Posts Tagged ‘Arizona Cardinals’
4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!
Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.
D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.
BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?
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EAGLES at LIONS
D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.
“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”
Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.
Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.
EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia. This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.
I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.
Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.
EAGLES
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PANTHERS at COWBOYS
D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.
Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.
PANTHERS
BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.
This dude’s adorable…
Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.
In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…
COWBOYS
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BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.
The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.
PACKERS
BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.
To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay? Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.
Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.
PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats. I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.
Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!
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SAINTS at TEXANS
D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.
Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.
TEXANS
BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.
I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day. Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.
Of COURSE I went for the pug.
TEXANS
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RAMS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.
Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.
Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!
BENGALS
BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.
Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.
BENGALS
Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!
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VIKINGS at FALCONS
D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.
Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!
VIKINGS
BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.
Remember this clown?
The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.
VIKINGS
I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!
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GIANTS at REDSKINS
D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.
The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?
GIANTS
BMK: Who gives a shit?
This guy is much cooler than you.
GIANTS
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BUCCANEERS at COLTS
D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.
Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!
BUCCANEERS
BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.
Actually, Brooke is super cute.
BUCCANEERS
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BILLS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.
Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!
CHIEFS
BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos. But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.
CHIEFS
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RAIDERS at TITANS
D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.
Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!
RAIDERS
BMK: Who cares? Well, we all know who cares…
He cares.
RAIDERS
This guy, however, does NOT care.
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CHARGERS at JAGUARS
D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.
Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally, Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!
I feel so bad for this dog.
JAGUARS
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DOLPHINS at JETS
D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.
Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!
JETS
BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.
Which is why he’s winning.
Double your fun!
DOLPHINS
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CARDINALS at NINERS
D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.
Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!
CARDINALS
BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.
First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…
Yep…Blaine Gabbert.
Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.
CARDINALS
Draw me like your French girls…
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STEELERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.
Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.
SEATTLE
BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack. Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset. Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…
I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…
STEELERS
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PATRIOTS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.
Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!
PATRIOTS
BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.
But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?
Right?
Finally getting along…
BRONCOS
Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader. I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.
That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.
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RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.
…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.
I am so thankful.
BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup. Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit? This is just embarrassing, NFL.
You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...
And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.
“Really, Krol?”
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D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).
BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.
See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.
Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.
Smart AND sexy
This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.
4th and Krol: Week Eight!
Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…
D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…
“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”
We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.
BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week. But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I. Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!
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DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:
“¡Yo soy orgía!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.
PATRIOTS
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LIONS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.
CHIEFS
BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!
CHIEFS
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BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:
D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.
FALCONS
BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary. There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on. They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league. Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…
Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.
FALCONS
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CARDINALS at BROWNS
D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.
ARIZONA
BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.
Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.
ARIZONA
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NINERS at RAMS
D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.
“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”
Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.
“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”
Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.
RAMS
BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.
Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.
Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.
RAMS
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GIANTS at SAINTS
D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…
…you have to go with Nawlins.
SAINTS
BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants. PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!
“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”
GIANTS
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VIKINGS at BEARS
D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.
VIKINGS
BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.
“Stop. Just stop.”
Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.
BEARS
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CHARGERS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.
“Oh, really?”
All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.
RAVENS
BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything. Except moving to LA.
I sure as hell did, Gosling.
RAVENS
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BENGALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.
“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”
BENGALS
BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?
“Uh, what?”
Yes.
BENGALS
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TITANS at TEXANS
D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.
TITANS
BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.
Wait, no I’m not.
TITANS
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JETS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.
JETS
BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…
JETS
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SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.
“No, you wouldn’t.”
Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle. Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.
“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”
SEAHAWKS
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PACKERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?
Oh, right.
This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?
The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.
GREEN BAY
BMK: This is a fantastic game. I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.
By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…
GREEN BAY
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COLTS at PANTHERS:
D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.
This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.
PANTHERS
BMK: This is an interesting game? Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT. There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…
“Whatever…”
I guess you’re right. This is it.
PANTHER
———-
D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!
BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes. What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!
What? You expected something else? Have you been paying attention?
Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…
“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”
This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.
4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five
Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…
D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.
ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.
This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is. That guy really grinds my gears.
Anyway…on to the picks!
———-
COLTS at TEXANS
D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.
A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.
COLTS
BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.
Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.
TEXANS
This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…
Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…
———-
BEARS at CHIEFS
D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.
Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.
It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.
CHIEFS
BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs. They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage. Even with Jay Cutler.
CHIEFS
———-
SEAHAWKS at BENGALS
D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.
Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!
Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.
BENGALS
BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh? Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule. And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:
- You’re an idiot
- I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!
The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh! Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes. Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.
I hope it’s this Sunday.
BENGALS
Pictured: The Author
———-
REDSKINS at FALCONS
D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.
FALCONS
BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.
Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.
FALCONS
———-
JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.
JAGUARS
———-
SAINTS at EAGLES
D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.
AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.
It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.
SAINTS
BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).
This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year. But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).
So where am I going with this? Shut up, that’s where!
SAINTS
———-
BROWNS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.
“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”
The Ravens will win, by the way.
RAVENS
BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…
RAVENS
———-
RAMS at PACKERS
D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.
“It was like prom, all over again.”
I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.
PACKERS
BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else. Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.
The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable. But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game. The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.
RAMS
———-
BILLS at TITANS
D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).
“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”
They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.
BILLS
BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?
That’s all I got for this game.
BILLS
DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.
———-
CARDINALS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.
The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.
CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination. But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.
Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?
CARDINALS
———-
PATRIOTS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.
PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.
PATRIOTS
———-
BRONCOS at RAIDERS
D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.
BRONCOS
BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.
Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.
Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…
“Don’t, Krol.”
Okay, okay…
BRONCOS
———-
NINERS at GIANTS
D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.
Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.
The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.
GIANTS
BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating. Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.
GIANTS
———-
STEELERS at CHARGERS
D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.
“…”
The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.
Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.
BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.
—–
D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.
“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”
BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…
Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings
This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.
Inaugural 4th And Krol Podcast
DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns. Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones. And DT too, I guess.
It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…
Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator. This should be fixed now. Enjoy!
4th and Krol Picks: Week 3
Week Three!
D.T.: Upset City! Holy shit, the Raiders, Buccaneers, Jaguars and Browns all won a game. And wait… the Redskins won, too?
“Yeah, bitches!”
So, that’s five picks right out the gate that Krol and I BOTH got wrong. I’d be upset, but I’m actually happy to see shit hitting the fan, and these teams making things interesting (and not least of all, glad for the Redskins in helping my Cardinals lock in the only NFC West win this week). At this point, I don’t know what’s up, what’s down and I’m convinced the league reads this little blog, and is deliberately fucking with us. So, here we go — WEEK THREE, BEGIN!
BMK: Week Three is interesting. We’re getting towards the end of the first quarter of the season. Teams start revealing themselves now. In hindsight all those upsets we didn’t see coming will make a lot more sense.
