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Archive for October 2015

4th and Krol: Week Eight!

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Week Eight: It's not too late...unless you're the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay...

Week Eight: It’s not too late…unless you’re the Ravens, Browns, Saints, Tampa Bay…

D.T.: Compared to the horrible slog that was Weeks Six and Seven, this week looks pretty damned good. Not great, but pretty damned good. Kind of like the Broncos 6-0 record right now. We–hang on, I’m getting a call…

"D.T., it's Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in."

“D.T., it’s Peyton. Yeah. You know the drill. You. Yourself. Fucking there-in.”

We’re obligated at this point to keep writing each week, so it helps to have halfway decent games to get excited about. My local brewery will be disappointed in their dramatic drop in sales this week, though. Wait… the Chargers play the Ravens, Chief play the Lions, and the Giants play the Saints. Looks like beer’s back on the menu! Let’s get into it.

BMK: There’s some interesting matchups this week.  But the most interest matchup has to be between DT and I.  Our second ever podcast is down below. Check it out…if you dare!

———-

DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: I hope you enjoyed being the top last week, Fins. Because you’re so the bottom this week, and this guy’s first in line in the gang-bang:

"¡Yo soy orgía!"

“¡Yo soy orgía!”

PATRIOTS

BMK: Blah blah blah, I’m late, blah blah blah, writing this on Saturday, blah blah blah…You guys know the drill.

PATRIOTS

———-

LIONS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chiefs managed to turn out a win against the ailing Steelers last week, taking full advantage of their continuing quarterback woes. A couple of key turnovers committed by the Pittsburgh put this one to bed in less than spectacular fashion. This week, they square off against the Lions, who just lost a divisional game to the Vikings. Stafford looked like he might be on the upswing, tossing for over 250 yards and closing the deal a couple of times. Their running game and secondary are still in awful shape though, and I’ll give it to the Chiefs this week, for that reason.

CHIEFS

BMK: It’s a titanic battle between a 1-6 team and 2-5 team? Who will win? Who ever sucks less! Compelling viewing, aint it folks. Guys and gals, games like this are why we suffer through baseball season every year, counting the days until kickoff!

CHIEFS
———-

BUCCANEERS at FALCONS:

D.T.: It’s become evident that Dan Quinn’s departure from defensive coordinator at Seattle is key to the Legion of Boom’s decline, and his success in completely turning around the Falcons is proof positive. It’s staggering how different the Dirty Birds look and feel this season, and against their struggling divisional rivals in Florida, they’re poised for a nice win. Call that narrow win in Tennessee a slight hick-up, and consider this weekend a return to their 6-1 form.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m tempted to take the Buccaneers here, just to be contrary.  There’s a couple things in the Buccaneers you can hang your hat on.  They have the 5th ranked pass defense in the league and the 4th ranked pass offense in the league.  Unfortuntely, they’re going up against the 2nd ranked rush defense and they’re coached by Lovie Smith. So I’m going to be a Basic Bitch Football Columnist now…

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

Pictured: My soul as a sportswriter.

FALCONS

———-

CARDINALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Most people overlook the fact that Josh McCown is quietly having himself a decent season. The Browns record doesn’t reflect it, but he’s currently posting a 96.1 overall QB rating for the year, and he’s developed solid chemistry with wide receiver Travis Benjamin. The two are a bit of a threat, and the Arizona secondary will have to keep a close eye on those two, or find themselves unpleasantly surprised. Still, the bottom-rung Cleveland defense will find it very difficult to keep up with Carson Palmer’s aerial game, and the one-two-punch combination of Chris and David Johnson pounding their line. This is Arizona’s game to win or beat themselves in.

ARIZONA

BMK: This has trap game written all over it. Arizona should win this and possibly by a lot. McCown, while not a terrible QB (there are certainly much worse), isn’t the kind of QB that gives the Cardinals problems. Of course, neither was Landry Fucking Jones.

Anyway, I’m going to take Arizona because I’m a homer.

ARIZONA

———-

NINERS at RAMS

D.T.: Even more in-fighting develops in San Francisco, as the team continues to plummet. They’re a team that simply has no will to win this season, and I may sound crazy but I would be surprised if Kaepernick’s contract wasn’t restructured again, and he was traded off to another squad.

"Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good."

“Actually, brah, that sounds pretty good.”

Off the top of my head, I think Chip Kelly is clearly not afraid to play around with his roster, and would give a finger or two to have a running QB like Kaep.

"I'll have those fingers, if he doesn't want 'em."

“I’ll have those fingers, if he doesn’t want ’em.”

Anyway, the Rams are going to win this one, and keep themselves in the running in the NFC West. Expect Todd Gurley to have a BIG motherfucking day.

 

RAMS

BMK: I’m starting to feel bad for Colin Kaepernick. Word on the street is that he’s isolated in the locker room and he’s losing his confidence.

Look, I know I’ve goofed on Kaepernick a bunch. Probably more than my fair share, but this is getting ridiculous. He’s not some shitbag like a lot of other players in the league (see Vick, Michael and Hardy, Greg); and he’s by far not the biggest problem with the 49ers. He’s just a kid in over his head, put in a position he never should have been put in by an egomaniacal sociopath. He doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the league because he can’t hack being a number one QB. Hell, most QBs in this league aren’t qualified. The problem is they have a better supporting cast around them to hide their deficiencies. Kaep no long has that, and his coach looks like he spent a day taking Molly and watching the Star Wars prequels. He was never going to succeed in that situation and it’s beyond the pale to punish him for that.

Anyway, the Niners are hosed this week.

RAMS
———-

GIANTS at SAINTS

D.T.: I have the Giants pegged to find a way to lose against the Cowboys last week, and was pleasantly surprised when the Giants defense and Special Teams said fuck that, and took control from an ineffectual Eli Manning-led offense. They also got a bit of last-minute help from Dallas’s Beasley, who clutch-fucked a kick return to seal the deal for NY. What will happen when the Giants meet the Saints this week is anyone’s guess, but New Orleans is statistically the better team this season, across the board. But, between Sean Payton and Tom Coughin in a sheer contest of will…

…you have to go with Nawlins.

SAINTS

BMK: I don’t buy for one second—NOT ONE GODDAMN SECOND—that the Saints are better than the Giants.  PEDDLE YOUR BULLSHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE DT!

"Yeah! You tell 'em Krol!"

“Yeah! You tell ’em Krol!”

GIANTS

———-

VIKINGS at BEARS

D.T.: Would making another joke about caring as much as Jay Cutler does about this game be lazy, or right on the money? It’s weird how in his transformation from Alec Baldwin to Cillian Murphy, the Bears keep getting worse. I hope the weight loss is due to stress and not because of a disease that could have been avoided with vaccination.

VIKINGS

BMK: Another interdivisional shit show. I guess the Vikings are statistically better than the Bears, but only bearly.

"Stop. Just stop."

“Stop. Just stop.”

Anyway, the Bears are at home and Cutler is better than Bridgewater. I guess.

BEARS
———-

CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Chargers are officially announced their intent to file for a relocation next season. What the ownership of the team doesn’t realize is that having your entire team centered around one single player doesn’t establish a steady fanbase or sell tickets.

"Oh, really?"

“Oh, really?”

All the Ravens really need to do here is attack the pass offense and shut down Rivers. He’s a crazy-talented son of a bitch, but he is literally the key to every Chargers win and loss. Simple as that. If the Oakland Raiders can figure that out and squeeze out a win, anyone can.

RAVENS

 

BMK: In our latest podcast—available below!—DT and I decide that the Ravens have a bad record but aren’t necessarily a bad team. Now, don’t get us wrong. They’re going nowhere except to the bottom of the AFC North, but they’re still competitive. I think Dumerville will have a good game against a depleted Chargers offensive line and will give Rivers problems. And as my esteemed colleague from behind the Saguaro curtain pointed out, you stop Rivers you stop the Chargers from doing anything.  Except moving to LA.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

I sure as hell did, Gosling.

RAVENS

———-

 

BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Finally, a worthwhile game. The Bengals are coming off a week of rest, while Roethlisberger is likely going to keep himself to the sideline. This is a done deal, before it even gets started.

"Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!"

“Hey, I say the same thing to college girls in bars!”

BENGALS

BMK: Can the Bengals handle the raw sexual power that is Landry Jones?

"Uh, what?"

“Uh, what?”

Yes.

BENGALS

———-

TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Let’s be honest: no one is going to be watching this game. Not you, not me, and certainly not Ken Whisenhunt. I’ll just give it to the Titans, so we can move on.

TITANS

BMK: I’m going to watch this game just to piss off DT.

Wait, no I’m not.

