Ruminations, etc..

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Week 2 Football Picks for CHUD. Sort of…

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D.T.: Week One of the 2014 NFL season is now in the books. Like Jacksonville’s head-scratching pull head in the first half of their match-up with Philly, or Knowshon Moreno making Tom Brady cry into his towel, parts of the week left us amazed, thrilled and reminded us why we fight to survive the seven months of off-season. Other parts of the first week surprised no one at all, like Roger Goodell revealing yet again how incompetent he is. It’s going to be a weird, exciting, unpredictable season and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

B.Michael: Yeah, pretty much.  The one thing I’ll add is the patented NFL overreaction is happening on schedule.  No one should be surprised that that Seattle beat Green Bay, or that the 49ers beat Dallas.  Defense has never been Green Bay’s strength and what they’re really good at – throwing the ball like crazy – is nullified by Seattle’s lock-down secondary. Seattle winning does not mean they’ll repeat this year.  Same applies to the 49ers.  They beat Dallas, who will likely have one of, if not the, worst defenses in the league.  Everyone needs to calm down.

Except the fans in Pittsburgh.  Apparently they hanged Manziel in effigy before the Browns/Steelers game.   That’s awesome.   I’ve never been prouder to be a former resident of Pittsburgh.


 

STEELERS AT RAVENS

D.T.: The Steelers head out to Baltimore for their second divisional rival game in as many weeks. They nearly blew it last week against Cleveland, letting Hoyer command the Browns towards closing the 24 point gap they created at half time, and quell demands for Manziel’s debut. Rothlisberger looked sharp, and showed he’s still able to put it in the hole from deep. Just keep it consensual and of age, Ben. I see the Steelers coming in hungry for that first win, and the Ravens continuing to be distracted by the controversy plaguing their locker room.

Referring, of course, to Poe's racy leaked selfies.

Referring, of course, to Poe’s racy leaked selfies.

STEELERS
BMK:  I’m not sold on Pittsburgh yet.  That said, I the Ravens are coming off of a short week and, um, a lot of other distractions.  So I’m going with Pittsburgh too.

PS: If any of the Ravens players claim they’re playing this one for Janay, I’m taking a shotgun to the nearest road sign.

STEELERS

—-

DOLPHINS AT BILLS

D.T.: Both teams surprised everyone last week, defeating their favored opponents, and the latter pissing off 80% of survivor pool players. Tom Brady out-threw Ryan Tannehill in every area except the one that counts most, while Knowshon Moreno was a revelation, showing no fear as he marched through enemy territory. In Chicago, Running Back Fred Jackson was the hero as he stomped his way to the one yard line, and allowed for a game-winning field goal that left Bills fans with more hope than they’ve had in ages. I see the Dolphins capitalizing more on their week one victory, and riding high in a second against against the Bills

DOLPHINS

BMK: Finally these two powerhouses from the AFC East square off.  I predict it’ll be bigger than the Rumble in the Jungle, World War 2,  and New Coke combined.  It’ll also be a victory for Buffalo, since I trust the Bills defense more than Miami’s offense.  Sorry DT — YOU’RE GOING DOWN!

BILLS
—–

JAGUARS AT REDSKINS

D.T.: The Redskins came into week one even more of a mess than most expected. Like I predicted, all Houston really needed to do was what they do best, and contain Washington’s failing offense long enough for the clock to tick down. The Jaguars showed a strangely-high level of confidence in the first half of their game against the Eagles, but were quickly stomped in a second-half rally and shut-out. Call me crazy, but if the Jaguars can do what they did in that first half against a team not nearly as capable of rallying, they could take it. I’m taking the risky pick and going with Jax.

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m with you picking the Jaguars here.  I, like most thinking people, was impressed with what they did against the Eagles.   I don’t think Washington has it in them to rally if they get behind.  My guess is that they will, and RGIII’s post-game Subway Sub will be eaten fresh…fresh with his tears.

JAGUARS

—–

COWBOYS AT TITANS

D.T.: Yet another shocker, as the Titans took down an unfocused Alex Smith and strangely absent Jamaal Charles. Was it the Titans’ game to win, or the Chiefs’ to lose? Either way, I expect the Tennessee offense who had little trouble dismantling the highly-favored Kansas City defense holding down the fort and doing the same thing to a nearly non-existent secondary visiting from Dallas. Maybe we’ll get to see another Dez Bryant meltdown.

You kinda feel sorry for them...

You kinda feel sorry for them…

...and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.

…and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.

TITANS

BMK: Ugh, the Cowboys.  Despite how bad they are, they might actually be the second best team in the NFC East.  Hopefully Romo will get over his desire to throw passes to the other team’s defensive players, but I doubt it. With their defense being a complete mess they’ll get behind early and then Romo will start throwing passes like underwear at a Ted Nugent concert: off-target and reeking of desperation.

Yeah, I don’t get it either, but I you to think of the Nuge and reeking old lady underwear.  So there’s that.

