Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

Archive for the ‘4th And Krol Football Picks’ Category

4th and Krol: Week 7 Picks!

with one comment

Week Six: It's time for the picks!

Week Seven: I’m not going with the obvious rhyme Heaven!

D.T.: Lots of exciting things happened last week… and most of them not on the field. Monday Night Football saw a huge spike in ratings from the halftime release of the new Star Wars trailer. Ken Whisehunt saw a huge spike in likelihood that he won’t be an NFL coach next season. Fred Jackson saw a huge spike in his insurance premium from crashing his car while drag racing with Marshawn Lynch.

It wasn’t a terribly great week in the NFL, certified in ink by the fact that one of the most interesting games took place between the Lions and Bears. I feel like we’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how weak this season has been, but let’s face it: so far, the NFL has been about as strong as the grip strength in Jason Pierre-Paul’s right hand. But, we’re here to do what we can to make things a little more fun and interesting. Let’s get to it!

BMK: Boy you said it. So far this season has been…I don’t know if weak is the right word for it, but hasn’t been that exciting. I think the NFL’s vaunted parity (which never really existed as advertised) is dragging down the overall play.  Teams seem to either be elite, or they play like drunken baby monkeys at a slapfight level.

Which reminds me…I’d  love to see some drunken monkeys have a slapfight.  Maybe that’s what they’re showing on BRAVO now…

On to the picks!

PS: There is no podcast this week because of technical difficulties. Somehow I killed the audio tracks. I’m an idiot.

What hurts even more is that I know fucking Juggalos manage to get their podcasts off the ground. For some reason, this is beyond my technical ken.

———-

SEAHAWKS at NINERS

D.T.: Who would have thought that these two teams would be battling for the number three spot in the NFC West? When the mighty fall, they fall hard. Seattle’s meteoric rise has ended, and they’re no longer invincible even at home, as they suffered an upsetting defeat at the hands (paws?) of the Panthers on Sunday. The Niners managed to squeeze out a win from the ailing Ravens, which has sent Baltimore’s fanbase into a spiral of depression.

"Thank Jesus I'm Retired!"

“Thank Jesus I’m Retired!”

So, what happens when two former lords meet in dank catacombs of their kingdom? A duel to the death. Whoever loses this game is in deep shit, and both sides are going to be scrambling to avoid that. Come Thursday night, I think Seattle pulls through. They’re still missing something intangible that no one can quite define, but they’re still the better team here.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: As our long time reader knows, I live in the Bay Area and I consume a lot of sports media. As one would expect, there’s a sense of resignation here across the chattering class of local sportscasters. There’s no way the 49ers are winning this game, and everyone knows it, but they have to talk about something so they’re discussing the slight uptick in Kaepernick’s game. Basically, if you’ve had better things to do than watch the 49ers (read: just about any damn thing you could think of), Kaepernick’s numbers have improved over the last two games.  The two games where they went 1-1.

The Seahawks are on the downward slide, but I don’t expect them to lose this week.  The 49ers suck. Bad.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BILLS at JAGUARS

D.T.: I really thought the Jaguars had a shot against the Texans, but as fans in Jacksonville know, if you expect the Jags to disappoint, you’ll never be disappointed.

"I'm not sure if that made sense... but I'm not sure if that didn't not make sense."

“I’m not sure if that made sense… but I’m not sure if that didn’t not make sense.”

The Bills showed some chinks in the Bengals defense, managing to score 21 points on them, but their own defense failed to keep Cincinnati from scoring 34 points of their own, and securing a 6-0 record. The Bills will take a win, and London will continue wondering why American is so infatuated with the NFL.

BILLS
BMK: Last week I famously said I have no faith in Tyrod Taylor.  Rex Ryan then replaced him with EJ Emmanuel. That can only mean one thing: Rex Ryan regularly reads 4th and Krol. Who knew?

BILLS
———-

BUCCANEERS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The Redskins were outmatched in every aspect of the game last Sunday. Their top rusher, Alfred Morris, was contained by the Jets for a humiliating 21 yards, and Kirk Cousins was stifled at 196 yards versus Ryan Fitzpatrick’s 253. Coming up against the Buccaneers, what these two teams really have going for them is defense. They’re both currently top-ten ranked secondaries, so we can expect a low-scoring affair, and I’ll take the Bucs to edge out the Skins by a field goal.

BUCS

BMK: IT’S THE BATTLE OF TRAILER PARK! THE 2-4 REDSKINS VS. THE 2-3 BUCCANNEERS! GET HYPE!

Games like this make me regret becoming interested in football.

BUCS

———-

FALCONS at TITANS

D.T.: So, the Saints finally managed to win one. And it was quiet the upset, knocking their Atlanta rivals out of the undefeated club. The Titans, however, remain in the oft-defeated club after a devastating loss to the Dolphins last week. I don’t think running Oklahoma drills suddenly make the Fins a better team, though — I think they simply had a nice outing against a Tennessee team coached by a fraud.

This man is 4-29 in his last 33 games as a head coach. This isn't meant to be funny.

This man is 4-29 in his last 33 games as a head coach. This isn’t meant to be funny.

While the Titans are floundering under an abysmal head coach and killer of rookie QB careers, the Falcons have gotten their groove back with former Seattle defensive coordinator Dan Quinn running their show. This game will be ridiculously one-sided, and ESPN could probably fill a whole Sports Center episode with Falcon highlights from it, alone.

FALCONS

BMK: One of the interesting storylines for this season is the number of undefeated teams, and what’s really surprising is that two of them come from the NFC South, which I had written off as a terribly weak division. To be fair, the bottom of that division is really bad, but the Falcons are starting to look “legit”, as the kids say.

Anyway, I don’t expect much of a game here.  It’ll be the Falcons by a mile. And no matter what happens, Matt Ryan will still be as personally compelling as a pair of white tube socks.

This is what you get when you Google Tube Socks.

This is what you get when you Google Tube Socks.

FALCONS
———-

SAINTS at COLTS

D.T.: So, the Colts didn’t do as badly against the Patriots as I thought. They still lost by seven, but Andrew Luck matched Tom Brady for 312 yards passing and 3 touchdowns. The kid proves that, when he’s healthy, he’s the best thing Indy’s got going. And once they get rid of Chuck Pagano and Pep Hamilton…

The super-geniuses behind whatever the FUCK this was supposed to be.

The super-geniuses behind whatever the FUCK this was supposed to be.

…things will get better. I think this season is Pagano’s swan song. If there’s any sort of reason and logic left in Irsay’s alcohol and coke-addled mind, he’ll make the right move and allow general manager Grigson to clean house. As for their match-up against the Saints, I don’t see the Saints staging a comeback after their win against the Falcons. Divisional games are always impossible to predict and often wildly inconsistent in their outcomes, and opportunities for struggling teams to take a win. The Colts will take the win on Sunday, though.

COLTS

BMK: Every time I watch a Colts game, I’m reminded of a scene in the Simpsons where Lisa is lecturing Springfield on TV about something, and one of the engineers in the booth turns to the producer and asks if he should cut her off. The producer says, “Not yet. I’m trying to get fired.” I think that’s where Pagano is at.  That’s the only explanation.

Good Lord...can you imagine having a 'You f'd up' meeting with this cat?

