Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

Posts Tagged ‘Richard Sherman

4th Krol: Week Fifteen Picks!

leave a comment »

Week 15:  I've done this column so many times, I'm no longer green.

Week 15: I’ve done this column so many times, I’m no longer green.

D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.

"Actually, I'm the last surviving alum for the past 20 years."

“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”

Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!

BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!”  Now we’re getting something else.

One of the best episodes ever...and now I want ribs.

One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.

From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.

And Ms. Dennings, of course…

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever...

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…

———-

BUCCANEERS at RAMS

D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.

BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game.  Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters...

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…

RAMS

———-

JETS at COWBOYS

D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.

 

Can't wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

 

JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here...

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…

———-

PANTHERS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.

"First time ever being called 'monstrous' - alright!"

“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”

 
Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.

PANTHERS

BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week.  Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it.  I’m picking the Giants this week.

SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!

Eli aint even buying this pick...

Eli aint even buying this pick…

GIANTS

———-

TITANS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fuck off.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.

PATRIOTS

"I've killed THIS many Asian hookers today..."

“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”

———-

BILLS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.

 

"Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff."

“Our market research actually proves that fans LIKE terrible QB controversies, expired beer and a revolving door for our coaching staff.”

 

BILLS

BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.

I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!

BILLS

———-

CHIEFS at RAVENS

The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.

CHIEFS

BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.

This meme makes me laugh.

CHIEFS

———-

TEXANS at COLTS

D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.

 

"Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!"

“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”

 

TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse.  How, I don’t know.

TEXANS
———-

FALCONS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.

JAGUARS

BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field.  Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.

Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.

This came up when I Googled "Home Depot Sucks." I like it. It adds a bit of class.

This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.

JAGUARS

———-

BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.

VIKINGS

BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously?  Bears AND Vikings playing with each other?  That makes my black heart grow three sizes.

The Vikings will win.  Mostly because they’ll have swords.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

VIKINGS

———-

PACKERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.

 

Here's Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.

PACKERS

BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.

Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.

RAIDERS

———-

BROWNS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BENGALS at NINERS

D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.

 

He'd cry, if he had a soul... but, y'know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.

NINERS

BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.

NINERS

———-

DOLPHINS at CHARGERS

Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.

Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.

BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh?  Fine.

CHICAGO BULLS

“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”

———-

BRONCOS at STEELERS

D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.

 

"I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?"

“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”

Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.

Ugh… STEELERS

BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses.  I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.

I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?

STEELERs

———-

CARDINALS at EAGLES

D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.

 

And likely the Gatorade, too.

And likely the Gatorade, too.

Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.

CARDINALS

BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week.  Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.

CARDINALS

———-

LIONS at SAINTS

D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.

SAINTS

BMK: Forget it.

SAINTS

———-

D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.

Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).

 

BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat

 

Advertisements

4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!

leave a comment »

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

"Wait... I thought we were supposed to throw the women."

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I'm thankful for you.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia.  This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Eagles dog, I'm thankful for you!

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I'm thankful for you.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude's adorable...

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here's this...

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don't have cheerleaders, so here's Kloi again. I'm very thankful for her.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay?  Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats.  I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I'm thankful for you. And you.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.

TEXANS

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day.  Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I'm thankful for you!

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously...this dude looks like Dexter.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I'm thankful for you!

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I'm fierce! Like Bridgewater!

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don't have cheerleaders either, so here's Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos.  But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares?  Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

This guy, however, does NOT care.


———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I'm thankful for YOU!

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally,  Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I'm VERY thankful for you!

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep...Blaine Gabbert.

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls...

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I'm... I just... damn, girl.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack.  Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset.  Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie's people need to get with it...

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along...

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader.  I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful.

BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup.  Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit?  This is just embarrassing, NFL.

You'd think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.

"Really, Krol?"

“Really, Krol?”

—————–

 

D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).

 

BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.

See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.

Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Smart AND sexy

Smart AND sexy

This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.

