Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

THUD Football Picks Week 6

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Week 5

Week 6

 

D.T.: It was a righting of the ship for a lot of teams in Week 5. The league’s top three quarterbacks were in need of making a statement, and they each did in hard-hitting fashion. Aaron Rodgers and his Green Bay Packers trounced their rival Vikings in a shockingly one-sided victory (due in part to Christian Ponder’s magnificent return as starting Minnesota Quarterback), the Broncos nearly murdered half of Arizona’s defense in a game that marked Peyton Manning’s 500th career touchdown pass, and Tom Brady’s friends all got together and threw him a party to make him feel better about himself.

The after-party got a little weird.

The after-party got a little weird.

 

 

 

The good times should continue to roll for all three victorious teams, and teams that were left smarting in week five should find themselves a pick-me-up in their week six match-ups.

 

BMK: To be frank, this week’s slate of matchups suck. Even the degenerate gamblers are taking this week off. I mean really, does anyone care about the Jags/Titans matchup? Oh, that Broncos/Jets game ought to be a real barn burner.  The Chargers/Raiders game is on? Sweet. Do you have any yard work that needs to be done?

This Sunday, go outside. Visit a friend. Start that self-portrait you’ve always wanted to paint. There is nothing compelling happening this weekend at all. Seriously kids, take this week off. I know I did.

—–

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: The Texans are doing so well that even Tony Romo’s feelings were hurt last week, and you’d think that guy would have developed thicker skin by now. I predicted last week that the Texans would win, and I wasn’t far off. This week, however, they’re going up against a superior Indianapolis team that might even have a better secondary.

 

 

Don't get all defensive, J.J. Heh - defensive. Get it?

Don’t get all defensive, J.J. Heh – defensive. Get it?

Luck needs to keep the turnovers in check, and outrun Watt. If he can do that, it shouldn’t be a terribly difficult trip into Houston.

COLTS

 

BMK: The Colts QB will be Lucky to get past the Texans high Wattage defense. Still, this should be a victory. But if the Colts lose, the head coach might be Pagano!

Seriously Fleed, how do you do this each post?

COLTS

—–

STEELERS  at BROWNS

D.T.: Again? Doesn’t it feel like these two teams have already played each other five times? Frankly, I’m looking forward to week twelve, when I don’t have to work to come up with something interesting to say about Pittsburgh. They’re the better team here — Le’Veon Bell is nigh unstoppable, and Cheeseburger’s chemistry with Antonio Brown has been off the charts.

 

 

Google told me that was the correct spelling for Roethlisberger. Who am I to argue?

Google told me that was the correct spelling for Roethlisberger. Who am I to argue?

I expect the momentum Pittsburgh has going now will make this rematch quite a bit different (and with a larger difference in points) this time around.

STEELERS

 

BMK: There are two things in this life you should never do. The first is go ass-to-mouth, and the second is pick the Browns to beat the Steelers.

STEELERS

—–

PATRIOTS at BILLS

D.T.: The Bills deserved their win in week five more than the Lions deserved their loss. Even with their quarterback woes, the Bills still continue to march and prove themselves distanced and improved from their last few seasons. They play like a team that’s been given a second chance, and none more so than Fred Jackson, who just will not slow down. That said, the Patriots have renewed their determination, and if they can keep a hold of what brought them a huge win over the previously-undefeated Bengals, it might be a painful game to watch for anyone not wearing clothing featuring the Flying Elvis Head.

 

One might even say Tom Brady will get a high five two weeks in a row. But one might be getting ahead of himself.

One might even say Tom Brady will get a high five two weeks in a row. But one might be getting ahead of himself.

 

PATRIOTS

 

BMK: I’m not fully sold on the Patriots, but I like them enough to beat the Bills.

Oh, and anyone who thinks Tom Brady is going to play for any other team than the Patriots is crazy. Brady aint going anywhere.  You can take that shit to the BANK! I know I did, and it went something like this…

Me: Brady’s not going anywhere, lady.

Teller: That might be true, but you’re still over drawn by 1.92

Me: Oh. Gimme all your money!