Good Lord…can you imagine having a ‘You f’d up’ meeting with this cat?

SAINTS

———-

VIKINGS at LIONS

D.T.: Remember what I said about divisional games being weird, and making certain teams look better than they are? Well, somehow Matt Stafford remember how to throw and found himself with the game of his season at 405 yards passing and a shocking 4 touchdowns. However, it was against the Bears’ defense, while Detroit’s own secondary allowed the Bears a head-scratching 34 points. When neither team can play defense, both offenses look amazing.

Even against that awful defense, the Vikings bottom-of-the-barrel passing game will struggle. This could turn out to be a very nice day for Adrian Peterson, and if he shows up and plays with patience and focus, he could be the key to a Vikings win, here. There’s always the threat of Stafford and Megatron connecting though, which makes this game a toss-up.

I’m leaning towards giving the Lions the benefit of the doubt in a divisional game at home.

LIONS

BMK: Whenever a good QB is struggling, the refrain you always hear is “Why don’t the coaches let so-and-so BE so-and-so!” On the surface, that’s a seductive idea. If you’re playing in the NFL, you have skills, so it makes sense that the coaches adapt their ideas to your skillsets. Makes sense right? Maximize the potential outcomes. Not all coaches do this, but with some people it doesn’t matter.

Take a guy like Jake Plummer. Had some success in AZ, but when things went south, everyone was saying, “Let Jake be Jake!” (as an aside, this refrain typically metamorphoses into “Give the backup a chance!”), meaning they should run more bootlegs, etc. The Cardinals tried it and it didn’t work.  Mostly because the team they surrounded Plummer with, frankly, stunk.

What does this have to do with the Lions and Vikings?  Well, last week Stafford had success playing more up tempo. It played to his strengths. I’m guessing the Lions will do more of that this week, but I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference, since the rest of the team is so damn bad.  I’m going with them this week since I have 0 faith in the Vikings, and the Lions are at home, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Vikings won.

LIONS

———-

STEELERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: For reasons unknown, the Cardinals simply stopped playing football in the second half of their visit to Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. In what ended up being a strange outcome, Michael Vick left the game with an injury and was showed up by the Steelers’ third string QB. Ironically, if Vick had stayed upright, the Cardinals might have secured a win even with the lethargic and lackadaisical way they finished the second half. If Tomlin is smart, he’ll start Landry at QB against the Chiefs, if Cheeseburger is still unavailable.

"But am I smart? The answer might surprise you!"

“But am I smart? The answer might surprise you!”

The Chiefs are struggling big-time after the loss of Jamaal Charles, and even a Steelers team with an uncertain offense shouldn’t have a terrible time securing a win, after seeing what they accomplished against Arizona’s secondary.

STEELERS

BMK: All hail Landry Jones.

STEELERS

———-

BROWNS at RAMS

D.T.: If someone could explain to me why, after watching the Denver Broncos and the Cleveland Browns struggle back and forth all the way into overtime, Kubiak’s new offense is still a good idea, I’ll buy them lunch.

"I'd love a free Chicken Parm, but... I got nothin'."

“I’d love a free Chicken Parm, but… I got nothin’.”

There’s no discernible reason why the Denver Broncos – even with Manning’s physical limitations and their struggling run game – should have had to fight so hard for wins against teams like Minnesota, Oakland and Cleveland. Each of these wins were due to defensive touchdowns, namely by Aqib Talib. Peyton Manning is now completely out of his element in a role that his career has played a role in defining in modern football. It’s a shame, but the Broncos are 6-0, so they’ll keep plugging away, and barely scraping by on chance…

Anyway, the Brows at Rams. The Rams defense will control this game, and they’ll take the dubya.

RAMS

BMK: I want to take the Browns just to be a contrarian.  Especially since I think Jeff Fisher doesn’t deserve the accolades and respect he seems to get. His regular season record as a head coach in the NFL is barely over 500, and the Rams have not been anything to write home to Mother about in years.

Pictured: Mark Davis's Notes from the last NFL Owner's Meetings in New York.

Pictured: Mark Davis’s Notes from the last NFL Owner’s Meetings in New York.

But, since this weekly picks column is something of a competition (and we need to actually decide on stakes one of these years), I’m going with the Rams since I don’t feel strong enough to take the Browns and risk falling further behind DT.

RAMS

———-

TEXANS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Another terrible game leaving Sunday Ticket subscribers asking themselves questions like “Why?”, “Huh?” and “What the fuck?”

This one’s going to be a shootout. Both Ryan Tannehill and Brian Hoyer are capable of pumping out yards and touchdowns against weak opposition, and that’s what both of these teams are coming up against. It’s a game even diehards can skip without feeling guilty, unless you’re compulsive and a Sunday completionist.

Or being paid a comical amount of money to physically be there.

Or being paid a comical amount of money to physically be there.

I give this one to the Texans, when it come down to brass tacks. JJ Watt is due for a signature game this season, and it could be this one.

TEXANS

BMK:  They need to offer discounted beer to anyone at this game with a full set of teeth.

I don't have enough guts to Google missing teeth, so here's Kat Dennings.

I don’t have enough guts to Google missing teeth, so here’s Kat Dennings.

TEXANS

———-

JETS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: This one’s my GAME OF THE WEEK! Why? Because even when the Jets were terrible, even when Rex Ryan was the head coach, the Jets have always found ways to make the Patriots’ day difficult. Now that they’ve actually found themselves a great head coach, have a dynamite defense and they’re playing all-around great football, they’ve got a real chance to beat the Patriots, even in Foxborough.

"Yeah, why don't you say that to my face, D.T.?"

“Yeah, why don’t you say that to my face, D.T.?”

"The Jets have a real chance to beat you, Tom."

“The Jets have a real chance to beat you, Tom.”

"..."

“…”

Revis Island is playing lights-out, Fitzpatrick is playing decent football, and I’m actually going to pick the Jets for the upset this week!

JETS

BMK: After last week’s Kat-a-palooza, my mother asked me why DT and I never post pictures of ourselves in our column. I think you know why now.

"DT's so much better looking than you, Krol."

“DT’s so much better looking than you, Krol.”

PATRIOTS

———-

RAIDERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: It is utterly staggering how much of San Diego’s successes and failures depend upon Philip Rivers. Love him or hate him, he IS the Chargers. But, one man can’t make an entire team — he threw for an incredible 503 yards and 2 touchdown passes in Lambeau last week, but the San Diego squad as a whole couldn’t pull it together and secure a win. If Rivers was under center in a better team, he’d be terrifying.

"I think I'm pretty scary as it is. RAWR!"

“I think I’m pretty scary as it is. RAWR!”

This week, they play host to divisional… well, not really rivals, but divisional acquaintances, the Oakland Raiders. Let’s face it, this is Rivers’ game to win or lose. If he can pump out passes and points at a higher rate than Derek Carr and Amari Cooper, they can win this. I’m betting on the crazy guy with 12 kids.

"Twelve? Last time I counted, I only counted this many."

“Twelve? Last time I counted, I only counted this many.”

CHARGERS

BMK: I’m taking the Raiders this week. Why? BECAUSE I’M FUCKING CRAZY!

