Archive for the ‘CHUD Football Picks’ Category
NFL Picks: The Final Week
Week 17, looks like I picked the wrong week to quit methamphetamine.
D.T.: We come to it at last… the final week, and one giant divisional blow-out to end the 2014-15 NFL regulation season. By the time all six of our readers are taking a gander at this final regular season column, they’ll have gained five pounds from pies, fudge, glazed ham and…
“Yamps! Sweet po-tay-to yamps…!”
Gifts will be returned or exchanged. A few head coaches will be returned or exchanged. We’ll all be settled in for one last semi-glorious overdose of all our favorite teams’ back-ups locked into sloppy divisional match-ups for one last day of excuses why it’s okay to drink at 11am.
Or in Ryan Lindley’s case, as soon as the alarm goes off.
It’s gonna be a weird day of football that probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than the NFC South. Shall we kick this mother off, Krol?
BMK: Yes lets. This week features some hot, division-on-division action. A couple of the games actually mean something, even!
And DT, it’s always okay to drink at 11am. That’s what Chuck Bukowski did, and who can argue with Bukowski?
Seriously, look at this dude…
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BROWNS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Browns are completely out of playoff contention, while the Ravens have a chance at landing the sixth seed. What they definitely need to accomplish is a victory over the Browns (which is entirely plausible, and my prediction for the outcome — spoiler alert!) and for the Chiefs to beat or tie with the Chargers… which could be a little more difficult. The Browns are back to Hoyer the Destroyer to try and force an upset, but I don’t think it’ll happen. The Ravens have a lot on the line, they’re playing at home for a place in the post-season, and they’ll come into this game looking for blood.
RAVENS
BMK: Yeah, the Browns don’t stand a chance here. I wish the Browns could have done something this year after their promising start. Oh well. Like Browns fans always say: maybe next year.
I do think it’s funny that after drafting Johnny Football the team is reportedly exploring all options at quarterback. Imagine that. A kid with very few NFL quality football skills and a work ethic worse than mine isn’t making it at the next level of professional sports. Let’s be blunt: Manziel has all the charm and personality of the average tubesteak, but that’s not what really burns my ass about him. No, it’s the fact that, when it comes to Manziel, I actually agree with Merrill Hoge. I see eye-to-eye with Merrill’s analysis of Manziel and his game and that bothers me more than I care to admit.
Suggs scares the stuffing out of me.
Anyway, later Browns. You were good while you lasted.
RAVENS
—–
COWBOYS at REDSKINS
D.T.: The ‘Boys have all but secured the number three seed in the NFC playoff picture, and have knocked off all three of their division rivals. I know how everyone in DC had Christmas dreams of seeing RGIII play in the post season, but sorry, Skins fans: there’s no Santa.
“What about Hanukkah? Do we still have a chance there?”
Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin get one more go-round on the worst field in the league, before their uncertain futures are decided in the coming off-season. Expect the ‘Boys to rest their starters, and for those starters to enjoy a nice victory over a crushed team.
COWBOYS
BMK: I’m pulling for the Cowboys in the post-season this year, since I don’t want Seattle to win another Superbowl and the only way to beat them is with a strong running game, which the Cowboys have. Hopefully they can knock out Seattle in time to get beat later in the post-season, since the only outcome worse than a Seahawks Superbowl is a Jerreh Superbowl. Either way, the Cowboys’s job is done for the regular season. Time to give Romo a rest.
The Redskins…man, what a dysfunctional franchise. The next question is who goes first: Gruden or Griffin? I’m thinking Snyder sides with his QB and ships Gruden off to the Isle of Misfit Coaches (San Diego). After that, RGIII gets another year and another coach to kill and then he’s off to be a career backup somewhere (not Arizona, please not Arizona).
This game also gives me an opportunity to use one of my favorite graphics from DT…
COWBOYS
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COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: What the fuck happened to Andrew Luck last week? Heading into the last stretch of the season, he’s been in a bit of a slump, but their match-up against the Cowboys was ridiculous. He played like the Quarterback version of Trent Richardson.
“Football! Come back, football!”
It’s staggering just how much of the Colts’ success is placed on Luck’s shoulders, and how horribly the team falls apart if he has a bad day. Still, the Colts locked up an easy division and they’re headed for the fourth seed in the AFC. Expect Luck to play a quarter at most, and a game more than worth skipping. Honestly, the 2-13 Titans should just stay home, too.
COLTS
BMK: Really DT? It’s surprising to you how much the Colt’s success is dependent on Luck? This team was a perennial powerhouse when Manning was in charge, then went 1-15 the year Manning was out, after which it became a powerhouse again after Luck was drafted. That pretty much spells QB dependent to me.
COLTS
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SAINTS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The car-crash of a division that no one but those directly involved in care about, but none of us on the outside can look away from. Once again, first place in the division has changed hands — this time to the Panthers. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons are all locked up at 6 wins, with the Panthers ahead by an inch because of that tie with the Bengals. It’s incredible that such an anomaly has had this big of an impact on their division. At any rate, both the Saints and Bucs are out of the post-season running, so here’s another game that no one other than die-hards and coaching staffs will be watching.
“Fuck that. I’m finally going to get caught up on Breaking Bad!”
The winners in this game are the Saints, for finally being put out of their misery.
SAINTS
BMK: I’m going with the Bucs here. I’m behind in picks so I need to start doubling down and winning big. Don’t let me down, Lovie.
BUCS
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EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: Eli Manning’s crowning achievements have been finding a wide receiver who won’t drop his passes, and Peyton Manning throwing more career interceptions than him.
“Hey, Pey.”
“Hi, ‘Li.”
“Just wanted to let you know that you can suck it. I have two rings and fewer INTs now.”
“That’s nice, Eli.”
“And also, I’m Dad’s favorite now. So, go Omaha yourself.”
“Eli, that doesn’t even –“
“Cooper is and always will be my favorite son.”
“…”
“…”
“Merry Christmas, fuckheads.”
EAGLES
BMK: Is the Sanchise still playing? Or have they gone over to Foles? I guess I can google it…Oh well, F it.
EAGLES
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BILLS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: The Patriots have clinched the division and secured home field advantage for the playoffs. Which means they’re likely to be the team representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. The Bills and Dolphins had a nice season too, though, with the Fins likely to eek their way above .500, and the Bills… well, it’s a significant accomplishment for them to have reached 8-8. Maybe the Patriots will be cordial and sit their starters and let the Bills finish with a winning record.
“Or how about not.”
PATRIOTS
BMK: This ought to be a barn burner.
PATRIOTS
—–
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: Believe it or not, the Texans actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of making the playoffs. If that snowball was really, really big and dense, and Satan was kind enough to turn down the heat for a little while.
“Or how about not.”
They pretty much have to win their next game (likely), the Chargers have to beat the Chiefs (possible) and the Browns have to beat the Ravens (nope) for them to be gifted a sixth seed spot in the post-season. That’s way too many variables to fall into place, but stranger things happen. sadly, we’re probably looking at two teams with no real shot at the playoffs instead of just one. Still, the Texans get to go out with a winning record, and a triumphant home game to end on.
TEXANS
BMK: A lot of people think hell is hot. It’s not. It’s cold and snowy. Like Buffalo in the winter. Anyway, the Texans will win this game, JJ Watt will not win the MVP, and the Jaguars will stink again next year. You can take these predictions to the bank. Though I’m not sure why the bank would care…
TEXANS
—–
CHARGERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Chargers have a chance to land the sixth seed, and their fate is their own to control. With no stipulations coming from other teams, all they need to do is beat the Chiefs at home. Which lands their chances at about 50-50, really. Divisional games are always wacky, and Arrowhead is a tough place to play. The Chiefs are looking to play the spoiler here and ruin Philip Rivers’ New Year. But, I have to say, I think Phil is hungry for a post-season appearance, and he’ll pull out all the stops to achieve it.
CHARGERS
BMK: Alex Smith isn’t playing this game since he has a lacerated spleen. That sounds painful. And gross. But I think the Chargers will win this game since they’re be facing the dude not good enough to beat Alex Smith out of a starting job. Which is as pathetic as it sounds.
CHARGERS
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JETS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: It’s Rex Ryan’s going away party, and they’re having it in sunny Miami! There are worse places to walk into, knowing you’ll be fired.
The Jets will put up a fight, as they’re known to do in AFC East games, but it’s the Fins last hurrah in a winning season that – by their standards – isn’t too shabby.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I heard a report this morning that Rex Ryan is already cleaning out his office, and that everyone’s assuming GM Idzik is getting fired too.
I sort of feel bad for Rex Ryan. Yeah, he’s a blowhard with a foot fetish, but these last couple of seasons humbled him a bit. I’m thinking he’ll still be a good head coach somewhere (SF?), but it’s probably time to leave the Jets for greener (har har) pastures.
I don’t know anything about Idzik at all. Except that he can’t pick a QB.
DOLPHINs
—–
BEARS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The NFC North belongs to the Packers and Lions, with those two teams battling it out for the division championship. Meanwhile, the Bears and Vikings are also playing a game. Merely out of formality and contracts and stuff, I guess. The Bears are all out gas, and the Vikings will end the season with a losing record, but not in last place in their division. Which, much as it is in the NFC South, is a victory in itself.
VIKINGS
BMK: I’m so mad at the Bears. I really wanted them to have a good year since that Brandon Marshall kid is so charming on Inside the NFL. But they beat the 49ers a while back, so that’s all that matters.
VIKINGS
—–
RAIDERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Broncos are headed to the playoffs, and the Raiders get news that they’re staying. They just can’t fucking win, can they?
Cheer up, dude. There’s always nex–well, maybe not. You’re pretty well fucked.
BRONCOS
BMK: The Raiders are staying for 2015. They can still – oh, yeah, they’re fucked.
—–
CARDINALS at 49ERS
D.T.: Ryan Lindley showed us that Whisenhunt wasn’t 100% to blame for the utter failure of the Cardinals’ 2012 season. Keeping his not-a-single-touchdown-thrown streak alive, and likely to maintain that record for whatever’s left of his NFL career, he’ll likely be benched in favor of rookie Logan Thomas. The Cardinals had a meteoric rise this season, but they’ve come back down to Earth hard and fast. They’re still playoff-bound, regardless of the outcome of this game, but I don’t expect any more wins out of the injury-devastated team.
NINERS
BMK: This game – and all its implications — is too depressing to talk about.
Pictured: Harbaugh’s meeting with Trent Baalke after the season ends.
NINERS
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LIONS at PACKERS
D.T.: Finally, a game that means something. These two teams are tied up for the division lead, with the winners looking to enjoy a chance at the number two seed, and the losers dropping down to battle it out for the wildcard spot. Looking at the slump these two teams have been in the last couple of weeks, it’s tough to pick a clear winner.
“Oh, I think there’s a clear winner. You don’t see Stafford hanging out with Dana Carvey, do you?”
I’ll trust that Aaron Rodgers brings his A-game this time around, knowing exactly what’s on the line, and knowing that he’s up against a dangerous Lions defense. But, if Matty Stafford can figure his shit out and come to play as well, we could be looking at a fun divisional shoot-out, and the best game of the week.
PACKERS
BMK: This definitely is the game of the week (are we still doing those?) for all the reasons DT mentioned. This is the kind of game that the NFL had in mind when it started scheduling all division game late in the season, not that Buccaneers/Saints dreck that those poor people in Tampa Bay will be forced to watch.
I’m hoping the Lions win this one since I don’t think Green Bay is built for a deep playoff run. Yeah, Aaron Rodgers can play lights out, but their defense leaks like an Adult Baby’s Diaper. The Pack will never beat Seattle with that defense (or with that attitude!), so it’s best just to get Green Bay fans’s inevitable disappointment out of the way early.
LIONS
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RAMS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Seahawks keep showing us that in a battle of stout defenses, it’s the team with the offensive edge that will win. Such will be the case here. If Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch’s current hot streaks aren’t enough to convince, consider the fact that winning this game lands them the division title, and they’re playing at home. You made us proud with your scrappy refusal to give up, Rams, but here’s where your heart-warming story comes to a close. Here’s to next year.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This game is like the recent Hobbit sequel: it’s long, it’s unnecessary, and the outcome doesn’t change anything for anyone. One question though: when will the Rams figure out Jeff Fisher aint a good coach?
SEAHAWKS
—–
PANTHERS at FALCONS
D.T.: Whoever wins this game wins the division and hosts a game in the playoffs. So, what we’re basically looking at is the opportunity for a team to win a fucking mess of a division, then lose at home in the first round of the playoffs. Might as well be the Falcons, I guess, because I don’t think Cam Newton’s going to get it done.
FALCONS
BMK: I’m going with the Panthers here. Mostly because I’m hoping against hope that the Cardinals face them in the first round and maybe get a win.
PANTHERS
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BENGALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Both of these teams are headed for the playoffs, and the Bengals likely to yet another first-round elimination. Anything can happen in the NFL (and sometimes does), but they’re a team of such highs and lows and that doesn’t cut it when you’ve reached the highest level of competition in arguably the most physically competitive professional sport. The Steelers will find a way to win at home, clinch the division and move up into the number three seed in the AFC.
BMK: Oh Andy Dalton…you’ve burned me so many times before this year…but not as bad as you burned the Brown family with your contract. Hiyo.
Anyway, these two teams are going to the playoffs but neither will go very far. The AFC belongs to the Patriots. And to Jesus. But mostly to the Patriots.
—–
DT: And that’s that. As we move on to the playoffs portion of the article, I’d like to thank those of you who’ve been reading all season (hey dad), and thank my esteemed and hilarious partner, Krol, for inviting me on board to knock this bad boy out each week. It’s been a privilege being your personal suicide hotline during each Cardinals game, and spending Sundays laughing like idiots at things Colt McCoy’s neck problems.
Oh, and I’m totally ahead in picks again, but we’re having a moment, so I won’t gloat.
BMK: Thanks to all the readers and thanks to DT. This column could be done without DT, but it would suck. So a very public thank you to a guy that’s been my huckleberry these past 17+ weeks.
Also, thank you to Nick Nunziata. We couldn’t of done this – oh, wait. We did.
Anyway, this has been a lot of fun. Especially when we took cheap shots at people and teams we don’t like. Which is pretty much everyone. So ha-ha. SUCK IT BUFFALO!
Finally, some pictures of the Goddess herself…
Thanks again…it’s been a blast.
DTs victory should come with an asterisk.
This post was edited and compiled while listening to Spotify’s Deep Thinking Playlist and your mother telling me she told me so…
THUD: Week Sixteen Picks
Week 16 — your records aren’t what they seem.
D.T.: Welcome to the NFL, Johnny. Hope you had fun, because it looks like you won’t be doing that again until next year.
“Yeah, it was a great time.”
The beginning of the Manziel Era came and went like a wisp of smoke, as the Bengals hazed him in an embarrassing 30-0 shut out. I hope Cleveland head coach Mike Pettine made whatever point he was aiming for, because I’m sure his ass is on the line now, too. The rest of the week was far more interesting. The Panthers continued to befuddle us all by grasping first place in the NFC South… for a day. The Seahawks placed a big fat period at the end of the Harbaugh Story in San Francisco, and the Cowboys revenged the Eagles after the nasty beating they took on Thanksgiving.
We’ve got one last week before all the playoff teams bench their stars to rest them up for the playoffs. Let’s make the most of it!
BMK: The thing that interested me last week was the Seattle game. As I predicted, the 49ers went run heavy and were winning. Then everything went kerplooey. Like Harbaugh’s coaching tenure.
By the way, Harbaugh’s going to Oakland. A man with his ego aint going back to coach college. Plus, his wife submarined the Cleveland trade because she didn’t want to move away from Palo Alto. I live across the Bay from Palo Alto, and it is very nice. I also live across the Bay from Facebook. Whenever I drive to Ikea to pick up that month’s yuppie provisions, I always see morons getting their pictures taken by the Facebook sign, which is a large Thumbs Up picture. As Bugs would say, what a bunch of maroons…
—–
TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T. …and we’ll start making the most of it right after this travesty of professional sports is over with.
JAGUARS?
BMK: Is it too early in the article for Krol Facts? Probably.
JAGUARS
—–
EAGLES at REDSKINS
D.T.: …okay, maybe we’ll start making the most of it after THIS travesty of professional sports.
EAGLES
BMK: Washington and Philly? Whoever wins, good taste loses.
EAGLES
—–
CHARGERS at NINERS
D.T.: Fuck me. Seriously? We get four days of NFL football this week, and the first two are complete crap?
“Sorry, bro.”
CHARGERS
BMK: Saint Francisco vs. Saint Diego. I like Saint Diego. Actually, not really. Saint Francisco was sort of bad ass. But for this game I like San Diego. Or something.
What do you want? I’m drunk.
Pictured: Krol at the office Christmas party.
CHARGERS
—–
VIKINGS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: This game’s still not great, but I’ll take it. Last week, the Vikings held divisional rivals, the Detroit Lions, to a 14-16 game, keeping Matt Stafford to around 153 yards and a single touchdown. It wasn’t a pretty game for either side, but it kept the Lions in competition with the Packers for the division title. The Fins fared far worse, being spanked mercilessly by the Patriots in a textbook definition of a rout. They’ve dropped down below the Bills (more on that in a bit), and they’ll be looking to rebound fast in order to keep up. I think they’ll have an okay time achieving just that.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m getting a feeling in my gut here that the Vikings are going to win. That could be the Mexican food I ate today too. Take my word for it kids, don’t eat cased meat cooked by a vendor on the side of the street in San Francisco’s Mission District. And if you do, don’t get mayo and jalapenos on it either.
VIKINGS
—–
RAVENS at TEXANS
D.T.: Last week, the Texans’ quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, busted his leg. They’re going through quarterbacks faster than the Arizona Cardinals, having lost both Fitzpatrick and back-up Tom Savage in the same game. Up next is… holy shit, the Texans tracked down Case Keenum and resigned him?
“Everyone keeps calling me Ryan, and asking how my leg is and why I shaved my beard.”
It’s going to be a fun trip to Texas for the Ravens.
RAVENS
BMK: Case Keenum? Holy crap. Baltimore in a rout.
By the way, does Terrell Suggs scare anyone else but me? That dude looks terrifying.
RAVENS
—–
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: There’s a little bit of a shit-storm happening in Chicago, as Bears Offensive Coordinator Aaron Kromer made some pretty disparaging criticisms about Quarterback Jay Cutler. When asked about how he felt about the situation, Cutler asked “Who’s Aaron Kromer?”
“Does he play on defense, or something?”
The continued implosion of the Bears franchise calls into question the future of a lot of jobs, and has left the team deflated and aimless. Their lack of enthusiasm, athleticism and drive against the Saints last week illustrated this, and now with the news that the Bears are planning on benching Cutler? I don’t expect them to pick up the pace against the rival Lions squad. The Lions should have a spectacular week.
LIONS
BMK: Just like in the wilds of Detroit, lions will eat the bears. Oh my.
LIONS
—–
BROWNS at PANTHERS
D.T.: So, as I mentioned, the Browns decided to start their high-profile rookie quarterback in a fierce rivalry game, when they were only two games behind a tie for first in their division. Manziel getting a start was an inevitability, but doing so this late in the season, in a gamewhere you know your opponents will be firing on all cylinders? It was a fucking stupid choice, and the Cleveland front office got what it deserved.
Again, I… probably wouldn’t say this to his face.
If they start Manziel again this week, I would expect more of the same, as the Panthers are back in the fight for the NFC South, and will be looking to keep in pace with the rest of their division. And at this point, can the Browns afford to look wishy-washy with their roster choices?
PANTHERS
BMK: Manziel’s ignominious start warmed my black heart. It was so gratifying watching that little ne’er-do-well get intercepted and sacked as much as he was. But, between you and me Johnny, you need to hit a weight room. You look like a boy out there.
PANTHERS
—–
FALCONS at SAINTS
D.T.: After getting hammered by the Panthers two weeks ago, the Saints rebounded against a flat-lining Bears team. The Falcons, however, didn’t do so well against the Steelers, but they were pretty much outclassed. This week, both of these unpredictable, on-and-off teams are going to have to be on. The race for the playoffs in this division may look like like it’s taking place between retarded blind dogs with no legs, but it’s still a race.
“Retarded blind dogs with no legs? Hmm… pass.”
