Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

Archive for November 2015

4th and Krol: Week 12 Picks!

leave a comment »

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

Week Twelve: This column, we should shelve.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

"Wait... I thought we were supposed to throw the women."

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I'm thankful for you.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia.  This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Eagles dog, I'm thankful for you!

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I'm thankful for you.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude's adorable...

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here's this...

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don't have cheerleaders, so here's Kloi again. I'm very thankful for her.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay?  Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats.  I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I'm thankful for you. And you.

Identical Twin Cheerleaders Jordan and Randi from Houston, I’m thankful for you. And you.

TEXANS

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day.  Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I'm thankful for you!

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously...this dude looks like Dexter.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I'm thankful for you!

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I'm fierce! Like Bridgewater!

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don't have cheerleaders either, so here's Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos.  But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares?  Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

This guy, however, does NOT care.


———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I'm thankful for YOU!

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally,  Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I'm VERY thankful for you!

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep...Blaine Gabbert.

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls...

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I'm... I just... damn, girl.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack.  Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset.  Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie's people need to get with it...

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along...

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader.  I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

…and apparently, Cleveland doesn’t have cheerleaders (which accounts for much of their fans’ unrest, I’m sure) so here’s my girl Zoe again.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful.

BMK: Oh my dear sweet Lord…This is the Monday night matchup.  Is there a channel we can watch some tape-delayed curling from Canada or some shit?  This is just embarrassing, NFL.

You'd think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

You’d think a team that calls its stadium the dog pound would have lots of dog photos...

And speaking of embarrassing, DT’s slavish devotion to a cheerleader that he’ll never, ever interact with is getting a bit much. Ease up, killer.

"Really, Krol?"

“Really, Krol?”

—————–

 

D.T.: And that does it for this week! Have a very Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a safe holiday weekend! I’m thankful for all of you (though not as thankful as I am for Zoe).

 

BMK: Another week in the books. Enjoy your friends, family, and most of all, enjoy football. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next week.

See? I can be sincere. Sometimes.

Oh, and since DT never sends me the standings anymore, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Smart AND sexy

Smart AND sexy

This post was written and compiled to the Spotify Dark Techno playlist and the voice in my head telling me to start smelling what the Rock is cooking.

 

4th and Krol: Week Eleven Picks

leave a comment »

Week Eleven: This Aint Exactly Heaven

Week Eleven: This Aint Exactly Heaven

D.T.: Well, folks, I think we’re gonna blow through this real quick and then go drinking.

Which is exactly what these four fuckers, responsible for the NFL schedule, said in April.

Which is exactly what these four fuckers, responsible for the NFL schedule, said in April.

It’s easily the worst week of the season, so far. There’s literally only one five-star game, and the rest are either terrible mismatches, or just plain dull. Here we go!
BMK: Again with a slate of crappy games. Really, this year has been devoid of positive drama. Certain teams pulled ahead and stayed that way. The only real drama in the division race is in the AFC South, and that’s only to see how shitty those teams can be and still win a division. Not exactly compelling sports entertainment.
The NFC North race could be interesting, but with Rodgers injured it seems fait accompli that the Vikings will overtake them. The Packers will be in the playoff mix but also seem fated for an early exit (see also Broncos, Denver).
Other than those two situations, it’s been pretty dull this year. At least compared to other years.
Who would’ve thought once they got Brady to stop deflating footballs things would get so damned dull?
Oh well—still better than baseball.
On to the picks!

———-

TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: How is this game not played in London? Aside from the fact that it’s the Titans and Jaguars, which is reason enough to find something else to do, they’re wearing truly terrible “Color Rush” uniforms. Remember the awful Jets and Bills Color Rush uniforms last week that made the game nearly impossible to look directly at? The Jaguars’ uniforms make those look like Jennifer Lawrence wearing nothing but a smile.

Brought to you by Heinz Mustard.

Brought to you by Heinz Mustard.

The only people who should be watching this game are blind, deaf and have no idea the TV is on. Even then, they’ll probably sense something terrible is happening.

Fucking JAGUARS, I guess.

BMK: Watching this game will be like being in a machine that kicks you in the nuts repeatedly.

Wasn’t that a Franz Kafka novel?

JAGUARS

———-

RAIDERS at LIONS

D.T.: Something’s wrong with the Packers that enabled Detroit to beat them, and I think I know what it is:

"Green Bay has lost every game since this commercial first aired."

“Green Bay has lost every game since this commercial first aired.”

I don’t even know what kind of unspeakable evil pact has been made in an attempt to win again this week against Oakland. How do you persuade Satan himself to forsake his favorite team?

""But I thought WE were Lucifer's favorite...""

“But I thought WE were Lucifer’s favorite…”

The Lions had that one game this season that convinced their fanbase not to kill themselves. I hope they enjoyed it because the Raiders are going to beat them and make them feel even worse than before.

RAIDERS

BMK: Last week I got snakebit by hometown team. NEVER AGAIN! So I’m not picking them this week out of dirty, dirty, spite.

But, if you want an intellectual point to hang your hat on, here’s one: the Raiders rank second to last in pass defense and the Lions rank 8th in pass offense.  Plus, Aldon Smith is gone, and Kahlil Mack hasn’t done squat this season. So yeah, Stafford and the boys will pull this one out.

"Krol said what?  Goddamn it, I'm gonna get him! Right after this tasty cocktail..."

“Krol said what? Goddamn it, I’m gonna get him! Right after this tasty cocktail…”

LIONS

———-

COLTS at FALCONS

D.T.: Before they’re Bye last week, the Falcons managed to lose to a terrible team with a fucking terrible back-up quarterback.

"Which bumped this image to only the second most embarrassing thing Matt Ryan can never get off the internet."

Which bumped this image to only the second most embarrassing thing Matt Ryan can never get off the internet.

This week they face off against a terrible team with a QB that’s no longer chained to a fucking moron of a coordinator, and one of two guys who played through Denver’s defense successfully. Goodnight, Matty Ice.

COLTS

BMK: I ruined DT’s vacation last week, so now he ruins my libido with that Matt Ryan picture this week. Thanks DT.

