Archive for the ‘CHUD Football Picks’ Category
THUD Picks Week Seven
Week 7
D.T.: Professional football players are dropping like flies, out there! Week six saw the end of the season for such dynamic players as Victor Cruz (NYG), Knowshon Moreno (MIA), Dee Milliner (NYJ), Alex Mack (CLE)…
Wrong Alex Mack. Though, she’d certainly make watching the Browns less of a chore.
…and if Vontaze Burfict had his way, we’d be adding both Greg Olsen and Cam Newton to that list. This week brings far more interesting match-ups than last week, but hopefully fewer injuries to key players. We’re a long way from last season’s threat of a disaster draft from all those ACL/MCL injuries, but it’s still heartbreaking to see these guys go down in unceremonious fashion, and watch teams struggle to pick up the pieces and move forward in the aftermath. But, such is football. Such is life. On to the picks!
BMK: It’s week seven and everyone’s buying into the Cowboys. No less than two different commentators have stated that it’s good for football when the Cowboys are playing well. Really? How is it better? Does the NFL get bigger when the Cowboys are playing better? Are there marginal fans outside of Dallas that suddenly start paying attention when the Cowboys are doing better than .500? Color me skeptical. In this country, the NFL is king, and if you’re not watching football now, odds are you’re not going to. Regardless how well Romo and the boys are playing.
Anyway, on to this week’s silliness…
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JETS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Don’t be too quick to discount the Jets here. They’re known for inexplicably giving the Patriots a difficult time, and with the Patriots coming into Thursday Night Football without Running Back Stevan Ridley – and with the Jets still sporting the top run defense in the league, despite San Diego’s open defiance in week 5 and the Broncos victory in week 6 – this could be a fun start to the week. Tom Brady and Friends will take to the air, as he and Gronkowksi are explosive right now, and Julian Edelman has found his way back to Tom’s favor, and they’re likely to take the win here. Still, it’d be a fascinating anomaly if the Jets were to come out on top.
PATRIOTS
BMK: The Rex Ryan farewell tour continues. This week’s stop: Foxboro. Where Tom Brady will drop Rex Ryan faster than panties at Dr. Who convention featuring David Tennant.
See, I can make football relevant to a geek website.
PATRIOTS
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FALCONS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Ravens absolutely pulverized the Buccaneers last week. The fact itself doesn’t surprise, but the manner in which it occurred was quite interesting. In a career high performance, Joe Flacco threw five touchdown passes… all within the first quarter. That’s the fastest any quarterback has ever thrown five touchdown passes in a game, in NFL history.
Yeah Joe, we can read.
Matt Ryan and Co. are likely to offer a bit more of a challenge, but the Ravens are a solid home team and have a history of beating the Falcons with relative ease. After Atlanta’s poor performance against Chicago in week 6, I’d put money on that history repeating itself. But hey, at least they can all go out for a beer afterwards and laugh about what a shit team Tampa Bay is.
RAVENS
BMK: It’s the battle of the slightly above average quarterbacks! Seriously, how did the NFC South become such a terrible division? It can’t just be injuries.
Maybe if the Falcons decide to play defense this will be a game. Otherwise…
RAVENS
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TITANS at REDSKINS
D.T.: The ‘Skins held their own against Arizona last week, while the Titans embarrassed themselves by barely hanging on against the Jaguars. Nearly allowing Jacksonville their first win of the season is reason enough to discount the Titans from this game. Enjoy your win, Mr. Cousins.
“If we lose to the Titans, you’re both watching Week 8 from Rob’s rehab clinic.”
REDSKINS
BMK: I know Native Americans have beef against the name Redskins. I wonder if that’s just less about the name and more about the team sucking and Snyder being a Mega Douche. The world may never know.
TITANS
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SEAHAWKS at RAMS
D.T.: The Rams get to enjoy their second consecutive home loss this week. On the plus side, they get to sleep in their own beds afterwards. On the downside, they’ll have lost, and they’re in Missouri. Normally, I’d pull for the Rams with their stout defense and scrappy attitude, but after dominating the first half of last week’s game against the 49ers, then forgetting to show up for the second and allowing a seemingly deflated team walk all over them, I don’t have any faith in their ability to keep up with Seattle. The Seahawks will be looking to rebound after their loss to Dallas (and only their second loss at home in three years), and there’s no better place for that than in the house of a weaker divisional rival.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: I think the Rams are going to be more in this than people give them credit for. And by that I mean they’ll score a touchdown. Maybe even two.
SEAHAWKS
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BROWNS at JAGUARS
D.T.: Fuck it. Let Manziel play, just this once.
But if he does this stupid shit again, turn Vontaze Burfict loose on him.
BROWNS
BMK: Mathcore is a rhythmically complex and dissonant style of metalcore. It has its roots in bands such as Converge, Coalesce, Botch, and The Dillinger Escape Plan. The term mathcore is suggested by analogy with math rock. Both math rock and mathcore make use of unusual time signatures. Math rock groups such as Slint, Don Caballero, Shellac, and Drive Like Jehu have some influence on mathcore, though mathcore is more closely related to metalcore. Prominent mathcore groups have been associated with grindcore.
An early antecedent to mathcore was practiced by Black Flag, in 1984, with the album My War: “Its seven-minute metal dirges and fusion-style time signatures proved too much for many fans”. Many groups from the mathcore scene paid tribute to Black Flag for the album Black on Black.
In the 1990s, groups now often described as mathcore were grouped together as “noisecore”. Kevin Stewart-Panko of Terrorizer referred to groups such as Neurosis, Deadguy, Cave In, Today Is the Day, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Converge, Coalesce, Candiria, Botch, and Psyopus as described by this label.[12] Stewart-Panko described the sound of these bands as a “dynamic, violent, discordant, technical, brutal, off-kilter, no rules mixture of hardcore, metal, prog, math rock, grind and jazz.
BROWNS
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BENGALS at COLTS
D.T.: Holy Quarterback shootout, Batman. The Bengals rip the Colts apart nearly every time they cross paths, but the Indianapolis offense is really clicking. While Andrew Luck is currently the top passer in the league, Andy Dalton is without both Marvin Jones and probably AJ Green, leaving Mohamed Sanu most likely to pick-up the slack. The Colts’ average passing defense has a real opportunity to hold back the Cincinnati throwing game, and they key to victory from that point will be containing Gio Bernard. On the flipside, the Bengals have a decent pass defense, and will likely double-cover T.Y. Hilton most of the day. The Colts are going to have to get aggressive. Luck will have to maintain razor sharp focus, and Ahmad Bradshaw will have to put forth a stellar performance. I’m placing my pick on the home team.
COLTS
BMK: I like Colts in this one. After starting 0-2, the Colts have galloped back to life (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) by winning four straight. The Bengals aren’t a bad team, but Luck is at home, and, more importantly, he has the Power of the Neckbeard. You put him in a Fedora and an anime t-shirt, and he’d be unstoppable with the ladies.
COLTS
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VIKINGS at BILLS
D.T.: Teddy Bridgewater heads to Buffalo in his second road game as the starting quarterback for the Vikings. The kid’s had it rough so far: absorbing injury, interceptions and a ridiculous amount of pressure as the newly-crowned figurehead in a flailing franchise. It’s not going to get any easier for him this week though. Kyle Orton might not be much of a quarterback, and he’s a bit of a weird dude…
…but the team surrounding him is superior. I predict Fred Jackson will have a nice outing, and the Bills will win by a touchdown or two.
BILLS
BMK: It’s a battle of the below average QBs. Who will win?!? Who will lose?!?? Will anyone care that doesn’t sound like they walked off the Fargo movie set? Will I ever write something funny?!?
WATCH THIS SPACE TO FIND OUT!
VIKINGS
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DOLPHINS at BEARS
D.T.: Jay Cutler may actually be the deciding factor in this game. The Bears haven’t won at home yet, and both of those home losses are inextricably linked to Cutler throwing interceptions. In fact, the team is 0-3 this season for each game in which Cutler has thrown a pick. Is it a coincidence, or is the team exposed and deflated when their passer throws to the wrong team? That’s a hell of a lot of pressure, even for Cutler who seems pretty oblivious, most of the time.
Now, where’d I put that helmet…?
Miami’s better defense could take control of this game, and take the focus off their damaged offense. If that happens (after watching them hold back the Packers’ offense, it’s very possible), the Bears could continue without a win at home. Then again, if Cutler can play lights out with no interceptions, the team could rally. I think I’ll take the latter option, because why not.
BEARS
BMK: Cutler hasn’t been playing great at home – the wind must get caught up in his neckbeard – but Brandon Marshall has something to prove.
BEARS
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SAINTS at LIONS
D.T.: Who the fuck knows how this game will go? All season, both of these teams have gone from being on fire to embarrassing themselves at the drop of a hat. However, the Saints are without a reliable running game (though the same can be said of Detroit), and their passing game has taken a serious hit with the temporary loss of Jimmy Graham. Brandin Cooks and Marques Colston are still a pair of serious threats, but this leaves the Lions’ defense plenty of space to shut them down and limit Brees’s ability to spread the targets around. The Lions are currently making small sacrificial offerings and holding prayer circles for the return of Calvin Johnson who’s inclusion is highly unlikely, but would thin the Saints’ defense massively. If Johnson comes back as a semi-healthy, active participant instead of a decoy, we could see a make-good on the promise the Lions offense made to fans in week one. Then again, he’ll probably sit until after the Lions’ week 9 bye. I guess I’ll still go with the Lions.
Pictured: Johnson’s reaction when asked if he knows what he’s doing to my fantasy team.
LIONS
BMK: Remember when a lot of experts picked the Saints to eventually get to the Superbowl this year? Those were good times. Anyway, Breesus is just not playing like himself this year and Rob Ryan’s defense can’t stop anyone from doing anything.
LIONS
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PANTHERS at PACKERS
D.T.: With their secondary questionable (well… more questionable than usual) after the double gut-punch of losing both starting cornerbacks, Sam Shields and Tramon Williams, Green Bay now has some holes that Carolina can exploit with their passing game, if the two end up having to sit out. Cam will become a serious threat and a source of frustration, as he’ll be able to run and have an easier time targeting Greg Olsen and my current man-crush, Kelvin Benjamin — assuming the kid clears his concussion protocol (fuck you, Vontaze).
Sigh.
Let’s be realistic, though: no one sees Carolina’s defense shutting down Aaron Rodgers and his receiver corp. The game could turn into a score fest, but I think the Packers will defend the home turf, and come out with the win.
PACKERS
BMK: Panthers at Packers gets my alliterative game of the week (followed only by Chiefs at Chargers). I’m going with the Packers here because Aaron Rodgers is an amazing QB and the Panthers stink.
PACKERS
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CHIEFS at CHARGERS
D.T.: Chargers. NEXT!
Alex Smith, come the fuck on. You can’t even coordinate your Halloween costume properly.
CHARGERS
BMK: Rivers is playing amazing this year and the Chiefs can’t catch any breaks. Of course, they had a chance to steal one in SF a few weeks back, till they screwed up by putting 12 men on the field. Idiots.
CHARGERS
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CARDINALS at RAIDERS
D.T.: That’s weird. I thought the Cardinals already had a bye week.
CARDINALS
Proof that no matter how bad things are in life, you can always improve.
BMK: I want to pick the Cardinals. But I’m not going to. This is a classic trap game, and Raiders can’t go winless. Can they?
BMK: Everyone’s buying what the Cowboys are selling, but I’m not. That said, the Giants are a mess and Victor Cruz is gone. Quick – name me another receiver on their roster! No Googling!