RAIDERS

———-

COWBOYS at GIANTS

D.T.: The ‘Boys are coming off a bye, which would be helpful if all their biggest stars just needed some bed rest and hot tea. And after the way the Giants played last week against the Eagles, I think they believed they were on a bye, too. I drew a chart that I feel illustrates Monday night’s game between the Eagles and Giants.

"The fact that the drop isn't at a 90 degree angle is me being nice."

“The fact that the drop isn’t at a 90 degree angle is me being nice.”

We can expect more of the same, come Sunday afternoon. Nothing about either team currently screams for attention, and I think it’s fair to say that there’s a morbid curiosity to see just how the Giants will manage to defeat themselves this time. Still, what’s left of the Cowboys will be coming in rested, while the Giants are coming off a devastating divisional loss in front of a record-high national audience.

COWBOYS

BMK: This is the game that gets all the advertisers all atwitter. Dallas vs. New York? Somewhere a guy that idolizes Don Draper just got the flopsweats.

Unfortunately, Dallas sort of stinks right now. If they were at full strength, Dallas would win handily. But no Romo and no Dez equals no victory for Dallas. Sorry kids. It’s just not your week.

GIANTS

———-

EAGLES at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Eagles did a thing and won the thing, and the Panthers did it, too. The Panthers did it in a difficult environment, and made a much bigger splash in the league doing it. They’re also still in the undefeated club, and playing pretty decent football, against all predictions, while the Eagles continue on without a sense of identity or leadership. I give it to the Panthers in this one, and I prematurely credit Riverboat Ron’s willingness to gamble being a factor over Chip Kelly really having no idea what he’s doing, but refusing to admit it.

PANTHERS

BMK: The Panthers are playing at a high level right now. I’m not sure where they’re going to lose, but it won’t be to Chip Kelly and Sam “INTERCEPTION MACHINE” Bradford!

PANTHERS

Apparently, Kat doesn't like me goofing on Sam Bradford.

Apparently, Kat doesn’t like me goofing on Sam Bradford.

———-

RAVENS at CARDINALS

D.T.: This week wraps up with a Bird Bowl between the Ravens and the Cardinals in Glendale, Arizona. Both of these teams are their own worst enemy, and whoever can overcome their internal issues will be the one to win. Arizona’s ballhawking defense needs to settle in with less focus on every playing being massive, and more on containing the offense and forcing punts. Their offense needs to figure out a way to score on red zone opportunities. The yardage is there (in spades) but the failure to close the deal and produce points was one of the keys to their downfall in Pittsburgh last week.

That, and ruining a sure thing by taking this guy out of the equation.

That, and ruining a sure thing by taking this guy out of the equation.

The Ravens’ defense, one of the most feared in the league, is struggling in a big way. They’re allowing more points to offenses – even those with problems scoring – than Flacco and his unit can produce. Red zone production from the Cardinals is the absolute key to an Arizona win, and any failure to take care of business probably can’t be credited too much to Baltimore’s defense. If Carson Palmer can take all those passing yards and put them into the endzone, Arizona can take this in a rout.

CARDINALS

BMK: Last week’s game broke my heart.  As DT alluded to, the Cardinals seemed to be trying to get a knockout punch with every play. You just can’t do that with really good teams. And Pittsburgh, despite their issues, is a good team.

The Ravens, however, are not a good team. Flacco is playing like garbage and Steve Smith is a shadow of his former self. I don’t see the Ravens winning this week, but then again, I didn’t see the Steelers winning either. If the Ravens can get some turnovers, the Cardinals are done. Can they? It wouldn’t surprise me.

RAVENS

———-

DT: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, dear reader. This week isn’t great, but next week has some diamonds amid piles of coal. Bengals at Steelers will be a solid match-up, if Cheeseburger is back and in gametime form. The Seahawks and Cowboys should be a delightfully weird game, and Packers at Broncos will be the crown jewel of next week’s schedule. Well, hopefully…

Keep reading and listening, folks! We’ll be back next week!

 

BMK: Next week we’ll be doing a mid-season report on the podcast. Unless my brain craps out again…

Anyway, thanks for supporting us.  Without you, this column wouldn’t exist.

So, if you think about, this whole mishegoss is your fault.

So there!

So there!

See you next week!

This post was written and compiled while listening to mathcore. Probably.

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 24, 2015 at 1:12 pm

4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five

leave a comment »

Week Five: So ALIVE! Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy...

Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…

D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.

Batman

ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.

This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is.  That guy really grinds my gears.

Anyway…on to the picks!

———-

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.

A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.

COLTS

BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.

Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.

TEXANS

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud, but who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead.

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…

Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…

———-

BEARS at CHIEFS

D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.

CHIEFS

BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs.  They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage.  Even with Jay Cutler.

CHIEFS

———-

SEAHAWKS at BENGALS

D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.

Nah, it's cool bro! I've got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It's called morphine!

Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!

Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.

BENGALS

BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh?  Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule.  And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:

  • You’re an idiot
  • I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!

The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh!  Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes.  Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.

I hope it’s this Sunday.

BENGALS

Pictured: The Author

Pictured: The Author

———-

REDSKINS at FALCONS

D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.

FALCONS

BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.

Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.

FALCONS

———-

JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.

BUCCANEERS

BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.

JAGUARS

———-

SAINTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.

SAINTS

BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).

This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year.  But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).

So where am I going with this?  Shut up, that’s where!

SAINTS

———-

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.

"I ain't sayin' the mofucka's dead, but... mofucka's dead."

“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”

The Ravens will win, by the way.

RAVENS

BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…

RAVENS

———-

RAMS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.

"It was like prom, all over again."

“It was like prom, all over again.”

I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.

PACKERS

BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else.  Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.

The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable.  But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game.   The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.

RAMS
———-

BILLS at TITANS

D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).

"Actually D.T., we're running on pure fuck you."

“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”

They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.

BILLS

BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?

That’s all I got for this game.

BILLS

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

———-

CARDINALS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.

CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination.  But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.

Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.

PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.

PATRIOTS
———-

BRONCOS at RAIDERS

D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.

Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.

Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…

“Don’t, Krol.”

“Don’t, Krol.”

Okay, okay…

BRONCOS

———-

NINERS at GIANTS

D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he'll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.

GIANTS

BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating.  Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.

GIANTS

———-

STEELERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.

"..."

“…”

The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.

Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.

BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.

—–

D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.

 

"It's super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!"

“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”

BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…

 

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.

4th and Krol: Picks, Week the 4th!

leave a comment »

D.T.: Things fall apart. The Steelers have lost Cheeseburger to the QB-eating machine that is the Rams defense, the Cowboys already show signs of struggle without Bryant and Romo, and the 49ers had a swift reality check after thinking they were going to bounce back. Dreams of playoff runs burst like fireworks in the night.

"Really?"

“Really?”

It was an absolutely brutal week for a lot of teams, filled with injuries to players, heartbreak for fans, and pure comedy for me and Krol. There was also that game between the Lions and Broncos that was just painful for everyone, and there was nothing funny about it.

BMK: So far, the quality of football this season has sort of sucked. I’m not sure if it’s just the schedule getting the dreck out of the way or if the sport has taken a step back.  That’s possible. It happened to basketball, post-Jordan and pre-Lebron.  Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s Goodell’s fault.

"Don't blame me for the Colts, Krol."

“Don’t blame me for the Colts, Krol.”