We’ll still have no idea what happened to Andrew Luck though…Jesus Christ, Andy, what did you do? Did you run over a Gypsy’s dog?
On to the picks!
———-
REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Giants did exactly what I said they would, and got themselves into a shoot out with the Falcons last week, before shitting the bed with poor game management at the end. This week they host the Redskins and unless they completely underestimate them like the Rams did, they should secure a bounce-back win.
“Let’s see… mentioned poor game management, gave us a half-ass pick to win. Posted a photo of me making a face… yep. This part of the article checks out.”
GIANTS
BMK: After the Eagles self-immolation on Sunday and Romo being knocked out of the game, a lot of people were ready to hand the division to the Redskins because of the way the beat the Rams, who beat the Seahawks. Football people love the transitive property apparently (“The Rams beat the Seahawks who are a good team, and the Redskins beat the Rams which means…TEH REDSKINS ARE AWESOME!!!111!!!”). Slow down there, pickle. The Redskins beating the Rams says more about the Rams than the quality of the Redskins. They’re not a good team. Something the Giants will make abundantly clear on Thursday. Unless Manning the Lesser blows another 4th quarter lead.
GIANTS
———-
FALCONS at COWBOYS
D.T.: This one would have been an easy pick. But now, the ‘Boys have lost Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. They’re basically done for the season, and if I had to pick a winner for the NFC East at this point… I guess it would have to be the Giants. Yeah, the Cowboys still have a decent offensive line, but when you’ve got no one behind it or coming through it, what’s the point? Vultures will feast on the corpse of the Cowboys. And I don’t mean Jerry Jones.
“Ah’m still alive, ya somesabishes!”
FALCONS
BMK: I feel really bad for Tony Romo. He’s a good quarterback, a decent father, and, in this era of Russell Wilsons, he seems like a nice guy. But he plays for the Cowboys, whose fans are human garbage. So after breaking his clavicle—again!—Bubbas are going to crawl out of the trailer park questioning his toughness and commitment. These same people would weep like Dick Vermeil if they missed Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.
Romo is a tough SOB that plays one of the most violent sports in the history of the world. Dallas fans don’t deserve a QB that good.
That said, I think they beat the Falcons this week since all the Falcons have is Julio Jones. Not a bad player to have, certainly, but if my years of Cardinals fandom has taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to cry at Football games. That and one elite wide receiver isn’t enough to win, generally.
COWBOYS
———-
COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Colts are officially in trouble. After their terrible loss to the Jets, head coach Chuck Pagano – in his usual, reserved manner – called out both Andrew Luck and General Manager Ryan Grigson in his post-game press conference. Andrew Luck is phenomenally talented, but he’s held back by possibly the worst offensive coordinator in the league, and he’s surrounded by a piecemeal team without any cohesion. Top it all off with a coke-head owner and a long-standing feud between Pagano and Grigson, and you’ve got a recipe for a disastrous season for the Colts. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in saying they’ll rebound against the Titans (who had a weak showing against the Browns of all teams), and get themselves their first win.
COLTS
BMK: Biggest mystery so far this season: what the hell happened to the Colts? Once they signed Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, I was pretty sure they’d win the AFC South, despite being in the same division as the Houston JJ Watts. Given how the top talent in this division is playing, I have no idea who’s going to win the AFC West. Maybe Jacksonville?
Anyway, this Sunday, we’ll see the Colts take on the Titans. Unless Love it or List It is on HGTV. Then I’m all like see ya!
COLTS
———-
RAIDERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Well, shit. Before last week, I could have written this game off with a single joke and moved on. But after the showing both of these teams put on, it’s actually looking pretty interesting. The Raiders managed to squeeze out a narrow win against a still-decent Ravens offense, and sobriety is apparently agreeing with Johnny Manziel.
“It ain’t for everyone, though.”
I can see this one being a… holy shit, I’m about to say this… a fun, and exciting football game. If both of these teams come in hungry after their last wins, thinking they’re going to snatch a win from the other, we could be in for a dirty, ugly, fun game.
“Did someone say snatch?”
I’m going to give it to the Raiders. Derek Carr is looking sharp, and his chemistry with Amari Cooper is becoming impressive. And Khalil Mack will keep that Cleveland offensive line in check. Fuck it, I’m all in: this is my Game of the Week.
RAIDERS
BMK: I’m seriously starting to worry about DT’s obsession with Jim Irsay. It’s getting creepy.
Did someone say creepy?
RAIDERS
———-
BENGALS at RAVENS
D.T.: After their humiliating loss to the Raiders, the Ravens will be out for blood, and a home win. The loss of Terrell Suggs is already showing in their defense, and the Bengals are looking sturdy. Still, the Ravens need and really want this one. I’ll bet they force out a win on sheer will alone.
RAVENS
BMK: I don’t see it. Without a strong defense keeping the opposing offense in check, the Ravens are a shell. I think the Bengals take it. If for no reason other than keeping the whole “Is Joe Flacco elite?” question going. For my money, you can never talk enough about Joe Flacco.
BENGALS
———-
JAGUARS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Confidence, dreams, self-esteem and balls will all be deflated. And the only thing on that list belonging to the Patriots will be the balls.
“Hee hee… he said balls. W-wait a second…”
PATRIOTS
BMK: Jesus Christ. Just look at that guy. I’m pretty sure when they’re in the huddle, Gronk asks Tom Brady to tell him about the rabbits.
And Tom Brady looks down and whispers, “No.”
PATRIOTS
By the way, so far in this column, I’ve used the word immolation, and I just referenced Steinbeck and Alan Moore. When’s the last time a football column did that? And Draftkings or Fanduel are nowhere to be found! THIS IS A TRUE VICTORY
Crap…Spoke too soon.
———-
SAINTS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Panthers have made it tough to count them out, despite the loss of their prized rookie Receiver. Cam Newton had a pretty fantastic showing on Sunday morning, bombing out passes and doing front flips over a defense I was sure would stomp him flat. Divisional games are always the toughest to predict, and I don’t think I see Drew Brees accepting an 0-3 start to his season. I think this is the Saints’ time to step up and get some kind of momentum going, and the chaos of an NFC South match-up is as good a place as any to do it.
SAINTS
BMK: I think this game is a tough one to call. The Panthers are playing better than anyone expect them to, and the Saints are playing worse than anyone expected them to. Normally in a situation like this, I’d go with the best QB in the match-up, which is unquestionably Drew Brees. However, Cam is playing better lately, and seems a bit more mature than at the start of his career. Maybe he’s getting it? I don’t know.
I agree with DT that I don’t see Brees going 0-3 to start this season. But I’m not sure he can do anything about it.
PANTHERS
———-
EAGLES at JETS
D.T.: Chip Kelly will be headed back to college. He left under bad circumstances, but his parade of nonsense and quarterbacks hasn’t gotten him anywhere, and with decent players leaving the roster left and right, and the team absolutely floundering on the field, he’s not long for the pros. The Jets defense was fucking incredible against one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they’ll rip Sam Bradford apart. Against that Eagles offense, you could probably just put Darrelle Revis on the field and call it a day.
