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THUD NFL Picks Week 3

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DT: It’s getting weird out there, folks, and it’s only going to get more weird. Week two saw several bizarre upsets, many key players injured or deactivated for off-field offenses, and the overall climate of the league is not a positive one. Still, that’s for the suits and sponsors to deal with, while we fans have our own responsibilities: playing it savvy on the fantasy waiver wire, and not drinking ourselves into a coma. Week three should hold even more surprises as many teams’ morale will shift, and teams start taking a concerned look at their records so far.

BMK:  Agreed.  Last week was terrible. It showed you just how unpredictable, scary, and brutal the league and its players can be.

And the games were even worse, amirite? But seriously folks, I gotta tell ya…

Anyway, what’s interesting to me is that, since the new playoff format started, only 12% of the teams that go 0-2 make it to the playoffs. Which means that it’s possible neither the Colts or the Saints will make it to the post-season. Of the current crop of 0-2 teams, I’m thinking the Colts have the easier path to post-season glory, since their division is sort of weak and Andrew Luck is a great QB. Which means the Saints would stay home in January. Considering how many people had the Saints in the Superbowl, that’s amazing. And amusing to me.  Since I hate LA.

And Louisiana aint so great either. Hiyo.

BUCCANEERS at FALCONS

D.T.: Tampa Bay came into the new season with a lot of promise. However, they failed to beat a Panthers team who played without their star quarterback, and let the broken Rams team, led by a third-string quarterback, squeak away with a win in week two. This week, they face the Falcons, who are coming off a high from win against their most-hated divisional rival, and their second week at home. The Bucs will shift into panic mode as they come away 0-3.

FALCONS.

BMK: Roddy White’s an idiot, but he’s part of the number one ranked passing attack in the league. At least, he normally is. He may not be this week. But anyway, I’m taking The Atlanta Matt Ryans for this one. You’d be wise to do the same. Especially if you want to be a winner like me.

Pictured: B. Michael Krol

Pictured: B. Michael Krol

FALCONS

—–

CHARGERS at BILLS

D.T.: Who thought the Bills would be here, coming into week three? They’ve beaten two teams they were favored to lose against, including the Dolphins, who were running on momentum from spanking the Patriots in week one. I’m playing favorites here and personally hoping they beat the Chargers; mostly because I dislike the Chargers, and would like to see the Bills have the championship belt for a week. The Chargers are coming off a win against a Seattle team that doesn’t quite look like the champions we saw last season, but is still a force. I see San Diego doing fairly well going forward (I think I predicted them as having a winning season in my pre-season write-up), but remaining inconsistent, as their first two weeks have illustrated. I’m going with the scrappy, underdog Bills.

BILLS

BMK: San Diego is riding high off their victory against Seattle.  After the refs spotted Seattle 7, San Diego spent the rest of the game dismantling the Seahawks. Which made my black, black, heart happy.

They’re going to win again this week. I like Philip Rivers a lot (but you know, not “like like”), and Gates seems to have found the fountain of middle-age somewhere.  They’ll win easily in the land of tangy chicken wings.

Incidentally, if you’ve never been to Buffalo, keep it that way. I was there for a wedding years ago and it was depressing.  And their famous chicken wings suck.

CHARGERS

—–

COWBOYS at RAMS

D.T.: The Cowboys’ shaky offense and non-existent defense are going to be decimated by each team they play of superior or equal talent. However, they’ll keep their record middling by picking off teams with weaknesses. The Titans were such a team, and the Rams will be, too.

Pictured: 2014 Cowboys

Pictured: 2014 Cowboys

As much as I’d like to see the Rams recover from their dire quarterback situation, I think the Cowboys will capitalize and find a hollow victory in achieving 2-1 in week three.

COWBOYS

BMK: I don’t know what will win here: St. Louis’s incompetence or Dallas’s. I’m picking Dallas because Tony Romo is better than St. Louis’s 3rd string QB. Thus, Dallas’s long march to 8-8 continues apace.

COWBOYS

—–

REDSKINS at EAGLES

D.T.: How freaking weird are the Washington Redskins? They have an injury prone quarterback that can’t be trusted to stay healthy or maintain a consistent quality of play, yet they continue to rally around him. Kirk Cousins stepped in after RGIII suffered yet another lower body injury, and the guy rallied the ‘Skins to a 41-10 win against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Washington needs to realize that the reality of Cousins being a better fit for their offense and the team’s chemistry with him is a better option that the idea of RGIII. Regardless of all this, the Eagles’ no-huddle offense is absolutely explosive right now, and they’ll run circles around the Redskins.

