This week, they’re up against a a 5-0 divisional rival in the Falcons. Atlanta is playing every game like that rout they had against Tampa in September of last year. They’re on one hell of a hot streak, and the Saints just don’t stand a chance. Expect Devonta Freeman and Matty Ice to pull off another couple touchdowns a piece.
FALCONS
BMK: If you read my intro paragraph, you’d know that I’m writing this on Friday. For all of our readers in Florida, this means that the Thursday night game already happened. Since Thursday comes before Friday.
Anyway, I picked the Falcons. And you know what? You would’ve too!
I need a cupcake to salve my wounded psyche.
FALCONS
———-
REDSKINS at JETS
D.T.: The Redskins are kind of like the horror movie villain that you think is dead, then they come back later for another go-round. They managed to off the Eagles in week three, then lost to the Falcons in week five. This time around, they’re getting picked apart by the Jets defense. Mastermind Todd Bowles has put together a secondary that’s simply too good for the Redskins offense that topped off at total 51 yards rushing in week 5.
“We’d get more yards if all those dudes weren’t in the way.”
It’s going to be another win for the Jets in their crusade to shake things up in the Northeastern part of the country.
JETS
BMK: Todd Bowles have the Jets flying in the right direction. The Redskins are still hot garbage. And they always will be with Dan Snyder at the controls.
JETS
“Don’t make that pun again, Krol.”
———-
CARDINALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Monday night’s display between the Steelers and Chargers was the first this season that I’ve simply given up on and turned off. I got up at 6am last Sunday to watch the London game, and had a better time watching the Jets pound the Dolphins than I did watching the Pittsburgh and San Diego stumble around aimlessly, committing the most fundamental of fouls and mistakes. Fuck Mike Tomlin; Ben Roethlisberger, love him or hate him, is the foundation of that team, and they’re losing focus without him.
“I ain’t afraid to try and trip you, D.T.”
There’s talk of him returning early to play the Cardinals this week, and either QB choice for Pittsburgh – an injured Ben or a Mike Vick with no pocket awareness – is a very shaky one at best. Arizona’s spent the week following their win in Detroit on the East coast to stay fresh, and that secondary is going to take full advantage of whatever scenario plays out for Pittsburgh. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers defense has struggled to contain offenses, and with Carson Palmer and his receivers as hot as they are, I expect Red to dominate Yellow this Sunday.
CARDINALS
BMK: When I lived in Pittsburgh, I’d go shopping down at this area of town called the Strip District. This is where all the Italian grocers were, which included the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company, home of the greatest cheese counter ever.
“Seriously…isn’t this amazing?”
Why am I bringing this up? Because there was a hole in the wall store down there that sells all manner of Steelers merchandise, including some real stupid shit. Anyway, they blasted the Steelers fight song so loud that Slayer told them to turn it down. Honest to God! Slayer! That song is like two-and-a-half minutes long too. Which means that whichever poor bastard that works there hears the same song 192 times a day. At some point, that dude is going to snap, shoot up a Primantis chanting, “Here we go!” while giggling and shitting himself.
Pictured: Typical Steelers Fan.
Who am I picking? I like the Cardinals in this one. Which means they’re going to lose in an ignominious fashion. That said, every time someone sacks Mike Vick in this game, I’m donating 20 bucks to PETA. If someone ends Vick’s season, that’s $500. And yeah, I don’t give a fuck. That man is scum.
CARDINALS
PS: I lived in Pittsburgh when they played the Cardinals in the Superbowl. I think I caused the Cardinals loss, but that’s a long story…
“Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life.”
———-
CHIEFS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The Chiefs suffered a devastating blow last week against the Bears, as superstar Running Back Jamaal Charles is finished for the season after an ACL tear. Knile Davis is dependable RB2, but the one-two combination of a week five loss against a bottom-level opponent like the Bears and the absence of their star is enough to drop them into a free fall. This’ll allow the well-rested Vikings to contain the Chiefs. If Teddy can bring it and keep his defense off the field for any longer than necessary, the Vikings can win this one on sheer will alone.
VIKINGS
BMK: I’m not sold on Bridgewater. Luckily, they rank 2nd in the NFL for rushing yards, so they won’t have to rely on him to beat the reeling Chiefs, who’s rushing defense ranks nearly last in the NFL.
Holy crap! That was actual football analysis! Wonders will never cease.
VIKINGS
“Wait…Krol’s actually using analysis?”
———-
BENGALS at BILLS
Is there any team hotter than the Bengals right now? Let’s check the Cincinnati city thermometer and see:
Very red, as I suspected.
Cincinnati’s game against Seattle was far and away the best and most exciting. That forceful overtime drive for a field goal to win was a statement that the Bengals aren’t fucking around this year. Well, until the first round of the playoffs, but that’s a long ways off! They’re up against the Bills this week – a team still making a statement of their own, and looking to knock off one of the 5-0 teams in the league. I think it’s fair to expect Buffalo to come out playing nasty, aggressive football, and there will be flags.
“Now let’s go get a goddamned milkshake.”
Andy Dalton is playing incredible football right now, and I see his offense overcoming the aggression of Buffalo’s secondary. The Bengals take a win this week.
BENGALS
BMK: This is an interesting matchup. Credit where credit is due, the Bengals came back against Seattle in the 4th Quarter. On the whole, I think that says more about where Seattle is than where Bengals are, but either way, that’s no mean feat. Anyway, Dalton plays well during the early part of the season, but then, like my chances of ever having a decent career, he slowly degenerates.
“What? No ‘ I Drink your milkshake,’ joke Krol?”
I’d love to pick the Bills here, since Rex Ryan has that defense playing very well, but I don’t trust Tyrod Taylor. At all.
BENGALS
———-
BEARS at LIONS
D.T.: Ugh, fuck me… as much as their fans would argue, both the NFC North and the NFC South are proof that the divisions in the league need a shake-up. Regardless of the fact that they’re pretty much the only two divisions that make geographical sense, it’s unfair for the rest of the country to be subjected to their divisional games so many times a season.
I can’t even decide who to pick, because both of these teams are so fucking bad. I guess the Lions? They couldn’t lose two home games in a row, right? At some point, they have to win ONE game, and it may as well be this one.
LIONS
BMK: The only thing that Lions prove is that God hates Detroit.
“Hmmm…does God actually hate Detroit? Or does he channel his contempt for humankind into Matt Stafford’s interception to touchdown ratio?”
BEARS
———-
BRONCOS at BROWNS
D.T.: Denver kept the winning streak alive last week against the Raiders, thanks to another defensive touchdown. The fact that the Oakland Raiders gave Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos a run for their money last week shows how confusing the Broncos are as a team, this year. Peyton Manning still can’t get a real handle on that new offense, but Denver’s top-ranked secondary will be more than enough to contain whichever quarterback Cleveland decides to play.
Cleveland’s run defense has been terrible, so it’s a day for CJ Anderson and Ronnie Hillman to really step up and power that Broncos offense. If Peyton can swallow a little of his pride and offensive coordinator Rick Dennison can pull his head out and run the ball, Denver should take this.
BRONCOS
BMK: Some wags are talking up the Browns here. Are they fucking insane?
“Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?”
BROWNS
———-
TEXANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: The NFL is either trying to tell me to drink more, or drink less. I can’t decide which it is, with this game. I’m going to assume it’s drink more. Thank fuck the Cardinals are playing a meaningful match-up during this block of games. Um… shit, I don’t know. Jaguars? Why not.
JAGUARS
BMK: Putin is going to make political prisoners watch this game.
“You expected someone else?”
JAGUARS
———-
DOLPHINS at TITANS
D.T.: What the fuck, NFL. I mean, seriously. Fuckin’… Titans, I suppose? Yeah, that sounds right. Titans. The Dolphins new head coach is doing some fun things with the team like making them run high school drills and making Suh show up just to hold everyone’s water, but like my partner said last week, it’s going to take way more than a Tight End coach (and a bye week) to turn that mess of a team around.
TITANS
BMK: Putin is watching this game himself. Because he’s a sick fuck!
“This guy. This guy, always takes the Titans at home.”
TITANS
———-
PANTHERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Why do I feel like we’ve already seen these two teams play? Weird. Anyway, the Seahawks lost to the Bengals last week, who were out to prove that their undefeated season so far is legitimate. They did so in very entertaining fashion, and have sent Seattle back to CenturyLink to lick their wounds at 2-3. Carolina comes to visit this week with a kind of shocking 4-0 record, looking to protect that goose egg they’ve got in their loss column.