 

4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!

leave a comment »

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…

Good day

And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!

BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in.  Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.

On to the picks!

———-

BROWNS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.

BENGALS

BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above.  But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.

"You're just mad cause I got Kat Dennings's phone number..."

“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”

BENGALS

———-

PACKERS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.

"About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry."

About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.

I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.

PACKERS

BMK: That Monday night game was interesting.  It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!

Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.

"Yeah? Least I got a job Krol...wait, hold on, Irsay's on the phone..."

“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”

Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.

PACKERS

———-

REDSKINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Spoilers.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.

You guys remember V?  That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it.  What if the Nazis were aliens.”

And on that day, V was born.

Oh, yeah. The pick…

PATRIOTS

———-

TITANS at SAINTS

D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.

SAINTS

BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt's aged pretty well. Mostly.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.

"Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night."

“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at BILLS

D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.

"Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it's only practice."

“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”

I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.

DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills.  Just to spite DT.

BILLS
———-

RAMS at VIKINGS

D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…

"Come on, man. Like you've never brutally beaten a child before."

“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”

…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.

RAMS

BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.

Anyway…

The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.

The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.

RAMS

———-

JAGUARS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.

JETS

BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.

Ed...take a break, broham.

Ed…take a break, broham.

JETS

———-

RAIDERS at STEELERS

D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.

"...yeah, probably."

“…yeah, probably.”

Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.

RAIDERS

BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game.  Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.

And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…

STEELERS

———-

GIANTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.

"Yeah, well, you're a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!"

“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”

The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.

BUCS

BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.

Isn't he dreamy?

Awww…

GIANTS

———-

FALCONS at NINERS

D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.

"Oh, hey... uh... sorry about that thing I said about your face."

“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”

FALCONS

BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.

I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.

FALCONS

———-

BRONCOS at COLTS

D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.

"Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning... hey, have you been working out?"

“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”

This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.

BRONCOS

BMK: Is Peyton Manning done?  Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.

Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve.  Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.

That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.

BRONCOS

———-

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.

EAGLES

BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.

It’ll be Niffleheim.

EAGLES

———-

BEARS at CHARGERS

D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).

"Well, D.T.'s definitely goin' somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks."

“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”

I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.

CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win?  Tune in and find out!

BEARS
———-

D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.

Ain't gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!

 

BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.

And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.

Thanks for reading and listening.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

 

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…

 

This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.

4th and Krol Picks: Week 3

leave a comment »

Week Three!

Week Three!

D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?

"Yeah, bitches!"

“Yeah, bitches!”

So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!

BMK: Week Three is interesting.  We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.

We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?

On to the picks!

———-

REDSKINS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.

 "Let's see... mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face... yep. This part of the article checks out."


“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”

GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle.  The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.

GIANTS
———-

FALCONS at COWBOYS

D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.

"Ah'm still alive, ya somesabishes!"

“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”

FALCONS

BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage.  So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment.  These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.

Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.

That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones.  Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games.  That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.

COWBOYS

———-

COLTS at TITANS

D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.

COLTS

BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West.  Maybe Jacksonville?

Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans.  Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV.  Then I’m all like see ya!

COLTS

———-

RAIDERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.

"It ain't for everyone, though."

“It ain’t for everyone, though.”

I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.

 

"Did someone say snatch?"

“Did someone say snatch?”

I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.

RAIDERS

BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.

Did some one say creepy?

Did someone say creepy?

RAIDERS
———-

BENGALS at RAVENS

D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.

RAVENS

BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.

BENGALS

———-

JAGUARS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.

"Hee hee... he said balls. W-wait a second..."

“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Jesus Christ.  Just look at that guy.  I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.

And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”

PATRIOTS

By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore.  When’s the last time a football column did that?  And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY

Crap...Spoke too soon.

Crap…Spoke too soon.

———-

SAINTS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.

SAINTS

BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career.  Maybe he’s getting it?  I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.

PANTHERS

———-

EAGLES at JETS

D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.