FALCONS
———-

RAMS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Rams have benched Nick Foles, saying he just needs a “break”. That’s sweet talk for “You’re fucking fired, kid. We’d rather put Case Keenum in against that struggling Baltimore defense than you.” And after losing to the Bears 37-13 last week, I can’t even blame them. The Ravens are poised for a possible comeback after being embarrassed by Jacksonville last week.

RAVENS

BMK: This is a more interesting matchup than it first appears.  The Ravens aren’t necessarily a bad team. Yes, yes, I know that hoary cliché about being what your record is, and I agree with that. Mostly.

"You're mostly what your record says you are. Mostly."

“You’re mostly what your record says you are. Mostly.”

However, the Ravens have a top-10 rushing defense, and a QB that’s very good, which should be enough to slow down the Rams, who are in the midst of their annual fade. Plus they’re at home. That should be enough to win.

But if there’s one thing this column has demonstrated over the past two years is that I don’t know shit about football.

RAVENS

———-

BUCCANEERS at EAGLES

D.T.: Well, Sam Bradford got hurt, so some things remain predictable in the NFL. It’s the Return of Sanchize, and I’m sure Eagles fans are dreading it, while Buccaneers fans are licking their chops.

"Gonna steal this game like it was crab legs."

“Gonna steal this game like it was crab legs.

BUCS

BMK: Winston vs. the Sanchize?  Now that’s a recipe for compelling TV!

BUCS

———-

BRONCOS at BEARS

D.T.: Well… fuck. Peyton Manning tore his plantar fascia, which is otherwise known as that long, hard ligament in your foot that connects your heel to your toe. For those that don’t get the kind of medical care that pro athletes receive (outside of head injuries), the recovery time is anywhere from 8-12 weeks. That means Brock “Lobster” Owseiler gets his first ever NFL start after spending his career behind Manning, and may very well finish out the season under center. Sunday’s depressing loss against the Chiefs could be the last game Peyton Manning ever plays. Aqib Talib is back after his suspension, so expect Denver’s defense to contain Cutler, and allow Brock time to get acclimated on the field and show signs of competence.

BRONCOS

BMK:  I’m with DT on this one.  The Denver defense is very good and shouldn’t have any problem with Cutler.  That should give Owseiler a good chance to win the game.
BRONCOS
———-

JETS at TEXANS

D.T.: The Texans knocked the Bengals off, and ruined their perfect season, and Brian Hoyer can’t even remember it because he suffered a concussion. Must be a complete bummer for your team to do the most noteworthy thing it’ll probably do all year, and not be able to recall it. Unless you’re Tom Coughlin, in which case you barely remember which fucking team you’re coaching on any given day.

The proud coach of Syracuse University, since 1969.

The proud coach of Syracuse University, since 1969.

So, the Texans are rolling out with… wait, who’s their backup? Who cares – that Jets defense is feasting a week before Thanksgiving.

JETS

BMK: I have literally been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with something to write about this game.  Is anyone outside of New York interested in this? If so, why?

The Jets are going to win. The Texans are a complete disappointment. Both on a football level and a moral one.

"What do you mean disappointing morally? This cow was humanely raised...until I ripped its throat out with my teeth. But before I did that, I made it watch me kill its parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne style. Oh...maybe you have a point."

“What do you mean disappointing morally? This cow was humanely raised…until I ripped its throat out with my teeth. But before I did that, I made it watch me kill its parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne style. Oh…maybe you have a point.”

JETS

———-

REDSKINS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The most head-scratching event in a true head-scratcher of a week was the Redskins kicking the utter shit out of the Saints (47-14). The result was the dismissal of Saints coordinator Rob Ryan, unattractive daughter of football villain Buddy Ryan, and sister of current Buffalo coach, Rex Ryan. New Orleans’ defense put on a horrifying display, allowing Kirk Cousins 4 touchtowns and zero interceptions. A perfect quarterback performance and rating of 158.3. Will that same type of performance roll into Carolina this week? Probably not.

PANTHERS

BMK: Raise your hand if you thought the Panthers were going to be undefeated. Yeah, put your hand down. You didn’t.  No one saw this coming.  I think they’ll stay that way after Sunday.  I just don’t see the Redskins having enough firepower to slow them down.  That said, I don’t completely buy into the Panthers. We’ll see come playoff time.

PANTHERS

———-

COWBOYS at DOLPHINS:

D.T.: Romo is back, and looking for satisfaction. He’s gonna find it against a Dolphins squad that barely squeezed out a win against Philly last week.

COWBOYS

BMK: Romo was officially activated on Saturday. I know what that means, but it sounds so…robotic?  Like Jerry Jones has all these Romo clones in his house, a la Sam Rockwell in Moon, and just sends them out to play football the loot the surrounding towns after nightfall.

Lobot rules.

Lobot rules.

———-

CHIEFS at CHARGERS

D.T.: Kansas City had their way with the ailed Broncos squad last week, like Prince backstage with groupies of probably both genders. They’ve made a habit this season of marching through vulnerable teams, and with San Diego in their current state – literally only one, arguably two consistently great players on that squad, and knowing full well that they’re moving to LA – I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Chiefs chalk up another divisional win in their quest to achieve second place in the AFC West.

"How can us win football if only one person on team?"

“How can us win football if only one person on team?”

It’s a bad year for Chargers fans. Not only are they losing their team, but those who would continue to follow them after the move will likely lose their team’s saving grace in Rivers. Anyway, the Chiefs will win. Also, everything on the Chargers’ jerseys looks like lazily-cut-out iron ons.

CHIEFS

BMK: Oh boo-hoo. Poor Chargers fans. They live in a decent city that was heavily featured in both Anchorman and Simon & Simon, and…uh…um…

Yeah, things sort of suck for Chargers fans.

CHIEFS

———-

PACKERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: I’ve said before that there’s something really wrong in Green Bay, but I can’t piece together what it might be. Losing to the Lions – even if divisional games are traditionally clusterfucks – is confounding. At this rate, I’m comfortable giving the Vikings a win that warms their fans’ hearts. Especially the way Adrian Peterson has been running, so far; that Green Bay defense is toast.