With these two teams tied for first and the Panthers hot on their heels, I’d like to expect a better game from both squads than we’ve seen of late. And I’d like to think the Saints will pull ahead for a win, because when they’re at their best, they’re a better team overall than Atlanta.
SAINTS
BMK: A question I’ve been asking all year: what the hell happened to the Saints? These guys used to be money at home. This year 3-4 at home. What the H, bro?
Normally, I’d be inclined to take the Falcons in this Powerhouse Division matchup, but Julio Jones is injured. So I’m going with the home team.
SAINTS
—–
PACKERS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The NFL must be somehow cashing in on making sure the ratings are all squarely landing on the Saints/Falcons game. I don’t think even Aaron Rodgers will be paying much attention here.
PACKERS
BMK: Can I ask a question? What are they thinking with those stupid Hans and Franz commercials? When was the last time those characters were relevant at all? What demographic are they going after with them? Good god…
Oh, yeah, um…
PACKERS
—–
CHIEFS at STEELERS
D.T.: This game has some serious post-season repercussions, as the loser will find it a bit more difficult to reach the Wild Card. With the AFC North in a three-way tie, the Steelers need this win to keep up. The Chiefs find themselves three games behind Denver, but still have a glimmer of a chance. I don’t know if the Chiefs can stand toe-to-toe with Cheesburger, Bell and Brown at home. In fact, I’m willing to go with the Steelers here by a modest margin.
STEELERS
BMK: I don’t trust the Steelers D any more.
CHIEFS
—–
PATRIOTS at JETS
D.T.: The Jets become the spoiler, with their entire season in flames, and with nothing left to do but fuck up the last two Sundays for some other team. Wacky shit happens when the Jets play their divisional rivals, and even the Patriots aren’t immune to it. However, I don’t think the Jets’ death rattle will keep the Pats from chalking up one more win in their dominance of the AFC East.
PATRIOTS
BMK: There’s still football in New York?
PATRIOTS
—–
GIANTS at RAMS
D.T.: The Rams have looked good, the last few weeks. They may have lost to the Cardinals by a narrow margin, but they still held the Arizona squad to zero touchdowns, and that’s their third week doing so. It’ll be interesting to see how the St. Louis team will match up against the Giants, and if they’ll have an answer for phenom wide receiver, Odell Beckham, Jr. My guess is the Giants will break the Rams’ defensive streak, but I’m not expecting a high-scoring game.
GIANTS
BMK: The Rams have a strong defensive line nucleus. I’m not sure what they’re going to do at QB next year, but if they keep building on the defensive side of the ball, I could see them challenging the 49ers for the 3rd spot in the division.
RAMS
—–
BILLS at RAIDERS
D.T.: I’m proud of the Bills for taking on a powerhouse like the Packers and shutting them down. This past season has given Bills fans more hope than they’ve had in the last decade, and one more win this week will be icing on the cake. Enjoy, Buffalo.
BILLS
BMK: Yeah, the Bills fans have some hope. Which is especially cruel, because most of them live in Buffalo. Which sucks.
BILLS
—–
COLTS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Does this game come down to DeMarco Murray’s ability to contribute? He just had surgery, and he’s questionable for Dallas’s visit from Luck and the Colts. If he’s unable to contribute, then the Cowboys’ goal of reaching the post-season (which, despite a stellar upturn for them this year) hangs in the balance. If Murray can’t come to play, that effectively cuts Dallas’s offense in half, and leaves the Indy defense with the ability to focus on the pass rush and slow the ‘Boys down. If Murray is in, then the Colts will be hard-pressed to evenly distribute the coverage.
On the flip-side, Indy’s pass offense is lethal. Yes, Luck is likely the overturn the ball early on, as he has a weird cycle of coming into each game cold and warming around halftime, but the alleged return of TY Hilton gives The Neckbeard a nice compliment of weapons, even against the decent Dallas defense (how’s that for some fuckin’ alliteration?). I’m going to be a lame cliche analyst and say that if Murray plays, Dallas will win. If he’s sidelined, then the Colts will have a stronger chance.
COWBOYS (Conditionally)
BMK: Wait? What is this conditionally shit, DT? TAKE A STAND MAN! PICK A SIDE!
I’m going with the Colts here. Dallas’s secondary isn’t great, and a hobbled or absent Murray will mean a greater workload for Romo, who’s not great in December (to say the least).
COLTS
—–
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Battle of the Birds, and possibly the game that decides the fate of the NFC West Championship. Also known as the reason why I’ll be drinking on Sunday. The Cardinals are down to third-string quarterback and known-dumpster fire, Ryan Lindley. Ryan Lindley you’ll recall… from nothing, actually. No one remembers Lindley from the mass of rotating Quarterbacks Ken Whisenhunt rolled out in Arizona in 2012.
Pictured: Ryan Lindl–wait. Fuck, that’s John Skelton, isn’t it?
It’s fair to give him the benefit of the doubt, since he has likely-two-time Coach of the Year Bruce Arians guiding him, but the kid is still terrible even with a strong offensive line. The Cardinals are an excellent home team and will find ways to contain Marshawn Lynch. The cypher here is Russell Wilson, and the Cardinals’ ability to hold him into the pocket and allow the Arizona defensive backs to control the game. It’s going to be a defensive, low-scoring game all around. So, between the scrappy team that refuses to give in to injury, and the former champs rediscovering their fire? Fuck it, I’m going to be a homer and go against my gut.
CARDINALS
BMK: If Stanton was playing, the Cardinals might have a chance if their resurrected running game continued. With Lindley…I just don’t see it. I don’t think the Seahawks are as unbeatable as everyone else; if you can run against them you can beat them. Last week Gore and Hyde were having their way against the Hawks and it looked like SF could pull the upset. But then Gore went down, as did Hyde, and worse for SF, their starting interiror linebackers went down too. Without those players, Seattle just did what Seattle does: run Lynch, protect against the pass.
Anyway, I’m going with Seattle.
SEAHAWKS
—–
BRONCOS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals had themselves a day against the Browns last week, tormenting and terrorizing a rookie quarterback who, let’s face it, needed to be tormented and terrorized at least once, if he has any chance in hell of succeeding at a professional level. But now it’s back to work, and they’re going against one of the top 5 offenses and defenses in the league. I’m going to be frank: the Broncos are going to win this. The one adjective that describes one team and not the other is “consistent”…
“What about handsome?”
…and the Bengals have been shown to often be their own worst enemy. Peyton Manning will be healthy again, and Julius Thomas is likely to return and be hungry to rebound in front of a prime-time audience. Sorry Cincinnati fans, but this one has Denver written all over it.
BMK: If Manning plays, then yeah, this game will be Denver’s. That said, Manning is questionable for the game. If you ask me, he’s questionable for a lot of shit. Really Peyton? Planning that keep-a-way game? That’s iffy, bro.
DENVER
—–
D.T.: And there we go! Week (Sweet) Sixteen is set to go off, and I can’t wait to watch the fireworks (as soon as Thursday and Saturday are over…). There’s lots of bids for the playoffs on the line, lots of teams throwing gasoline on the fire, and we’re closing in on one of the most dramatic and entertaining endings to a season in some time. Enjoy folks, and come back next week for one last hurrah!
BMK: Last hurrah? LAST HURRAH! We have the playoffs, son!
Well, maybe it’ll be the last hurrah. But cheer up CHUD heads, maybe DT and I will do a Superbowl special column with us checking out the scene in Phoenix. We’ll do it up Fear and Loathing style.
DT, as your attorney, I’d advise you to have another beer…
We’re still tied…for last.
This post was edited and compiled to the sound of silence. No, not that sound of silence. Literally, there was no sounds at all. Except the sound the keyboard makes. But, you know, that should go without saying…
THUD Week Fifteen
Week 15 — here comes the regression to the mean!
D.T.: Cam Newton finally gets his shit together, and then injures his back in a car accident. The Rams put up historic, back-to-back shut outs right as they’re being pushed out of playoff contention. The Raiders beat the shit out of the Niners. Krol finally caught up to me in picks. Ain’t football a bitch?
“Yes.”
We were ragging pretty hard on week 14 for being a series of shitty games and, for the first time this season and maybe in our whole lives, ever, there’s a slight, miniscule chance that Krol and I were wrong. I mean, who expected the Packers/Falcons game to be as high-scoring as it was? Who expected Andrew Luck’s mistakes to turn the Colts/Browns game into a nail-biter? Well, if you were pleasantly surprised like us, you better hold on to your ass, this week.
BMK: Yeah, this last week turned out to be better than I thought it would be. Especially since the Raiders beat the 49ers. As an avowed Harbaugh hater, that was just delicious. This week we got some hot Division on Division action. Let’s get biz-zay!
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CARDINALS at RAMS
D.T.: Somehow, the Cardinals managed to squeeze out a win against the Chiefs. Many would argue that poor officiating helped, and to them I say… yeah, probably. The Rams defense is looking pretty incredible, and they’ve developed a knack for picking off hurting teams. The injury-plagued Arizona team will have to really step it up on offense to survive. They’ve certainly got more on the line, and if they can keep clear heads and utilize the tools they’ve got left, they just might squeak out another W. Maybe. I hope.
CARDINALS
BMK: A lot of hay is being made out of the Rams blanking the Redskins and the Raiders. It’s an impressive feat, but I think the media is overplaying the Rams abilities. Don’t get me wrong, their pass-rush is scary, but who do they have on their secondary? Who’s their offensive playmaker?
That said, I’m picking them this week. Thursday night games this year have been insane. I’m going with the home team.
RAMS
—–
STEELERS at FALCONS
D.T.: I’m as shocked as anyone that the Falcons managed to score as much as they did against the Packers. Julio Jones had himself a freaking day, and topped out at 260 yards and a touchdown, and Matty Ice tossed for 375 yards and four TDs. Maybe something has awakened in the Falcons and they just realized that someone from their division MUST go to the playoffs, and it might as well be them. But, their visit from the Steelers won’t help that cause — their defense is far too weak to stop Cheeseburger and LeVeon Bell. Sorry, Dirty Birds.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m picking the Steelers here too. Mostly cause I can’t figure out why I shouldn’t.
STEELERS
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REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: At this point, both the Redskins players and fans must be eagerly awaiting the sweet relief of the off-season. Giants fans are more than likely indifferent, and placing all of their attention and enthusiasm on the incredible season Odell Beckham, Jr. is having. This wasn’t a great season for them, but next year they get to look forward to seeing that kid line up across from Victor Cruz. That’s a scary thought, indeed. Oh, and they’ll win this week.
GIANTS
BMK: Ugh, the Redskins. They’re like the Jets, but without the excellent football.
I feel sorry for the fans of that team, since most of the problems with the Redskins come from a bad owner. Before Michael Bidwell took over, the Cardinals were in a similar situation, just constant dysfunction and mediocrity or worse. This off-season will be interesting down in Virginia, that’s for sure.
GIANTS
—–
DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Divisional match-up, ahoy! Wacky shit happens when these two teams face off, and the last time they did, the ‘Fins put the Pats away with a two-possession lead. That, however, was before the Patriots began enjoying their revitalization on both sides of the ball. The Miami defense has been struggling of late, and I expect to see Brady, Gronk and Blount capitalize.
And, sadly, we’ll probably see less of this.
PATRIOTS
BMK: The Patriots do not lose at Foxboro. They just don’t.
PATRIOTS
—–
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: I’m sure Alex Smith enjoyed watching his former team struggle against the worst team in the league.
“Colin-what? Kaeper-who?”
But, will he be able to avoid the same thing happening to him? All signs point to yes. The Chiefs will be fortunate to finish the season in second place in the AFC West, but at least Smith isn’t still on that sinking ship. And he’s got easier divisional rivals to beat up on.
CHIEFS
BMK: I think the Raiders got a decent QB in Derek Carr. Or, at the very least, they have a decent prospect to develop further. Other than that, there’s not much to like about Oakland. Despite their sweet, sweet, victory last week, they’re still a two win football team. They’re not beating the Chiefs at home.
CHIEFS
—–
TEXANS at COLTS
D.T.: A tricky divisional match-up. The Texans’ playoff dreams are still alive, but they have to go through the 9-4 Colts to get there. This week, literally. Indy Quarterback Andrew Luck has been struggling with turnovers lately, and the loss of Reggie Wayne to a tricep injury stings a little bit, but the Neckbeard has historically played great against this divisional rival squad. I expect the same to occur here, as they host JJ Watt and professional spectator Jadaveon Clowney at home in Lucas Oil.
I spend $40 a month for RedZone. He gets $22 million to watch from the sideline. Fuck this guy.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts are soft on defense and JJ Watt is a wrecking machine. However, Andrew Luck is at home and he’s an amazing QB.
COLTS
—–
BENGALS at BROWNS
D.T.: And so begins the Manziel Era. Both the Bengals and Browns have been prone to unpredictability this season, and tossing in a hot-headed, untested Quarterback into the mix makes things all the more interesting. I have to say, I don’t think it’s wise of Pettine to gamble on Johnny Football/Foot-Tall/Eight-Ball at this point in the season.
Though, I probably wouldn’t say it to his face.
It seems like a real risk to put a divisional game on the line, when you’re only a win behind a three-way tie for the championship. I’m not sure what statement the Browns franchise is trying to make, and I wonder if they’re banking on a fresh QB being able to best a team that nearly lost to the Buccaneers, and lost quite badly to the Steelers in week 14. Should be an interesting experiment, and I suppose I can see it working out for them, if the Bengals are in Shitstorm-Mode this week.
BROWNS
BMK: A rookie QB in a divisional game? With holes in the offensive line? Hard pass….
BENGALS.
—–
JAGUARS at RAVENS
D.T.: Right now, Marcus Mariota is thanking the Football Gods that the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles last year.
“Heh. No shit.”
RAVENS
BMK: The Misfits are an American punk rock band often recognized as the progenitors of the horror punk subgenre, blending punk rock and other musical influences with horror film themes and imagery.
Founded in 1977 in Lodi, New Jersey by singer and songwriter Glenn Danzig, the group had a fluctuating lineup during its first six years with Danzig and bassist Jerry Only as the only consistent members. During this time they released several EPs and singles, and with Only’s brother Doyle as guitarist, the albums Walk Among Us (1982) and Earth A.D./Wolfs Blood (1983), both considered touchstones of the early-1980s hardcore punk movement.
After a series of legal battles with Danzig, Only and Doyle regained the rights to record and perform as the Misfits. They formed a new version of the band in 1995 with singer Michale Graves and drummer Dr. Chud. This incarnation of the Misfits had a sound much more rooted in heavy metal, and released the albums American Psycho (1997) and Famous Monsters (1999) before dissolving in 2000. Jerry Only then took over lead vocals and recruited former Black Flag guitarist Dez Cadena and former Ramones drummer Marky Ramone for a Misfits 25th Anniversary tour.
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PACKERS at BILLS
D.T.: The Buffalo Turnover Machine vs. Aaron “Only Three Interceptions in 2014” Rodgers. The Bills continue to play solid defense, and Green Bay’s continues to be their weakness. If Orton, Watkins and Jackson can hold it down, they might give the Packers a sizable challenge. In the end, however I see the Packers chalking up their sixth win in a row. But I hope the Bills cause some turnovers and knock that Green Bay homer out of my fantasy playoffs.
PACKERS
BMK: Conventional wisdom says the Packers win this game, and why wouldn’t it? Aaron Rodgers is playing lights out and putting up all sorts of gaudy stats.
But I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense. At all.
Of course, I don’t not trust it enough to buck conventional wisdom. Just saying, we’ve seen this movie before: Gaudy Green Bay lights up the regular season but goes home early in the playoffs.
PACKERS
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BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Cam Newton picked a good week to get his truck knocked over, and fracture his back. If Carolina decides to rest him this week, their back-up Derek Anderson is capable of taking on the Tampa team. Anderson had a fun time back in week one against the Bucs, throwing for 240 yards and a couple of touchdowns. I’m sure they’re working on building up his chemistry with the receiver corp right now, and I expect Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin to be his safe, dependable targets for a fairly easy victory.
PANTHERS
BMK: [JOKE COMPARING NEWTON’S CAR CRASH TO PANTHER’S SEASON].
PANTHERS
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JETS at TITANS
D.T.: Whoever wins, some poor son of a bitch draft pick loses.
Um… TITANS?
BMK: I’m going with the Jets. Why the fuck not?
JETS
—–
BRONCOS at CHARGERS
D.T.: As predicted, the Chargers suffered defeat at the hands of the Patriots, but not before making Brady plop himself on the field and throw a temper tantrum like a baby. The Chargers are less likely to elicit that type of reaction from Peyton Manning, who is currently enjoying three-win streak, and a cakewalk of a final stretch. Sorry, Phillip, it’s Manning’s year. At least he has other things to fill his heart, like collecting bolo ties. And small children.
“I keep them all in the same closet!”
BRONCOS
BMK: I sort of feel sorry for Philip Rivers. Mostly for his fashion sense, but also for the fact that is one great QB that had the misfortune of playing in the same era and conference as Brady and Manning. He’ll never make it to the big dance. However, he’s photogenic, and has 207 kids, so he’ll be an on-air “personality” enough. Maybe FOX can retire Terry Bradshaw the way Deckard retires Replicants and plug Rivers in there. That way, I can avoid everything that annoys me on Sunday.
BRONCOS
—–
VIKINGS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions enjoyed a leisurely victory against Tampa Bay last week, with Matt Stafford and Friends continuing on the up-trend. Stafford tossed for 311 yards and a hat-trick, while Megatron chalked up 158 yards and a TD. Joique Bell picked up over 80 yards rushing, 50 receiving, and a couple of touchdowns. Bell shows no signs of slowing, even with the return of Reggie Bush, and this trio should have themselves an excellent day against their oft-struggling rivals.
LIONS
BMK: I don’t foresee an upset here. The Lions have a stout defense and a pretty good offense. More than enough to handle Bridgewater and the boys.
LIONS
—–
NINERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Niners are done. Colin Kaepernick’s success as a mobile quarterback was only destined to last as long as the small window of opportunity would allow. Which is sad, because the kid has a decent arm and I don’t think he’s the horrible douchebag people* want to believe he is. At any rate, the Niners are in for a massive overhaul in the offseason, and lots of changes – some expected, and likely some painful and unexpected – will occur. This week’s game in Seattle will be the final nail in the coffin for the Harbaugh Era. A team this defeated and dysfunctional doesn’t stand a chance in CenturyLink.
SEAHAWKS
* Bryan
BMK: I’m going with the Niners here.
Seattle is great against the pass but they’re vulnerable against the run. The 40000ft view reason the Seahawks are killing everyone is because most NFL teams have abandoned the concept of power running. Think about it: who, amongst the “elite” teams this season, has a great ground game? No one. Now, the Cowboys and Chiefs both have very good rushing attacks, and guess what? They both beat the Seahawks.
If the Niners can run Frank Gore effectively – and I’m betting they can – they’re going to win the game.
NINERS
—–
COWBOYS at EAGLES
D.T.: Another Thanksgiving Day rematch that didn’t go so well for one of these teams. The ‘Boys may have rebounded with a solid win against the Bears the following week, but they’ll still have the taste of stale turkey and dry stuffing in their mouths. Will they pull off a revenge on the Eagles’ home turf? Tough call. Dallas claims that Romo is in better health and they’ve got the advantage of more time to prepare. While he took pain medication to bolster himself against the Bears, it was decided against shooting Romo up when they played the Eagles on Turkey Day. So, will a drugged up Romo make a world of difference this time around?
“Hey, you guys see them pink elephants? What are those pink elephants doin’ at football?”
Is it smoke and mirrors to excuse themselves from an embarrassing loss? I have trouble thinking the Philly’s earlier win was a fluke, but at the same time, I think Dallas will come out swinging. It might be the most interesting game this week. I’ll go with Philly at home.
EAGLES
BMK: I’m inclined to agree with the Gentleman from Maricopa County. The Cowboys’s main weakness – besides an insane GM – is their defense. I’m pretty sure the Sanchise will rebound from the Seattle loss by beating up on the Boys.
—–
SAINTS at BEARS
D.T.: How will the bizarre story of the NFC South end? The Saints and Falcons duke it out for the dubious honor of first place in the worst division in football, and both come into this week “boasting” 5-8 records. I have serious doubts that the Falcons will best the Steelers, which opens the door for the Saints to secure the lead — at least for this week. But, after their shocking loss against the Panthers last week, who’s to say? In a division as (horribly) competitive as the NFC South right now, I have doubts that New Orleans purposefully took it easy last week in preparation for their final stretch. Any loss, especially in their own division, is dire for their post-season chances, and a possible two-win lead is far preferable than a possible one-win lead.
