Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: So, Krol, what deal did you make with the devil to boost your picks from week nine? We’re tied up now, and I can’t think of an earthly reason why. I kid, of course, but there were some fucking wacky games this week, and out of 13 match-ups, I picked an astounding four of them correctly. This season has been fucked up, and it’s only getting more fucked up.

BMK: I’m with you, DT. This season has been fucked up. But the important part is that I’m neck and neck with you, Mr. I Actually Know Things about Football. So ha!

On to the picks!

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BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get this division. The only thing that ever makes any sense is the Patriots, and that’s depressing.

Last week, both Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins returned to the field, and mopped the floor with the Dolphins. This week they go against another divisional rival, and try to do the same to Rex Ryan’s old team. Which team will Rex be coaching when he takes on the Bills next season? I’m at a loss trying to make heads or tails of the Dolphins, Bills and Jets. If I was a serious fan of these teams, I’d be exhausted by now. My pick?

JETS
BMK: I’m going with the Jets also. Mostly because Sexy Rexy irritates me and I think Ryan Fitzpatrick has the most epic beard in the NFL right now. So there’s no way they can lose. NONE!

JETS
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LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Now here’s a division that makes sense. The Packers are great and always will be. The Vikings will always sneak up and try to upset. The Bears and Lions are destined to be terrible for a while yet, regardless of who Detroit fires in their rage-quit.

PACKERS

BMK: When I think of the Lions, I picture a diminutive Martha Ford walking through the offices like the Angel of Death of the old testament, firing people willy-nilly, while Jim Caldwell cowers in his office, like Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. If I’m feeling especially perverse, I picture Ford walking up to Caldwell and laying a “I pardon you,” on him like Ralph Fiennes did in Schindler’s List, and then just walking away.

Yeah, this football column made a Schindler’s List and Terminator reference.

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COWBOYS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I may have lost my ability to see who will win, but I’ve been right on the money about which games will be spectacles, for good or bad. The Cowboys/Eagles game ended up being an shootout that went into overtime, with both QBs firing off passes for nearly 300 yards a piece. More on that later. For now, expect this game to be another weird one, because neither of these teams are predictable. Both boast QBs who are more than solid on a good day, terrible the next, and runners who can be absolutely explosive if they can break loose. I’m gonna go with the Cowboys, just because Matt Cassel shocked the shit out of me last week.

COWBOYS

BMK: Good God, this game is a dilemma. I’ve been burned taking both of these teams.  DT lays the case against both pretty well up there. Me?  I’m pretty anti Cowboys right now, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick Tampa Bay.

Incidentally, I originally called this game a Hobbesian choice. HOWEVER, research showed me that having to make a choice between two shitty football teams is not a Hobbesian choice. A Hobbesian choice is a choice between something and nothing. So, for example, a Hobbesian choice would be me choosing to not date anyone else besides Kat Dennings.

BUCCANEERS

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PANTHERS at TITANS

D.T.: I mean, seriously. The Titans knocked off the fuckin’ Saints, and Mariota out-threw Drew Brees?! Fuck you, Ken Whisenhunt. The Titans were out to make a statement last week, and they made it: you won’t be the head coach of another NFL team for a long time. However, that statement may be cut short when they come up against the Panthers this week – the team who took down the Packers and held on to an 8-0 record. The Titans will fight hard, but they’re outmatched this week.

PANTHERS

BMK: Cam Newton is a sociopath, but he should be able to beat the Titans. Remember the Titans?

PANTHERS

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BEARS at RAMS

D.T.: The Rams found themselves in a nail-biter of a dirty match against the Vikings last week. In their quest to destroy every Quarterback they cross, they managed to knock Teddy Bridgewater out cold, leaving everyone watching stunned and concerned for that little guy’s safety. Minnesota would come back to secure a narrow win after giving the Rams the kick-off in overtime. I don’t know which hurt more: Teddy’s severe concussion, or Foles knowing that team did not fear him at all.

This week, the Rams and Bears square off, and Jay Cutler might actually be murdered on the field.

RAMS

BMK: I hate picking teams that I despise, and I despise the Rams.  Yet, I can’t take the Bears. The Monsters of the Midway suck this year, and will for the foreseeable future. The Rams are on the upswing, which means that scumbag Greg Williams is still employed.

