Ruminations, etc..

D.T.: We come to it at last… the final week, and one giant divisional blow-out to end the 2014-15 NFL regulation season. By the time all six of our readers are taking a gander at this final regular season column, they’ll have gained five pounds from pies, fudge, glazed ham and…

 

 

 

Gifts will be returned or exchanged. A few head coaches will be returned or exchanged. We’ll all be settled in for one last semi-glorious overdose of all our favorite teams’ back-ups locked into sloppy divisional match-ups for one last day of excuses why it’s okay to drink at 11am.

 

 

It’s gonna be a weird day of football that probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than the NFC South. Shall we kick this mother off, Krol?

BMK:  Yes lets.  This week features some hot, division-on-division action. A couple of the games actually mean something, even!

And DT, it’s always okay to drink at 11am.  That’s what Chuck Bukowski did, and who can argue with Bukowski?

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BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Browns are completely out of playoff contention, while the Ravens have a chance at landing the sixth seed. What they definitely need to accomplish is a victory over the Browns (which is entirely plausible, and my prediction for the outcome — spoiler alert!) and for the Chiefs to beat or tie with the Chargers… which could be a little more difficult. The Browns are back to Hoyer the Destroyer to try and force an upset, but I don’t think it’ll happen. The Ravens have a lot on the line, they’re playing at home for a place in the post-season, and they’ll come into this game looking for blood.

RAVENS

BMK: Yeah, the Browns don’t stand a chance here.  I wish the Browns could have done something this year after their promising start.  Oh well.  Like Browns fans always say: maybe next year.

I do think it’s funny that after drafting Johnny Football the team is reportedly exploring all options at quarterback.  Imagine that. A kid with very few NFL quality football skills and a work ethic worse than mine isn’t making it at the next level of professional sports. Let’s be blunt: Manziel has all the charm and personality of the average tubesteak, but that’s not what really burns my ass about him. No, it’s the fact that, when it comes to Manziel, I actually agree with Merrill Hoge. I see eye-to-eye with Merrill’s analysis of Manziel and his game and that bothers me more than I care to admit.

Anyway, later Browns. You were good while you lasted.

RAVENS

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COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: The ‘Boys have all but secured the number three seed in the NFC playoff picture, and have knocked off all three of their division rivals. I know how everyone in DC had Christmas dreams of seeing RGIII play in the post season, but sorry, Skins fans: there’s no Santa.

 

 

 

Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin get one more go-round on the worst field in the league, before their uncertain futures are decided in the coming off-season. Expect the ‘Boys to rest their starters, and for those starters to enjoy a nice victory over a crushed team.

COWBOYS

BMK: I’m pulling for the Cowboys in the post-season this year, since I don’t want Seattle to win another Superbowl and the only way to beat them is with a strong running game, which the Cowboys have.  Hopefully they can knock out Seattle in time to get beat later in the post-season, since the only outcome worse than a Seahawks Superbowl is a Jerreh Superbowl.  Either way, the Cowboys’s job is done for the regular season. Time to give Romo a rest.

The Redskins…man, what a dysfunctional franchise.  The next question is who goes first: Gruden or Griffin?  I’m thinking Snyder sides with his QB and ships Gruden off to the Isle of Misfit Coaches (San Diego).  After that, RGIII gets another year and another coach to kill and then he’s off to be a career backup somewhere (not Arizona, please not Arizona).

COWBOYS

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COLTS at TITANS

D.T.: What the fuck happened to Andrew Luck last week? Heading into the last stretch of the season, he’s been in a bit of a slump, but their match-up against the Cowboys was ridiculous. He played like the Quarterback version of Trent Richardson.

 

It’s staggering just how much of the Colts’ success is placed on Luck’s shoulders, and how horribly the team falls apart if he has a bad day. Still, the Colts locked up an easy division and they’re headed for the fourth seed in the AFC. Expect Luck to play a quarter at most, and a game more than worth skipping. Honestly, the 2-13 Titans should just stay home, too.

COLTS

BMK:  Really DT?  It’s surprising to you how much the Colt’s success is dependent on Luck? This team was a perennial powerhouse when Manning was in charge, then went 1-15 the year Manning was out, after which it became a powerhouse again after Luck was drafted.  That pretty much spells QB dependent to me.

COLTS

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SAINTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: The car-crash of a division that no one but those directly involved in care about, but none of us on the outside can look away from. Once again, first place in the division has changed hands — this time to the Panthers. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons are all locked up at 6 wins, with the Panthers ahead by an inch because of that tie with the Bengals. It’s incredible that such an anomaly has had this big of an impact on their division. At any rate, both the Saints and Bucs are out of the post-season running, so here’s another game that no one other than die-hards and coaching staffs will be watching.

