Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: Well folks, the time for sugary sprinklings over harsh realities has come and gone with the holiday. I won’t candy-coat it for you: we’ve got a LOT of games this week that simply don’t mean a thing.

It’s been a strange season, and if you weren’t a gambling man before, then becoming one halfway through the 2015 NFL season would not have been a bad place to start. We’ve had some wacky-ass games here and there, but the playoff picture has been pretty well solidified as far back as the human eye can see. We’ve got a lot of games between eliminated teams and playoff-berth teams resting starters against eliminated teams that should probably just play down for draft picks.

 

BMK: Strange indeed, DT. If by strange you mean oddly dull.

We’ll do a season wrap-up next week, but the 2015 NFL season has lacked a lot of normal drama. There is almost no middle-class in football this year, which renders a lot of the games meaningless. Or maybe I’m just getting older and it takes a lot more to excite me. Personally, I blame The Dark Knight Returns.

On to the picks!

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CHARGERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: For a match-up between two teams who barely stood a chance at the beginning of the season, and faded out with little fanfare, this game turned out to be pretty wacky. The one guy I know who cares about Oakland was on the edge of his seat all night. I expected the Raiders to win, but I didn’t expect such an oddly entertaining game.

RAIDERS

BMK: Oakland is an up and coming team. They’re not ready to take the next step yet, and they may never actually take that step, but of the two teams here in the Bay Area, they’re clearly trending the right way. Now if they can send Mark Davis back to his home on the Island of Misfit toys the team can really go somewhere. Maybe Goddell can force a sale…since Mark is stinkin’ up the joint around here.

RAIDERS

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REDSKINS at EAGLES

D.T.: If Washington wins, they clinch the NFC East at 8-7, and the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs. The fact that either of these teams are still in the running makes as much sense as the symmetry of Bradley Cooper’s face.

 

The ‘Skins will win and evil will prevail in the form of their front office.

REDSKINS

BMK: Ugh. How did it come to this?  Why are the Redskins going to win this division?  Why couldn’t the Giants not suck?

I heard a statistic that blew my mind. If the games were 75 seconds shorter, the Giants would be 10-4.  That kind of thing makes me a sad panda.

REDSKINS

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NINERS at LIONS

D.T.: I won’t bore you. Both of these teams are eliminated, and the Niners desperately need draft picks.

LIONS

BMK: People up here are making bets on which team will have fewer losses, the 49ers or the Warriors. Smart money’s on the Warriors.

LIONS

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STEELERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done, and the Steelers are looking to catch up to a vulnerable Bengals squad. You see where I’m going with this.

 

STEELERS

BMK: Is Joe Flacco elite? No. No he’s not. But he’s a damn sight better than McCarron.

STEELERS

PS: I realized that AJ McCarron isn’t the QB for the Ravens this week. I got the Ravens and the Bengals confused. Oh well.

I’m keeping that up there since it’s true.

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COWBOYS at BILLS

D.T.: Even fans of both teams have stopped caring.

…BILLS, I guess.

BMK: Their fans may have stopped caring, but we NEVER WILL!

Who am I kidding…

BILLS

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BEARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: This week is like the green bean casserole you ate on Friday: it looks like it’s substantial with some sort of value and worth, but it’s really just hollow calories and it doesn’t even taste good.

BEARS

BMK: GBC is disgusting the and people that enjoy it molest collies.  It’s science.

BEARS

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COLTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Colts are going to roll out Hasselbeck on a stretcher, and what’s left of their running backs are going to take turns propping him up to catch snaps. Dolphins, if you really want a late-season win for pride or morale or whatever, I guess this is your chance. I’d really take a look at that draft situation in April though… choose wisely.

 

 

DOLPHINS

BMK: For me, the best part of watching the Dolphins season was seeing how completely ineffectual Suh was this year. This is why spending money on marquee free agents is almost never a good idea.

That said, they’ll still beat the Colts.

DOLPHINS

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PATRIOTS at JETS

D.T.: The Pats have already secured the division and a first round week off. Jets are a stepping stone towards securing the #1 seed in the AFC.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I’d like the Jets to win. Brandon Marshall seems like a good fellow and I’d like to see him get into the playoffs. But I just don’t seem them winning this week.