JETS
BMK: Dear God, the Jets defense against this Eagles team? Here’s an animated GIF that expresses how well this matchup will go.
Call me crazy, but this is sorta hot…
If even that well.
JETS
———-
BUCCANNERS at TEXANS
D.T.: An interesting match-up. A rookie quarterback who found a bit of confidence in a win, after a humbling week-one loss to his contemporary. A defense looking to capitalize on the lack of experience and force some mistakes. I don’t care how carefree and casual you make yourself out to be, seeing JJ Watt come after your ass at full speed has got to be one of the scariest things on the planet. Scarier than half the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.
“Scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback.”
I mean, scarier than ALL the monstrous creatures in the Australian Outback. The Texans defense will get what they want out of Jameis Winston, I think.
TEXANS
BMK: DT’s right about the scary monstrous outback creatures. He’s also right about the match-up here.
“Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair!”
No, not that Outback…
Quick! Of the two, who has the better statistical defense after two games? If you said the Texans, you’d be wrong! Who has the better offense after two games? If you said the Buccaneers, you’d be wrong!
So, I don’t get it. I’m going with the safe Pick.
TEXANS
———-
CHARGERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Did you know that Philip Rivers set the NFL record for the longest run of completed passes after the Chargers’ week one game against the Lions? With 20 consecutive passes?
“I thought everyone knew that.”
It was ended in their loss to the Bengals in week two, but it’s still an impressive stat. And it goes to show how far under the radar the Chargers fly for most everyone in the nation. I think they’re entering their week three game against the Vikings as not an underdog, but a cipher of sorts. Rivers is an excellent quarterback, and we’re still waiting to see what sort of show Melvin Gordon can put on. Against the weak Vikings defense, I say they turn some heads and make the country a little more aware that they exist. And yeah, Adrian Peterson will probably put on a good show and score once or twice, too. Yawn.
CHARGERS
BMK: The child-beater versus the child-breeder? Pass…
CHARGERS
———-
STEELERS at RAMS
D.T.: Rams, thank you so much for shutting down the Seahawks in week one. That was really fun, but then you shit the bed and lost to the freaking Redskins. You rode high on that early win, then crashed in Icarus-like fashion with your hubris and overconfidence. The Steelers will defeat you again this week, because they’re just a better team and they do their homework.
STEELERS
BMK: The Rams surprised everyone when they beat Seattle in Week One. Everyone who wasn’t paying attention to them, that is. I think in the Seattle game, we saw a case of one team’s strength aligning perfectly with one team’s weakness. I’m not sure how this dynamic will play out with the Steelers. Center Maurkice Pouncey is out, but the Steelers offensive line held up pretty well against the 49ers, and Roethlisberger is abnormally hard to take down. However, the Rams have a very good front seven, and the only way to keep the Steelers from another Secondary Carve Fest is to pressure Roethlisberger into bad throws. I know it, they know, now you know it.
I think the Steelers take this one. The Rams have improved, but they’re not ready for the big time yet.
STEELERS
———-
NINERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The Cardinals made some bad mistakes in the first half against the Bears last week, but adjustments made by the defense and the unfortunate shoulder injury Jay Cutler sustained rallied the Cardinals to win 48-23. Larry Fitzgerald caught a career-record-matching three touchdown passes, and rookie Running Back David Johnson’s cleats and jersey were added to the Hall of Fame in Canton, after he made the second-longest opening kick-off return in league history, and also found himself the first rookie to ever score a passing, receiving and kick-off return touchdown in his first two career games.
The Niners also played a game last week, and lost. I’m afraid any hopes that the effects of their awful offseason were an exaggeration were false. When up against a well-structured and run team, they faltered, and I believe the same will happen when they visit Glendale, AZ this week and try to take on a Cardinals team firing on all cylinders on both sides of the line of scrimmage. If the Cardinals maintain focus and don’t underestimate Kaepernick and Carlos Hyde, they’ll secure a win — albeit, I believe a narrow win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game makes me nervous. Of course, as my partner DT can attest, every time the Cardinals play it makes me nervous. However, this week I think I’m on to something.
The Cardinals have a hard time stopping mobile quarterbacks and Kaepernick—along with that burgeoning headcase in Seattle—is the prototypical mobile QB of this era. I think the 49ers are out to avenge their embarrassment from last week and I think the Cards might be ready for a reality check. Screens and passes out in the flat are a good way to slow an aggressive defense, and the Cardinals have a very aggressive defense. I think the 49ers dink and dunk themselves to a victory.
Of course I’m doing all of this to make sure they win. There’s only one last thing for me to do ensure that victory…
49ERS
“Krol picked the Niners? Good…everything’s going according to plan…”
———-
BILLS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The Bills failed to defeat the Patriots after much hyperbolic ranting and raving from Rex Ryan. Still, like Leonidas failed to kill the God-King Xerxes, but proved that even a God-King is vulnerable and can bleed, so did the Bills show the world that the Patriots are not invulnerable. This metaphor works better if you imagine Leonidas as being a loud-mouthed asshole, and Xerxes being a little less masculine.
Yeah, I said “less masculine”. I stand by it.
The Bills are kind of impressive so far this year. You can’t really fault them for losing to the Patriots, who are the superior team despite their defense being lacking. The Bills are meaner, with a large chip on their shoulder – exactly how Rex Ryan is breeding the team to be – and seeing what they did to the top of their division makes me think they can pull out a win against a Dolphins team that lost to Jacksonville in week two.
BILLS
BMK: The Bills have a good defense, and that should beat the Dolphins…in theory. In theory, New Coke was a good idea. In theory, evolution exists. In theory, I shouldn’t be writing this column. IN THEORY!
The Bills are a tough out, but I like Tannehill over Taylor in this matchup. Particularly since the fish have a top-ten passing attack.
Kat’s mad about that evolution joke.
DOLPHINS
———-
BEARS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Seahawks begin an incredibly soft stretch of scheduling with this game, against a soft Bears team in a home game. Seattle comes out of this one 1-2, and the next several weeks of wins causes everyone to forget about Kam Chancellor, aside from the few times ESPN and color commentators force him in our faces.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This pic sums up everything about this game you need to know.
“My kind might be going extinct and my habitat is being destroyed because humans lack the political willpower to end Climate Change, but at least I’m not Jimmy Clausen facing the Seattle defense!”
The Seahawks are going to win, and it’s going to be ugly.
But hey, what’s the difference between that cute bear and Jay Cutler’s brood of children? That bear is vaccinated! Hiyo!