I’m honestly at a bit of a loss here. Both of these teams are a mess, but the Saint’s upside outweighs the Bears’, so I guess I’ll put my fictional money on Brees.
SAINTS
BMK: The Bears are a complete mess. Their best receiver is out, their QB is a wreck, and their defense puts up about as much fight as Lindsay Lohan does when someone offers her cocaine for sex.
SAINTS
—–
D.T.: And there you have it. Next week, we have football on fuckin’ Saturday, which means four days of waking up hungover and regretful, instead of three. It also means Krol and I have to work harder and faster, since we’ll have less time to crank this bad boy out. A fair trade off!
May the wind always be at your backs, dear readers. And may you always be upwind of Oakland.
BMK: Harder and faster? What are you, my wife, amirite?
This post was written and edited to the Sons of Anarchy and the sounds of men all around me losing their heads…while I was keeping mine…
THUD Picks Week 14
Week 14 — it’s a total dream!
D.T.: I’m going to be straight up, folks. This is not going to be a good week of football. The final stretch of the season – through some weird happenings with scheduling – is chock full of divisional match-ups… and this week is the calm before the storm. While we have Eagles/Cowboys and Seahawks/Niners rematches to look forward to in week 15, this week we have… the Patriots and the Chargers.
Tom Brady’s reaction to being told he can’t simply take next week off.
What say you about this week, dear Krol?
BMK: This week is yet another lineup of blah matches.
Many commentators will point out that this is because of parity in the NFL. And if by parity you mean a sea of mediocrity, then yeah, I agree with you. Anyway…on to the picks.
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COWBOYS at BEARS
Last week, the Bears lost miserably to their feline divisional rivals in the triumphant return of Megatron and Stafford to relevance. Cutler tossed for 280 yards and a pair of touchdowns, but that’s where the good times stopped rolling. Their top rusher for the week, Ka’Deem Carey, maxed out at… 8 yards.
“Y’know what, guys? This has been fun, but I think I’ll go back to U of A.”
Over the last few years, the Bears have dominated the Cowboys, but I don’t see them having a good week this time — even though the ‘Boys themselves had a shitty time against the Eagles last week. Look for the Cowboys to rebound and keep themselves on the Eagles’ heels.
COWBOYS
BMK: I’m going with the Cowboys on this one. I don’t trust the Bears at all or Jay Cutler, and while the Cowboys have some good weaknesses, I don’t think the Bears will be able to exploit them in a meaningful way.
—–
STEELERS at BENGALS
D.T.: Sadly, the Steelers have placed Defensive Lineman and locker room-leader Brett Kiesel on injured reserved, after the big man suffered a torn tricep. That leaves the Steelers defense hurting, alongside my chances of seeing Troy Polamalu use his beard as a staging point for a surprise attack.
“Surprise, motherfuckers!”
Even with the absences of Kiesel, Harrison, Jones and others, they’re still looking better than the unpredictable Bengals team that barely held their own against the Buccaneers last week.
STEELERS
BMK: What in the hell happened to the Bengals? Sadly, the Ginger of Doom is going to fuck this one up good, again.
STEELERS
So I was going for the obvious Dexter Doakes reference, but I found this instead, which is way funnier.
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RAMS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s kind of starting to look like the Rams might catch up the 49ers. They’ve got a forgiving schedule in this home stretch, and it starts off with the Redskins. True, Colt McCoy threw for nearly 400 yards and three touchdowns against the Colts, but Indy’s never been known for having a truly exceptional defense (Vontae Davis notwithstanding). The Rams are garnering a reputation for just that. I’m going to give it to the Rams this week. Mostly because fuck Gruden and Snyder.
RAMS
BMK: This game is one of the more interesting ones this week. There’s a couple of angles here. 1)Will RGIII start? 2) How will Gruden’s obvious contempt for RGII play out the rest of the year, and 3) Can the Rams make some noise in the final stretch of the season? I think they will.
RAMS
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GIANTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Giants will win, and Odell Beckham, Jr. will score nine touchdowns for my fantasy team. Fuck you, a man can dream.
GIANTS
BMK: Without a decent QB, Whisenhunt looks like the Ewok hating poor coach people said he was in AZ.
GIANTS
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PANTHERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Cam Newton is officially a problem. Krol and I like to spout off commentary to one another on Sundays, and one observation I had that I particularly liked (out of hundreds, of course) is that Cam Newton is quietly pulling an RGIII this season. He had himself a nice year last year, and after the first instance of injury, he’s completely lost his confidence and seemingly his will to play and command a game. It’s hard to argue against the idea that the Panthers’ season has fully hinged on his decision to contribute or not. The guy’s got a lot of weapons at his disposal and has forgotten how to put a play together.
The Saints, on the other hand, are slowly starting to remember how to win.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints should have remembered how to win when they played the 49ers.
Anyway, to extend off DT’s point, I think we’re seeing the end of the whole “Mobile QB’s NOW AND FOREVER!” stage of the NFL’s development. And before any of you jokers out there start pointing out Russell Wilson, let me ask you a question: would Russell Wilson still be Russell Wilson if he had Dallas’s secondary?
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JETS at VIKINGS
D.T.: This game can fuck off. But, because I’m contractually obligated to make football picks, or lose my endorsements…
Actually… shit. Why don’t I have any endorsements?
…VIKINGS. I guess.
BMK: I’ll always endorse you man.
JETS
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RAVENS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: An interesting game, if for no other reason than the chase for the wild card in the playoffs. The Dolphins’ sloppy victory over the Jets put them back in the running, while the Ravens’ narrow loss to the Chargers held them back. Looking at these two teams on paper, I’d say the ‘Fins will take it, but who’s to say how Justin Forsett will handle himself against the 6th-ranked Miami defense? Or if Flacco decides to have himself a day and toss another hat-trick into the endzone?
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m only two picks away from you and I’ve been picking against the Cardinals all year. So I’m taking the Ravens…AND VICTORY!
Mostly just the Ravens. But speaking of Victory, it’s a great movie. Everyone should see it. It’s worth the price of an XBOX rental just to see the Pele bicycle kick repeated three times while Max Von Sydow looks on dreamily, probably picturing his massive residual checks from Flash Gordon.
RAVENS
—–
COLTS at BROWNS
D.T.: Looks like we may finally have that inevitable Quarterback controversy in Cleveland. After throwing his second of two interceptions into the hands of the Bills, Mike Pettine benched Brian Hoyer in favor of Johnny Manziel, who lead the team’s offensive unit 80 yards to Manizel’s first touchdown as an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t enough to save the team from a defeat, but it was enough for Pettine to take the first half of this week to decide on who to start against the Colts.
Uncertainty and doubt in your team’s on-field leadership is not a great way to wind down a season. They may as well gift-wrap this game as an early present for Christmas.
…or Hanukkah? The beard throws things off a bit.
COLTS
BMK: Manziel was going to play sometime this year. It was only a question of when. I hope it’s sooner rather than later because I want to see this massive douche go down in vinegar scented flames. Seriously, this kid is worse than getting syphilis from an ape at the zoo. Because, in that scenario, you’ll have an ape buddy. And apes are cool.
Of course, you’ll still have syphilis, but hey – it’s better than having Johnny Summer’s Eve as your starting QB.
COLTS
—–
BUCCANEERS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions finally got their shit together last week and pummeled the Bears. If they can hold it down, this’ll be a nice boost for them in the narrow NFC North race.
LIONS
BMK: This should be an easy win for the Lions. Which is why I’m nervous. Not nervous enough to pick Buccaneers, but I’ll be scared all of Sunday. And not just because I’m planning an A Nightmare on Elm St. movie marathon at my sleep over tonight, either.
LIONS
—–
TEXANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: I think it’s time for our weekly KrolFact™.
TEXANS
BMK: Currahee Mountain is a mountain located in Stephens County, Georgia near Toccoa. The name appears to be derived from the Cherokee word ᏊᏩᎯ (quu-wa-hi) meaning “stand alone.” Technically a part of the Georgia Piedmont or “foothill” province, Currahee Mountain rises abruptly about 800 vertical feet (240 m) above the local topography and is the highest peak in Stephens County. Part of the mountain is in the Chattahoochee National Forest. On clear days, the peak’s 1,735-foot (529 m) summit is visible for many miles and is a prominent landmark to the southeast of Georgia’s Blue Ridge Mountain crest.
The mountain was made famous internationally by Tom Hanks’ and Steven Spielberg’s television miniseries Band of Brothers, in which it was featured as a training site of the American Paratroopers at Camp Toccoa, Georgia where they ran up and down Currahee. The name of the mountain became the motto for these paratroopers including the famous quote: “3 Miles up, 3 Miles down”. The nickname of the 506th Infantry Regiment, of which Easy Company was a part of, is “Currahee”.
TEXANS
—–
BILLS at BRONCOS
D.T.: You got another one for us, Krol?
BRONCOS
BMK: No.
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at CARDINALS
D.T.: What started off as a promising, almost meteoric rise of a season for the Cardinals has leveled off, and ever-mounting injuries now threaten what looked like a clear path to the playoffs. Safety Tyrann Mathieu, Offensive Tackle Jared Veldheer and Running Back Andre Ellington are the latest victims, each taking a huge chunk of their respective unit’s effectiveness with them.
There was real opportunity to bounce back against the weak Falcons defense, and the Cardinals offensive unit failed to meet the challenge. Quarterback Drew Stanton looks wholly under-confident, and the possibility of losing Jared Veldheer for a week or more leaves him exposed and likely running for his life against the Chiefs defense. With the Arizona defense currently under-performing, the doors open wide for Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles to have themselves a nice day in the perfect Arizona weather.
CHIEFS
BMK: Perfect weather my ass. It’s still too hot in that God forsaken state.
Anyway, I’m going with the Cardinals on this one. I got a gut feeling they’ll have a decent game again. Especially since Fitzgerald is playing.
CARDINALS
—–
SEAHAWKS at EAGLES
D.T.: Okay, now it’s fair to say the Seahawks are enjoying a return to Championship form — at least on defense. I wasn’t wholly impressed with their sloppy win against Arizona (bias notwithstanding), but that secondary’s performance against San Francisco on Turkey Day was energized.
“Mmm, roasted Kaepernick. Just like mom used to make.”
Holding the Niners to a single touchdown, and causing a Thanksgiving-serving of turnovers lead the Seattle squad to a 19-3 victory. We’ll see how this revitalized defense holds up against the renaissance the Eagles offense celebrated last week as Mark Sanchez and LeSean McCoy lead their team to a shocking 33-10 victory over the Cowboys. Sanchez looks to be in control — perhaps overly so, as we saw him yelling at his receivers in Manning-like fashion, and even popping Riley Cooper with the ball after twice failing to run the correct route.
“If he screws up again, I’ll shove the ball up his ass. Wait, hold on…”
Taking all things into consideration, the Eagles of week 14 are decidedly not the Niners of week 13. As much traction as their defense may be gaining, the Seahawks will find a whole new challenge in a Philly offense that’s rediscovered their confidence. Just to make things interesting, I give it to the Eagles.
EAGLES
BMK: DT makes some good points, but we’ve seen what Seattle’s secondary can do to really good QBs, and while I like the Sanchise, he’s no Peyton Manning. Hell, he’s no Peyton Reed*. So I’m expecting a large type Seattle victory here.
SEAHAWKS
*I don’t get it either.
—–
NINERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: God damn, Saint Louis. You snatched up the little bit of dignity the Raiders had secured for themselves, and ate it slowly, salivating and moaning as they watched on in tears. I love you for that. Will the Niners be able to do the same? After the last couple of weeks they’ve had, I don’t know. I do think they’ll win, however, but by a margin much more respectable for the Raiders.
NINERS
BMK: Ugh. This game. I was thinking about attending it in person but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, and Raiders tickets – normally hovering in the 35 dollar a head range – jumped up about a 100 bucks at the minimum. So I guess I’ll need to find a way to expose myself to sub-moronic, thickheaded numbskulls beating each other up in a completely disgusting venue.
Maybe I’ll have lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.
NINERS
—–
PATRIOTS at CHARGERS
D.T.: And so ends the Chargers season. They managed to surprise us with a one-point win against the Ravens, but their last four games (Patriots, Broncos, Niners, Chiefs) will see to it that they don’t catch up to their divisional rivals. It’s the Chiefs and Broncos who will take the AFC West, and the Patriots will have an easier time against Filipe Rios and his band of cohorts than they did in Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood last week.
“I object! On the grounds of fuck you!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: I don’t think the Chargers season ends here. Their last four games are tough, true, but I think the Chargers can beat both the Niners and the Chiefs. What’s more – they HAVE to.
They won’t beat the Patriots here though.
PATRIOTS
—–
FALCONS at PACKERS
D.T.: The week wraps up with another dud waiting to happen. I mean, really. This game is like a reward for the Packers for beating the Patriots last week. Eddie Lacy is going to truck through injured Desmond Trufant, then pick him up and eat him as a snack on the way to the end zone. And still be hungry. Aaron Rodgers is going to play with his helmet on backwards. Jordy Nelson is going to staple pictures of himself having sex with the Falcons’ Cornerbacks to the back of his jersey, and even that won’t motivate them keep up. I’m exaggerating, but —
“No, no, keep going. I especially like the part about sex.”
— this is a lame match-up to end a terrible week. This isn’t even going to be interesting if you’re a Packers fan. I feel bad for the guy in my fantasy league who has to play the Packers homer who drafted Rodgers and Nelson. That dude’s going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. This game is just going to fuck everyone’s week up.
PACKERS
BMK: Let’s see, the Falcons are iffy on the road, iffy in the cold, and iffy on defense. Yeah, they’re beating the eventual Superbowl Champions…
PACKERS
—–
D.T.: Let’s wrap up the week with a tribute to the winning-est teams from Week 13!
Still better than any cheerleader I’ve seen.
BMK: Thanks again for reading us folks. Next week it’ll be better…I promise.
This post was written/compiled while listening to The Return of the King soundtrack and a little voice inside my head saying don’t look back, you can never look back.
THUD Picks Week 13
Week Thirteen…It’s a total SCREAM!
D.T.: Well, it happened. The Raiders finally won a game. They also very nearly managed to lose it with 30 seconds on the clock by acting like fools and celebrating while Alex Smith hurried the Chiefs offense to the line. How cruel and hysterical it would have been if the Raiders had secured a four point lead, then drawn a penalty or allowed Smith’s offense to bomb a pass through their distracted defense. We’d be talking about it for the rest of the year, rather than having already forgotten that they won.
But this 14 year old fan who made it past security will never forget.
We have a lot to be thankful for on this, the week in which we thankfully give thanks. We have three – count ’em, three – excellent, meaningful divisional match-ups on Thanksgiving, and a handful of games on Sunday that just might turn out to be great, as well. Let’s get to it, folks!
BMK: The Raiders won a game. LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD! HA!
Anyway, the Holidays got away from me this week kids, so I asked some friends to help out. Hope you enjoy it.
—–
BEARS at LIONS
D.T.: Kicking off Turkey Day (and saying “go fuck yourself, Macy’s Parade” for those of you on the West coast) we have an early NFC grudge match in Detroit. While we feast on Thursday, the Lions feasted last week on humble pie with a side of shame, having been smacked down by the Patriots 34-9. Highlights included LeGarette Blount’s two-touchdown re-arrival to the New England squad, and Gronkowski burying the hatchet with Sergio Brown (credited with busting Gronk’s arm, if you’ll recall) and bonding over showing him how an NBC camera works.
“Hey-bro-come-take-a-look-at-this-it’ll-be-awesome-I-promise!”
It was a devastating loss, while the Bears recovered some semblance of self-respect by not allowing the Buccaneers a victory. It’s hard to say exactly how this one will play out. Detroit’s offense is sinking fast, and their defense couldn’t hold it together against an on-fire New England squad. A Bears win means they’re just one game out from the Lions’ second-place spot in the division, and it keeps them alive for another week. If the Lions want to stay safe, they have GOT to find a way to get their offense going again. If they can sort their shit out and get their excellent receiver corps involved, they’ll take it.
LIONS
BMK: Marshawn, who do you like in this match up? Bears or Lions?
ML: Yeah.
BEARS
—–
EAGLES at COWBOYS
D.T.: An incredibly meaningful NFC East match-up. Both teams currently sit at 8-3 (tied with Green Bay for first place), and from this game on, we’ll see how the playoff picture comes together for this division. If Green Bay loses against the Patriots, the winner of this game in Dallas could find themselves in 1st place and complicate things for the Pack, who are currently projected as the number two seed. How will the Eagles cause an upset and pull this out?
By calling this guy every five minutes to see if his collarbone is still broken.
Really, though… I’m not a believer in Sanchez. I don’t think he’s got what it takes to march into Dallas in a super-high pressure game and go up against the Cowboys defense. I think it’s here that the bubble will burst, and Romo’s unit will control the game. Sorry, Mark.
COWBOYS
BMK: So how about this one, Marshawn?
ML: Yeah.
COWBOYS
—–
SEAHAWKS at 49ERS
D.T.: I don’t know if I agree with the general media saying that the Seahawks’ victory over Arizona last week was a “triumphant” return to last year’s glory. Frankly, both teams looked like shit, but Seattle managed to pull it together in the second half. The Niners, on the other hand, barely managed a win against the woefully-broken Redskins. What I see happening here is desperation mode for both teams. They’re both sitting at 7-4, two games behind the Cardinals, and the loser here probably won’t catch up with the difficult final stretch ahead of them. I think the Seahawks’ win at home last week brought back some of their swagger, and looking at Richard Sherman’s hilarious press conference last week in defense of Marshawn Lynch, I’d say their locker room has been in higher spirits this week than it’s been all season. A stark contrast to the continued doom and gloom coming from the bay. In a battle of morale and heart, I give it to Seattle.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Okay Marshawn, I know you might be tempted to go with the Niners here, but what are your thoughts on the game?
ML: I don’t know.
BMK: Really?
ML: Yeah.
SEAHAWKS
—–
REDSKINS at COLTS
D.T.: …and here we go, past the glorious Thursday schedule, into the less exciting parts of the Sunday that awaits. The situation in DC continues to worsen, as the ‘Skins are still playing a game of revolving quarterbacks. Colt McCoy is believed to start this week against the Colts, hosting at home in Indy. I wonder how many people are digging for a Dan Snyder scandal so they can mount a Donald Sterling-esque coup and wrest the team from him. Frankly, I don’t think anyone would object. It’s going to be the Colts, in a massive rebound after their bizarre kind-of-win against Jacksonville last week.
COLTS
BMK: For this one I reached out to Drew McWeeney and Harry Knowles. Fellas?
DW: My sources tell me the Colts are going to take this one.
HK: Nope, sorry. My sources at the NFL tell me the Redskins.
DW: Thanks for telling me I’m wrong.
HK: I never said that you were wrong! Just that your sources are wrong. My 100% confirmed non-denialable sources are right.
DW: Whatever. Thanks for taking a drive-by shit on me.
HK: Listen to me, I MADE you, bitch.
DW: The only thing you made was a crappy YouTube series. And only one season at that.
HK: Yeah, so when’s Post-Human coming out? I keep looking for it at the Alamo Drafthouse, but it’s never there…
BMK: Okay, fellas, relax. Who’s going to win the game?
(Both shrug)
HK: Who knows.
DW: Yeah, sports are icky.
COLTS
—–
TITANS at TEXANS
D.T.: Fun fact about Houston: their defense has scored a touchdown in every home game they’ve played this season. Which is good, because with Ryan Mallett out with injury, Ryan Fitzpatrick back under center…
Seen here demonstrating proper chin strap protocol.
…and Arian Foster’s status still uncertain, they may not score points otherwise. However… the Texans are still alive in the hunt. Their best (and probably only) chance to get into the post season is to keep winning and try to steal the division from the Colts. It’s probably not going to happen, but they’re playing for a hell of a lot more than the already-eliminated Titans. That, coupled with the fact that it’s a home game, leaves me expecting a Houston win.
TEXANS
BMK: So I emailed Nick Nunziata to make this pick. He never emailed back.