EAGLES

BMK: This is a tough one to pick, and not just because of my clear incompetence at picking football winners. Philadelphia is a talented team that’s features Darren “Tiny Typhoon” Sproles, but Washington destroyed Jacksonville last week, once Kirk “Tradebait” Cousins got into the game.  Still, as good as “Philadelphia” is I don’t see them going 3-0.  This will be my famous last words, obviously…

Oh, and I’d just like to point out that I was one week off from my prediction of Kirk Cousins having a great week after an RGIII injury.  WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, DT???!!!???

WASHINGTON

—–

TEXANS at GIANTS

D.T.: After their loss in week one, Giants Wide Receiver Victor Cruz went on record saying that the key to jump-starting the Giants’ offense was to throw the ball to him.

Yeah, not so much, Victor.

Yeah, not so much, Victor.

Of the 40 passes Eli Manning was able to fire off in week two, about a quarter of them went to Victor. He caught half of them, and the Giants went on to suffer another frustrating defeat at the hands of the Cardinals. Coming up against a super-powered defense from Houston, the Giants will continue to disappoint and earn themselves an 0-3 record. The Texans will build on their current 2-0 record with a respectable win, and JJ Watt will consider requesting his designation be changed to “Person Hitter/Ball Catcher” in 2015.

TEXANS

BMK: Houston is currently sitting at 2-0, which was their record last year before completely nose-diving for the rest of the season, nearly killing their coach in the process.  Houston has seemingly improved from last year (how’s THAT for insightful analysis), but I’m concerned about their ability to score points.  I’m taking the Giants here because I think Eli and the boys will want to make up for their defeat last week. So, if you’re a betting man, take Houston.  And then go get help. Since no one should be gambling on sports. And if you are, you should not be using my picks.  What are you, a lunatic?

And DT, respectfully, I’m not sure anyone involved in the NFL should change their title to “Person Hitter.” It sends the wrong message about violence in sports.

GIANTS

—–

VIKINGS at SAINTS

D.T.: Hoo-boy. Both of these teams are sitting in the middle of a shit-storm. Adrian Peterson is deactivated for abusing his children, and half the Saints roster should be deactivated for the abuse they took from Cleveland last week. Cleveland.

This Gatorate jug may contain 2% Manziel urine.

This Gatorate jug may contain 2% Manziel urine.

The Saints really need to examine what’s happening on both sides of the ball. Drew “Knocked Over by a Stiff” Brees was able to bring the offense back from the dead, but their defense still allowed the Browns to best them. In any other season (besides 2011) this would have been a slam dunk, but Cleveland is showing some real fight, and after what they were able to accomplish in a narrow loss to Pittsburgh in week one, it’s not fair to call either of New Orleans’ losses a fluke. Will the Saints dust themselves off and claim their first win, or will Minnesota recover from their loss against New England? Will the revelation of Cordarelle Patterson and Matt Asiata trample all over New Orleans’ defense? I honestly have no idea what will happen with these two teams. But…

SAINTS

BMK: New Orleans is reeling right now, but I can’t believe that they’ll go down 0-3.  They just can’t…can they???

No, not against Minnesota.  In fact, this game should be a total ass whoopin.  The kind you get sent to prison for. Only the Saints won’t get sent to prison, they’ll get sent back to New Orleans, which is worse than prison.  Since it’s hot and filled with drunk people. And poisonous snakes. Don’t forget those.

SAINTS

—–

TITANS at BENGALS

D.T.: The toe injury suffered by Bengals Wide Receiver AJ Green, in their victory over the Falcons last week, leaves the Cincinnati offense in question. It’s been announced the injury isn’t long-term, but the time-table for Green’s return isn’t clear. If he comes back well enough to play, the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee. If he’s unable to perform… the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee.

BENGALS

BMK: Prisco over at CBS Sports has Cincy as the number one team in the NFL right now. I think that might be stretching it a bit (and who are you going to believe?  An “analyst” who spends thousands of hours examining game tape and statistics, or some dude with a wordpress blog who makes his picks after drinking?), but Cincy should win easily here. The Ginger of Doom will pass all over Tennessee’s secondary and Cincinnati’s defense should handle the Titan’s adorable attempts at offense. Really guys – it’s cute.  The way you throw and run the ball…

BENGALS
—–

RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: There’s seriously no empirical data or evidence to suggest one team will beat the other. Let’s just look at some cheerleaders. Wait… the Browns don’t have cheerleaders? Ohio is home to two NFL teams, the Football Hall of Fame, a history of having very little reason to watch the field, and one of their teams doesn’t have cheerleaders? It’s like the NFL is actively trying to make this part of the column difficult for me to write. I’m rage-quitting this prediction, and picking the Browns.