Cam Newton’s head is also shaped exactly like a goose egg. Conspiracy?!
The Seahawks are discombobulated this season, and their one undeniable strength is Russell Wilson’s ability to scramble and keep a play alive. I feel like their entire team is now dependent on that, and it’s truly dangerous to constantly have your quarterback in that position. It’ll take Wilson getting injured before that coaching staff wakes the fuck up and kicks the shit out of that offensive line. With a Carolina defense that isn’t half bad (currently ranked in the top 10), and eagerly awaiting to return of Luke Kuechly this week, they’ll be all over Wilson. Dude better have that Morphine Drink ready. I say the Panthers cause an upset (would this even be considered an upset?) and land a narrow win in Seattle.
PANTHERS
BMK: I feel like Jules here at the end of Pulp Fiction. See, I want to believe that the Seahawks are on their way down, and that Carolina are going to take them down. But that aint the truth. The truth is that Russell Wilson talks to God on a regular basis, and God apparently tells him to slowly turn into a megadouche head case. Either way, I don’t see the Panthers winning this game. I’d love to be wrong, but I’m not. Plus I need to make up for my insane Browns pick. So I’m going with the safe bet.
“Nanobubbles, you say?”
SEAHAWKS
———-
CHARGERS at PACKERS
D.T.: San Diego, I want that hour and a half I wasted on Monday night back, with interest. You’ve been coasting on Philip Rivers for way too long, you’re underutilizing a stellar runner in Melvin Gordon, and you had Antonio Gates out for entire drives when the man was clearly hungry for a massive return. Your mismanagement matched that of Pittsburgh’s, and you could have won that game with better coaching and play calling. Green Bay is the superior team, and there’s no way San Diego will take a win in Lambeau.
PACKERS
BMK: I feel bad for Philip Rivers.
Wait. No I don’t. F that guy.
But DT was right, that Monday night game was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.
“You don’t care about Philip Rivers? Well I CARE about Philip Rivers!”
PACKERS
———-
RAVENS at NINERS
D.T.: A Super Bowl XLVII rematch will fill up the hour of pregame commentary before the kick-off. Even though it feels like 90% of that Super Bowl Niners team is gone. Both of these teams have fallen from grace, and one of them will leave Levi’s Stadium with a 1-5 record. Many were quick to say that perhaps San Francisco is on the upswing after that close loss against the Giants last week.
Those many are mostly Kaepernick’s parents. And in case you’re wondering about the nose, yes, he was adopted.
I don’t know if I agree with them, but I think the Niners have a genuine chance against the Ravens, who just lost to the BROWNS in a relatively high scoring game. I actually kind of hope the Niners win this one, mostly because the Santa Clara police need a break.
NINERS
BMK: I love this matchup. Because one of these teams has to come away with a win (though, please God, please, let this be a tie…), and not matter who wins, neither is going anywhere but down. That tickles my black heart.
One thing’s for sure though, no matter what happens during the game, Tomsula is going to spend the afternoon looking like a guy getting a prostate exam.
“No you’re not Kat…Nobody likes Tomsula.”
NINERS
———-
PATRIOTS at COLTS
D.T.: This one’s not going to be fun, Colts fans. Chuck Pagano’s been talking about how much he liked having Hasselbeck under center, and now the Colts are looking at shifting things around in the Indy offense. Even with Andrew Luck returning from an injury. The last thing that team needs – amongst in-fighting between the coach and general manager – is some kind of bullshit quarterback controversy or a desire to tinker with the offense. You want to tinker with Indianapolis’s offense? Fucking fire Pep Hamilton, install a new offensive coordinator that will play on Andrew Luck’s strengths, and sign some younger, proven talent. Signing old veterans left and right only works if you’ve got a solid coaching staff that understands and can work with the strengths and weaknesses of each player.
You’ve got to pull your shit together, Indy. You’re in for a massive beating from the Patriots this week, and I can’t help but think it’ll drive you even further into madness instead of being the motivation you need to right the ship.
PATRIOTS
BMK: The Patriots are going to destroy the Colts. Right now they’re 10 point favorites. I don’t think they’ll win by that big of a margin, but they’re going to win. Brady is playing very well and there isn’t anyone on the Colts defense—nay, THE WORLD—that can stop Gronk. So Brady will just chuck the ball at Gronk and Gronk will score. Then Tom Brady will go back to his palatial estate and make homeless men fight killer robots while he and his buddy Putin watch and artisanal popcorn.
Do I have to explain this one?
PATRIOTS
———-
GIANTS at EAGLES
D.T.: Sam Bradford tossed three nice-looking touchdowns against the Redskins on Sunday, but even that wasn’t enough to force a win against a beatable opponent. Eli Manning matched him with three scoring passes of his own, and only narrowly beat the broken Niners. New York and Philadelphia mirror each other in a lot of ways, this season: old, arguably out of touch head coaches that probably won’t be around much longer, quarterbacks that show signs of greatness on special occasion, and great talent on offenses that struggle to put together drives.
This division is ripe for the taking for either of these two teams, with the Cowboys wounded and the Redskins… doing whatever it is the Redskins are doing.
“Whatever we’re doing, we’re doin’ it cheaply!”
But neither seem equipped to make a meaningful surge forward. It’ll be interesting to see which of these teams, somewhat stuck in the mud, will edge out the other in this prime time showing. Each divisional win is a chance to put more distance between themselves and Dallas before Romo returns, and for that reason I’m calling this my Game of the Week. I don’t expect a spectacular game, but it’s definitely the most intriguing. As for who wins? I think the Giants edge out the Eagles by a single possession, mostly because I think the talent New York has on their offense will compensate for the weaknesses elsewhere.
GIANTS
BMK: I aint buying the Eagles. I don’t care how “good” Sam Bradford looked. The Eagles are crap. I’m sure Chip Kelly is just trolling the league now.
“I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo’s system, but you wouldn’t stop staring and drooling.”
That said, the Giants are looking pretty good. Eli seems to have figured a few things out and is playing much better in Macadoo’s system. After starting 0-2 this year, they might be on their way to winning the division.
GIANTS
———-
The good news is, we’re halfway through October and all that pink shit on the field will soon be gone again. The bad news is, this slump in interesting games won’t end until week eight. But then we’ll see the Seahawks and Cowboys square off in Dallas, and the Packers take on the Broncos at Mile High. In the meantime, Krol and I will continue turning coal into diamonds, shit into gold, and alcohol into entertainment!
“It’s more profitable if you just sell the shit, as is.”
Thanks for reading (and listening!) folks!
BMK: We’re halfway through October and this month can’t end fast enough. Oi vey.
Podcast will return next week. Hope you all check it out. And thanks for reading and listening.
And with that, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:
How I feel about mudslides and LA.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
This was written and compiled listening to the Bouncing Souls, and a little voice in my head saying, “Dude, you need to get this done, DT puts in too much effort every week for you to slack off.”
NYC Midnight Screenwriting Contest Results
Ah…the salad days of youth…
After getting a disappointing result in the NYC Midnight Short Fiction contest, I decided to sign up for their screenwriting one, since I had an extra $45 and nothing to lose. Anyway, I got the results last night and I moved on to round two, which is really exciting.
Round two starts this Thursday and I have four days to write an eight page screenplay. Like all their contests, I get assigned a new genre, subject, and character in each round, so I have no idea what I’m going to write about. In a lot of ways that’s freeing; limitations, I think, inspire the most creativity.
Anyway, here is the link to the screenplay if you’re curious. It has a lot of warts, but I still like it. I hope you do too.
THUD Week Fifteen
Week 15 — here comes the regression to the mean!
D.T.: Cam Newton finally gets his shit together, and then injures his back in a car accident. The Rams put up historic, back-to-back shut outs right as they’re being pushed out of playoff contention. The Raiders beat the shit out of the Niners. Krol finally caught up to me in picks. Ain’t football a bitch?
“Yes.”
We were ragging pretty hard on week 14 for being a series of shitty games and, for the first time this season and maybe in our whole lives, ever, there’s a slight, miniscule chance that Krol and I were wrong. I mean, who expected the Packers/Falcons game to be as high-scoring as it was? Who expected Andrew Luck’s mistakes to turn the Colts/Browns game into a nail-biter? Well, if you were pleasantly surprised like us, you better hold on to your ass, this week.
BMK: Yeah, this last week turned out to be better than I thought it would be. Especially since the Raiders beat the 49ers. As an avowed Harbaugh hater, that was just delicious. This week we got some hot Division on Division action. Let’s get biz-zay!
