Ruminations, etc..

DT: Krol, we’re getting pretty good at this. Aside from not being able to know when dudes are getting injured, our picks are getting better. Or, least mine are. For anyone keeping score, I’m now three picks head of Krol, after winning both weeks 4 and 5 and coming from behind. And to top it off, I also predicted that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys in brutal fashion, and that Aaron Rodgers’ streak of no interceptions at home would come to an end against the Rams.

There’s a lot to talk about this week, both here in the column, as well as our weekly podcast. We’ll get deep into some of the more serious issues when we cast our pod in your faces, and get right into the picks here in the text. WEEK SIX! It’s gonna be fuck-awful, folks!
BMK: So I’m writing this on Friday night. Again.  But this time I’m writing this in a hotel room. See, I was down in LA this week watching movies to later review over at Andersonvision.com (plug plug).  While I was here, a torrential downpour sent mudslides all over the main road out of town. Now I know what you’re thinking, one night me and the cute girl from marketing drank mudslides at TGI Fridays until she found out about my UTI, so it’s all good!  Listen up Dockers: it’s not all good. I’m now trapped in a hotel in Glendale, CA, with wifi speeds that were state-of-the-art a few years before DARPANet debuted. Long story short: I’m feeling even more salty than usual.

ON TO THE PICKS!
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FALCONS at SAINTS

D.T.: And we kick things off with a terribly one-sided divisional match-up. The Saints are now in a pit too deep for even Brees to pull them out. Going into week six, it’s about that time where hopes and goals are a thing of the past, and it’s time to split focus between salvaging what’s left, and planning for next season. If the Saints are smart, that first round pick they got from Seattle can turn into something.

This week, they’re up against a a 5-0 divisional rival in the Falcons. Atlanta is playing every game like that rout they had against Tampa in September of last year. They’re on one hell of a hot streak, and the Saints just don’t stand a chance. Expect Devonta Freeman and Matty Ice to pull off another couple touchdowns a piece.

FALCONS
BMK: If you read my intro paragraph, you’d know that I’m writing this on Friday.  For all of our readers in Florida, this means that the Thursday night game already happened.  Since Thursday comes before Friday.

Anyway, I picked the Falcons.  And you know what? You would’ve too!

FALCONS

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REDSKINS at JETS

D.T.: The Redskins are kind of like the horror movie villain that you think is dead, then they come back later for another go-round. They managed to off the Eagles in week three, then lost to the Falcons in week five. This time around, they’re getting picked apart by the Jets defense. Mastermind Todd Bowles has put together a secondary that’s simply too good for the Redskins offense that topped off at total 51 yards rushing in week 5.

It’s going to be another win for the Jets in their crusade to shake things up in the Northeastern part of the country.

JETS
BMK: Todd Bowles have the Jets flying in the right direction.  The Redskins are still hot garbage. And they always will be with Dan Snyder at the controls.

JETS

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CARDINALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Monday night’s display between the Steelers and Chargers was the first this season that I’ve simply given up on and turned off. I got up at 6am last Sunday to watch the London game, and had a better time watching the Jets pound the Dolphins than I did watching the Pittsburgh and San Diego stumble around aimlessly, committing the most fundamental of fouls and mistakes. Fuck Mike Tomlin; Ben Roethlisberger, love him or hate him, is the foundation of that team, and they’re losing focus without him.

There’s talk of him returning early to play the Cardinals this week, and either QB choice for Pittsburgh – an injured Ben or a Mike Vick with no pocket awareness – is a very shaky one at best. Arizona’s spent the week following their win in Detroit on the East coast to stay fresh, and that secondary is going to take full advantage of whatever scenario plays out for Pittsburgh. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers defense has struggled to contain offenses, and with Carson Palmer and his receivers as hot as they are, I expect Red to dominate Yellow this Sunday.

