Ruminations, etc..

NOTE: This column is late this week because I (B.Michael) had to deal with flooding in my dining room. But I assure you, we had it written before Thursday Night Football, and nothing was changed to reflect the results of that game.  Nothing at all. Really.

DT:

Some incredible drama was found in Week 3 of regulation! Many teams we had completely written off showed they had a huge amount of fight in them. Some shocked us with a rally in match-ups many felt they had no business winning (Cardinals versus Niners), some absorbed circumstances beyond their control and became stronger for it (Redskins against the Eagles), and some teams fell short but still impressed us with their tenacity and unwillingness to go quietly (Buccaneers versus Atlanta).

Just kidding about that Buccaneers bit — what a fucking embarrassment that was. I was actually referring to the Oakland Raiders. They’re still the Raiders, but who honestly didn’t think their match-up against the Patriots was going to be a black-and-silver blood bath?

Week Four may prove not to be as exciting or flashy, but that won’t stop us from drinking too much and investing like our lives depend on it. Except for Monday Night Football. Patriots at the Chiefs is not a legitimate reason to be hung over on a Tuesday. Unless you’re a Patriots or Chiefs fan — and you’re likely hungover most other days if you’re the latter.

BMK:

“[M]ay not prove to be as exciting or flashy?” Dear Lord, you can say that again. This week is as exciting as listening to Mannerheim Steamroller. It’s awful.  There are very few “must watch” games and a bunch of pretty mundane match-ups. In fact, this week’s storylines are all variations of “is this previously elite team really this shitty?”  Compelling, that.

Anyway, on to the picks…

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Giants at Redskins

D.T.: I don’t think anyone can, at this point, claim the Redskins don’t belong to Kirk Cousins (except for Captain Kirk himself, in his insistent politeness). He turned the team around from a dismal start, to an early contender just by showing up when that other guy got hurt. Cousins threw for three touchdowns and nearly 430 yards in their thriller against Philadelphia, and brought the team within three points of a win. Eli and the Giants may be coming off their first win against the Texans, but I don’t think they can match the excitement and momentum of what’s happening in Landover right now.

REDSKINS

BMK: This game is interesting to me. I predict Eli Manning will have a great game and just trounce the Redskins.  I also predict there will be four Kirk Cousins turnovers….oh who am I kidding. This was my original entry:

Right now I’m thinking the Giants are the fourth best team in the NFC East, just narrowly beating out Washington.  So I’m going to give it to the home team. The way South Park gave it to Synder a few days ago.  Hiyo. 

REDSKINS

Nostradamus, I aint.

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Packers at Bears

D.T.: Last week, the Detroit defense scored more points than the Green Bay offense. That’s simply not supposed to happen in the NFC North, and Green Bay needs to do some real soul-searching. Chicago’s defense is superior to Detroit’s, and riding high right now. Their offense isn’t too bad, either. Green Bay needs to figure out what’s broken on both sides of the ball rectify it, or they’ll be next on the menu for the Bears’ post-hibernation feast. I’m not sure they will.

BEARS

BMK: This is a good example about how hard it is to pick games.  The Bears are doing very well (so far) and the Packers aren’t (so far), so who do you pick?  On one hand, the Bears are at home and are playing great, but do you see the Packers going 1-3?

That said, I’m going with the Bears this week.  I could tell you that it’s because Cutler is leading a passing attack in the top half of the league, and that I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense at all.  Or that it’s because these teams are both evenly matched so I’ll go with the home team.  But, to be honest, Chavez was mean to me in the NFL thread the other day and he likes the Packers.  So I’m taking the Bears. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS DAVE!

BEARS

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Bills at Texans

D.T.: The Bills hit a speed bump in the first leg of their possible comeback tour. Losing against a San Diego team that’s defeated the championship Seahawks team is nothing to be ashamed of, however. This week, they’re up against a Texans squad in a similar position: coming off their first loss of the season at the hands of a nigh unstoppable team. Both teams want to stay at the top of their divisions for as long as possible (did I really just type that about both the Bills AND Texans?), and the only way to do that right now is to go through each other. My prediction? Offense will make the difference in this match-up of decent defenses, and Buffalo will maintain their race against New England for AFC East supremacy.