 

The winners in this game are the Saints, for finally being put out of their misery.

SAINTS

BMK: I’m going with the Bucs here. I’m behind in picks so I need to start doubling down and winning big.  Don’t let me down, Lovie.

BUCS

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EAGLES at GIANTS

D.T.: Eli Manning’s crowning achievements have been finding a wide receiver who won’t drop his passes, and Peyton Manning throwing more career interceptions than him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EAGLES

BMK: Is the Sanchise still playing? Or have they gone over to Foles? I guess I can google it…Oh well, F it.

EAGLES

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BILLS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: The Patriots have clinched the division and secured home field advantage for the playoffs. Which means they’re likely to be the team representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. The Bills and Dolphins had a nice season too, though, with the Fins likely to eek their way above .500, and the Bills… well, it’s a significant accomplishment for them to have reached 8-8. Maybe the Patriots will be cordial and sit their starters and let the Bills finish with a winning record.

PATRIOTS

BMK: This ought to be a barn burner.

PATRIOTS

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JAGUARS at TEXANS

D.T.: Believe it or not, the Texans actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of making the playoffs. If that snowball was really, really big and dense, and Satan was kind enough to turn down the heat for a little while.

 

 

They pretty much have to win their next game (likely), the Chargers have to beat the Chiefs (possible) and the Browns have to beat the Ravens (nope) for them to be gifted a sixth seed spot in the post-season. That’s way too many variables to fall into place, but stranger things happen. sadly, we’re probably looking at two teams with no real shot at the playoffs instead of just one. Still, the Texans get to go out with a winning record, and a triumphant home game to end on.

TEXANS

BMK: A lot of people think hell is hot. It’s not. It’s cold and snowy. Like Buffalo in the winter.  Anyway, the Texans will win this game, JJ Watt will not win the MVP, and the Jaguars will stink again next year.  You can take these predictions to the bank. Though I’m not sure why the bank would care…

TEXANS

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CHARGERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: The Chargers have a chance to land the sixth seed, and their fate is their own to control. With no stipulations coming from other teams, all they need to do is beat the Chiefs at home. Which lands their chances at about 50-50, really. Divisional games are always wacky, and Arrowhead is a tough place to play. The Chiefs are looking to play the spoiler here and ruin Philip Rivers’ New Year. But, I have to say, I think Phil is hungry for a post-season appearance, and he’ll pull out all the stops to achieve it.

CHARGERS

BMK: Alex Smith isn’t playing this game since he has a lacerated spleen.  That sounds painful. And gross. But I think the Chargers will win this game since they’re be facing the dude not good enough to beat Alex Smith out of a starting job. Which is as pathetic as it sounds.

CHARGERS

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JETS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: It’s Rex Ryan’s going away party, and they’re having it in sunny Miami! There are worse places to walk into, knowing you’ll be fired.

 

 

The Jets will put up a fight, as they’re known to do in AFC East games, but it’s the Fins last hurrah in a winning season that – by their standards – isn’t too shabby.

DOLPHINS

BMK: I heard a report this morning that Rex Ryan is already cleaning out his office, and that everyone’s assuming GM Idzik is getting fired too.

I sort of feel bad for Rex Ryan.  Yeah, he’s a blowhard with a foot fetish, but these last couple of seasons humbled him a bit.  I’m thinking he’ll still be a good head coach somewhere (SF?), but it’s probably time to leave the Jets for greener (har har) pastures.
I don’t know anything about Idzik at all. Except that he can’t pick a QB.

DOLPHINs

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BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: The NFC North belongs to the Packers and Lions, with those two teams battling it out for the division championship. Meanwhile, the Bears and Vikings are also playing a game. Merely out of formality and contracts and stuff, I guess. The Bears are all out gas, and the Vikings will end the season with a losing record, but not in last place in their division. Which, much as it is in the NFC South, is a victory in itself.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m so mad at the Bears.  I really wanted them to have a good year since that Brandon Marshall kid is so charming on Inside the NFL.  But they beat the 49ers a while back, so that’s all that matters.

VIKINGS

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RAIDERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: The Broncos are headed to the playoffs, and the Raiders get news that they’re staying. They just can’t fucking win, can they?

 

BRONCOS

BMK: The Raiders are staying for 2015. They can still – oh, yeah, they’re fucked.