BROWNS

BMK: The Browns are 1-1 under Brian “THE DESTROYAH” Hoyer. I’m rooting for this kid to succeed.  Because the longer he does well, the less Manziel we’ll have in our lives.  And that’s a good thing.

Relax DT, here's a picture of Kat Dennings...

Relax DT, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings…

BROWNS

—–

PACKERS at LIONS

D.T.: NFC North divisional games are always fun, because each team has a great quarterback and receivers, and none of them have any sort of passing defense. They always turn into exciting, decent-scoring shootouts, and this time around should be no different. However, Detroit has to figure out a way to make Megatron and Tate relevant if they want to keep up with the ridiculous chemistry Green Bay’s enjoying between Quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Wide Receiver Jordy Nelson. If Stafford can snap out of his funk and take full advantage of the dangerous long game he has at his disposal, this could turn into an exciting match-up.

PACKERS

BMK: This is a tough one to call.  I think I’m giving it to Detroit because a) they’re at home, b) and I trust their defense a little more.  Plus they’re the Lions, and Lions used to fight Packers in ancient Rome, who’d always lose.  Even back then the Packers had a crappy defense.

LIONS

—–

COLTS at JAGUARS

D.T.: If the Colts can wake up Andrew Luck (seriously, the guy was already sporting a thousand-yard stare during the National Anthem) keep their dumb-ass offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton (more like Lethargic Hamilton, right?) in check, they should enjoy the first of two bye weeks this season.

"Hello Darkness, my old friend..."

“Hello Darkness, my old friend…”

However, the gross incompetence of last week’s play-calling against the Eagles probably has this team riding on a low level of confidence. The Jags may score themselves some points and put up a decent fight, but if Luck can call his own shots and find a way to upgrade his connection with TY Hilton and Reggie Wayne from dial-up back to cable, they should clean house.

Keeping this fucking guy off the field wouldn't hurt, either.

Keeping this fucking guy off the field wouldn’t hurt, either.

COLTS

BMK: Really?

COLTS
—–

RAIDERS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Holy shit, the Raiders are playing the Patriots? So much for watching football. I’ll be spending the day keeping my friend James, who’s an Oakland native, from killing himself and everyone in a mile radius.

PATRIOTS

BMK: Good luck with your buddy James, DT.  But I don’t think you have to worry about much. I live in the East Bay and no one out here thinks the Raiders are any good.  Except that dude that dresses like Darth Vadar and goes to the games. But he’s homeless and smells like piss.  In other words, just like every other Raiders fan out there.

Anyway, there is absolutely no way – literally, no way – that Oakland can win this. Which means Oakland will win it in a rout.

NEW ENGLAND

—–

49ERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The NFC West’s first divisional match-up. The 49ers come into this match-up in Arizona with their pass rushing hindered by Outside Linebacker Aldon Smith’s suspension, and their offense troubled by Tight End Vernon Davis’ questionable eligibility due to an injury. The Cardinals are a great home team, but Quarterback Carson Palmer and star Running Back Andre Ellington are likely to be game-time decisions again. The Cardinals’ strength lies in their defense, and ability to create turnovers — if they can create the same type of atmosphere as we saw in the Chicago/San Francisco game and avoid drawing penalties, we could see the Cards walk out with the first NFC West divisional win, and a 3-0 record. I’ll bank on that.

CARDINALS

BMK: Okay, I watched the 49ers game last week and I have to say, as a resident of the Bay Area, I loved the second half. It was everything I wanted in a football game. Harbaugh’s tears make for a delicious vintage no wine from Napa can match.
That said, I cannot pick Arizona here.  First of all, the 49ers always play Arizona tough.  Back in the day, when SF went 2-12, their lone two victories were against the Cardinals.  Second, the Cardinals do not have much of a pass rush, and SF has one of the best offensive lines going right now, even with its issues on the right side. Third, most importantly, I’ve been picking against them all along here and they’ve been winning. So why change that?

SAN FRANCISCO
—–

BRONCOS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Without a doubt, the game of the week and the one that will receive the most attention. The Broncos spent the entire offseason using the anger of their Super Bowl loss to fuel their training and resolve. Sunday night it will all come to a head, they’ll be out for blood. Peyton Manning will demand nothing less than perfection, but will he get it against the Seattle squad who, despite a loss against the Chargers last week, still looks razor sharp and deadly?

I kind of hope so, because no one wants to see this shit again.

I kind of hope so, because no one wants to see this shit again.