BILLS

BMK: A lot of people think Ryan Fitzpatrick is smart because he went to Harvard.  Me, I think Fitzpatrick’s smart because he got out of Buffalo, a city that’s fit for neither man nor beast. That said, he landed in Houston.  Which is like living in the Devil’s asshole. The Devil’s humid asshole.

BILLS

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Titans at Colts

D.T.: Another promising, future elite quarterback with many weapons at his disposal who can’t seem to get it together just yet. Andrew Luck’s throwing arm is in top shape and this is an ideal year for him to break out — however, his offense has been struggling of late, and that’s mostly due to poor play calling from the booth. For better or worse, The Neckbeard was chosen as Manning’s successor in Indianapolis, and it’s time they had the same realization that Denver Head Coach John Fox had with Peyton: untie the leash and great things are possible. And they better learn it quick, because the Titans are an unassuming force to be reckoned with. They typically fly under most people’s radar, but their defense has been quietly excelling and making some fantastic strides. I think the Colts can pull it together, but not without some faith in their quarterback’s instincts.

COLTS

BMK: This match-up is so compelling that every time I try to write about it I fall asleep.  I’m not even sure fans of these two teams are looking forward to this one.

Anyway, as boring as this game is/will be, it’s still better than baseball.

COLTS

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Panthers at Ravens

D.T.: Cam Newton is playing like a quarterback with injured ribs. He’s looking to avoid getting hit, and he’s throwing for the route instead of the receiver. Too many times already we’ve seen him toss the ball away quickly into coverage while his offensive line struggles, when capable receivers like Kelvin Benjamin wait in open field. Against the Ravens defense, that’s a dangerous way of operating. The loss of Greg Hardy was visible in their week three loss to the Steelers, as well. The Panthers are a highly viable team, and the Ravens’ weakness is their pass defense. Putting two and two together, if the Carolina offensive line can hold and Cam can overcome his ailments, the Panthers can take this. If not, their back-up QB is a decent enough option.
PANTHERS

BMK: DTs points are largely correct, but my gut is telling me to take the Ravens, especially at home.  Newton’s not playing like Newton and the Ravens seem to have a chip on their shoulder this season. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because no one knows why they’re named the Ravens.

RAVENS

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Lions at Jets

D.T.: It’s a pretty even match-up here, folks. Both teams sport what are, as of week 4, the two best defenses in the league. The Lions’ defense was able to pick apart the Giants and Packers, but stumbled against Cam and the Panthers. The Jets defense has held their own as well, but the New York team has only managed to score a win against the Raiders, so far (who hasn’t, right?). It’s going to come down to which offense wants to more. If Matt Stafford can figure out how to throw the ball to two of the best receivers in the league and Reggie Bush can put one foot in front of the other, the defense can likely do the rest. Let’s just hope they don’t injure themselves during any possible celebrating.

LIONS

BMK: Ugh. This game has all the watchability and appeal of a Family Guy marathon. Only with more laughs.

 

The Giant from Twin Peaks has some advice for anyone thinking about watching this dreck.

LIONS

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Buccaneers at Steelers

DT:

 

STEELERS

BMK: Last week I made a joke about San Diego’s Gates finding the Fountain of Middle Age because he’s playing so well.  Last week it looked like the Steelers found the same fountain cause they destroyed the Panthers.  Of course, this week they’re playing the Buccaneers so they won’t need it at all.

On the side note, is it just me, or do you think Big Ben spends a lot of time asking Coach Tomlin to tell him about the rabbits?

STEELERS

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Dolphins at Raiders

D.T.: I actually think the Raiders might, dare I say it, stand a chance against the ‘Fins — if only because this game is being hosted in England. Miami won’t know what to do without sunshine, whereas the Raiders spend their existence in eternal darkness. They don’t experience any advantage in the Oakland stadium they share with the Athletics, but they will feel right at home in the cold, dreary autumn of London. Eh, fuck it.

RAIDERS

BMK: Ah yes, the London game.  With these teams playing, this is the biggest bomb lobbed at London since the Blitz. I’m going with Oakland. I mean, they’re due, right? RIGHT?