Teller: Sir, that’s a banana.

 

PATRIOTS
—–

PANTHERS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Panthers bounced back with a victory over the Bears last week, and Cincinnati’s loss to New England was a bad one – but not one that will necessarily throw off their rhythm. They’re very difficult to beat at home, and both their passing and rushing games are superior, which may leave Carolina’s struggling defense at a loss. Cam seems to be coming back into form though, and if they can keep the turnovers in check (and throw for the open receiver and not the playbook), this could turn out to be a fun Cat Game. I see the Bengals defending their home turf, though even without A.J. Green and Marvin Jones. Mohamed Sanu has proved he’s capable of filling in.

BENGALS

 

BMK: The Bengals are missing their playmaking receiver AJ Green, but they should still beat the Panthers at home handily. Especially since the Panthers brass are being careful with Newton. And why wouldn’t they be?  He’s a precious little jewel.

BENGALS

—–

JAGUARS at TITANS

D.T.:

 

Stop me if these jokes get old. Which will be never.

Stop me if these jokes get old. Which will be never.

TITANS

BMK: The Mops-Orden, or Order of the Pug was a para-Masonic society founded by Roman Catholics. It is believed that it was founded in 1740 by Klemens August of Bavaria to bypass the papal bull Eminenti Apostolatus Specula of 1738. The constitution of the Order of the Pug allowed women to become members, as long as they were Catholic. The pug was chosen as a symbol of loyalty, trustworthiness and steadiness.

Members called themselves Mops (the German for Pug), novices were initiated wearing a dog collar and had to scratch at the door to get in. The novices were blindfolded and led around a carpet with symbols on it nine times while the Pugs of the Order barked loudly to test the steadiness of the newcomers. During the initiation, the novices also had to kiss a Pug’s (porcelain) backside under its tail as an expression of total devotion. Members of the Order carried a Pug medallion made of silver. In 1745, the secrets of the order were “exposed” in a book published in Amsterdam with the title L’ordre des Franc-Maçons trahi et le Secret des Mopses révélé which included the ritual and two engravings illustrating their rite.

TITANS

—–

PACKERS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Packers set the world on fire last week, and the Dolphins enjoyed a leisurely week after their quiet, uneventful trip to London. In a season where bye weeks are quickly amounting to shit versus advantage due to rest, I expect the Dolphins, with their hindered running game and serviceable passing game to be stomped over by a Green Bay team with a renewed sense of purpose.

 

 

"Holy shit, did you guys know I could do this? I totally forgot!"

“Holy shit, did you guys know I could do this? I totally forgot!”

Aaron Rodgers is bouncing back into the NFC North-dominating force we all expected him to be at the start of the season, and the rest of the team is following suit. I feel bad for the Dolphins, who are likely to come into this game soft after an easy win against Oakland, and a week of drinking shitty beer and eating food that can only be described as “grey”.

PACKERS

BMK: The Packers are going to pack the fish into…

Oh Jesus, I just can’t. Even I have limits.

PACKERS

—–

LIONS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Yet another NFC North match-up. Last week, the Lions were narrowly defeated by the Bills in what many would consider an upset, if you fail to consider that the Lions’ run game is shot, and the team still insists on rolling an injured Calvin Johnson onto the field as a “decoy”. Seriously, the guy only caught one pass last week and he was re-injured doing it. He’s likely be be riding pine against the Vikings this week. Not only that, but Running Back Jike Bell… er, Joy-kay… er…

 

 

Bjor-que Bell?

Bjor-que Bell?

 

Whatever his name is will likely be out, due to a concussion. This is the Vikings chance to bounce back after their embarrassment against the Packers last week. And given that Teddy Bridgewater is very likely to return, and the team seems to rally around him, I’m willing to bet that’s what they do.

VIKINGS

BMK: The Vikings QB situation looks to become a bridge over troubled waters since Bridgewater is playing this week. Still, I like the Lions in this one.

