Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: Things fall apart. The Steelers have lost Cheeseburger to the QB-eating machine that is the Rams defense, the Cowboys already show signs of struggle without Bryant and Romo, and the 49ers had a swift reality check after thinking they were going to bounce back. Dreams of playoff runs burst like fireworks in the night.

It was an absolutely brutal week for a lot of teams, filled with injuries to players, heartbreak for fans, and pure comedy for me and Krol. There was also that game between the Lions and Broncos that was just painful for everyone, and there was nothing funny about it.

BMK: So far, the quality of football this season has sort of sucked. I’m not sure if it’s just the schedule getting the dreck out of the way or if the sport has taken a step back.  That’s possible. It happened to basketball, post-Jordan and pre-Lebron.  Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s Goodell’s fault.

———-
RAVENS at STEELERS
D.T.: Here’s where the Ravens start to turn things around, at least for a little while. What should have been a rough divisional match this week has been made much softer with the removal of Roethlisberger from the equation. The Ravens haven’t been a bad team this season, just one with shitty luck. Last week’s game against the Bengals was pretty spectacular on both sides, with some of the craziest tackle shedding I’ve seen in ages. Any more amazing and the players would have been shooting off sparks.

Now the Ravens get to direct all of that ferocity and pent up desire for a win against an ailing rival. Yes, Mike Vick is a good QB2, but I guarantee that offense doesn’t operate like it does with Big Ben taking snaps. Expect the Ravens secondary to take back their good name.

RAVENS

BMK: I’m writing this on Saturday.  But I feel pretty good about my pick.

STEELERS

I’m kidding. I picked the Ravens. I have the text I sent to DT if you don’t believe me. Really.

RAVENS

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JETS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Dolphins are on a losing-to-lesser-teams-tour, and the next stop is a massively disappointing display against their rivals, the New York Jets. The only good thing about this game is the fact that it’s being played in London, so it technically doesn’t count, right? The Jets are on a meteoric rise, and the hire of head coach Todd Bowles is a boost the team desperately needed after the fiasco that was Rex Ryan, last season. The Dolphins will continue their dud of a season.

JETS

BMK: London games are so hard to predict.  What do you expect, making the players—some of whom went to schools like FSU—play in a foreign country where they don’t speak the language.

 

Anyway, the Jets are on an upswing. So long as Brandon Marshall doesn’t lateral the ball to anyone this week, I like their odds here.

JETS

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JAGUARS at COLTS

D.T.: The Jags had a nice time beating the Dolphins in week two, but like a great Fourth of July display, all good things must come to an end.

They lost in devastating fashion against the Patriots last week, and the Colts’ middling efforts at an early season comeback will continue with a win on Sunday. Maybe we’ll be fortunate enough to see Andrew Luck go rogue against an easy opponent and prove to Pep Hamilton what a terrible Offensive Coordinator he is.

COLTS

BMK: The Colts have to win sometime, right?

COLTS

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GIANTS at BILLS

D.T.: A fun match-up here. With the way things are going, I’m inclined to think that the Bills defense will strike hard, and light up Eli Manning’s offense.

The Bills have been ferocious so far this season, and even gave the Patriots a run for their money, while the Giants’ offense and game management have been less than stellar. If the Giants give the Bills any quarter, Buffalo will run away with it. And given history as an example thus far, I’m comfortable making that my prediction.

BILLS

BMK: The only person the Giants scare is DT, and that’s only when he Googles John Pierre Paul. Rex Ryan has the Bills going in the right direction and I think they take care of the Giants this week.

BILLS

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PANTHERS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Last week, the Panthers were all but promised a win, when Drew Brees was ruled out with an injury. And that’s what they got, even if they failed to set the world on fire with their victory.

The Bucs, on the other hand, lost out to the Texans defense, just as I suspected. As with any NFC South game, we can expect a Battle of the Bad, but I think Cam’s poise will win over Winston’s bravado, and the Panthers’ defense will help secure the win.

PANTHERS

BMK: The Panthers do nothing for me here. NOTHING! So, I’m taking the Bucs in my Upset Special of the Week!

BUCCANEERS

———-

EAGLES at REDSKINS

D.T.: The Eagles, somehow and someway, pulled a win away from a defense that’s been blowing away the opposition.