—–
CARDINALS at RAMS
D.T.: Somehow, the Cardinals managed to squeeze out a win against the Chiefs. Many would argue that poor officiating helped, and to them I say… yeah, probably. The Rams defense is looking pretty incredible, and they’ve developed a knack for picking off hurting teams. The injury-plagued Arizona team will have to really step it up on offense to survive. They’ve certainly got more on the line, and if they can keep clear heads and utilize the tools they’ve got left, they just might squeak out another W. Maybe. I hope.
CARDINALS
BMK: A lot of hay is being made out of the Rams blanking the Redskins and the Raiders. It’s an impressive feat, but I think the media is overplaying the Rams abilities. Don’t get me wrong, their pass-rush is scary, but who do they have on their secondary? Who’s their offensive playmaker?
That said, I’m picking them this week. Thursday night games this year have been insane. I’m going with the home team.
RAMS
—–
STEELERS at FALCONS
D.T.: I’m as shocked as anyone that the Falcons managed to score as much as they did against the Packers. Julio Jones had himself a freaking day, and topped out at 260 yards and a touchdown, and Matty Ice tossed for 375 yards and four TDs. Maybe something has awakened in the Falcons and they just realized that someone from their division MUST go to the playoffs, and it might as well be them. But, their visit from the Steelers won’t help that cause — their defense is far too weak to stop Cheeseburger and LeVeon Bell. Sorry, Dirty Birds.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m picking the Steelers here too. Mostly cause I can’t figure out why I shouldn’t.
STEELERS
—–
REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: At this point, both the Redskins players and fans must be eagerly awaiting the sweet relief of the off-season. Giants fans are more than likely indifferent, and placing all of their attention and enthusiasm on the incredible season Odell Beckham, Jr. is having. This wasn’t a great season for them, but next year they get to look forward to seeing that kid line up across from Victor Cruz. That’s a scary thought, indeed. Oh, and they’ll win this week.
GIANTS
BMK: Ugh, the Redskins. They’re like the Jets, but without the excellent football.
I feel sorry for the fans of that team, since most of the problems with the Redskins come from a bad owner. Before Michael Bidwell took over, the Cardinals were in a similar situation, just constant dysfunction and mediocrity or worse. This off-season will be interesting down in Virginia, that’s for sure.
GIANTS
—–
DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Divisional match-up, ahoy! Wacky shit happens when these two teams face off, and the last time they did, the ‘Fins put the Pats away with a two-possession lead. That, however, was before the Patriots began enjoying their revitalization on both sides of the ball. The Miami defense has been struggling of late, and I expect to see Brady, Gronk and Blount capitalize.
And, sadly, we’ll probably see less of this.
PATRIOTS
BMK: The Patriots do not lose at Foxboro. They just don’t.
PATRIOTS
—–
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: I’m sure Alex Smith enjoyed watching his former team struggle against the worst team in the league.
“Colin-what? Kaeper-who?”
But, will he be able to avoid the same thing happening to him? All signs point to yes. The Chiefs will be fortunate to finish the season in second place in the AFC West, but at least Smith isn’t still on that sinking ship. And he’s got easier divisional rivals to beat up on.
CHIEFS
BMK: I think the Raiders got a decent QB in Derek Carr. Or, at the very least, they have a decent prospect to develop further. Other than that, there’s not much to like about Oakland. Despite their sweet, sweet, victory last week, they’re still a two win football team. They’re not beating the Chiefs at home.
CHIEFS
—–
TEXANS at COLTS
D.T.: A tricky divisional match-up. The Texans’ playoff dreams are still alive, but they have to go through the 9-4 Colts to get there. This week, literally. Indy Quarterback Andrew Luck has been struggling with turnovers lately, and the loss of Reggie Wayne to a tricep injury stings a little bit, but the Neckbeard has historically played great against this divisional rival squad. I expect the same to occur here, as they host JJ Watt and professional spectator Jadaveon Clowney at home in Lucas Oil.
I spend $40 a month for RedZone. He gets $22 million to watch from the sideline. Fuck this guy.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts are soft on defense and JJ Watt is a wrecking machine. However, Andrew Luck is at home and he’s an amazing QB.
COLTS
—–
BENGALS at BROWNS
D.T.: And so begins the Manziel Era. Both the Bengals and Browns have been prone to unpredictability this season, and tossing in a hot-headed, untested Quarterback into the mix makes things all the more interesting. I have to say, I don’t think it’s wise of Pettine to gamble on Johnny Football/Foot-Tall/Eight-Ball at this point in the season.
Though, I probably wouldn’t say it to his face.
It seems like a real risk to put a divisional game on the line, when you’re only a win behind a three-way tie for the championship. I’m not sure what statement the Browns franchise is trying to make, and I wonder if they’re banking on a fresh QB being able to best a team that nearly lost to the Buccaneers, and lost quite badly to the Steelers in week 14. Should be an interesting experiment, and I suppose I can see it working out for them, if the Bengals are in Shitstorm-Mode this week.
BROWNS
BMK: A rookie QB in a divisional game? With holes in the offensive line? Hard pass….
BENGALS.
—–
JAGUARS at RAVENS
D.T.: Right now, Marcus Mariota is thanking the Football Gods that the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles last year.
“Heh. No shit.”
RAVENS
BMK: The Misfits are an American punk rock band often recognized as the progenitors of the horror punk subgenre, blending punk rock and other musical influences with horror film themes and imagery.
Founded in 1977 in Lodi, New Jersey by singer and songwriter Glenn Danzig, the group had a fluctuating lineup during its first six years with Danzig and bassist Jerry Only as the only consistent members. During this time they released several EPs and singles, and with Only’s brother Doyle as guitarist, the albums Walk Among Us (1982) and Earth A.D./Wolfs Blood (1983), both considered touchstones of the early-1980s hardcore punk movement.
After a series of legal battles with Danzig, Only and Doyle regained the rights to record and perform as the Misfits. They formed a new version of the band in 1995 with singer Michale Graves and drummer Dr. Chud. This incarnation of the Misfits had a sound much more rooted in heavy metal, and released the albums American Psycho (1997) and Famous Monsters (1999) before dissolving in 2000. Jerry Only then took over lead vocals and recruited former Black Flag guitarist Dez Cadena and former Ramones drummer Marky Ramone for a Misfits 25th Anniversary tour.
—–
PACKERS at BILLS
D.T.: The Buffalo Turnover Machine vs. Aaron “Only Three Interceptions in 2014” Rodgers. The Bills continue to play solid defense, and Green Bay’s continues to be their weakness. If Orton, Watkins and Jackson can hold it down, they might give the Packers a sizable challenge. In the end, however I see the Packers chalking up their sixth win in a row. But I hope the Bills cause some turnovers and knock that Green Bay homer out of my fantasy playoffs.
PACKERS
BMK: Conventional wisdom says the Packers win this game, and why wouldn’t it? Aaron Rodgers is playing lights out and putting up all sorts of gaudy stats.
But I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense. At all.
Of course, I don’t not trust it enough to buck conventional wisdom. Just saying, we’ve seen this movie before: Gaudy Green Bay lights up the regular season but goes home early in the playoffs.
PACKERS
—–
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Cam Newton picked a good week to get his truck knocked over, and fracture his back. If Carolina decides to rest him this week, their back-up Derek Anderson is capable of taking on the Tampa team. Anderson had a fun time back in week one against the Bucs, throwing for 240 yards and a couple of touchdowns. I’m sure they’re working on building up his chemistry with the receiver corp right now, and I expect Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin to be his safe, dependable targets for a fairly easy victory.
PANTHERS
BMK: [JOKE COMPARING NEWTON’S CAR CRASH TO PANTHER’S SEASON].
PANTHERS
—–
JETS at TITANS
D.T.: Whoever wins, some poor son of a bitch draft pick loses.
Um… TITANS?
BMK: I’m going with the Jets. Why the fuck not?
JETS
—–
BRONCOS at CHARGERS
D.T.: As predicted, the Chargers suffered defeat at the hands of the Patriots, but not before making Brady plop himself on the field and throw a temper tantrum like a baby. The Chargers are less likely to elicit that type of reaction from Peyton Manning, who is currently enjoying three-win streak, and a cakewalk of a final stretch. Sorry, Phillip, it’s Manning’s year. At least he has other things to fill his heart, like collecting bolo ties. And small children.
“I keep them all in the same closet!”