VIKINGS

BMK:  What’s wrong in Green Bay? I tell you what’s wrong in Green Bay. First of all, it’s in Wisconsin. So people eat entirely too much goddamn cheese. Second of all, it’s represented by Reid Ribble, who is a complete tool.  Seriously, this dude was in the House Freedom Caucus. There are the brainiacs that want the US to default, sending the world into economic chaos because freedom.  Third, Aaron Rodgers is injured, so he’s playing crappy.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: As a Cardinals fan, whoever wins… I win! HAH! But really, this is gonna be ugly and Seattle will win by a reasonable margin.

SEATTLE

BMK: Oh my god…I sort of feel for Blaine Gabbart. This is going to be the worst slaughter since Gigli was released.

This movie is worse than a 1000 Hitlers.

This movie is worse than a 1000 Hitlers.

SEATTLE

———

BENGALS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The only reason to watch football this Sunday, unless you’re out of market, in which case you need to get to a sports bar and watch it anyway. It’s seriously the only remotely decent game this weekend, and with good cause. The Bengals are looking to bounce back after a really off day against Houston, and the Cardinals are looking to keep the fire burning after a thrilling win in Seattle last week. That win was the first step in solidifying their legitimacy as contenders this season, and a win against the visiting Cincy squad this Sunday will cement it. This game is going to be Patrick Peterson vs AJ Green, super hardcore to the max. Arizona’s offense has the confidence and weapons to beat that Bengals secondary, but Dalton and AJ Green – looking for redemption – are deadly as fuck, and Arizona’s defense will have to play hard and fast to contain. I say they do it. Still, I worry that Carson Palmer will get the yips against his former team, like he did with the Raiders earlier this season…

CARDINALS

BMK: Second time in as many weeks for Arizona to be on the Prime Time stage. What will happen? I’m thinking AJ Green will explode on the field. Like literally explode. It’ll be really messy but since the Cardinals wear red uniforms, no one will know. And then when he’s just lying there and everyone on the Bengals sideline are looking around saying, “Hey, where’s AJ” and then someone, probably Darryl Washington, since he’s got nothing else to do, will say, “Hey man, AJ just exploded. That’s his spleen on Drew Butler’s pants,” then everyone will feel bad but Palmer will still throw for 300 yards. Or something.

I’m going to myself a favor and not read that paragraph back. I think it’s better just to let it be.

"I think he's finally gone off the deep end."

“I think Krol’ss finally gone off the deep end.”

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fucking hell… NFL, how are you going to end a week like this with a game like this? And why do you give the Patriots such a soft fucking schedule from beginning to end so that we’re all forced to watch them go undefeated and hear their fans herald Brady as the second coming? Fuck off, football schedule guys, and fuck off Patriots for getting yet another predictable win to round off a crappy week of football.

PATRIOTS

BMK:  Did you guys know that there are videos on the internet of people bathing baby sloths?  Fuck this noise, I’m watching those.

PATRIOTS

———-

D.T.: Well, there it is. We got through it, Krol – through sheer will alone. At least in week 12, we have Thanksgiving football to look forward to. Dallas/Carolina should be entertaining, and the copious amount of left over turkey and stuffing will make the rest of the football weekend tolerable. Thanks for reading, folks!

 

BMK: Good god, that was painful.  I’m thinking we need to develop a 4th and Krol drinking game. Suggestions are welcome.

 

Thanks for reading! And listening! Next week on the podcast, DT and I will discuss whether the NFL is too big. And probably digress into Venezuelan politics. Probably.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings.

Even she can't save this column from itself.

Even she can’t save this column from itself.

This column was written and compiled while listening to Ryan Adams 1989 and the nagging voice in my head that I really should do these columns before Saturday night.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 21, 2015 at 9:19 pm

4th and Krol Podcast: Week 11

leave a comment »

This week is dismal in the NFL, so DT and I  break down Some Kind of Monster, dudes in Denver, Nirvana and lyric writing, what decades had taste, and we even talk a little about football.  If you’ve been sitting on the sidelines waiting for us to stop with all the football talk before jumping in, well…this is your week.  There’s some football in the beginning, and a bunch at the end, but the middle…oh man, THE MIDDLE!

 

No, not that middle...

No, not that middle…

Anyway, thanks for listening and I hope you enjoy!

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 20, 2015 at 9:08 pm

A Sure Way to an Oscar Nomination

leave a comment »

A while back, I saw the new Sarah Silverman movie, I Smile Back. You can find my terse review of it over at AndersonVision.com. Basically, the movie wastes a great performance by Sarah Silverman with a structureless script that has Silverman’s character make baffling choices for no apparent reason.

Anyway, perusing Google News, a review of I Smile Back came up and I took a gander to see what other people are saying about this foray into misery porn.  That’s when I found this:

 

The role has Oscar nomination written all over it: See the actress grind on a teddy bear, sleep with strangers, snort cocaine off a bathroom floor, lie to her saintly husband, and ache with excruciating, visceral love for her still-perfect children.

 

Listen up lady! Masturbating with teddy bears does not get you an Oscar nomination. It didn’t work for Liam Neeson, it aint going to work for Silverman!

"I only masturbated with a female teddy bear. I mean really -- what am I? A pervert?"

“I only masturbated with a female teddy bear. I mean really — what am I? A pervert?”

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 16, 2015 at 3:44 pm

4th and Krol: Week 10 Picks! Get Em While They’re Hot!

leave a comment »

Week Ten: Bigger than Big Ben!

Week Ten: Bigger than Big Ben!

D.T.: So, Krol, what deal did you make with the devil to boost your picks from week nine? We’re tied up now, and I can’t think of an earthly reason why. I kid, of course, but there were some fucking wacky games this week, and out of 13 match-ups, I picked an astounding four of them correctly. This season has been fucked up, and it’s only getting more fucked up.

BMK: I’m with you, DT. This season has been fucked up. But the important part is that I’m neck and neck with you, Mr. I Actually Know Things about Football. So ha!

On to the picks!

———-

BILLS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get this division. The only thing that ever makes any sense is the Patriots, and that’s depressing.