TEXANS
—–
BROWNS at BILLS
D.T.: One of the absolute travesties of this season was the denial of a ridiculous snow bowl game in Buffalo. Instead, what we got as a consolation prize was an unceremonious pummeling of the Jets and their official (but wholly expected) ejection from anything resembling a post-season. The Bills return to Ralph Wilson stadium and host the 7-4 Browns, who are looking for some way to break the incredible 4-way tie in the AFC North. Browns Quarterback, Brian Hoyer, didn’t fare terribly well last week — he threw for over 300 yards, but failed to connect in the end zone, and tossed three interceptions. Going up against a defense known for creating turnovers in the air, I spell more trouble for Hoyer the Destroyer. I see the Bills continuing on their heroic streak for now… but by a narrow margin.
BILLS
BMK: I then emailed Jeremy Butler about this pick. He said sure, but then never emailed me back.
BROWNS
—–
CHARGERS at RAVENS
D.T.: I’m going to be blunt: the Chargers are doomed. Regardless of the outcome of this game, the last leg of their season is brutal, and they’re going to drown. Sorry, Philip Rivers.
Philip Rivers trying to kill me with his mind. Hasn’t worked before; won’t work this time.
In that aforementioned 7-game tie in the AFC North, the Ravens have a hell of a lot more to play for. What I see as being a very winnable game for them opens up a very safe finish to their season. The gateway to that is a win against a team that almost lost to the Raiders, and barely beat the Rams. It’s the Ravens at home.
RAVENS
BMK: I had no idea who to pick for this game, so I asked my buddy Film Critic Hulk. Hulk?
FCH: THANK YOU BRYAN. FOR THIS GAME, HULK HAS TO GO BACK TO THE VERY BEGINNING. FOOTBALL, AS A SPORT, WAS FIRST CONCIEVED OF WHEN PRE-VERBAL MALAYSIAN GOAT HERDERS SAW A VISAGE OF THE IRON SHIEK DANCING AMONGST THE SPARE DROPLETS OF MORNING DEW GLISTENING OFF OF THEIR LOVER’S BUTTOCKS. THIS WAS IN 1993. AFTER THAT VISION, A LEARNED COUNCIL CONSISTING OF OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, BO DIDDLEY, AND A COMPUTER PROGRAMMED TO IMITATE THE GREAT CONQUISTADOR CORONADO, MET FOR LUNCH A THE FAMOUS RUSSIAN TEA ROOM IN DOWNTOWN COUNCIL BLUFFS IOWA. THIS WAS WHERE THE TUCK RULE WAS BORN. HULK DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT NAME THOUGH, BECAUSE NOTHING IS EVER TUCKED IN SOCCER, WHICH IS THE SPIRITUAL GUIDING LIGHT OF BOTH THE FAMOUS GAME OF FOOTBALL AND THE TWISTING NARRATIVE OF GENERAL HOSPITAL.
AFTER THAT LEARNED COUNCIL MET, THEY ALL TIED A TURNIP TO THEIR BELTS, WHICH WAS THE STYLE AT THE TIME, AND CONCOCTED THE GREAT COLD FUSION SCAM OF THE EARLY 80S. HULK WONDERS HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THIS LEARNED COUNCIL WAS MEETING IN EARLY 2002. WELL, ACCORDING TO HULK’S UNCLE, TED BANNER, THIS LEARNED COUNCIL RAN INTO STEPHEN HAWKING IN A BAR. HAWKING WAS HUSTLING REDNECKS IN A LINE DANCING CONTEST, AS IS HIS HOBBY. NOW, AS HULK UNDERSTANDS IT, AND HOW YOU SHOULD INTERPRET THIS, IS THAT HAWKING DIDN’T SO MUCH INVENT A TIME MACHINE AS MUCH AS HE UNCOVERED IT. THAT’S RIGHT. HULK IS SAYING HAWKING UNCOVERED A TIME MACHINE. IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE BAR. HIS WHEELCHAIR GOT CAUGHT IN THE SHEET COVERING IT.
THIS LEARNED COUNCIL THEN TRAVELED BACK IN TIME AND MET WITH MATT GROENING. BO DIDDLEY THEN SHOT MATT GROENING WITH A .22 CALIBER PISTOL. IT WAS THEN THAT GROENING CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY BECOME THE TV SHOW THAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE: NIGHTLINE.
OLIVIA NETWON JOHN THEN WENT EVEN FURTHER BACK IN TIME AND STEPPED ON A BUTTERFLY. THIS CAUSED THE GAME OF FOOTBALL TO BE INVENTED IN 1869 AT YALE. THIS ALSO CAUSED HOLLYWOOD TO FILM A MISUNDERSTOOD FILM NAMED THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, STARING ASHTON KUTCHER
FOOTBALL HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE LATE 19TH CENTURY, BUT IT WAS PERFECTED IN THE 90S BY THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
GETTING BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT…HULK UNDERSTANDS THAT MOST PEOPLE KNOW THIS TO BE A CRAPPY MOVIE. IT DID POORLY IN THE BOX OFFICE AND FEATURES A MORBIDLY OBESE ETHAN SUPPLEE, FRESH OFF HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE IN KEVIN SMITH’S MALLRATS. BUT HULK WANTS TO CHALLENGE YOU TO BELIEVE IN HULK’S GREATER PERCEPTION OF FILM THAN YOU POSSESS. RATHER THAN THINKING THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS A CRAPPY MOVIE MADE FROM A CRAPPY IDEA AND FEATURING A TERRRIBLE SCRIPT, HULK WANTS YOU TO LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS. NO, NOT THE SUB-TEXT. EVEN FURTHER. HULK WANTS TO LOOK INTO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT. SERIOUSLY, THIS TEXT IS SO SUB THAT IT LIKES TO BE SPANKED BY A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A SITH LORD.
SEE? HULK HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.
BUT, GOING BACK TO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT OF THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, HULK SEES THAT ASHTON KUTCHER IS USED AS A CHRIST FIGURE. BUT NOT THE BIBLICAL CHRIST FIGURE. THE CHRIST FIGURE THAT FORMED THE MORMON CHURCH, INSPIRTED SCIENTOLOGY, AND PLAYED GUITAR IN DANZIG’S BAND IN THE EARLY 90S. HULK KNOWS THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THIS YET, SINCE YOU ARE NOT ON HULK’S LEVEL OF UNDERSTAND OF FILM, LIFE, AND THE FINE BARREL AGED WHISKEY THAT SOPHISTICATED ASIAN WOMEN LIKE TO DRINK TO ENHANCE THEIR MYSTERY AND DESIRABILITY, AND WHO LIKE TO RUN AWAY AFTER HULK BUYS THEM A DRINK AT THE BAR.
YOUR FRIEND HAS A FLAT TIRE MY GREEN GAMMA IRRADIATED ASS!
BUT BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT. OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, TWO AND A HALF CHRISTS.
SEE, IN HULK’S INTERPETATION, WHICH IS THE ONLY CORRECT INTERPRETATION (AND THIS IS THE ONLY CORRECT WAY TO SPELL INTERPRETATION, AND THAT’S HULK’S WAY), KUTCHER BECOMES A MYTHICAL SPACE CHRIST TO RIGHT THE WRONGS PERPETRATED ON THE FILM INDUSTRY BY METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER, THE HOUSE OF UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES, AND FRANK MILLER (AND BY THE WAY, DID YOU WATCH ROBOCOP 2 LAST NIGHT ON TCM? ROBOCOP’S METAPHOR OF THE LIMITS OF US POWER CONSTANTLY CRACKED HULK UP). IN THIS REGARD, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL FILMS EVER PUT TO LENS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS WORLD….OR THE NEXT!
BMK: That’s great, Hulk. Who do you like in this game?
FCH: HULK DOESN’T KNOW. SPORTS ARE ICKY.
CHARGERS
—–
GIANTS at JAGUARS
D.T.: This game has the makings of a real upset, and should scare the shit out of Eli Manning.
“Well… every game is kinda scary, D.T.”
Despite the fact that they simply can’t win, a lot of Jacksonville’s match-ups have left people looking at them sideways. This is going to be one of those games. The Giants continue to be shaky, despite some miraculous shit…
Stuff like this isn’t supposed to happen outside of Disney movies starting Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
…and it’s difficult to predict if they’re going to be terrible and win or just terrible. I think the Giants will stick it out and come away with a win, but don’t expect this to be a cut-and-dry victory. We’re going to see some sloppy shit, and maybe Jacksonville’s last death rattle.
GIANTS
BMK: Take it away, Duke Fleed…
DF: In this week’s football con…test, the Giants will stride OVER the Jaguars.
BMK: Why do you post like that, anyway?
DF: I had…a stroke…of GOOD LUCK.
BMK: I don’t know who I hate more: me or you.
DF: Probably you. Since I’m beating you in picks.
GIANTS
—–
BENGALS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: Another fun fact! The Buccaneers are one game away from the first pick in the 2015 NFL draft… and two games away from the playoffs. What the ever-living-fuck, NFC South?
Whatever. At least I don’t have to say much about this game, which I’m thankful for because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel, talking about all the games this week.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, now, Mr. Richard Dickson, would you like to talk about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this week?
…
Richard?
…
Oh well…
BENGALS
—–
RAIDERS at RAMS
D.T.: I spoke too soon. Oh, sweet relief for these wrists of mine.
RAMS
BMK: For this pick, I interviewed this guy, who was picking up trash along the side of the road.
His name is Perceval.
BMK: So, Perceval, who do you like this week?
P: Perceval sad.
BMK: Aw, why is Perceval sad?
P: Raiders no good.
BMK: Well, they’ll be good again, Perceval. Like when they move to San –
P: DON’T SAY THAT NAME! PERCEVAL DON’T LIKE THAT NAME! ARRGGGHH!
BMK: I’m sorry P, I didn’t mean anything by it.
P: It’s okay, Perceval has anger issues. It’s why Perceval was kicked out of Ph.D. program at Brown.
RAMS
—–
SAINTS at STEELERS
D.T.: I feel bad for the Saints. The weight of coming into a season with the expectation of being a real contender for the post-season, and putting up a 4-7 season so far must be crushing. And it would be even more crushing if that 4-7 season didn’t still hold some real promise of carrying them into the fucking post season.
“Wait, what? We still got a shot at this fucker?”
Though, I don’t expect them to best the Steelers this week and somehow take advantage of it. Last week, they let Justin Forsett run the ball for over 180 yards, and this week they have to contend with powerhouse Le’Veon Bell. Brees performed admirably against the Ravens, but even three touchdown passes and over 400 yards in the air weren’t enough to put a win together. The Steelers are likely to beat them by air and by land.
STEELERS
BMK: I don’t feel bad for the Saints. I feel bad for my friends who like the Saints. The Saints have no troubles at all. Most of them are millionaires and they live in New Orleans. Which is like Tijuana, only with more dysentery and corruption.
STEELERS
—–
PANTHERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Cam Newton will decide this game. If he plays like a professional quarterback, I see the Panthers taking it. If he plays like 2014 Cam Newton, it’ll be close. Let’s give Cam the benefit of the doubt one more time.
Mostly because I hate seeing this kid go to waste.
PANTHERS
BMK: Most people think writing a football column is easy. And it is, if you half-ass it like me and fill it up with stupid “jokes.”
But sometimes it gets hard. Case-in-point: this game. Who the hell do you pick in this match-up? It’s like watching two mentally challenged homeless people have a slap-fight. Or like reading a AICN Talkbacker trying to make a cogent argument. It’s sad, it’s exploitative, and you feel a little bit dirty watching it…but…you can’t look away!
So who’s going to win this monumental suckfest? Your guess is as good as mine, if not better. In fact, I’d wager it’s better.
VIKINGS
—–
CARDINALS at FALCONS
D.T.: Battle of the Black and Red Birds. After their defeat in Seattle last week, the Cardinals are hungry to bounce back and keep their projection for the first seed in the NFC alive. Atlanta’s not a bad team to rebound against, either — they’re kind of like that mousy girl who works at the library who never really caught your eye until your girlfriend dumped you.
The Falcons’ defense is dead last. It’s Drew Stanton’s time to shine and improve the franchise’s playoff outlook. If he can make that happen — even in Larry Fitzgerald’s absence — and Andre Ellington can march through and energize the run game, they can hit 10-2 and further cement that sweet first seed.
CARDINALS
BMK: Last week hurt. I’m hoping that the Cardinals offense stalling for the last seven quarters is an aberration and the result of them facing two very good, if not elite, defenses in a row. Fitzgerald being out probably had a lot to do with that too, since John and Jaron Brown, while good receivers, are not going to strike the fear into the heart of a secondary like Seattle’s. Fitz and Floyd create match-up problems when they’re both on the field, but take one away and you get what they got on last Sunday.
Anyway, I’m picking the Falcons here because, hey, why stop a good pattern. Plus I’m afraid to pick the Cardinals.
FALCONS
PS: I know that I did the last couple as me. Deal with it. Especially with the next we have…
—–
PATRIOTS at PACKERS
D.T.: Other games this week hold more meaning in the grand scheme of the 2014 season but let’s be honest: this is by far the flashiest and the most high profile. Two Quarterbacks who help define the term “elite”, both having excellent seasons and quite possibly at least one of them Super Bowl-bound. But we’re also looking at two iffy defenses, so what this’ll come down to is an offensive slug-fest. Tom and his friend Rob are crashing Aaron and Jordy’s party, and then intend to fuck up the carpet, set the drapes on fire and miss the toilet by a foot.
Which, let’s be honest, is a pretty typical weekend for this guy.
Here’s how I see this going down: both teams have an excellent first half, and Rodgers will tire out his offensive unit by refusing to make substitutions. Bill Belichick, loving to do things by committee and change rate of play when necessary, will have his Patriots offense much more energetic as the clock ticks down. Eddie Lacy will wind down and be ready for a nap before the fourth quarter, while Vereen, Gray and Blount will still be ready to go. I mean yes, it’s Aaron Rodgers at home… but the Patriots haven’t lost a game in two months. Two months.
Bold prediction: Gronkowski sustains an injury in this game. It’s a terrible thing to say, but he’s due for one.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Take it away, John Gruden…
JG: Hey thanks Bryan. You know, I like this game. A lot. Two absolute Titans at their positions playing that the absolute height of their game, you know Jaws –
BMK: Bryan
JG: Like I was saying Jaws, you just don’t get much better than Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers. I really like Tom Brady. He’s an amazing football player and all around great human being, why sometimes I call him when my wife’s out of town, did you know that, Jaws?
And Aaron Rodgers? Boy, don’t get me started on Aaron Rodgers, he makes the rest of us look like we’ve been living on Mars for the last ten years or so.
BMK: So who do you like in this game?
JG: I don’t know. Sports are icky.
PACKERS
—–
BRONCOS at CHIEFS
D.T.: A year ago, I was watching this exact same match-up at the exact same point in the season, in a brewery in Downtown Denver. The Broncos struggled, as they always do in pressure, but ended up rallying for a victory in the end (35-28). I expect this game to play out just like that, because these two teams are neck and neck in the AFC West. Peyton Manning doesn’t do well when he’s uncomfortable, and it’s going to be 48 degrees in an open stadium that’s loud as hell. I’m going to be bold, and say the Chiefs take a narrow victory this time around.
CHIEFS
BMK: I think you’re right on the upset, but I need to gain ground on you, so….
BRONCOS
—–
DOLPHINS at JETS
D.T.: Geno Smith is back under center. Rex Ryan is definitely getting shit-canned. They’re going to lose in front of a national audience on prime time, when everyone’s already bummed about being back at work after a four day weekend. All is as it should be in New York.
DOLPHINS
BMK: This is the Monday night game? It’s like Goddell is trolling us…
DOLPHINS
—–
D.T.: And there it is. Shit gets real from here on out, folks. We’ve got some really bizarre things happening in several divisions, and we’re going to see some serious do-or-die competition for playoff seeding. I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. And this week, I didn’t forget about the graphics! In fact, I drove to the office this morning on Thanksgiving to make sure we’d have them. That’s how thankful I am for this article, and my esteemed partner. Cheers man, and have a fantastic holiday!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and be safe in your holiday travels. Goodnight!
PS – the office is on my way to a last-minute liquor run for dinner today.
BMK: I’m just thankful this column is over for this week. It was hard. :`-(
THUD NFL Picks Week 12
Week Twelve…it’s time to delve!
WEEK TWELVE
D.T.: Week 12 is upon us. The Raiders are the very first team officially out of running for the post-season, and they’ve completed a full calendar year since their first win. Happy anniversary!
Week 11 shocked the hell out of a lot of people — especially those with predispositions to wearing orange. The Broncos lost an absolute stunner against the Rams, putting the Chiefs in a key position to actually take the lead in the AFC West. The Texans pulled somewhat of an upset, as former Tom Brady-shadow and clipboard commando, Ryan Mallett, claimed his first starting victory over the Browns with a little help from his new friend JJ Watt. And not least of all, fans of the Bengals received quite a shock when their team marched into New Orleans and left the Saints in shambles.
But it’s cool. This guy totally got back at them by stealing from a girl.
Overall, it was a fine week of football, and week 12 should be interesting, as well!
BMK: So last week was the first week ever where the NFL had multiple matchups of teams that were over .666 in winning percentage. How did that go?
For the most part, it was sort of meh. So let that be a lesson to you young whippersnappers out there: multiples aren’t always a good thing!
The Green Bay destroyed the Eagles, continuing the trend of Green Bay’s regular season dominance. I’m still not impressed by them as a whole (gaudy stats aside). What has Green Bay done in the playoffs (or for me) lately? Nothing. That’s what. They’re a team built for regular season dominance. They’re like a team composed of nothing but Peyton Mannings: build for speed but not to last. Paging Roy Batty…
I want more playoff wins…father.
The Patriots obliterated the Colts. Unleashing a serious of dumb Gronk jokes. That dude is quickly working my last nerve…
And the Cardinals beat the Lions. Which was really cool, if you should ask me. Although you could’ve turned the game off in the first ten minutes of the first quarter. Oh well, a win is a win, right?
Off to the picks!
—–
CHIEFS at RAIDERS
D.T.: …but, not so fast. First, we have to slog through yet another shitty Thursday Night Football game, wherein the Oakland Raiders stab hated rivals the Denver Broncos by allowing the Chiefs and easy win and the number one spot in the division, for at least a couple of days.
No witty joke here. I just find Raiders owner Mark Davis fucking hilarious.
CHIEFS
BMK: For those of you that don’t know about the behind the scenes machinations of this column, let me give you a quick n dirty on how this wonderfulness is brought to you ever week…
Usually around Wednesday, DT will send me his picks and pictures. I spend the rest of the day pissed off because his stuff is so thoughtful and funny. Then, sometime Thursday afternoon, after I’ve been kicked out of Jim’s in Union City, I stumble home drunk and I write my portion. I then post the column, irritated that I’ve added very little value and pissed off at CHUD for their passive aggressive treatment of this here sports column.
Why is any of this important?
Because I want you understand the absolute shock I went through when I saw that picture of Mark Davis. Imagining opening your email to THAT. The Raiders are “only” worth 787 billlion dollars, which is dead last in the NFL, but even at such Pauper’s wages, can’t this motherfucker afford to hire a stylist? Pro-tip Marky: bowl cuts look creepy after the age of 6. I’m bald and even I don’t covet that strawberry mop you have on your head. Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh, uh, yeah, the Chiefs will win.
CHIEFS
—–
BROWNS at FALCONS
D.T.:
The Browns welcome back star Wide Receiver Josh Gordon this week, as they take on the Falcons. Josh Gordon’s has had quite the season, so far: I hear he almost sold a Ford Focus — then the customer realized he had misheard Gordon and was not being invited to “Go Smoke Dis”. Gordon should find success upon returning to his Cleveland squad: the team was enjoying a three-win streak until being stopped short by the Texans. Atlanta, on the other hand managed to squeak out a win, despite themselves, against an ever-ailing Panthers team. Cam Newton provided very little resistance to Matt Ryan and his Falcons, and has admitted his poor performance has been to due injury. I think there’s more to it, but at least Carolina has a bye week to sort things out. Getting back on track, I see the Browns commanding this game in Atlanta, and sticking another feather in their caps.
Because birds have feathers. GET IT?!
“Damn, D.T., you even higher than me.”
BROWNS
BMK: Karlos “Nosferatu” Dansby just announced he’ll be rehabbing his sprained MCL like a vampire. Meaning he’ll be eating lots of lobster and mashed potatoes. Uh…wot?