TITANS

———-

JETS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Well, they didn’t beat the Patriots last week but the Jets came out swinging like I thought they would and held the Patriots to a one-possession lead and win. Much like Dan Quinn turned around the Falcons, so too is former Arizona defensive coordinator Todd Bowles working hard to turn the Jets franchise around. I’m eager to see how that Jets defense combats the continually surprising Derek Carr-led offense, and how Revis Island covers speed demon Amari Cooper. It’s youth versus experience this time around. I give it to experience, but I think youth will make a few great plays as well.

JETS

BMK: I like the Jets this season. Bowles is turning  around that team and will be in great position next year for the owner and GM to completely fuck everything up again. But until that time…

JETS

———-

SEAHAWKS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Gee, what a great game for a Cardinals fan. I’d bust out Alien Vs. Predator parody poster I did last season, but with Dez Bryant still iffy, it doesn’t look to be relevant. Instead, I’m going to my happy place and bringing back the time-honored tradition of posting Cheerleader photos as filler.

Cheerleaders 2

 

Cheerleaders 1

SEAHAWKS

BMK: If Romo and Dez were playing, they’d win, just like if I was a good looking rich guy I’d be dating Kat Dennings.

"No, you wouldn't."

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Anyway, Dallas is depleted so they aint winning in Seattle.  Which means the rest of us will have to listen to Seahawks fans talk about how their team is back. Utter nonsense, but hey, they’re just discovering football, so I’ll let em have their fun.

"I sure did. And you didn't stop me."

“I sure did. And you didn’t stop me.”

SEAHAWKS

———-

PACKERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Clash of the 6-0 teams, where one must walk away with perfect record tarnished. Unless it ends in a tie, but what are the odds of that happening?

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

This is the game of the week, without question. Key points of interest are seeing how the Broncos defense plans to save the day against the clockwork operating of Aaron Rodgers and his receivers. There’s also the issue of possibly having Eddie Lacy back in the fold, and taking hand-offs. That’s a tall fucking order for a defense — even one as good as Denver’s. They’re going to have to find some way to make plays happen during times of possession to stand a chance, here. Does Peyton have it in him to fight through the physical limitations, and can the Denver running game find a way through that Green Bay defense?

The answer to that second one is definitely maybe, while the first… remains an uneasy mystery. Playing it safe, I say Green Bay takes the win here, unless Denver’s defense really brings the magic and throws A-Rod off his game.

GREEN BAY

BMK: This is a fantastic game.  I’m going with Green Bay though. I don’t think Denver has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers, and I think that’ll become evident pretty early. Peyton Manning is done.

By the way, me writing that pretty much guarnetees Manning will have a monster game. Oh well…

GREEN BAY

———-

COLTS at PANTHERS:

D.T.: One of the more interesting Monday Night Football match-ups we’ve seen so far. The Colts are still crumbing, as rumors of Pagano’s demise are probably only slightly exaggerated. There’s some strong talk that ol’ Chuck will be out on his ass come Indianapolis’s bye week and if there is a Football God, Pep Hamilton will be fired in the same breath. If those rumors are true, we’ll be seeing a Chuck Pagano that’s either fighting tooth and nail to keep his job, or someone who is resigned to his fate and doesn’t give a shit. Both versions of Chuck Pagano are incompetent.

This week’s going to wrap up with a Panthers home win, and the continuation of the head-scratchingly-bizarre turn-around half of the NFC South is undergoing. If you had told me that two of those teams would have gone undefeated past week one of this season, I would have politely laughed and bid you good day. But now… there are two of them that look like honest to goodness playoff contenders, and that’s just fucking weird. What a time to be alive.

PANTHERS

BMK: This is an interesting game?  Good God, you need to move out of Arizona, DT.  There’s so many better things out in the world. Like…kitten videos…chocolate pie…Kat Dennings…

"Whatever..."

“Whatever…”

I guess you’re right. This is it.

PANTHER
———-

D.T. And that’s your week eight, folks. Week nine continues the ascension out of total shit, with games like Green Bay at Carolina (with the possibility of two 7-0 teams going at it), Peyton Manning returning to Indy for maybe the last time (unless he retires a Colt, which would be some bullshit), and what could be a goofy-as-fuck Eagles/Cowboys game that Sunday night. We’re coming at you from two different angles this week, posting this silliness here, and casting our pods in your faces. So read up, listen in, and impress your friends with all the NFL knowledge and references to Rob Gronkowski having sex with men you’ve learned!

 

BMK: Another week in the books, another article filled with blazing hot takes.  What will happen in week nine? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll be divine!

What? You expected something else?  Have you been paying attention?

Here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings (finally!)…

"This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers."

“This is the dance I did when my lawyer served Krol with papers.”

This post was written and compiled listening to the Misfits.
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Hallelujah! A New Podcast!

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It seems gentle readers, that our technical problems have passed us and we can now start podcasting in earnest. I have a new microphone and old opinions, and DT is just the affable guy you’ve come to know and love.

This week, we discuss where we think the remainder of the season is going to shake out, the nature of NFL compensation and injuries, and I go off on the Cowboys.

Thanks for listening! Hope you enjoy it! Any comments can be left below and you can find me on twitter @bmkrol.

 

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 30, 2015 at 10:39 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

4th and Krol: Week 7 Picks!

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Week Six: It's time for the picks!

Week Seven: I’m not going with the obvious rhyme Heaven!

D.T.: Lots of exciting things happened last week… and most of them not on the field. Monday Night Football saw a huge spike in ratings from the halftime release of the new Star Wars trailer. Ken Whisehunt saw a huge spike in likelihood that he won’t be an NFL coach next season. Fred Jackson saw a huge spike in his insurance premium from crashing his car while drag racing with Marshawn Lynch.

It wasn’t a terribly great week in the NFL, certified in ink by the fact that one of the most interesting games took place between the Lions and Bears. I feel like we’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how weak this season has been, but let’s face it: so far, the NFL has been about as strong as the grip strength in Jason Pierre-Paul’s right hand. But, we’re here to do what we can to make things a little more fun and interesting. Let’s get to it!

BMK: Boy you said it. So far this season has been…I don’t know if weak is the right word for it, but hasn’t been that exciting. I think the NFL’s vaunted parity (which never really existed as advertised) is dragging down the overall play.  Teams seem to either be elite, or they play like drunken baby monkeys at a slapfight level.

Which reminds me…I’d  love to see some drunken monkeys have a slapfight.  Maybe that’s what they’re showing on BRAVO now…

On to the picks!

PS: There is no podcast this week because of technical difficulties. Somehow I killed the audio tracks. I’m an idiot.

What hurts even more is that I know fucking Juggalos manage to get their podcasts off the ground. For some reason, this is beyond my technical ken.

———-

SEAHAWKS at NINERS

D.T.: Who would have thought that these two teams would be battling for the number three spot in the NFC West? When the mighty fall, they fall hard. Seattle’s meteoric rise has ended, and they’re no longer invincible even at home, as they suffered an upsetting defeat at the hands (paws?) of the Panthers on Sunday. The Niners managed to squeeze out a win from the ailing Ravens, which has sent Baltimore’s fanbase into a spiral of depression.

"Thank Jesus I'm Retired!"

“Thank Jesus I’m Retired!”

So, what happens when two former lords meet in dank catacombs of their kingdom? A duel to the death. Whoever loses this game is in deep shit, and both sides are going to be scrambling to avoid that. Come Thursday night, I think Seattle pulls through. They’re still missing something intangible that no one can quite define, but they’re still the better team here.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: As our long time reader knows, I live in the Bay Area and I consume a lot of sports media. As one would expect, there’s a sense of resignation here across the chattering class of local sportscasters. There’s no way the 49ers are winning this game, and everyone knows it, but they have to talk about something so they’re discussing the slight uptick in Kaepernick’s game. Basically, if you’ve had better things to do than watch the 49ers (read: just about any damn thing you could think of), Kaepernick’s numbers have improved over the last two games.  The two games where they went 1-1.

The Seahawks are on the downward slide, but I don’t expect them to lose this week.  The 49ers suck. Bad.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BILLS at JAGUARS

D.T.: I really thought the Jaguars had a shot against the Texans, but as fans in Jacksonville know, if you expect the Jags to disappoint, you’ll never be disappointed.

"I'm not sure if that made sense... but I'm not sure if that didn't not make sense."

“I’m not sure if that made sense… but I’m not sure if that didn’t not make sense.”

The Bills showed some chinks in the Bengals defense, managing to score 21 points on them, but their own defense failed to keep Cincinnati from scoring 34 points of their own, and securing a 6-0 record. The Bills will take a win, and London will continue wondering why American is so infatuated with the NFL.