SEAHAWKS
———-
BRONCOS at LIONS
D.T.: I’m a Broncos fan, as well as a Cardinals fan, so I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching what the hell is wrong with Peyton Manning. And discovering some compelling testimonies, I’ve reached agreement with the folks who think it’s the fault of Gary Kubiak’s new offense. Watching their week two game against the Chiefs, it was clear that Manning was so much more comfortable, aggressive and accurate during the rare cases the Broncos went into a Manning-directed hurry up offense. The rest of the time, his footwork suffered and he failed to throw with any kind of confidence. The sooner Elway and Kubiak realize this and let Manning finish out his last year with some dignity, the better it’ll be for Denver’s season.
“Please-just-let-me-fu-cking-plaaaayyyy…”
As for the Lions, they enter the game at 0-2, and face questions about about what’s happening with their offense, as well. Matt Stafford managed to connect with Calvin Johnson for some points, but they still lost – quite terribly, at that – against a Vikings team that fell over themselves losing to the mess that is San Francisco. Against Denver’s stout defense, I don’t think they steady themselves this week, and they suffer a home loss and come out 0-3.
BRONCOS
BMK: This is a must win game for the Lions and they’re going to lose it.
“It’s okay bro, China is adopting cap and trade. That polar bear will be okay.”
BRONCOS
———-
CHIEFS at PACKERS
D.T.: Aaron Rodgers is fucking surgical in Lambeau, and he’ll have an easier time picking apart the Chiefs’ defense than he did Seattle’s. It’s almost unfair for the Packers to even have home games at this point, and the Packers sent the Seahawks home with an 0-2 record to the tune of a ten point differential. Eddie Lacy’s status remains uncertain after an ankle injury in Sunday night’s game, but that offense proved more than capable of succeeding without him, even against a top defense.
“No one throws to Sherman’s side? Heh… watch this.”
The Packers also showed decent fortitude on defense, managing to fully contain Marshawn Lynch and hold him to a shocking 41 yards rushing. If the Pack can contain Jamaal Charles anywhere near as well, they should hold down the fort and continue the win streak to three.
PACKERS
BMK: The Chiefs are much improved, but Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since Ford was in the Office. The Pack are going to shut down Charles the way they shut down Lynch, and they’ll be sitting pretty at 3-0, marching towards their annual meltdown in the NFC Championship game.
———-
BMK: That’s it for week three. There’s not a lot of drama this week, since we’re getting a good sense of who teams are and several key injuries take a lot of uncertainty out of many games. Anyway, the competition between DT and I continues apace! Who’ll be ahead next week? Tune in and find out.
Or just keep ignoring us. Eventually we’ll get you. DT and I are like Morrissey, bitch: the more you ignore us, the closer we get.
When’s the last time a football picks column referenced Morrissey, eh? When’s the last time anything related to the NFL referenced Morrissey? Besides Terry Bradshaw singing How Soon is Now at his daughter’s wedding, that is.
And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings, the woman I call the Goddess, and the woman the State of California calls the plaintiff in Dennings v. Krol.
Undergrad TAs never looked like this when I was at school.
D.T.: Week three is a wrap, and you know what that means: week four is coming up! We’ve got divisional games galore, a few solid non-divisional match-ups and another few throw-away games that will make Krol and once again look like we have no idea what we’re talking about (spoiler alert: we don’t). Pretty soon everyone will stop saying “it’s only the first few games of the season” and fanbases will start panicking and jumping out windows, or touting their team as a lock for Super Bowl 50 Champions. Tune in next week: same Krol time, same Krol channel–er, website.
Cheers!
This post was written and complied listening to a lot of crap because it took several days to finish due to lots of stupid shit happening in my life, the latest of which involved a trip to urgent care this morning.
Also, DT never sent me the graphic with our records on it. So here’s a bonus picture of Kat Dennings.
Resting bitch face never looked so good.
THUD NFL Picks Week 5
Week 5
D.T.: The thing we love most about the NFL is often what makes it frustrating: the natural unpredictability of each and every game, in each and every week. Football is arguably one of the most difficult sports to predict (just ask the guy who rage-quit my fantasy league on Monday), but it’s also the reason we keep coming back. For ever bet we lose, every dive we take in fantasy, and every time we swear we’ll find something better to do next Sunday, we come back. It’s the investment in something you think you can guess the outcome of, but know you have a 50/50 chance of getting right. It’s the excitement of believing your team can win the next one, even though they lost the last. Week four of the NFL’s regular season was a shining example of why we love football so much, and why it drives some of us crazy. Week five is likely to follow suit.
BMK: Last week the main storyline was “Is this formerly elite team REALLY this shitty?” This week, the storyline is: “Are these teams really that good.” Arizona will have a tough match-up in Denver this week. If they win, then we’ll all know AZ is for real. If they lose (SPOILER: they will), it all depends on how. Manning needs nine more touchdowns to tie with Favre’s career record. If Peyton does this in this game, check the emergency rooms for me and DT.
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: Last week, the Packers surprised everyone by… well, playing like the Packers for a change. In their first meeting with bitter rival Chicago, the team looked poised and composed, and gave the daunting Bears’ secondary a real run for their money. Rodgers and Nelson showed incredible chemistry and even Eddie Lacy decided to show up and make a few plays. The Vikings, in Teddy Bridgewater’s first outing as a true starting Quarterback, shocked everyone by defeating a Falcons squad high on their historic stomping of Tampa Bay in week three. I’m not sure if the meeting of these two fired up teams will be as explosive as their week four match-ups, however. I think the Packers, if they can hold on to the lessons they’ve learned in prior weeks and keep their momentum going, can overcome the Vikings and get themselves back on track.
What we all HOPE this game will be…
…and what it’ll likely end up being.
PACKERS
BMK: Ponder vs. Rodgers! A Thursday night QB Duel!
Pssh…not at all. This one’s over before it starts. Oh, and by the way, Chavez, I did you a favor last week by picking the Bears to win. This week though…
PACKERS
—–
BEARS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Bears defense has been killing it, their offense is picking up the pace. Carolina, however, is allowing their weaknesses to show through more with each passing week. The Panthers’ offense is still struggling to click, and their defense is having a difficult time pulling it together without Greg Hardy. There’s still some greatness on the Panthers’ roster, and in a division that’s absolutely bonkers so far, they have a chance to pull it together. Especially if they keep giving it to this beautiful son of a bitch:
This guy is prettier than some of the girls I’ve dated. And you know the D.T. only dates dimes.
Ultimately, I think the Bears are on too big of a roll, and Carolina’s not going to be able to keep up. Oh, and here’s a photo of the Panthers’ cheerleaders dancing in the rain. Just because.
Panthers Cheerleaders
BEARS
BMK: Here’s the problem: I’m not sure I trust Jay Cutler. Sometimes he looks great (second half of the 49ers game), other times, he don’t look so good. However, Cutler’s been pretty good on the road (106.3 QB rating) and the Panthers don’t have any real offensive playmakers. All the Panthers’s playmakers know which fork to use and always remember to send their hostess a thank you note.