RAMS

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SAINTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The educated guess on this one goes to the Saints, but could either of these two teams be any more difficult to read? Their fans have had a tough time of it, too. The Who Dats prematurely accept defeat every week, while the Redskins were so amped over a one point win in week 7 that a small culture phenomenon sprouted in DC, completely with t-shirts and a catchphrase.

The Saints really need a win after last week. I think they’ll get it.

SAINTS

BMK: Oh, who cares?

SAINTS

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DOLPHINS at EAGLES

D.T.: Things were looking up for the ‘Fins after they fired Coach Philbin. They had some nice, soft wins over the Titans and Texans… but it all came crashing down after they were mercilessly pummeled by the Patriots in week eight, and I don’t think they’ve recovered. This week, I see them continuing on that downslope and losing to an Eagles team still working to widen the gap in their division, and find themselves an identity.

EAGLES

BMK: The Eagles are going to commit Battery on Dantellica’s Dolphins. The game will be so bade, that Nothing Else Matters except ending it. The Dolphins can ask St. Anger for help, but there is no St. Anger, so they’ll end up just being Frantic during the game.  Here’s hoping that the Eagles don’t Kill Em All.

And finally: Master of Puppets.

EAGLES

PS: If you don’t get what I’m doing up there, it’s simple. Miami Dolphins coach, Dan Campbell, only listens to Metallica. Which is, quite frankly, a baffling lifestyle choice. Anyway, those are Metallica song titles up there. Read the paragraph again with this new knowledge and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. And if not, you can send your complaints to DTCarel@Gmail.com

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BROWNS at STEELERS

D.T.: If ever the Browns had a chance at getting in some nice jabs at their dominating rival, this is it. Cheeseburger is out with yet another leg injury, and while Landry has proven himself a better QB2 than Vick, that offense is still not what it is without Ben and Le’Veon. The Browns will get in a few digs, but I expect the Steelers to figure out a way to win, as losing at home to the Browns is basically not an option  (sorry, Mangy).

STEELERS

BMK: If Cheeseburger plays, the Steelers are going to win. If Landry Jones plays, the Steelers are going to win. Hell, if I played the Steelers are going to win.

Actually, they probably won’t if I play, but you get the idea…

STEELERS

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JAGUARS at RAVENS

D.T.: Anticipation for this game is deader than the dude Ray Lewis definitely probably maybe didn’t have a hand in murdering.

RAVENS

BMK: Speaking of Ray Lewis and things that are dead, word is that Ray Ray is dropping a hot track on the world next week. That should be wonderful.

Oh? So what’s dead? Simple: my interest in music.

RAVENS

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VIKINGS at RAIDERS

D.T.: With Teddy probably out (cold, hahahaha!) for week 10, this is the Raiders game to win or lose. They came really close to beating the Steelers next week, and keep solidifying themselves as a team on the rise. They’re gonna keep going with that, this week.

RAIDERS

BMK: Around the East Bay, anticipation is higher for this game than Donald Faison was at Zach Braff’s bar mitzvah.

Even though they burned me last week, I’m taking the Raiders. Especially since Bridgewater hasn’t cleared concussion protocols yet.  And by the way, the hit on Bridgewater was absolutely dirty.

RAIDERS

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PATRIOTS at GIANTS

D.T.: Has the guy in charge of NFL scheduling been checked for a signs of a stroke lately?

PATRIOTS

BMK: This game reminds me of that scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules is telling Ringo about his philosophy. See, I want to believe that the Giants will beat the Patriots, but that shit aint so. But I’m trying…I’m trying really hard.

Aaaaand it’s gone.

PATRIOTS

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CHIEFS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Denver’s match-up with Indy last week was 99% psychological, and there was no other way it could have been, despite the current status of both teams. Each time the Broncos have visited “The House That Manning Built”, the Colts have made it their mission to make a statement, and especially so after the firing of Pep Hamilton (you’re welcome for that, America). The game was close, and could have been a Denver win had Aqib Talib not unintentionally walked right over to Dwayne Allen, interrupted his conversation with Von Miller and placed his fingers through his facemask and into his right eye.

So, the Broncos are going to have to face their Kansas City rivals without the cornerback who’s been responsible for more wins this season than Peyton Manning. And with the track record of difficult and stressful games between Denver and KC, they’re going to feel his absence. Still, Denver has a commanding lead in the AFC West, so the pressure of winning this game isn’t as heavy as it could be. Their biggest obstacle on Sunday will be containing the Chiefs run game (which is still effective, without Jamaal Charles) and getting their own going (which is firmly in the toilet).