BILLS
BMK: Last week I famously said I have no faith in Tyrod Taylor.  Rex Ryan then replaced him with EJ Emmanuel. That can only mean one thing: Rex Ryan regularly reads 4th and Krol. Who knew?

BILLS
———-

BUCCANEERS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The Redskins were outmatched in every aspect of the game last Sunday. Their top rusher, Alfred Morris, was contained by the Jets for a humiliating 21 yards, and Kirk Cousins was stifled at 196 yards versus Ryan Fitzpatrick’s 253. Coming up against the Buccaneers, what these two teams really have going for them is defense. They’re both currently top-ten ranked secondaries, so we can expect a low-scoring affair, and I’ll take the Bucs to edge out the Skins by a field goal.

BUCS

BMK: IT’S THE BATTLE OF TRAILER PARK! THE 2-4 REDSKINS VS. THE 2-3 BUCCANNEERS! GET HYPE!

Games like this make me regret becoming interested in football.

BUCS

———-

FALCONS at TITANS

D.T.: So, the Saints finally managed to win one. And it was quiet the upset, knocking their Atlanta rivals out of the undefeated club. The Titans, however, remain in the oft-defeated club after a devastating loss to the Dolphins last week. I don’t think running Oklahoma drills suddenly make the Fins a better team, though — I think they simply had a nice outing against a Tennessee team coached by a fraud.

This man is 4-29 in his last 33 games as a head coach. This isn't meant to be funny.

This man is 4-29 in his last 33 games as a head coach. This isn’t meant to be funny.

While the Titans are floundering under an abysmal head coach and killer of rookie QB careers, the Falcons have gotten their groove back with former Seattle defensive coordinator Dan Quinn running their show. This game will be ridiculously one-sided, and ESPN could probably fill a whole Sports Center episode with Falcon highlights from it, alone.

FALCONS

BMK: One of the interesting storylines for this season is the number of undefeated teams, and what’s really surprising is that two of them come from the NFC South, which I had written off as a terribly weak division. To be fair, the bottom of that division is really bad, but the Falcons are starting to look “legit”, as the kids say.

Anyway, I don’t expect much of a game here.  It’ll be the Falcons by a mile. And no matter what happens, Matt Ryan will still be as personally compelling as a pair of white tube socks.

This is what you get when you Google Tube Socks.

This is what you get when you Google Tube Socks.

FALCONS
———-

SAINTS at COLTS

D.T.: So, the Colts didn’t do as badly against the Patriots as I thought. They still lost by seven, but Andrew Luck matched Tom Brady for 312 yards passing and 3 touchdowns. The kid proves that, when he’s healthy, he’s the best thing Indy’s got going. And once they get rid of Chuck Pagano and Pep Hamilton…

The super-geniuses behind whatever the FUCK this was supposed to be.

The super-geniuses behind whatever the FUCK this was supposed to be.

…things will get better. I think this season is Pagano’s swan song. If there’s any sort of reason and logic left in Irsay’s alcohol and coke-addled mind, he’ll make the right move and allow general manager Grigson to clean house. As for their match-up against the Saints, I don’t see the Saints staging a comeback after their win against the Falcons. Divisional games are always impossible to predict and often wildly inconsistent in their outcomes, and opportunities for struggling teams to take a win. The Colts will take the win on Sunday, though.

COLTS

BMK: Every time I watch a Colts game, I’m reminded of a scene in the Simpsons where Lisa is lecturing Springfield on TV about something, and one of the engineers in the booth turns to the producer and asks if he should cut her off. The producer says, “Not yet. I’m trying to get fired.” I think that’s where Pagano is at.  That’s the only explanation.

Good Lord...can you imagine having a 'You f'd up' meeting with this cat?

Good Lord…can you imagine having a ‘You f’d up’ meeting with this cat?

SAINTS

———-

VIKINGS at LIONS

D.T.: Remember what I said about divisional games being weird, and making certain teams look better than they are? Well, somehow Matt Stafford remember how to throw and found himself with the game of his season at 405 yards passing and a shocking 4 touchdowns. However, it was against the Bears’ defense, while Detroit’s own secondary allowed the Bears a head-scratching 34 points. When neither team can play defense, both offenses look amazing.

Even against that awful defense, the Vikings bottom-of-the-barrel passing game will struggle. This could turn out to be a very nice day for Adrian Peterson, and if he shows up and plays with patience and focus, he could be the key to a Vikings win, here. There’s always the threat of Stafford and Megatron connecting though, which makes this game a toss-up.

I’m leaning towards giving the Lions the benefit of the doubt in a divisional game at home.

LIONS

BMK: Whenever a good QB is struggling, the refrain you always hear is “Why don’t the coaches let so-and-so BE so-and-so!” On the surface, that’s a seductive idea. If you’re playing in the NFL, you have skills, so it makes sense that the coaches adapt their ideas to your skillsets. Makes sense right? Maximize the potential outcomes. Not all coaches do this, but with some people it doesn’t matter.

Take a guy like Jake Plummer. Had some success in AZ, but when things went south, everyone was saying, “Let Jake be Jake!” (as an aside, this refrain typically metamorphoses into “Give the backup a chance!”), meaning they should run more bootlegs, etc. The Cardinals tried it and it didn’t work.  Mostly because the team they surrounded Plummer with, frankly, stunk.

What does this have to do with the Lions and Vikings?  Well, last week Stafford had success playing more up tempo. It played to his strengths. I’m guessing the Lions will do more of that this week, but I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference, since the rest of the team is so damn bad.  I’m going with them this week since I have 0 faith in the Vikings, and the Lions are at home, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Vikings won.

LIONS

———-

STEELERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: For reasons unknown, the Cardinals simply stopped playing football in the second half of their visit to Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. In what ended up being a strange outcome, Michael Vick left the game with an injury and was showed up by the Steelers’ third string QB. Ironically, if Vick had stayed upright, the Cardinals might have secured a win even with the lethargic and lackadaisical way they finished the second half. If Tomlin is smart, he’ll start Landry at QB against the Chiefs, if Cheeseburger is still unavailable.

"But am I smart? The answer might surprise you!"

“But am I smart? The answer might surprise you!”

The Chiefs are struggling big-time after the loss of Jamaal Charles, and even a Steelers team with an uncertain offense shouldn’t have a terrible time securing a win, after seeing what they accomplished against Arizona’s secondary.

STEELERS

BMK: All hail Landry Jones.

STEELERS

———-

BROWNS at RAMS

D.T.: If someone could explain to me why, after watching the Denver Broncos and the Cleveland Browns struggle back and forth all the way into overtime, Kubiak’s new offense is still a good idea, I’ll buy them lunch.

"I'd love a free Chicken Parm, but... I got nothin'."

“I’d love a free Chicken Parm, but… I got nothin’.”

There’s no discernible reason why the Denver Broncos – even with Manning’s physical limitations and their struggling run game – should have had to fight so hard for wins against teams like Minnesota, Oakland and Cleveland. Each of these wins were due to defensive touchdowns, namely by Aqib Talib. Peyton Manning is now completely out of his element in a role that his career has played a role in defining in modern football. It’s a shame, but the Broncos are 6-0, so they’ll keep plugging away, and barely scraping by on chance…

Anyway, the Brows at Rams. The Rams defense will control this game, and they’ll take the dubya.

RAMS

BMK: I want to take the Browns just to be a contrarian.  Especially since I think Jeff Fisher doesn’t deserve the accolades and respect he seems to get. His regular season record as a head coach in the NFL is barely over 500, and the Rams have not been anything to write home to Mother about in years.

Pictured: Mark Davis's Notes from the last NFL Owner's Meetings in New York.

Pictured: Mark Davis’s Notes from the last NFL Owner’s Meetings in New York.

But, since this weekly picks column is something of a competition (and we need to actually decide on stakes one of these years), I’m going with the Rams since I don’t feel strong enough to take the Browns and risk falling further behind DT.

RAMS

———-

TEXANS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Another terrible game leaving Sunday Ticket subscribers asking themselves questions like “Why?”, “Huh?” and “What the fuck?”

This one’s going to be a shootout. Both Ryan Tannehill and Brian Hoyer are capable of pumping out yards and touchdowns against weak opposition, and that’s what both of these teams are coming up against. It’s a game even diehards can skip without feeling guilty, unless you’re compulsive and a Sunday completionist.

Or being paid a comical amount of money to physically be there.

Or being paid a comical amount of money to physically be there.

I give this one to the Texans, when it come down to brass tacks. JJ Watt is due for a signature game this season, and it could be this one.