See what I did there?
Yeah yeah yeah….
These bears do well away from home too…
BEARS
—–
BROWNS at TITANS
D.T.: Raise your hand if you had any idea the Browns were on a bye last week. I tease, but the Browns have been pretty competitive so far this season, and when they’re not trying to pull trick plays that would embarrass a high school coach, they kind of look like a halfway-competent team. The Titans have lost three straight after their surprising win over the Chiefs, leaving many to think it may have been a fluke, and I’m inclined to agree. My prediction? The Browns find themselves at 2-2, and don’t have a terribly difficult time getting there.
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are probably 3rd best team in the AFC North. But they’ll be more than a match for the Titans. It’ll be like that time in Return of the Jedi when the Stormtroopers were kicking Ewok ass. Before the shot of the dead Ewok which bummed everyone out. Except Ken Wisenhunt. He likes dead Ewoks. He likes them so much he has a picture of one on his play calling sheet. That and a picture of Rita Hayworth.
Ken Wisenhunt is a strange, strange man.
Inside Ken Whisenhunt’s mind…
BROWNS
—–
RAMS at EAGLES
D.T.: The Rams have fought hard to prove themselves more than a broken team with too many holes, and fared better against the Cowboys in week three than the Saints did last week. The Eagles, in their own narrow loss against San Francisco, proved that their hurry up offense needs some work against a determined defense. It’s these two scenarios that make this game more interesting than one would expect. The Rams’ secondary is still formidable, and they’re every bit as capable of slowing up the Eagles as the Niners were. Expect two teams to show up, points to be scored, fantasy owners to continue being nervous about Foles, but an Eagles victory by a narrow margin. Man, imagine what a team would look like if you combined the Rams’ defense and the Eagles’ offense.
I just gave myself chills.
EAGLES
BMK: Last week the Eagles proved that you can’t count on miracle finishes every week. At some point your offense needs to score. At the very least, your offense needs to pick up a first goddamn down. The Eagles’s offense looked so bad against the 49ers, I’m tempted to pick the Rams. And they’ve started slow in all of their games so far. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I am going to pick the Rams. To hell with it – I’m living dangerously!
RAMS
—–
FALCONS at GIANTS
D.T.: Two teams who, thus far, have walked all over others that can’t get their acts together, and fall apart when playing teams that can. The Falcons have had strong victories over the Saints (who are perhaps the most confusing mess in the league right now) and the Buccaneers (a win that will likely live on in infamy for the rest of the season), but were absolutely trounced by the Vikings last week, and couldn’t hold their own against the impressive Bengals. The Giants are just as terribly inconsistent, having beaten the Texans and Redskins but failing miserably against the Cardinals and Lions. If I had to forego all statistical and logical analysis and go with my gut, I’d honestly give it to the Giants. They’re a mess, but at least they’ve lost to teams who deserved to win.
GIANTS
BMK: The Falcons are banged up and their defense is terrible.
And that’s still better analysis you get from Deion Sanders.
GIANTS
—–
BUCCANEERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Back on the topic if unpredictability in the NFL: last week’s outings for the Bucs and Saints were jaw-droppers. After the way they’ve played up to this point, no one expected Tampa Bay to sneak in a win against the Steelers, and the only logical explanation for it is the lack of consistency from Pittsburgh’s defense, and some flat out luck on Mike Glennon’s part. The Saints should have come into this season looking like unstoppable Super Bowl contenders, and last week they looked like the aliens from Space Jam had stolen all their talent.
Yeah, I made a fucking Space Jam reference. That’s what this season is doing to me.
I honestly have no idea how to predict the outcome of this game, because neither team is predictable at this point. But, going by sheer talent involved, and the fact that New Orleans has to turn this thing around at some point… well, there’s no better time to do that than this week.
SAINTS
BMK: The Bucs beat the Steelers but there’s no way this team beats the Saints. Not when the Saints are at home and coming off a humiliating performance against the Cowboys.
I think it’s probably safe to pull the Saints out of the elite category, but even if they’re just very good, they’re still better than this Tampa Bay team. Yes, the Saints defense stinks more than Rob Ryan after getting the meat sweats at Fogo de Chao, but they should be able to handle the 31st ranked passing attack. At least I hope.
Crap. Now I want Fogo de Chao.
SAINTS
—–
TEXANS at COWBOYS
D.T.: A grudge match to move on from 3-1 and claim Texas supremacy (which I know is an oxymoron). I don’t trust the Cowboys’ win over New Orleans as a righting of the ship. It was a wild fluke against a team that has some serious issues to work out, and I think the best thing they have going for them is the running game. The Texans’ defense is too good, and if there’s one thing I can predict about this game with confidence, it’s Romo tossing some turnovers. Maybe even to JJ Watt, who at this point must be neck and neck in touchdowns with Megatron. I think the Texans surprise everyone with an upset and walk out of Dallas the victors.
And I end up killing someone after seeing this commercial twelve times before the half.
TEXANS
BMK: I’m giving it to the Cowboys this week. DeMarco Murray is running like crazy and Romo hasn’t been stupid lately. A great recipe for a win. Plus I hate that stupid JJ Watt commercial. It fills me with the hatred of a 1000 suns. Or maybe more like 992 suns, but the difference is negligible. Seriously, when you already got 992 suns, will 8 more make a difference? I don’t think so, but I’ll let history be the judge.
I need a job.
COWBOYS
—–
BILLS at LIONS
D.T.: The Bills are back in quarterback controversy with the decision to bench E.J. Manuel in favor of Kyle Orton. It’s not the most confidence-instilling decision, but the Bills passing game has been a bit of a joke this far, anyway. The Lions passing game is better, and could be fantastic if Megatron would get healthy, and the franchise would shift him back to relevance instead of decoy status. Overall, the Bills are at a precarious crossroads, and the Lions are the superior team. I expect them to hold down the fort in Detroit.
LIONS
BMK: I’m going with the Lions here. I like Stafford and Johnson at home. For those of you that don’t know, I’m referring to Calvin Johnson. I refuse to use that stupid nickname. Unlike my partner DT, who’ll fall for any nicknamed receiver.
LIONS
—–
RAVENS at COLTS
D.T.: The Colts are riding high at the moment, and as an unabashed Andrew Luck fan, I’m happy to see it. They were off to a terrible start, going 0-2 in the first couple of weeks, but they’ve looked dynamite in their last two outings. However, their defense will be starting an inexperienced safety in Sergio Brown (most known for special teams), with LaRon Landry having been suspended for four games. This leaves a real soft spot for the Ravens’ offense to exploit, and they’re capable of doing so. The Colts have historically walked over the Ravens, however, and I don’t see the Ravens stealing a win in Lucas Oil Stadium. If Luck can keep throwing the way he has, and the ball keeps getting fed to Ahmad Bradshaw over Trent Richardson…
Don’t make that face. You know you’re terrible.