"I find it incredibly exhilarating. Can you tell?"

“I find it incredibly exhilarating. Can you tell?”

Last week, both Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins returned to the field, and mopped the floor with the Dolphins. This week they go against another divisional rival, and try to do the same to Rex Ryan’s old team. Which team will Rex be coaching when he takes on the Bills next season? I’m at a loss trying to make heads or tails of the Dolphins, Bills and Jets. If I was a serious fan of these teams, I’d be exhausted by now. My pick?

JETS
BMK: I’m going with the Jets also. Mostly because Sexy Rexy irritates me and I think Ryan Fitzpatrick has the most epic beard in the NFL right now. So there’s no way they can lose. NONE!

JETS
———-

LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Now here’s a division that makes sense. The Packers are great and always will be. The Vikings will always sneak up and try to upset. The Bears and Lions are destined to be terrible for a while yet, regardless of who Detroit fires in their rage-quit.

PACKERS

BMK: When I think of the Lions, I picture a diminutive Martha Ford walking through the offices like the Angel of Death of the old testament, firing people willy-nilly, while Jim Caldwell cowers in his office, like Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. If I’m feeling especially perverse, I picture Ford walking up to Caldwell and laying a “I pardon you,” on him like Ralph Fiennes did in Schindler’s List, and then just walking away.

Yeah, this football column made a Schindler’s List and Terminator reference.

Yeah, this guy just SCREAMS master race, doesn't he?

Yeah, this guy just SCREAMS master race, doesn’t he?

———-

COWBOYS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I may have lost my ability to see who will win, but I’ve been right on the money about which games will be spectacles, for good or bad. The Cowboys/Eagles game ended up being an shootout that went into overtime, with both QBs firing off passes for nearly 300 yards a piece. More on that later. For now, expect this game to be another weird one, because neither of these teams are predictable. Both boast QBs who are more than solid on a good day, terrible the next, and runners who can be absolutely explosive if they can break loose. I’m gonna go with the Cowboys, just because Matt Cassel shocked the shit out of me last week.

I mean, the dude can't even aim straight when he's kissing his wife.

I mean, the dude can’t even aim straight when he’s kissing his wife.

COWBOYS

BMK: Good God, this game is a dilemma. I’ve been burned taking both of these teams.  DT lays the case against both pretty well up there. Me?  I’m pretty anti Cowboys right now, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick Tampa Bay.

Incidentally, I originally called this game a Hobbesian choice. HOWEVER, research showed me that having to make a choice between two shitty football teams is not a Hobbesian choice. A Hobbesian choice is a choice between something and nothing. So, for example, a Hobbesian choice would be me choosing to not date anyone else besides Kat Dennings.

"He has NO chance!"

“This is my ‘He has no chance’ dance.”

BUCCANEERS

———-

PANTHERS at TITANS

D.T.: I mean, seriously. The Titans knocked off the fuckin’ Saints, and Mariota out-threw Drew Brees?! Fuck you, Ken Whisenhunt. The Titans were out to make a statement last week, and they made it: you won’t be the head coach of another NFL team for a long time. However, that statement may be cut short when they come up against the Panthers this week – the team who took down the Packers and held on to an 8-0 record. The Titans will fight hard, but they’re outmatched this week.

PANTHERS

BMK: Cam Newton is a sociopath, but he should be able to beat the Titans. Remember the Titans?

No, not you a-holes.

No, not you a-holes.

PANTHERS

———-

BEARS at RAMS

D.T.: The Rams found themselves in a nail-biter of a dirty match against the Vikings last week. In their quest to destroy every Quarterback they cross, they managed to knock Teddy Bridgewater out cold, leaving everyone watching stunned and concerned for that little guy’s safety. Minnesota would come back to secure a narrow win after giving the Rams the kick-off in overtime. I don’t know which hurt more: Teddy’s severe concussion, or Foles knowing that team did not fear him at all.

"Uh...t he severe concussion."

“Uh…the severe concussion.”

This week, the Rams and Bears square off, and Jay Cutler might actually be murdered on the field.

RAMS

BMK: I hate picking teams that I despise, and I despise the Rams.  Yet, I can’t take the Bears. The Monsters of the Midway suck this year, and will for the foreseeable future. The Rams are on the upswing, which means that scumbag Greg Williams is still employed.

RAMS

———-

SAINTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The educated guess on this one goes to the Saints, but could either of these two teams be any more difficult to read? Their fans have had a tough time of it, too. The Who Dats prematurely accept defeat every week, while the Redskins were so amped over a one point win in week 7 that a small culture phenomenon sprouted in DC, completely with t-shirts and a catchphrase.

"It doesn't matter if D.T. don't like that. I like that and you like that."

“It doesn’t matter if D.T. don’t like that. I like that and you like that.”

The Saints really need a win after last week. I think they’ll get it.

SAINTS

BMK: Oh, who cares?

I mean, BESIDES this guy...

I mean, BESIDES this guy...

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at EAGLES

D.T.: Things were looking up for the ‘Fins after they fired Coach Philbin. They had some nice, soft wins over the Titans and Texans… but it all came crashing down after they were mercilessly pummeled by the Patriots in week eight, and I don’t think they’ve recovered. This week, I see them continuing on that downslope and losing to an Eagles team still working to widen the gap in their division, and find themselves an identity.

EAGLES

BMK: The Eagles are going to commit Battery on Dantellica’s Dolphins. The game will be so bade, that Nothing Else Matters except ending it. The Dolphins can ask St. Anger for help, but there is no St. Anger, so they’ll end up just being Frantic during the game.  Here’s hoping that the Eagles don’t Kill Em All.

And finally: Master of Puppets.

EAGLES

PS: If you don’t get what I’m doing up there, it’s simple. Miami Dolphins coach, Dan Campbell, only listens to Metallica. Which is, quite frankly, a baffling lifestyle choice. Anyway, those are Metallica song titles up there. Read the paragraph again with this new knowledge and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. And if not, you can send your complaints to DTCarel@Gmail.com

"Yeah-ah! We made it into 4th and Krol-ah!"

“Yeah-ah! We made it into 4th and Krol-ah!”