———-
RAVENS at STEELERS
D.T.: Here’s where the Ravens start to turn things around, at least for a little while. What should have been a rough divisional match this week has been made much softer with the removal of Roethlisberger from the equation. The Ravens haven’t been a bad team this season, just one with shitty luck. Last week’s game against the Bengals was pretty spectacular on both sides, with some of the craziest tackle shedding I’ve seen in ages. Any more amazing and the players would have been shooting off sparks.

"Dude, what the fuck is this?"

“Dude, what the fuck is this?”

Now the Ravens get to direct all of that ferocity and pent up desire for a win against an ailing rival. Yes, Mike Vick is a good QB2, but I guarantee that offense doesn’t operate like it does with Big Ben taking snaps. Expect the Ravens secondary to take back their good name.

RAVENS

BMK: I’m writing this on Saturday.  But I feel pretty good about my pick.

STEELERS

"Really?"

“Really?”

I’m kidding. I picked the Ravens. I have the text I sent to DT if you don’t believe me. Really.

RAVENS

———-

JETS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Dolphins are on a losing-to-lesser-teams-tour, and the next stop is a massively disappointing display against their rivals, the New York Jets. The only good thing about this game is the fact that it’s being played in London, so it technically doesn’t count, right? The Jets are on a meteoric rise, and the hire of head coach Todd Bowles is a boost the team desperately needed after the fiasco that was Rex Ryan, last season. The Dolphins will continue their dud of a season.

"So that's how this week is going down, huh?"

“So that’s how this week is going down, huh?”

JETS

BMK: London games are so hard to predict.  What do you expect, making the players—some of whom went to schools like FSU—play in a foreign country where they don’t speak the language.

 

"I’m going to ring the authorities and have them deal with this cheeky arsehole Krol. Right after I scoff an apple."

“I’m going to ring the authorities and have them deal with this cheeky arsehole Krol. Right after I scoff an apple.”

Anyway, the Jets are on an upswing. So long as Brandon Marshall doesn’t lateral the ball to anyone this week, I like their odds here.

JETS

———-

JAGUARS at COLTS

D.T.: The Jags had a nice time beating the Dolphins in week two, but like a great Fourth of July display, all good things must come to an end.

"Why are you doing this?"

“Why are you doing this?”

They lost in devastating fashion against the Patriots last week, and the Colts’ middling efforts at an early season comeback will continue with a win on Sunday. Maybe we’ll be fortunate enough to see Andrew Luck go rogue against an easy opponent and prove to Pep Hamilton what a terrible Offensive Coordinator he is.

COLTS

BMK: The Colts have to win sometime, right?

COLTS

———-

GIANTS at BILLS

D.T.: A fun match-up here. With the way things are going, I’m inclined to think that the Bills defense will strike hard, and light up Eli Manning’s offense.

"Ugh..."

“Ugh…”

The Bills have been ferocious so far this season, and even gave the Patriots a run for their money, while the Giants’ offense and game management have been less than stellar. If the Giants give the Bills any quarter, Buffalo will run away with it. And given history as an example thus far, I’m comfortable making that my prediction.

BILLS

BMK: The only person the Giants scare is DT, and that’s only when he Googles John Pierre Paul. Rex Ryan has the Bills going in the right direction and I think they take care of the Giants this week.

BILLS

———-

PANTHERS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Last week, the Panthers were all but promised a win, when Drew Brees was ruled out with an injury. And that’s what they got, even if they failed to set the world on fire with their victory.

"I'm not even paying attention anymore."

“I’m not even paying attention anymore.”

The Bucs, on the other hand, lost out to the Texans defense, just as I suspected. As with any NFC South game, we can expect a Battle of the Bad, but I think Cam’s poise will win over Winston’s bravado, and the Panthers’ defense will help secure the win.

PANTHERS

BMK: The Panthers do nothing for me here. NOTHING! So, I’m taking the Bucs in my Upset Special of the Week!

BUCCANEERS

———-

EAGLES at REDSKINS

D.T.: The Eagles, somehow and someway, pulled a win away from a defense that’s been blowing away the opposition.

"..."

“…”

Is it the start of an upswing for the Philly squad? Was it a fluke win fueled by sheer determination and emotion? Or is just impossible to predict the Eagles this season? Well, against the Redskins, I think it’s fair to predict another win.

EAGLES

BMK: Oh my god, is this matchup a stinker.  Who the hell would watch this game?

This guy, I guess...

This guy, I guess…

Anyway, this game is basically unwatchable trash for a variety of reasons. I’m taking the Eagles since … well, crap. I have no idea. I’m going with my gut. And when has that ever steered me wrong?

EAGLES

———-

RAIDERS at BEARS

D.T.: Raiders. Boom.

"You didn't even fucking TRY on that one!"

“You didn’t even fucking TRY on that one!”

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are doing a lot of good things this year. Derek Carr looks like he could be the real deal, and Amari Cooper looks like a young Larry Fitzgerald. Chicago, on the other hand, looks like the stuff that comes out of Harry Dean Stanton after a night of drinking whiskey and doing Molly.

RAIDERS

———-

TEXANS at FALCONS

D.T.: I have to say, Matt Stafford looked composed as he threw for 285 yards and a pair of touchdowns on Sunday — even if it was against a tenderized Cowboys squad. The real star of the show, however, was Devonta Freeman, who found the end zone three times. He gave a performance that one would easily call explosive.

"Saw that one coming."

“Saw that one coming.”

If the Falcons can maintain that focus against the Texans’ defense, I see them taking another win this week, and maybe even being considered a contender for this ailing division.

FALCONS
BMK: The Falcons are the best team in the NFC South.  Which is like being the best break dancer in a minefield.

Don’t get that metaphor? Neither do I!

FALCONS

After that nonsense, you deserve this:

It's so hypnotic...

It’s so hypnotic…

———-

CHIEFS at BENGALS

D.T.: It was a foregone conclusion that the Chiefs would lose last week in Lambeau. Aaron Rodgers kept the no-interception-streak alive, despite one minor scare, and outside of some poor game management and slowing down on Green Bay’s part, they kept the game well in-hand.

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on that one, asshole."

“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on that one, asshole.”

With the Bengals playing as well as they are, the the Chiefs finding ways to lose games, I expect the Red Rifle and his band of tigers to secure another home win and come out… dare I say it… 4-0.

BENGALS

BMK: The Bengals are on a hot streak, that’s for sure.  With Roethlisberger out, the Ravens sucking, and the Browns being the Browns, they’re going to run away with the AFC North.

———-

BROWNS at CHARGERS

D.T.: I wasn’t wrong for picking the Browns/Raiders as my game of the week. The game ended up being pretty damned exciting, considering both teams were fighting NOT to lose to the other. The Raiders continue to impress and show a spark of greatness on both sides of the ball.

"Man, you already used SPARK!"

“Man, you already used SPARK!”

Wait, shit… I’m supposed to say something about the Browns here. Well, they’ll maybe not lose too badly to the Chargers? By the way, I thought about driving out to this game for no other reason than field-level tickets, right behind the bench on the 50 yard line are going for $250. That’s cheaper than fucking Rams tickets last season.