…the offense should have no trouble securing the victory.
COLTS
BMK: I’m going with the Colts on this one. The Ravens and Colts, statistically, are fairly similar and Joe Flacco just irritates me. So I’m going with the home team.
COLTS
—–
STEELERS at JAGUARS
D.T.: It’s just a matter of time…
But, American would like to keep the blond in the front, if that’s okay.
STEELERS
—–
BMK: A pulsar (portmanteau of pulsating star) is a highly magnetized, rotating neutron star that emits a beam of electromagnetic radiation. This radiation can only be observed when the beam of emission is pointing toward the Earth, much the way a lighthouse can only be seen when the light is pointed in the direction of an observer, and is responsible for the pulsed appearance of emission. Neutron stars are very dense, and have short, regular rotational periods. This produces a very precise interval between pulses that range from roughly milliseconds to seconds for an individual pulsar.
The precise periods of pulsars make them useful tools. Observations of a pulsar in a binary neutron star system were used to indirectly confirm the existence of gravitational radiation. The first extrasolar planets were discovered around a pulsar, PSR B1257+12. Certain types of pulsars rival atomic clocks in their accuracy in keeping time.
STEELERS
This is the Game of the Week
Cardinals at Broncos
D.T.: Two teams I know very well, and a match-up I’ve been simultaneously excited for and dreading since the regular season schedule was announced. I’m born and raised in Arizona, so the Cardinals are my team. My family is a bunch of hardcore, Raider-Hater Broncos fans from Colorado. I own an equal number of jerseys from both teams (3), and if not for work deadlines, I’d be attending the game in Denver, getting rowdy with my cousins. I’m hoping for a great game (because the last thing I want to see is one of these teams get crushed), and for both squads to bring their A-games. Both teams are coming in rested from a bye, so we just might see an excellent match-up here, folks.
The Cardinals will be without Quarterback Carson Palmer, as a nerve injury he suffered in week one has suffered a major setback, and he’s unable to throw. Drew Stanton looked good in the two games he’s filled in, however, and he has one of the best receiver corps in the league to lean on. Backing him him on the ground is Andre Ellington, whose toughness in playing through a foot injury has been admirable, and hopefully his week off will have him back at full strength. Arizona’s offensive line should give them both ample time to make decisions, even in the face of Denver’s daunting secondary.
Denver put a lot of thought and money into their defense this past off-season, with the most notable acquisition being DeMarcus Ware, formerly of the Dallas Cowboys. They’ve put him to good use alongside Bronco veterans Von Miller and Derek Wolfe, and they’ve created a defensive backfield that’s frankly pretty scary. The Cardinals’ secondary has proven that even without Karlos Dansby, Daryl Washington and recently-injured Darnell Dockett, they’re still a force in the league. They’ve held fast to a 3-0 record, celebrating a win over Colin Kaepernick’s San Francisco offense before taking the week off. But let’s be honest: Kaepernick is no Peyton Manning.
With Wes Welker back in the folk, Manning has a lot of weapons at his disposal. Emmanuel Sanders, believed to be a stopgap of sorts in Welker’s absence, has proven himself much more, and has found himself a spot in regular rotation. The Cardinals defense will find themselves truly challenged in trying to cover Sanders, Deymarius Thomas, Wes Welker and a shining example of Arizona’s biggest weakness: covering Tight End Julius Thomas. Arizona will need all of their faculties, and key players like safety Tyrann Mathieu will need to play at an enhanced level to keep up. On the flip side, the back of the Broncos’ defense, lead by Cornerback Aqib Talib will be pushed to keep up with the quadruple threat of Larry Fitzgerald, speedster John Brown, Michael Floyd and Jaron Brown. Drew Stanton has shown a lot of proficiency in spreading the passes around, and the Arizona offense has become tricky to cover.
Arizona’s defense will be the key to this game, and Denver knows it. Their one big weakness these past couple of seasons has been NFC West defenses, and they’ve likely watched hours of game tape to formulate a plan. If the Arizona defense can maintain focus and fluidity, they have the ability to contain this game and allow the offense to do their part. But… fuck, man. It’s the Broncos.
Can I just have 60 minutes of this, instead?
BRONCOS
BMK: This is the ultimate test for Arizona. As an old time Cardinals fan (I wasn’t born there, but I did grow up there), I fully expect them to lose. But I want them to lose well. There would no shame in losing to Peyton Manning by a touchdown, especially considering all the losses Arizona has had on its defensive side this year. It would be disappointing, but not totally deflating. Anything more than a touchdown though…
Truth be told, this is not the Peyton Manning of yesteryear. As the Seahawks showed, he is beatable, and the fanboy in me wants to think that Arizona’s combination of guile, luck, and skill in the secondary can cause some havoc for Mr. Manning. But as my man DT pointed out above, Denver has plenty of weapons. Throw in the fact that Manning is one of the most cerebral quarterbacks to ever play the game, and it starts looking bad for the Cardinals in a hurry.
Of course, Arizona is not without offensive weapons. Arizona has two very good receivers in Floyd and Fitzgerald, at least two excellent ones after them (the Browns, Ginn). So if your Denver, who do you cover? Futher, Arizona has a decent tight end in Carlson, and Ellington is no slouch when it comes to catching the ball either. Stanton will have to get the ball out quickly (the Massie vs. Von Miller match-up doesn’t fill my heart with joy), and if he does, and doesn’t turn the ball over, this game might be more competitive than I’m expecting.
At the end of the day, I’m sure Denver will win. And when have I ever been wrong?
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at 49ERS
D.T.: The Chiefs enjoyed a stunning victory over the Patriots last week, in yet another example of unpredictability in the NFL. However, I think the 49ers are going to bounce back from their loss against the Eagles, and return to form with a victory at home. A no-doubt bitter return for Chiefs Quarterback Alex Smith, he’s likely eager to stick it to the team that let him go in favor of the younger, flashier, tattooier Colin Kaepernick. It was Kaepernick who showed Smith up during a stint on the injured list, and claimed his spot as the team’s starting passer (and subsequently lead the team to a Super Bowl). Smith brings with him star Running Back Jamaal Charles, who finally launched himself back into relevance, and the two of them have the opportunity to do some real damage. But, Kaep is going to want to prove that he’s the big dog to his bosses, even with San Francisco’s questionable atmosphere behind the scenes.
49ERS
BMK: A lot of experts (and DT – zing!) are picking the 49ers in this game. I think they’re right (THIS TIME!). But I would not be surprised if the Chiefs took it. Jamaal Charles is looking like a beast lately. And by that I mean he’s dressing like a furry.
I’m not sold on the 49ers at all. Now, true, I am a dyed-in-the-wool 49er hater, but how can you watch their first four games and think this team is elite? They still have a very good defense, but their offensive line is having problems and Vernon Davis is officially listed as Questionable. I’m going with the Chiefs here.