Officiating is likely to play a huge factor in this match-up, as both teams will be playing with tons of physicality. Expect lots of yellow flags, including personal fouls and unsportsmanlike conduct, and possibly an injury or two. In the end, I see a bitter and determined Broncos squad handing the Seahawks their second home loss in Russell Wilson’s tenure.

BRONCOS
BMK: Seattle got embarrassed last week by the Chargers, so normally I’d pick Seattle to win in a rout since they have something to prove. Problem is, Peyton Manning was way more embarrassed in the Superbowl by Seattle.  So who do you pick in a battle between an immovable object vs. irresistible force? I’m picking Mr. Irresistible himself, Peyton Manning, to hand Seattle their first consecutive loss this season.

Oh, by the way, I know that the whole, irresistible force vs an immovable object thing is supposed to illustrate a stalemate between two evenly matched and powerful entities, and, technically, there can be no winner between the two, so don’t bother pointing it out.  But if this does end up in a tie, I’ll owe you a coke.

BRONCOS
—–

CHIEFS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Miami’s starting Running Back, Knowshon Moreno, is likely not to suit up against the Chiefs after dislocating his elbow on his first run in week two. His energy and drive was instrumental in their week one win against the Patriots, and his absence in week two played an obvious role in their week two loss against the Bills. The Chiefs have been near-decimated with injuries in just the first two weeks, with last week’s match-up adding Jamaal Charles and Safety Eric Berry to the list. Coupled with Alex Smith’s inability to complete half of his intended passes leaves the Kansas City offense in serious jeopardy. I don’t think they’ll pull off a road upset.

DOLPHINS

BMK: I have no idea who to pick here. So I got two cat treats and put them on two separate plates, each plate marked with a Chiefs or a Dolphins logo, and let my cat, Sam, go. Whichever team got their treat eaten, I’d pick.

You know what happened?  That #U%)#_*$_ cat ate both treats.  I need a new cat.

This guy sucks at making football picks almost as much as I do.

This guy sucks at making football picks almost as much as I do.

DOLPHINS

—–

STEELERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The return of Cam Newton brought with it an impressive win against the Lions, whose offense simply could not get it together. Carolina showed their ability to utilize their own green receiving corps, and rookie Kelvin Benjamin continues to prove himself a stud and a brilliant remedy for what many believed would be Carolina’s weakness this season. They’ll be without half of their Defensive Duo, however, as Greg Hardy has been deactivated while investigations over a domestic abuse case are being carried out.

"Guys, can you stop hitting women and kids? People are realizing I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."

“Guys, can you stop hitting women and kids? People are realizing I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.”

It’s a real blow to Carolina’s defense, and leaves the Steelers poised to exploit. Ben Rothlisberger is always a threat, and Running Back team Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount have been blazing it up.

Seen here, demonstrating the proper way to line up for a running play.

Seen here, demonstrating the proper way to line up for a running play.

Even so, if Cam Newton’s offense can control the pacing of the game, they’re likely to punch holes in Pittsburgh’s struggling defense and send them home with a 1-2 record.

PANTHERS

BMK: Last week I picked the Steelers.  I was sure – SURE! – that they would beat the Ravens, whom I was sure – SURE! – would be distracted and forlorn over the Ray Rice flap.  These kinds of set-backs are why I have self-confidence issues. Anyway, the Steelers are reeling now, and they’ve almost tied me for defensive take-aways the last couple of weeks, so I’m dropping them this week.  As will the Panthers.

PANTHERS
—–

BEARS at JETS

D.T.: A deceptively-interesting match-up to finish out the week. The Jets currently the sport the best running defense in the league, while Matt Forte has been held at 3.5 yards per carry on average. The Jets have the advantage here with Chris Ivory and Chris Johnson splitting touches to highly effective results. On the other hand, Jay Cutler is throwing incredibly well, and four of his receivers are already above 100 yards passing, each. They proved how much of a force their offense can be against San Francisco. If they can get Forte involved, and avoid any defensive confusion from offensive trick plays, they could really give Geno and the Jets a run for their money.

BEARS

BMK: Last week, the coaches lost it for the Jets.  Rex Ryan needs to put his foot down and stomp out his staff’s incompetence before their season is lost. His coaches need to toe the line.  By the way, did you see Rex Ryan’s post-game conference where he states he has no idea who called the time out that nullified a TD? It was a real foot-in-mouth moment.

Yes, this is being written by a 12 year-old, why?

BEARS

We clearly have no idea what we're doing...

We clearly have no idea what we’re doing…

 

This post was written to Spotify’s Beats To Think To Playlist.  Yeah, so what if I like techno…

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Written by B. Michael Krol

September 18, 2014 at 2:01 pm

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