CARDINALS

BMK: When I lived in Pittsburgh, I’d go shopping down at this area of town called the Strip District.  This is where all the Italian grocers were, which included the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company, home of the greatest cheese counter ever.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because there was a hole in the wall store down there that sells all manner of Steelers merchandise, including some real stupid shit.  Anyway, they blasted the Steelers fight song so loud that Slayer told them to turn it down.  Honest to God! Slayer!  That song is like two-and-a-half minutes long too.  Which means that whichever poor bastard that works there hears the same song 192 times a day. At some point, that dude is going to snap, shoot up a Primantis chanting, “Here we go!” while giggling and shitting himself.

Who am I picking?  I like the Cardinals in this one. Which means they’re going to lose in an ignominious fashion. That said, every time someone sacks Mike Vick in this game, I’m donating 20 bucks to PETA.  If someone ends Vick’s season, that’s $500. And yeah, I don’t give a fuck. That man is scum.

CARDINALS

PS: I lived in Pittsburgh when they played the Cardinals in the Superbowl. I think I caused the Cardinals loss, but that’s a long story…

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CHIEFS at VIKINGS

D.T.: The Chiefs suffered a devastating blow last week against the Bears, as superstar Running Back Jamaal Charles is finished for the season after an ACL tear. Knile Davis is dependable RB2, but the one-two combination of a week five loss against a bottom-level opponent like the Bears and the absence of their star is enough to drop them into a free fall. This’ll allow the well-rested Vikings to contain the Chiefs. If Teddy can bring it and keep his defense off the field for any longer than necessary, the Vikings can win this one on sheer will alone.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m not sold on Bridgewater. Luckily, they rank 2^nd in the NFL for rushing yards, so they won’t have to rely on him to beat the reeling Chiefs, who’s rushing defense ranks nearly last in the NFL.

Holy crap! That was actual football analysis! Wonders will never cease.

VIKINGS

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BENGALS at BILLS

Is there any team hotter than the Bengals right now? Let’s check the Cincinnati city thermometer and see:

Cincinnati’s game against Seattle was far and away the best and most exciting. That forceful overtime drive for a field goal to win was a statement that the Bengals aren’t fucking around this year. Well, until the first round of the playoffs, but that’s a long ways off! They’re up against the Bills this week – a team still making a statement of their own, and looking to knock off one of the 5-0 teams in the league. I think it’s fair to expect Buffalo to come out playing nasty, aggressive football, and there will be flags.

Andy Dalton is playing incredible football right now, and I see his offense overcoming the aggression of Buffalo’s secondary. The Bengals take a win this week.

BENGALS

BMK: This is an interesting matchup. Credit where credit is due, the Bengals came back against Seattle in the 4^th Quarter. On the whole, I think that says more about where Seattle is than where Bengals are, but either way, that’s no mean feat. Anyway, Dalton plays well during the early part of the season, but then, like my chances of ever having a decent career, he slowly degenerates.

I’d love to pick the Bills here, since Rex Ryan has that defense playing very well, but I don’t trust Tyrod Taylor. At all.

BENGALS

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BEARS at LIONS

D.T.: Ugh, fuck me… as much as their fans would argue, both the NFC North and the NFC South are proof that the divisions in the league need a shake-up. Regardless of the fact that they’re pretty much the only two divisions that make geographical sense, it’s unfair for the rest of the country to be subjected to their divisional games so many times a season.

I can’t even decide who to pick, because both of these teams are so fucking bad. I guess the Lions? They couldn’t lose two home games in a row, right? At some point, they have to win ONE game, and it may as well be this one.

LIONS

BMK: The only thing that Lions prove is that God hates Detroit.

BEARS

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BRONCOS at BROWNS

D.T.: Denver kept the winning streak alive last week against the Raiders, thanks to another defensive touchdown. The fact that the Oakland Raiders gave Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos a run for their money last week shows how confusing the Broncos are as a team, this year. Peyton Manning still can’t get a real handle on that new offense, but Denver’s top-ranked secondary will be more than enough to contain whichever quarterback Cleveland decides to play.