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
COWBOYS
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GAME OF THE WEEK
D.T.: “It’s so easy,” Julius Thomas exclaimed after scoring his second touchdown against the Jets last week. Indeed, the Broncos are making it look easy again this season. It hasn’t hurt that, up until last week, their entire 53 man roster was healthy and practicing — though minor injuries have since popped up, including starting Running Back Montee Ball being sidelined with a groin injury.
Thankfully, it wasn’t his Montee Balls.
It’s also nice when your entire team has rallied around a singular goal, and everyone shares the same motivation to achieve it: Peyton wants another ring before he’s done, and the rest of the team want another shot at a Super Bowl victory, after being humiliated last year. The San Francisco 49ers, despite being on a three-win streak, still harbor general feeling of uneasiness. Last week, they put on a terrible display in the first half of their contest in Saint Louis, and I don’t think their eventual win was as much a second half rally, as it was the Rams simply losing focus and running out of steam. Still, the Niners are the only team to beat Dallas, and they’re certainly going to stand more of a challenge for Denver than the Jets did.
The 49ers’ defense will be the key here. Kaepernick is always a double threat, but the Denver squad is too smart and educated to not be ready for him. The back of their secondary is flat out dangerous, and they’ll be gunning for him. If they want to be competitive against Denver, SF’s defense will have to attempt to contain Peyton Manning, just as they did Austin Davis, Alex Smith and Nick Foles. Keep the game low-scoring, and hope for the best. But… that’s a tall order. Manning and his receiver corp are a touchdown machine, and the loss of Monte Ball to injury hinders a running game that’s nice to have, but ultimately not a deciding factor for the team.
I see Denver taking the win at home in a game that might be the most meaningful of the week, and will certainly be one of the most entertaining. You’re up, Krol!
DENVER
BMK: Yeah, so the 49ers are on a bit of a winning streak, now but that comes to an end this week in Denver. The 49ers simply do not have the talent in their secondary to compete with Denver’s receiving corps, and Patrick Willis will most likely not be playing this week, so there won’t be as much pressure on Manning as the 49ers would normally provide.
The problem is Denver’s pass rush. Kaepernick plays behind an elite offensive line, and as douchey as Joe Staley comes off, there’s no denying his ability. If Denver can get pressure on Kaepernick, he’ll make bad throws and that plays right into Denver’s hands. If Von Miller gets the better of Staley this Sunday, it’ll be a long day for Mr. Beats. Which translates into a good day for me.
DENVER
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TEXANS at STEELERS
D.T.: These Monday Night Football games are brutal, aren’t they? Okay, let’s see… Cheeseburger is a superior quarterback with superior receivers and though Running Back Le’Veon Bell has been excellent this season, the Texans have an answer for him in Arian Foster, who has suddenly decided to become relevant again.
The Texans’ real hope is, and always was, J.J. Watt. Watching that mountain of a man chase down the also-large Big Ben is going to be like watching a kaiju movie, except with a soundtrack of “Turn Down for What”, “Thunderstruck” and asinine commentary instead of goofy English dubbing.
I think the Steelers will take it.
STEELERS
BMK: Steelers are coming off an embarrassing loss to the Browns, and I imagine they’ll take it out on Houston this week.
STEELERS
This was compiled and written while listening to Ire Works by The Dillinger Escape Plan. Also, the ringing of the phone I used to phone it in this week.
THUD Football Picks Week 6
Week 6
D.T.: It was a righting of the ship for a lot of teams in Week 5. The league’s top three quarterbacks were in need of making a statement, and they each did in hard-hitting fashion. Aaron Rodgers and his Green Bay Packers trounced their rival Vikings in a shockingly one-sided victory (due in part to Christian Ponder’s magnificent return as starting Minnesota Quarterback), the Broncos nearly murdered half of Arizona’s defense in a game that marked Peyton Manning’s 500th career touchdown pass, and Tom Brady’s friends all got together and threw him a party to make him feel better about himself.
The after-party got a little weird.
The good times should continue to roll for all three victorious teams, and teams that were left smarting in week five should find themselves a pick-me-up in their week six match-ups.
BMK: To be frank, this week’s slate of matchups suck. Even the degenerate gamblers are taking this week off. I mean really, does anyone care about the Jags/Titans matchup? Oh, that Broncos/Jets game ought to be a real barn burner. The Chargers/Raiders game is on? Sweet. Do you have any yard work that needs to be done?
This Sunday, go outside. Visit a friend. Start that self-portrait you’ve always wanted to paint. There is nothing compelling happening this weekend at all. Seriously kids, take this week off. I know I did.
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COLTS at TEXANS
D.T.: The Texans are doing so well that even Tony Romo’s feelings were hurt last week, and you’d think that guy would have developed thicker skin by now. I predicted last week that the Texans would win, and I wasn’t far off. This week, however, they’re going up against a superior Indianapolis team that might even have a better secondary.
Don’t get all defensive, J.J. Heh – defensive. Get it?
Luck needs to keep the turnovers in check, and outrun Watt. If he can do that, it shouldn’t be a terribly difficult trip into Houston.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts QB will be Lucky to get past the Texans high Wattage defense. Still, this should be a victory. But if the Colts lose, the head coach might be Pagano!
Seriously Fleed, how do you do this each post?
COLTS
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STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again? Doesn’t it feel like these two teams have already played each other five times? Frankly, I’m looking forward to week twelve, when I don’t have to work to come up with something interesting to say about Pittsburgh. They’re the better team here — Le’Veon Bell is nigh unstoppable, and Cheeseburger’s chemistry with Antonio Brown has been off the charts.
Google told me that was the correct spelling for Roethlisberger. Who am I to argue?
I expect the momentum Pittsburgh has going now will make this rematch quite a bit different (and with a larger difference in points) this time around.
STEELERS
BMK: There are two things in this life you should never do. The first is go ass-to-mouth, and the second is pick the Browns to beat the Steelers.
STEELERS
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PATRIOTS at BILLS
D.T.: The Bills deserved their win in week five more than the Lions deserved their loss. Even with their quarterback woes, the Bills still continue to march and prove themselves distanced and improved from their last few seasons. They play like a team that’s been given a second chance, and none more so than Fred Jackson, who just will not slow down. That said, the Patriots have renewed their determination, and if they can keep a hold of what brought them a huge win over the previously-undefeated Bengals, it might be a painful game to watch for anyone not wearing clothing featuring the Flying Elvis Head.
One might even say Tom Brady will get a high five two weeks in a row. But one might be getting ahead of himself.
PATRIOTS
BMK: I’m not fully sold on the Patriots, but I like them enough to beat the Bills.
Oh, and anyone who thinks Tom Brady is going to play for any other team than the Patriots is crazy. Brady aint going anywhere. You can take that shit to the BANK! I know I did, and it went something like this…
Me: Brady’s not going anywhere, lady.
Teller: That might be true, but you’re still over drawn by 1.92
Me: Oh. Gimme all your money!
Teller: Sir, that’s a banana.
PATRIOTS
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PANTHERS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Panthers bounced back with a victory over the Bears last week, and Cincinnati’s loss to New England was a bad one – but not one that will necessarily throw off their rhythm. They’re very difficult to beat at home, and both their passing and rushing games are superior, which may leave Carolina’s struggling defense at a loss. Cam seems to be coming back into form though, and if they can keep the turnovers in check (and throw for the open receiver and not the playbook), this could turn out to be a fun Cat Game. I see the Bengals defending their home turf, though even without A.J. Green and Marvin Jones. Mohamed Sanu has proved he’s capable of filling in.
BENGALS
BMK: The Bengals are missing their playmaking receiver AJ Green, but they should still beat the Panthers at home handily. Especially since the Panthers brass are being careful with Newton. And why wouldn’t they be? He’s a precious little jewel.
BENGALS
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JAGUARS at TITANS
D.T.:
Stop me if these jokes get old. Which will be never.
TITANS
BMK: The Mops-Orden, or Order of the Pug was a para-Masonic society founded by Roman Catholics. It is believed that it was founded in 1740 by Klemens August of Bavaria to bypass the papal bull Eminenti Apostolatus Specula of 1738. The constitution of the Order of the Pug allowed women to become members, as long as they were Catholic. The pug was chosen as a symbol of loyalty, trustworthiness and steadiness.
Members called themselves Mops (the German for Pug), novices were initiated wearing a dog collar and had to scratch at the door to get in. The novices were blindfolded and led around a carpet with symbols on it nine times while the Pugs of the Order barked loudly to test the steadiness of the newcomers. During the initiation, the novices also had to kiss a Pug’s (porcelain) backside under its tail as an expression of total devotion. Members of the Order carried a Pug medallion made of silver. In 1745, the secrets of the order were “exposed” in a book published in Amsterdam with the title L’ordre des Franc-Maçons trahi et le Secret des Mopses révélé which included the ritual and two engravings illustrating their rite.
TITANS
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PACKERS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The Packers set the world on fire last week, and the Dolphins enjoyed a leisurely week after their quiet, uneventful trip to London. In a season where bye weeks are quickly amounting to shit versus advantage due to rest, I expect the Dolphins, with their hindered running game and serviceable passing game to be stomped over by a Green Bay team with a renewed sense of purpose.
“Holy shit, did you guys know I could do this? I totally forgot!”
Aaron Rodgers is bouncing back into the NFC North-dominating force we all expected him to be at the start of the season, and the rest of the team is following suit. I feel bad for the Dolphins, who are likely to come into this game soft after an easy win against Oakland, and a week of drinking shitty beer and eating food that can only be described as “grey”.
PACKERS
BMK: The Packers are going to pack the fish into…
Oh Jesus, I just can’t. Even I have limits.
PACKERS
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LIONS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Yet another NFC North match-up. Last week, the Lions were narrowly defeated by the Bills in what many would consider an upset, if you fail to consider that the Lions’ run game is shot, and the team still insists on rolling an injured Calvin Johnson onto the field as a “decoy”. Seriously, the guy only caught one pass last week and he was re-injured doing it. He’s likely be be riding pine against the Vikings this week. Not only that, but Running Back Jike Bell… er, Joy-kay… er…
Bjor-que Bell?
Whatever his name is will likely be out, due to a concussion. This is the Vikings chance to bounce back after their embarrassment against the Packers last week. And given that Teddy Bridgewater is very likely to return, and the team seems to rally around him, I’m willing to bet that’s what they do.
VIKINGS
BMK: The Vikings QB situation looks to become a bridge over troubled waters since Bridgewater is playing this week. Still, I like the Lions in this one.
Well what do you know? I guess I don’t have any limits after all…
LIONS
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BRONCOS at JETS
D.T.: As I mentioned, the Broncos could have ended the careers of more than one Cardinals defender last week, and against a Jets secondary that let the Chargers run game (of all terrible, awful run games) walk all over them last week, I expect some flat out deaths to occur on in New Jersey. The only thing saving Rex Ryan from being chased out of the stadium with pitch forks and torches is the fact that no one expects the Jets to win, anyway.
BMK:
Pictured: Jets secondary after the Broncos game.
BRONCOS
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RAVENS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: This isn’t a good week for football. Torrey Smith is projected to be a fantasy stud against the Buccaneers. Torrey Smith.
Not to be confused with Wayne Brady or the Black Power Ranger.
RAVENS
BMK: Another yucko match up this week. Maybe the yard needs mowing…
RAVENS
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CHARGERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Holy shit. Last week, I gave the Raiders the benefit of the doubt in unusual circumstances against the Dolphins, and they managed to turn themselves into an international embarrassment, instead of merely the US National Treasure they are. While San Fransisco fans are fighting each other in Levi Stadium bathrooms when their team wins, I can’t imagine Raiders fans can so much as find the enthusiasm to put on their mascara. Felipe Rios will wash over Oakland, effortlessly.