———-

BROWNS at STEELERS

D.T.: If ever the Browns had a chance at getting in some nice jabs at their dominating rival, this is it. Cheeseburger is out with yet another leg injury, and while Landry has proven himself a better QB2 than Vick, that offense is still not what it is without Ben and Le’Veon. The Browns will get in a few digs, but I expect the Steelers to figure out a way to win, as losing at home to the Browns is basically not an option  (sorry, Mangy).

STEELERS

BMK: If Cheeseburger plays, the Steelers are going to win. If Landry Jones plays, the Steelers are going to win. Hell, if I played the Steelers are going to win.

Actually, they probably won’t if I play, but you get the idea…

STEELERS

———-

JAGUARS at RAVENS

D.T.: Anticipation for this game is deader than the dude Ray Lewis definitely probably maybe didn’t have a hand in murdering.

"I have no idea what D.T. is referring to."

“I have no idea what D.T. is referring to.”

RAVENS

BMK: Speaking of Ray Lewis and things that are dead, word is that Ray Ray is dropping a hot track on the world next week. That should be wonderful.

Oh? So what’s dead? Simple: my interest in music.

RAVENS

———-

VIKINGS at RAIDERS

D.T.: With Teddy probably out (cold, hahahaha!) for week 10, this is the Raiders game to win or lose. They came really close to beating the Steelers next week, and keep solidifying themselves as a team on the rise. They’re gonna keep going with that, this week.

RAIDERS

BMK: Around the East Bay, anticipation is higher for this game than Donald Faison was at Zach Braff’s bar mitzvah.

"See? You're a man now, Zach."

“See? You’re a man now, Zach.”

Even though they burned me last week, I’m taking the Raiders. Especially since Bridgewater hasn’t cleared concussion protocols yet.  And by the way, the hit on Bridgewater was absolutely dirty.

RAIDERS

———-

PATRIOTS at GIANTS

D.T.: Has the guy in charge of NFL scheduling been checked for a signs of a stroke lately?

PATRIOTS

BMK: This game reminds me of that scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules is telling Ringo about his philosophy. See, I want to believe that the Giants will beat the Patriots, but that shit aint so. But I’m trying…I’m trying really hard.

Aaaaand it’s gone.

PATRIOTS

———-

CHIEFS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Denver’s match-up with Indy last week was 99% psychological, and there was no other way it could have been, despite the current status of both teams. Each time the Broncos have visited “The House That Manning Built”, the Colts have made it their mission to make a statement, and especially so after the firing of Pep Hamilton (you’re welcome for that, America). The game was close, and could have been a Denver win had Aqib Talib not unintentionally walked right over to Dwayne Allen, interrupted his conversation with Von Miller and placed his fingers through his facemask and into his right eye.

"Well, when you say it like THAT..."

“Well, when you say it like THAT…”

So, the Broncos are going to have to face their Kansas City rivals without the cornerback who’s been responsible for more wins this season than Peyton Manning. And with the track record of difficult and stressful games between Denver and KC, they’re going to feel his absence. Still, Denver has a commanding lead in the AFC West, so the pressure of winning this game isn’t as heavy as it could be. Their biggest obstacle on Sunday will be containing the Chiefs run game (which is still effective, without Jamaal Charles) and getting their own going (which is firmly in the toilet).

BRONCOS

BMK: DTs going to be at this game. So I’m going with the Chiefs. Because I’m an A-HOLE!

CHIEFS

———-

CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Bias aside, anyone who isn’t excited about this match-up and calling it their game of the week is either ignorant about the sport, or a Niners fan. Which, coincidentally, are synonymous.

"What? Nah, brah. I been a Raiders fan my whole life!"

“What? Nah, brah. I been a Raiders fan my whole life!”

The Seahawks are still at the top of the NFC West food chain, and until someone else knocks them off, they’ll stay that way in the eyes of everyone. To be the team that dethrones them, the Cardinals will have to accomplish two things: pressure Russell Wilson by destroying that ailing Seattle O-Line, and pressuring Seattle’s receivers even harder. Much of Seattle’s success this season has come from opposing defensive backs giving up on coverage, thinking Wilson will get sacked. That’s exactly what Seattle wants, and pressuring Wilson into throwing imperfect passes to well-covered Seattle receivers will win this game. It’s up to Arizona to decide if they want to be that team, or go into Seattle with the yips and let the ‘Hawks run their usual tricks.

CARDINALS

BMK: Can I be honest? (I don’t know…can you?) I don’t know if I’m even going to watch this game. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

But, with my serious football analyst hat on (shut up), I think I’m going with the Seahawks to win this game.  I think the Cardinals, on the whole, are a better team than the Seahawks, but this game is a prime time game and it’s against a team that’s eaten their lunch the last few years.  Not a good combination for this team.

DT spells out how AZ can beat them on the podcast, but it’s easier said than done. I’m not optimistic that they can. But then again, when am I optimistic about this team?  Answer: never.

SEAHAWKS

———-

TEXANS at BENGALS

D.T.: …and a not so great week ends with a whimper. The only advantage the Texans have this week is that they’re coming off a bye week. I’m sure JJ Watt would love to get some sacks on the Red Rifle, but any Texan victories this week will be individual marks.

BENGALS

BMK: Really?

There's more than one player on the Texans...oh wait, no there's not.

There’s more than one player on the Texans…oh wait, no there’s not.

BENGALS

———-

D.T.: And now I’m off to Denver, Colorado for a long weekend of breweries, women with really nice asses, and I also get to see Peyton Manning break the all-time record for passing yardage… from 30 rows off the field. Hopefully. He’s managed to survive this long into the season, and I hope to the Football Gods that he survives this game, too. And if the Broncos win, he’ll have secured the record for the most wins by a starting QB in league history, as well. I’m rooting for you, Peyton.

"Hey, you're alright, D.T. -- I'll buy you a beer and only piss in it a little bit."

“Hey, you’re alright, D.T. — I’ll buy you a beer and only piss in it a little bit.”

Thanks for reading folks, and have a good week!

Back on...um...even.

Back on…um…even.