TEXANS

BMK:  They need to offer discounted beer to anyone at this game with a full set of teeth.

I don't have enough guts to Google missing teeth, so here's Kat Dennings.

I don’t have enough guts to Google missing teeth, so here’s Kat Dennings.

TEXANS

———-

JETS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: This one’s my GAME OF THE WEEK! Why? Because even when the Jets were terrible, even when Rex Ryan was the head coach, the Jets have always found ways to make the Patriots’ day difficult. Now that they’ve actually found themselves a great head coach, have a dynamite defense and they’re playing all-around great football, they’ve got a real chance to beat the Patriots, even in Foxborough.

"Yeah, why don't you say that to my face, D.T.?"

“Yeah, why don’t you say that to my face, D.T.?”

"The Jets have a real chance to beat you, Tom."

“The Jets have a real chance to beat you, Tom.”

"..."

“…”

Revis Island is playing lights-out, Fitzpatrick is playing decent football, and I’m actually going to pick the Jets for the upset this week!

JETS

BMK: After last week’s Kat-a-palooza, my mother asked me why DT and I never post pictures of ourselves in our column. I think you know why now.

"DT's so much better looking than you, Krol."

“DT’s so much better looking than you, Krol.”

PATRIOTS

———-

RAIDERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: It is utterly staggering how much of San Diego’s successes and failures depend upon Philip Rivers. Love him or hate him, he IS the Chargers. But, one man can’t make an entire team — he threw for an incredible 503 yards and 2 touchdown passes in Lambeau last week, but the San Diego squad as a whole couldn’t pull it together and secure a win. If Rivers was under center in a better team, he’d be terrifying.

"I think I'm pretty scary as it is. RAWR!"

“I think I’m pretty scary as it is. RAWR!”

This week, they play host to divisional… well, not really rivals, but divisional acquaintances, the Oakland Raiders. Let’s face it, this is Rivers’ game to win or lose. If he can pump out passes and points at a higher rate than Derek Carr and Amari Cooper, they can win this. I’m betting on the crazy guy with 12 kids.

"Twelve? Last time I counted, I only counted this many."

“Twelve? Last time I counted, I only counted this many.”

CHARGERS

BMK: I’m taking the Raiders this week. Why? BECAUSE I’M FUCKING CRAZY!

RAIDERS

———-

COWBOYS at GIANTS

D.T.: The ‘Boys are coming off a bye, which would be helpful if all their biggest stars just needed some bed rest and hot tea. And after the way the Giants played last week against the Eagles, I think they believed they were on a bye, too. I drew a chart that I feel illustrates Monday night’s game between the Eagles and Giants.

"The fact that the drop isn't at a 90 degree angle is me being nice."

“The fact that the drop isn’t at a 90 degree angle is me being nice.”

We can expect more of the same, come Sunday afternoon. Nothing about either team currently screams for attention, and I think it’s fair to say that there’s a morbid curiosity to see just how the Giants will manage to defeat themselves this time. Still, what’s left of the Cowboys will be coming in rested, while the Giants are coming off a devastating divisional loss in front of a record-high national audience.

COWBOYS

BMK: This is the game that gets all the advertisers all atwitter. Dallas vs. New York? Somewhere a guy that idolizes Don Draper just got the flopsweats.

Unfortunately, Dallas sort of stinks right now. If they were at full strength, Dallas would win handily. But no Romo and no Dez equals no victory for Dallas. Sorry kids. It’s just not your week.

GIANTS

———-

EAGLES at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Eagles did a thing and won the thing, and the Panthers did it, too. The Panthers did it in a difficult environment, and made a much bigger splash in the league doing it. They’re also still in the undefeated club, and playing pretty decent football, against all predictions, while the Eagles continue on without a sense of identity or leadership. I give it to the Panthers in this one, and I prematurely credit Riverboat Ron’s willingness to gamble being a factor over Chip Kelly really having no idea what he’s doing, but refusing to admit it.

PANTHERS

BMK: The Panthers are playing at a high level right now. I’m not sure where they’re going to lose, but it won’t be to Chip Kelly and Sam “INTERCEPTION MACHINE” Bradford!

PANTHERS

Apparently, Kat doesn't like me goofing on Sam Bradford.

Apparently, Kat doesn’t like me goofing on Sam Bradford.

———-

RAVENS at CARDINALS

D.T.: This week wraps up with a Bird Bowl between the Ravens and the Cardinals in Glendale, Arizona. Both of these teams are their own worst enemy, and whoever can overcome their internal issues will be the one to win. Arizona’s ballhawking defense needs to settle in with less focus on every playing being massive, and more on containing the offense and forcing punts. Their offense needs to figure out a way to score on red zone opportunities. The yardage is there (in spades) but the failure to close the deal and produce points was one of the keys to their downfall in Pittsburgh last week.

That, and ruining a sure thing by taking this guy out of the equation.

That, and ruining a sure thing by taking this guy out of the equation.

The Ravens’ defense, one of the most feared in the league, is struggling in a big way. They’re allowing more points to offenses – even those with problems scoring – than Flacco and his unit can produce. Red zone production from the Cardinals is the absolute key to an Arizona win, and any failure to take care of business probably can’t be credited too much to Baltimore’s defense. If Carson Palmer can take all those passing yards and put them into the endzone, Arizona can take this in a rout.

CARDINALS

BMK: Last week’s game broke my heart.  As DT alluded to, the Cardinals seemed to be trying to get a knockout punch with every play. You just can’t do that with really good teams. And Pittsburgh, despite their issues, is a good team.

The Ravens, however, are not a good team. Flacco is playing like garbage and Steve Smith is a shadow of his former self. I don’t see the Ravens winning this week, but then again, I didn’t see the Steelers winning either. If the Ravens can get some turnovers, the Cardinals are done. Can they? It wouldn’t surprise me.

RAVENS

———-

DT: There’s light at the end of the tunnel, dear reader. This week isn’t great, but next week has some diamonds amid piles of coal. Bengals at Steelers will be a solid match-up, if Cheeseburger is back and in gametime form. The Seahawks and Cowboys should be a delightfully weird game, and Packers at Broncos will be the crown jewel of next week’s schedule. Well, hopefully…

Keep reading and listening, folks! We’ll be back next week!

 

BMK: Next week we’ll be doing a mid-season report on the podcast. Unless my brain craps out again…

Anyway, thanks for supporting us.  Without you, this column wouldn’t exist.

So, if you think about, this whole mishegoss is your fault.

So there!

So there!

See you next week!

This post was written and compiled while listening to mathcore. Probably.

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 24, 2015 at 1:12 pm

4th and Krol: Week Six Picks

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Week Six: It's time for the picks!

Week Six: It’s time for the picks!

DT: Krol, we’re getting pretty good at this. Aside from not being able to know when dudes are getting injured, our picks are getting better. Or, least mine are. For anyone keeping score, I’m now three picks head of Krol, after winning both weeks 4 and 5 and coming from behind. And to top it off, I also predicted that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys in brutal fashion, and that Aaron Rodgers’ streak of no interceptions at home would come to an end against the Rams.

"Oh yeahhhh, you're a real Nostra-fuckin'-damus."

“Oh yeahhhh, you’re a real Nostra-fuckin’-damus.”

There’s a lot to talk about this week, both here in the column, as well as our weekly podcast. We’ll get deep into some of the more serious issues when we cast our pod in your faces, and get right into the picks here in the text. WEEK SIX! It’s gonna be fuck-awful, folks!
BMK: So I’m writing this on Friday night. Again.  But this time I’m writing this in a hotel room. See, I was down in LA this week watching movies to later review over at Andersonvision.com (plug plug).  While I was here, a torrential downpour sent mudslides all over the main road out of town. Now I know what you’re thinking, one night me and the cute girl from marketing drank mudslides at TGI Fridays until she found out about my UTI, so it’s all good!  Listen up Dockers: it’s not all good. I’m now trapped in a hotel in Glendale, CA, with wifi speeds that were state-of-the-art a few years before DARPANet debuted. Long story short: I’m feeling even more salty than usual.

Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn't call her...

Kat Realizing that I was in LA and didn’t call her…

ON TO THE PICKS!
———-

FALCONS at SAINTS

D.T.: And we kick things off with a terribly one-sided divisional match-up. The Saints are now in a pit too deep for even Brees to pull them out. Going into week six, it’s about that time where hopes and goals are a thing of the past, and it’s time to split focus between salvaging what’s left, and planning for next season. If the Saints are smart, that first round pick they got from Seattle can turn into something.

"Can we draft a new offensive coordinator?"

“Can we draft a new offensive coordinator?”