CHARGERS
BMK: There are a few things in this life I’m certain of. One, creamed corn is disgusting. Two, House of Prime Rib in San Francisco will NOT honor your reservations if you’re not wearing pants (no matter how cute your bikini briefs are), and three, that there is no way that the Raiders will beat the Chargers.
PS: If you know you’re coming to San Francisco, get reservations and eat at the House of Prime Rib. It’s awesome. AND TELL ‘EM BRYAN KROL SENT YA!
How can you resist this?
CHARGERS
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BEARS at FALCONS
Game of the week…I guess…
D.T.: I think this game has real potential, because it has the chance to be the most explosive of the week. Both of these teams have been on a crazy roller coaster ride, and both are due for a ramp-up. If both of these teams end up on the upswing after their recent two-loss streaks, we could be in for a really fun game.
The Bears were starting to look like a revelation in the NFC North: a team with a decent offense and a defense capable of embarrassing the Niners? Unheard of, in their division. Alas, it was too good to be true, and no one really knows where their defense found the fire fire that night, or where it’s gone since. Cutler is quietly having an excellent season, even with the lack of connections with star Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall, and has boosted Martellus Wallace into top TE status. Matt Ryan, on their good nights, is finding Julio Jones with fantastic results, and Devin Hester has made a big splash. But both teams are capable of disappointing losses and sloppy play, however. Neither of these teams have made much sense, and given that they’re both driven by decent offenses and terrible defenses, it could go either way.
A fluke turnover could easily decide the outcome, or the clock could simply run out before the next offense up has a chance to score. The Bears are a good road team, and the Falcons are best at home. The conflicting facts and statistics pile up, and that’s what makes this game interesting. Ultimately, I think the Bears are probably more hungry to turn things around, and I think they’ve got the stronger potential to do so. If plans to give Brandon Marshall more touches comes to fruition, combined with spreading the ball around and protecting Matt Forte on the rush, the Bears can take this. Krol?
BEARS
BMK: This game, DT? THIS game? I mean, sure, it’s interesting, but is either team going to win their division? Maybe Atlanta, but they’ll probably win it by default. The Bears? Who knows? The NFC North seems to be equally mediocre. Anyway, this game has some potential for some weird drama (like will Roddy White tweet something exceptionally stupid or just ordinary stupid), but I’m not sure the outcome of this game is of interest to anyone outside of Atlanta or Chicago. And who cares what people in Chicago think. Have you seen what they put on hot dogs out there? It’s a goddamn disgrace.
Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that the Falcons are going to get mauled by the Bears. Oh sure, Matty Ice will try and protect his nest, but then a giant bear will come take a crap in it. And then he’ll have to go play a whole football game. Wakka wakka.
BEARS
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COWBOYS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Seattle looked sloppy in Washington, and the Cowboys have looked better in the last couple of games than they have in the last couple of years. DeMarco Murray has been an absolute stud of a Running Back, and Romo has turned things around nicely since the ‘Boys suffered their week one loss to the 49ers. However, Russell Wilson continues to be remarkable, and if I were a Dallas defensive back, I’d simply get the fuck out of Marshawn Lynch’s way. I think the two of them will go to town on the Cowboys’ secondary, and the Dallas offense will struggle in the hostile environment of CenturyLink Stadium. Still, expect the Cowboys to score a few, since all they really need to do is line up Dez Bryant on the other side of the field from Richard Sherman. Can’t wait to see the twitter war those two engage in on Monday.
I spent way too long making this.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: A lot of people are coming around on the Cowboys this season. I think that’s due to the bigotry of soft expectations. Everyone assumed that they, and the entire NFC East, would suck. However, there are some good doings a –happenin’ in Dallas (EVERYONE’S talking about a girl named Debbie…). But I trust Seattle’s defense more than I trust Tony Romo. Despite his sweet sweet ribs.
Oh…Tony ROMA’s…oops.
SEAHAWKS
—–
REDSKINS at CARDINALS
D.T.: It’s probably still too early to make a call on this one. The Cardinals currently have no idea who their quarterback will be, and their defense is largely in question, due to injuries sustained against the Broncos last week. Logan Thomas showed a flash of greatness with that touchdown pass to Andre Ellington, but he’s nowhere near ready to start as an NFL quarterback, even if it’s against the Redskins. The team has to hope that Drew Stanton clears his concussion protocol, or that by some miracle, Carson Palmer is able to return. The Redskins, on the other hand, are still vulnerable against the still-standing members of the Cardinals secondary, and the Washington defense will have to content with Andre Ellington, who marched against the insane Denver defense, and will likely lead the offense this week. This will be a very low-scoring game, and the Cardinals will be looking to make a statement here at home that they’re down, but not out.
CARDINALS
BMK: Ugh. What an ugly match-up. If Carson Palmer plays, then the Cardinals should win. And they’ll have to win in a shoot-out since their front seven on defense are all 2nd string (or worse) guys. If it’s Logan Thomas, the Cardinals should lose.
I guess I’ll just continue picking against them…
REDSKINS
—–
GIANTS at EAGLES
Call me crazy, I’m picking the Giants. Eli is kinda, sorta, almost maybe getting his offense back on track and averaging 35 points over the last few games. The Eagles defense is currently scoring more points than their own offense. That alone gives me pause and makes me think that maybe the exciting story the Eagles began writing in the beginning of the season is taking a dark turn. And who the hell knows what’s going on with LeSean McCoy right now. The Eagles better be careful, or they could find themselves turning into a hot mess.
GIANTS
BMK: The Eagles will have their wings clipped this week. Ha! Get it?
Yeah, I hate me too.
GIANTS
—–
49ERS at RAMS
D.T.: It doesn’t seem like anyone really cares about this game, since tickets are going for ten fucking dollars. But, you know what?
I care.
Anyone not paying enough attention might write off the Rams in this game, but they’ve always given the 49ers trouble. In fact, the 49ers are 1-3 in their last four visits to Saint Louis. If the Rams can play solid defense, not shit the bed should they happen to find themselves in the lead, and put rumors of relocation to LA in the back of their heads, they could turn that statistic into 1-4. And wouldn’t that be a fantastic thing to see in the NFC West? The Niners are vulnerable, but it’s going to take determination and focus to pull a win.
RAMS
BMK: Thug-Lite Kaepernick will keep his Victory train rolling this week with a visit to St. Louis.
49ers
I liked my picture last week better…
This post was edited and compiled while listening to the first two Clash records. And you know what? I still don’t like them.
THUD NFL Picks Week 5
Week 5
D.T.: The thing we love most about the NFL is often what makes it frustrating: the natural unpredictability of each and every game, in each and every week. Football is arguably one of the most difficult sports to predict (just ask the guy who rage-quit my fantasy league on Monday), but it’s also the reason we keep coming back. For ever bet we lose, every dive we take in fantasy, and every time we swear we’ll find something better to do next Sunday, we come back. It’s the investment in something you think you can guess the outcome of, but know you have a 50/50 chance of getting right. It’s the excitement of believing your team can win the next one, even though they lost the last. Week four of the NFL’s regular season was a shining example of why we love football so much, and why it drives some of us crazy. Week five is likely to follow suit.
BMK: Last week the main storyline was “Is this formerly elite team REALLY this shitty?” This week, the storyline is: “Are these teams really that good.” Arizona will have a tough match-up in Denver this week. If they win, then we’ll all know AZ is for real. If they lose (SPOILER: they will), it all depends on how. Manning needs nine more touchdowns to tie with Favre’s career record. If Peyton does this in this game, check the emergency rooms for me and DT.
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: Last week, the Packers surprised everyone by… well, playing like the Packers for a change. In their first meeting with bitter rival Chicago, the team looked poised and composed, and gave the daunting Bears’ secondary a real run for their money. Rodgers and Nelson showed incredible chemistry and even Eddie Lacy decided to show up and make a few plays. The Vikings, in Teddy Bridgewater’s first outing as a true starting Quarterback, shocked everyone by defeating a Falcons squad high on their historic stomping of Tampa Bay in week three. I’m not sure if the meeting of these two fired up teams will be as explosive as their week four match-ups, however. I think the Packers, if they can hold on to the lessons they’ve learned in prior weeks and keep their momentum going, can overcome the Vikings and get themselves back on track.
What we all HOPE this game will be…
…and what it’ll likely end up being.
PACKERS
BMK: Ponder vs. Rodgers! A Thursday night QB Duel!
Pssh…not at all. This one’s over before it starts. Oh, and by the way, Chavez, I did you a favor last week by picking the Bears to win. This week though…
PACKERS
—–
BEARS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The Bears defense has been killing it, their offense is picking up the pace. Carolina, however, is allowing their weaknesses to show through more with each passing week. The Panthers’ offense is still struggling to click, and their defense is having a difficult time pulling it together without Greg Hardy. There’s still some greatness on the Panthers’ roster, and in a division that’s absolutely bonkers so far, they have a chance to pull it together. Especially if they keep giving it to this beautiful son of a bitch:
This guy is prettier than some of the girls I’ve dated. And you know the D.T. only dates dimes.
Ultimately, I think the Bears are on too big of a roll, and Carolina’s not going to be able to keep up. Oh, and here’s a photo of the Panthers’ cheerleaders dancing in the rain. Just because.
Panthers Cheerleaders
BEARS
BMK: Here’s the problem: I’m not sure I trust Jay Cutler. Sometimes he looks great (second half of the 49ers game), other times, he don’t look so good. However, Cutler’s been pretty good on the road (106.3 QB rating) and the Panthers don’t have any real offensive playmakers. All the Panthers’s playmakers know which fork to use and always remember to send their hostess a thank you note.
See what I did there?
Yeah yeah yeah….
These bears do well away from home too…
BEARS
—–
BROWNS at TITANS
D.T.: Raise your hand if you had any idea the Browns were on a bye last week. I tease, but the Browns have been pretty competitive so far this season, and when they’re not trying to pull trick plays that would embarrass a high school coach, they kind of look like a halfway-competent team. The Titans have lost three straight after their surprising win over the Chiefs, leaving many to think it may have been a fluke, and I’m inclined to agree. My prediction? The Browns find themselves at 2-2, and don’t have a terribly difficult time getting there.
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are probably 3rd best team in the AFC North. But they’ll be more than a match for the Titans. It’ll be like that time in Return of the Jedi when the Stormtroopers were kicking Ewok ass. Before the shot of the dead Ewok which bummed everyone out. Except Ken Wisenhunt. He likes dead Ewoks. He likes them so much he has a picture of one on his play calling sheet. That and a picture of Rita Hayworth.
Ken Wisenhunt is a strange, strange man.
Inside Ken Whisenhunt’s mind…
BROWNS
—–
RAMS at EAGLES
D.T.: The Rams have fought hard to prove themselves more than a broken team with too many holes, and fared better against the Cowboys in week three than the Saints did last week. The Eagles, in their own narrow loss against San Francisco, proved that their hurry up offense needs some work against a determined defense. It’s these two scenarios that make this game more interesting than one would expect. The Rams’ secondary is still formidable, and they’re every bit as capable of slowing up the Eagles as the Niners were. Expect two teams to show up, points to be scored, fantasy owners to continue being nervous about Foles, but an Eagles victory by a narrow margin. Man, imagine what a team would look like if you combined the Rams’ defense and the Eagles’ offense.
I just gave myself chills.
EAGLES
BMK: Last week the Eagles proved that you can’t count on miracle finishes every week. At some point your offense needs to score. At the very least, your offense needs to pick up a first goddamn down. The Eagles’s offense looked so bad against the 49ers, I’m tempted to pick the Rams. And they’ve started slow in all of their games so far. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I am going to pick the Rams. To hell with it – I’m living dangerously!