Well what do you know?  I guess I don’t have any limits after all…

LIONS

—–

BRONCOS at JETS

D.T.: As I mentioned, the Broncos could have ended the careers of more than one Cardinals defender last week, and against a Jets secondary that let the Chargers run game (of all terrible, awful run games) walk all over them last week, I expect some flat out deaths to occur on in New Jersey. The only thing saving Rex Ryan from being chased out of the stadium with pitch forks and torches is the fact that no one expects the Jets to win, anyway.

BMK:

Pictured: Jets secondary after the Broncos game.

Pictured: Jets secondary after the Broncos game.

 

BRONCOS

—–

RAVENS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: This isn’t a good week for football. Torrey Smith is projected to be a fantasy stud against the Buccaneers. Torrey Smith.

 

Not to be confused with Wayne Brady or the Black Power Ranger.

Not to be confused with Wayne Brady or the Black Power Ranger.

RAVENS

BMK: Another yucko match up this week. Maybe the yard needs mowing…

RAVENS

—–

CHARGERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Holy shit. Last week, I gave the Raiders the benefit of the doubt in unusual circumstances against the Dolphins, and they managed to turn themselves into an international embarrassment, instead of merely the US National Treasure they are. While San Fransisco fans are fighting each other in Levi Stadium bathrooms when their team wins, I can’t imagine Raiders fans can so much as find the enthusiasm to put on their mascara. Felipe Rios will wash over Oakland, effortlessly.

CHARGERS

BMK: There are a few things in this life I’m certain of. One, creamed corn is disgusting. Two, House of Prime Rib in San Francisco will NOT honor your reservations if you’re not wearing pants (no matter how cute your bikini briefs are), and three, that there is no way that the Raiders will beat the Chargers.

PS: If you know you’re coming to San Francisco, get reservations and eat at the House of Prime Rib.  It’s awesome. AND TELL ‘EM BRYAN KROL SENT YA!

How can you resist this?

How can you resist this?

CHARGERS

—–

BEARS at FALCONS

Game of the week...I guess...

Game of the week…I guess…

D.T.: I think this game has real potential, because it has the chance to be the most explosive of the week. Both of these teams have been on a crazy roller coaster ride, and both are due for a ramp-up. If both of these teams end up on the upswing after their recent two-loss streaks, we could be in for a really fun game.

The Bears were starting to look like a revelation in the NFC North: a team with a decent offense and a defense capable of embarrassing the Niners? Unheard of, in their division. Alas, it was too good to be true, and no one really knows where their defense found the fire fire that night, or where it’s gone since. Cutler is quietly having an excellent season, even with the lack of connections with star Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall, and has boosted Martellus Wallace into top TE status. Matt Ryan, on their good nights, is finding Julio Jones with fantastic results, and Devin Hester has made a big splash. But both teams are capable of disappointing losses and sloppy play, however. Neither of these teams have made much sense, and given that they’re both driven by decent offenses and terrible defenses, it could go either way.

A fluke turnover could easily decide the outcome, or the clock could simply run out before the next offense up has a chance to score. The Bears are a good road team, and the Falcons are best at home. The conflicting facts and statistics pile up, and that’s what makes this game interesting. Ultimately, I think the Bears are probably more hungry to turn things around, and I think they’ve got the stronger potential to do so. If plans to give Brandon Marshall more touches comes to fruition, combined with spreading the ball around and protecting Matt Forte on the rush, the Bears can take this. Krol?

BEARS

BMK: This game, DT?  THIS game? I mean, sure, it’s interesting, but is either team going to win their division?  Maybe Atlanta, but they’ll probably win it by default.  The Bears?  Who knows? The NFC North seems to be equally mediocre.  Anyway, this game has some potential for some weird drama (like will Roddy White tweet something exceptionally stupid or just ordinary stupid), but I’m not sure the outcome of this game is of interest to anyone outside of Atlanta or Chicago. And who cares what people in Chicago think.  Have you seen what they put on hot dogs out there?  It’s a goddamn disgrace.

Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that the Falcons are going to get mauled by the Bears. Oh sure, Matty Ice will try and protect his nest, but then a giant bear will come take a crap in it. And then he’ll have to go play a whole football game.  Wakka wakka.