Ryan Douche

This week, they’re up against a a 5-0 divisional rival in the Falcons. Atlanta is playing every game like that rout they had against Tampa in September of last year. They’re on one hell of a hot streak, and the Saints just don’t stand a chance. Expect Devonta Freeman and Matty Ice to pull off another couple touchdowns a piece.

FALCONS
BMK: If you read my intro paragraph, you’d know that I’m writing this on Friday.  For all of our readers in Florida, this means that the Thursday night game already happened.  Since Thursday comes before Friday.

Anyway, I picked the Falcons.  And you know what? You would’ve too!

I need a cupcake to salve my wounded psyche.

I need a cupcake to salve my wounded psyche.

FALCONS

———-

REDSKINS at JETS

D.T.: The Redskins are kind of like the horror movie villain that you think is dead, then they come back later for another go-round. They managed to off the Eagles in week three, then lost to the Falcons in week five. This time around, they’re getting picked apart by the Jets defense. Mastermind Todd Bowles has put together a secondary that’s simply too good for the Redskins offense that topped off at total 51 yards rushing in week 5.

"We'd get more yards if all those dudes weren't in the way."

“We’d get more yards if all those dudes weren’t in the way.”

It’s going to be another win for the Jets in their crusade to shake things up in the Northeastern part of the country.

JETS
BMK: Todd Bowles have the Jets flying in the right direction.  The Redskins are still hot garbage. And they always will be with Dan Snyder at the controls.

JETS

"Don't make that pun again, Krol."

“Don’t make that pun again, Krol.”

———-

CARDINALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Monday night’s display between the Steelers and Chargers was the first this season that I’ve simply given up on and turned off. I got up at 6am last Sunday to watch the London game, and had a better time watching the Jets pound the Dolphins than I did watching the Pittsburgh and San Diego stumble around aimlessly, committing the most fundamental of fouls and mistakes. Fuck Mike Tomlin; Ben Roethlisberger, love him or hate him, is the foundation of that team, and they’re losing focus without him.

"I ain't afraid to try and trip you, D.T."

“I ain’t afraid to try and trip you, D.T.”

There’s talk of him returning early to play the Cardinals this week, and either QB choice for Pittsburgh – an injured Ben or a Mike Vick with no pocket awareness – is a very shaky one at best. Arizona’s spent the week following their win in Detroit on the East coast to stay fresh, and that secondary is going to take full advantage of whatever scenario plays out for Pittsburgh. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers defense has struggled to contain offenses, and with Carson Palmer and his receivers as hot as they are, I expect Red to dominate Yellow this Sunday.

CARDINALS

BMK: When I lived in Pittsburgh, I’d go shopping down at this area of town called the Strip District.  This is where all the Italian grocers were, which included the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company, home of the greatest cheese counter ever.

"Seriously...isn't this amazing?"

“Seriously…isn’t this amazing?”

Why am I bringing this up?  Because there was a hole in the wall store down there that sells all manner of Steelers merchandise, including some real stupid shit.  Anyway, they blasted the Steelers fight song so loud that Slayer told them to turn it down.  Honest to God! Slayer!  That song is like two-and-a-half minutes long too.  Which means that whichever poor bastard that works there hears the same song 192 times a day. At some point, that dude is going to snap, shoot up a Primantis chanting, “Here we go!” while giggling and shitting himself.

Pictured: Typical Steelers Fan.

Pictured: Typical Steelers Fan.

Who am I picking?  I like the Cardinals in this one. Which means they’re going to lose in an ignominious fashion. That said, every time someone sacks Mike Vick in this game, I’m donating 20 bucks to PETA.  If someone ends Vick’s season, that’s $500. And yeah, I don’t give a fuck. That man is scum.

CARDINALS

PS: I lived in Pittsburgh when they played the Cardinals in the Superbowl. I think I caused the Cardinals loss, but that’s a long story…

"Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life."

“Seriously, no one cares about your weird personal life.”

———-

CHIEFS at VIKINGS

D.T.: The Chiefs suffered a devastating blow last week against the Bears, as superstar Running Back Jamaal Charles is finished for the season after an ACL tear. Knile Davis is dependable RB2, but the one-two combination of a week five loss against a bottom-level opponent like the Bears and the absence of their star is enough to drop them into a free fall. This’ll allow the well-rested Vikings to contain the Chiefs. If Teddy can bring it and keep his defense off the field for any longer than necessary, the Vikings can win this one on sheer will alone.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m not sold on Bridgewater. Luckily, they rank 2nd in the NFL for rushing yards, so they won’t have to rely on him to beat the reeling Chiefs, who’s rushing defense ranks nearly last in the NFL.

Holy crap! That was actual football analysis! Wonders will never cease.

VIKINGS

"Wait...Krol's actually using analysis?"

“Wait…Krol’s actually using analysis?”

———-

BENGALS at BILLS

Is there any team hotter than the Bengals right now? Let’s check the Cincinnati city thermometer and see:

Very red, as I suspected.

Very red, as I suspected.

Cincinnati’s game against Seattle was far and away the best and most exciting. That forceful overtime drive for a field goal to win was a statement that the Bengals aren’t fucking around this year. Well, until the first round of the playoffs, but that’s a long ways off! They’re up against the Bills this week – a team still making a statement of their own, and looking to knock off one of the 5-0 teams in the league. I think it’s fair to expect Buffalo to come out playing nasty, aggressive football, and there will be flags.

"Now let's go get a goddamned milkshake."

“Now let’s go get a goddamned milkshake.”

Andy Dalton is playing incredible football right now, and I see his offense overcoming the aggression of Buffalo’s secondary. The Bengals take a win this week.

BENGALS

BMK: This is an interesting matchup. Credit where credit is due, the Bengals came back against Seattle in the 4th Quarter. On the whole, I think that says more about where Seattle is than where Bengals are, but either way, that’s no mean feat. Anyway, Dalton plays well during the early part of the season, but then, like my chances of ever having a decent career, he slowly degenerates.

"What? No ' I Drink your milkshake,' Krol?"

“What? No ‘ I Drink your milkshake,’ joke Krol?”

I’d love to pick the Bills here, since Rex Ryan has that defense playing very well, but I don’t trust Tyrod Taylor. At all.

BENGALS

———-

BEARS at LIONS

D.T.: Ugh, fuck me… as much as their fans would argue, both the NFC North and the NFC South are proof that the divisions in the league need a shake-up. Regardless of the fact that they’re pretty much the only two divisions that make geographical sense, it’s unfair for the rest of the country to be subjected to their divisional games so many times a season.

I can’t even decide who to pick, because both of these teams are so fucking bad. I guess the Lions? They couldn’t lose two home games in a row, right? At some point, they have to win ONE game, and it may as well be this one.

LIONS

BMK: The only thing that Lions prove is that God hates Detroit.

"Hmmm...does God actually hate Detroit? Or does he channel his contempt for humankind into Matt Stafford's interception to touchdown ratio?"

“Hmmm…does God actually hate Detroit? Or does he channel his contempt for humankind into Matt Stafford’s interception to touchdown ratio?”

BEARS

———-

BRONCOS at BROWNS

D.T.: Denver kept the winning streak alive last week against the Raiders, thanks to another defensive touchdown. The fact that the Oakland Raiders gave Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos a run for their money last week shows how confusing the Broncos are as a team, this year. Peyton Manning still can’t get a real handle on that new offense, but Denver’s top-ranked secondary will be more than enough to contain whichever quarterback Cleveland decides to play.

 

Cleveland’s run defense has been terrible, so it’s a day for CJ Anderson and Ronnie Hillman to really step up and power that Broncos offense. If Peyton can swallow a little of his pride and offensive coordinator Rick Dennison can pull his head out and run the ball, Denver should take this.

BRONCOS

BMK: Some wags are talking up the Browns here.  Are they fucking insane?

"Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?"

“Really? He took the Browns? Over the Broncos?”

BROWNS

———-

TEXANS at JAGUARS

D.T.: The NFL is either trying to tell me to drink more, or drink less. I can’t decide which it is, with this game. I’m going to assume it’s drink more. Thank fuck the Cardinals are playing a meaningful match-up during this block of games. Um… shit, I don’t know. Jaguars? Why not.

JAGUARS

BMK: Putin is going to make political prisoners watch this game.

"You expected someone else?"

“You expected someone else?”

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at TITANS

D.T.: What the fuck, NFL. I mean, seriously. Fuckin’… Titans, I suppose? Yeah, that sounds right. Titans. The Dolphins new head coach is doing some fun things with the team like making them run high school drills and making Suh show up just to hold everyone’s water, but like my partner said last week, it’s going to take way more than a Tight End coach (and a bye week) to turn that mess of a team around.