RAMS
—–
FALCONS at GIANTS
D.T.: Two teams who, thus far, have walked all over others that can’t get their acts together, and fall apart when playing teams that can. The Falcons have had strong victories over the Saints (who are perhaps the most confusing mess in the league right now) and the Buccaneers (a win that will likely live on in infamy for the rest of the season), but were absolutely trounced by the Vikings last week, and couldn’t hold their own against the impressive Bengals. The Giants are just as terribly inconsistent, having beaten the Texans and Redskins but failing miserably against the Cardinals and Lions. If I had to forego all statistical and logical analysis and go with my gut, I’d honestly give it to the Giants. They’re a mess, but at least they’ve lost to teams who deserved to win.
GIANTS
BMK: The Falcons are banged up and their defense is terrible.
And that’s still better analysis you get from Deion Sanders.
GIANTS
—–
BUCCANEERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Back on the topic if unpredictability in the NFL: last week’s outings for the Bucs and Saints were jaw-droppers. After the way they’ve played up to this point, no one expected Tampa Bay to sneak in a win against the Steelers, and the only logical explanation for it is the lack of consistency from Pittsburgh’s defense, and some flat out luck on Mike Glennon’s part. The Saints should have come into this season looking like unstoppable Super Bowl contenders, and last week they looked like the aliens from Space Jam had stolen all their talent.
Yeah, I made a fucking Space Jam reference. That’s what this season is doing to me.
I honestly have no idea how to predict the outcome of this game, because neither team is predictable at this point. But, going by sheer talent involved, and the fact that New Orleans has to turn this thing around at some point… well, there’s no better time to do that than this week.
SAINTS
BMK: The Bucs beat the Steelers but there’s no way this team beats the Saints. Not when the Saints are at home and coming off a humiliating performance against the Cowboys.
I think it’s probably safe to pull the Saints out of the elite category, but even if they’re just very good, they’re still better than this Tampa Bay team. Yes, the Saints defense stinks more than Rob Ryan after getting the meat sweats at Fogo de Chao, but they should be able to handle the 31st ranked passing attack. At least I hope.
Crap. Now I want Fogo de Chao.
SAINTS
—–
TEXANS at COWBOYS
D.T.: A grudge match to move on from 3-1 and claim Texas supremacy (which I know is an oxymoron). I don’t trust the Cowboys’ win over New Orleans as a righting of the ship. It was a wild fluke against a team that has some serious issues to work out, and I think the best thing they have going for them is the running game. The Texans’ defense is too good, and if there’s one thing I can predict about this game with confidence, it’s Romo tossing some turnovers. Maybe even to JJ Watt, who at this point must be neck and neck in touchdowns with Megatron. I think the Texans surprise everyone with an upset and walk out of Dallas the victors.
And I end up killing someone after seeing this commercial twelve times before the half.
TEXANS
BMK: I’m giving it to the Cowboys this week. DeMarco Murray is running like crazy and Romo hasn’t been stupid lately. A great recipe for a win. Plus I hate that stupid JJ Watt commercial. It fills me with the hatred of a 1000 suns. Or maybe more like 992 suns, but the difference is negligible. Seriously, when you already got 992 suns, will 8 more make a difference? I don’t think so, but I’ll let history be the judge.
I need a job.
COWBOYS
—–
BILLS at LIONS
D.T.: The Bills are back in quarterback controversy with the decision to bench E.J. Manuel in favor of Kyle Orton. It’s not the most confidence-instilling decision, but the Bills passing game has been a bit of a joke this far, anyway. The Lions passing game is better, and could be fantastic if Megatron would get healthy, and the franchise would shift him back to relevance instead of decoy status. Overall, the Bills are at a precarious crossroads, and the Lions are the superior team. I expect them to hold down the fort in Detroit.
LIONS
BMK: I’m going with the Lions here. I like Stafford and Johnson at home. For those of you that don’t know, I’m referring to Calvin Johnson. I refuse to use that stupid nickname. Unlike my partner DT, who’ll fall for any nicknamed receiver.
LIONS
—–
RAVENS at COLTS
D.T.: The Colts are riding high at the moment, and as an unabashed Andrew Luck fan, I’m happy to see it. They were off to a terrible start, going 0-2 in the first couple of weeks, but they’ve looked dynamite in their last two outings. However, their defense will be starting an inexperienced safety in Sergio Brown (most known for special teams), with LaRon Landry having been suspended for four games. This leaves a real soft spot for the Ravens’ offense to exploit, and they’re capable of doing so. The Colts have historically walked over the Ravens, however, and I don’t see the Ravens stealing a win in Lucas Oil Stadium. If Luck can keep throwing the way he has, and the ball keeps getting fed to Ahmad Bradshaw over Trent Richardson…
Don’t make that face. You know you’re terrible.
…the offense should have no trouble securing the victory.
COLTS
BMK: I’m going with the Colts on this one. The Ravens and Colts, statistically, are fairly similar and Joe Flacco just irritates me. So I’m going with the home team.
COLTS
—–
STEELERS at JAGUARS
D.T.: It’s just a matter of time…
But, American would like to keep the blond in the front, if that’s okay.
STEELERS
—–
BMK: A pulsar (portmanteau of pulsating star) is a highly magnetized, rotating neutron star that emits a beam of electromagnetic radiation. This radiation can only be observed when the beam of emission is pointing toward the Earth, much the way a lighthouse can only be seen when the light is pointed in the direction of an observer, and is responsible for the pulsed appearance of emission. Neutron stars are very dense, and have short, regular rotational periods. This produces a very precise interval between pulses that range from roughly milliseconds to seconds for an individual pulsar.
The precise periods of pulsars make them useful tools. Observations of a pulsar in a binary neutron star system were used to indirectly confirm the existence of gravitational radiation. The first extrasolar planets were discovered around a pulsar, PSR B1257+12. Certain types of pulsars rival atomic clocks in their accuracy in keeping time.
STEELERS
This is the Game of the Week
Cardinals at Broncos
D.T.: Two teams I know very well, and a match-up I’ve been simultaneously excited for and dreading since the regular season schedule was announced. I’m born and raised in Arizona, so the Cardinals are my team. My family is a bunch of hardcore, Raider-Hater Broncos fans from Colorado. I own an equal number of jerseys from both teams (3), and if not for work deadlines, I’d be attending the game in Denver, getting rowdy with my cousins. I’m hoping for a great game (because the last thing I want to see is one of these teams get crushed), and for both squads to bring their A-games. Both teams are coming in rested from a bye, so we just might see an excellent match-up here, folks.
The Cardinals will be without Quarterback Carson Palmer, as a nerve injury he suffered in week one has suffered a major setback, and he’s unable to throw. Drew Stanton looked good in the two games he’s filled in, however, and he has one of the best receiver corps in the league to lean on. Backing him him on the ground is Andre Ellington, whose toughness in playing through a foot injury has been admirable, and hopefully his week off will have him back at full strength. Arizona’s offensive line should give them both ample time to make decisions, even in the face of Denver’s daunting secondary.
Denver put a lot of thought and money into their defense this past off-season, with the most notable acquisition being DeMarcus Ware, formerly of the Dallas Cowboys. They’ve put him to good use alongside Bronco veterans Von Miller and Derek Wolfe, and they’ve created a defensive backfield that’s frankly pretty scary. The Cardinals’ secondary has proven that even without Karlos Dansby, Daryl Washington and recently-injured Darnell Dockett, they’re still a force in the league. They’ve held fast to a 3-0 record, celebrating a win over Colin Kaepernick’s San Francisco offense before taking the week off. But let’s be honest: Kaepernick is no Peyton Manning.
With Wes Welker back in the folk, Manning has a lot of weapons at his disposal. Emmanuel Sanders, believed to be a stopgap of sorts in Welker’s absence, has proven himself much more, and has found himself a spot in regular rotation. The Cardinals defense will find themselves truly challenged in trying to cover Sanders, Deymarius Thomas, Wes Welker and a shining example of Arizona’s biggest weakness: covering Tight End Julius Thomas. Arizona will need all of their faculties, and key players like safety Tyrann Mathieu will need to play at an enhanced level to keep up. On the flip side, the back of the Broncos’ defense, lead by Cornerback Aqib Talib will be pushed to keep up with the quadruple threat of Larry Fitzgerald, speedster John Brown, Michael Floyd and Jaron Brown. Drew Stanton has shown a lot of proficiency in spreading the passes around, and the Arizona offense has become tricky to cover.
Arizona’s defense will be the key to this game, and Denver knows it. Their one big weakness these past couple of seasons has been NFC West defenses, and they’ve likely watched hours of game tape to formulate a plan. If the Arizona defense can maintain focus and fluidity, they have the ability to contain this game and allow the offense to do their part. But… fuck, man. It’s the Broncos.
Can I just have 60 minutes of this, instead?
BRONCOS
BMK: This is the ultimate test for Arizona. As an old time Cardinals fan (I wasn’t born there, but I did grow up there), I fully expect them to lose. But I want them to lose well. There would no shame in losing to Peyton Manning by a touchdown, especially considering all the losses Arizona has had on its defensive side this year. It would be disappointing, but not totally deflating. Anything more than a touchdown though…
Truth be told, this is not the Peyton Manning of yesteryear. As the Seahawks showed, he is beatable, and the fanboy in me wants to think that Arizona’s combination of guile, luck, and skill in the secondary can cause some havoc for Mr. Manning. But as my man DT pointed out above, Denver has plenty of weapons. Throw in the fact that Manning is one of the most cerebral quarterbacks to ever play the game, and it starts looking bad for the Cardinals in a hurry.
Of course, Arizona is not without offensive weapons. Arizona has two very good receivers in Floyd and Fitzgerald, at least two excellent ones after them (the Browns, Ginn). So if your Denver, who do you cover? Futher, Arizona has a decent tight end in Carlson, and Ellington is no slouch when it comes to catching the ball either. Stanton will have to get the ball out quickly (the Massie vs. Von Miller match-up doesn’t fill my heart with joy), and if he does, and doesn’t turn the ball over, this game might be more competitive than I’m expecting.
At the end of the day, I’m sure Denver will win. And when have I ever been wrong?
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at 49ERS
D.T.: The Chiefs enjoyed a stunning victory over the Patriots last week, in yet another example of unpredictability in the NFL. However, I think the 49ers are going to bounce back from their loss against the Eagles, and return to form with a victory at home. A no-doubt bitter return for Chiefs Quarterback Alex Smith, he’s likely eager to stick it to the team that let him go in favor of the younger, flashier, tattooier Colin Kaepernick. It was Kaepernick who showed Smith up during a stint on the injured list, and claimed his spot as the team’s starting passer (and subsequently lead the team to a Super Bowl). Smith brings with him star Running Back Jamaal Charles, who finally launched himself back into relevance, and the two of them have the opportunity to do some real damage. But, Kaep is going to want to prove that he’s the big dog to his bosses, even with San Francisco’s questionable atmosphere behind the scenes.
49ERS
BMK: A lot of experts (and DT – zing!) are picking the 49ers in this game. I think they’re right (THIS TIME!). But I would not be surprised if the Chiefs took it. Jamaal Charles is looking like a beast lately. And by that I mean he’s dressing like a furry.
I’m not sold on the 49ers at all. Now, true, I am a dyed-in-the-wool 49er hater, but how can you watch their first four games and think this team is elite? They still have a very good defense, but their offensive line is having problems and Vernon Davis is officially listed as Questionable. I’m going with the Chiefs here.
Incidentally, I read the ESPN profile on Jim Harbaugh. It says he lacks empathy, has trouble maintaining relationships with people, and needs to hate his opponent in order to beat them. Is it just me, or does that sound like the clinical definition of a sociopath?