JETS

BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team?  Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot...

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…

If even that well.

JETS

———-

BUCCANNERS at TEXANS

D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.

"Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback."

“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”

I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.

TEXANS

BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.

"Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!"

“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”

No, not that Outback…

Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong!  Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!

So, I don’t get it.  I’m going with the safe Pick.

TEXANS

———-

CHARGERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?

"I thought everyone knew that."

“I thought everyone knew that.”

It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.

CHARGERS

BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder?  Pass…

CHARGERS

———-

STEELERS at RAMS

D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.

STEELERS
BMK:  The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One.  Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness.  I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers.  Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.

I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.

STEELERS
———-

NINERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.

The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous.  Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.

The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era.  I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.

Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…

49ERS

"Krol picked the Niners? Good...everything's going according to plan..."

“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”

———-

BILLS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.

Yeah, I said "less masculine". I stand by it.

Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.

The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.

BILLS

BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!

The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup.  Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.

Kat's mad about that evolution joke.

Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.

DOLPHINS

———-

BEARS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.

SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.

"My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I'm not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!"

“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”

The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.

But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children?  That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!

SEAHAWKS
———-

BRONCOS at LIONS

D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.

"Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy..."

“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”

As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.

BRONCOS

BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.

"It's okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay."

“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”

BRONCOS

———-

CHIEFS at PACKERS

D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.

"No one throws to Sherman's side? Heh... watch this."

“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”

The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.

PACKERS

BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.

———-

BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week?  Tune in and find out.

Or just keep ignoring us.  Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.

When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh?  When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.

Cheers!

 

This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it.  So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.

Resting bitch face never looked so good.

THUD Week 8

leave a comment »

Week 8

Week 8

D.T.: We’ve reached Week Eight of regulation. Are you feeling the fatigue yet, Krol? The Seahawks sure are. Completely (and rightfully) dissatisfied with being 3-3 for the season, and third in their division after a huge upset loss against the Rams, they’re growing restless. In perhaps the most dramatic story of last week, they’ve jettisoned problematic Wide Receiver Percy Harvin in an attempt to clear out any negative vibes and try to get the ‘Hawks back on track. Receiving the wayward runner is a desperate Rex Ryan, who’s looking for any way to claw the Jets out of their 1-6 hole, and save himself from receiving something else:

 

An unemployment check.

An unemployment check.

The week saw other significant happenings, including a massive regression for the Bengals, DeMarco Murray achieving his seventh consecutive game with more than 100 yards rushing, and one of the Manning brothers broke the all-time record for career touchdowns. I forget which one. It’ll come to me, I’m sure.

Anyway, we’re looking at another week of pretty terrible football (seriously, who planned out the schedule this year?). Let’s get try to make this a bright spot in a questionable point in the season.

 

BMK: Goddamn, am I feeling the fatigue.  And it’s not this week’s schedule, mate, it’s the teams playing it.

The problem here is there are no clearly elite teams. Every team has some kind of major weakness that can be exploited. And while that can be fun seeing if an average or below-average team can slay a giant (a la last week’s Rams-Seahawks game), it makes for some really mediocre football in most cases.  And to paraphrase Learned Hand, mediocre football teams make for mediocre football columns.

Seriously, which teams have a legitimate shot of making a 13-3 record? The Broncos?  Maybe.  But that’s about it.  We’re looking at a season like 2002.  That season was great for parity, but not good for anything else.

Finally, I’d like to paraphrase something Jerry Jones said: “Enough of this horseshit! Let’s do some blow and make some football picks!!!!”*

—–

CHARGERS at BRONCOS

The Bolo vs The Pizza Shill

The Bolo vs The Pizza Shill

D.T.: Holy shit, a Thursday Night Football game that won’t leave me preferring an hour of XBox and going to bed early? Sorry, dear readers (Hi dad), you’re getting the Broncos for game of the week, twice in a row. It’s not only the most interesting game this week, it’s also one of the most critical in shaping the rest of the season. Both the Broncos and Chargers are sitting on five wins, and if both teams continue on at this pace, it’s these divisional games that will decide their post-season fates.