TITANS
BMK: Putin is watching this game himself. Because he’s a sick fuck!

"This guy. This guy, always takes the Titans at home."

“This guy. This guy, always takes the Titans at home.”

TITANS
———-

PANTHERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Why do I feel like we’ve already seen these two teams play? Weird. Anyway, the Seahawks lost to the Bengals last week, who were out to prove that their undefeated season so far is legitimate. They did so in very entertaining fashion, and have sent Seattle back to CenturyLink to lick their wounds at 2-3. Carolina comes to visit this week with a kind of shocking 4-0 record, looking to protect that goose egg they’ve got in their loss column.

Cam Newton's head is also shaped exactly like a goose egg. Conspiracy?!

Cam Newton’s head is also shaped exactly like a goose egg. Conspiracy?!

The Seahawks are discombobulated this season, and their one undeniable strength is Russell Wilson’s ability to scramble and keep a play alive. I feel like their entire team is now dependent on that, and it’s truly dangerous to constantly have your quarterback in that position. It’ll take Wilson getting injured before that coaching staff wakes the fuck up and kicks the shit out of that offensive line. With a Carolina defense that isn’t half bad (currently ranked in the top 10), and eagerly awaiting to return of Luke Kuechly this week, they’ll be all over Wilson. Dude better have that Morphine Drink ready. I say the Panthers cause an upset (would this even be considered an upset?) and land a narrow win in Seattle.

PANTHERS

BMK: I feel like Jules here at the end of Pulp Fiction. See, I want to believe that the Seahawks are on their way down, and that Carolina are going to take them down. But that aint the truth. The truth is that Russell Wilson talks to God on a regular basis, and God apparently tells him to slowly turn into a megadouche head case.  Either way, I don’t see the Panthers winning this game. I’d love to be wrong, but I’m not. Plus I need to make up for my insane Browns pick. So I’m going with the safe bet.

"Nanobubbles, you say?"

“Nanobubbles, you say?”

SEAHAWKS

———-

CHARGERS at PACKERS

D.T.: San Diego, I want that hour and a half I wasted on Monday night back, with interest. You’ve been coasting on Philip Rivers for way too long, you’re underutilizing a stellar runner in Melvin Gordon, and you had Antonio Gates out for entire drives when the man was clearly hungry for a massive return. Your mismanagement matched that of Pittsburgh’s, and you could have won that game with better coaching and play calling. Green Bay is the superior team, and there’s no way San Diego will take a win in Lambeau.

PACKERS

BMK: I feel bad for Philip Rivers.

Wait. No I don’t. F that guy.

But DT was right, that Monday night game was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.

"I CARE about Philip Rivers!"

“You don’t care about Philip Rivers? Well I CARE about Philip Rivers!”

PACKERS

———-

RAVENS at NINERS

D.T.: A Super Bowl XLVII rematch will fill up the hour of pregame commentary before the kick-off. Even though it feels like 90% of that Super Bowl Niners team is gone. Both of these teams have fallen from grace, and one of them will leave Levi’s Stadium with a 1-5 record. Many were quick to say that perhaps San Francisco is on the upswing after that close loss against the Giants last week.

Those many are mostly Kaepernick's parents. And in case you're wondering about the nose, yes, he was adopted.

Those many are mostly Kaepernick’s parents. And in case you’re wondering about the nose, yes, he was adopted.

I don’t know if I agree with them, but I think the Niners have a genuine chance against the Ravens, who just lost to the BROWNS in a relatively high scoring game. I actually kind of hope the Niners win this one, mostly because the Santa Clara police need a break.

NINERS

BMK: I love this matchup. Because one of these teams has to come away with a win (though, please God, please, let this be a tie…), and not matter who wins, neither is going anywhere but down.  That tickles my black heart.

One thing’s for sure though, no matter what happens during the game, Tomsula is going to spend the afternoon looking like a guy getting a prostate exam.

"No you're not Kat...Nobody likes Tomsula."

“No you’re not Kat…Nobody likes Tomsula.”

NINERS
———-

PATRIOTS at COLTS

D.T.: This one’s not going to be fun, Colts fans. Chuck Pagano’s been talking about how much he liked having Hasselbeck under center, and now the Colts are looking at shifting things around in the Indy offense. Even with Andrew Luck returning from an injury. The last thing that team needs – amongst in-fighting between the coach and general manager – is some kind of bullshit quarterback controversy or a desire to tinker with the offense. You want to tinker with Indianapolis’s offense? Fucking fire Pep Hamilton, install a new offensive coordinator that will play on Andrew Luck’s strengths, and sign some younger, proven talent. Signing old veterans left and right only works if you’ve got a solid coaching staff that understands and can work with the strengths and weaknesses of each player.

You’ve got to pull your shit together, Indy. You’re in for a massive beating from the Patriots this week, and I can’t help but think it’ll drive you even further into madness instead of being the motivation you need to right the ship.

PATRIOTS

BMK: The Patriots are going to destroy the Colts.  Right now they’re 10 point favorites.  I don’t think they’ll win by that big of a margin, but they’re going to win. Brady is playing very well and there isn’t anyone on the Colts defense—nay, THE WORLD—that can stop Gronk. So Brady will just chuck the ball at Gronk and Gronk will score.  Then Tom Brady will go back to his palatial estate and make homeless men fight killer robots while he and his buddy Putin watch and artisanal popcorn.

Do I have to explain this one?

Do I have to explain this one?

PATRIOTS

———-

GIANTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Sam Bradford tossed three nice-looking touchdowns against the Redskins on Sunday, but even that wasn’t enough to force a win against a beatable opponent. Eli Manning matched him with three scoring passes of his own, and only narrowly beat the broken Niners. New York and Philadelphia mirror each other in a lot of ways, this season: old, arguably out of touch head coaches that probably won’t be around much longer, quarterbacks that show signs of greatness on special occasion, and great talent on offenses that struggle to put together drives.

This division is ripe for the taking for either of these two teams, with the Cowboys wounded and the Redskins… doing whatever it is the Redskins are doing.

""Whatever we're doing, we're doin' it cheaply!""

“Whatever we’re doing, we’re doin’ it cheaply!”

But neither seem equipped to make a meaningful surge forward. It’ll be interesting to see which of these teams, somewhat stuck in the mud, will edge out the other in this prime time showing. Each divisional win is a chance to put more distance between themselves and Dallas before Romo returns, and for that reason I’m calling this my Game of the Week. I don’t expect a spectacular game, but it’s definitely the most intriguing. As for who wins? I think the Giants edge out the Eagles by a single possession, mostly because I think the talent New York has on their offense will compensate for the weaknesses elsewhere.

GIANTS

BMK: I aint buying the Eagles. I don’t care how “good” Sam Bradford looked.  The Eagles are crap. I’m sure Chip Kelly is just trolling the league now.

"I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo's system, but you wouldn't stop staring and drooling."

“I told you that once Eli got used to three-step drops that he would excel in Macadoo’s system, but you wouldn’t stop staring and drooling.”

That said, the Giants are looking pretty good. Eli seems to have figured a few things out and is playing much better in Macadoo’s system. After starting 0-2 this year, they might be on their way to winning the division.

GIANTS

———-

The good news is, we’re halfway through October and all that pink shit on the field will soon be gone again. The bad news is, this slump in interesting games won’t end until week eight. But then we’ll see the Seahawks and Cowboys square off in Dallas, and the Packers take on the Broncos at Mile High. In the meantime, Krol and I will continue turning coal into diamonds, shit into gold, and alcohol into entertainment!

"It's more profitable if you just sell the shit, as is."

“It’s more profitable if you just sell the shit, as is.”

Thanks for reading (and listening!) folks!

 

BMK: We’re halfway through October and this month can’t end fast enough. Oi vey.

Podcast will return next week. Hope you all check it out. And thanks for reading and listening.

And with that, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

 

15a4fd07421a476a706cc6a48de25bf9e9e985cd59084cb7c91374499446aae7

How I feel about mudslides and LA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, yeah…

This was written and compiled listening to the Bouncing Souls, and a little voice in my head saying, “Dude, you need to get this done, DT puts in too much effort every week for you to slack off.”

 

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 18, 2015 at 1:28 am

Posted in Uncategorized

4th and Krol: NFL Picks Week Five

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Week Five: So ALIVE! Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy...

Week Five: So ALIVE!
Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…

D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.

Batman

ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.

This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is.  That guy really grinds my gears.

Anyway…on to the picks!

———-

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.

A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.

COLTS

BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.

Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.

TEXANS

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud, but who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead.