CHIEFS
—–
JETS at CHARGERS
D.T.: Here’s the thing about the New York/San Diego game: The Jets have an absolutely stellar rushing defense, and the Chargers have virtually no running game at all. So, the Jets’ one strength and superiority over the Chargers is likely to not even be a factor, because Phillip Rivers is good enough to control this game in the air without having to resort to running the ball, except in first down situations or garbage time. The Chargers come into this with an advantage in nearly every aspect, and I don’t think they’ll have a terribly difficult time adding another mark in their win column.
CHARGERS
BMK: Bolo Tie boy will pass all over the Jets terrible secondary.
—–
BENGALS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Holy shit, what’s happened to the Patriots? They struggled to hold back the Oakland Raiders, and where absolutely stomped by the Chiefs last week. Brady has said he won’t think about retiring until he starts to suck, but what about switching to another team since the rest of his team sucks so badly? The Pats are going to be grossly outmatched by the Bengals, and this will be the Atlanta/Tampa Bay equivalent of week five. Expect Dalton, AJ Green and Gio Bernard to have themselves a day, and maybe expect Tom Brady to have himself a cry.
“If I played center, would they call them ‘ginger snaps’?”
—–
BMK: This week, the NFL world spent its collective time burying Tom Brady and the Patriots. It’s not entirely unjustified. But what I think we’re seeing here is reality crashing in on Belichick’s hubris. The Patriots have been doing very well for a long time without a roster of superior talent. Brady can usually overcome those problems, but what you’re seeing now is the result of Belichick believing he can win with anyone. That’s not the case, buddy. Anyway, since I’m a bandwagon guy, I’m going with the Ginger of Doom.
BENGALS
—
SEAHAWKS at REDSKINS
D.T.: I should be thankful to the NFL for how they’re scheduling these Monday night games, because there’s nothing worse than being hung over on a Tuesday. With these MNF match-ups, there’s been barely enough reason to watch, much less invest money in alcohol. At least the Seahawks are guaranteed to net me some major points in fantasy. Goodnight, everyone!
SEAHAWKS
BMK: The Seattle Seahawks beat Peyton Manning twice. Kirk Cousins is no Peyton Manning. Hell, he’s not even an Eli Manning at this point.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Please note, DT never sent me an updated gif of our scores through week four. I think it’s because I pulled ahead of him in the standings. So I took the liberty of making my own. Which I think kicks a whole lot of ass.
If you were to open up my mind, this is what you’d see. That and brains. Lots of brains. Cause I’m smart and shit.
This post was compiled and edited while listening to Spotify’s Deep Focus playlist. That and my superego telling me that I’m terrible. 😦
THUD NFL Picks Week 4
NOTE: This column is late this week because I (B.Michael) had to deal with flooding in my dining room. But I assure you, we had it written before Thursday Night Football, and nothing was changed to reflect the results of that game. Nothing at all. Really.
Week 4!
DT:
Some incredible drama was found in Week 3 of regulation! Many teams we had completely written off showed they had a huge amount of fight in them. Some shocked us with a rally in match-ups many felt they had no business winning (Cardinals versus Niners), some absorbed circumstances beyond their control and became stronger for it (Redskins against the Eagles), and some teams fell short but still impressed us with their tenacity and unwillingness to go quietly (Buccaneers versus Atlanta).
Just kidding about that Buccaneers bit — what a fucking embarrassment that was. I was actually referring to the Oakland Raiders. They’re still the Raiders, but who honestly didn’t think their match-up against the Patriots was going to be a black-and-silver blood bath?
Week Four may prove not to be as exciting or flashy, but that won’t stop us from drinking too much and investing like our lives depend on it. Except for Monday Night Football. Patriots at the Chiefs is not a legitimate reason to be hung over on a Tuesday. Unless you’re a Patriots or Chiefs fan — and you’re likely hungover most other days if you’re the latter.
BMK:
“[M]ay not prove to be as exciting or flashy?” Dear Lord, you can say that again. This week is as exciting as listening to Mannerheim Steamroller. It’s awful. There are very few “must watch” games and a bunch of pretty mundane match-ups. In fact, this week’s storylines are all variations of “is this previously elite team really this shitty?” Compelling, that.
Anyway, on to the picks…
—-
Giants at Redskins
D.T.: I don’t think anyone can, at this point, claim the Redskins don’t belong to Kirk Cousins (except for Captain Kirk himself, in his insistent politeness). He turned the team around from a dismal start, to an early contender just by showing up when that other guy got hurt. Cousins threw for three touchdowns and nearly 430 yards in their thriller against Philadelphia, and brought the team within three points of a win. Eli and the Giants may be coming off their first win against the Texans, but I don’t think they can match the excitement and momentum of what’s happening in Landover right now.
Off-camera: Dreams of ever starting in the NFL again, waving from afar.
REDSKINS
BMK: This game is interesting to me. I predict Eli Manning will have a great game and just trounce the Redskins. I also predict there will be four Kirk Cousins turnovers….oh who am I kidding. This was my original entry:
Right now I’m thinking the Giants are the fourth best team in the NFC East, just narrowly beating out Washington. So I’m going to give it to the home team. The way South Park gave it to Synder a few days ago. Hiyo.
REDSKINS
Nostradamus, I aint.
—-
Packers at Bears
D.T.: Last week, the Detroit defense scored more points than the Green Bay offense. That’s simply not supposed to happen in the NFC North, and Green Bay needs to do some real soul-searching. Chicago’s defense is superior to Detroit’s, and riding high right now. Their offense isn’t too bad, either. Green Bay needs to figure out what’s broken on both sides of the ball rectify it, or they’ll be next on the menu for the Bears’ post-hibernation feast. I’m not sure they will.
BEARS
BMK: This is a good example about how hard it is to pick games. The Bears are doing very well (so far) and the Packers aren’t (so far), so who do you pick? On one hand, the Bears are at home and are playing great, but do you see the Packers going 1-3?
That said, I’m going with the Bears this week. I could tell you that it’s because Cutler is leading a passing attack in the top half of the league, and that I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense at all. Or that it’s because these teams are both evenly matched so I’ll go with the home team. But, to be honest, Chavez was mean to me in the NFL thread the other day and he likes the Packers. So I’m taking the Bears. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS DAVE!
BEARS
—-
Bills at Texans
D.T.: The Bills hit a speed bump in the first leg of their possible comeback tour. Losing against a San Diego team that’s defeated the championship Seahawks team is nothing to be ashamed of, however. This week, they’re up against a Texans squad in a similar position: coming off their first loss of the season at the hands of a nigh unstoppable team. Both teams want to stay at the top of their divisions for as long as possible (did I really just type that about both the Bills AND Texans?), and the only way to do that right now is to go through each other. My prediction? Offense will make the difference in this match-up of decent defenses, and Buffalo will maintain their race against New England for AFC East supremacy.
BILLS
BMK: A lot of people think Ryan Fitzpatrick is smart because he went to Harvard. Me, I think Fitzpatrick’s smart because he got out of Buffalo, a city that’s fit for neither man nor beast. That said, he landed in Houston. Which is like living in the Devil’s asshole. The Devil’s humid asshole.
BILLS
—-
Titans at Colts
D.T.: Another promising, future elite quarterback with many weapons at his disposal who can’t seem to get it together just yet. Andrew Luck’s throwing arm is in top shape and this is an ideal year for him to break out — however, his offense has been struggling of late, and that’s mostly due to poor play calling from the booth. For better or worse, The Neckbeard was chosen as Manning’s successor in Indianapolis, and it’s time they had the same realization that Denver Head Coach John Fox had with Peyton: untie the leash and great things are possible. And they better learn it quick, because the Titans are an unassuming force to be reckoned with. They typically fly under most people’s radar, but their defense has been quietly excelling and making some fantastic strides. I think the Colts can pull it together, but not without some faith in their quarterback’s instincts.
COLTS
BMK: This match-up is so compelling that every time I try to write about it I fall asleep. I’m not even sure fans of these two teams are looking forward to this one.
Anyway, as boring as this game is/will be, it’s still better than baseball.
COLTS
—-
Panthers at Ravens
D.T.: Cam Newton is playing like a quarterback with injured ribs. He’s looking to avoid getting hit, and he’s throwing for the route instead of the receiver. Too many times already we’ve seen him toss the ball away quickly into coverage while his offensive line struggles, when capable receivers like Kelvin Benjamin wait in open field. Against the Ravens defense, that’s a dangerous way of operating. The loss of Greg Hardy was visible in their week three loss to the Steelers, as well. The Panthers are a highly viable team, and the Ravens’ weakness is their pass defense. Putting two and two together, if the Carolina offensive line can hold and Cam can overcome his ailments, the Panthers can take this. If not, their back-up QB is a decent enough option.
PANTHERS
BMK: DTs points are largely correct, but my gut is telling me to take the Ravens, especially at home. Newton’s not playing like Newton and the Ravens seem to have a chip on their shoulder this season. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because no one knows why they’re named the Ravens.
RAVENS
—-
Lions at Jets
D.T.: It’s a pretty even match-up here, folks. Both teams sport what are, as of week 4, the two best defenses in the league. The Lions’ defense was able to pick apart the Giants and Packers, but stumbled against Cam and the Panthers. The Jets defense has held their own as well, but the New York team has only managed to score a win against the Raiders, so far (who hasn’t, right?). It’s going to come down to which offense wants to more. If Matt Stafford can figure out how to throw the ball to two of the best receivers in the league and Reggie Bush can put one foot in front of the other, the defense can likely do the rest. Let’s just hope they don’t injure themselves during any possible celebrating.
Was this a freak accident, or is Aaron Rodgers a vindictive telekinetic?
LIONS
BMK: Ugh. This game has all the watchability and appeal of a Family Guy marathon. Only with more laughs.
The Giant from Twin Peaks has some advice for anyone thinking about watching this dreck.
LIONS
—-
Buccaneers at Steelers
DT:
These lovely ladies were kind enough to demonstrate Lovie Smith’s playbook for us.
STEELERS
BMK: Last week I made a joke about San Diego’s Gates finding the Fountain of Middle Age because he’s playing so well. Last week it looked like the Steelers found the same fountain cause they destroyed the Panthers. Of course, this week they’re playing the Buccaneers so they won’t need it at all.
On the side note, is it just me, or do you think Big Ben spends a lot of time asking Coach Tomlin to tell him about the rabbits?
STEELERS
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Dolphins at Raiders
And here they are again, to demonstrate the Oakland Raiders’ strategy. Thanks, ladies!
D.T.: I actually think the Raiders might, dare I say it, stand a chance against the ‘Fins — if only because this game is being hosted in England. Miami won’t know what to do without sunshine, whereas the Raiders spend their existence in eternal darkness. They don’t experience any advantage in the Oakland stadium they share with the Athletics, but they will feel right at home in the cold, dreary autumn of London. Eh, fuck it.
RAIDERS
BMK: Ah yes, the London game. With these teams playing, this is the biggest bomb lobbed at London since the Blitz. I’m going with Oakland. I mean, they’re due, right? RIGHT?
RAIDERS
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Jaguars at Chargers
D.T.: We’ll let the ladies rest and let the blood rush back out of their heads for this one. The Jaguars should be glad they’re not going off to London this week, because they’d likely not be coming back. The Chargers are fired up after two consecutive wins against decent teams, and while I’m not above expecting an upset… it’s plainly not going to happen here.
CHARGERS
BMK: In lieu of picking against the Jaguars – which is the only rational course of action week after week – I’m going to post fun science facts. This week’s subject is the Snow Monkey.