TITANS

CARDINALS AT GIANTS

D.T.: Is it still considered a homer pick if there’s very little chance of your team losing? The Lions had the Giants defeated and discouraged in the 1st quarter of their week one meeting, and I just don’t think New York has an answer for what Arizona will bring. Yes, we got lucky with a one point win on Monday night, but our defense held steady against a Chargers team being called a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but Carson Palmer looked creative and inventive (two things we haven’t been able to call Eli Manning in a long time), throwing to 11 different receivers — and all of them on his team!

CARDINALS

BMK: I was at that game and I saw a lot to like about the Cardinals.  But I am very concerned about their defensive front seven and Eli Manning has a habit of winning when he shouldn’t.  Plus this game is on the east coast, where is has been habitually difficult for west coast teams to win.

As we established last week, God hates me.  I want to pick the Cards but this has trap game written all over it.  I’m taking the Giants.

GIANTS

—–

PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS

D.T.: The Patriots are coming to Minnesota with the sting of losing a season opener to a divisional rival. The Vikings invite them in after completely blowing out a broken St. Louis squad. I say the anger of being embarrassed outweighs the satisfaction and drive from stomping out a hurting team. Patriots will double their efforts and secure a 1-1 record in week 2. And I think Gronk will live to fight another day.

PATRIOTS

BMK: Week 1’s result was embarrassing for our heroes Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. I have it on good authority Tom cried himself to sleep last Sunday night…on a bed stuffed with Clevelands and being comforted by a supermodel.  In short, being Tom Brady doesn’t suck, but we knew that.

This week Belichick and Brady will come up with a way to ice the Vikings.  I believe in Belichick.  But I also believed in Harvey Dent, sooo…

PATRIOTS

—–

SAINTS AT BROWNS

D.T.: Both teams came out of the first week with narrow losses in their division, and left both teams with the lowest defense rankings in the league. Both will be looking to prove a point, and one of them has a serious shot of looking absolutely foolish in the process. The Saints offense outranks the Browns in every way (at least until Josh Gordon is probably, maybe, most likely reinstated and can give up his career as a car salesman), and I expect them to dish out the sort of victory we grew accustomed to seeing from them in 2013. The Brows are a scrappy team, and coming from nothing with something big to prove. I kind of hope they do (and I hope Hoyer can keep demands for Manziel at bay), but I don’t think they’ll start to do that until week 3.

They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.

They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.

SAINTS

BMK: The Saints are going to march in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!!??) to Cleveland and dismantle the Browns.  If Hoyer starts really screwing up, watch for Johnny to come marching in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!??) and take over.  And promptly be destroyed by Rob Ryan and his lovely silver locks.

SAINTS

—–

FALCONS AT BENGALS

D.T.: The Falcon’s narrow victory over their hated New Orleans rival landed them the top spot in league offensive rankings. Matty Ice reminded us of his reputation for being clutch in tight situations, and out threw Breesus, King of the Drews, 3-1 in touchdowns and by a margin of over 110 passing yards. Their week 2 match-up in Cincinnati might prove to be one of the more intense and interesting, as they take on Andy Dalton and A.J. Green’s pairing, capable of such feats as a 77 yard touchdown pass in fourth quarter situations. It’ll be an offensive shoot out to the end, and I see Matt Ryan out throwing Andy Dalton, even on his home turf.

FALCONS

BMK: Really DT, Breesus, King of the Drews?  Oi vey that’s bad…But I can’t disagree with your analysis.

FALCONS

—–

LIONS AT PANTHERS

D.T.: A cats game! The Panthers have guaranteed the return of Cam Newton in the second week, which should help them build from the momentum of last week’s victory over the Buccaneers. I’m intrigued to see the chemistry between Kelvin Benjamin and his starting quarterback, after looking like a stud in week one with back-up Derek Anderson. Kelvin and TE Greg Olsen both look to be the weapons Cam needs for Carolina’s chance at success this season. The Lions were off to a fantastic start, with Matthew Stafford’s chemistry with unstoppable wide receiver Calvin Johnson setting the tone very quickly against the Giants last week. Will they be able to work that type of magic against the Panthers’ dominant defense? Maybe not to such a dazzling degree, but I think so.

LIONS

BMK: Cam coming back is good news…I guess.  But I expect the Lions to win here. They looked pretty damn good last week against the Giants.  And while the Panthers are a better team than the Giants, I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference.

And yeah, that bit of analysis came after I couldn’t come up with a pun that involved the word pussy that wasn’t base. You’re welcome.

LIONS

—–

RAMS AT BUCCANEERS

D.T.: It’s tough to view the Rams’ performance last week and maintain any sort of optimism or neutrality about their chances against Tampa Bay. Resorting to a third-string quarterback in the first half of the first game of the season, the Rams just looked lost and confused. Vikings’ rookie Running Back Cordarelle Patterson had himself a day, walking on the backs of the Rams to three touchdowns in his regular season debut, the latter of whom could only meekly answer with a pair of field goals. Tampa had their share of disappointments in week one as well, watching star Running Back (are we still calling him a star at this point?) Doug Martin terrify fans yet again by leaving the field with a quad injury, after earning a barely-worth-mentioning 9 yards rushing. Still the Rams are painfully vulnerable, and the Bucs may be poised to exploit that and earn their first W.