BRONCOS
BMK: I sort of feel sorry for Philip Rivers. Mostly for his fashion sense, but also for the fact that is one great QB that had the misfortune of playing in the same era and conference as Brady and Manning. He’ll never make it to the big dance. However, he’s photogenic, and has 207 kids, so he’ll be an on-air “personality” enough. Maybe FOX can retire Terry Bradshaw the way Deckard retires Replicants and plug Rivers in there. That way, I can avoid everything that annoys me on Sunday.
BRONCOS
—–
VIKINGS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions enjoyed a leisurely victory against Tampa Bay last week, with Matt Stafford and Friends continuing on the up-trend. Stafford tossed for 311 yards and a hat-trick, while Megatron chalked up 158 yards and a TD. Joique Bell picked up over 80 yards rushing, 50 receiving, and a couple of touchdowns. Bell shows no signs of slowing, even with the return of Reggie Bush, and this trio should have themselves an excellent day against their oft-struggling rivals.
LIONS
BMK: I don’t foresee an upset here. The Lions have a stout defense and a pretty good offense. More than enough to handle Bridgewater and the boys.
LIONS
—–
NINERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Niners are done. Colin Kaepernick’s success as a mobile quarterback was only destined to last as long as the small window of opportunity would allow. Which is sad, because the kid has a decent arm and I don’t think he’s the horrible douchebag people* want to believe he is. At any rate, the Niners are in for a massive overhaul in the offseason, and lots of changes – some expected, and likely some painful and unexpected – will occur. This week’s game in Seattle will be the final nail in the coffin for the Harbaugh Era. A team this defeated and dysfunctional doesn’t stand a chance in CenturyLink.
SEAHAWKS
* Bryan
BMK: I’m going with the Niners here.
Seattle is great against the pass but they’re vulnerable against the run. The 40000ft view reason the Seahawks are killing everyone is because most NFL teams have abandoned the concept of power running. Think about it: who, amongst the “elite” teams this season, has a great ground game? No one. Now, the Cowboys and Chiefs both have very good rushing attacks, and guess what? They both beat the Seahawks.
If the Niners can run Frank Gore effectively – and I’m betting they can – they’re going to win the game.
NINERS
—–
COWBOYS at EAGLES
D.T.: Another Thanksgiving Day rematch that didn’t go so well for one of these teams. The ‘Boys may have rebounded with a solid win against the Bears the following week, but they’ll still have the taste of stale turkey and dry stuffing in their mouths. Will they pull off a revenge on the Eagles’ home turf? Tough call. Dallas claims that Romo is in better health and they’ve got the advantage of more time to prepare. While he took pain medication to bolster himself against the Bears, it was decided against shooting Romo up when they played the Eagles on Turkey Day. So, will a drugged up Romo make a world of difference this time around?
“Hey, you guys see them pink elephants? What are those pink elephants doin’ at football?”
Is it smoke and mirrors to excuse themselves from an embarrassing loss? I have trouble thinking the Philly’s earlier win was a fluke, but at the same time, I think Dallas will come out swinging. It might be the most interesting game this week. I’ll go with Philly at home.
EAGLES
BMK: I’m inclined to agree with the Gentleman from Maricopa County. The Cowboys’s main weakness – besides an insane GM – is their defense. I’m pretty sure the Sanchise will rebound from the Seattle loss by beating up on the Boys.
—–
SAINTS at BEARS
D.T.: How will the bizarre story of the NFC South end? The Saints and Falcons duke it out for the dubious honor of first place in the worst division in football, and both come into this week “boasting” 5-8 records. I have serious doubts that the Falcons will best the Steelers, which opens the door for the Saints to secure the lead — at least for this week. But, after their shocking loss against the Panthers last week, who’s to say? In a division as (horribly) competitive as the NFC South right now, I have doubts that New Orleans purposefully took it easy last week in preparation for their final stretch. Any loss, especially in their own division, is dire for their post-season chances, and a possible two-win lead is far preferable than a possible one-win lead.
I’m honestly at a bit of a loss here. Both of these teams are a mess, but the Saint’s upside outweighs the Bears’, so I guess I’ll put my fictional money on Brees.
SAINTS
BMK: The Bears are a complete mess. Their best receiver is out, their QB is a wreck, and their defense puts up about as much fight as Lindsay Lohan does when someone offers her cocaine for sex.
SAINTS
—–
D.T.: And there you have it. Next week, we have football on fuckin’ Saturday, which means four days of waking up hungover and regretful, instead of three. It also means Krol and I have to work harder and faster, since we’ll have less time to crank this bad boy out. A fair trade off!
May the wind always be at your backs, dear readers. And may you always be upwind of Oakland.
BMK: Harder and faster? What are you, my wife, amirite?
This post was written and edited to the Sons of Anarchy and the sounds of men all around me losing their heads…while I was keeping mine…
THUD Picks Week 14
Week 14 — it’s a total dream!
D.T.: I’m going to be straight up, folks. This is not going to be a good week of football. The final stretch of the season – through some weird happenings with scheduling – is chock full of divisional match-ups… and this week is the calm before the storm. While we have Eagles/Cowboys and Seahawks/Niners rematches to look forward to in week 15, this week we have… the Patriots and the Chargers.
Tom Brady’s reaction to being told he can’t simply take next week off.
What say you about this week, dear Krol?
BMK: This week is yet another lineup of blah matches.
Many commentators will point out that this is because of parity in the NFL. And if by parity you mean a sea of mediocrity, then yeah, I agree with you. Anyway…on to the picks.
—–
COWBOYS at BEARS
Last week, the Bears lost miserably to their feline divisional rivals in the triumphant return of Megatron and Stafford to relevance. Cutler tossed for 280 yards and a pair of touchdowns, but that’s where the good times stopped rolling. Their top rusher for the week, Ka’Deem Carey, maxed out at… 8 yards.
“Y’know what, guys? This has been fun, but I think I’ll go back to U of A.”
Over the last few years, the Bears have dominated the Cowboys, but I don’t see them having a good week this time — even though the ‘Boys themselves had a shitty time against the Eagles last week. Look for the Cowboys to rebound and keep themselves on the Eagles’ heels.
COWBOYS
BMK: I’m going with the Cowboys on this one. I don’t trust the Bears at all or Jay Cutler, and while the Cowboys have some good weaknesses, I don’t think the Bears will be able to exploit them in a meaningful way.
—–
STEELERS at BENGALS
D.T.: Sadly, the Steelers have placed Defensive Lineman and locker room-leader Brett Kiesel on injured reserved, after the big man suffered a torn tricep. That leaves the Steelers defense hurting, alongside my chances of seeing Troy Polamalu use his beard as a staging point for a surprise attack.
“Surprise, motherfuckers!”
Even with the absences of Kiesel, Harrison, Jones and others, they’re still looking better than the unpredictable Bengals team that barely held their own against the Buccaneers last week.
STEELERS
BMK: What in the hell happened to the Bengals? Sadly, the Ginger of Doom is going to fuck this one up good, again.
STEELERS
So I was going for the obvious Dexter Doakes reference, but I found this instead, which is way funnier.
—–
RAMS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s kind of starting to look like the Rams might catch up the 49ers. They’ve got a forgiving schedule in this home stretch, and it starts off with the Redskins. True, Colt McCoy threw for nearly 400 yards and three touchdowns against the Colts, but Indy’s never been known for having a truly exceptional defense (Vontae Davis notwithstanding). The Rams are garnering a reputation for just that. I’m going to give it to the Rams this week. Mostly because fuck Gruden and Snyder.
RAMS
BMK: This game is one of the more interesting ones this week. There’s a couple of angles here. 1)Will RGIII start? 2) How will Gruden’s obvious contempt for RGII play out the rest of the year, and 3) Can the Rams make some noise in the final stretch of the season? I think they will.
RAMS
—–
GIANTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Giants will win, and Odell Beckham, Jr. will score nine touchdowns for my fantasy team. Fuck you, a man can dream.
GIANTS
BMK: Without a decent QB, Whisenhunt looks like the Ewok hating poor coach people said he was in AZ.
GIANTS
—–
PANTHERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Cam Newton is officially a problem. Krol and I like to spout off commentary to one another on Sundays, and one observation I had that I particularly liked (out of hundreds, of course) is that Cam Newton is quietly pulling an RGIII this season. He had himself a nice year last year, and after the first instance of injury, he’s completely lost his confidence and seemingly his will to play and command a game. It’s hard to argue against the idea that the Panthers’ season has fully hinged on his decision to contribute or not. The guy’s got a lot of weapons at his disposal and has forgotten how to put a play together.