 

BMK: On Friday, November 13, 2015, the column was running late. Believe it or not, we do have internal deadlines for this stuff, and DT always makes his.  I made a mental note to get to work at 3pm, after I took the dogs out and played some of the new Call of Duty game. When 3pm rolled around, I checked Facebook as one last time suck before I went to work on the column you’re reading now. That’s when I got word of what happened in Paris.

Living in this country, you become sort of sanguine about mass deaths and shootings in public places. But, for some reason, this hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m 40 now and I have an appreciation for life that younger men don’t have, or maybe it was the picture of Paris after 9/11, when they displayed an American Flag outside the Eiffel Tower in a show of solidarity. I honestly don’t know why this hit me harder than any similar events. But it did. Getting up off the couch to be a smartass about football and ogle Kat Dennings seemed like a hollow pursuit. Hell, I didn’t even feel like making fun of Jon Gruden, and to quote Robin Williams, there’s a guy that’s screaming out to be made fun of.

There’s no uplifting end here. I don’t want to bore anyone with some silly bullshit about the unifying and uplifting power of sports, since I don’t think it applies here. I will say that listening to Deadspin’s podcast Deadcast sort of brought me back.  Hearing Drew Magary and Tim Marchman get cheeky about Mizzou and Greg Hardy uplifted my spirits, as did a recording session with the new voice of the 4th and Krol Podcast, Alexandria Love. However, I’m not French and I’ve never been to Paris. Hell, I’m not even a fan of Eagles of Death Metal, the concert that was attack in Paris. So, of course I got over this quicker than some.

To call this a senseless act perpetrated by criminals would be an insulting understatement. Of course it is. All that’s left for us is to pick up and move on. To the 140 or so that aren’t with us anymore because some dipshit with a gun got a hardon, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I hope there’s justice for you and your family. Maybe there will be. But all the justice in the world won’t bring anyone back.

Anyway, I’ll stop here before this gets anymore Mcweeny-y and maudlin. I just wanted to get these things off my chest.

Vaya con dios, my friends.

2000px-Civil_and_Naval_Ensign_of_France.svg

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 14, 2015 at 7:19 pm

4th and Krol Podcast: Week 10

leave a comment »

We got a new podcast for ya’ll! This week, we cover Jerry Jones and his loveable sidekick Greg Hardy. Oh what hilarious misadventures are those two going to get into this week! Also, we talk about the state of the Carson City Stadium project, we breakdown the Seahawks Cardinals game, and we answer the mystery on everyone’s mind: why isn’t DT on any social media.

Hope you enjoy it!

"This guy...this guy ALWAYS listens to 4th and Krol."

“This guy…this guy ALWAYS listens to 4th and Krol.”

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 14, 2015 at 12:44 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

4th and Krol Podcast: Week Nine!

leave a comment »

Hi All…

On this week’s podcast, we discuss what will happen when Bryan’s President, does Peyton Manning pay attention to the media (spoiler alert: he does), and DT goes OFF on Ken Whisenhunt.  Also, we ask that age-old question: why the hell does Dez Bryant own a monkey. Plus the usual off-topic tangents and sports nonsense you’ve come to expect from us.

Thanks for listening!

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 7, 2015 at 7:29 pm

4th and Krol: Week Nine Picks!

leave a comment »

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

Week Nine: Is this the week we go over the line?

D.T.: Hell of a week eight, folks. Certainly more interesting on and off the field than I expected, at least. We saw some record-setting nail-biter games, the return of Peyton Manning, the utter incompetence of Carolina’s stadium security, and more! And as of writing this on Tuesday morning, we’re seeing the completion of San Francisco’s implosion and the firing of Ken Whisenhunt from head coach of the Tennessee Titans. It may only be 9am where I am, but as an unabashed Cardinals’ fan…

Good day

And Week 8 looks halfway decent. Well, not really, but let’s ride this wave of euphoria for as long as it lasts!

BMK: Yeah, the games were mostly interesting, but there is a significant lack of off-field salaciousness and lunacy, something we here at 4th and Krol are very interested in.  Frankly, it was a boring week eight. Except for PETA going after Dez Bryant for having a monkey. Hearing about that story warmed the cockles of my black heart.

On to the picks!

———-

BROWNS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Browns gave the Cardinals quite the scare in the first half of last week’s game, until Arizona remembered how to play football and returned from the locker room to dominate with more than 20 unanswered points. As a Browns fan, I imagine that felt like the clouds parting during a torrential rain, the sun shining down on you, and then realizing the clouds were pierced by a meteor headed right for your face. Now imagine first responders picking up your remains, then delivering them to your enemy’s house so they can pee on them.

BENGALS

BMK: I’m late with column again. But I was taking the Bengals anyway, for all the reasons that DT delineates above.  But for one more: the Ginger of Doom is one sexy, sexy man.

"You're just mad cause I got Kat Dennings's phone number..."

“You’re just mad cause I got Kat Dennings’s phone number…”

BENGALS

———-

PACKERS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers, too, had quite a scare on Monday Night against the Colts. That game was in the proverbial bag before Indy rallied and came from behind in the fourth quarter to force a overtime showdown and ultimately a very narrow Carolina win. They’re hosting Green Bay next — a squad that just had their asses handed to them by Denver. Rodgers was held to only 77 yards passing in a dominant show of force by the Broncos secondary, and made room for a startling return to form for Peyton Manning.

"About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry."

About to make a startling return to his hotel room to cry.

I think just about everyone had Green Bay pegged to win on Sunday, it’ll be interesting to see how the Packers bounce back from their first loss, and how Carolina’s secondary uses the game tape to attack Rodgers’ offense. When it came down to it, Carolina’s defense is great, but they were exhausted in the end by Andrew Luck’s weapons… and Aaron Rodgers has a lot more weapons at his disposal.

PACKERS

BMK: That Monday night game was interesting.  It was good seeing Andrew Luck going off the way we know he can. And it got Pep Hamilton fired, so everything worked out great!

Except, like, for the Colts, I guesss.

"Yeah? Least I got a job Krol...wait, hold on, Irsay's on the phone..."