Both Quarterbacks are pumping out touchdowns like they’re going out of style, both suffer from hindered running games, and both are sporting solid defenses. Denver and San Diego are going to be lobbing passes like they’re locked in a naval battle, and it’ll come down to who can disrupt the other team’s Quarterback. The Chargers have an excellent pass defense, holding opposing offenses to an average of about 210 passing yards per game (Manning is averaging 308 per game), but Peyton’s receiver corps is a bear to try and cover. On the flip side, Felipe Rios is tossing for about 280 yards per game, and the Denver secondary is really tearing it up. I think San Diego will find the end zone more than once, but Denver playing at home two weeks in a row, appearing to let nothing stand in their way this far, will take the win.

BRONCOS

BMK: I like the Broncos in this one too. And I’d also like to extend a greeting to DT’s Dad.  I’d also like to respectfully disagree about San Diego’s defense.  San Diego has good stats, but consider who they’ve played.

Right now San Diego has five wins.  Which is pretty good.  However, four of those victories came from beating the Raiders, Bills, Jaguars, and the Jets.  Not exactly powerhouse teams.  Yes, they beat Seattle.  But they’ve been dining out on that victory for weeks now.  At some point, the Chargers need to move on and beat a worthy opponent and stop living in the past like Uncle Rico, or your older brother who’s been bragging about banging a stripper for the last two decades.

So, end result, I like Denver, and I don’t think it’ll be as competitive as some people (cough, DT, cough) believe.

—–

LIONS at FALCONS

D.T.: The Falcons have the dubious honor of “hosting” the Lions in London this week, which means all the British folks who pretended to like the Raiders in September, because they didn’t know any better, will now have the ability to pretend to like an actual NFL team. Like many Raiders fans here in America!

The Black Hole of Despair

The Black Hole of Despair

 

 

The Lions are still without Megatron, but have regained Reggie Bush to maybe bolster their abysmal run game. So, it’s left to Quarterback Matthew Stafford to lead the offense, and hope the solid Detroit defense can hold up against Matt Ryan as he fights for his life behind a terrible offensive line. A win would really benefit Atlanta right now,  but even with Matt Ryan’s passing offense being in the league’s current top five, I don’t expect them to pull it out.

LIONS

BMK:  Ugh, the Falcons are terrible.  Suh is going to clog up the middle like my arteries after a visit to Philly.  This is going to be a bad, bad game. Or, as our cousins across the pond might say, a right cock-up.  It’ll totally be pants, mate.  Matty Ice will come to grief.

LIONS

—–

VIKINGS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: You wake up early for the Lions and Falcons game, then wonder how much of the Bears/Patriots game you’ll really be missing if you decide to go back to bed. Sunday football peaks with Thursday night, and this match-up between the Vikes and Bucs (two teams with fantastic branding and stunning cheerleaders, wasted on awful products) marks the first in many terrible games coming our way. You know what, let’s get back to the cheerleaders. We haven’t done cheerleaders in a while, Krol. Let’s just do cheerleaders.

Vike Cheer tex cheer buc cheer 2 Buc Cheer

 

 

 

 

 

BUCCANEERS, I guess.

BMK: I predict the Buccaneers will suck less than the Vikings this week.

BUCCANEERS

—–

BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I’ve been inclined to take the Bills up to this point, but with nothing but third string running backs available after last week, and Kyle Orton directing the passing game to compensate, they’re in for a bumpy ride the next few weeks. This is a real chance for the Jets to actually win a game.