The Saints, on the other hand, are slowly starting to remember how to win.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints should have remembered how to win when they played the 49ers.
Anyway, to extend off DT’s point, I think we’re seeing the end of the whole “Mobile QB’s NOW AND FOREVER!” stage of the NFL’s development. And before any of you jokers out there start pointing out Russell Wilson, let me ask you a question: would Russell Wilson still be Russell Wilson if he had Dallas’s secondary?
—–
JETS at VIKINGS
D.T.: This game can fuck off. But, because I’m contractually obligated to make football picks, or lose my endorsements…
Actually… shit. Why don’t I have any endorsements?
…VIKINGS. I guess.
BMK: I’ll always endorse you man.
JETS
—–
RAVENS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: An interesting game, if for no other reason than the chase for the wild card in the playoffs. The Dolphins’ sloppy victory over the Jets put them back in the running, while the Ravens’ narrow loss to the Chargers held them back. Looking at these two teams on paper, I’d say the ‘Fins will take it, but who’s to say how Justin Forsett will handle himself against the 6th-ranked Miami defense? Or if Flacco decides to have himself a day and toss another hat-trick into the endzone?
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m only two picks away from you and I’ve been picking against the Cardinals all year. So I’m taking the Ravens…AND VICTORY!
Mostly just the Ravens. But speaking of Victory, it’s a great movie. Everyone should see it. It’s worth the price of an XBOX rental just to see the Pele bicycle kick repeated three times while Max Von Sydow looks on dreamily, probably picturing his massive residual checks from Flash Gordon.
RAVENS
—–
COLTS at BROWNS
D.T.: Looks like we may finally have that inevitable Quarterback controversy in Cleveland. After throwing his second of two interceptions into the hands of the Bills, Mike Pettine benched Brian Hoyer in favor of Johnny Manziel, who lead the team’s offensive unit 80 yards to Manizel’s first touchdown as an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t enough to save the team from a defeat, but it was enough for Pettine to take the first half of this week to decide on who to start against the Colts.
Uncertainty and doubt in your team’s on-field leadership is not a great way to wind down a season. They may as well gift-wrap this game as an early present for Christmas.
…or Hanukkah? The beard throws things off a bit.
COLTS
BMK: Manziel was going to play sometime this year. It was only a question of when. I hope it’s sooner rather than later because I want to see this massive douche go down in vinegar scented flames. Seriously, this kid is worse than getting syphilis from an ape at the zoo. Because, in that scenario, you’ll have an ape buddy. And apes are cool.
Of course, you’ll still have syphilis, but hey – it’s better than having Johnny Summer’s Eve as your starting QB.
COLTS
—–
BUCCANEERS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions finally got their shit together last week and pummeled the Bears. If they can hold it down, this’ll be a nice boost for them in the narrow NFC North race.
LIONS
BMK: This should be an easy win for the Lions. Which is why I’m nervous. Not nervous enough to pick Buccaneers, but I’ll be scared all of Sunday. And not just because I’m planning an A Nightmare on Elm St. movie marathon at my sleep over tonight, either.
LIONS
—–
TEXANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: I think it’s time for our weekly KrolFact™.
TEXANS
BMK: Currahee Mountain is a mountain located in Stephens County, Georgia near Toccoa. The name appears to be derived from the Cherokee word ᏊᏩᎯ (quu-wa-hi) meaning “stand alone.” Technically a part of the Georgia Piedmont or “foothill” province, Currahee Mountain rises abruptly about 800 vertical feet (240 m) above the local topography and is the highest peak in Stephens County. Part of the mountain is in the Chattahoochee National Forest. On clear days, the peak’s 1,735-foot (529 m) summit is visible for many miles and is a prominent landmark to the southeast of Georgia’s Blue Ridge Mountain crest.
The mountain was made famous internationally by Tom Hanks’ and Steven Spielberg’s television miniseries Band of Brothers, in which it was featured as a training site of the American Paratroopers at Camp Toccoa, Georgia where they ran up and down Currahee. The name of the mountain became the motto for these paratroopers including the famous quote: “3 Miles up, 3 Miles down”. The nickname of the 506th Infantry Regiment, of which Easy Company was a part of, is “Currahee”.
TEXANS
—–
BILLS at BRONCOS
D.T.: You got another one for us, Krol?
BRONCOS
BMK: No.
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at CARDINALS
D.T.: What started off as a promising, almost meteoric rise of a season for the Cardinals has leveled off, and ever-mounting injuries now threaten what looked like a clear path to the playoffs. Safety Tyrann Mathieu, Offensive Tackle Jared Veldheer and Running Back Andre Ellington are the latest victims, each taking a huge chunk of their respective unit’s effectiveness with them.
There was real opportunity to bounce back against the weak Falcons defense, and the Cardinals offensive unit failed to meet the challenge. Quarterback Drew Stanton looks wholly under-confident, and the possibility of losing Jared Veldheer for a week or more leaves him exposed and likely running for his life against the Chiefs defense. With the Arizona defense currently under-performing, the doors open wide for Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles to have themselves a nice day in the perfect Arizona weather.
CHIEFS
BMK: Perfect weather my ass. It’s still too hot in that God forsaken state.
Anyway, I’m going with the Cardinals on this one. I got a gut feeling they’ll have a decent game again. Especially since Fitzgerald is playing.
CARDINALS
—–
SEAHAWKS at EAGLES
D.T.: Okay, now it’s fair to say the Seahawks are enjoying a return to Championship form — at least on defense. I wasn’t wholly impressed with their sloppy win against Arizona (bias notwithstanding), but that secondary’s performance against San Francisco on Turkey Day was energized.
“Mmm, roasted Kaepernick. Just like mom used to make.”
Holding the Niners to a single touchdown, and causing a Thanksgiving-serving of turnovers lead the Seattle squad to a 19-3 victory. We’ll see how this revitalized defense holds up against the renaissance the Eagles offense celebrated last week as Mark Sanchez and LeSean McCoy lead their team to a shocking 33-10 victory over the Cowboys. Sanchez looks to be in control — perhaps overly so, as we saw him yelling at his receivers in Manning-like fashion, and even popping Riley Cooper with the ball after twice failing to run the correct route.
“If he screws up again, I’ll shove the ball up his ass. Wait, hold on…”
Taking all things into consideration, the Eagles of week 14 are decidedly not the Niners of week 13. As much traction as their defense may be gaining, the Seahawks will find a whole new challenge in a Philly offense that’s rediscovered their confidence. Just to make things interesting, I give it to the Eagles.
EAGLES
BMK: DT makes some good points, but we’ve seen what Seattle’s secondary can do to really good QBs, and while I like the Sanchise, he’s no Peyton Manning. Hell, he’s no Peyton Reed*. So I’m expecting a large type Seattle victory here.
SEAHAWKS
*I don’t get it either.
—–
NINERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: God damn, Saint Louis. You snatched up the little bit of dignity the Raiders had secured for themselves, and ate it slowly, salivating and moaning as they watched on in tears. I love you for that. Will the Niners be able to do the same? After the last couple of weeks they’ve had, I don’t know. I do think they’ll win, however, but by a margin much more respectable for the Raiders.
NINERS
BMK: Ugh. This game. I was thinking about attending it in person but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, and Raiders tickets – normally hovering in the 35 dollar a head range – jumped up about a 100 bucks at the minimum. So I guess I’ll need to find a way to expose myself to sub-moronic, thickheaded numbskulls beating each other up in a completely disgusting venue.
Maybe I’ll have lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.
NINERS
—–
PATRIOTS at CHARGERS
D.T.: And so ends the Chargers season. They managed to surprise us with a one-point win against the Ravens, but their last four games (Patriots, Broncos, Niners, Chiefs) will see to it that they don’t catch up to their divisional rivals. It’s the Chiefs and Broncos who will take the AFC West, and the Patriots will have an easier time against Filipe Rios and his band of cohorts than they did in Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood last week.
“I object! On the grounds of fuck you!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: I don’t think the Chargers season ends here. Their last four games are tough, true, but I think the Chargers can beat both the Niners and the Chiefs. What’s more – they HAVE to.
They won’t beat the Patriots here though.
PATRIOTS
—–
FALCONS at PACKERS
D.T.: The week wraps up with another dud waiting to happen. I mean, really. This game is like a reward for the Packers for beating the Patriots last week. Eddie Lacy is going to truck through injured Desmond Trufant, then pick him up and eat him as a snack on the way to the end zone. And still be hungry. Aaron Rodgers is going to play with his helmet on backwards. Jordy Nelson is going to staple pictures of himself having sex with the Falcons’ Cornerbacks to the back of his jersey, and even that won’t motivate them keep up. I’m exaggerating, but —
“No, no, keep going. I especially like the part about sex.”