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…

Update: I’m finishing this Saturday morning and the Colts won. Goddamn it…

———-

BEARS at CHIEFS

D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.

CHIEFS

BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs.  They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage.  Even with Jay Cutler.

CHIEFS

———-

SEAHAWKS at BENGALS

D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.

Nah, it's cool bro! I've got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It's called morphine!

Nah, it’s cool bro! I’ve got a new-new drink that has no-pain-bubbles. It’s called morphine!

Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.

BENGALS

BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh?  Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule.  And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:

  • You’re an idiot
  • I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!

The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh!  Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes.  Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.

I hope it’s this Sunday.

BENGALS

Pictured: The Author

Pictured: The Author

———-

REDSKINS at FALCONS

D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.

FALCONS

BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.

Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.

FALCONS

———-

JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.

BUCCANEERS

BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.

JAGUARS

———-

SAINTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.

SAINTS

BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).

This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year.  But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).

So where am I going with this?  Shut up, that’s where!

SAINTS

———-

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.

"I ain't sayin' the mofucka's dead, but... mofucka's dead."

“I ain’t sayin’ the mofucka’s dead, but… mofucka’s dead.”

The Ravens will win, by the way.

RAVENS

BMK: Flacco vs McCown? Baltimore vs Cleveland? Ugh. Someone pass me the goddamn whiskley…

RAVENS

———-

RAMS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.

"It was like prom, all over again."

“It was like prom, all over again.”

I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.

PACKERS

BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else.  Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.

The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable.  But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game.   The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.

RAMS
———-

BILLS at TITANS

D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).

"Actually D.T., we're running on pure fuck you."

“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”

They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.

BILLS

BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?

That’s all I got for this game.

BILLS

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

———-

CARDINALS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.

CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination.  But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.

Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.

PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.

PATRIOTS
———-

BRONCOS at RAIDERS

D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.

Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.

Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…

“Don’t, Krol.”

“Don’t, Krol.”

Okay, okay…

BRONCOS

———-

NINERS at GIANTS

D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he'll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.

GIANTS

BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating.  Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.

GIANTS

———-

STEELERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.

"..."

“…”

The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.

Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.

BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.

—–

D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.

 

"It's super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!"

“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”

BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…

 

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.

Inaugural 4th And Krol Podcast

with one comment

DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns.  Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones.  And DT too, I guess.

It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…

Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator.  This should be fixed now.  Enjoy!

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 9, 2015 at 10:04 pm

4th and Krol: Picks, Week the 4th!

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D.T.: Things fall apart. The Steelers have lost Cheeseburger to the QB-eating machine that is the Rams defense, the Cowboys already show signs of struggle without Bryant and Romo, and the 49ers had a swift reality check after thinking they were going to bounce back. Dreams of playoff runs burst like fireworks in the night.

"Really?"

“Really?”

It was an absolutely brutal week for a lot of teams, filled with injuries to players, heartbreak for fans, and pure comedy for me and Krol. There was also that game between the Lions and Broncos that was just painful for everyone, and there was nothing funny about it.

BMK: So far, the quality of football this season has sort of sucked. I’m not sure if it’s just the schedule getting the dreck out of the way or if the sport has taken a step back.  That’s possible. It happened to basketball, post-Jordan and pre-Lebron.  Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s Goodell’s fault.

"Don't blame me for the Colts, Krol."

“Don’t blame me for the Colts, Krol.”

———-
RAVENS at STEELERS
D.T.: Here’s where the Ravens start to turn things around, at least for a little while. What should have been a rough divisional match this week has been made much softer with the removal of Roethlisberger from the equation. The Ravens haven’t been a bad team this season, just one with shitty luck. Last week’s game against the Bengals was pretty spectacular on both sides, with some of the craziest tackle shedding I’ve seen in ages. Any more amazing and the players would have been shooting off sparks.

"Dude, what the fuck is this?"

“Dude, what the fuck is this?”

Now the Ravens get to direct all of that ferocity and pent up desire for a win against an ailing rival. Yes, Mike Vick is a good QB2, but I guarantee that offense doesn’t operate like it does with Big Ben taking snaps. Expect the Ravens secondary to take back their good name.

RAVENS

BMK: I’m writing this on Saturday.  But I feel pretty good about my pick.

STEELERS

"Really?"

“Really?”

I’m kidding. I picked the Ravens. I have the text I sent to DT if you don’t believe me. Really.

RAVENS

———-

JETS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Dolphins are on a losing-to-lesser-teams-tour, and the next stop is a massively disappointing display against their rivals, the New York Jets. The only good thing about this game is the fact that it’s being played in London, so it technically doesn’t count, right? The Jets are on a meteoric rise, and the hire of head coach Todd Bowles is a boost the team desperately needed after the fiasco that was Rex Ryan, last season. The Dolphins will continue their dud of a season.

"So that's how this week is going down, huh?"

“So that’s how this week is going down, huh?”

JETS

BMK: London games are so hard to predict.  What do you expect, making the players—some of whom went to schools like FSU—play in a foreign country where they don’t speak the language.

 

"I’m going to ring the authorities and have them deal with this cheeky arsehole Krol. Right after I scoff an apple."

“I’m going to ring the authorities and have them deal with this cheeky arsehole Krol. Right after I scoff an apple.”

Anyway, the Jets are on an upswing. So long as Brandon Marshall doesn’t lateral the ball to anyone this week, I like their odds here.

JETS

———-

JAGUARS at COLTS

D.T.: The Jags had a nice time beating the Dolphins in week two, but like a great Fourth of July display, all good things must come to an end.

"Why are you doing this?"

“Why are you doing this?”

They lost in devastating fashion against the Patriots last week, and the Colts’ middling efforts at an early season comeback will continue with a win on Sunday. Maybe we’ll be fortunate enough to see Andrew Luck go rogue against an easy opponent and prove to Pep Hamilton what a terrible Offensive Coordinator he is.

COLTS

BMK: The Colts have to win sometime, right?

COLTS

———-

GIANTS at BILLS

D.T.: A fun match-up here. With the way things are going, I’m inclined to think that the Bills defense will strike hard, and light up Eli Manning’s offense.

"Ugh..."

“Ugh…”

The Bills have been ferocious so far this season, and even gave the Patriots a run for their money, while the Giants’ offense and game management have been less than stellar. If the Giants give the Bills any quarter, Buffalo will run away with it. And given history as an example thus far, I’m comfortable making that my prediction.

BILLS

BMK: The only person the Giants scare is DT, and that’s only when he Googles John Pierre Paul. Rex Ryan has the Bills going in the right direction and I think they take care of the Giants this week.

BILLS

———-

PANTHERS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Last week, the Panthers were all but promised a win, when Drew Brees was ruled out with an injury. And that’s what they got, even if they failed to set the world on fire with their victory.

"I'm not even paying attention anymore."

“I’m not even paying attention anymore.”

The Bucs, on the other hand, lost out to the Texans defense, just as I suspected. As with any NFC South game, we can expect a Battle of the Bad, but I think Cam’s poise will win over Winston’s bravado, and the Panthers’ defense will help secure the win.

PANTHERS

BMK: The Panthers do nothing for me here. NOTHING! So, I’m taking the Bucs in my Upset Special of the Week!

BUCCANEERS

———-

EAGLES at REDSKINS

D.T.: The Eagles, somehow and someway, pulled a win away from a defense that’s been blowing away the opposition.

"..."

“…”

Is it the start of an upswing for the Philly squad? Was it a fluke win fueled by sheer determination and emotion? Or is just impossible to predict the Eagles this season? Well, against the Redskins, I think it’s fair to predict another win.

EAGLES

BMK: Oh my god, is this matchup a stinker.  Who the hell would watch this game?

This guy, I guess...

This guy, I guess…

Anyway, this game is basically unwatchable trash for a variety of reasons. I’m taking the Eagles since … well, crap. I have no idea. I’m going with my gut. And when has that ever steered me wrong?

EAGLES

———-

RAIDERS at BEARS

D.T.: Raiders. Boom.

"You didn't even fucking TRY on that one!"

“You didn’t even fucking TRY on that one!”

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are doing a lot of good things this year. Derek Carr looks like he could be the real deal, and Amari Cooper looks like a young Larry Fitzgerald. Chicago, on the other hand, looks like the stuff that comes out of Harry Dean Stanton after a night of drinking whiskey and doing Molly.

RAIDERS

———-

TEXANS at FALCONS

D.T.: I have to say, Matt Stafford looked composed as he threw for 285 yards and a pair of touchdowns on Sunday — even if it was against a tenderized Cowboys squad. The real star of the show, however, was Devonta Freeman, who found the end zone three times. He gave a performance that one would easily call explosive.