“Yeah? Least I got a job Krol…wait, hold on, Irsay’s on the phone…”

Anyway, I expect Aaron Rodgers to take out his misery on Cam Newton and the Panthers.

PACKERS

———-

REDSKINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Well, this just isn’t fair.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my UPSE—Ugh. I can’t even kid around about this anymore. This game is going to be ugly. Ugly like that baby alien from V.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Spoilers.

This thing looked fake as hell, but I still get choked up when it dies. Oh. Yeah. Spoilers.

You guys remember V?  That was a great show. Story goes, V’s showrunner Kenneth Johnson originally pitched a WWII story, and being that this was in the 80s and before Speilberg showed us how cool WWII could be, the network passed. Johnson, undeterred said, “Well, fuck it.  What if the Nazis were aliens.”

And on that day, V was born.

Oh, yeah. The pick…

PATRIOTS

———-

TITANS at SAINTS

D.T.: Tennessee has suffered their final loss in the clusterfuck that was the Whisenhunt Era. With ol’ Ken being fired, now Mariota and Mettenberger have a real chance at becoming NFL-caliber quarterbacks. The Titans probably don’t have a real chance at taking on an opponent like the Saints just yet, though. Especially after that ridiculous, record-setting performance from Drew Brees and his offense. In case you missed it, Breesus, King of the Drews, tied the all-time record for touchdown passes in a single game. The Saints are going to be fired the fuck up after that win against the Giants, and the Titans are going to be in full transition mode. I wouldn’t expect a Miami-esque reinvigoration for a win. It’ll be the Saints.

SAINTS

BMK: Whisenhunt is gone, but like Newt said in Aliens, it won’t make any difference.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt's aged pretty well. Mostly.

Hey, whaddaya know? Newt’s aged pretty well. Mostly.

"Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night."

“Take it easy Sigourney. I was making a reference to her famous line in Aliens about the aliens coming out at night.”

SAINTS

———-

DOLPHINS at BILLS

D.T.: Speaking of Miami (remember that segue thing we talked about, Krol? How nice was that one?), they’re paying a visit to Buffalo this week. The Bills are fresh off a bye, and it’s very likely that Tyrod Taylor will return as their starting QB. Rookie Sammy Watkins, however, may take another week off while all of us little people work our little jobs in our little lives.

"Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it's only practice."

“Oooh, shit. Look at this catch. This one catch just made more money than everyone reading this will make in a month. And it’s only practice.”

I’m going with the Dolphins on this one, just because.

DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m going with the Buffalo Bills.  Just to spite DT.

BILLS
———-

RAMS at VIKINGS

D.T.: A deceptively interesting match-up. Two fucking terrible passing offenses, and two great defenses. Neither of these teams’ QBs are having much luck this season, but both boast incredible talent at running back. Even the Vikings have conceded that Todd Gurley is the next best thing running, and even though he’s young enough to pull a switch off a tree for Adrian Peterson…

"Come on, man. Like you've never brutally beaten a child before."

“Come on, man. Like you’ve never brutally beaten a child before.”

…he’s likely going to host another running back clinic on Sunday. Whether or not the rest of the Rams show up will be another story. This is a tough game to call, honestly. These two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched, though I’ll give it to the slight edge the Rams have defensively.

RAMS

BMK: Good God, Adrian Peterson is a vile human being.

Anyway…

The Rams are becoming a trendy pick for an NFC Wild Card berth. DT and I differ on that (and if you listened to last week’s podcast, you’d know why…), but DT is wrong. So very, very wrong.

The Rams are for real. If they had a decent QB, they’d win the NFC West. Luckily, they don’t. But it won’t matter here.

RAMS

———-

JAGUARS at JETS

D.T.: I don’t get you, New York. You hold your own against the Patriots, then lose to Oakland? Sure, I think Krol is right on the money in thinking that the Raiders could play the upsetter and vie for a wild card spot. But are Carr and Cooper really good enough to punch through a defense like what the Jets have going? Let’s see what happens when that defense comes up against another underdog team trying hard to put something together before it’s too late. I think New York bounces back, but I think the Jags get a few body shots in.

JETS

BMK: This is one of those matchups I can’t get excited about enough to even write a pithy dismissal. So here’s Fireman Ed.

Ed...take a break, broham.

Ed…take a break, broham.

JETS

———-

RAIDERS at STEELERS

D.T.: So, the Steelers lost to the Bengals, despite having Big Ben back under center. The game turned out to be one of the better showings on Sunday, with both teams giving it their all, and playing hard. Perhaps a little too hard for star Pittsburgh runner, Le’Veon Bell, who suffered his second consecutive season-ending knee injury. It wasn’t an ACL injury, though, which gives him plenty of time to recover and be ready for the 2016 season. And just enough time to figure out away to get busted for weed again, and miss the first couple of games despite being healthy.

"...yeah, probably."

“…yeah, probably.”

Pittsburgh is lucky they have Williams backing him up. Just for fun, I’m picking the Raiders to take a narrow win from the vulnerable Steelers.

RAIDERS

BMK: This is my game of the week. As a resident of the East Bay, I’ve adopted the Raiders as my AFC team, and I’m interested to see what they can do against the Steelers. Oakland looked good against the Jets and the Chargers, but let’s not forget that Rivers has no support and Oakland was playing against Geno in the Jets game.  Unlike Bill Romanowski (who, by the way, is an insane person), I don’t think the Raiders are going to win. Winning in Pittsburgh is tough (I should know; when I moved there it started a personal four year losing streak) and the Raiders don’t have enough of a ground game to keep the Steelers honest in the secondary.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if they did win.

And no, Bay Area Radio People, David Carr is not a top five QB. Jesus Christ, people…

STEELERS

———-

GIANTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The Bucs stole a win from the Falcons after a bizarre showing of Atlanta turnovers, a 17 point lead thrown away, and a final interception of Matt Ryan in overtime to close the deal. Atlanta is a weird freaking team, especially in divisional games.

"Yeah, well, you're a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!"

“Yeah, well, you’re a weird freaking guy, especially in your FACE!”