CHARGERS
BMK: DT and I were thinking about attending this game (see above), but then he fell ill and my cat needed 1500 bucks worth of Thyroid therapy. A shame. I was hoping to live out my inner Hunter S. Thompson and turn in a Fear and Loathing version of this column. Oh well—such is life.

Oh, yeah, I need to pick this game. Uh…Chargers.

"Don't drag me into your nightmare existence, Krol."

“Don’t drag me into your nightmare existence, Krol.”

———-

PACKERS at NINERS

D.T.:

Packers fans: get there late, enjoy a quick beer and leave before the end of the fourth quarter. Your team is going to win – big time – and you don’t want to be anywhere near groups of Niners fans when it happens. Levi Stadium will be set to go off like a powder keg.

"That one was actually pretty good."

“That one was actually pretty good.”

PACKERS

BMK: I’ve actually thought about attending a game at Levi’s Stadium. A few things hold me back. 1) It’s a nightmare to get there from where I live in the Bay Area, 2) I’d have to root for the other team, which would open me up to getting my legs ripped off by thickheaded 49ers fans. Seriously, it’s like Lord of the Flies down there.

Anyway, the Packers are going to kill the 49ers.  Incidentally, you cannot imagine the angst and consternation the Cardinals victory caused on Bay Area sports radio. As a Cardinals fan, it was delicious.

PACKERS

———-

RAMS at CARDINALS

D.T.: You might have noticed a theme running through my part of the column this week. It’s not because I’m a complete dick and have no cares when it comes to serious injuries that could have been prevented by being a responsible adult. It’s in tribute to the St. Louis Rams, who failed spectacularly this week in trying to speed up their move to LA by burning down their fucking stadium with fireworks.

Everyone knows you're supposed to start the fire in the opposing team's locker room. Come on!

Everyone knows you’re supposed to start the fire in the opposing team’s locker room. Come on!

When their plan blew up in their faces…

"Yeah, I hate you again."

“Yeah, I hate you again.”

…they took out their frustration on Ben Roethlisberger, and took out his knee, as they are wont to do with opposing QBs. This ensures the Cardinals’ win streak will carry on into week 6, when they face a Ben-less Steelers squad after defeating the Rams this week and the Lions after that. Seriously, even I’m shocked at how solid the Cardinals look on both sides of the line. I was worried and already calling out their new defensive coordinator for being under-experienced. The Cardinals will take this win, though I’d be perfectly fine with head Coach Bruce Arians letting Carson Palmer sit and not risk being the next victim of that St. Louis defense.

CARDINALS

BMK: This is a hard one to call. The Rams are not a good team offensively. Not with Nick Foles at QB (and how does that trade with the Eagles look now?). But they are very good defensively. Especially along the defensive line. But then again, the Redskins took them apart with Alfred Morris and the Steelers handled them pretty well.  It seems like this team just gets pumped for the interdivision games and sort of reverts back to the mean outside the division. It’s like they’re all about playing the spoilers and then forget that they have ten other games they should probably win.

As a sports guy, I like the Cardinals to win. As a Cardinals fan, watching the team’s first and second QB go down against this team, I don’t care if they win so long as Palmer isn’t injured. So should I do what I normally do and pick against them?  It worked last week. Then again, I’m still ahead of DT in the picks… THIS IS THE HARDEST DECISION ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO MAKE!

F it.

CARDINALS

———-

VIKINGS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Holy shit, what the fuck was that on Sunday night? Even Trent Dilfer would be unable to find things to scream about, as the Lions and Broncos plodded up and down the field like they all had someplace better to be. If either of these teams played like they wanted to win games, they’d be truly dangerous to any team they faced. That said, the Broncos aren’t about to lose this week and break their (questionably-earned) win-streak at home against another NFCN team. I’m hoping each week brings us closer to either Peyton clicking with that new offense, or Elway and Kubiak finally caving and letting him run the show.

"You forgot something."

“You forgot something.”

Oh, right. Something-something-fireworks.

BRONCOS
BMK: The Broncos have problems.  But they’re going to handle the Vikings easily.

By the way, I want credit for not doing the obvious 99 Problems joke.

BRONCOS
———-

COWBOYS at SAINTS

D.T.: Sean Payton says that we’re being saved from a Battle of the Back-ups on Sunday night. Brees is expected to appear and participate fully in practices leading up to the game. If he comes back healthy, this could be New Orleans’ chance to bounce back and gain some confidence in a high-profile, prime-time win. But, you know, I’ve gotta go with my gut on this one and say the Weeden-led Cowboys find a way to win against the utterly-downtrodden Saints. It’ll be a win for Dallas, but don’t expect a blowout.

"Are we almost done with this shit?"

“Are we almost done with this shit?”

COWBOYS

BMK: This game sums up the problem with this week. None of these matches have any real drama. Does anyone think the Cowboys won’t beat the Saints? Anyone who’s not in New Orleans and on their fifth Hand Grenade of the day?  No. All the teams that are supposed to win this week will win. Boring, I say. Boring.

COWBOYS

———-

LIONS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: After their lethargic display against a Broncos team that could have been beaten, the Lions don’t seem to have much hope or desire this season. Against a Seattle squad more or less back at full strength and looking to regain their mental edge, the Lions are going to be little more than a better warm-up than the Bears to work out the kinks and kick off the rust. And if you’re as apathetic as the Lions have been, playing in CenturyLink Field will be crushing. The energy in that place is popping.

"Popping. Yeah, great. I'm just gonna -- who the FUCK replaced by music with 'Firework' by Katy Perry?"

“Popping. Yeah, great. I’m just gonna — who the FUCK replaced by music with ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry?”

SEAHAWKS

BMK: I wish it wasn’t so, but the Lions aren’t going to win this week.  Maybe Matt Safford can prove me wrong? Maybe. Maybe Kat Dennings will break down in front of my house next week and need to use my phone.

Here's a glimpse into my inner life.

SEAHAWKS

———-

D.T.: Well, I definitely had a blast writing this week’s article. However, the nightmares I’ll suffer after Googling Jason Pierre-Paul so many times will haunt me for years to come. Seriously folks, don’t fucking Google Jason Pierre-Paul. Ever. Google should block that shit forever. I need a drink…

Thanks for reading! Next week we have a bunch of really shitty games on the docket so enjoy this week as much as you can!

BMK: If this column seems a little light on my end this week, you’re right! I thought about just doing straight picks so I didn’t interrupt what DT was doing with JPP, but then I realized that our brand is DT doing the good stuff while I ruin everything. Mission accomplished!

Thanks for reading.  See you guys next week.

 

Guess who's still on top?

Guess who’s still on top?

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat Bike

This post was written and compiled listening to house music, math rock, and that nagging voice inside my head that’s telling me it’s later than I think…

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 3, 2015 at 2:57 pm

4th and Krol Picks: Week 3

leave a comment »

Week Three!

Week Three!

D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?

"Yeah, bitches!"

“Yeah, bitches!”

So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!

BMK: Week Three is interesting.  We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.

We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?

On to the picks!

———-

REDSKINS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.

 "Let's see... mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face... yep. This part of the article checks out."


“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”

GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle.  The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.

GIANTS
———-

FALCONS at COWBOYS

D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.

"Ah'm still alive, ya somesabishes!"

“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”

FALCONS

BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage.  So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment.  These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.

Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.