“Must have lobster!”
BROWNS
—–
TITANS at EAGLES
D.T.: I think we’re all impressed with Zach Mettenberger at this point. The kid went from getting wiped out and taunted by JJ Watt the previous week to standing toe-to-toe with Ben Roethelisberger, and out-throwing him by 60 yards and a touchdown. The Steelers would ultimately take a frustrating win over the Titans, however, as they’d claim a 3 point lead and cling to it by running the ball for the entire fourth quarter. Still, the Titans have to be riding high right now, and their secondary put on a fine display Monday night. They sacked Big Ben five times, and held him to just over 200 yards passing, and this week, they’re up against another powerhouse offense in the Eagles. Philly was smacked down pretty hard by the Packers, but it wasn’t the fault of Mark Sanchez, who actually edged out Aaron Rodgers in passing yards. The Eagles defense simply couldn’t contain the Green Bay offensive unit — however, Mettenberger is no Rodgers, and the Titans defense will have a harder time keeping up with Philly’s multi-threat offense. I think Philadelphia will walk away with this one.
EAGLES
BMK: Okay, so maybe last week was the wrong week to declare my love for the Sanchise. But, as DT pointed out above, he didn’t do so bad in last week’s beat down. This week he should do even better and come away with a ‘W.’ But who cares? Philadelphia is still Philadelphia and Philadelphia sucks.
EAGLES
—–
LIONS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: The Lions had a tough time of it in Arizona, where the Cardinals defense held them to zero touchdowns in all four quarters, and their next stop on this road trip is the home of yet another solid passing defense. We’ve all be looking for Calvin Johnson to make his fabled comeback, but against top-tier backfields and this late in the season, he’s hard-pressed to make it happen. I read a pretty in-depth report today about how the Lions’ offense is struggling so much because of conservative play-calling, and a focus on short throws. That was all fine and well back when they only had one wide-out of note, and he was pulling coverage. Now that they have two excellent receivers out there, it’s time to make shit happen. Lombardi needs to let Stafford do what Stafford does best, and that’s connect with his receivers on deep balls.
Let this guy get balls deep, Lombardi.
Still… it’s the damned Patriots. As good as the Lions’ defense is, nothing seems to contain the continuing saga of the Brady-Gronkowski Bromance. The team is on fire, and they’re going to win.
PATRIOTS
BMK: If this game were in Detroit I’d be more inclined to give it to them, since Detroit’s defense is still pretty badass. But New England generally doesn’t lose at home, so….
PATRIOTS
—–
PACKERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The first meeting these two teams had resulted in the first collective “Oh… fuck…” from spectators the country over. It was then that we knew Rodgers was back in top form, and we’d see some special things out of him this season. Last week, he was laughing so hard at the Eagles defense that they’ve since made a public issue of it. Expect Rodgers to just flat out piss himself laughing this week. And expect Teddy to piss himself when he sees Clay Matthews playing inside linebacker again.
Maybe more than piss.
PACKERS
BMK: I think I covered the Packers pretty well in the opening remarks. As for the Vikings? Feh. This aint their year.
PACKERS
—–
JAGUARS at COLTS
D.T.: There are two things more shameful than the Jacksonville Jaguars. One is the Oakland Raiders.
The other is this guy’s denim jacket.
COLTS
BMK: The third thing more shameful than the Jaguars is how I spent my 20s…
What can I say…it paid well.
COLTS
—–
BENGALS at TEXANS
D.T.: Oof. After last week’s games, this one’s hard to pick a winner for. Ryan Mallett showed real promise in his first outing, and the Texans are willing to pull out every trick in the book to win. Andy Dalton is inconsistent as hell, the Bengals are playing barely acceptable football, and yet they’re still 6-3-1. I’m inclined to call the Browns a harder team to beat than the Bengals now, and I think if the Texans can keep up that creativity and fearlessness, they can pull out a win.
TEXANS
BMK: Gah! Who do you trust here? The Ginger of Doom or Ryan “The Hammer” Mallett?
Of course, neither is an appropriate answer too. The Texans still have JJ Watt. So I guess I’ll go with them this week.
TEXANS
—–
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: As of right now, the Bills organization is offering $10 an hour and free tickets to help shovel snow… and Buffalo is expecting seven feet of snow for the game. SEVEN FEET. Watching players run the field is going to be like looking at those little pin things moving around in a freshly-shaken Etch-A-Sketch. The Bills are unable to even practice because they can’t get to the facility. This game is going to be wildly entertaining because there’s a real possibility that no one will even make it to the field. If they do, we’re in for a hysterical mess that we’ll all be talking about clear into next season. I guess… uh… hell, let’s give it to Buffalo. Anything can and will happen here.
BILLS
BMK: Seven feet of snow? Man…not even God wants to see the Jets play the Bills, and he loves EVERYBODY.
BILLS
—–
BUCCANEERS at BEARS
D.T.: Tampa Bay Head Coach Lovie Smith pays his first visit to the team that fired him, two years ago. This is like running into your ex-girlfriend two years after breaking up, wherein she’s moved on with an average-looking but respectable dude, and you’ve spent your time drinking cheap beer eating chocolate frosting. Sadly, the Bucs actually have more to gain this week, since they’re still in the playoff hunt in such a shitty division. It’s incredible that the Bucs have a 2-8 record, halfway through the season, and they’re only two games under their division’s leaders. The Bears can probably concede to the fact that the Lions and Packers own their division this season, so this win is really just a slap in the face to Lovie. And I believe that slap will be firm.
Avoiding eye contact from across the field will be key.
BEARS
BMK: Has any team this year disappointed more than the Bears? I mean, besides Team Krol?
It seems like everyone expected them to be way more competitive than they’ve turned out to be. Which is a shame, because I think football is better when Chicago is doing well.
BEARS
—–
CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Okay, what I’m about to say does not come from a place of bias, or being an Arizona local: the Seahawks are a vulnerable, beatable team if the Cardinals have their heads in the game. Bruce Arians’ squad is notorious for having trouble covering Tight Ends, and Seattle has none to speak of. Seattle’s middling receiver corps is going to match up against Arizona’s backfield in the Cardinals favor, as Corners Patrick Peterson and Antonio Cromartie are playing at peak level right now. Richard Sherman has been on the slow side this season, and he’s been getting smoked by receivers quite a bit; Arizona would do well to match him with speedster John Brown. The three biggest opponents Arizona will have to face in this match-up are Marshawn Lynch, Russell Wilson and their own mental demons. The Arizona run defense has been excellent, and putting pressure on Wilson by blitzing will limit his options. This is a winnable game, even in Seattle, if the Cardinals can keep their heads free of divisional rival and defending champion psyche-outs.
CARDINALS
BMK: DT makes a convincing argument. However, Seattle’s back is against the wall. And that’s when Seahawks are at their most dangerous. Or something.
Do Seahawks even have backs? I mean, I guess they do, being three dimensional beings and all. Speaking of Euclidian geometry, can you imagine an extra-dimensional seahawk? A fourth dimensional seahawk would just be a long line of seahawks. And a fifth dimensional Seahawk would be badass. It could score touchdowns, defend the pass, and tell Matt McConaughey’s daughter how to find NORAD using binary code.
Regardless of DTs sage wisdom, I’m going with the Seahawks this week.
If the Cardinals win I’ll celebrate like this kid…
SEAHAWKS
—–
RAMS at CHARGERS
D.T.: The Rams defeated the Broncos last week, pretty handily. Was it a fluke, or something more? They travel to San Diego to face another offense-heavy AFC West team, but one with a struggling quarterback. The Chargers looked shaky last week against the Raiders, in a surprisingly-low scoring match-up, in which Rivers only threw one touchdown completion. The Rams defense is fired up, and you know what? I think they’ll put the fear in San Diego’s quarterback, who’s desperate for a rebound. Expect a low-scoring affair, with the Rams defense commanding the field.
RAMS
BMK: I have a soft spot in my heart for the Rams. Of course, after my bypass I have a soft spot in my heart for everyone. Hiyo.
Anyway, the Rams are a lot closer than I think people give them credit for. Their defensive line is a goddamn monster at the very least, and I expect that monster to eat Philip Rivers whole, pausing only to spit out his ridiculous bolo tie.
RAMS
—–
DOLPHINS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Broncos’ offense took a hit last week, while squaring off against the Rams. Running Back Montee Ball, Tight End Julius Thomas and WIde Receiver Emmanuel Sanders are all currently questionable to appear in this week’s game against the Dolphins. If the latter two are out, it could spell trouble for Manning: their absence last week was noticeable, and threw Peyton off his rhythm. He’s a quarterback who loves his comfort zone, and shifting it results in frustration and mistakes. It’s key for the Dolphins to be aware of that, and exploit it: turnovers, dropped passes and trouble maintaining organization could all result in a bounty for the ‘Fins, if they want it. Dolphins Quarterback Ryan Tannehill is still on a roll, but his questionable offensive line is going to be ripped up by Denver’s defense. It’ll be interesting if this match-up ends up being a defensive struggle, with both powerful offenses feeling helpless. I think it’ll be close. For right now, though, until we know the status of Thomas and Sanders, I’ll stick with the Broncos for the home win.
BRONCOS
BMK: Peyton lost last week. To the Rams. Let that sink in a for a second.
Anyway, Peyton is 63-2-1 when facing an animal mascot the week after losing to an animal mascot. So He’ll beat the Dolphins handily.
BRONCOS
—–
REDSKINS at 49ERS
D.T.: Holy shit, could things be any worse in Washington? Their Quarterback has physically and emotionally buckled under the weight of being a would-be-savior to a doomed franchise. Everyone is pointing the finger at someone else, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the general feeling of the locker room was more doom and gloom than even Oakland’s. The Niners are a bit of a mess too, but at least everyone knows who’s to blame there.
“ISIS. It’s ISIS, right?”
The Niners claimed a narrow victory over the sloppy Giants, and they’ll find themselves easily dominating a Redskins team that’s dominated by their own directionless in-fighting and lack of drive.
49ERS
BMK: So I picked up Grand Theft Auto V for the Xbox One on Tuesday, and I started playing the Franklin storyline. After playing it for a bit, I got bored, so I started driving like an a-hole, shooting up the town, and generally acting like an anti-social arch-criminal. Then it hit me: I’m role playing Aldon Smith!
49ERS.
—–
COWBOYS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Giant’s defense simply won’t be able contain a rested Romo and Murray. They’re in absolute free fall, suffering from a current streak of five losses. There’s not much else to say, here… I’m not even sure the Giants will rebound against the Jaguars next week.
“Wait. Do you guys feel that? It feels like someone almost said something halfway-nice about us!”
COWBOYS
BMK: The Giants are done and I think everyone knows it. I’m not sure they psychologically recovered from losing to Seattle a couple weeks back.
Now the speculation can begin: who’s replacing Coughlin next year? My vote? Rex Ryan.
COWBOYS
—–
RAVENS at SAINTS
D.T.: It’s getting to be do-or-die mode for both of these teams. The Ravens are one game behind the Steelers for first place in the AFC North, and they’ve no doubt spent their bye week planning a push for a low seed in the playoffs. The Saints are heavily invested as well, being involved in the aforementioned 4-win-tie in the NFC South. The first time to get their shit together in that division will be the one to take it; why it hasn’t been the Saints is beyond even my encyclopedic knowledge of football. The bi-polar season they’re having must be maddening to their fans, and failing last week to contain the Quarterback with the worst passer rating in 50 years is pretty inexcusable. I give it to the Ravens this week: they’ve got more at stake, and there’s actually some drive there, whereas the Saints are just floating along.
RAVENS
BMK: I’m not sure I’m buying the Saints losing three straight, especially not while playing in the Superdome. Brees is still Brees and the Ravens defense is not what it’s used to be (especially against the pass), so I’m taking the Saints here.
SAINTS
—–
DT: Next week is Thanksgiving! And what we have to be thankful for, besides our health, families, beer and Kelvin Benjamin? Some decent fucking match-ups while we feast. We’ve got three solid and exciting divisional match-ups that all mean something: Bears at Lions, Eagles at Cowboys and Seahawks at Niners. The rest of the week looks to be a bit of a mess, but at least we’ll all have left-over pie to sweeten things a bit. Thanks folks, and good night!
BMK: Next week the only thing I’ll be thankful for is Reddi-Whip. And Kat Dennings.
I just want you all to know that I avoided the obvious boob joke here.
THUD Week 11 Picks
Week Eleven…Go to Hell, go to Heaven!
D.T.: I think we’re getting better at this, Krol. We were 69% on picks in week 10, and only under bizarre, unforeseen circumstances were we wrong! The Saints and 49ers found themselves in an overtime nail-biter, so we can’t be blamed for getting that one wrong. And who the hell saw the Jets beating the Steelers after the last two games Roethlisberger orchestrated?
Well, this guy, allegedly. But I don’t put much stock in his foresight.
I hope this week holds more surprises, because it looks pretty flat on paper (goddamn, I get funnier every week). Let’s get into it, and see if we can’t break 70%, Krol!
BMK: I’m not sure if we’re getting better at this or we’re finally getting a feel for this weird NFL season. As you wrote above DT, who saw the Jets beating the Steelers? No one. Except one guy on CBS Sports who picked them. Boy howdy, did I have a laugh at his expense. I held his pick up to contemptuous ridicule, I did. When he was right though, I had egg on my face. And I started writing like an 19th Century British Cockney, what!
Oh, and just for the record, I scored more in 1995 than Ben Roethlisburger in the Jets game. SIC SEMPER TYRANIS Rex Ryan!
This guy doesn’t care if your jokes fall flat…and yeah, I just made a joke that references a 19th Century geometry book.
—–
BILLS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The only consistency in the AFC East is that the Patriots will win — and even that was questionable a few weeks ago. It’s easy to want to pick the Dolphins because of how they’ve been performing, and how they held their own against a Detroit squad with a stellar defense and their star receiver back on the field. However, this could easily turn into a surprising game, and either team could walk away with a 6-4 record. It’s encouraging for Bills fans that the team’s first injury report for this week lists Sammy Watkins as a full participant and Fred Jackson has been bumped up to limited. Even so, I’m going to stick with the Dolphins to take this, and lift themselves to second place in the division.
DOLPHINS
BMK: This column is a lot like the AFC East. Like the Patriots, DT always came to play and played at a high level, winning and going on to great things. Over the years, the rest of the division pulled the Patriots down with them. That’s what I do to DT every week. I’m bringing him down to my level. I’d feel bad about it, but I have so little in my life I love diminishing others. It’s a problem I’ve been working on, to very little success. I’m thinking about trying heroin next week and wearing nothing but a loincloth on public transportation. That might help.
Oh, yeah. The pick. Ummmm… Dolphins.
DOLPHINS.
—–
VIKINGS at BEARS
D.T.: In week 9, the Vikings earned a narrow victory over the Redskins, and the right to relax during their week 10 bye. The Bears, on the other hand, spent week 10 in football hell, being pummeled mercilessly by a red-hot Packers offense.
Who also happened to score a lot of points.
You can’t help but just feel bad for Chicago. The Packers and Lions were cruel enough to let the Bears and Vikings think they had a real shot at a wide-open division, before slamming the door shut and giving them the finger through the window. Now, the Bears have dropped to four games beneath the Lions, and the Vikes aren’t fairing much better. The Bears compete to tie for last place, and the Vikings compete just to keep a step ahead of those poor bastards in blue and orange.
Possible look at the effectiveness of Chicago’s secondary.
I’m going to have to give it to the Vikings. In a battle of the bad, I’ll give it to the rested team over the brutally downtrodden team.
VIKINGS
BMK: Besides the AFC South, is there a less compelling division in the NFL besides the NFC North? The Bears stink, the Vikings are more interesting off the field than on, and the Lions are above Green Bay only by a game. Seriously, the Brown Bunny is more interesting than this game.
VIKINGS
—–
TEXANS at BROWNS
D.T.: Was two weeks off enough time for Jadeveon Clowney to get over his mysterious illness? Who knows. We know that Arian Foster has been fighting through a groin injury, and is eager to make a week 11 return. He and JJ Watt have become to the two bright points on the team’s roster amidst problems including a shuffling of QBs, and the two will likely continue to impress in week 11 against the Browns, and carry their respective units. Speaking of the Browns: they enjoyed a nice, leisurely week 10 and an effortless victory over the Bengals. They’re likely to be playing on a high, and will most likely win this one, too.
Hey, remember when Manziel was relevant enough to make jokes about?
BROWNS
BMK: Manziel will always be relevant to make fun of. That kid is a douche. While I was hoping to see him play so I could watch him fall flat on his over-privileged face, knowing that he’s riding the pine is good enough for me.
BROWNS
—–
FALCONS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Well, Cam Newton certainly didn’t rediscover his confidence and abilities last week, did he? Carolina fans are becoming restless, having come into the season knowing their defense would be hindered but hoping for energy from their offense. The most exciting thing to come from Carolina this year has been Kelvin Benjamin, but I’m sure people are tired of hearing me talk about him. But come on — how many bad set ups has Cam given him, and he still pulls through? Cam’s porous offensive line demands a healthy share of the blame, though. I really want to say that the Panthers will pull a win out from this match-up against the Falcons’ bottom-of-the-barrel defense, but this is fundamentally a team sport and the Carolina squad needs to go back to working on fundamentals.
FALCONS
BMK: Ugh. This gif reflects what I think about this game.
FALCONS.
—–
BENGALS at SAINTS
D.T.: My, how the ginger has fallen. Last week, Andy Dalton earned the lowest passer rating in game in over 50 years. Let’s think about this: Philip Rivers was completely shut out by the Dolphins, and received the fifth highest passer rating in that game — somehow even behind the opposing team’s number one Wide Receiver. Dalton managed to make that performance look good.
“Thanks, I guess!”
Meanwhile, the Saints would have beaten the 49ers in overtime, if Jimmy Graham hadn’t pushed off a defender and reversed the team’s last touchdown score with a pass interference call. Brees is finding himself prone to turnovers, but he’s still operating his offense with more composure and leadership than Dalton is. Their defense should have an okay time containing the Bengal’s Gio Bernard-less offense and allowing Brees and his receiver corps to control the game.
SAINTS
BMK: Goddamn it Saints, you had one job last week. ONE JOB! And you couldn’t even do that right. All I wanted was to be able to drive around the Bay this week listening to the wailing and gnashing of teeth from 49er fans and guess what? You blew it on a 4th and 10. You’re dead to me.
You should feel bad, Drew. Very, very bad…
But the Bengals suck worse, so….
BENGALS
—–
BUCCANEERS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s pretty clear that Lovie Smith doesn’t belong as a coach in the NFL. He was given the boot by Chicago in 2012, after achieving four winning records out of nine seasons, and narrowly missing the playoffs in 2012. It took him a year and the firing of Greg Schiano before he’d find his unhappy, unstable home in Florida — and he’ll likely be looking for another job by 2015. The Buccaneers defense is such a mess that they’re likely not to contain even the rusty Robert Griffin III, who’s lost both games he started in this season. Neither of these teams deserve a win right now — the Bucs for playing like shit, and the Redskins for shafting Kirk Cousins. But, being forced to make a choice before moving on, I’ll go with the ‘Skins.
REDSKINS
BMK: The only thing I know for sure about this game is that it’s completely meaningless.
BUCCANEERS
—–
BRONCOS at RAMS
D.T.: Ah, Rams. As a Cardinals fan, I’m happy you landed that win against the 49ers. However, Arizona had to thank you themselves by taking you to task, and now the Broncos will put you down, hard. Your coach can’t even decide which Quarterback to start, and you’re definitely looking at a 3-7 record at the end of this week. Maybe next year, we’ll join forces and dominate the Lynch-less Seahawks and Harbaugh-free Niners.
Maybe next year, Rambros.
BRONCOS
BMK: The Broncos are going to stomp the Rams harder than Devin Faraci stomped on the 3rd act of Batman Begins.