The Japanese macaque is sexually dimorphic. Males weigh on average 11.3 kg (25 lb), while females average 8.4 kg (19 lb). Macaques from colder areas tend to weigh more than ones from warmer areas. Male average height is 570.1 mm (22.44 in) and female average height is 522.8 mm (20.58 in). Japanese macaques have short stumps for tails that average 92.51 mm (3.642 in) in males and 79.08 mm (3.113 in) in females. The macaque has a pinkish face and posterior. The rest of its body is covered in brown, greyish, or yellowish hair. The coat of the macaque is well-adapted to the cold and its thickness increases as temperatures decrease. The macaque can cope with temperatures as low as -20 °C (-4 °F).
CHARGERS.
—-
Eagles at 49ers
GAME OF THE WEEK ANALYSIS! COMING SOON!
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Falcons at Vikings
D.T.: The Vikings can’t catch a break. They’re moving forward without their star Running Back, and now their Quarterback controversy is finally at an unfortunate end with Matt Cassel’s season-ending foot injury. It’s now up to Teddy Bridgewater to take the reins and lead the team against a surprisingly-intimidating Falcons squad. An inexperienced rookie Quarterback and a struggling running game will leave Atlanta’s defense with ample opportunity to deliver another thrashing.
Looking back, it would have been kinder to give him a youth-sized jersey.
FALCONS
BMK: To paraphrase Storm in X-Men 1: You know what happens to a Viking that goes up against the best passing attack in the league, especially when the Viking is starting a rookie QB and has no rushing attack himself?
The Viking loses the football game.
FALCONS
—-
Saints at Cowboys
D.T.: The Saints’ running game isn’t what it should be with starting Running Back Mark Ingram having recently undergone surgery on his broken hand. However, the Cowboys’ defense should prove a good environment for back-ups Khiry Robinson and Pierre Thomas to hit a comfortable stride and set a tone for the next few weeks. The Dallas defense is just a mess, and last week they were only able to secure a narrow come-from-behind victory against an ailing Rams team. I’m going with the Saints here — and if they can’t right their course and tight up, there’s at least light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a visit from the Buccaneers next week.
SAINTS
BMK: This one has the same problems as the Packers/Bears game. The Cowboys have been playing decently enough to be 2-1 but do you really see the Saints going 1-3? Me neither.
SAINTS
—-
Patriots at Chiefs
D.T.: Finishing out the week with less than a bang but more than a whimper, the Patriots march into Kansas City looking for a 3-1 record. They do so with a hitch in their step, departing from Oakland with a victory not nearly as dramatic and easy as they would have liked. I think we’ll see the ball spend a lot of time on the ground, with the Chiefs’ running game still formidable without Jamaal Charles, but their own rushing defense leaving New England an opening. The Patriots’ improved secondary will put pressure on Smith, and the Chiefs’ will offer Brady the same, knowing full well to keep Gronkowski and the New England receiver corps from lighting any fires. Another likely factor in Brady’s performance will be the noise level in Arrowhead stadium. Their offense is already fighting poor communication and lack of chemistry, and intense outside disruptions will create even more static. I think the Chiefs might be the victors here.
“Don’t look at his butt, don’t look at his butt, don’t look at his butt…”
CHIEFS
BMK: Picking this game is tougher than I thought, especially when God gives you linguini in your brain instead of Football IQ. The Patriots are in the toilet offensively and the Chief’s aren’t much better. But what do you expect when the team is being led by Alex Smith, the NFL’s version of mixing red wine and Ambien? I’m going with the Patriots since they have the number one defense in the league, which should negate the Chief’s strength, which is their running game. However, nothing the Patriots are doing on offense should scare anyone. Even with the vaunted Tom Brady.
CHIEFS
Record through week 3.
This post was edited and assembled while watching Doc of the Dead and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the Serpico episode.
THUD NFL Picks Week 3
DT: It’s getting weird out there, folks, and it’s only going to get more weird. Week two saw several bizarre upsets, many key players injured or deactivated for off-field offenses, and the overall climate of the league is not a positive one. Still, that’s for the suits and sponsors to deal with, while we fans have our own responsibilities: playing it savvy on the fantasy waiver wire, and not drinking ourselves into a coma. Week three should hold even more surprises as many teams’ morale will shift, and teams start taking a concerned look at their records so far.
BMK: Agreed. Last week was terrible. It showed you just how unpredictable, scary, and brutal the league and its players can be.
And the games were even worse, amirite? But seriously folks, I gotta tell ya…
Anyway, what’s interesting to me is that, since the new playoff format started, only 12% of the teams that go 0-2 make it to the playoffs. Which means that it’s possible neither the Colts or the Saints will make it to the post-season. Of the current crop of 0-2 teams, I’m thinking the Colts have the easier path to post-season glory, since their division is sort of weak and Andrew Luck is a great QB. Which means the Saints would stay home in January. Considering how many people had the Saints in the Superbowl, that’s amazing. And amusing to me. Since I hate LA.
And Louisiana aint so great either. Hiyo.
BUCCANEERS at FALCONS
D.T.: Tampa Bay came into the new season with a lot of promise. However, they failed to beat a Panthers team who played without their star quarterback, and let the broken Rams team, led by a third-string quarterback, squeak away with a win in week two. This week, they face the Falcons, who are coming off a high from win against their most-hated divisional rival, and their second week at home. The Bucs will shift into panic mode as they come away 0-3.
FALCONS.
BMK: Roddy White’s an idiot, but he’s part of the number one ranked passing attack in the league. At least, he normally is. He may not be this week. But anyway, I’m taking The Atlanta Matt Ryans for this one. You’d be wise to do the same. Especially if you want to be a winner like me.
Pictured: B. Michael Krol
FALCONS
—–
CHARGERS at BILLS
D.T.: Who thought the Bills would be here, coming into week three? They’ve beaten two teams they were favored to lose against, including the Dolphins, who were running on momentum from spanking the Patriots in week one. I’m playing favorites here and personally hoping they beat the Chargers; mostly because I dislike the Chargers, and would like to see the Bills have the championship belt for a week. The Chargers are coming off a win against a Seattle team that doesn’t quite look like the champions we saw last season, but is still a force. I see San Diego doing fairly well going forward (I think I predicted them as having a winning season in my pre-season write-up), but remaining inconsistent, as their first two weeks have illustrated. I’m going with the scrappy, underdog Bills.
BILLS
BMK: San Diego is riding high off their victory against Seattle. After the refs spotted Seattle 7, San Diego spent the rest of the game dismantling the Seahawks. Which made my black, black, heart happy.
They’re going to win again this week. I like Philip Rivers a lot (but you know, not “like like”), and Gates seems to have found the fountain of middle-age somewhere. They’ll win easily in the land of tangy chicken wings.
Incidentally, if you’ve never been to Buffalo, keep it that way. I was there for a wedding years ago and it was depressing. And their famous chicken wings suck.
CHARGERS
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COWBOYS at RAMS
D.T.: The Cowboys’ shaky offense and non-existent defense are going to be decimated by each team they play of superior or equal talent. However, they’ll keep their record middling by picking off teams with weaknesses. The Titans were such a team, and the Rams will be, too.
Pictured: 2014 Cowboys
As much as I’d like to see the Rams recover from their dire quarterback situation, I think the Cowboys will capitalize and find a hollow victory in achieving 2-1 in week three.
COWBOYS
BMK: I don’t know what will win here: St. Louis’s incompetence or Dallas’s. I’m picking Dallas because Tony Romo is better than St. Louis’s 3rd string QB. Thus, Dallas’s long march to 8-8 continues apace.
COWBOYS
—–
REDSKINS at EAGLES
D.T.: How freaking weird are the Washington Redskins? They have an injury prone quarterback that can’t be trusted to stay healthy or maintain a consistent quality of play, yet they continue to rally around him. Kirk Cousins stepped in after RGIII suffered yet another lower body injury, and the guy rallied the ‘Skins to a 41-10 win against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Washington needs to realize that the reality of Cousins being a better fit for their offense and the team’s chemistry with him is a better option that the idea of RGIII. Regardless of all this, the Eagles’ no-huddle offense is absolutely explosive right now, and they’ll run circles around the Redskins.
EAGLES
BMK: This is a tough one to pick, and not just because of my clear incompetence at picking football winners. Philadelphia is a talented team that’s features Darren “Tiny Typhoon” Sproles, but Washington destroyed Jacksonville last week, once Kirk “Tradebait” Cousins got into the game. Still, as good as “Philadelphia” is I don’t see them going 3-0. This will be my famous last words, obviously…
Oh, and I’d just like to point out that I was one week off from my prediction of Kirk Cousins having a great week after an RGIII injury. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, DT???!!!???
WASHINGTON
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TEXANS at GIANTS
D.T.: After their loss in week one, Giants Wide Receiver Victor Cruz went on record saying that the key to jump-starting the Giants’ offense was to throw the ball to him.
Yeah, not so much, Victor.
Of the 40 passes Eli Manning was able to fire off in week two, about a quarter of them went to Victor. He caught half of them, and the Giants went on to suffer another frustrating defeat at the hands of the Cardinals. Coming up against a super-powered defense from Houston, the Giants will continue to disappoint and earn themselves an 0-3 record. The Texans will build on their current 2-0 record with a respectable win, and JJ Watt will consider requesting his designation be changed to “Person Hitter/Ball Catcher” in 2015.
TEXANS
BMK: Houston is currently sitting at 2-0, which was their record last year before completely nose-diving for the rest of the season, nearly killing their coach in the process. Houston has seemingly improved from last year (how’s THAT for insightful analysis), but I’m concerned about their ability to score points. I’m taking the Giants here because I think Eli and the boys will want to make up for their defeat last week. So, if you’re a betting man, take Houston. And then go get help. Since no one should be gambling on sports. And if you are, you should not be using my picks. What are you, a lunatic?
And DT, respectfully, I’m not sure anyone involved in the NFL should change their title to “Person Hitter.” It sends the wrong message about violence in sports.
GIANTS
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VIKINGS at SAINTS
D.T.: Hoo-boy. Both of these teams are sitting in the middle of a shit-storm. Adrian Peterson is deactivated for abusing his children, and half the Saints roster should be deactivated for the abuse they took from Cleveland last week. Cleveland.
This Gatorate jug may contain 2% Manziel urine.
The Saints really need to examine what’s happening on both sides of the ball. Drew “Knocked Over by a Stiff” Brees was able to bring the offense back from the dead, but their defense still allowed the Browns to best them. In any other season (besides 2011) this would have been a slam dunk, but Cleveland is showing some real fight, and after what they were able to accomplish in a narrow loss to Pittsburgh in week one, it’s not fair to call either of New Orleans’ losses a fluke. Will the Saints dust themselves off and claim their first win, or will Minnesota recover from their loss against New England? Will the revelation of Cordarelle Patterson and Matt Asiata trample all over New Orleans’ defense? I honestly have no idea what will happen with these two teams. But…
SAINTS
BMK: New Orleans is reeling right now, but I can’t believe that they’ll go down 0-3. They just can’t…can they???
No, not against Minnesota. In fact, this game should be a total ass whoopin. The kind you get sent to prison for. Only the Saints won’t get sent to prison, they’ll get sent back to New Orleans, which is worse than prison. Since it’s hot and filled with drunk people. And poisonous snakes. Don’t forget those.
SAINTS
—–
TITANS at BENGALS
D.T.: The toe injury suffered by Bengals Wide Receiver AJ Green, in their victory over the Falcons last week, leaves the Cincinnati offense in question. It’s been announced the injury isn’t long-term, but the time-table for Green’s return isn’t clear. If he comes back well enough to play, the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee. If he’s unable to perform… the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee.