Is it the start of an upswing for the Philly squad? Was it a fluke win fueled by sheer determination and emotion? Or is just impossible to predict the Eagles this season? Well, against the Redskins, I think it’s fair to predict another win.

EAGLES

BMK: Oh my god, is this matchup a stinker.  Who the hell would watch this game?

Anyway, this game is basically unwatchable trash for a variety of reasons. I’m taking the Eagles since … well, crap. I have no idea. I’m going with my gut. And when has that ever steered me wrong?

EAGLES

———-

RAIDERS at BEARS

D.T.: Raiders. Boom.

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are doing a lot of good things this year. Derek Carr looks like he could be the real deal, and Amari Cooper looks like a young Larry Fitzgerald. Chicago, on the other hand, looks like the stuff that comes out of Harry Dean Stanton after a night of drinking whiskey and doing Molly.

RAIDERS

———-

TEXANS at FALCONS

D.T.: I have to say, Matt Stafford looked composed as he threw for 285 yards and a pair of touchdowns on Sunday — even if it was against a tenderized Cowboys squad. The real star of the show, however, was Devonta Freeman, who found the end zone three times. He gave a performance that one would easily call explosive.

If the Falcons can maintain that focus against the Texans’ defense, I see them taking another win this week, and maybe even being considered a contender for this ailing division.

FALCONS
BMK: The Falcons are the best team in the NFC South.  Which is like being the best break dancer in a minefield.

Don’t get that metaphor? Neither do I!

FALCONS

After that nonsense, you deserve this:

———-

CHIEFS at BENGALS

D.T.: It was a foregone conclusion that the Chiefs would lose last week in Lambeau. Aaron Rodgers kept the no-interception-streak alive, despite one minor scare, and outside of some poor game management and slowing down on Green Bay’s part, they kept the game well in-hand.

With the Bengals playing as well as they are, the the Chiefs finding ways to lose games, I expect the Red Rifle and his band of tigers to secure another home win and come out… dare I say it… 4-0.

BENGALS

BMK: The Bengals are on a hot streak, that’s for sure.  With Roethlisberger out, the Ravens sucking, and the Browns being the Browns, they’re going to run away with the AFC North.

———-

BROWNS at CHARGERS

D.T.: I wasn’t wrong for picking the Browns/Raiders as my game of the week. The game ended up being pretty damned exciting, considering both teams were fighting NOT to lose to the other. The Raiders continue to impress and show a spark of greatness on both sides of the ball.

Wait, shit… I’m supposed to say something about the Browns here. Well, they’ll maybe not lose too badly to the Chargers? By the way, I thought about driving out to this game for no other reason than field-level tickets, right behind the bench on the 50 yard line are going for $250. That’s cheaper than fucking Rams tickets last season.

CHARGERS
BMK: DT and I were thinking about attending this game (see above), but then he fell ill and my cat needed 1500 bucks worth of Thyroid therapy. A shame. I was hoping to live out my inner Hunter S. Thompson and turn in a Fear and Loathing version of this column. Oh well—such is life.

Oh, yeah, I need to pick this game. Uh…Chargers.

———-

PACKERS at NINERS

D.T.:

Packers fans: get there late, enjoy a quick beer and leave before the end of the fourth quarter. Your team is going to win – big time – and you don’t want to be anywhere near groups of Niners fans when it happens. Levi Stadium will be set to go off like a powder keg.

PACKERS

BMK: I’ve actually thought about attending a game at Levi’s Stadium. A few things hold me back. 1) It’s a nightmare to get there from where I live in the Bay Area, 2) I’d have to root for the other team, which would open me up to getting my legs ripped off by thickheaded 49ers fans. Seriously, it’s like Lord of the Flies down there.

Anyway, the Packers are going to kill the 49ers.  Incidentally, you cannot imagine the angst and consternation the Cardinals victory caused on Bay Area sports radio. As a Cardinals fan, it was delicious.

PACKERS

———-

RAMS at CARDINALS

D.T.: You might have noticed a theme running through my part of the column this week. It’s not because I’m a complete dick and have no cares when it comes to serious injuries that could have been prevented by being a responsible adult. It’s in tribute to the St. Louis Rams, who failed spectacularly this week in trying to speed up their move to LA by burning down their fucking stadium with fireworks.