 

Cleveland’s run defense has been terrible, so it’s a day for CJ Anderson and Ronnie Hillman to really step up and power that Broncos offense. If Peyton can swallow a little of his pride and offensive coordinator Rick Dennison can pull his head out and run the ball, Denver should take this.

BRONCOS

BMK: Some wags are talking up the Browns here.  Are they fucking insane?

BROWNS

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TEXANS at JAGUARS

D.T.: The NFL is either trying to tell me to drink more, or drink less. I can’t decide which it is, with this game. I’m going to assume it’s drink more. Thank fuck the Cardinals are playing a meaningful match-up during this block of games. Um… shit, I don’t know. Jaguars? Why not.

JAGUARS

BMK: Putin is going to make political prisoners watch this game.

JAGUARS

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DOLPHINS at TITANS

D.T.: What the fuck, NFL. I mean, seriously. Fuckin’… Titans, I suppose? Yeah, that sounds right. Titans. The Dolphins new head coach is doing some fun things with the team like making them run high school drills and making Suh show up just to hold everyone’s water, but like my partner said last week, it’s going to take way more than a Tight End coach (and a bye week) to turn that mess of a team around.

TITANS
BMK: Putin is watching this game himself. Because he’s a sick fuck!

TITANS
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PANTHERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Why do I feel like we’ve already seen these two teams play? Weird. Anyway, the Seahawks lost to the Bengals last week, who were out to prove that their undefeated season so far is legitimate. They did so in very entertaining fashion, and have sent Seattle back to CenturyLink to lick their wounds at 2-3. Carolina comes to visit this week with a kind of shocking 4-0 record, looking to protect that goose egg they’ve got in their loss column.

The Seahawks are discombobulated this season, and their one undeniable strength is Russell Wilson’s ability to scramble and keep a play alive. I feel like their entire team is now dependent on that, and it’s truly dangerous to constantly have your quarterback in that position. It’ll take Wilson getting injured before that coaching staff wakes the fuck up and kicks the shit out of that offensive line. With a Carolina defense that isn’t half bad (currently ranked in the top 10), and eagerly awaiting to return of Luke Kuechly this week, they’ll be all over Wilson. Dude better have that Morphine Drink ready. I say the Panthers cause an upset (would this even be considered an upset?) and land a narrow win in Seattle.

PANTHERS

BMK: I feel like Jules here at the end of Pulp Fiction. See, I want to believe that the Seahawks are on their way down, and that Carolina are going to take them down. But that aint the truth. The truth is that Russell Wilson talks to God on a regular basis, and God apparently tells him to slowly turn into a megadouche head case.  Either way, I don’t see the Panthers winning this game. I’d love to be wrong, but I’m not. Plus I need to make up for my insane Browns pick. So I’m going with the safe bet.

SEAHAWKS

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CHARGERS at PACKERS

D.T.: San Diego, I want that hour and a half I wasted on Monday night back, with interest. You’ve been coasting on Philip Rivers for way too long, you’re underutilizing a stellar runner in Melvin Gordon, and you had Antonio Gates out for entire drives when the man was clearly hungry for a massive return. Your mismanagement matched that of Pittsburgh’s, and you could have won that game with better coaching and play calling. Green Bay is the superior team, and there’s no way San Diego will take a win in Lambeau.

PACKERS

BMK: I feel bad for Philip Rivers.

Wait. No I don’t. F that guy.

But DT was right, that Monday night game was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.

PACKERS

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RAVENS at NINERS

D.T.: A Super Bowl XLVII rematch will fill up the hour of pregame commentary before the kick-off. Even though it feels like 90% of that Super Bowl Niners team is gone. Both of these teams have fallen from grace, and one of them will leave Levi’s Stadium with a 1-5 record. Many were quick to say that perhaps San Francisco is on the upswing after that close loss against the Giants last week.

I don’t know if I agree with them, but I think the Niners have a genuine chance against the Ravens, who just lost to the BROWNS in a relatively high scoring game. I actually kind of hope the Niners win this one, mostly because the Santa Clara police need a break.