She only looks happy because she's paid very little to do so.

She only looks happy because she’s paid very little to do so.

BUCCANEERS

BMK:  DT goes the extra mile here and actually offers analysis, but c’mon…it’s the Rams behind Shaun Hill.  Possibly behind the dude not good enough to supplant Shaun Hill or for me to Google.

BUCCANEERS

—–

SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS
D.T.: I really only have two predictions for this game: the Seahawks will win, and Phillip Rivers will have another temper tantrum. Even though it pains me to type this next word in all caps…

SEAHAWKS

BMK: Prediction?

 

Pain…

SEAHAWKS

—–

TEXANS AT RAIDERS

D.T.: The only thing keeping the Raiders’ season interesting this early on is the fact that they’re playing opponents they have an ice cube’s chance in hell of beating.

Get it? Because I said "ice cube" in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that's comedy.

Get it? Because I said “ice cube” in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that’s comedy.

Quarterback Derek Carr showed some promise, despite the Raiders being dominated by the Jets. If he can keep that focus and not be intimidated by the inevitability of J.J. Watt firmly yet tenderly putting him to bed — oh, what am I saying? It’s the Texans. The Texans will win.
TEXANS

BMK: The only hope the Raiders have here is if the Texans players take BART to the Coliseum and are stabbed on their way through the parking lot.  Other than that…

TEXANS

—–

JETS AT PACKERS

D.T.: This one might actually be more interesting than people expect. Chris Johnson is a dangerous addition to the Jets running game, against a team known for their poor rushing defense. If Geno can work some magic in the air while Johnson and Ivory hold the ground game, the Jets could actually have a shot here. Still, the Pack needs to save face after the terrible loss they were handed by the last team to come over for a visit. I think I have to go with the safe choice and call on the Packers to win it. But I still really think this could be one of the more interesting Sunday games.

PACKERS
BMK: I was surprised at how well the Jets ran the ball last week. But the Jets secondary are the Oakland Raiders of secondaries.  Rodgers will carve them up faster than Fat Rex used to carve up a ham.
—–

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS

D.T.: Denver’s first divisional match-up comes up as a home game against a rival that fell apart in week one. The last time these two teams crossed paths was in noisy Arrowhead Stadium against a Kansas City team running at full steam. Playing at home against the Broncos is a very different environment, however — just as the Colts, as they were dealt a defeat as revenge for what happened the last time they hosted Denver. If Alex Smith can get his head on straight and the Chiefs can get Jamaal Charles involved, they’ll become a force yet again. But Denver is looking to secure the comfort of a 2-0 record while they’re at home, and I don’t think Peyton will settle for anything less.

BRONCOS

BMK:  It’s the regular season, so Peyton’s going to win.  It’s just that simple.  This year, he’s a man on a mission.  When the playoffs come around though…

Bryan felt bad about his “analysis” for this game, but she thinks he’s tops.

—–

BEARS at 49ERS

D.T.: The 49ers offense had their way with Dallas last week, while the Bears defense couldn’t quite contain the Bills’ middling offense. In a clear-cut case of offense versus defense, I see the Bears giving it their all, but falling short of stopping a San Francisco offense that’s squirrely and hard to get a lock on. Measuring defense versus defense, the 49ers sacked Romo three times and enjoyed four forced turn-overs, while Chicago’s defense gave up nearly 200 rushing yards against the Bills running game. Advantage going into week two, and a win? It’s the 49ers.

49ERS
BMK: Last week, I expected the 49ers to win.  They’re not a bad team by any stretch and even though I think Kaepernick is a tool, he plays behind a great offensive line and Dallas is a bad team, so he did his normal Kaepernick thing (medium range throws, 200 yards). I’m hoping that Chicago will actually give the 49ers a challenge.   But as I stated before: God hates me.

49e…..ugh…I just can’t.
—–

EAGLES AT COLTS

D.T.: Wrapping up the week is a true Monday night shootout between Nick Foles and Andrew Luck. The Eagles might have an advantage with LeSean McCoy leading their rushing game against an Indy defense that allowed first-time starter Monte Ball over 60 yards and a touchdown. They’ll have significantly higher difficulty in containing Shady, but may get lucky if Nick Foles continues his streak of turnovers. It’ll be an exciting end to the week, seeing both teams try to systematically pick at each others weaknesses. Even though they have a running game that Bryan and I could fill in for and probably gain more yards, I have an inkling that Luck with lead the team to a win in the comfort of Lucas Oil Stadium.

COLTS

BMK: I’m picking the Colts here as well since they’re at home.  Henne dropped nearly 300 yards and 2 TDs on the Eagles in week 1, so I’m pretty sure Luck will have no problem handling the Eagles defense.

COLTS

 

 

Note: This post was assembled listening the the Dandy Warhols’s first record. Bryan was surprised at its quality. Check it out. 

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Written by B. Michael Krol

September 11, 2014 at 9:09 pm

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