BRONCOS
——
NINERS at GIANTS
D.T.: San Francisco squeaked out a win against the Saints last week, thanks to a poor move by Jimmy Graham in the zero hour. The week before, they lost a really lack-luster match-up against the Rams. They’re not in good shape, and though their defense is stout as hell, this might be an ample opportunity for the Giants to bounce back. In the first half of their week 10 visit to Seattle, Eli and Company looked decent enough, but the Seattle team rallied in the second half, scoring three touchdowns and setting a franchise record for rushing yards in a game (shared mostly by Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch). New York’s rush defense is exposed, and while San Francisco continues to misuse Frank Gore, you can expect Kaepernick to capitalize on space to run it himself, just like Wilson did. And Aldon Smith will be back in active duty, which will give Manning trouble. It’s a toss-up, but I’ll go with a San Francisco win.
NINERS
BMK: DT, you’re giving the Giants too much credit. The 49ers are going to win this game handily. If for no other reason than the fact that God hates me.
Pictured: God, when asked what he thinks of me.
49ers
—–
SEAHAWKS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Battle of the Wildly Unpredictable Teams with Powerful Running Games. And damn, are these two teams evenly matched. Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch edges out both Jamaal Charles and Knile Davis in terms of rushing yardage and touchdowns, while Russell Wilson and Alex Smith are having nearly identical seasons on paper. And both are prone to interception. The Chiefs’ defense will likely have a more difficult time containing Lynch than the Hawks’ secondary will with Charles and Davis, but most of this battle will take place on the ground. The team that mans up and makes plays in the air will likely be the one to win, and my guess is that’ll be Seattle.
Here’s a stupidly-hot member of the Sea Gals squad. Just because.
SEATTLE
BMK: You know, I got an intuition here. I’m going to go with my gut.
I prefer brunettes.
CHIEFS
—–
RAIDERS at CHARGERS
D.T.: I read today that it’s been over 365 days since the Raiders have won a regular season game. Holy shit. Yes, they’ve gotten better since Tony Sparano took over as head coach, but that’s like saying “Hey, you beat cancer but you lost both arms, legs and your penis.”
“Who needs a penis, anyway?!”
CHARGERS
BMK: Every time I see the name Tony Sparano, I read it as Tony Soprano. Which makes think of Big Pussy. Which makes me giggle like school girl.
CHARGERS
—–
LIONS at CARDINALS — THUD GAME OF THE WEEK
D.T.: Two of the most interesting story lines in this league this year, converging. The Lions have been without their star wide receiver for over a month, their star Running Back and Tight End have been in and out, and yet they keep on winning. The Cardinals’ defense has suffered several blows, their starting Quarterback missing games due to a nerve injury, and they’ve kept winning. Things are different now though, as said Quarterback, Carson Palmer, has suffered a career-ending injury to his left ACL.
To those not directly familiar with the team (like apparently 90% of the sports media) this looks like a devastating blow to the Arizona offense, and a season-destroying turn of events. However, back-up Drew Stanton took over when Palmer was sidelined with the shoulder issue, and went on to lead the team to a victory against divisional rivals, the 49ers. He’s one of the best back-up Quarterbacks in the league and he’s very familiar with Head Coach Bruce Arians’ tricky schemes, which have driven the team to an 8-1 record. The loss of Palmer is a big one, but there are few QB’s better suited to step into his role than Stanton. Plus, the Cardinals still have a heavy defense, solid running game anchored by Andre Ellington, and a stellar receiver corps.
The return of Detroit’s star Running Back, Calvin Johnson, was heralded with a touchdown and 113 passing yards in their week 10 victory over the Dolphins. Johnson’s usage as a decoy is apparently no more, as he looked fast and sharp, despite good coverage from Miami’s Brent Grimes. It’ll be interesting to see how Cardinals Cornerback Patrick Peterson (who’s currently tied for most penalties this season) handles the 6’5″ Megatron, with the physical style of coverage he’s known for using. It’ll take some muscle and focus to overtake Johnson without filling University of Phoenix Stadium with yellow flags.
This will be a tough match for the 8-1 Cardinals; perhaps their most difficult since Denver. Their defense is spirited and capable, and their offense won’t take too much of a hit with Palmer sidelined. Where it’s going to count is containing Detroit’s passing game, and making sure they don’t give the Lions’ secondary any opportunities to turn the ball over. If they can do that — and we’ve seen that they can — they can win this.
Watching this game, my knuckles are going to be whiter than Larry Fitzgerald’s teeth.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game. This fucking game…
I’m an old school Cardinals fan. I had season tickets in 1998 and 1999, when they played in Sun Devil. September home games were hell. You don’t know misery until you’ve sat and watched your team lose to the Seattle Seahawks 37-7 when it it’s 107 degrees in the shade. And cousin, my seats weren’t in the shade.
But after all those years of misery and losing, it’s still surreal to me that the Cardinals are 8-1 and playing one of the most significant games in their long history. Even the year they went to the Superbowl they sort of backed into the playoffs. No one gave them a chance of winning at all (they were 3 point dogs at home against Atlanta). To put it mildly, this team has never gotten a lot of respect.
That’s all changed now. Perceptions are changing. Last week, Vegas pegged their odds of winning the Superbowl at 10-1. Not bad, considering where they were prior to that. National media is talking about them in a complimentary way. Bruce Arians is up for coach of the year. Things are good.
Then Palmer goes down. For the year.
Now, I think Drew Stanton is a serviceable QB. There will be some drop-off, but I’m not sure how much (one magazine wag compared the change to when Van Halen replaced Roth with Hagar, and not so much when Cherone replaced Hagar. I can buy that.). But I think Stanton can win.
Still…the old Cardinals fan in me is expecting a seven game losing streak and them missing the playoffs with a record of 8-8.
The Old Cardinals Fan in me is a jealous and bitter God from the elder days that must be appeased. And appease him I shall.
LIONS
—–
EAGLES at PACKERS
D.T.: Mark Sanchez is enjoying success so far, in his return to the position of starting Quarterback in the NFL. Last week, instead of shoving his head up someone else’s ass, he watched as Cam Newton shoved his up his own ass. Sanchez would go on to throw two touchdowns, and best Newton’s passing yards by over 30. It’s too early to compare him to Foles, but so far, Sanchez has been getting passes out faster and Chip Kelly’s offense has been moving at a snap at every 15 seconds. The last thing this team needs is another Quarterback controversy, but Sanchez appears to be a solid stopgap, and we’ll see how this plays out once Foles is healthy again.
Matt Flynn, on the other hand, is in no immediate danger of ever having to start for the Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers threw for a near-effortless six touchdowns and 315 yards in their demolishing of Chicago’s spirit. The Packers are nigh unstoppable at the moment, and the Eagles will be hard-pressed to maintain coverage and keep up. This could turn out to be an okay game, but I’ll put my chips on the Pack.
PACKERS
BMK: Count me as a backer of the Sanchise. Yeah, when he was a Jet we teased him a lot cause we had him on the spot, but I think he was good QB caught in a bad system. A lot of people tend to forget Sanchez played in a few AFC Championship games (I’m too lazy to Google, so I’m going to say he played in at least ten). Now that he’s with the Eagles and Chip Kelly, this team could get scary. By which I mean they might wear Halloween masks to their games. And some of those masks are downright frightening.
Can you imagine how scary the O-Line would be if they were all wearing these?
EAGLES
—–
PATRIOTS at COLTS
D.T.: If there’s one game you shouldn’t bet a single cent on this week, this is it. Unless you’re Lovie Smith, and you know you’ll be in desperate need of money soon.
Smith shows us just how deep in the shit he is.
No one knows what to make of this game. The bloggers, analysts, stats nerds and couch commandos (all of which Krol and I somehow embody) have come up with such ridiculous facts to decide who will in this, such as Tom Brady’s record on the road against teams with winning records. Really? People out there are justifying declaring the Patriots as early victors because Tom Brady has won more times than lost while visiting teams with winning records. It makes the Football Baby look like fucking Nostradamus.
This is an actual thing. Dude puts a baby in a football costume, and it picks the winners by falling down.
If getting sleepy and falling down is a socially acceptable form of telling the future, then give me and Krol a keg. We’ll predict the next four Presidential elections, the titles of the new Star Wars movies, and the next eruption of Mount Kilimanjaro. Oh, right. Patriots at Colts. Let’s see… it’s going to be Tom and Andrew’s day, as everyone knows. Luck has the better receiver corps, but Brady has Gronkowski, who is a wild card every time he’s on the field. The Colts also have the edge in rushing, as long as the Patriots play their fumble machine, Shane Vereen, and the Colts limit playtime for theirs, Trent Richardson. It’s going to be close and I wouldn’t be surprised if both teams find themselves scoring in the 30s. However, on a purely gut feeling, I’m going with the Colts holding down the fort at home.
COLTS
BMK: For me, this is the game I’m most interested in seeing this week. The Cardinals/Lions one will give me heart burn and be totally unpleasant experience (unless the Cards win in a rout…not bloody likely…crap! There’s that damn cockney again..).
Anyway, I consulted a witch and we took a look at some goat entrails. It told us Colts. It also told us to get some Indian food. Which we did.
COLTS
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STEELERS at TITANS
D.T.: After the schizophrenic month Roethlisberger has had, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole in fantasy football. However, I will be playing their defense against Tennessee, this weekend. Titans Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt has continued his blatant war against the sport of Football, running yet another team into the ground with reckless abandon. The man couldn’t coach a Quarterback to save his life, and poor Mettenberger doesn’t stand a chance. He was humbled and humiliated by JJ Watt, was held to a single touchdown pass by the Ravens, and he’s not going to fare any better against Pittsburgh. The Steelers are far and away a favorite to rebound here, and take an easy win.
STEELERS
BMK: The funny thing about DTs screed against Wisenhunt – excepting the fact that every word of it is true – prior to Bruce Arians coaching the Cardinals, the people of AZ were deifying Wisenhunt for getting the Cardinals to a Super Bowl. Ah, how the mighty have fallen…
Of course that was before the Max Hall, Derek Anderson, John Skelton, Ryan Lindely, Brian Hoyer, Richard Bartel debacles…
This is what Whisenhunt sees when he goes to sleep…
STEELERS
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DT: Hot damn, I just realized we were fortunate enough to go a week without having to slog through talk about the Jaguars. Next week, they make their triumphant return as fodder for the Colts, while the Raiders end up going 0-11 against the Chiefs. And I didn’t even need to dress up like a football and fall down. Goodnight, folks!
BMK: No we didn’t talk about the Jaguars. However, we’re Jaguars of comedy writing.
Note: There is no recap graphic because DT forgot to send it to me and I was too busy mutilating Depeche Mode songs to create one. But I’m sure I’m winning. Anyway, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings. Cool it.
This post was written and compiled while listening to Depeche Mode’s Music for the Masses and the nagging voice in my head telling me that I should do more with my life.
THUD Picks Week 10
Week Ten — um…Big Ben?!??
D.T.: Interesting week of football, that week nine was. The Brady/Manning match-up we were all anticipating as setting the world on fire ended up a different kind of stunner than expected. Peyton reminded us how susceptible he is to pressure, and Gronk was a real problem for the Denver defense, like we predicted. There were quite a few other shocks around the league and, with a few exceptions, this week looks to keep that momentum going.
BMK: Another week in the books. Another loss for Krol.
Look DT, before you start acting all a’fool up in the Pacific Northwest because you’re winning, remember if I pick our home team, they’re going to lose. So, if you add in all those victories past week 2, I’m only one behind you. So ease up chief, before I fly down to AZ and TP your house.
Anyway, week 10 is generally when the NFL starts looking to the winter, and thoughts of playoff seeding (and love) start to dominate the minds of the young men who play NFL football. Soon we’ll know if these teams are who we thought they were. So…on to the picks…
BROWNS at BENGALS
D.T.: Are the Jaguars improving, or are the Bengals experiencing some real difficulties? Last week, the Cincinnati squad allowed Bortles and his ragtag band of future Londoners 23 points. The only team to allow the Jaguars more was the Browns in week 7, which resulted in Jacksonville’s only win so far. Now, these two divisional rivals meet for the first time this year, in what will no doubt be a battle of man vs self, more than man vs man.
If we’re counting gingers as men, mind you.
I’m going with my gut, and guessing that the Browns find a way to mess up less than the Gio Bernard-less Bengals (even if they do have AJ Green back).
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns have a better record than the 49ers. Let that sink in for a second. I’ll write it again: the Browns have a better record than the 49ers. And they did it with Brian Hoyer.
I’m seriously rooting for Hoyer the Destroyer. So long as Hoyer’s succeeding, Johnny “Future Trade Bait to the Cowboys” Football will keep riding the pine. That’s something which everyone can appreciate.
BROWNS
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CHIEFS at BILLS
D.T.: Last week, the Chiefs took the pieces of the already broken Jets team and smashed them a little more. The Bills had their bye week, and I’m sure thought long and hard about how they’re going to beat anyone besides said Jets, without any Running Backs.
Don’t cry, Fred. At least the Bills have Sammy Watkins.
The Bills are going to have their work cut out of them, trying to take on a Chiefs team hitting their stride. They still lead the league in interceptions, and it’ll be that secondary that decides the outcome of this game — and Alex Smith is no stranger to interceptions. The way the Chiefs are playing lately, though? I have to give this week to them.
CHIEFS
BMK: I’m going to deviate from the norm here and take the Bills. Looking at the numbers, the Bills aren’t a terrible defensive unit and all the Chiefs have going for them offensively is Jamaal Charles. Granted, that’s a pretty good person to have on your side, but I think the Bills will find a way to slow him down.
BILLS
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DOLPHINS at LIONS
D.T.: The fabled return of Megatron. Or so they say. I have to say that I’m a little more than skeptical about his absence — a high ankle sprain has sidelined players for far less time. There seems to be a trend in the league this year of high-profile players choosing not to play for flimsy reasons, with Calvin Johnson and Jadeveon Clowney being amongst them.
Lunch? Hell yeah! I’ll just tell the Texans I have the sniffles.
Then you have other players like Fred Jackson, who I poked fun at above but highly respect, leaving the field in tears, knowing they won’t be back for a while. It’s a strange dichotomy.
Anyway, the Lions have marched right along during Johnson’s absence, with their defense doing much of the heavy lifting. It’ll be interesting to see how Stafford improves with his best receiver lining up again. The two share a similar dynamic to Brady and Gronkowski, where the former is improved overall by the latter. Will we see an explosive display like what took place when the Lions walked over the Giants? How will Golden Tate factor in, being dropped down to WR2 status? Will Megatron simply be a decoy again, with limited reps?
The Dolphins are celebrating success this season, having just completely shut out and embarrassed the San Diego Chargers. Their 5-3 record is well-earned, but they’ve struggled against stout, oft-underestimated defenses. And that’s telling of the possible outcome of this game, as both teams currently sport the two top-ranked defenses in the league. The ‘Fins struggled against both the Bills and Chiefs this year, which have secondaries known for creating turnovers and shutting out the passing game. Ryan Tannehill’s chemistry with his receiver corp will be put to the test in this match-up.
This game could be a fucking shoot out, or these two defenses could hold the game to as much action as Tim Tebow’s prom night.
It’s okay, Tim, you won’t be a virgin forever. Jesus will find you a wife, someday.
However, I’m going to say that the dual threat of Miami’s offense and defense will be more effective than Detroit, with the return of a long-inactive Johnson.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Ryan Tannehill is playing pretty well lately, but I don’t trust them on the road in Detroit. Here’s why: Dolphins are sea creatures and Lions are land creatures. I don’t care how badass a sea creature is, if he’s on the land, he sucks. Unless they’re sharks caught in a tornado.
Oh hell, did I really make a Sharknado reference? As David Byrne once sang, “My God, what have I done?”
All bullshit aside, I’m going with the Lions because they’re at home. Safford is a better QB than Tannehill, despite his improvements, and the Lions are 2nd ranked run defense in the league, which I think will negate the Dolphins 4th ranked rushing attack and make them one dimensional.
These guys would like to talk to you about your virginity, Tim…
LIONS
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COWBOYS at JAGUARS
D.T. The third and final game of the season played in London. No more fan bases getting a home game ripped away from them. Until next season, when Goodell plans to expand the International Series to five games.
How about this: London keeps the fucking Jaguars. They get a whole season of home games each year, and the rest of the 31 teams don’t get screwed. Hell, let’s throw in the Raiders too.
COWBOYS
BMK: While originally the term powerviolence included stylistically diverse bands, powerviolence generally refers to bands who musically focus on speed, brevity, bizarre timing breakdowns, and constant tempo changes. Powerviolence songs are often very short; it is not uncommon for some to last less than twenty seconds. Some groups, particularly Man Is the Bastard, Plutocracy, and No Le$$ took influence from progressive rock, and jazz fusion.
Powerviolence groups tend to be very raw and underproduced, both sonically and in their packaging. Some groups (Man Is the Bastard and Dystopia) took influence from anarcho-punk and crust punk, emphasizing animal rights and anti-militarism. Groups such as Despise You and Lack of Interest wrote lyrics about misanthropy, drugs, and inner-city issues. Groups such as Spazz or Charles Bronson, on the other hand, wrote lyrics mocking points of interest for hardcore and metal fans, or even used inside jokes for lyrics, referencing specific people many of their listeners would not know.
Other groups associated with powerviolence included Noothgrush, The Locust, Dystopia, Assück, His Hero Is Gone, Black Army Jacket,Hellnation, Charles Bronson, and Rorschach. The doom metal group Burning Witch also released on Slap-A-Ham and played shows with powerviolence groups.
COWBOYS
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49ERS at SAINTS
D.T.: The Saints really needed their divisional win against the Panthers last week, boosting them to the top of the NFC South. The Niners really did NOT need their crushing divisional loss to the Rams, which dropped them down to third place in the NFC West. And it’s not like they played a hard-fought game and were robbed. They’re in a really bad way, and played like shit against a team they’re easily superior to. Their spirits are simply broken, and the rumors of Jim Harbaugh being disliked and probably leaving at the end of the season are looming over their heads again. The Saints, on the other hand, look to be in the midst of an up-trend, mirroring the way the Packers turned their season around after a rocky start. Brees is back on point, Ingram is in top form, and the New Orleans team looks poised for a victory on the emotional, physical and scoring fronts.
Kaepernick has a habit of getting tattoos after failed seasons. I have a suggestion for his next trip to the parlor:
SAINTS
BMK: Last week the 49ers lost and this loss was squarely on the shoulders of Greg Roman. Why in the world wasn’t Frank Gore used in a goal line situation? Can anyone explain to me?
I have a theory about why the 49ers keep blowing it during critical situations. Basically it comes down to hubris. Harbaugh and Kaepernick want to prove that they’re the man, collectively and individually, and so dumb plays like a QB Sneak get called when Frank Gore would’ve scored. Or Kaepernick throwing to Crabtree when he’s not open during the NFC title game.
Seriously, once you view the 49ers though that prism, all the baffling decisions they’ve made make sense.
She helped me with my insights this week…
SAINTS
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TITANS at RAVENS
D.T.: Roethlisberger made an absolute mess of the Ravens’ secondary last week, throwing for six touchdowns, and achieving the record for most touchdowns in two consecutive games (with a staggering 12). The Ravens contained the Steelers’ running game, but what sort of accomplishment is that when the other team’s quarterback throws a touchdown every time he gets handed the ball? This week, they take on the Titans who are fresh off a bye after a humiliating loss against the Texans. They’re rolling out with a rookie quarterback in Zack Mettenberger… man, is it just me, or is the list of starting Quarterbacks in the NFL beginning to read like a sports bar menu?
Anyway, the Ravens defense should be terrifying for Mettenberger, who will probably find himself on the wrong end of a few turnovers and tackles. It’ll be the Ravens here, folks.
RAVENS
BMK: I’lll have a Mettenberger with a side of ignominious defeat.
RAVENS
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STEELERS at JETS
D.T.: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than Neil Diamond on tour in 1972.
STEELERS
BMK: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than me in 1995!
Seriously, who could’ve resisted me…besides everyone.
STEELERS
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FALCONS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The Bucs are no doubt still smarting after the absolute fucking pounding they took the last time they faced the Falcons. They’re going to play with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they’re probably going to psyche themselves out. The Falcons will want to increase their winning record to an earth-shattering three, and as long as they don’t underestimate Tampa Bay, they’ll probably earn it. They’ll have Running Back Antone Smith and Defensive Lineman Jonathan Babineaux back on the roster — one ready to punch through Tampa’s bottom-feeding defense, and the other ready to ruin Josh McCown’s day (McCown having recently been named starter over the floundering Mke Glennon). The Bucs do have some weapons in their arsenal, though, like… um…
Uh…
BMK: Yeah Lovie, McCown is going to solve your problems…
Can anyone believe how crappy the NFC South is this year? It’s the weakest division in football, which makes no sense to me, given that football is a religion in the south, and a great many current NFL players went to “school” in the SEC.