— this is a lame match-up to end a terrible week. This isn’t even going to be interesting if you’re a Packers fan. I feel bad for the guy in my fantasy league who has to play the Packers homer who drafted Rodgers and Nelson. That dude’s going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. This game is just going to fuck everyone’s week up.
PACKERS
BMK: Let’s see, the Falcons are iffy on the road, iffy in the cold, and iffy on defense. Yeah, they’re beating the eventual Superbowl Champions…
PACKERS
—–
D.T.: Let’s wrap up the week with a tribute to the winning-est teams from Week 13!
Still better than any cheerleader I’ve seen.
BMK: Thanks again for reading us folks. Next week it’ll be better…I promise.
This post was written/compiled while listening to The Return of the King soundtrack and a little voice inside my head saying don’t look back, you can never look back.
THUD Picks Week 10
Week Ten — um…Big Ben?!??
D.T.: Interesting week of football, that week nine was. The Brady/Manning match-up we were all anticipating as setting the world on fire ended up a different kind of stunner than expected. Peyton reminded us how susceptible he is to pressure, and Gronk was a real problem for the Denver defense, like we predicted. There were quite a few other shocks around the league and, with a few exceptions, this week looks to keep that momentum going.
BMK: Another week in the books. Another loss for Krol.
Look DT, before you start acting all a’fool up in the Pacific Northwest because you’re winning, remember if I pick our home team, they’re going to lose. So, if you add in all those victories past week 2, I’m only one behind you. So ease up chief, before I fly down to AZ and TP your house.
Anyway, week 10 is generally when the NFL starts looking to the winter, and thoughts of playoff seeding (and love) start to dominate the minds of the young men who play NFL football. Soon we’ll know if these teams are who we thought they were. So…on to the picks…
BROWNS at BENGALS
D.T.: Are the Jaguars improving, or are the Bengals experiencing some real difficulties? Last week, the Cincinnati squad allowed Bortles and his ragtag band of future Londoners 23 points. The only team to allow the Jaguars more was the Browns in week 7, which resulted in Jacksonville’s only win so far. Now, these two divisional rivals meet for the first time this year, in what will no doubt be a battle of man vs self, more than man vs man.
If we’re counting gingers as men, mind you.
I’m going with my gut, and guessing that the Browns find a way to mess up less than the Gio Bernard-less Bengals (even if they do have AJ Green back).
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns have a better record than the 49ers. Let that sink in for a second. I’ll write it again: the Browns have a better record than the 49ers. And they did it with Brian Hoyer.
I’m seriously rooting for Hoyer the Destroyer. So long as Hoyer’s succeeding, Johnny “Future Trade Bait to the Cowboys” Football will keep riding the pine. That’s something which everyone can appreciate.
BROWNS
—–
CHIEFS at BILLS
D.T.: Last week, the Chiefs took the pieces of the already broken Jets team and smashed them a little more. The Bills had their bye week, and I’m sure thought long and hard about how they’re going to beat anyone besides said Jets, without any Running Backs.
Don’t cry, Fred. At least the Bills have Sammy Watkins.
The Bills are going to have their work cut out of them, trying to take on a Chiefs team hitting their stride. They still lead the league in interceptions, and it’ll be that secondary that decides the outcome of this game — and Alex Smith is no stranger to interceptions. The way the Chiefs are playing lately, though? I have to give this week to them.
CHIEFS
BMK: I’m going to deviate from the norm here and take the Bills. Looking at the numbers, the Bills aren’t a terrible defensive unit and all the Chiefs have going for them offensively is Jamaal Charles. Granted, that’s a pretty good person to have on your side, but I think the Bills will find a way to slow him down.
BILLS
—-
DOLPHINS at LIONS
D.T.: The fabled return of Megatron. Or so they say. I have to say that I’m a little more than skeptical about his absence — a high ankle sprain has sidelined players for far less time. There seems to be a trend in the league this year of high-profile players choosing not to play for flimsy reasons, with Calvin Johnson and Jadeveon Clowney being amongst them.
Lunch? Hell yeah! I’ll just tell the Texans I have the sniffles.
Then you have other players like Fred Jackson, who I poked fun at above but highly respect, leaving the field in tears, knowing they won’t be back for a while. It’s a strange dichotomy.
Anyway, the Lions have marched right along during Johnson’s absence, with their defense doing much of the heavy lifting. It’ll be interesting to see how Stafford improves with his best receiver lining up again. The two share a similar dynamic to Brady and Gronkowski, where the former is improved overall by the latter. Will we see an explosive display like what took place when the Lions walked over the Giants? How will Golden Tate factor in, being dropped down to WR2 status? Will Megatron simply be a decoy again, with limited reps?
The Dolphins are celebrating success this season, having just completely shut out and embarrassed the San Diego Chargers. Their 5-3 record is well-earned, but they’ve struggled against stout, oft-underestimated defenses. And that’s telling of the possible outcome of this game, as both teams currently sport the two top-ranked defenses in the league. The ‘Fins struggled against both the Bills and Chiefs this year, which have secondaries known for creating turnovers and shutting out the passing game. Ryan Tannehill’s chemistry with his receiver corp will be put to the test in this match-up.
This game could be a fucking shoot out, or these two defenses could hold the game to as much action as Tim Tebow’s prom night.
It’s okay, Tim, you won’t be a virgin forever. Jesus will find you a wife, someday.
However, I’m going to say that the dual threat of Miami’s offense and defense will be more effective than Detroit, with the return of a long-inactive Johnson.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Ryan Tannehill is playing pretty well lately, but I don’t trust them on the road in Detroit. Here’s why: Dolphins are sea creatures and Lions are land creatures. I don’t care how badass a sea creature is, if he’s on the land, he sucks. Unless they’re sharks caught in a tornado.
Oh hell, did I really make a Sharknado reference? As David Byrne once sang, “My God, what have I done?”
All bullshit aside, I’m going with the Lions because they’re at home. Safford is a better QB than Tannehill, despite his improvements, and the Lions are 2nd ranked run defense in the league, which I think will negate the Dolphins 4th ranked rushing attack and make them one dimensional.
These guys would like to talk to you about your virginity, Tim…
LIONS
—–
COWBOYS at JAGUARS
D.T. The third and final game of the season played in London. No more fan bases getting a home game ripped away from them. Until next season, when Goodell plans to expand the International Series to five games.
How about this: London keeps the fucking Jaguars. They get a whole season of home games each year, and the rest of the 31 teams don’t get screwed. Hell, let’s throw in the Raiders too.
COWBOYS
BMK: While originally the term powerviolence included stylistically diverse bands, powerviolence generally refers to bands who musically focus on speed, brevity, bizarre timing breakdowns, and constant tempo changes. Powerviolence songs are often very short; it is not uncommon for some to last less than twenty seconds. Some groups, particularly Man Is the Bastard, Plutocracy, and No Le$$ took influence from progressive rock, and jazz fusion.
Powerviolence groups tend to be very raw and underproduced, both sonically and in their packaging. Some groups (Man Is the Bastard and Dystopia) took influence from anarcho-punk and crust punk, emphasizing animal rights and anti-militarism. Groups such as Despise You and Lack of Interest wrote lyrics about misanthropy, drugs, and inner-city issues. Groups such as Spazz or Charles Bronson, on the other hand, wrote lyrics mocking points of interest for hardcore and metal fans, or even used inside jokes for lyrics, referencing specific people many of their listeners would not know.
Other groups associated with powerviolence included Noothgrush, The Locust, Dystopia, Assück, His Hero Is Gone, Black Army Jacket,Hellnation, Charles Bronson, and Rorschach. The doom metal group Burning Witch also released on Slap-A-Ham and played shows with powerviolence groups.
COWBOYS
—–
49ERS at SAINTS
D.T.: The Saints really needed their divisional win against the Panthers last week, boosting them to the top of the NFC South. The Niners really did NOT need their crushing divisional loss to the Rams, which dropped them down to third place in the NFC West. And it’s not like they played a hard-fought game and were robbed. They’re in a really bad way, and played like shit against a team they’re easily superior to. Their spirits are simply broken, and the rumors of Jim Harbaugh being disliked and probably leaving at the end of the season are looming over their heads again. The Saints, on the other hand, look to be in the midst of an up-trend, mirroring the way the Packers turned their season around after a rocky start. Brees is back on point, Ingram is in top form, and the New Orleans team looks poised for a victory on the emotional, physical and scoring fronts.