That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones.  Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games.  That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.

COWBOYS

———-

COLTS at TITANS

D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.

COLTS

BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West.  Maybe Jacksonville?

Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans.  Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV.  Then I’m all like see ya!

COLTS

———-

RAIDERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.

"It ain't for everyone, though."

“It ain’t for everyone, though.”

I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.

 

"Did someone say snatch?"

“Did someone say snatch?”

I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.

RAIDERS

BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.

Did some one say creepy?

Did someone say creepy?

RAIDERS
———-

BENGALS at RAVENS

D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.

RAVENS

BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.

BENGALS

———-

JAGUARS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.

"Hee hee... he said balls. W-wait a second..."

“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Jesus Christ.  Just look at that guy.  I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.

And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”

PATRIOTS

By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore.  When’s the last time a football column did that?  And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY

Crap...Spoke too soon.

Crap…Spoke too soon.

———-

SAINTS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.

SAINTS

BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career.  Maybe he’s getting it?  I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.

PANTHERS

———-

EAGLES at JETS

D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.

JETS

BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team?  Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot...

Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…

If even that well.

JETS

———-

BUCCANNERS at TEXANS

D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.

"Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback."

“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”

I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.

TEXANS

BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.

"Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!"

“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”

No, not that Outback…

Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong!  Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!

So, I don’t get it.  I’m going with the safe Pick.

TEXANS

———-

CHARGERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?

"I thought everyone knew that."

“I thought everyone knew that.”

It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.

CHARGERS

BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder?  Pass…

CHARGERS

———-

STEELERS at RAMS

D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.

STEELERS
BMK:  The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One.  Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness.  I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers.  Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.

I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.

STEELERS
———-

NINERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.

The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous.  Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.

The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era.  I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.

Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…

49ERS

"Krol picked the Niners? Good...everything's going according to plan..."

“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”

———-

BILLS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.

Yeah, I said "less masculine". I stand by it.

Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.

The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.

BILLS

BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!

The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup.  Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.

Kat's mad about that evolution joke.

Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.

DOLPHINS

———-

BEARS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.

SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.

"My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I'm not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!"

“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”

The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.

But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children?  That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!

SEAHAWKS
———-

BRONCOS at LIONS

D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.

"Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy..."

“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”

As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.

BRONCOS

BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.

"It's okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay."

“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”

BRONCOS

———-

CHIEFS at PACKERS

D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.

"No one throws to Sherman's side? Heh... watch this."

“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”

The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.

PACKERS

BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.

———-

BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week?  Tune in and find out.

Or just keep ignoring us.  Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.

When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh?  When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.

D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.

Cheers!

 

This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it.  So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.

Resting bitch face never looked so good.

The Debut of 4th and Krol! Week Two Picks!

with one comment

Here We Go...

Here We Go…

BMK: Our longtime reader may have noticed a different logo this week.  To him/her I say: you’re right! We’ve changed the name of the column.

There isn’t any exciting reason why we changed the name beyond the fact that the original site where NFL Tackle appeared had no real desire to keep publishing it.  DT and I like writing this column and so we decided to keep working together. However, neither one of us felt comfortable keeping the NFL Tackle name so we decided to change it.  See? Simple story.  If only Brady had taken that approach several months ago…

Anyway, the plan is to slowly ramp up an empire that will result in DT and I being wealthy enough to buy ESPN.  And while we’re executing that plan, we’ll still be writing this column, under this name, for the foreseeable future. We’re also planning a podcast to discuss the NFL week that was and any other silly thing that crosses our domes.  So, if you like what we’re doing here, rest assured there will be more. If you don’t like it, then screw you.

D.T.: Well… that was a hell of a first week of football. Overall, I think we were pretty damned accurate, aside from the crazy shit that no one could have predicted. Like Marcus Mariota absolutely wrecking Tampa with only 16 passes, and Andrew Luck forgetting it was Football Day.

 

"Sorry, dudes... by the way, where's Trent?"

“Sorry, dudes… by the way, where’s Trent?”

So, while Tennessee starts building their Church of Mariota, and San Francisco pretends that Monday night’s hysterical display of ineptitude from both SF and Minnesota is proof that they’re not as bad as we thought they would be, we’re back at it!

———-

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS

D.T.: Alright, I’m officially getting nervous. Peyton played off the Broncos’ poor performance on Sunday with his usual Southern charm and sarcasm, but he’s failed to throw a touchdown pass in his last FIVE regular season games. Alex Smith, however, finally threw a touchdown pass for the first time in over a SEASON and looked pretty good doing it, overcoming Houston’s tough defense and winning by seven points.

Thursday Night Football is going to be rough on the Broncos, who are on the road in a divisional match-up just four days after their season opener. Unless Manning has worked out the kinks, this one will play out for both teams the same way their week one games did: Broncos will attempt to compensate on defense, and the Chiefs will look for ways to keep the passing streak alive. Kansas City is surprisingly hard to play in, and the Broncos always struggle there. I see the Chiefs taking it by a narrow margin.

CHIEFS

BMK: Today I have come to bury Manning, not praise him.  What we’re witnessing is the slow death of one of the great ones. Unfortunately, he was cut down by physical maladies.  If he wasn’t, who knows how many more years Peyton Manning could continue to lose in the post-season.

This stop on the Manning retirement tour will not go well for Denver. The dude is done,and Denver doesn’t have much besides Manning.  And Talib can’t have a pick-six every game…or can he?

He can’t.

CHIEFS

I did a Google search image for Sad Peyton and this came up...

I did a Google search image for Sad Peyton Manning and this came up…

———-

TEXANS at PANTHERS

D.T.: Last week I predicted an upset, and early on, it looked like I might have been right. But, Jaguars will be Jaguars, and the Panthers shut them down with a 20-9 win. However, Cam Newton and his lacking receiving corps are going to find themselves in a very different situation against the Texans defense. J.J. Watt came out of last week with two sacks and nine tackles. His razor-sharp focus will be solely on shutting down Cam Newton…

I mean seriously: he's still trying to maintain eye contact. Talk about focus.

I mean seriously: he’s still trying to maintain eye contact. Talk about focus.

…and even Cam’s dad can’t pay his way out of this one. And with Luke Kuechly likely sidelined on Sunday, the Texans take this one.

TEXANS

BMK: A lot of the national media have picked the Panthers to win.  I don’t get it. The Panthers offense is in the toilet and they’re about to face a very good front seven.  Maybe it’s because the Texan’s offense is just slightly out of the toilet?

I don’t know. All I know is this will be one crappy game to watch.

See what I did there?

See?

TEXANS
———-

NINERS AT STEELERS

D.T.: During Monday night’s travesty and affront to the Football Gods, Carlos Hyde ended up looking like he was in one of those commercials where a pro athlete is goofing off with a bunch of kids. You know how football games have highlights? This one had highlight. Singular. Look at this:

Yeah, it was a sick move, but look how utterly lost everyone else on the field looks

Yeah, it was a sick move, but look how utterly lost everyone else on the field looks.

Niners Fans, after finishing their parking lot fights and dusting themselves off, have declared Monday night a wake-up call for the rest of the league that their funny-at-first-then-painful-to-watch offseason is a thing of the past, and they’ll be just fine. Bullshit. They’re playing an actual, honest to goodness Professional Football Team this week, and if they think Cheeseburger and Antonio Brown aren’t going to eat the SF defense alive, they’re even more delusional than we’ve been led to believe.