Incidentally, I read the ESPN profile on Jim Harbaugh. It says he lacks empathy, has trouble maintaining relationships with people, and needs to hate his opponent in order to beat them. Is it just me, or does that sound like the clinical definition of a sociopath?
CHIEFS
—–
JETS at CHARGERS
D.T.: Here’s the thing about the New York/San Diego game: The Jets have an absolutely stellar rushing defense, and the Chargers have virtually no running game at all. So, the Jets’ one strength and superiority over the Chargers is likely to not even be a factor, because Phillip Rivers is good enough to control this game in the air without having to resort to running the ball, except in first down situations or garbage time. The Chargers come into this with an advantage in nearly every aspect, and I don’t think they’ll have a terribly difficult time adding another mark in their win column.
CHARGERS
BMK: Bolo Tie boy will pass all over the Jets terrible secondary.
—–
BENGALS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Holy shit, what’s happened to the Patriots? They struggled to hold back the Oakland Raiders, and where absolutely stomped by the Chiefs last week. Brady has said he won’t think about retiring until he starts to suck, but what about switching to another team since the rest of his team sucks so badly? The Pats are going to be grossly outmatched by the Bengals, and this will be the Atlanta/Tampa Bay equivalent of week five. Expect Dalton, AJ Green and Gio Bernard to have themselves a day, and maybe expect Tom Brady to have himself a cry.
“If I played center, would they call them ‘ginger snaps’?”
—–
BMK: This week, the NFL world spent its collective time burying Tom Brady and the Patriots. It’s not entirely unjustified. But what I think we’re seeing here is reality crashing in on Belichick’s hubris. The Patriots have been doing very well for a long time without a roster of superior talent. Brady can usually overcome those problems, but what you’re seeing now is the result of Belichick believing he can win with anyone. That’s not the case, buddy. Anyway, since I’m a bandwagon guy, I’m going with the Ginger of Doom.
BENGALS
—
SEAHAWKS at REDSKINS
D.T.: I should be thankful to the NFL for how they’re scheduling these Monday night games, because there’s nothing worse than being hung over on a Tuesday. With these MNF match-ups, there’s been barely enough reason to watch, much less invest money in alcohol. At least the Seahawks are guaranteed to net me some major points in fantasy. Goodnight, everyone!
SEAHAWKS
BMK: The Seattle Seahawks beat Peyton Manning twice. Kirk Cousins is no Peyton Manning. Hell, he’s not even an Eli Manning at this point.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Please note, DT never sent me an updated gif of our scores through week four. I think it’s because I pulled ahead of him in the standings. So I took the liberty of making my own. Which I think kicks a whole lot of ass.
If you were to open up my mind, this is what you’d see. That and brains. Lots of brains. Cause I’m smart and shit.
This post was compiled and edited while listening to Spotify’s Deep Focus playlist. That and my superego telling me that I’m terrible. 😦
I Solved the NFL’s Playoff Problem (WARNING: SPORTS CONTENT!)
If you listen to sports talk radio, you’d know the biggest problem this nation faces is that a team from the NFC West will host a playoff game. In the 90 years the NFL has existed, no team with a losing record has ever hosted a playoff team and this is putting a lot of people’s panties in a bunch. Apparently, it’s too much to ask of the Saints to travel to Seattle or St. Louis to kick the shit out of the Seahawks or Rams before going on to another playoff game. Maybe these people are concerned that a 7-9 team might beat a 12-4 team and knock the 12-4 team out of the playoffs. To them I say if, for instance, the Saints can’t beat the Seahawks, do Saints deserve to be in the playoffs? This kind of thinking usually ends with me in a bar fight.
Anyway, because the people that write and talk about football are a calm, collected bunch, many are calling for the NFL to change its rules to prevent a team with a losing record from hosting a playoff game. An event that has not yet occurred, and if it did, would have occurred once in the 90 years of pro football in America.
Eli Manning does not like my plan
There are two popular proposals: 1) to not allow a division winner with a losing record into the playoffs or 2) to allow them in but reseed according to record. Frankly, both of those proposals suck. If you’re not going to allow a division winner in with a losing record, or if you’re going to reseed, with the current divisions intact, why have divisions at all? Just split the league in half, take the six best teams and be done with it.
Now, if the NFL wants to do away with divisions and take the six best in each conference, I’d be fine with that. It would take some realignment, but that’s totally cool with me. The current divisions in the NFL are retarded anyway, and they should be abolished.
And how would these new divisions be created? I’m glad you asked. Here’s my proposal.
Given where the teams are located, it doesn’t make sense to split the league into East and West divisions like basketball and hockey. It makes the most sense to divvy them up between the north and south. As an added benefit, since the best of the North and the best of the South will be fighting again, each year the Superbowl won’t just be another championship game, it will also be a metaphor for the Civil War. And who wouldn’t want to relive that experience through the majesty of sport?
After dividing between the north and south, the two conferences would be further subdivided into meaningless divisions, like in Basketball and Hockey. It would look something like this:
| Northern Conference | Southern Conference |
| North West Division | South West Division |
| Seattle | Oakland |
| Minneapolis | San Francisco |
| Green Bay | San Diego |
| Chicago | Arizona |
| Detroit | Denver |
| Indianapolis | Kansas City |
| Cincinnati | Dallas |
| Cleveland | Houston |
| North East Division | South East Division |
| Pittsburgh | St. Louis |
| Buffalo | New Orleans |
| New York Jets | Tennessee |
| New York Giants | Atlanta |
| New England | Carolina |
| Philadelphia | Jacksonville |
| Baltimore | Tampa Bay |
| Washington D.C. | Miami |
There will be some objections to the new alignment. I’m sure there are people who don’t like that I destroyed the whole NFC/ AFC thing. To them I say: get over it. The NFL and AFL merged back in the 1970. That was like, 40 years ago, man. Back then nobody lived past the age of 15 and the only place with in-door plumbing was New York City (and even then it was just a pipe that came out of your apartment and dumped your crap in the street). The AFL is dead, the NFL killed it, and it’s time we stopped dividing the league in an antiquated fashion.
Of course, this does away with some of the traditional “rivalry” games, like the Giants vs. the Eagles, Dolphins vs. the Jets, or Dallas Fans vs. Personal Hygiene (actually, that one will never go away). To that I say: who cares. Really, no one gives a damn. I know the NFL owners like saying they need these rivalry games for added revenue, that if the Browns don’t come to Cincinnati, the fans won’t show up, and then the owners will lose money.
That is, in a word, bullshit.
Seriously, it’s a dumb argument. Attendance, while down at some stadiums, is fairly steady across the league. In fact, it’s only a news event if an NFL team doesn’t have a sell-out game (e.g. Jacksonville), and quite a few teams have a long (in some cases at least a decade) waiting list for season tickets. So if some relic who used to watch the Pottsville Maroons play can ‘t handle the fact that the old rivalries are dead, let him leave and give some sad sack on the waiting list a chance to drop ten large for the privilege of watching an NFL game in-person. Honestly guys — change is good.