Kaepernick has a habit of getting tattoos after failed seasons. I have a suggestion for his next trip to the parlor:
SAINTS
BMK: Last week the 49ers lost and this loss was squarely on the shoulders of Greg Roman. Why in the world wasn’t Frank Gore used in a goal line situation? Can anyone explain to me?
I have a theory about why the 49ers keep blowing it during critical situations. Basically it comes down to hubris. Harbaugh and Kaepernick want to prove that they’re the man, collectively and individually, and so dumb plays like a QB Sneak get called when Frank Gore would’ve scored. Or Kaepernick throwing to Crabtree when he’s not open during the NFC title game.
Seriously, once you view the 49ers though that prism, all the baffling decisions they’ve made make sense.
She helped me with my insights this week…
SAINTS
—–
TITANS at RAVENS
D.T.: Roethlisberger made an absolute mess of the Ravens’ secondary last week, throwing for six touchdowns, and achieving the record for most touchdowns in two consecutive games (with a staggering 12). The Ravens contained the Steelers’ running game, but what sort of accomplishment is that when the other team’s quarterback throws a touchdown every time he gets handed the ball? This week, they take on the Titans who are fresh off a bye after a humiliating loss against the Texans. They’re rolling out with a rookie quarterback in Zack Mettenberger… man, is it just me, or is the list of starting Quarterbacks in the NFL beginning to read like a sports bar menu?
Anyway, the Ravens defense should be terrifying for Mettenberger, who will probably find himself on the wrong end of a few turnovers and tackles. It’ll be the Ravens here, folks.
RAVENS
BMK: I’lll have a Mettenberger with a side of ignominious defeat.
RAVENS
—–
STEELERS at JETS
D.T.: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than Neil Diamond on tour in 1972.
STEELERS
BMK: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than me in 1995!
Seriously, who could’ve resisted me…besides everyone.
STEELERS
—–
FALCONS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The Bucs are no doubt still smarting after the absolute fucking pounding they took the last time they faced the Falcons. They’re going to play with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they’re probably going to psyche themselves out. The Falcons will want to increase their winning record to an earth-shattering three, and as long as they don’t underestimate Tampa Bay, they’ll probably earn it. They’ll have Running Back Antone Smith and Defensive Lineman Jonathan Babineaux back on the roster — one ready to punch through Tampa’s bottom-feeding defense, and the other ready to ruin Josh McCown’s day (McCown having recently been named starter over the floundering Mke Glennon). The Bucs do have some weapons in their arsenal, though, like… um…
Uh…
BMK: Yeah Lovie, McCown is going to solve your problems…
Can anyone believe how crappy the NFC South is this year? It’s the weakest division in football, which makes no sense to me, given that football is a religion in the south, and a great many current NFL players went to “school” in the SEC.
Anyway, watching this game will be about as pleasant as watching Rosanne Barr sodomize Mitch McConnell while you’re having a colonoscopy. Avoid at all costs.
FALCONS
—–
BRONCOS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Someone must have sat Peyton Manning down and had a talk with him. He seemed strangely calm and accepting during the Broncos’ nasty loss against the Patriots last week– which is a stark contrast of his angry outbursts in the game against the Chargers, which went entirely his way.
This week, however, he should be all smiles. There won’t be any noise coming from the Oakland crowd, and they probably haven’t paid the electric bill for their scoreboard. Or the salary of their scoreboard operator.
BRONCOS
BMK: Peyton’s going to tear through the Raider’s secondary like I tear through Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster. By the way, try the Sirancha grilled shrimp at Red Lobster. As Kelly LeBrock said in Weird Science, “Hurts so good!”
BRONCOS
—–
RAMS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Both of these teams are having a laugh at the expense of their mutual divisional rivals, the Niners. The Rams are a scrappy, determined team capable of beating the Niners in a low-scoring, low-energy upset, but what they’ll find in Arizona will be anything but. The Cardinals are riding high on somehow achieving a 7-1 record, and beating nearly every challenge placed in front of them. The Rams will be hard-pressed to cover the unpredictable Cardinals passing offense, and the agility of Running Back Andre Ellington. What we’re going to see here is a lot of explosive defensive work on both sides, and the Cardinals offense scoring early and holding the Rams to a low-score into the second half. The Rams will find a way to catch up and put pressure on Arizona, but the Cardinals are a solid home team and will find a way to land another divisional win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game gives me all sorts of worries. The Rams beat Seattle (though, to be fair, it took some serious heroics that, if they hadn’t worked, would have gotten Fisher run out of town), and they made the 49ers formerly elite offensive line look as about as effective as a dolphin fighting a lion on land. On paper the Cardinals should handle the Rams easily. This has all the makings of a trap game.
I’m going with the Rams. Mostly because I’m superstitious.
RAMS
—–
GIANTS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Possibly the most even-matched game this week? The Giants have lost their last three games in a row, but each has been against offensive powerhouses — something you couldn’t really call the Seahawks this season. The ‘Hawks are averaging about 25 points per game and though their defense is ranked in the top five, they’re struggling to keep their heads above water, just barely edging out their last three victories over the Rams, Panthers and Raiders (what weird fucking note to end that sentence on). Manning is less questionable than each of these teams’ quarterbacks, even with his shaky receiver corps (and his tendency so far to neglect Odell Beckham, Jr. who appears to have a high ceiling), and the ‘Hawks are holding teams to fewer yards, but failing to keep teams from converting on third downs. If Eli Manning can keep a cool head and spread the ball around instead of wasting opportunities on Ruben Randle, the Giants will have a shot. However, it’s Seattle at home, and that stadium is likely to keep the under-confident Giants from developing any sort of rhythm. I’m giving it to the Seahawks.
Pete Carroll informs the team that D.T. is not only going to be at the game, but has picked them to win.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: The Seahawks are sliding. Their offense is pedestrian, and their pass rush isn’t what it used to be. Hell, if Oakland hadn’t Oaklanded these cats would have lost to the Raiders. I trust them less than I trust DT when my beer is unprotected.
Of course, they’re playing the Giants at home. So while they’re not what they used to be, they don’t suck either.
SEAHAWKS
—–
BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: These two NFC North rivals meet again for the second time this season. The Bears have found themselves at the very bottom of the NFC North after their loss to the Patriots, and the Packers suffered quite a shocking lost to the Saints. Both teams have had time to lick their wounds and formulate strategies for this divisional match-up. Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers especially should have benefited from the week nine bye, which couldn’t have come at a better time for his week 8 hamstring injury. If he’s back to 100% and willing to make substitutions to keep the team fresh (failure to do so against the Saints left the Packers offense visibly exhausted), they should do just fine against the Chicago secondary. The Bears are in a do or die situation, and despite having started the season as a strong road team, they’re slipping in a big way. I don’t know if a difficult divisional game against a bitter rival is where they’ll right the ship.
PACKERS
BMK: Ugh. The Bears. Jay “Neckbeard of the North” is just not getting it done, and this isn’t the game that will right the ship either.
Respectfully, the Bears slipping was always going to happen this season. They aren’t particularly talented on either side of the ball (some bright spots, like Brandon Marshall not withstanding), and the NFC North has some heavyweight players in it. Basically, whenever you see the Bears you’re watching the physical expression of reverting to the mean. You’re also watching what happens when players try following a recalcitrant guy who’s allergic to razors.
PACKERS
—–
PANTHERS at EAGLES
D.T.: The Panthers’ defense has had a tough time of it. The loss of Greg Hardy took more out of them than most expected, and on the other side of the ball, Cam Newton has been playing with a real lack of confidence. The Eagles are at a precarious crossroads, too. Starting Quarterback Nick Foles has suffered a broken collarbone which has him sidelined for six to eight weeks. The speed of their hurry up offense has already taken a big hit this season, and it’ll slow down even more with notorious chicken tender enthusiast, and offensive lineman ass fetishist, Mark Sanchez at the helm. We’re not going to see the same no-huddle energy out of the Eagles for the remainder of this season, and the Panthers would do well to find ways to exploit that. And if Cam Newton can regain his groove, finding his receivers again, the Panthers could win this.
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry for this.
PANTHERS
BMK: Cam Newton, look upon the Sanchise. That’s where you’ll be after your rookie contract is up.