BEARS

—–

COWBOYS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Seattle looked sloppy in Washington, and the Cowboys have looked better in the last couple of games than they have in the last couple of years. DeMarco Murray has been an absolute stud of a Running Back, and Romo has turned things around nicely since the ‘Boys suffered their week one loss to the 49ers. However, Russell Wilson continues to be remarkable, and if I were a Dallas defensive back, I’d simply get the fuck out of Marshawn Lynch’s way. I think the two of them will go to town on the Cowboys’ secondary, and the Dallas offense will struggle in the hostile environment of CenturyLink Stadium. Still, expect the Cowboys to score a few, since all they really need to do is line up Dez Bryant on the other side of the field from Richard Sherman. Can’t wait to see the twitter war those two engage in on Monday.

 

I spent way too long making this.

I spent way too long making this.

SEAHAWKS

 

BMK: A lot of people are coming around on the Cowboys this season.  I think that’s due to the bigotry of soft expectations.  Everyone assumed that they, and the entire NFC East, would suck.   However, there are some good doings a –happenin’ in Dallas (EVERYONE’S talking about a girl named Debbie…).  But I trust Seattle’s defense more than I trust Tony Romo. Despite his sweet sweet ribs.

 

Oh...Tony ROMA's...oops.

Oh…Tony ROMA’s…oops.

SEAHAWKS

—–

REDSKINS at CARDINALS

D.T.: It’s probably still too early to make a call on this one. The Cardinals currently have no idea who their quarterback will be, and their defense is largely in question, due to injuries sustained against the Broncos last week. Logan Thomas showed a flash of greatness with that touchdown pass to Andre Ellington, but he’s nowhere near ready to start as an NFL quarterback, even if it’s against the Redskins. The team has to hope that Drew Stanton clears his concussion protocol, or that by some miracle, Carson Palmer is able to return. The Redskins, on the other hand, are still vulnerable against the still-standing members of the Cardinals secondary, and the Washington defense will have to content with Andre Ellington, who marched against the insane Denver defense, and will likely lead the offense this week. This will be a very low-scoring game, and the Cardinals will be looking to make a statement here at home that they’re down, but not out.

CARDINALS

BMK: Ugh.  What an ugly match-up.  If Carson Palmer plays, then the Cardinals should win. And they’ll have to win in a shoot-out since their front seven on defense are all 2nd string (or worse) guys.  If it’s Logan Thomas, the Cardinals should lose.

I guess I’ll just continue picking against them…

REDSKINS

—–

GIANTS at EAGLES

Call me crazy, I’m picking the Giants. Eli is kinda, sorta, almost maybe getting his offense back on track and averaging 35 points over the last few games. The Eagles defense is currently scoring more points than their own offense. That alone gives me pause and makes me think that maybe the exciting story the Eagles began writing in the beginning of the season is taking a dark turn. And who the hell knows what’s going on with LeSean McCoy right now. The Eagles better be careful, or they could find themselves turning into a hot mess.

GIANTS

BMK: The Eagles will have their wings clipped this week.  Ha! Get it?

Yeah, I hate me too.

GIANTS

—–

49ERS at RAMS

D.T.: It doesn’t seem like anyone really cares about this game, since tickets are going for ten fucking dollars. But, you know what?

I care.

I care.

Anyone not paying enough attention might write off the Rams in this game, but they’ve always given the 49ers trouble. In fact, the 49ers are 1-3 in their last four visits to Saint Louis. If the Rams can play solid defense, not shit the bed should they happen to find themselves in the lead, and put rumors of relocation to LA in the back of their heads, they could turn that statistic into 1-4. And wouldn’t that be a fantastic thing to see in the NFC West? The Niners are vulnerable, but it’s going to take determination and focus to pull a win.

RAMS

BMK: Thug-Lite Kaepernick will keep his Victory train rolling this week with a visit to St. Louis.

49ers

 

Current Record

I liked my picture last week better…

 

This post was edited and compiled while listening to the first two Clash records.  And you know what?  I still don’t like them.
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Written by B. Michael Krol

October 10, 2014 at 4:59 pm

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