RAIDERS

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Jaguars at Chargers

D.T.: We’ll let the ladies rest and let the blood rush back out of their heads for this one. The Jaguars should be glad they’re not going off to London this week, because they’d likely not be coming back. The Chargers are fired up after two consecutive wins against decent teams, and while I’m not above expecting an upset… it’s plainly not going to happen here.

CHARGERS

BMK: In lieu of picking against the Jaguars – which is the only rational course of action week after week – I’m going to post fun science facts. This week’s subject is the Snow Monkey.

The Japanese macaque is sexually dimorphic. Males weigh on average 11.3 kg (25 lb), while females average 8.4 kg (19 lb). Macaques from colder areas tend to weigh more than ones from warmer areas. Male average height is 570.1 mm (22.44 in) and female average height is 522.8 mm (20.58 in).  Japanese macaques have short stumps for tails that average 92.51 mm (3.642 in) in males and 79.08 mm (3.113 in) in females. The macaque has a pinkish face and posterior. The rest of its body is covered in brown, greyish, or yellowish hair. The coat of the macaque is well-adapted to the cold and its thickness increases as temperatures decrease. The macaque can cope with temperatures as low as -20 °C (-4 °F).

CHARGERS.

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Eagles at 49ers

GAME OF THE WEEK ANALYSIS! COMING SOON!

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Falcons at Vikings

D.T.: The Vikings can’t catch a break. They’re moving forward without their star Running Back, and now their Quarterback controversy is finally at an unfortunate end with Matt Cassel’s season-ending foot injury. It’s now up to Teddy Bridgewater to take the reins and lead the team against a surprisingly-intimidating Falcons squad. An inexperienced rookie Quarterback and a struggling running game will leave Atlanta’s defense with ample opportunity to deliver another thrashing.

FALCONS

BMK: To paraphrase Storm in X-Men 1: You know what happens to a Viking that goes up against the best passing attack in the league, especially when the Viking is starting a rookie QB and has no rushing attack himself?

The Viking loses the football game.

FALCONS

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Saints at Cowboys

D.T.: The Saints’ running game isn’t what it should be with starting Running Back Mark Ingram having recently undergone surgery on his broken hand. However, the Cowboys’ defense should prove a good environment for back-ups Khiry Robinson and Pierre Thomas to hit a comfortable stride and set a tone for the next few weeks. The Dallas defense is just a mess, and last week they were only able to secure a narrow come-from-behind victory against an ailing Rams team. I’m going with the Saints here — and if they can’t right their course and tight up, there’s at least light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a visit from the Buccaneers next week.

SAINTS

BMK: This one has the same problems as the Packers/Bears game. The Cowboys have been playing decently enough to be 2-1 but do you really see the Saints going 1-3? Me neither.

SAINTS

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Patriots at Chiefs

D.T.: Finishing out the week with less than a bang but more than a whimper, the Patriots march into Kansas City looking for a 3-1 record. They do so with a hitch in their step, departing from Oakland with a victory not nearly as dramatic and easy as they would have liked. I think we’ll see the ball spend a lot of time on the ground, with the Chiefs’ running game still formidable without Jamaal Charles, but their own rushing defense leaving New England an opening. The Patriots’ improved secondary will put pressure on Smith, and the Chiefs’ will offer Brady the same, knowing full well to keep Gronkowski and the New England receiver corps from lighting any fires. Another likely factor in Brady’s performance will be the noise level in Arrowhead stadium. Their offense is already fighting poor communication and lack of chemistry, and intense outside disruptions will create even more static. I think the Chiefs might be the victors here.

CHIEFS

BMK: Picking this game is tougher than I thought, especially when God gives you linguini in your brain instead of Football IQ.  The Patriots are in the toilet offensively and the Chief’s aren’t much better.  But what do you expect when the team is being led by Alex Smith, the NFL’s version of mixing red wine and Ambien? I’m going with the Patriots since they have the number one defense in the league, which should negate the Chief’s strength, which is their running game.  However, nothing the Patriots are doing on offense should scare anyone. Even with the vaunted Tom Brady.

CHIEFS

 

This post was edited and assembled while watching Doc of the Dead and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the Serpico episode.