Anyway, watching this game will be about as pleasant as watching Rosanne Barr sodomize Mitch McConnell while you’re having a colonoscopy. Avoid at all costs.
FALCONS
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BRONCOS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Someone must have sat Peyton Manning down and had a talk with him. He seemed strangely calm and accepting during the Broncos’ nasty loss against the Patriots last week– which is a stark contrast of his angry outbursts in the game against the Chargers, which went entirely his way.
This week, however, he should be all smiles. There won’t be any noise coming from the Oakland crowd, and they probably haven’t paid the electric bill for their scoreboard. Or the salary of their scoreboard operator.
BRONCOS
BMK: Peyton’s going to tear through the Raider’s secondary like I tear through Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster. By the way, try the Sirancha grilled shrimp at Red Lobster. As Kelly LeBrock said in Weird Science, “Hurts so good!”
BRONCOS
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RAMS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Both of these teams are having a laugh at the expense of their mutual divisional rivals, the Niners. The Rams are a scrappy, determined team capable of beating the Niners in a low-scoring, low-energy upset, but what they’ll find in Arizona will be anything but. The Cardinals are riding high on somehow achieving a 7-1 record, and beating nearly every challenge placed in front of them. The Rams will be hard-pressed to cover the unpredictable Cardinals passing offense, and the agility of Running Back Andre Ellington. What we’re going to see here is a lot of explosive defensive work on both sides, and the Cardinals offense scoring early and holding the Rams to a low-score into the second half. The Rams will find a way to catch up and put pressure on Arizona, but the Cardinals are a solid home team and will find a way to land another divisional win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game gives me all sorts of worries. The Rams beat Seattle (though, to be fair, it took some serious heroics that, if they hadn’t worked, would have gotten Fisher run out of town), and they made the 49ers formerly elite offensive line look as about as effective as a dolphin fighting a lion on land. On paper the Cardinals should handle the Rams easily. This has all the makings of a trap game.
I’m going with the Rams. Mostly because I’m superstitious.
RAMS
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GIANTS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Possibly the most even-matched game this week? The Giants have lost their last three games in a row, but each has been against offensive powerhouses — something you couldn’t really call the Seahawks this season. The ‘Hawks are averaging about 25 points per game and though their defense is ranked in the top five, they’re struggling to keep their heads above water, just barely edging out their last three victories over the Rams, Panthers and Raiders (what weird fucking note to end that sentence on). Manning is less questionable than each of these teams’ quarterbacks, even with his shaky receiver corps (and his tendency so far to neglect Odell Beckham, Jr. who appears to have a high ceiling), and the ‘Hawks are holding teams to fewer yards, but failing to keep teams from converting on third downs. If Eli Manning can keep a cool head and spread the ball around instead of wasting opportunities on Ruben Randle, the Giants will have a shot. However, it’s Seattle at home, and that stadium is likely to keep the under-confident Giants from developing any sort of rhythm. I’m giving it to the Seahawks.
Pete Carroll informs the team that D.T. is not only going to be at the game, but has picked them to win.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: The Seahawks are sliding. Their offense is pedestrian, and their pass rush isn’t what it used to be. Hell, if Oakland hadn’t Oaklanded these cats would have lost to the Raiders. I trust them less than I trust DT when my beer is unprotected.
Of course, they’re playing the Giants at home. So while they’re not what they used to be, they don’t suck either.
SEAHAWKS
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BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: These two NFC North rivals meet again for the second time this season. The Bears have found themselves at the very bottom of the NFC North after their loss to the Patriots, and the Packers suffered quite a shocking lost to the Saints. Both teams have had time to lick their wounds and formulate strategies for this divisional match-up. Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers especially should have benefited from the week nine bye, which couldn’t have come at a better time for his week 8 hamstring injury. If he’s back to 100% and willing to make substitutions to keep the team fresh (failure to do so against the Saints left the Packers offense visibly exhausted), they should do just fine against the Chicago secondary. The Bears are in a do or die situation, and despite having started the season as a strong road team, they’re slipping in a big way. I don’t know if a difficult divisional game against a bitter rival is where they’ll right the ship.
PACKERS
BMK: Ugh. The Bears. Jay “Neckbeard of the North” is just not getting it done, and this isn’t the game that will right the ship either.
Respectfully, the Bears slipping was always going to happen this season. They aren’t particularly talented on either side of the ball (some bright spots, like Brandon Marshall not withstanding), and the NFC North has some heavyweight players in it. Basically, whenever you see the Bears you’re watching the physical expression of reverting to the mean. You’re also watching what happens when players try following a recalcitrant guy who’s allergic to razors.
PACKERS
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PANTHERS at EAGLES
D.T.: The Panthers’ defense has had a tough time of it. The loss of Greg Hardy took more out of them than most expected, and on the other side of the ball, Cam Newton has been playing with a real lack of confidence. The Eagles are at a precarious crossroads, too. Starting Quarterback Nick Foles has suffered a broken collarbone which has him sidelined for six to eight weeks. The speed of their hurry up offense has already taken a big hit this season, and it’ll slow down even more with notorious chicken tender enthusiast, and offensive lineman ass fetishist, Mark Sanchez at the helm. We’re not going to see the same no-huddle energy out of the Eagles for the remainder of this season, and the Panthers would do well to find ways to exploit that. And if Cam Newton can regain his groove, finding his receivers again, the Panthers could win this.
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry for this.
PANTHERS
BMK: Cam Newton, look upon the Sanchise. That’s where you’ll be after your rookie contract is up.
EAGLES
—–
And there we have it! Week 10 of terribly-justified picks that would make professional analysts piss themselves. And give Jon Gruden an excuse for this particular case of pissing himself. Next week holds only two games that look exciting on paper, so savor this week for all it’s worth. I’ll be savoring this sweet, sweet lead I have over Krol.
Yeah yeah yeah…
This post was written and compiled to the sound of my flagging manhood. And the Who.
THUD Picks Week 9
Week 9 — It’s Divine!
D.T.: The halfway mark. The point where each team in the NFL should have a fairly clear view of themselves and where they’re headed this year. Barring injuries or other extenuating circumstances, we’ve cut the chaff from the wheat, and we’re developing a picture of what the playoffs will look like. Right? Fuck no — this is football. Anything can happen, and anything will happen! Like Mark Ingram deciding to be a professional athlete on Sunday night, or Gronkowski breaking franchise records instead of his arms, or Ben Roethelisberger trying to punt!
This shit actually happened. Note the ball traveling 90 degrees from his foot.
And that punt wasn’t even the weirdest thing a Steeler did that day.
What I believed was going to be a dull, uneventful weekend of football ended up being a delightfully bizarre series of events that proved, aside from a few apparent lock-ins, we still have no clue how this season is going to play out. But we’re still going to make wholly uneducated guesses anyway, and have fun doing it!
BMK: Man you nailed it with the “wholly uneducated guesses” line. What are we anyway? Below .500? We have a worse record picking games than using a coin flip to make our picks. Maybe we should do that next week…
Part of that, I think, is due to this year being something of a transitional year for the NFL. The traditional powerhouses of the last few years are fading away and new young teams are coming up.
Or are they?
A few weeks ago, people we leaving the Patriots for dead. Now they’re going to play Denver in the AFC Championship. Earlier this year, some prognosticators had the Saints winning the Super Bowl. Then they were dead. Now they’re back.
Basically no one knows shit. Especially DT. Unlike me, he’s not doing any real homework and analyzing. He’s getting his picks from a bookie. I just know it…
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SAINTS at PANTHERS
D.T.: What the hell is up with the Saints? Are they the team that narrowly beats the Buccaneers, or the team that stomps the Packers in stunning fashion? Their running game, nearly absent this season, was phenomenal, with Mark Ingram in full beast mode, and Drew Brees played like he was back in 2013. Is it a fluke? I think part of it might have been. The Panthers, on the other hand, are at least consistent. They’re a struggling team with small flashes of greatness, but put to the test against potentially superior teams, they lose their way. Last week against the Seahawks (who obviously, as I said last week, have more problems going on than Percy Harvin being a dick), both teams simply couldn’t put it together, and ended up with one touchdown between the two of them, and a handful of field goals. The highlight of the game came when Kelvin Benjamin stunned everyone by beating out both Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas for a 51 yard leaping catch.
That’s a rookie beating out two Pro Pro Bowlers and Super Bowl Champion defenders.
I’ve been unabashed in my appreciation for the kid, but holy shit. We’re looking at the makings of a real star and a possible candidate for Offensive Rookie of the Year, here. He’s somewhat been the Panthers’ saving grace in this tumultuous season, and he’ll play a big role in the no-doubt-bonkers game against the Saints. As to which team will win, the Saints obviously have the higher amount of potential here. If they bring that same intensity, they could control this game. However, all logic and reason go out the window in divisional games, and they could come into Carolina as flat as they have been in previous weeks. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Sunday was their Packers-esque return to form.
SAINTS
BMK: I’m writing this on Saturday night, so I’m not picking this one and counting it as a loss. I would have picked the Saints, but hey, let’s be fair about it, right?
Why am I writing this on a Saturday night? Well, I went to Disneyland on Thursday (one of the benefits of living in California is the possibility for spontaneous Disney trips; the other is getting fondled by Bears in San Francisco’s Mission District), and I came down with some kind of bug. It’s probably SARS. Since I’m not cool enough to get Ebola. L
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BUCCANEERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Last week, the Buccaneers visited the Vikings, who played down to their level and the two rolled into overtime. Minnesota Quarterback Teddy Bridgewater threw for a fairly respectable 241 yards and a touchdown, but turnovers and frustrating mistakes on both sides made the game a difficult one to watch. Naturally, the game ended with a turnover touchdown in overtime, after the Buccaneers received the ball, then promptly had it stripped after their first pass. In a battle of the bad against the Raiders last week, the Browns found themselves held to just under 40 yards rushing, and squeezed out a win with a pair of touchdowns. We get to look forward to more of the same, as these two lunk-headed teams collide. The Browns will come ahead, by an inch or two. Oh, and there’s a chance Jordan Cameron won’t participate, but that’s par the course.
If I just sit here and refuse to play, will they trade me like Percy Harvin?
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are sitting at 4-3, which is the same record as the San Francisco 49ers. Raise your hand if you saw that coming. What’s even better is these two teams will have the same record after this week since the Browns are going to beat the Bucs and SPOILERS the 49ers will beat the Rams this week.
BROWNS
—–
CARDINALS at COWBOYS
D.T.: For those in the know, the Cardinals and Cowboys share an unusual rivalry, fueled mostly by fans. You see, dear readers, before there was a franchise in Arizona, the Cowboys were largely considered the favorite, and as the Cardinals have become more relevant, the two fanbases have grown to resent each other. Both sides get riled up when these two teams play, and this weekend should be no different, as both teams vie for superior records. Last week, the Cardinals hosted the Eagles in what ended up being a tough-as-nails grudge match made interesting by a freak storm of yellow flags that hindered players’ vision, movement and agility. Arizona weather is certainly not known for being unpredictable, and rarely do such atmospheric conditions effect sporting events.
There would have been less mess if they’d made it Penalty Flag Day for the fans.
It was possibly the worst display of officiating we’ve seen this season. The Eagles had a clear touchdown denied, for example, which would have been game-changing. The Cardinals ended up genuinely earning the win with some zero hour defense that would make the Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae nod their heads in approval.
The Cowboys, on the other hand, were locked into an old-timey shoot out with the Redskins last week, lead by third-string quarterback Colt McCoy, who rallied the team to a speedy win in overtime. This’ll be a strange match-up because the Cardinals offense and defense sit firmly in the bottom half of league rankings, and yet… they keep winning. The Cowboys seem to be doing everything right this season, and yet they’re still prone to fluke failures. The biggest question mark on this game is Romo’s status. He left the game against the ‘Skins after taking a knee to his injured back, but returned, albeit visibly shaken and slowed. He’ll have the week to rest and recover, but now he’s got a bullseye on his… well, back, and the Cardinals LOVE their blitzes.
Overall, the ‘Boys have shown they can be beaten by scrappy teams, and there are fewer words better suited to describe the Cardinals right now. I’ll give the win to them. What say you, Krol?
CARDINALS
BMK: The Spartans, DT? Let’s not get out of control here, bro. And lest we forget, the Spartans lost that battle. They just held out longer than anyone thought they would. Really, why do we give them any credit at all? So they stymied a larger force for a few days. Big deal. F the Spartans and F Zach Snyder. That’s what I say.
Oh yeah…Football…
The expert consensus pick here is the Cardinals. As a Cardinals fan, that makes me nervous. But I’m an old school Cardinals fan that expects everything to turn to shit at any moment. Ask DT. Anytime anything remotely positive happens for the other team, I’m texting him that the Cardinals are going to lose. It’s our special Sunday tradition. That and him beating me on picks, the fucker…
On paper, there’s a lot to like in this match-up for the Cardinals. The Cowboy’s strength – running the football – is going up against the 3rd best running defense in the Cardinals. The Cowboys don’t do so well against the blitz and the Cardinals like to blitz. Yeah, they have Dez Bryant, but the Cardinals Secondary is shaping up pretty good this year. So yeah, if it were my job to make football picks I’d pick the Cardinals too.
But I’m going with the Cowboys. Arizona’s offense fell completely apart last week against the Eagles (excepting two amazing plays). And at some point the magic pixie dust Arians has been using this season will run out. It runs out this week,
COWBOYS
—–
Eagles at Texans
D.T.: Eagles Quarterback Nick Foles had a rough time in Arizona. He threw for 411 yards and connected with Jeremy Maclin for two touchdowns, but only completed 36 of his 62 attempts, and Philly maintained their reputation for having trouble in the red zone.
And dramatics.
However, despite the presence of J.J. Watt, the Texans’ defense isn’t as scrappy or tenacious as Arizona’s. The Eagles will have an easier time moving the chains and converting in the red zone, as long as their offensive line can hold Watt long enough for Foles to take action. It feels like the Eagles have slowed down their offense to compensate for Foles’ comfort level, and Foles needs to rediscover the confidence he had in 2013. Their strongest asset (that hurry up offense) needs to get back up to speed, and this is as good a game as any to test those limits. Either way, I see the Eagles winning by a decent margin.
EAGLES
BMK: I like the Eagles in this one too. Last week, the laundry was all over the field and that affected the Eagles play. That won’t happen this week. At least, I don’t think it can. Or maybe it will. Maybe Chip Kelly’s Eagles will become the new Raiders.
EAGLES
—–
JETS at CHIEFS
D.T.: “I’m getting sick and tired of losing,” said Rex Ryan after their absolute spanking at the hands of the Bills. Well Rex, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared by the Jets’ GM and ownership, and you’re most definitely out of a job. Starting Quarterback Geno Smith may have lost his first, as he was yanked after throwing three interceptions in three possessions, in the first quarter. Veteran QB Michael Vick didn’t fare much better, throwing for only 153 yards in the next three quarters, and finishing as the team’s top rusher at a measly 69 yards. The Jets are in an absolutely free fall, and Chiefs, feeling confident after their trouncing of the Rams, are likely to pick them apart. Jamaal Charles marched into the end zone twice, and their defense held the Rams to a meager 7 points. Switching to Vick isn’t an upgrade for the Jets, it’s surrender. And they may as well come out of the tunnel in Kansas City waving white flags.
CHIEFS
BMK: Rex, you’re getting sick and tired of losing and I’m getting sick and tired about finding things to say about your crappy team.
CHIEFS
—–
JAGUARS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals need a week of rest after a stressful victory against the Ravens, and a painful shut-out loss to the Colts before that. I hope they treat the Jags to dinner and drinks as thanks.
BENGALS
BMK: Did you guys hear they might have found out what happened to Amelia Earhart? Beyond the fact that she died, that is…
Anyway, that’s more interesting than any games the Jaguars play…
BENGALS
—–
CHARGERS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: Rivers had a rough week, last week. The Chargers and Broncos were neck and neck in the AFC West, giving that divisional match-up significant meaning. He had himself a great performance though, and matched Manning touchdown for touchdown. Against any other team, it probably would been a victorious effort. Still, the Bolts ride a two-loss wave into sunny Miami.
Rivers demonstrates how close they were to beating Denver.
Meanwhile, the Dolphins surprised no one by defeating Jacksonville, for their second win in a row. Not much needs to be said about the game in detail: the Dolphins arrived, the Jaguars bent over, and what transpired was a display of one-sided, animal-on-animal action that would leave Jeff Corwin feeling uncomfortable.
…on second thought…
Miami has a decent pass defense, which might be able to match the on-fire chemistry Rivers is sharing with Tight End Antonio Gates. The Chargers might, however, find some success in exploiting the Dolphins obvious, singular weakness against Jacksonville: their run defense. The Jaguars squeezed out over 170 yards against them, and the Chargers are no doubt watching game tape to figure out how to do the same thing, and then some. They can beat them on the ground — if they can beat them in the air too, they’ll take the win.
CHARGERS
BMK: The Chargers were paper champions when they went on their winning streak as most of their victories came from substandard teams. That’s not a problem per se. Good teams beat the teams they should and steal a couple from the ones they shouldn’t. The Chargers should handle the Dolphins easily, but don’t let that 6-3 record fool you. This team aint getting past Denver should it make it to the playoffs as a wild card team.
CHARGERS
—–
REDSKINS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The Redskins are reportedly starting Quarterback Robert Griffin III against the Vikings, destroying any sort of morale the team built after a Colt McCoy-lead victory over the then-6-1 Cowboys. The ‘Skins front office continues to show their ineptitude, cutting the tires any time the team seems to build into a steady momentum.
He really should just save himself the trouble and take snaps from here.
The Vikings have a chance to steal a win, if the Redskins do indeed come onto the field without a developed rhythm and sense of timing. It was a chore for Minnesota, beating Tampa Bay, but I’m giving it to the Vikings this week anyway. Because seriously, who deliberately fucks with a set-up that beats one of the best teams in the league?
VIKINGS
BMK: I was hoping the Redskins would keep who was starting a mystery. Because then I could bust out my “Colt McCoy…more like Colt Decoy, amirite?” joke.
Hey DT, remember when people read this column? Good times…
VIKINGS
—–
RAMS at 49ERS
D.T.: This should be fun. The last time the Rams and 49ers met, it was a Saint Louis-dominant first half, followed by a rally victory for San Francisco. This time around, they’ll be squaring off on Niners turf. San Francisco is likely to be without pass rusher Aldon Smith this week, as the chances of his suspension being reduced seem slim. That gives Quarterback Austin Davis some wiggle room — and he’ll need it, as the Rams’ Running Back-by-committee method of running the ball doesn’t seem to be very effective at this point. On the flip side, the Niners are coming off a needed bye week, with several injured players looking to return. We’re going to see a refreshed SF squad with something to prove after their last go-round with the Rams, and a Rams team fighting for every opportunity to add a mark to their W column. I think it’s going to be the Niners, though and I think we’ll see a sharper and more even game from them this time around.
49ERS
BMK: Before Jake Long went down again, I was thinking the Rams could be great spoilers all season. That won’t happen now. Especially not against the 49ers. One can dream though…
49ers
—–
BRONCOS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: This game… could be a big deal, folks. While it’s looking incredibly likely that both teams will make it to the post-season, I’m firmly in the camp that Manning will retire at the end of this season. If the post-season doesn’t work out for one or both teams, this could be a possible final chapter in the Brady/Manning rivalry and a last opportunity to see the two best Quarterbacks of their generation go head to head. It’s football history in the making. It’s also going to be a Clash to the Tight Ends (hey, that was sort of clever), where we’ll see how Julius Thomas and Rob Gronkowski — both celebrating a monstrous season — measure up against each others’ respective defenses. Gronk and Brady have been electric, and it’s that combination that will play a key factor in how the Patriots offense performs. Double, sometimes triple coverage doesn’t seem to slow Gronkowski down, so it’ll be fun to see what Denver does to try and counter this threat.
The Patriots will have to contend with Peyton Manning, who’s meaner than ever. So mean, in fact, that his frustrations and outbursts have extended past receivers running incorrect routes, to fans being too enthusiastic, and scoreboard operators… scoreboard operating.