BENGALS
BMK: Prisco over at CBS Sports has Cincy as the number one team in the NFL right now. I think that might be stretching it a bit (and who are you going to believe? An “analyst” who spends thousands of hours examining game tape and statistics, or some dude with a wordpress blog who makes his picks after drinking?), but Cincy should win easily here. The Ginger of Doom will pass all over Tennessee’s secondary and Cincinnati’s defense should handle the Titan’s adorable attempts at offense. Really guys – it’s cute. The way you throw and run the ball…
BENGALS
—–
RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: There’s seriously no empirical data or evidence to suggest one team will beat the other. Let’s just look at some cheerleaders. Wait… the Browns don’t have cheerleaders? Ohio is home to two NFL teams, the Football Hall of Fame, a history of having very little reason to watch the field, and one of their teams doesn’t have cheerleaders? It’s like the NFL is actively trying to make this part of the column difficult for me to write. I’m rage-quitting this prediction, and picking the Browns.
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are 1-1 under Brian “THE DESTROYAH” Hoyer. I’m rooting for this kid to succeed. Because the longer he does well, the less Manziel we’ll have in our lives. And that’s a good thing.
Relax DT, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings…
BROWNS
—–
PACKERS at LIONS
D.T.: NFC North divisional games are always fun, because each team has a great quarterback and receivers, and none of them have any sort of passing defense. They always turn into exciting, decent-scoring shootouts, and this time around should be no different. However, Detroit has to figure out a way to make Megatron and Tate relevant if they want to keep up with the ridiculous chemistry Green Bay’s enjoying between Quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Wide Receiver Jordy Nelson. If Stafford can snap out of his funk and take full advantage of the dangerous long game he has at his disposal, this could turn into an exciting match-up.
PACKERS
BMK: This is a tough one to call. I think I’m giving it to Detroit because a) they’re at home, b) and I trust their defense a little more. Plus they’re the Lions, and Lions used to fight Packers in ancient Rome, who’d always lose. Even back then the Packers had a crappy defense.
LIONS
—–
COLTS at JAGUARS
D.T.: If the Colts can wake up Andrew Luck (seriously, the guy was already sporting a thousand-yard stare during the National Anthem) keep their dumb-ass offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton (more like Lethargic Hamilton, right?) in check, they should enjoy the first of two bye weeks this season.
“Hello Darkness, my old friend…”
However, the gross incompetence of last week’s play-calling against the Eagles probably has this team riding on a low level of confidence. The Jags may score themselves some points and put up a decent fight, but if Luck can call his own shots and find a way to upgrade his connection with TY Hilton and Reggie Wayne from dial-up back to cable, they should clean house.
Keeping this fucking guy off the field wouldn’t hurt, either.
COLTS
BMK: Really?
COLTS
—–
RAIDERS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Holy shit, the Raiders are playing the Patriots? So much for watching football. I’ll be spending the day keeping my friend James, who’s an Oakland native, from killing himself and everyone in a mile radius.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Good luck with your buddy James, DT. But I don’t think you have to worry about much. I live in the East Bay and no one out here thinks the Raiders are any good. Except that dude that dresses like Darth Vadar and goes to the games. But he’s homeless and smells like piss. In other words, just like every other Raiders fan out there.
Anyway, there is absolutely no way – literally, no way – that Oakland can win this. Which means Oakland will win it in a rout.
NEW ENGLAND
—–
49ERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The NFC West’s first divisional match-up. The 49ers come into this match-up in Arizona with their pass rushing hindered by Outside Linebacker Aldon Smith’s suspension, and their offense troubled by Tight End Vernon Davis’ questionable eligibility due to an injury. The Cardinals are a great home team, but Quarterback Carson Palmer and star Running Back Andre Ellington are likely to be game-time decisions again. The Cardinals’ strength lies in their defense, and ability to create turnovers — if they can create the same type of atmosphere as we saw in the Chicago/San Francisco game and avoid drawing penalties, we could see the Cards walk out with the first NFC West divisional win, and a 3-0 record. I’ll bank on that.
CARDINALS
BMK: Okay, I watched the 49ers game last week and I have to say, as a resident of the Bay Area, I loved the second half. It was everything I wanted in a football game. Harbaugh’s tears make for a delicious vintage no wine from Napa can match.
That said, I cannot pick Arizona here. First of all, the 49ers always play Arizona tough. Back in the day, when SF went 2-12, their lone two victories were against the Cardinals. Second, the Cardinals do not have much of a pass rush, and SF has one of the best offensive lines going right now, even with its issues on the right side. Third, most importantly, I’ve been picking against them all along here and they’ve been winning. So why change that?
SAN FRANCISCO
—–
BRONCOS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Without a doubt, the game of the week and the one that will receive the most attention. The Broncos spent the entire offseason using the anger of their Super Bowl loss to fuel their training and resolve. Sunday night it will all come to a head, they’ll be out for blood. Peyton Manning will demand nothing less than perfection, but will he get it against the Seattle squad who, despite a loss against the Chargers last week, still looks razor sharp and deadly?
I kind of hope so, because no one wants to see this shit again.
Officiating is likely to play a huge factor in this match-up, as both teams will be playing with tons of physicality. Expect lots of yellow flags, including personal fouls and unsportsmanlike conduct, and possibly an injury or two. In the end, I see a bitter and determined Broncos squad handing the Seahawks their second home loss in Russell Wilson’s tenure.
BRONCOS
BMK: Seattle got embarrassed last week by the Chargers, so normally I’d pick Seattle to win in a rout since they have something to prove. Problem is, Peyton Manning was way more embarrassed in the Superbowl by Seattle. So who do you pick in a battle between an immovable object vs. irresistible force? I’m picking Mr. Irresistible himself, Peyton Manning, to hand Seattle their first consecutive loss this season.
Oh, by the way, I know that the whole, irresistible force vs an immovable object thing is supposed to illustrate a stalemate between two evenly matched and powerful entities, and, technically, there can be no winner between the two, so don’t bother pointing it out. But if this does end up in a tie, I’ll owe you a coke.
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: Miami’s starting Running Back, Knowshon Moreno, is likely not to suit up against the Chiefs after dislocating his elbow on his first run in week two. His energy and drive was instrumental in their week one win against the Patriots, and his absence in week two played an obvious role in their week two loss against the Bills. The Chiefs have been near-decimated with injuries in just the first two weeks, with last week’s match-up adding Jamaal Charles and Safety Eric Berry to the list. Coupled with Alex Smith’s inability to complete half of his intended passes leaves the Kansas City offense in serious jeopardy. I don’t think they’ll pull off a road upset.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I have no idea who to pick here. So I got two cat treats and put them on two separate plates, each plate marked with a Chiefs or a Dolphins logo, and let my cat, Sam, go. Whichever team got their treat eaten, I’d pick.
You know what happened? That #U%)#_*$_ cat ate both treats. I need a new cat.
This guy sucks at making football picks almost as much as I do.
DOLPHINS
—–
STEELERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The return of Cam Newton brought with it an impressive win against the Lions, whose offense simply could not get it together. Carolina showed their ability to utilize their own green receiving corps, and rookie Kelvin Benjamin continues to prove himself a stud and a brilliant remedy for what many believed would be Carolina’s weakness this season. They’ll be without half of their Defensive Duo, however, as Greg Hardy has been deactivated while investigations over a domestic abuse case are being carried out.
“Guys, can you stop hitting women and kids? People are realizing I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.”
It’s a real blow to Carolina’s defense, and leaves the Steelers poised to exploit. Ben Rothlisberger is always a threat, and Running Back team Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount have been blazing it up.
Seen here, demonstrating the proper way to line up for a running play.
Even so, if Cam Newton’s offense can control the pacing of the game, they’re likely to punch holes in Pittsburgh’s struggling defense and send them home with a 1-2 record.
PANTHERS
BMK: Last week I picked the Steelers. I was sure – SURE! – that they would beat the Ravens, whom I was sure – SURE! – would be distracted and forlorn over the Ray Rice flap. These kinds of set-backs are why I have self-confidence issues. Anyway, the Steelers are reeling now, and they’ve almost tied me for defensive take-aways the last couple of weeks, so I’m dropping them this week. As will the Panthers.
PANTHERS
—–
BEARS at JETS
D.T.: A deceptively-interesting match-up to finish out the week. The Jets currently the sport the best running defense in the league, while Matt Forte has been held at 3.5 yards per carry on average. The Jets have the advantage here with Chris Ivory and Chris Johnson splitting touches to highly effective results. On the other hand, Jay Cutler is throwing incredibly well, and four of his receivers are already above 100 yards passing, each. They proved how much of a force their offense can be against San Francisco. If they can get Forte involved, and avoid any defensive confusion from offensive trick plays, they could really give Geno and the Jets a run for their money.
BEARS
BMK: Last week, the coaches lost it for the Jets. Rex Ryan needs to put his foot down and stomp out his staff’s incompetence before their season is lost. His coaches need to toe the line. By the way, did you see Rex Ryan’s post-game conference where he states he has no idea who called the time out that nullified a TD? It was a real foot-in-mouth moment.
Yes, this is being written by a 12 year-old, why?
BEARS
We clearly have no idea what we’re doing…
This post was written to Spotify’s Beats To Think To Playlist. Yeah, so what if I like techno…
Week 2 Football Picks for CHUD. Sort of…
D.T.: Week One of the 2014 NFL season is now in the books. Like Jacksonville’s head-scratching pull head in the first half of their match-up with Philly, or Knowshon Moreno making Tom Brady cry into his towel, parts of the week left us amazed, thrilled and reminded us why we fight to survive the seven months of off-season. Other parts of the first week surprised no one at all, like Roger Goodell revealing yet again how incompetent he is. It’s going to be a weird, exciting, unpredictable season and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
B.Michael: Yeah, pretty much. The one thing I’ll add is the patented NFL overreaction is happening on schedule. No one should be surprised that that Seattle beat Green Bay, or that the 49ers beat Dallas. Defense has never been Green Bay’s strength and what they’re really good at – throwing the ball like crazy – is nullified by Seattle’s lock-down secondary. Seattle winning does not mean they’ll repeat this year. Same applies to the 49ers. They beat Dallas, who will likely have one of, if not the, worst defenses in the league. Everyone needs to calm down.
Except the fans in Pittsburgh. Apparently they hanged Manziel in effigy before the Browns/Steelers game. That’s awesome. I’ve never been prouder to be a former resident of Pittsburgh.
STEELERS AT RAVENS
D.T.: The Steelers head out to Baltimore for their second divisional rival game in as many weeks. They nearly blew it last week against Cleveland, letting Hoyer command the Browns towards closing the 24 point gap they created at half time, and quell demands for Manziel’s debut. Rothlisberger looked sharp, and showed he’s still able to put it in the hole from deep. Just keep it consensual and of age, Ben. I see the Steelers coming in hungry for that first win, and the Ravens continuing to be distracted by the controversy plaguing their locker room.
Referring, of course, to Poe’s racy leaked selfies.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m not sold on Pittsburgh yet. That said, I the Ravens are coming off of a short week and, um, a lot of other distractions. So I’m going with Pittsburgh too.
PS: If any of the Ravens players claim they’re playing this one for Janay, I’m taking a shotgun to the nearest road sign.