JETS

BMK: The Jets are a complete mess but the Bills are worse, especially without their first two running backs.  So, since someone has to win this game…

JETS

—–

BEARS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: A somewhat decent defense against an offense that’s really coming together. The Bears still have yet to win at home, and last week they were bested by Ryan Tannehill and the Dolphins, which sent the locker room into a fit of rage. They’re looking to rebound against New England, who themselves were thrown off-kilter by the Jets in a strange divisional match last week. Like I said before, for whatever reason, the Bears tend to struggle whenever Jay Cutler throws an interception, and the Patriots passing defense is currently the tops in the league.

 

 

No one will get this joke. And I'm okay with that.

No one will get this joke. And I’m okay with that.

The Bears are angry, and it’s going to be easy for the Patriots to get inside their heads. Gronkowski is especially likely to draw some unsportmanlike penalties out of the Bears, to the Pats’ benefit. I expect some physicality in this game, and I expect Cutler to try and get creative to evade any turnovers, but I think the Pats will win out in the end.

PATRIOTS

BMK: DT’s right, these bears are angry, and they’re on the road this week.  Which is where the Chicago bears play their best ball.  I’m going with Chicago in an upset this week.  And you should too.  In fact, you can take this prediction to the bank.

—–

SEAHAWKS at PANTHERS

D.T.: Hoo-boy, do the Seahawks need to turn things around quickly. Football is an emotional game, but if a few injuries and one bad egg are enough to turn your team inside out, there’s some serious work to be done. They’ve dropped from the best defense in the 2013-14 season down to the bottom five. It could be because of the aforementioned problems, or because Seattle’s defense has become an open book: Richard Sherman doesn’t move from his side of the field; it’s dangerous to throw in his direction, so quarterbacks simply don’t. The problem is, offenses are still marching through the other two thirds of the field Sherman doesn’t occupy.

 

 

You just stay over there, and watch us score touchdowns, kay?

You just stay over there, and watch us score touchdowns, kay?

Seattle can still score points though, and that keeps them dangerous. Russell Wilson’s receiver corps will hopefully no longer have a little devil on their shoulders, and Beast Mode is Beast Mode. The Panthers defense will find it difficult to contain, as they vie for points of their own. Cam Newton won’t necessarily find himself under such odds as he did against Green Bay, and if his offensive line can hold, and they line up Kelvin Benjamin on the opposite side of the field from Richard Sherman, the two of them could crank out touchdowns like the Rams did. I think I’m going to go against the grain and actually pick the Panthers for that reason.

PANTHERS

BMK:  I have no idea where you get your stats DT, but the Seahawks are in the top ten defensively.  Sure, they’re having their issues, but their defense is still very good.

The Rams shocked everyone last week by beating Seattle, but they needed a trick play and a very gutsy call on a 4th and 3 to do it. I don’t see the Panthers doing that this week, but I also don’t think Seattle should be in a blind panic either.

Unless they lose this week. In which case they’re done, dude.

—–

DOLPHINS at JAGUARS

D.T.: If the NFL is smart, they’ll change the locks on the doors before the Jags cross back over the Atlantic.

DOLPHINS

BMK: Although Ultron first appears in Avengers #54 (1968), the character is disguised for the majority of the issue as the Crimson Cowl, with his face only revealed on the last page of the issue and no name given to the character. The character leads the Masters of Evil against the Avengers, having hypnotized Edwin Jarvis into working for him. In the following issue, #55 (Aug. 1968), the character is identified as Ultron-5, the living automaton, although his origin is still unknown.[3] In Avengers 57 – 58 (Oct-Nov. 1968) in a flashback sequence it is revealed that Ultron is the creator of the “synthezoid” Vision whom it tries to use as a weapon to destroy the Avengers. The Vision—similar to Wonder Man, whose brain patterns he was given—however, destroys Ultron with the aid of the Avengers.

Further flashbacks reveal that Ultron is the creation of Hank Pym, and based on Pym’s brain patterns. The robot gradually developed its own intelligence and rebelled, and almost immediately develops an Oedipus Complex, whereby it feels irrational hatred for his “father” Hank, and demonstrates an interest in Hank’s lover Janet van Dyne, the Wasp. Rebuilding itself, learning how to turn itself on, and upgrading five times, Ultron then hypnotizes Pym and brainwashes him into forgetting that the robot had ever existed.