STEELERS

BMK: I live in the Bay Area, and my God, you should have heard the 49er fans warbling on about their victory over the Vikings.  You’d think these clowns took down the 85 Bears.

Listen up Sizzle Chest: MN is a mess and had the 49ers faced a vaguely competent team, that game would have been over in the first half.

Face the facts.  Your team’s flirtation with respectability is over. Get used to being in the cellar of the NFC West. Again.

STEELERS

———-

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS

D.T.: We all thought Jameis Winston – with the slightly better overall team surrounding him – would be the rookie QB to put on the better showing on Sunday. Instead, he looked rattled, ill-at-ease and defeated by the end of the day. This week, he’s visiting the Mercedez-Benz Superdome which, if it were any darker and more green would look like the fucking Matrix.

Winston is going to need night vision goggles just to overthrow his receivers.

Winston is going to need night vision goggles just to overthrow his receivers.

The Saints are a decent home team, and will be looking to bounce back after losing to Arizona in week one. I say they do it.

SAINTS
BMK: Drew Brees had a decent outing last week, despite losing the game. Like DT, I think they come back and win since they’re at home and the Buccaneers aren’t good.

SAINTS
———-

LIONS AT VIKINGS

D.T.: The other half of the Worst Football Game Ever™, the Vikings get to host a divisional rival after a humiliating loss in week one. That’s like accidentally shitting your pants in school and having the only person you run into on your way to the parking lot be the school bully. Things are only going to get more shitty for the Vikings in week 2.

The Lions failed to contain the Chargers as they rallied for a comeback win, and Stafford wasn’t able to connect with an oft-double-covered Megatron. After seeing Minnesota’s display last week, I’d expect them to quadruple cover Megatron, and still allow him to break away and score. Lions get an early boost this week to help them chase the Packers in the NFC North.

LIONS
BMK: Colin Kaepernick picked apart the Vikings. Colin Freakin’ Kaepernick.  Can you imagine what a good quarterback would do to that defense?  Luckily you won’t have to. Just tune into this game on Sunday. Or, be like most of America, and don’t.

LIONS
———-

CARDINALS AT BEARS

D.T.: The Bears didn’t look terribly bad in week one, and actually held their own pretty well against the Green Bay Packers. They ran out of steam in the end however, and let Rodgers close out the game with a nice TD pass to Cobb and let the world know that they’ll be just fine, even without Jordy Nelson.

The Cardinals defense had a hitch in their step in week one against Drew Brees’ offense, but this week… well, we’re talking about Jay Cutler. I’d say that offense needs a real shot in the arm, but Cutler’s a notorious anti-vaxxer, so I guess they’re fucked.

Cutler: "Personal foul on D.T. for roughing the passer" Ref: "Shut the fuck up, Jay."

Cutler: “Personal foul on D.T. for roughing the passer”
Ref: “Shut the fuck up, Jay.”

The Cardinals compensated well for losing Running Back Andre Ellington, and Carson Palmer’s offense looks sharp. Arizona’s real weakness will come from covering Martellus Bennett and while the Bears will likely look to exploit that, Arizona will come out of Chi-Town with a 2-0 record.

CARDINALS

BMK: So I picked the Cardinals and they won. For a while, it didn’t look good. We can apparently add screen passes to the list of things the Cardinals can’t defend against.  That said, the Cardinals shut down the New Orleans rushing attack and did enough to Drew Brees to keep the Saints from winning.  This week, they’re facing Jay Cutler, who’s not a great Quarterback. Even Geno Smith laughs at Jay Cutler (albeit, through his clenched jaw). But, the Bears have a great TE and pretty decent RB. Whether the Cardinals succeed this week will be dependent on doing what no NFL team can do anymore, which is stop a tight-end.  I’m not optimistic.

But I’m not fatalistic either.

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS AT BILLS

D.T.: What the fuck happened in Indy last week? I mean seriously. Are the Bills a legitimate team this year, or was it all a freak occurrence? We’ll see when they host divisional rivals the New England Patriots this Sunday. Nasty-looking defense versus an offense of… well, let’s just say questionable ethics, in a grudge match. One thing’s for sure, this division needs to be flipped upside down, and if the Bills manage to pull a win they’ll shatter the egos of Patriots fans everywhere, but do football fans in general a service by making things more interesting in that part of the country.

"Is he gonna do it? Is D.T. gonna pick us to win...?"

Nah.

"YOU MOTHERF--"

“YOU MOTHERF–“

PATRIOTS

BMK:

Hey...My Man Krol's gonna pick us, right?

Hey! My Man Krol’s gonna pick us, right?

No.

You bastard...

You bastard…

PATRIOTS

———-

CHARGERS AT BENGALS

D.T.: The Chargers rallied against the Lions in what ended up being a pretty decent game, while the Bengals humiliated the Raiders while everyone kind of shrugged and said “Yeah, and?” Still, the Chargers suffered injury to their offensive line, and the Bengals’ defense is looking pretty good. It’s a game that’s hard to get excited about unless you have a vested interest in either team, but I think one might actually turn into a tussle worth paying attention to. Bengals are decent enough at home to stick out a win here.

BENGALS

BMK: Philip Rivers vs Andy Dalton? What a snoozefest.  This is the Ned Flanders of football games. Watching this game means you’re a degenerate football junkie. Betting on this game means you need help. Bad.

BENGALS

 

You're Gonna Get Diddly Yours Krol...

        You just made some powerful enemies, Krol…

———-

TITANS AT BROWNS

D.T.: Marcus Mariota’s eventually going to come up against a worthy opponent in week 3 when he meets the Colts (though if week one for Indy was any indication, maybe not). Kid better be careful, or he’s going to get a big head, winning all these easy games early in his first year.

Johnny Manziel vs. What Cleveland Hoped Manziel Would Be.

 

TITANS

BMK: Before everyone jumps on the Titans bandwagon, let me remind you all that there is a reason they had the second overall draft pick last year.  Football teams don’t change overnight.

So what’s going to win out here?  The Titans who are still pretty bad, Mariota’s excellent game against the Buccaneers notwithstanding, or Cleveland being Cleveland. This is the irresistible suck meeting the immovable sucking.
If the Browns had Josh McCown starting I’d like their chances.  Which is the first time in the history of the human race someone wrote that sentence and was sincere.  Here’s another sentence no one has ever written before: Giant Antarctic penguins think Neil Peart is a pussy.

TITANS
———-

FALCONS AT GIANTS

D.T.: I sense another wacky game on the horizon. This one will play out like both teams’ week one games. A shoot-out till the end where it comes down to clock management .The Falcons succeed when it gets to that point, while Tom Coughlin’s medication starts to wear off, and he forgets where he is.

"What the fuck are you all doing on my lawn?!"

“What the fuck are you all doing on my lawn?!”

FALCONS
BMK: Matt Ryan is the vanilla ice cream of Quarterbacks: sure, it gets the job done, but are you really satisfied?

Yeah, the Falcons won on Monday and the Giants lost but who cares? Week One is almost as bad as the preseason when it comes to determining overall outcomes.