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CARDINALS at 49ERS

D.T.: Ryan Lindley showed us that Whisenhunt wasn’t 100% to blame for the utter failure of the Cardinals’ 2012 season. Keeping his not-a-single-touchdown-thrown streak alive, and likely to maintain that record for whatever’s left of his NFL career, he’ll likely be benched in favor of rookie Logan Thomas. The Cardinals had a meteoric rise this season, but they’ve come back down to Earth hard and fast. They’re still playoff-bound, regardless of the outcome of this game, but I don’t expect any more wins out of the injury-devastated team.

NINERS

BMK: This game – and all its implications — is too depressing to talk about.

NINERS

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LIONS at PACKERS

D.T.: Finally, a game that means something. These two teams are tied up for the division lead, with the winners looking to enjoy a chance at the number two seed, and the losers dropping down to battle it out for the wildcard spot. Looking at the slump these two teams have been in the last couple of weeks, it’s tough to pick a clear winner.

 

 

I’ll trust that Aaron Rodgers brings his A-game this time around, knowing exactly what’s on the line, and knowing that he’s up against a dangerous Lions defense. But, if Matty Stafford can figure his shit out and come to play as well, we could be looking at a fun divisional shoot-out, and the best game of the week.

PACKERS

BMK: This definitely is the game of the week (are we still doing those?) for all the reasons DT mentioned. This is the kind of game that the NFL had in mind when it started scheduling all division game late in the season, not that Buccaneers/Saints dreck that those poor people in Tampa Bay will be forced to watch.

I’m hoping the Lions win this one since I don’t think Green Bay is built for a deep playoff run.  Yeah, Aaron Rodgers can play lights out, but their defense leaks like an Adult Baby’s Diaper. The Pack will never beat Seattle with that defense (or with that attitude!), so it’s best just to get Green Bay fans’s inevitable disappointment out of the way early.

LIONS

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RAMS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: The Seahawks keep showing us that in a battle of stout defenses, it’s the team with the offensive edge that will win. Such will be the case here. If Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch’s current hot streaks aren’t enough to convince, consider the fact that winning this game lands them the division title, and they’re playing at home. You made us proud with your scrappy refusal to give up, Rams, but here’s where your heart-warming story comes to a close. Here’s to next year.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This game is like the recent Hobbit sequel: it’s long, it’s unnecessary, and the outcome doesn’t change anything for anyone.  One question though: when will the Rams figure out Jeff Fisher aint a good coach?

SEAHAWKS

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PANTHERS at FALCONS

D.T.: Whoever wins this game wins the division and hosts a game in the playoffs. So, what we’re basically looking at is the opportunity for a team to win a fucking mess of a division, then lose at home in the first round of the playoffs. Might as well be the Falcons, I guess, because I don’t think Cam Newton’s going to get it done.

FALCONS

BMK: I’m going with the Panthers here.  Mostly because I’m hoping against hope that the Cardinals face them in the first round and maybe get a win.

PANTHERS

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BENGALS at STEELERS

D.T.: Both of these teams are headed for the playoffs, and the Bengals likely to yet another first-round elimination. Anything can happen in the NFL (and sometimes does), but they’re a team of such highs and lows and that doesn’t cut it when you’ve reached the highest level of competition in arguably the most physically competitive professional sport. The Steelers will find a way to win at home, clinch the division and move up into the number three seed in the AFC.

BMK: Oh Andy Dalton…you’ve burned me so many times before this year…but not as bad as you burned the Brown family with your contract. Hiyo.

Anyway, these two teams are going to the playoffs but neither will go very far. The AFC belongs to the Patriots. And to Jesus. But mostly to the Patriots.

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DT: And that’s that. As we move on to the playoffs portion of the article, I’d like to thank those of you who’ve been reading all season (hey dad), and thank my esteemed and hilarious partner, Krol, for inviting me on board to knock this bad boy out each week. It’s been a privilege being your personal suicide hotline during each Cardinals game, and spending Sundays laughing like idiots at things Colt McCoy’s neck problems.

Oh, and I’m totally ahead in picks again, but we’re having a moment, so I won’t gloat.

 

BMK: Thanks to all the readers and thanks to DT. This column could be done without DT, but it would suck.  So a very public thank you to a guy that’s been my huckleberry these past 17+ weeks.

Also, thank you to Nick Nunziata. We couldn’t of done this – oh, wait.  We did.

Anyway, this has been a lot of fun. Especially when we took cheap shots at people and teams we don’t like.  Which is pretty much everyone. So ha-ha. SUCK IT BUFFALO!

Finally, some pictures of the Goddess herself…

 

 

 

This post was edited and compiled while listening to Spotify’s Deep Thinking Playlist and your mother telling me she told me so…