So there you have it. A plan for divisions that makes sense and prevents a division winner with a losing record. Plus, it reduces travel costs since most of the teams are near each other. Easy peesy, as they say.
Of course, if you still want meaningless divisions, I have a plan for you too. And frankly, this plan is long overdue.
As I mentioned above, the current divisions in the NFL are retarded. Why, for instance, is Dallas in the NFC East when A) Dallas is further west than St. Louis (a member of the NFC West), and B) the other members in the NFC East are, basically, in the North East of the country. I know, I know, tradition, right? Well screw tradition, it makes no damn sense.
So, here are the new divisions, as I see them. And because I think preserving the whole NFL/AFL divide 40 years after the merger is stupid, I did away with the NFC/AFC split. You now have eight divisions, divided into two arbitrary conferences.
| This Conference | That Conference |
| Marxist Division | Liberal Elites Division |
| Seattle | Buffalo |
| Oakland | New York Giants |
| San Francisco | New York Jets |
| San Diego | New England |
| Jesus Land Division | Crab Cake Division |
| Arizona | Philadelphia |
| Denver | Baltimore |
| Dallas | Washington D.C. |
| Houston | Carolina |
| Tundra Division | BBQ Division |
| Green Bay | Kansas City |
| Minneapolis | St. Louis |
| Chicago | Tennessee |
| Indianapolis | Atlanta |
| Rust Belt Division | Trailer Park Division |
| Pittsburgh | New Orleans |
| Detroit | Tampa Bay |
| Cincinnati | Jacksonville |
| Cleveland | Miami |
That’s much better, isn’t it? Now I can already hear some of you saying, “Hey, those division names are mean.” To you I say: you’re right.
See? Problem solved. Of course, it’s possible just to leave everything the way it is since everyone’s making money hand over fist in the NFL (seriously, even the beer guy pulls down at least a 1.5m a year), but that might be a rational reaction to a one-time event, and who wants that?
Monday Night Debacle
I’m not going to rehash the awful turd the Cardinals just shat on a national audience because I don’t do post-mortems. The season is over, the team has quit, and the sooner this terrible experience is over, the better. The only thing I hope for now is that the Cardinals lose every game from here on out and get the number one draft pick. A draft pick that should be used on a QB, but, knowing this team, will probably be used on a Safety.
I do want to comment on one thing though. A lot is being made out of Derek Anderson laughing on the sideline in the fourth quarter. During the broadcast, Jon Gruden (who, in my estimation Jaws, is one of the most annoying commentators in sports) chastised Anderson for appearing to have a good time on the sideline during the lopsided loss. He said he wanted Anderson to be bothered by the play of his team, and, to him it didn’t look like Anderson was sufficiently upset. These comments, broadcasted nationally, got the press’s attention, and reporters asked Anderson about Gruden’s comments after the game. Anderson got pissed off and left.
Now, as a Cardinals fan, I applaud Anderson’s fire during the press conference. Maybe next week he can picture Gruden during the game and play better. Or, at least with a little intensity. However, I think Gruden is making a big deal out of nothing, Jaws.
If you watch the video from the Monday night game, yes, you see Anderson laughing weakly and smiling. But that’s not all. You also see Anderson hang his head and look at the ground with his shoulders slumped. What does that body language tell you, Jaws? Clearly Anderson is upset. Most people who are having a good time don’t hang their heads and avoid eye-contact, Jaws.
Yeah, this guy looks like he's having a great time, Jaws.
Anyway, this begs the question: what does Gruden want from Anderson? Anderson, as the QB, has to inspire confidence in the other players. If he cannot do that (and I’m not saying he can), then he shouldn’t be in the position. Now what will inspire confidence in a blow-out like that? Does Gruden think Anderson will inspire the team running around, foaming at the mouth, and screaming his fool head off? Will that help the team play better? To see their QB acting like a lunatic? Or, does Gruden want Anderson to be morose and down, acting defeated. Yeah, that’ll help inspire his teammates, Jaws.
Look Gruden, criticize his play, his accuracy, or his penchant for throwing 10 yards over a receiver, but leave the guy alone when it comes to his sideline demeanor. Especially when there are plenty of examples of him acting pissed off when he misses a receiver or throws an interception. I know — I’ve seen him do that a lot this season, Jaws.
It’s Never too Early to go to Doucet
This morning while driving around, I heard Mike and Mike on ESPN radio dissecting the AZ Cardinals upcoming season. It was a mostly fair assessment, with both guys agreeing on a 8-8 record for the 2010-2011 season. I think that’s a reasonable conclusion, considering the amount of questions the Cardinals have going into this season. In fact, I could see as bad as 4-12. But I digress…
One thing that did stick in my craw was Golic’s assessment of WR Early Doucet. Doucet is expected fill in for Anquan Boldin as a tough receiver that goes across the middle. Golic doesn’t buy that — at least not yet. He said that Doucet’s 31 receptions his first two years in the league were not a good sign, considering that Boldin had 157 catches his first two years in the league. However, that is not a fair comparison.
Doucet, after his amazing reception for a touch down in the nutty playoff game against the Packers
When Boldin was drafted by Arizona in 2003, Arizona had the following WRs on its roster:
- Larry Foster
- Bryan Gilmore
- Bryant Johnson
- Kevin Kasper
- Jason McAddley
- Nate Poole
Recognize any of those names? Me neither. And I’ve been following the Cardinals since 1993.
In Boldin’s first game against Detroit, he had 187 yards receiving. That shocked the Cardinals and their fan base. It became pretty clear over the next few weeks that this guy was something special. So he became the focus of the passing attack, which is why he had 157 receptions in his first two years.
Now, when Doucet came aboard in 2008, Arizona had the following WRs on its roster:
- Larry Fitzgerald
- Anquan Boldin
- Steve Breaston
- Jerheme Urban
- Ed Gant
- Michael Ray Garvin
- Onrea Jones
- Lance Long
- Sean Morey
- Steve Sanders
You see the difference? Arizona had two of the best WRs in the league (and Fitzgerald might be one of the best ever), and Steve Breaston was no slouch either. This was the year that Arizona had three 1000+ yard WRs on its roster. In that kind of situation, a rookie WR won’t be anywhere near the ball (if memory serves, Doucet was 5th on the depth chart, just after Jerheme Urban). The year after, Doucet moved up, but Arizona still had Fitz, Boldin and Breaston catching the ball. It would be hard for anyone new to compete with those three.
It’s not a fair to Doucet to draw a conclusion about his abilities by comparing Boldin’s first two years to Doucet’s. The situation on the team was wildly different when Boldin came aboard to when Doucet did. Golic may still be right in his ultimate analysis (that Doucet will not be a suitable replacement for Boldin), but how he got there, I think, is wrong.
Ruminations, etc.. 