I’m taking the Giants at home.  Mostly because I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to decide what to say about this game, and that’s more time than Eli Manning deserves in my beautiful mind.

GIANTS

Jerome Boger is flagging DT for using the obvious Tom Coughlin is old joke...

Jerome Boger is flagging DT for using the obvious Tom Coughlin is old joke…

———-

RAMS AT REDSKINS

D.T.: The Rams and Seahawks ended up being the game I knew it would be, and a bitter fight until the end. The Rams won’t find nearly as much resistance in DC, and with Bradford out in Philly, the Rams don’t have to worry about their QB running in the exhausted quarry Dan Snyder calls a stadium, and ruining his knees again. Rams look fucking tough this year, and the Redskins look… about the same as always.

RAMS

BMK: The Rams are going to be a tough-out for anyone this year, even with Generic White Guy Foles behind center.

His a fun bit of behind the scenes trivia: I was going to Google who the Redskins starting quarterback is since I don’t know it off the top of my head, but then I realized it doesn’t fucking matter.

RAMS

———-

DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS

D.T.: Sorry, Jags. I gave you a shot last week against a team on the ropes, and you dropped the ball. Got no hope for you this week.

DOLPHINS

BMK: Florida is like Texas, only without all the brainiacs.

DOLPHINS

———-

RAVENS AT RAIDERS

D.T.: Fuck me, the 4:05 EST block of games on Sunday is shaping up to be a real pile of shit.

RAVENS

BMK: I picked the Raiders last week because I was seduced by the preseason.  I learned my lesson.

RAVENS

———-

COWBOYS AT EAGLES

D.T.: Now we’re talkin’. The saving grace of the late afternoon Sunday games, and my personal choice for GAME OF THE WEEK. In week one, the Cowboys lost Wide Receiver Dez Bryant to a broken foot, possibly until the last few weeks of the season. Still, Romo showed a clutch display of daring and precision and led the team nearly the entire length of the field in Dallas to close out a tough game against the Giants, who forgot the fundamentals of clock management. Where that Tony Romo was the rest of the game remains a mystery.

"And then I was like, WAIT A SECOND! I KNOW HOW TO FOOTBALL!"

“And then I was like, WAIT A SECOND! I KNOW HOW TO FOOTBALL!”

Sam Bradford looked okay last week against the Falcons, but the Eagles have a lot of problems to try and sort out, not least of all Kicker Cody Parkey, who seems to be struggling with the new kicking rules in the NFL. Take the easiest job in the league and make it a little more difficult, and suddenly it’s actually a challenge. The Eagles made some killer plays though, and I want to point out Kiko Alonso’s spectacular interception, because it was every bit the spectacle as OBJ’s touchdown pass, but I can’t help but think we’ll never hear about it again.

Eagles

As for the outcome of this game, it’s tough to say and that’s the hallmark of a great match-up. If we see Clutch Romo come out of that tunnel and command the game like he did that final drive of week one, then it goes to the Cowboys. If we see him falter, I see the Eagles offense correcting past mistakes and securing a home win. I’ll give the Eagles the edge here.

EAGLES
BMK: To echo my comrade-in-virtual-arms, this is a good matchup.  I’m not on the Eagles bandwagon, especially with Bradford as the QB.

Normally I’d go with the home team, but Romo is a far superior quarterback than Bradford, and he engineered a marvelous drive without Dez Bryant. Romo is going to pick apart the Eagles secondary and their pass rush isn’t getting past one of the best offensive lines in football.

COWBOYS
———-

SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS:

D.T.: Kam Chancellor’s hold-out continues, as Seattle moves on from their narrow divisional loss to the Rams and towards Green Bay. These two teams have had explosive, unpredictable games in recent years, and with the uncertainty surrounding both, this will be no different. With Jordy Nelson out, the Legion of Boom will have some real choices to make on who their backfield will cover, and Aaron Rodgers can use that to his advantage. The man is damn-near unstoppable in Lambeau, having not thrown an interception at home since 2012. With a reduced Seattle defense due to a certain someone’s greediness, A-Rod will look to keep that streak alive.

This is going to be a close game. It might even be a damn good game, with both of these teams coming in fairly fresh, in perfect football weather, and both with something to prove. In the end, I say Rodgers and the Packers prevail by a narrow margin.

PACKERS

 

BMK: This is my game of the week.  I’m very interested to see how the Seahawks bounce back from their loss at St. Louis. I’m not ready to completely write off the Seahawks yet, but I do think they’ll take a step backwards this year, especially with Chancellor holding out (a situation thornier than the Cuban Missile crisis…but with much, much lower stakes).

 

The Rams demonstrated last week what everyone should realize by now, and that is Russell Wilson cannot beat you on his own. He needs help, and when the Rams took away Marshawn Lynch, he didn’t have that help and things got back. Now, the Rams have one of the best defensive front sevens in all of the NFL (maybe even the world!), and the Seahawks are weak up front, especially in the interior of the line. So did they lose because the Rams strength overtook Seattle’s weakness? Or is something more rotten than Soundgarden up in the Pacific Northwest?  Only time—and this game—will tell.

 

I’m picking the Packers this week because Seattle’s secondary isn’t what it used to be and Aaron Rodgers is an amazing QB, especially at home (seriously, you should try his scones!). But I’m less confident about this pick because their defense consists of Clay Mathews and a bunch of guys. But I want to make my friend Dave Bushey happy, so I’m sticking with the Pack.

 

PACKERS

———-

JETS AT COLTS

D.T.: Whereas the Cowboys/Eagles game is hard to predict because both teams are decent and evenly-matched, the Jets and Colts game is hard to predict because who the fuck knows which version of these two teams will show up. The Jets destroyed the Browns last week, but y’know… big deal. I think the Colts severely underestimated the Bills and failed to adjust their gameplan. I bet they’ll spend all of this week studying the Jets’ game film, and will come prepared. If they lose to the Jets in their home opener after that awful display, there will be hell to pay for Chuck Pagano.

And I wouldn't want this fuckin' nutcase pissed at me.

And I wouldn’t want this fuckin’ nutcase pissed at me.

COLTS

BMK: I think Andrew Luck is a beast, but that game last week shook my confidence in the man. That said, they bounce back this week.

COLTS

———-

D.T.: And so ends the NFL TACKLE, and so begins 4TH & KROL. The king is dead, long live the king. I feel like we’re experiencing some growth and progress, and actually getting better at this, as opposed to the Washington Redskins. I’m psyched to see how week to plays out, and where these early-emerging storylines take us in the coming weeks.

BMK: Here endeth the picks. This week has some real snoozer matchups. Next week should be better…right?

Next week, look for the debut of the 4th and Krol Podcast.  DT and I will be recording it on Tuesday and hopefully we’ll have it posted somewhere on Wednesday. WATCH THIS SPACE FOR DETAILS!

Well, maybe not this space specifically, but you get what I mean.

By the way, looks who’s leading.

That's a pretty commanding lead, aint it?

That’s a pretty commanding lead, aint it?

And finally…

No, this isn't a candid shot. I keep those on my special hard drive.

No, this isn’t a candid shot. I keep those on my special hard drive.

 

This post was written and compiled listening to the Violent Femmes discography and the wailing of my teenage soul.

Written by B. Michael Krol

September 18, 2015 at 9:14 pm