BRONCOS

BMK: DTs going to be at this game. So I’m going with the Chiefs. Because I’m an A-HOLE!

CHIEFS

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CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Bias aside, anyone who isn’t excited about this match-up and calling it their game of the week is either ignorant about the sport, or a Niners fan. Which, coincidentally, are synonymous.

The Seahawks are still at the top of the NFC West food chain, and until someone else knocks them off, they’ll stay that way in the eyes of everyone. To be the team that dethrones them, the Cardinals will have to accomplish two things: pressure Russell Wilson by destroying that ailing Seattle O-Line, and pressuring Seattle’s receivers even harder. Much of Seattle’s success this season has come from opposing defensive backs giving up on coverage, thinking Wilson will get sacked. That’s exactly what Seattle wants, and pressuring Wilson into throwing imperfect passes to well-covered Seattle receivers will win this game. It’s up to Arizona to decide if they want to be that team, or go into Seattle with the yips and let the ‘Hawks run their usual tricks.

CARDINALS

BMK: Can I be honest? (I don’t know…can you?) I don’t know if I’m even going to watch this game. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

But, with my serious football analyst hat on (shut up), I think I’m going with the Seahawks to win this game.  I think the Cardinals, on the whole, are a better team than the Seahawks, but this game is a prime time game and it’s against a team that’s eaten their lunch the last few years.  Not a good combination for this team.

DT spells out how AZ can beat them on the podcast, but it’s easier said than done. I’m not optimistic that they can. But then again, when am I optimistic about this team?  Answer: never.

SEAHAWKS

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TEXANS at BENGALS

D.T.: …and a not so great week ends with a whimper. The only advantage the Texans have this week is that they’re coming off a bye week. I’m sure JJ Watt would love to get some sacks on the Red Rifle, but any Texan victories this week will be individual marks.

BENGALS

BMK: Really?

BENGALS

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D.T.: And now I’m off to Denver, Colorado for a long weekend of breweries, women with really nice asses, and I also get to see Peyton Manning break the all-time record for passing yardage… from 30 rows off the field. Hopefully. He’s managed to survive this long into the season, and I hope to the Football Gods that he survives this game, too. And if the Broncos win, he’ll have secured the record for the most wins by a starting QB in league history, as well. I’m rooting for you, Peyton.

Thanks for reading folks, and have a good week!

 

BMK: On Friday, November 13, 2015, the column was running late. Believe it or not, we do have internal deadlines for this stuff, and DT always makes his.  I made a mental note to get to work at 3pm, after I took the dogs out and played some of the new Call of Duty game. When 3pm rolled around, I checked Facebook as one last time suck before I went to work on the column you’re reading now. That’s when I got word of what happened in Paris.

Living in this country, you become sort of sanguine about mass deaths and shootings in public places. But, for some reason, this hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m 40 now and I have an appreciation for life that younger men don’t have, or maybe it was the picture of Paris after 9/11, when they displayed an American Flag outside the Eiffel Tower in a show of solidarity. I honestly don’t know why this hit me harder than any similar events. But it did. Getting up off the couch to be a smartass about football and ogle Kat Dennings seemed like a hollow pursuit. Hell, I didn’t even feel like making fun of Jon Gruden, and to quote Robin Williams, there’s a guy that’s screaming out to be made fun of.

There’s no uplifting end here. I don’t want to bore anyone with some silly bullshit about the unifying and uplifting power of sports, since I don’t think it applies here. I will say that listening to Deadspin’s podcast Deadcast sort of brought me back.  Hearing Drew Magary and Tim Marchman get cheeky about Mizzou and Greg Hardy uplifted my spirits, as did a recording session with the new voice of the 4^th and Krol Podcast, Alexandria Love. However, I’m not French and I’ve never been to Paris. Hell, I’m not even a fan of Eagles of Death Metal, the concert that was attack in Paris. So, of course I got over this quicker than some.

To call this a senseless act perpetrated by criminals would be an insulting understatement. Of course it is. All that’s left for us is to pick up and move on. To the 140 or so that aren’t with us anymore because some dipshit with a gun got a hardon, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I hope there’s justice for you and your family. Maybe there will be. But all the justice in the world won’t bring anyone back.

Anyway, I’ll stop here before this gets anymore Mcweeny-y and maudlin. I just wanted to get these things off my chest.

Vaya con dios, my friends.