"Saw that one coming."

“Saw that one coming.”

If the Falcons can maintain that focus against the Texans’ defense, I see them taking another win this week, and maybe even being considered a contender for this ailing division.

FALCONS
BMK: The Falcons are the best team in the NFC South.  Which is like being the best break dancer in a minefield.

Don’t get that metaphor? Neither do I!

FALCONS

After that nonsense, you deserve this:

It's so hypnotic...

It’s so hypnotic…

———-

CHIEFS at BENGALS

D.T.: It was a foregone conclusion that the Chiefs would lose last week in Lambeau. Aaron Rodgers kept the no-interception-streak alive, despite one minor scare, and outside of some poor game management and slowing down on Green Bay’s part, they kept the game well in-hand.

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on that one, asshole."

“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on that one, asshole.”

With the Bengals playing as well as they are, the the Chiefs finding ways to lose games, I expect the Red Rifle and his band of tigers to secure another home win and come out… dare I say it… 4-0.

BENGALS

BMK: The Bengals are on a hot streak, that’s for sure.  With Roethlisberger out, the Ravens sucking, and the Browns being the Browns, they’re going to run away with the AFC North.

———-

BROWNS at CHARGERS

D.T.: I wasn’t wrong for picking the Browns/Raiders as my game of the week. The game ended up being pretty damned exciting, considering both teams were fighting NOT to lose to the other. The Raiders continue to impress and show a spark of greatness on both sides of the ball.

"Man, you already used SPARK!"

“Man, you already used SPARK!”

Wait, shit… I’m supposed to say something about the Browns here. Well, they’ll maybe not lose too badly to the Chargers? By the way, I thought about driving out to this game for no other reason than field-level tickets, right behind the bench on the 50 yard line are going for $250. That’s cheaper than fucking Rams tickets last season.

CHARGERS
BMK: DT and I were thinking about attending this game (see above), but then he fell ill and my cat needed 1500 bucks worth of Thyroid therapy. A shame. I was hoping to live out my inner Hunter S. Thompson and turn in a Fear and Loathing version of this column. Oh well—such is life.

Oh, yeah, I need to pick this game. Uh…Chargers.

"Don't drag me into your nightmare existence, Krol."

“Don’t drag me into your nightmare existence, Krol.”

———-

PACKERS at NINERS

D.T.:

Packers fans: get there late, enjoy a quick beer and leave before the end of the fourth quarter. Your team is going to win – big time – and you don’t want to be anywhere near groups of Niners fans when it happens. Levi Stadium will be set to go off like a powder keg.

"That one was actually pretty good."

“That one was actually pretty good.”

PACKERS

BMK: I’ve actually thought about attending a game at Levi’s Stadium. A few things hold me back. 1) It’s a nightmare to get there from where I live in the Bay Area, 2) I’d have to root for the other team, which would open me up to getting my legs ripped off by thickheaded 49ers fans. Seriously, it’s like Lord of the Flies down there.

Anyway, the Packers are going to kill the 49ers.  Incidentally, you cannot imagine the angst and consternation the Cardinals victory caused on Bay Area sports radio. As a Cardinals fan, it was delicious.

PACKERS

———-

RAMS at CARDINALS

D.T.: You might have noticed a theme running through my part of the column this week. It’s not because I’m a complete dick and have no cares when it comes to serious injuries that could have been prevented by being a responsible adult. It’s in tribute to the St. Louis Rams, who failed spectacularly this week in trying to speed up their move to LA by burning down their fucking stadium with fireworks.

Everyone knows you're supposed to start the fire in the opposing team's locker room. Come on!

Everyone knows you’re supposed to start the fire in the opposing team’s locker room. Come on!

When their plan blew up in their faces…

"Yeah, I hate you again."

“Yeah, I hate you again.”

…they took out their frustration on Ben Roethlisberger, and took out his knee, as they are wont to do with opposing QBs. This ensures the Cardinals’ win streak will carry on into week 6, when they face a Ben-less Steelers squad after defeating the Rams this week and the Lions after that. Seriously, even I’m shocked at how solid the Cardinals look on both sides of the line. I was worried and already calling out their new defensive coordinator for being under-experienced. The Cardinals will take this win, though I’d be perfectly fine with head Coach Bruce Arians letting Carson Palmer sit and not risk being the next victim of that St. Louis defense.

CARDINALS

BMK: This is a hard one to call. The Rams are not a good team offensively. Not with Nick Foles at QB (and how does that trade with the Eagles look now?). But they are very good defensively. Especially along the defensive line. But then again, the Redskins took them apart with Alfred Morris and the Steelers handled them pretty well.  It seems like this team just gets pumped for the interdivision games and sort of reverts back to the mean outside the division. It’s like they’re all about playing the spoilers and then forget that they have ten other games they should probably win.

As a sports guy, I like the Cardinals to win. As a Cardinals fan, watching the team’s first and second QB go down against this team, I don’t care if they win so long as Palmer isn’t injured. So should I do what I normally do and pick against them?  It worked last week. Then again, I’m still ahead of DT in the picks… THIS IS THE HARDEST DECISION ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO MAKE!

F it.

CARDINALS

———-

VIKINGS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Holy shit, what the fuck was that on Sunday night? Even Trent Dilfer would be unable to find things to scream about, as the Lions and Broncos plodded up and down the field like they all had someplace better to be. If either of these teams played like they wanted to win games, they’d be truly dangerous to any team they faced. That said, the Broncos aren’t about to lose this week and break their (questionably-earned) win-streak at home against another NFCN team. I’m hoping each week brings us closer to either Peyton clicking with that new offense, or Elway and Kubiak finally caving and letting him run the show.

"You forgot something."

“You forgot something.”

Oh, right. Something-something-fireworks.

BRONCOS
BMK: The Broncos have problems.  But they’re going to handle the Vikings easily.

By the way, I want credit for not doing the obvious 99 Problems joke.

BRONCOS
———-

COWBOYS at SAINTS

D.T.: Sean Payton says that we’re being saved from a Battle of the Back-ups on Sunday night. Brees is expected to appear and participate fully in practices leading up to the game. If he comes back healthy, this could be New Orleans’ chance to bounce back and gain some confidence in a high-profile, prime-time win. But, you know, I’ve gotta go with my gut on this one and say the Weeden-led Cowboys find a way to win against the utterly-downtrodden Saints. It’ll be a win for Dallas, but don’t expect a blowout.

"Are we almost done with this shit?"

“Are we almost done with this shit?”

COWBOYS

BMK: This game sums up the problem with this week. None of these matches have any real drama. Does anyone think the Cowboys won’t beat the Saints? Anyone who’s not in New Orleans and on their fifth Hand Grenade of the day?  No. All the teams that are supposed to win this week will win. Boring, I say. Boring.

COWBOYS

———-

LIONS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: After their lethargic display against a Broncos team that could have been beaten, the Lions don’t seem to have much hope or desire this season. Against a Seattle squad more or less back at full strength and looking to regain their mental edge, the Lions are going to be little more than a better warm-up than the Bears to work out the kinks and kick off the rust. And if you’re as apathetic as the Lions have been, playing in CenturyLink Field will be crushing. The energy in that place is popping.

"Popping. Yeah, great. I'm just gonna -- who the FUCK replaced by music with 'Firework' by Katy Perry?"

“Popping. Yeah, great. I’m just gonna — who the FUCK replaced by music with ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry?”

SEAHAWKS

BMK: I wish it wasn’t so, but the Lions aren’t going to win this week.  Maybe Matt Safford can prove me wrong? Maybe. Maybe Kat Dennings will break down in front of my house next week and need to use my phone.

Here's a glimpse into my inner life.

SEAHAWKS

———-

D.T.: Well, I definitely had a blast writing this week’s article. However, the nightmares I’ll suffer after Googling Jason Pierre-Paul so many times will haunt me for years to come. Seriously folks, don’t fucking Google Jason Pierre-Paul. Ever. Google should block that shit forever. I need a drink…

Thanks for reading! Next week we have a bunch of really shitty games on the docket so enjoy this week as much as you can!

BMK: If this column seems a little light on my end this week, you’re right! I thought about just doing straight picks so I didn’t interrupt what DT was doing with JPP, but then I realized that our brand is DT doing the good stuff while I ruin everything. Mission accomplished!

Thanks for reading.  See you guys next week.

 

Guess who's still on top?

Guess who’s still on top?

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

Kat Bike

This post was written and compiled listening to house music, math rock, and that nagging voice inside my head that’s telling me it’s later than I think…

Written by B. Michael Krol

October 3, 2015 at 2:57 pm