EAGLES
—–
And there we have it! Week 10 of terribly-justified picks that would make professional analysts piss themselves. And give Jon Gruden an excuse for this particular case of pissing himself. Next week holds only two games that look exciting on paper, so savor this week for all it’s worth. I’ll be savoring this sweet, sweet lead I have over Krol.
Yeah yeah yeah…
This post was written and compiled to the sound of my flagging manhood. And the Who.
An Immodest Proposal Pt 2.: The Column
Here is the sample column I sent to Above the Law. You can read about that in the previous post.
Pop Law: Frodo and the Attorney of Personal Injury
Editor’s Note: The following appears as Appendix B12.8 in the forthcoming re-issue of Return of the King,
and is reprinted with the generous permission of the Tolkien estate.
Frodo: Thank you for fitting me into your busy schedule Mr. Hermwyn. I know this was short-notice.
Hermwyn: No problem Frodo. Who am I to refuse a meeting with the Hobbit that saved Middle-Earth?
Frodo: You’re too kind. I had a lot of help along the way. And, if anything, it was Gollum that saved
Mouth of Sauron? More like Mouthpiece of Sauron, amirite???
Middle-Earth by being such an enormous douche and falling into Mt. Doom.
Hermwyn: That is true. So — what can I help you with today?
Frodo: Well, I want to explore what my options are to sue Sauron for the injuries I received when I was in
Mordor. Specifically, when his giant spider Shelob stung me.
Hermwyn: Hmmm…I see.
Frodo: The way I see it, Sauron should’ve known that Shelob would do something like that. I mean, she’s a
giant spider after all. They tend to sting people and drink their blood. What do you think?
Hermwyn: Frodo, this is a difficult question.
Frodo: Really? I talked to Eremong over in Minas Tirith before talking to you and he thinks I have a case.
Hermwyn: Well, you do, it’s just…
Frodo: What? I want my money!
Hermwyn: Okay kid, let me spin this out for you. First, the good news: you do have a case. We can
definitely get Sauron for your injuries since he would be strictly liable for any injuries caused by Shelob.
See, we’ll go to him and say, “Hey, pal, you needed to keep that spider of yours on a leash or something to
keep her from running around and stinging anyone.” He’ll, of course, point out that you were a trespasser
and, therefore, owes you no duty of care whatsoever. We’ll come back and say, “Listen dude, you keep her
there as a guard dog. You know she’s there, you know what she does, and you don’t remove her. Why?
Cause you like having a giant spider watching the Secret Stairs over by Cirith Ungol. And since she’s your
guard dog, you are required to at least post a sign to warn everyone about the danger. And since you did
not, you owe my client for damages for his injuries that Shelob caused.”
Frodo: Sounds good.
Hermyn: Well, sort of. He’ll come back and say that Shelob wasn’t a watch dog but rather a wild animal
that happened to take residence on his land. He may have a point here, since his relationship with Shelob is
ambiguous at best. But I’ll get that orc…uh..what’s his name…the one that found you?
Frodo: Gorbag.
Hermyn: That’s right. We’ll get him to testify that Shelob is Sauron’s guard dog over there. He owes me a
favor anyway. I got him off on an Ag Assault charge years ago. Denethor wanted to toss him in the
dungeon but I took care of it.
Frodo: Well, this all sounds good. Let’s do it! I need me some Sauron money. Those Sackville-Bagginses
are sucking me dry.
Hermyn: Yeah, but here’s the thing kid: you really want to get into a legal pissing contest with the Lord of
the Dark Land? I guarantee you he’ll come at you with destruction of property and trespassing. Plus I’m
hearing all sorts of rumors of Mordor orcs preparing negligence lawsuits against you relating to the
destruction of Barad-Dur. That might end up as a class-action. And Faramir was just in here yesterday
asking about suing you for Boromir’s portion of profits from your book.
Fordo: Faramir?
Hermyn: Yeah, your buddy Faramir wants some of your book dough, pal.
Frodo: I can’t believe it.
Hermyn: Believe it. From what I can see, you’re in for a tough year my friend.
Frodo: Well…what can I do?
Hermyn: You want some advice? Here’s what you do. I’m hearing that, in a few weeks, Gandalf and some
of his elf pals are saying “Peace out” to Middle-Earth and taking a boat across the sea. If you want, I can
make some inquiries and see what it’ll cost to get you on that boat. After that, if you name me your agent, I
can make sure that your book royalties are forwarded to the Undying Lands. From what I understand, suing
someone over in the far green country is costly and time consuming. And maybe this will get the orcs to
drop their lawsuits and give Eowyn enough time to spit out some kids and keep Faramir too busy to sue
anyone.
Frodo: Eowyn. Huh. She’s such a crown-fu****.
Hermyn: Don’t I know it. Who do you think handled Aragorn’s restraining order against her?
Frodo: Good job.
Hermyn: Thanks. So what do you say Kid? Go with plan B?
Frodo: Yeah…that makes the most sense. I need to get out of here anyway. Sam and Rosie are the most
annoying couple anywhere. Top, Middle, or Lower Earth, you name it. They’re irritating.
Hermyn: I bet. Okay, I’ll check with Gandalf and see what I can do about the boat. This really is the best
plan, Frodo. In fact, even if you had a case against Sauron, I’d doubt we could sue him anyway.
Frodo: Why?
Hermwyn: Well, to sue someone, you need to service them with notice. And you just don’t walk into
Mordor and serve Sauron…
Oh Dear God…
Normally I try to keep this blog politics free, but Jesus Fucking Christ, this little bit from Joe Klein over at Time’s Swampland made my head hurt. Check it out:
The left–including the Martha Vineyard and Hamptons liberals who, by all reports, have been kvetching about the President over their Chablis this summer–
Even Benedict hates our media
Seriously? Klein, you pull down a million a year without breaking a sweat. Where the fuck do you vacation — the Bronx? I hate this faux blue collar bullshit from people who’s only exposure to people from the lower tax brackets is limited, at best. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is, as a writer, he’s trucking in one stupid hoary cliche. Really, Klein, what do rich conseratives drink? PBR?
Well, maybe that a-hole from the Coors family…
Random Anecdote #2
Earlier this century, I attended a hockey game at US Airways arena in Phoenix. I had two tickets to the “Ice Den” portion of the arena, so I took my friend Phil who lived above me. He was later immortalized in a song John E. GO! wrote called Phil’s Apartment.
US Airways was not a good place to see a hockey game. The sight lines were poor and depending on where you sat in the upper level, a good third of the ice wasn’t visible. The Ice Den, where Phil and I were that night, was a section sort of underneath the main seats, directly behind the Coyotes goal and level with the ice. There were actual seats, but still, it really sucked to sit there. To make up for that fact, the Coyotes marketing staff would do things between periods for the people sitting there. Like giving away t-shirts and stuff like that.
A 6'4", 280 lbs man wearing this will get anyone's attention.
About midway through the first period, a nice looking young woman came in and asked, really loud, if anyone wanted to ride the Zamboni. I stood up immediately, extended my arms wide and yelled, “Me!” I was wearing the old style green and orange Coyotes jersey and I’m a large man. I attracted her attention and she picked me.
Right before the period ended, she came by my seat and got me. I waited for the Zamboni in the back corridors of the arena. I remember it was dim and there were lots of dark taupe colored bars and pipes winding around the superstructure of the arena. Before the Zamboni picked me up, I saw three men in suits walking swiftly towards me. The guy in front was shorter than the two behind him and had sand colored, curly hair. As he came closer I recognized him. It was Wayne Gretzky, then the Coyotes President. He nodded at us as be breezed by, smiling. Friendly enough, I decided.
The Zamboni came and picked me up and we went out onto the ice. The Coyotes were playing the Colorado Avalanche that night so I made sure to taunt and jeer the fans as we drove around the ice. I think the Coyotes were losing at that point, so I was being a big a-hole for no reason. Oh well — it wasn’t the first time, that’s for sure.
After we smoothed out and resurfaced the ice the Zamboni headed back into the tunnels. I got off, thanked the driver and marketing person, and walked back to my seat. As I was walking, Gretzky and his guys were coming the other direction. He smiled and nodded and, as he walked by, he said, “Good job.” I think I said thanks or something similarly lame, but after I got back to my seat, I told Phil what happened and I realized that I had gotten a “Good job” from the Great One, Wayne Gretzky. There are people who are playing in the NHL that have never gotten a “Good job” from Gretzky. I think that makes me King of Canada or something.
The Coyotes ended up winning that game. Goaltender Patrick Roy being ejected helped, I’m sure.
Ruminations, etc.. 