DOLPHINS

—–

RAVENS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals are in a real nosedive, and the Ravens will be looking to capitalize. Flacco is on fire, and the Bengals defense has plummeted to the bottom of the ladder. I don’t think Dalton has it in him right now to control the game and squeak out a win.

 

 

Yeah, Joe. Probably many times, at that.

Yeah, Joe. Probably many times, at that.

RAVENS
BMK: The Ginger of Doom is gonna go nuts on the Ravens.  I predict a major victory for the Bengals….

Oh crap, they’re still without AJ Green?  Well…

RAVENS
—–

TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: The Texans’ defense has been deceptively terrible this season. J.J. Watt may be creating a highlight reet for his Hall of Fame induction, but he really is the only ingredient in the mixture with real potency. Everyone’s completely forgotten about Jadaveon Clowney — be honest — you did too, until you just read that — and believe it or not, they’re actually a really low-ranking defense, week to week. They’re also struggling to score points on the other side of the ball, where teamstraditionally score points. The Titans, however, are on just about the same boat. They’re failing to produce in a meaningful way on either side of the ball, and they’re also lacking in the sheer luck the Texans have enjoyed in several of their match-ups this season. In this case, I think luck actually will play a role here…

 

 

Hold on there, pal. Your game's a little further down.

Hold on there, pal. Your game’s a little further down.

…and based on that gut feeling, I’m giving it to the Texans.

TEXANS
BMK: Whisenhunt just benched Locker. I guess he has a thing against inaccurate quarterbacks whose last names start with the letter L.

Relatedly, when asked who the Titans should draft to fix their problems, Matt Leinart replied: Another coach.  Good stuff.

TEXANS
—–

RAMS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Both of these teams had staggering upsets against presumed-superior divisional rivals. And in divisional games, wacky things happen. Just ask the Pats about the Jets, or the Steelers about the Browns. The Chiefs gave the Chargers their second real challenge of the season, and… well, everyone is pretty shocked over the Rams beating Seattle, still. Anyway, the two Missourah teams (why the hell does Missouri have two NFL teams?) are competing for supremacy in a state most Americans probably couldn’t point out on a map. The Rams bring with them a proven back-up Quarterback and two potential stud Running Backs. The Chiefs bring Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles, who continues to climb back into our hearts. But again, I’m going with the gut feeling here, and choosing the stout Rams to take it.

RAMS
BMK:  The BATTLE OF THE FLY OVER STATES!  WHO WILL WIN??!? WHO WILL LOSE! WHICH TEAMS FANS WILL DROWN THEMSELVES IN BOOZE!

CHIEFS

PS: The Chiefs play on the Kansas side of Kansas City, borham. YOU’RE WELCOME!
—–

EAGLES at CARDINALS

D.T.: Two 5-1 Bird Teams meeting for the first time this year. Let’s cut straight to the most obvious question: will the Cardinals’ injured but hearty defense be able to hold up against the Eagles’ hurry-up offense? Former Wildcat Nick Foles returns to Arizona to try and claim a 6-1 record, but has to go through a Cardinals passing and running defense that has left the league scratching their heads. And the Eagles’ more than iffy defense has to contend with an offense that was the last to give up an interception, and has shown a good amount of effectiveness both on the ground and in the air. I’m going to give it to the Cardinals, but not as a homer pick. I really think the Arizona offense can hold the field and eat the clock enough to keep the Eagles from getting too many chances. And when they do take the field, I think Foles and Company will be put to the test for the first time in a while.

 

 

And these two better step it up, dammit.

And these two better step it up, dammit.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game is certainly for the birds!

Anyway, Chip Kelley has had two weeks to prepare for the Cardinals, and the Cardinals defense is pretty banged up. At some point, that will be an issue. And I’m thinking it’s this week.

EAGLES

—–

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: Okay, Neckbeard. You’re up.