PATRIOTS

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TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: Good lord, the Texans haven’t been eliminated yet? Well, march on to that winning record, you pitied souls.

TEXANS

BMK: The Texans are the Toyota Tercels of the NFL. But the Titans are the Geo Metros.

TEXANS

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BROWNS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Looks like the Browns are going to finish the season with three wins, Mike Pettine is getting canned, and… yeah, two Browns players were arrested on Christmas fucking Morning. Someone move that accursed team to another city so they can win a Super Bowl in five years.

CHIEFS

BMK: Thank God they moved up to pick Manziel in the draft. His steady leadership at the QB position has turned the Browns around. Finally, a bright spot that Clevelanders can look to during their dark and miserable winter.

Ugh. The only people watching this game are degenerate gamblers and convicts seeking parole.

CHIEFS

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JAGUARS at SAINTS

D.T.: An awful twist of the knife at the end of an awful season would see a Jaguars victory over the Saints in the Superdome. With Brees possibly out due to a torn plantar fascia (is that going to become the new ACL?), it looks like that might be the case…

JAGUARS

BMK: Two titans of the south battling for dominance! No, I’m not talking about heart disease and diabetes! I’m talking about the Saints and Jaguars!

JAGUARS/DIABETES

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PACKERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals found themselves the NFC West Champions this year, after a staggering win against Philadelphia. However, in true Arizona fashion, they did so at the cost of a star defensive player. Tyrann Mathieu, in a garbage time play for an interception, tore his ACL again and will be out until next year. Whether or not his absence will be strongly felt against that on-again-off-again Packers offense remains to be seen. The Cardinals are a great home team this year though, and I expect them to keep the win streak alive on Sunday.

 

 

CARDINALS

 

BMK: I’m still sick about losing the honey badger for the year. This game will be a major test for the AZ defense, as Rodgers is still a dangerous QB, and Eddie Lacey is a talented running back. I think the Cardinals take it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if GB pulls it out.

CARDINALS

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RAMS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Rams are eliminated, and in unspectacular fashion. I still expect this game to be a grudge match though, as this division is fierce and these teams really don’t like each other. There’s nothing worse in this sport than seeing someone go down with injury (besides seeing the Steelers win a Super Bowl), but I fully expect the Rams to take at least one or two ‘Hawks down with them in a brutal loss.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: All I want for Christmas is the Rams to beat the Seahawks. But I’m not going to get that.

SEAHAWKS

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GIANTS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Odell Beckham, Jr.’s childish antics with Josh Norman last week see him likely sitting out this week with a one-game suspension. I can’t tell if those two hate each other, or secretly want to fuck.

That leaves Eli with little in the way of clutch play-making, and that’s bad news for a team still clinging to hope. On the flip side, the Teddy Bridgewatwer played incredibly well against the Bears last week (and that Giants secondary is soft as hell), but the Vikings are complete shit in the pressure that prime-time games bring. This one will be close, I think, but I’ll give it to the Vikings, and a sad end to the Giants season.

VIKINGS

BMK: The Giants are done, like your Aunt Millie’s marriage. Get over it. She did.

VIKINGS

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BENGALS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Did you guys know that the last Alabama quarterback to win an NFL game before AJ McCarron was in 1987? Jesus Christ, why would anyone want to play football there?

 

 

 

Still, the first Alabama quarterback to win a pro game in nearly 30 years is coming up against what is still the number one defense in the league. And he’s still really green, with too much riding on this game in the way of a first-round bye. I’m torn, here. I don’t want to see the Broncos take a loss, but I don’t want to see the Steelers close the gap on the Bengals. So, I’ll let the Bengals wait until next week to clinch their division, and give the win to Denver.

BRONCOS

BMK: Why would anyone want to live in Alabama, let alone play football there? At least Georgia has Atlanta, which is a fairly cosmopolitan city. What does Alabama have? Birmingham? Eh…hard pass.

BRONCOS

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D.T.: Next week is it, folks. Tune in for the exciting conclusion of 4th and Krol — same Krol time, same Krol channel!

 

BMK: Thanks for reading! We’ll do something special to mark the end of the season next week.  Or maybe we won’t! You just never know around here!

And now, your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

This post was written and compiled listening to the Dillinger Escape Plan and my brain screaming, “HEY IDIOT, THE GAMES ARE ON IN HALF AN HOUR!”