NINERS

BMK: I love this matchup. Because one of these teams has to come away with a win (though, please God, please, let this be a tie…), and not matter who wins, neither is going anywhere but down.  That tickles my black heart.

One thing’s for sure though, no matter what happens during the game, Tomsula is going to spend the afternoon looking like a guy getting a prostate exam.

NINERS
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PATRIOTS at COLTS

D.T.: This one’s not going to be fun, Colts fans. Chuck Pagano’s been talking about how much he liked having Hasselbeck under center, and now the Colts are looking at shifting things around in the Indy offense. Even with Andrew Luck returning from an injury. The last thing that team needs – amongst in-fighting between the coach and general manager – is some kind of bullshit quarterback controversy or a desire to tinker with the offense. You want to tinker with Indianapolis’s offense? Fucking fire Pep Hamilton, install a new offensive coordinator that will play on Andrew Luck’s strengths, and sign some younger, proven talent. Signing old veterans left and right only works if you’ve got a solid coaching staff that understands and can work with the strengths and weaknesses of each player.

You’ve got to pull your shit together, Indy. You’re in for a massive beating from the Patriots this week, and I can’t help but think it’ll drive you even further into madness instead of being the motivation you need to right the ship.

PATRIOTS

BMK: The Patriots are going to destroy the Colts.  Right now they’re 10 point favorites.  I don’t think they’ll win by that big of a margin, but they’re going to win. Brady is playing very well and there isn’t anyone on the Colts defense—nay, THE WORLD—that can stop Gronk. So Brady will just chuck the ball at Gronk and Gronk will score.  Then Tom Brady will go back to his palatial estate and make homeless men fight killer robots while he and his buddy Putin watch and artisanal popcorn.

PATRIOTS

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GIANTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Sam Bradford tossed three nice-looking touchdowns against the Redskins on Sunday, but even that wasn’t enough to force a win against a beatable opponent. Eli Manning matched him with three scoring passes of his own, and only narrowly beat the broken Niners. New York and Philadelphia mirror each other in a lot of ways, this season: old, arguably out of touch head coaches that probably won’t be around much longer, quarterbacks that show signs of greatness on special occasion, and great talent on offenses that struggle to put together drives.

This division is ripe for the taking for either of these two teams, with the Cowboys wounded and the Redskins… doing whatever it is the Redskins are doing.

But neither seem equipped to make a meaningful surge forward. It’ll be interesting to see which of these teams, somewhat stuck in the mud, will edge out the other in this prime time showing. Each divisional win is a chance to put more distance between themselves and Dallas before Romo returns, and for that reason I’m calling this my Game of the Week. I don’t expect a spectacular game, but it’s definitely the most intriguing. As for who wins? I think the Giants edge out the Eagles by a single possession, mostly because I think the talent New York has on their offense will compensate for the weaknesses elsewhere.

GIANTS

BMK: I aint buying the Eagles. I don’t care how “good” Sam Bradford looked.  The Eagles are crap. I’m sure Chip Kelly is just trolling the league now.

That said, the Giants are looking pretty good. Eli seems to have figured a few things out and is playing much better in Macadoo’s system. After starting 0-2 this year, they might be on their way to winning the division.

GIANTS

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The good news is, we’re halfway through October and all that pink shit on the field will soon be gone again. The bad news is, this slump in interesting games won’t end until week eight. But then we’ll see the Seahawks and Cowboys square off in Dallas, and the Packers take on the Broncos at Mile High. In the meantime, Krol and I will continue turning coal into diamonds, shit into gold, and alcohol into entertainment!

Thanks for reading (and listening!) folks!

 

BMK: We’re halfway through October and this month can’t end fast enough. Oi vey.

Podcast will return next week. Hope you all check it out. And thanks for reading and listening.

And with that, here’s your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

 

This was written and compiled listening to the Bouncing Souls, and a little voice in my head saying, “Dude, you need to get this done, DT puts in too much effort every week for you to slack off.”