Across the board, the Colts are favored to win. And rightfully so, after shredding the Bengals last week and offering them their first shut-out. The Colts are undeniably at the top of the food chain. They’re operating at a high capacity, while the Steelers remain decent, but inconsistent. The Colts have finally loosened Pep Hamilton’s leash on Luck and — just like I said — the results have been pretty incredible. I see the Colts marching through Pittsburgh with time to shop for souvenirs before getting back on the plane.

 

 

Souvenirs like this, I guess? Whatever the fuck this is.

Souvenirs like this, I guess? Whatever the fuck this is.

COLTS

BMK: The Colts have been very impressive lately and the Steelers not so.  When I lived in Pittsburgh five years ago, their defense was getting old.  Now it’s five years later and they’re playing the same guys.  There’s no way the Steelers D is going to keep pace with a player like Hilton or a QB like luck. The Colts are going to roll through this one and leave all the Yinzers crying in their Yuengling.

Be tee dub, to anyone reading this in Pittsburgh: Primati’s sucks.

This isn't made in Pittsburgh anymore, just like a stout defense. Hiyo.

This isn’t made in Pittsburgh anymore, just like a stout defense. Hiyo.

—–

RAIDERS at BROWNS

D.T.:

Red

 

 

 

BROWNS

BMK: I know it’s really popular to dismiss the Raiders (unless you live in the East Bay, like me), but I think they might put up a bit of a fight this week. Carr has shown some signs of competent QB play, so they got that going for them. They’re still years away from anything, but Carr might be the QB to lead them to average status.

I’d be tempted to pick them in an upset here,  but I’ve already done that this week. So I’m going with the same pick.

BROWNS

—–

PACKERS at SAINTS

D.T.: Uh… Packers, I guess. I don’t see the Saints rebounding against the team that just punished the leaders of their division (The Panthers, for those of you not paying attention. Yes, the Panthers are still the best team in the NFC South, despite their mixed efforts), and I don’t see the Packers’ once-believed-to-be-screwed-due-to-injury secondary giving it up to New Orleans, even if it’s Drew Brees lobbing passes. Aaron Rodgers will control this game, like he has been the others.

PACKERS

BMK: The Saints came marching in to Sucktown.  They liked it so much, they stayed.

PACKERS

This was the more appetizing images Google returned when I searched for sucktown...

This was the more appetizing images Google returned when I searched for sucktown…

—–

REDSKINS at COWBOYS

D.T.: We made it, Krol! The last match-up in this godforsaken wasteland of a week. And it’s between the Redskins and Cowboys. The ‘Skins are a fucking mess, having willfully dropped down to their third string Quarterback, Colt McCoy, who proceeded to immediately throw a for almost 130 yards touchdown pass, and help the team edge out a narrow win against the Titans. Quarterback controversies are endlessly frustrating for everyone involved, and I expect the insecure Redskins to falter in their trip to see Romo, who’s really found his footing for the first time in a while. Sorry Skins’ fans — maybe you can wash that bad taste out of your mouth with some expired beer.

COWBOYS

Oh shit, it was Cooper Manning, right? The Manning that landed the touchdown record?

 

"Eat a shit sandwich, D.T. -- like this. This is you eating a shit sandwich."

“Eat a shit sandwich, D.T. — like this. This is you eating a shit sandwich.”

 

 

BMK: Ugh, you’re right man. This week was a complete wasteland. But if you believe in the Power of Romo, you too will see the face of God.

 

Romo equals love...

Romo equals love…

COWBOYS

 

Speaking of shit sandwiches...

Speaking of shit sandwiches…

*Jerry Jones didn’t actually say this…or did he?*

 

*He didn’t.

NOTE: There is no recap graphic because DT’s a big poop head and forgot to send it to me.  Plus he’s winning, so F him.

This post was compiled and written while watching the Avengers and my prime disappear in the rear view mirror of my life.

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 23, 2014 at 6:38 pm