“Is this your first sporting event, people?! You’re supposed to be fucking quiet!”
The intensity of these Manning/Brady meetings might drive Peyton to straight up murder someone. Probably Broncos Center Manny Ramirez, who has already buckled under pressure a few times this season, and botched key snaps. So predictions for this game: Broncos will win by a narrow margin, but not before making a few key errors in an otherwise sharp game for both teams.
BRONCOS
BMK: This is the game I’m looking forward to the most this week. I’m not a fan of either team, but, like the incomparable DT points out, this has been a great rivalry. I’m hoping we’ll see some serious football pyrotechnics. I’m also hoping we’ll see Peyton go apeshit on the stadium announcer guy, like Paul Newman does in Slap Shot.
BRONCOS
—–
RAIDERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: God damn, someone put the Raiders out of their fucking misery already. I swear, whoever structured this year’s season had it out for them. I know it’s not Satan, because Satan is clearly a Raiders’ fan. So, who is responsible?
This man. Howard Katz. Literally worse than Satan.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Satan is not a Raiders fan. If he were, they’d win a lot more. Just look at Bill Bellichick and Mike Ditka. Both of those cats worship Satan.
—–
RAVENS at STEELERS
D.T.: So yeah, Cheeseburger tried to punt. But you know what? The guy also threw for 522 yards and six touchdowns in an absolute stunner against Indianapolis. Big Ben was on fire, and against a team that did pretty damned well that day, too (Luck threw for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns). Coming up against a Ravens squad that just lost to a questionable Bengals team, it’s tough to see how this week’s outcome could be different. However, this is a rivalry game, and rematch from Baltimore’s victory over the Steelers at the beginning of the season. Expect both teams to be preoccupied, and to see a closer match than last week’s Steelers/Colts spectacle.
STEELERS
BMK: When I lived in Pittsburgh, my neighbor told me a story about how these Raven fans were pulled out of their car and got the shit beaten out of them. Pittsburgh’s a manly town. It’s so manly the world’s largest Furry convention is held there every year.
I tend to view my time in Pittsburgh the same way Roy Batty views his life in Blade Runner: “I’ve seen things you people couldn’t imagine…”
RAVENS
—–
COLTS at GIANTS
D.T.: The football week wraps up with Monday Night Football, staring Andrew Luck and Eli Manning. I have to say, I don’t think it looks good for New York, and Peyton won’t be the only Manning Brother in need of an attitude adjustment.
Don’t you give me that look, Eli. I will take off my belt.
The Giants are coming off a bye week, but they don’t have much of a run game to speak of after injury, and expectations from RB2 Andre Williams are mixed. Eli’s passing game will probably rely heavily on rookie Odell Beckham, Jr., who promised he’d step up to fill the shoes of Victor Cruz, actually did a fairly admirable job. He could find himself Manning’s favorite weapon, if he keeps up that pace. Still, the Colts defense outweighs the positives of New York’s offense, and there’s little reason to believe the Giants’ defense can hold back the Colts who are averaging 450 combined yards per game.
That’s not to say Eli won’t put up numbers (and as someone taking a chance on ODB as my receiver this week in fantasy, I wouldn’t mind a touchdown pass or two), but the Colts should have an easy to moderate outing to end the week.
COLTS
BMK: The Giants cannot keep up with Luck and the Colts. This guy is going to pass all over the Giants and stomp them worse than Oliver Pratt looks.
COLTS
—–
D.T.: And that does it! Half the season in the can, and we’re ready to take on the second half. Next week, I’ll be trekking out to Seattle, with field-level tickets to the Seahawks and Giants game, so I get to see Eli lose for the fourth time in a row, in person.
Okay, you’re right, Eli. That was just mean.
Next week holds the best team in the league versus the absolute worst, round two for the Falcons and Buccaneers, and divisional rival games aplenty. I can’t wait!
Imagine how this would be turning out if I wasn’t superstitious about picking the Cardinals.
BMK: Enjoy Seattle you magnificent bastard. Maybe when you get back this column we’re doing for CHUD will actually be on CHUD.
This post was written/compiled while listening to the Jesus Lizard.
THUD Week 8
Week 8
D.T.: We’ve reached Week Eight of regulation. Are you feeling the fatigue yet, Krol? The Seahawks sure are. Completely (and rightfully) dissatisfied with being 3-3 for the season, and third in their division after a huge upset loss against the Rams, they’re growing restless. In perhaps the most dramatic story of last week, they’ve jettisoned problematic Wide Receiver Percy Harvin in an attempt to clear out any negative vibes and try to get the ‘Hawks back on track. Receiving the wayward runner is a desperate Rex Ryan, who’s looking for any way to claw the Jets out of their 1-6 hole, and save himself from receiving something else:
An unemployment check.
The week saw other significant happenings, including a massive regression for the Bengals, DeMarco Murray achieving his seventh consecutive game with more than 100 yards rushing, and one of the Manning brothers broke the all-time record for career touchdowns. I forget which one. It’ll come to me, I’m sure.
Anyway, we’re looking at another week of pretty terrible football (seriously, who planned out the schedule this year?). Let’s get try to make this a bright spot in a questionable point in the season.
BMK: Goddamn, am I feeling the fatigue. And it’s not this week’s schedule, mate, it’s the teams playing it.
The problem here is there are no clearly elite teams. Every team has some kind of major weakness that can be exploited. And while that can be fun seeing if an average or below-average team can slay a giant (a la last week’s Rams-Seahawks game), it makes for some really mediocre football in most cases. And to paraphrase Learned Hand, mediocre football teams make for mediocre football columns.
Seriously, which teams have a legitimate shot of making a 13-3 record? The Broncos? Maybe. But that’s about it. We’re looking at a season like 2002. That season was great for parity, but not good for anything else.
Finally, I’d like to paraphrase something Jerry Jones said: “Enough of this horseshit! Let’s do some blow and make some football picks!!!!”*
—–
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
The Bolo vs The Pizza Shill
D.T.: Holy shit, a Thursday Night Football game that won’t leave me preferring an hour of XBox and going to bed early? Sorry, dear readers (Hi dad), you’re getting the Broncos for game of the week, twice in a row. It’s not only the most interesting game this week, it’s also one of the most critical in shaping the rest of the season. Both the Broncos and Chargers are sitting on five wins, and if both teams continue on at this pace, it’s these divisional games that will decide their post-season fates.
Both Quarterbacks are pumping out touchdowns like they’re going out of style, both suffer from hindered running games, and both are sporting solid defenses. Denver and San Diego are going to be lobbing passes like they’re locked in a naval battle, and it’ll come down to who can disrupt the other team’s Quarterback. The Chargers have an excellent pass defense, holding opposing offenses to an average of about 210 passing yards per game (Manning is averaging 308 per game), but Peyton’s receiver corps is a bear to try and cover. On the flip side, Felipe Rios is tossing for about 280 yards per game, and the Denver secondary is really tearing it up. I think San Diego will find the end zone more than once, but Denver playing at home two weeks in a row, appearing to let nothing stand in their way this far, will take the win.
BRONCOS
BMK: I like the Broncos in this one too. And I’d also like to extend a greeting to DT’s Dad. I’d also like to respectfully disagree about San Diego’s defense. San Diego has good stats, but consider who they’ve played.
Right now San Diego has five wins. Which is pretty good. However, four of those victories came from beating the Raiders, Bills, Jaguars, and the Jets. Not exactly powerhouse teams. Yes, they beat Seattle. But they’ve been dining out on that victory for weeks now. At some point, the Chargers need to move on and beat a worthy opponent and stop living in the past like Uncle Rico, or your older brother who’s been bragging about banging a stripper for the last two decades.
So, end result, I like Denver, and I don’t think it’ll be as competitive as some people (cough, DT, cough) believe.
—–
LIONS at FALCONS
D.T.: The Falcons have the dubious honor of “hosting” the Lions in London this week, which means all the British folks who pretended to like the Raiders in September, because they didn’t know any better, will now have the ability to pretend to like an actual NFL team. Like many Raiders fans here in America!
The Black Hole of Despair
The Lions are still without Megatron, but have regained Reggie Bush to maybe bolster their abysmal run game. So, it’s left to Quarterback Matthew Stafford to lead the offense, and hope the solid Detroit defense can hold up against Matt Ryan as he fights for his life behind a terrible offensive line. A win would really benefit Atlanta right now, but even with Matt Ryan’s passing offense being in the league’s current top five, I don’t expect them to pull it out.
LIONS
BMK: Ugh, the Falcons are terrible. Suh is going to clog up the middle like my arteries after a visit to Philly. This is going to be a bad, bad game. Or, as our cousins across the pond might say, a right cock-up. It’ll totally be pants, mate. Matty Ice will come to grief.
LIONS
—–
VIKINGS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: You wake up early for the Lions and Falcons game, then wonder how much of the Bears/Patriots game you’ll really be missing if you decide to go back to bed. Sunday football peaks with Thursday night, and this match-up between the Vikes and Bucs (two teams with fantastic branding and stunning cheerleaders, wasted on awful products) marks the first in many terrible games coming our way. You know what, let’s get back to the cheerleaders. We haven’t done cheerleaders in a while, Krol. Let’s just do cheerleaders.
BUCCANEERS, I guess.
BMK: I predict the Buccaneers will suck less than the Vikings this week.
BUCCANEERS
—–
BILLS at JETS
D.T.: I’ve been inclined to take the Bills up to this point, but with nothing but third string running backs available after last week, and Kyle Orton directing the passing game to compensate, they’re in for a bumpy ride the next few weeks. This is a real chance for the Jets to actually win a game.
JETS
BMK: The Jets are a complete mess but the Bills are worse, especially without their first two running backs. So, since someone has to win this game…
JETS
—–
BEARS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: A somewhat decent defense against an offense that’s really coming together. The Bears still have yet to win at home, and last week they were bested by Ryan Tannehill and the Dolphins, which sent the locker room into a fit of rage. They’re looking to rebound against New England, who themselves were thrown off-kilter by the Jets in a strange divisional match last week. Like I said before, for whatever reason, the Bears tend to struggle whenever Jay Cutler throws an interception, and the Patriots passing defense is currently the tops in the league.
No one will get this joke. And I’m okay with that.
The Bears are angry, and it’s going to be easy for the Patriots to get inside their heads. Gronkowski is especially likely to draw some unsportmanlike penalties out of the Bears, to the Pats’ benefit. I expect some physicality in this game, and I expect Cutler to try and get creative to evade any turnovers, but I think the Pats will win out in the end.
PATRIOTS
BMK: DT’s right, these bears are angry, and they’re on the road this week. Which is where the Chicago bears play their best ball. I’m going with Chicago in an upset this week. And you should too. In fact, you can take this prediction to the bank.
—–
SEAHAWKS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Hoo-boy, do the Seahawks need to turn things around quickly. Football is an emotional game, but if a few injuries and one bad egg are enough to turn your team inside out, there’s some serious work to be done. They’ve dropped from the best defense in the 2013-14 season down to the bottom five. It could be because of the aforementioned problems, or because Seattle’s defense has become an open book: Richard Sherman doesn’t move from his side of the field; it’s dangerous to throw in his direction, so quarterbacks simply don’t. The problem is, offenses are still marching through the other two thirds of the field Sherman doesn’t occupy.
You just stay over there, and watch us score touchdowns, kay?
Seattle can still score points though, and that keeps them dangerous. Russell Wilson’s receiver corps will hopefully no longer have a little devil on their shoulders, and Beast Mode is Beast Mode. The Panthers defense will find it difficult to contain, as they vie for points of their own. Cam Newton won’t necessarily find himself under such odds as he did against Green Bay, and if his offensive line can hold, and they line up Kelvin Benjamin on the opposite side of the field from Richard Sherman, the two of them could crank out touchdowns like the Rams did. I think I’m going to go against the grain and actually pick the Panthers for that reason.
PANTHERS
BMK: I have no idea where you get your stats DT, but the Seahawks are in the top ten defensively. Sure, they’re having their issues, but their defense is still very good.
The Rams shocked everyone last week by beating Seattle, but they needed a trick play and a very gutsy call on a 4th and 3 to do it. I don’t see the Panthers doing that this week, but I also don’t think Seattle should be in a blind panic either.
Unless they lose this week. In which case they’re done, dude.
—–
DOLPHINS at JAGUARS
D.T.: If the NFL is smart, they’ll change the locks on the doors before the Jags cross back over the Atlantic.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Although Ultron first appears in Avengers #54 (1968), the character is disguised for the majority of the issue as the Crimson Cowl, with his face only revealed on the last page of the issue and no name given to the character. The character leads the Masters of Evil against the Avengers, having hypnotized Edwin Jarvis into working for him. In the following issue, #55 (Aug. 1968), the character is identified as Ultron-5, the living automaton, although his origin is still unknown.[3] In Avengers 57 – 58 (Oct-Nov. 1968) in a flashback sequence it is revealed that Ultron is the creator of the “synthezoid” Vision whom it tries to use as a weapon to destroy the Avengers. The Vision—similar to Wonder Man, whose brain patterns he was given—however, destroys Ultron with the aid of the Avengers.
Further flashbacks reveal that Ultron is the creation of Hank Pym, and based on Pym’s brain patterns. The robot gradually developed its own intelligence and rebelled, and almost immediately develops an Oedipus Complex, whereby it feels irrational hatred for his “father” Hank, and demonstrates an interest in Hank’s lover Janet van Dyne, the Wasp. Rebuilding itself, learning how to turn itself on, and upgrading five times, Ultron then hypnotizes Pym and brainwashes him into forgetting that the robot had ever existed.
DOLPHINS
—–
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals are in a real nosedive, and the Ravens will be looking to capitalize. Flacco is on fire, and the Bengals defense has plummeted to the bottom of the ladder. I don’t think Dalton has it in him right now to control the game and squeak out a win.
Yeah, Joe. Probably many times, at that.
RAVENS
BMK: The Ginger of Doom is gonna go nuts on the Ravens. I predict a major victory for the Bengals….
Oh crap, they’re still without AJ Green? Well…
RAVENS
—–
TEXANS at TITANS
D.T.: The Texans’ defense has been deceptively terrible this season. J.J. Watt may be creating a highlight reet for his Hall of Fame induction, but he really is the only ingredient in the mixture with real potency. Everyone’s completely forgotten about Jadaveon Clowney — be honest — you did too, until you just read that — and believe it or not, they’re actually a really low-ranking defense, week to week. They’re also struggling to score points on the other side of the ball, where teamstraditionally score points. The Titans, however, are on just about the same boat. They’re failing to produce in a meaningful way on either side of the ball, and they’re also lacking in the sheer luck the Texans have enjoyed in several of their match-ups this season. In this case, I think luck actually will play a role here…
Hold on there, pal. Your game’s a little further down.
…and based on that gut feeling, I’m giving it to the Texans.
TEXANS
BMK: Whisenhunt just benched Locker. I guess he has a thing against inaccurate quarterbacks whose last names start with the letter L.
Relatedly, when asked who the Titans should draft to fix their problems, Matt Leinart replied: Another coach. Good stuff.
TEXANS
—–
RAMS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Both of these teams had staggering upsets against presumed-superior divisional rivals. And in divisional games, wacky things happen. Just ask the Pats about the Jets, or the Steelers about the Browns. The Chiefs gave the Chargers their second real challenge of the season, and… well, everyone is pretty shocked over the Rams beating Seattle, still. Anyway, the two Missourah teams (why the hell does Missouri have two NFL teams?) are competing for supremacy in a state most Americans probably couldn’t point out on a map. The Rams bring with them a proven back-up Quarterback and two potential stud Running Backs. The Chiefs bring Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles, who continues to climb back into our hearts. But again, I’m going with the gut feeling here, and choosing the stout Rams to take it.
RAMS
BMK: The BATTLE OF THE FLY OVER STATES! WHO WILL WIN??!? WHO WILL LOSE! WHICH TEAMS FANS WILL DROWN THEMSELVES IN BOOZE!
CHIEFS
PS: The Chiefs play on the Kansas side of Kansas City, borham. YOU’RE WELCOME!
—–
EAGLES at CARDINALS
D.T.: Two 5-1 Bird Teams meeting for the first time this year. Let’s cut straight to the most obvious question: will the Cardinals’ injured but hearty defense be able to hold up against the Eagles’ hurry-up offense? Former Wildcat Nick Foles returns to Arizona to try and claim a 6-1 record, but has to go through a Cardinals passing and running defense that has left the league scratching their heads. And the Eagles’ more than iffy defense has to contend with an offense that was the last to give up an interception, and has shown a good amount of effectiveness both on the ground and in the air. I’m going to give it to the Cardinals, but not as a homer pick. I really think the Arizona offense can hold the field and eat the clock enough to keep the Eagles from getting too many chances. And when they do take the field, I think Foles and Company will be put to the test for the first time in a while.
And these two better step it up, dammit.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game is certainly for the birds!
Anyway, Chip Kelley has had two weeks to prepare for the Cardinals, and the Cardinals defense is pretty banged up. At some point, that will be an issue. And I’m thinking it’s this week.
EAGLES
—–
COLTS at STEELERS
D.T.: Okay, Neckbeard. You’re up.
Across the board, the Colts are favored to win. And rightfully so, after shredding the Bengals last week and offering them their first shut-out. The Colts are undeniably at the top of the food chain. They’re operating at a high capacity, while the Steelers remain decent, but inconsistent. The Colts have finally loosened Pep Hamilton’s leash on Luck and — just like I said — the results have been pretty incredible. I see the Colts marching through Pittsburgh with time to shop for souvenirs before getting back on the plane.
Souvenirs like this, I guess? Whatever the fuck this is.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts have been very impressive lately and the Steelers not so. When I lived in Pittsburgh five years ago, their defense was getting old. Now it’s five years later and they’re playing the same guys. There’s no way the Steelers D is going to keep pace with a player like Hilton or a QB like luck. The Colts are going to roll through this one and leave all the Yinzers crying in their Yuengling.
Be tee dub, to anyone reading this in Pittsburgh: Primati’s sucks.
This isn’t made in Pittsburgh anymore, just like a stout defense. Hiyo.
—–
RAIDERS at BROWNS
D.T.:
BROWNS
BMK: I know it’s really popular to dismiss the Raiders (unless you live in the East Bay, like me), but I think they might put up a bit of a fight this week. Carr has shown some signs of competent QB play, so they got that going for them. They’re still years away from anything, but Carr might be the QB to lead them to average status.
I’d be tempted to pick them in an upset here, but I’ve already done that this week. So I’m going with the same pick.
BROWNS
—–
PACKERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Uh… Packers, I guess. I don’t see the Saints rebounding against the team that just punished the leaders of their division (The Panthers, for those of you not paying attention. Yes, the Panthers are still the best team in the NFC South, despite their mixed efforts), and I don’t see the Packers’ once-believed-to-be-screwed-due-to-injury secondary giving it up to New Orleans, even if it’s Drew Brees lobbing passes. Aaron Rodgers will control this game, like he has been the others.
PACKERS
BMK: The Saints came marching in to Sucktown. They liked it so much, they stayed.
PACKERS
This was the more appetizing images Google returned when I searched for sucktown…
—–
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: We made it, Krol! The last match-up in this godforsaken wasteland of a week. And it’s between the Redskins and Cowboys. The ‘Skins are a fucking mess, having willfully dropped down to their third string Quarterback, Colt McCoy, who proceeded to immediately throw a for almost 130 yards touchdown pass, and help the team edge out a narrow win against the Titans. Quarterback controversies are endlessly frustrating for everyone involved, and I expect the insecure Redskins to falter in their trip to see Romo, who’s really found his footing for the first time in a while. Sorry Skins’ fans — maybe you can wash that bad taste out of your mouth with some expired beer.
COWBOYS
—
Oh shit, it was Cooper Manning, right? The Manning that landed the touchdown record?
“Eat a shit sandwich, D.T. — like this. This is you eating a shit sandwich.”
BMK: Ugh, you’re right man. This week was a complete wasteland. But if you believe in the Power of Romo, you too will see the face of God.
Romo equals love…
COWBOYS
Speaking of shit sandwiches…
*Jerry Jones didn’t actually say this…or did he?*
*He didn’t.
NOTE: There is no recap graphic because DT’s a big poop head and forgot to send it to me. Plus he’s winning, so F him.
This post was compiled and written while watching the Avengers and my prime disappear in the rear view mirror of my life.
Ruminations, etc.. 