When their plan blew up in their faces…

…they took out their frustration on Ben Roethlisberger, and took out his knee, as they are wont to do with opposing QBs. This ensures the Cardinals’ win streak will carry on into week 6, when they face a Ben-less Steelers squad after defeating the Rams this week and the Lions after that. Seriously, even I’m shocked at how solid the Cardinals look on both sides of the line. I was worried and already calling out their new defensive coordinator for being under-experienced. The Cardinals will take this win, though I’d be perfectly fine with head Coach Bruce Arians letting Carson Palmer sit and not risk being the next victim of that St. Louis defense.

CARDINALS

BMK: This is a hard one to call. The Rams are not a good team offensively. Not with Nick Foles at QB (and how does that trade with the Eagles look now?). But they are very good defensively. Especially along the defensive line. But then again, the Redskins took them apart with Alfred Morris and the Steelers handled them pretty well.  It seems like this team just gets pumped for the interdivision games and sort of reverts back to the mean outside the division. It’s like they’re all about playing the spoilers and then forget that they have ten other games they should probably win.

As a sports guy, I like the Cardinals to win. As a Cardinals fan, watching the team’s first and second QB go down against this team, I don’t care if they win so long as Palmer isn’t injured. So should I do what I normally do and pick against them?  It worked last week. Then again, I’m still ahead of DT in the picks… THIS IS THE HARDEST DECISION ANYONE HAS EVER HAD TO MAKE!

F it.

CARDINALS

———-

VIKINGS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Holy shit, what the fuck was that on Sunday night? Even Trent Dilfer would be unable to find things to scream about, as the Lions and Broncos plodded up and down the field like they all had someplace better to be. If either of these teams played like they wanted to win games, they’d be truly dangerous to any team they faced. That said, the Broncos aren’t about to lose this week and break their (questionably-earned) win-streak at home against another NFCN team. I’m hoping each week brings us closer to either Peyton clicking with that new offense, or Elway and Kubiak finally caving and letting him run the show.

Oh, right. Something-something-fireworks.

BRONCOS
BMK: The Broncos have problems.  But they’re going to handle the Vikings easily.

By the way, I want credit for not doing the obvious 99 Problems joke.

BRONCOS
———-

COWBOYS at SAINTS

D.T.: Sean Payton says that we’re being saved from a Battle of the Back-ups on Sunday night. Brees is expected to appear and participate fully in practices leading up to the game. If he comes back healthy, this could be New Orleans’ chance to bounce back and gain some confidence in a high-profile, prime-time win. But, you know, I’ve gotta go with my gut on this one and say the Weeden-led Cowboys find a way to win against the utterly-downtrodden Saints. It’ll be a win for Dallas, but don’t expect a blowout.

COWBOYS

BMK: This game sums up the problem with this week. None of these matches have any real drama. Does anyone think the Cowboys won’t beat the Saints? Anyone who’s not in New Orleans and on their fifth Hand Grenade of the day?  No. All the teams that are supposed to win this week will win. Boring, I say. Boring.

COWBOYS

———-

LIONS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: After their lethargic display against a Broncos team that could have been beaten, the Lions don’t seem to have much hope or desire this season. Against a Seattle squad more or less back at full strength and looking to regain their mental edge, the Lions are going to be little more than a better warm-up than the Bears to work out the kinks and kick off the rust. And if you’re as apathetic as the Lions have been, playing in CenturyLink Field will be crushing. The energy in that place is popping.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: I wish it wasn’t so, but the Lions aren’t going to win this week.  Maybe Matt Safford can prove me wrong? Maybe. Maybe Kat Dennings will break down in front of my house next week and need to use my phone.

SEAHAWKS

———-

D.T.: Well, I definitely had a blast writing this week’s article. However, the nightmares I’ll suffer after Googling Jason Pierre-Paul so many times will haunt me for years to come. Seriously folks, don’t fucking Google Jason Pierre-Paul. Ever. Google should block that shit forever. I need a drink…

Thanks for reading! Next week we have a bunch of really shitty games on the docket so enjoy this week as much as you can!

BMK: If this column seems a little light on my end this week, you’re right! I thought about just doing straight picks so I didn’t interrupt what DT was doing with JPP, but then I realized that our brand is DT doing the good stuff while I ruin everything. Mission accomplished!

Thanks for reading.  See you guys next week.

 

And now, for your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

This post was written and compiled listening to house music, math rock, and that nagging voice inside my head that’s telling me it’s later than I think…