The Giants are a weird freaking team as well, which I think poises Tampa Bay to take a home win. Jameis Winston with his good friends Evans and V-Jax, coupled with the resurgence of Doug “Don’t Call Me Muscle Hamster” Martin) are more than enough for the Giants’ dead-last defense to handle.

BUCS

BMK: The Giants exploded offensively last week. I don’t expect that to happen again, but I like Eli Manning more than I like Winston right now. Manning has a QBR of 99, compared to Winston’s 85.6, and the only thing Manning’s ever stolen was New Yoker’s hearts.

Isn't he dreamy?

Awww…

GIANTS

———-

FALCONS at NINERS

D.T.: So, the Niners have shipped off Vernon Davis to the Broncos for a couple of late round picks, and now the team has made the decision to bench Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert. All that’s left now is for Levi Stadium to implode upon itself like the house in Poltergeist. I can’t think of another instance where a team has been so mishandled and has fallen into such disarray in such a short amount of time. I honestly hope Kaepernick gets traded by the deadline today (Tuesday), and he gets a fresh start on a team that knows what do with him, and doesn’t attempt to crucify him at every turn. All that said, the Falcons are going to fucking dominate the Niners in such fashion that the ink in their fans’ neck tattoos will fall out.

"Oh, hey... uh... sorry about that thing I said about your face."

“Oh, hey… uh… sorry about that thing I said about your face.”

FALCONS

BMK: Ugh. This is going to be a bloodbath. The Niners are in the toilet and will be for the foreseeable future. They can’t run, they can’t pass, and they can’t defend either. They’re a mess from top to bottom, and the Falcons will come in to Levi’s Stadium and just clean their clocks. It’ll be borderline ugly. Too much, even for me.

I’ll still watch it though, and laugh my fool head off. Because I’m a terrible person.

FALCONS

———-

BRONCOS at COLTS

D.T.: Kubiak, you see what happens when you let Peyton Manning run the offense again? The clocks turn back five years, he throws long balls with perfect spirals, and leads the team to a stunning victory against an undefeated Super Bowl favorite with another all-time great QB. And everyone watching was happy, because we got to see Happy Manning instead of Grumpy Manning, and even heard some Omaha’s.

"Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning... hey, have you been working out?"

“Operation Papa John is now in effect. We must kill the Manning… hey, have you been working out?”

This week, Manning makes what may be his final return to Indianapolis to take on an ailing Colts team. Last time, Jim Irsay managed to play the psychological edge and threw Manning off his game with a backhanded thank you ceremony for Peyton (and by playing with the stadium open to fuck with his weakness to the cold). But even such underhanded plays won’t be enough when Andrew Luck is on Pagano and Hamilton’s leash, and that Denver Defense is staring him down. The Broncos will go 8-0 and Pagano will definitely be fired during Indy’s bye week.

BRONCOS

BMK: Is Peyton Manning done?  Despite last week’s outing, I’d say that he is.

Physical skills don’t deteriorate on a 90 degree curve.  Unless, like, Peyton losses a leg or something. Maybe not even then. (see Leppard, Def). That said, there’s plenty of evidence in the past nine weeks that he’s lost a lot of his physical skills and it’s because of that, I don’t like them to go deep in the playoffs this year, despite the fact they could go 12-4 or higher. The window is closed.

That said, they’re going to kill the Colts.

BRONCOS

———-

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: Well, this should be a cluster fuck, and fun to watch just for the sheer spectacle of it all. Cassel and Weeden being fucking terrible, Greg Hardy already acting as poison on the sidelines, and playing a divisional rival will show the Cowboys unravel even further. But don’t expect a dominant showing from the Eagles, either. They’ll win, but they’re not all that.

EAGLES

BMK: When the Niners bum me out too much this weekend, I’m turning to this game. As my esteemed partner from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, this should be a complete clusterfuck. With any luck, Loki will appear in the middle of the field and take Greg Hardy away to service Frost Giants in Hel. But that probably won’t happen.

It’ll be Niffleheim.

EAGLES

———-

BEARS at CHARGERS

D.T.: This week ends with an utter non-event of a prime time game. Both of these teams are spent, with no hope of for the playoffs. Under different circumstances, this might have been an interesting game, with both teams no longer giving a shit, and playing for pride. But neither team has any. The Chargers are moving to LA and will lose Rivers in the process (he refused to sign a contract extension for fear of having to move there), the Bears are going nowhere (geographically and otherwise).

"Well, D.T.'s definitely goin' somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks."

“Well, D.T.’s definitely goin’ somewhere. H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.”

I don’t even know… Chargers, I guess? It’s a home game, and Rivers is still fucking ridiculous under center.

CHARGERS
BMK: This is the kind of Monday night match that just gets everyone excited. Who’ll suck least and win?  Tune in and find out!

BEARS
———-

D.T.: And that’s it for Week Nine! Week Ten comes right after this week, and also has football games scheduled to take place there-in! Divisional match-ups abound with the Bills and Jets kicking off on Thursday night, followed by the Lions and Packers, Browns and Steelers, Chiefs and Broncos and the much-awaited NFC West showdown between the Cardinals and Seahawks.

Ain't gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

Ain’t gonna see any of this shit, Seattle Fans.

I’ll be spending next weekend in Denver, attending the Broncos and Chiefs game from bitchin’ (and expensive) lower-bowl seats, then high-tailing it to the nearest pub to catch the Cardinals game on Sunday Night Football, and sampling as any unique and delicious Colorado microbrews as time and constitution will allow. Fear not though, dear reader, for there shall still be an article for you in week 10, as long as there is alcohol in my stomach and football in my heart!

 

BMK: Week nine is in the books! While DT is off sampling microbrews and other…recreational delicacies in Colorado, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight against oppression, tyranny, and good aesthetic taste.

And remember kids: your mother may disown you, your spouse will leave you, everything you’ve ever believed in will let you down…except us here at 4th and Krol.

Thanks for reading and listening.

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

 

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in...

My life is gonna suck when that restraining order kicks in…

 

This was written and compiled listening to the 80s Music that Doesn’t Suck Playlist on Spotify and that nagging voice in my head wondering if left the iron on. Spoilers: I didn’t.