STEELERS
—-
DOLPHINS AT BILLS
D.T.: Both teams surprised everyone last week, defeating their favored opponents, and the latter pissing off 80% of survivor pool players. Tom Brady out-threw Ryan Tannehill in every area except the one that counts most, while Knowshon Moreno was a revelation, showing no fear as he marched through enemy territory. In Chicago, Running Back Fred Jackson was the hero as he stomped his way to the one yard line, and allowed for a game-winning field goal that left Bills fans with more hope than they’ve had in ages. I see the Dolphins capitalizing more on their week one victory, and riding high in a second against against the Bills
DOLPHINS
BMK: Finally these two powerhouses from the AFC East square off. I predict it’ll be bigger than the Rumble in the Jungle, World War 2, and New Coke combined. It’ll also be a victory for Buffalo, since I trust the Bills defense more than Miami’s offense. Sorry DT — YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
BILLS
—–
JAGUARS AT REDSKINS
D.T.: The Redskins came into week one even more of a mess than most expected. Like I predicted, all Houston really needed to do was what they do best, and contain Washington’s failing offense long enough for the clock to tick down. The Jaguars showed a strangely-high level of confidence in the first half of their game against the Eagles, but were quickly stomped in a second-half rally and shut-out. Call me crazy, but if the Jaguars can do what they did in that first half against a team not nearly as capable of rallying, they could take it. I’m taking the risky pick and going with Jax.
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m with you picking the Jaguars here. I, like most thinking people, was impressed with what they did against the Eagles. I don’t think Washington has it in them to rally if they get behind. My guess is that they will, and RGIII’s post-game Subway Sub will be eaten fresh…fresh with his tears.
JAGUARS
—–
COWBOYS AT TITANS
D.T.: Yet another shocker, as the Titans took down an unfocused Alex Smith and strangely absent Jamaal Charles. Was it the Titans’ game to win, or the Chiefs’ to lose? Either way, I expect the Tennessee offense who had little trouble dismantling the highly-favored Kansas City defense holding down the fort and doing the same thing to a nearly non-existent secondary visiting from Dallas. Maybe we’ll get to see another Dez Bryant meltdown.
You kinda feel sorry for them…
…and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.
TITANS
BMK: Ugh, the Cowboys. Despite how bad they are, they might actually be the second best team in the NFC East. Hopefully Romo will get over his desire to throw passes to the other team’s defensive players, but I doubt it. With their defense being a complete mess they’ll get behind early and then Romo will start throwing passes like underwear at a Ted Nugent concert: off-target and reeking of desperation.
Yeah, I don’t get it either, but I you to think of the Nuge and reeking old lady underwear. So there’s that.
TITANS
CARDINALS AT GIANTS
D.T.: Is it still considered a homer pick if there’s very little chance of your team losing? The Lions had the Giants defeated and discouraged in the 1st quarter of their week one meeting, and I just don’t think New York has an answer for what Arizona will bring. Yes, we got lucky with a one point win on Monday night, but our defense held steady against a Chargers team being called a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but Carson Palmer looked creative and inventive (two things we haven’t been able to call Eli Manning in a long time), throwing to 11 different receivers — and all of them on his team!
CARDINALS
BMK: I was at that game and I saw a lot to like about the Cardinals. But I am very concerned about their defensive front seven and Eli Manning has a habit of winning when he shouldn’t. Plus this game is on the east coast, where is has been habitually difficult for west coast teams to win.
As we established last week, God hates me. I want to pick the Cards but this has trap game written all over it. I’m taking the Giants.
GIANTS
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PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS
D.T.: The Patriots are coming to Minnesota with the sting of losing a season opener to a divisional rival. The Vikings invite them in after completely blowing out a broken St. Louis squad. I say the anger of being embarrassed outweighs the satisfaction and drive from stomping out a hurting team. Patriots will double their efforts and secure a 1-1 record in week 2. And I think Gronk will live to fight another day.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Week 1’s result was embarrassing for our heroes Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. I have it on good authority Tom cried himself to sleep last Sunday night…on a bed stuffed with Clevelands and being comforted by a supermodel. In short, being Tom Brady doesn’t suck, but we knew that.
This week Belichick and Brady will come up with a way to ice the Vikings. I believe in Belichick. But I also believed in Harvey Dent, sooo…
PATRIOTS
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SAINTS AT BROWNS
D.T.: Both teams came out of the first week with narrow losses in their division, and left both teams with the lowest defense rankings in the league. Both will be looking to prove a point, and one of them has a serious shot of looking absolutely foolish in the process. The Saints offense outranks the Browns in every way (at least until Josh Gordon is probably, maybe, most likely reinstated and can give up his career as a car salesman), and I expect them to dish out the sort of victory we grew accustomed to seeing from them in 2013. The Brows are a scrappy team, and coming from nothing with something big to prove. I kind of hope they do (and I hope Hoyer can keep demands for Manziel at bay), but I don’t think they’ll start to do that until week 3.
They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints are going to march in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!!??) to Cleveland and dismantle the Browns. If Hoyer starts really screwing up, watch for Johnny to come marching in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!??) and take over. And promptly be destroyed by Rob Ryan and his lovely silver locks.
SAINTS
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FALCONS AT BENGALS
D.T.: The Falcon’s narrow victory over their hated New Orleans rival landed them the top spot in league offensive rankings. Matty Ice reminded us of his reputation for being clutch in tight situations, and out threw Breesus, King of the Drews, 3-1 in touchdowns and by a margin of over 110 passing yards. Their week 2 match-up in Cincinnati might prove to be one of the more intense and interesting, as they take on Andy Dalton and A.J. Green’s pairing, capable of such feats as a 77 yard touchdown pass in fourth quarter situations. It’ll be an offensive shoot out to the end, and I see Matt Ryan out throwing Andy Dalton, even on his home turf.
FALCONS
BMK: Really DT, Breesus, King of the Drews? Oi vey that’s bad…But I can’t disagree with your analysis.
FALCONS
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LIONS AT PANTHERS
D.T.: A cats game! The Panthers have guaranteed the return of Cam Newton in the second week, which should help them build from the momentum of last week’s victory over the Buccaneers. I’m intrigued to see the chemistry between Kelvin Benjamin and his starting quarterback, after looking like a stud in week one with back-up Derek Anderson. Kelvin and TE Greg Olsen both look to be the weapons Cam needs for Carolina’s chance at success this season. The Lions were off to a fantastic start, with Matthew Stafford’s chemistry with unstoppable wide receiver Calvin Johnson setting the tone very quickly against the Giants last week. Will they be able to work that type of magic against the Panthers’ dominant defense? Maybe not to such a dazzling degree, but I think so.
LIONS
BMK: Cam coming back is good news…I guess. But I expect the Lions to win here. They looked pretty damn good last week against the Giants. And while the Panthers are a better team than the Giants, I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference.
And yeah, that bit of analysis came after I couldn’t come up with a pun that involved the word pussy that wasn’t base. You’re welcome.
LIONS
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RAMS AT BUCCANEERS
D.T.: It’s tough to view the Rams’ performance last week and maintain any sort of optimism or neutrality about their chances against Tampa Bay. Resorting to a third-string quarterback in the first half of the first game of the season, the Rams just looked lost and confused. Vikings’ rookie Running Back Cordarelle Patterson had himself a day, walking on the backs of the Rams to three touchdowns in his regular season debut, the latter of whom could only meekly answer with a pair of field goals. Tampa had their share of disappointments in week one as well, watching star Running Back (are we still calling him a star at this point?) Doug Martin terrify fans yet again by leaving the field with a quad injury, after earning a barely-worth-mentioning 9 yards rushing. Still the Rams are painfully vulnerable, and the Bucs may be poised to exploit that and earn their first W.
She only looks happy because she’s paid very little to do so.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: DT goes the extra mile here and actually offers analysis, but c’mon…it’s the Rams behind Shaun Hill. Possibly behind the dude not good enough to supplant Shaun Hill or for me to Google.
BUCCANEERS
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SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS
D.T.: I really only have two predictions for this game: the Seahawks will win, and Phillip Rivers will have another temper tantrum. Even though it pains me to type this next word in all caps…
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Prediction?
Pain…
SEAHAWKS
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TEXANS AT RAIDERS
D.T.: The only thing keeping the Raiders’ season interesting this early on is the fact that they’re playing opponents they have an ice cube’s chance in hell of beating.
Get it? Because I said “ice cube” in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that’s comedy.
Quarterback Derek Carr showed some promise, despite the Raiders being dominated by the Jets. If he can keep that focus and not be intimidated by the inevitability of J.J. Watt firmly yet tenderly putting him to bed — oh, what am I saying? It’s the Texans. The Texans will win.
TEXANS
BMK: The only hope the Raiders have here is if the Texans players take BART to the Coliseum and are stabbed on their way through the parking lot. Other than that…
TEXANS
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JETS AT PACKERS
D.T.: This one might actually be more interesting than people expect. Chris Johnson is a dangerous addition to the Jets running game, against a team known for their poor rushing defense. If Geno can work some magic in the air while Johnson and Ivory hold the ground game, the Jets could actually have a shot here. Still, the Pack needs to save face after the terrible loss they were handed by the last team to come over for a visit. I think I have to go with the safe choice and call on the Packers to win it. But I still really think this could be one of the more interesting Sunday games.
PACKERS
BMK: I was surprised at how well the Jets ran the ball last week. But the Jets secondary are the Oakland Raiders of secondaries. Rodgers will carve them up faster than Fat Rex used to carve up a ham.
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CHIEFS AT BRONCOS
D.T.: Denver’s first divisional match-up comes up as a home game against a rival that fell apart in week one. The last time these two teams crossed paths was in noisy Arrowhead Stadium against a Kansas City team running at full steam. Playing at home against the Broncos is a very different environment, however — just as the Colts, as they were dealt a defeat as revenge for what happened the last time they hosted Denver. If Alex Smith can get his head on straight and the Chiefs can get Jamaal Charles involved, they’ll become a force yet again. But Denver is looking to secure the comfort of a 2-0 record while they’re at home, and I don’t think Peyton will settle for anything less.
BRONCOS
BMK: It’s the regular season, so Peyton’s going to win. It’s just that simple. This year, he’s a man on a mission. When the playoffs come around though…
Bryan felt bad about his “analysis” for this game, but she thinks he’s tops.
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BEARS at 49ERS
D.T.: The 49ers offense had their way with Dallas last week, while the Bears defense couldn’t quite contain the Bills’ middling offense. In a clear-cut case of offense versus defense, I see the Bears giving it their all, but falling short of stopping a San Francisco offense that’s squirrely and hard to get a lock on. Measuring defense versus defense, the 49ers sacked Romo three times and enjoyed four forced turn-overs, while Chicago’s defense gave up nearly 200 rushing yards against the Bills running game. Advantage going into week two, and a win? It’s the 49ers.
49ERS
BMK: Last week, I expected the 49ers to win. They’re not a bad team by any stretch and even though I think Kaepernick is a tool, he plays behind a great offensive line and Dallas is a bad team, so he did his normal Kaepernick thing (medium range throws, 200 yards). I’m hoping that Chicago will actually give the 49ers a challenge. But as I stated before: God hates me.
49e…..ugh…I just can’t.
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EAGLES AT COLTS
D.T.: Wrapping up the week is a true Monday night shootout between Nick Foles and Andrew Luck. The Eagles might have an advantage with LeSean McCoy leading their rushing game against an Indy defense that allowed first-time starter Monte Ball over 60 yards and a touchdown. They’ll have significantly higher difficulty in containing Shady, but may get lucky if Nick Foles continues his streak of turnovers. It’ll be an exciting end to the week, seeing both teams try to systematically pick at each others weaknesses. Even though they have a running game that Bryan and I could fill in for and probably gain more yards, I have an inkling that Luck with lead the team to a win in the comfort of Lucas Oil Stadium.
COLTS
BMK: I’m picking the Colts here as well since they’re at home. Henne dropped nearly 300 yards and 2 TDs on the Eagles in week 1, so I’m pretty sure Luck will have no problem handling the Eagles defense.
COLTS
Note: This post was assembled listening the the Dandy Warhols’s first record. Bryan was surprised at its quality. Check it out.
Ruminations, etc.. 