Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Harry Potter Edition
Okay, I, like most of the civilized world, checked out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One this last weekend. In fact, I saw it twice. On the whole it worked better for me the second time than it did the first, and for that I am grateful, since I seem to be the only person in the free world that doesn’t think it’s all that. And I hate being the odd man out on cultural touchstones.
Anyway, to lead up to the premier, I watched the previous six films in order. Not all in one day of course (though I did attend The Harry Potter Adventure at my local AMC, where I saw 5 and 6 before the midnight premier of 7). As I was watching the flicks, it occurred to me that there was a very simple way to avoid the entire rigmarole that Harry was going through. We’ll call it the Cameron solution.
So what’s the solution? Easy: go back in time and fuck Voldemort up.
This guy would've killed Tom Riddle as soon as he saw him...
You see, time travel is firmly established for the Harry Potter universe in book three. In that book, Hermione has a locket that lets her go back in time. The teachers allow a thirteen year old girl this potentially planet wrecking power because she wants to take a bunch of extra classes. And it occurred to me during the Godric’s Hollow sequence in film 7, that if everyone in the wizard world wanted to get rid of this no nose bastard, it would be very easy. As an example, all Dumbledore has to do is go back in time and line Harry Potter’s house with C4. When Voldemort walks in to kill Lilly and James, blow the house, and Voldemort, the fuck up. Hell, if Dumbledore was feeling nice, he could even warn Lilly and James Potter before he does this. Or not. Dumbledore can be something of a prick. Just ask Aberforth.
Or, if that’s too subtle for you, go back in time and ice the little bastard when he’s just molesting kids at the orphanage. It would be very easy. I imagine it would go something like this:
Dumbledore: Tom Riddle?
Tom Riddle/Voldemore: Yes.
Dumbledore: Avada Kadevera!
Tom Riddle/Voldemort: Arrrghh!
Dumbledore: (looks at watch) Sweet, it aint even tea time yet. Time for a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. I’m audi!
And don’t give me any of this garbage that Dumbledore didn’t know that Tom Riddle would be such a problem. His future self could warn his past self. Like so:
Old Dumbledore (O.D.): (appears in young Dumbledore’s office): Hey!
Young Dumbledore (Y.D.): Dude, you look just like me. But older.
O.D.: That’s cause I am you, genius. And speaking of which, you know that kid you just let into Hogwarts? You know, the one from the orphanage who used to steal and molest the kids?
Y.D.: You mean the creepy looking one?
O.D.: That’s him. Turns out that decision won’t make our highlight reel.
Y.D.: It was a bad move then?
O.D.: You could say that. So, here, take your wand and go waste the little prick before he becomes a full blown a-hole. Capisce?
Y.D.: Got it. After that I’ll go get a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.
O.D.: Yeah, about that…turns out we’re gay.
Y.D.: Really? Guess I should start dressing better, huh..
See? It’s simple and spares everyone in the Potterverse a bunch of nonsense. Just kill the jerk before he gets into any trouble and then go have a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. Easy as pie.
Type-Os…I has them…
So a reader emailed me the other day telling me about an error in my Freedom of Speech post. That’s more than a little embarrassing. Anyway, I’m apologizing in advance for any type-os you find. I am a terrible proofreader, but I am trying to get better and get better I shall!
This was one of the first images in my Google Image search for Type-O. Pretty aint he? Just like a girl...
This micro-post reminds me a lot of Domino’s Pizza’s recent “We’re shitty, we know we’re shitty, but hey! We’re trying!” ad campaign. Which is just too bad since I hate Domino’s Pizza.
Freedom of Speech, Just Watch What You Say
This morning I was reading a site called ProBasketBallTalk.Com (guess what it discusses), and I came across an article about some douchebag that wore a Lebron James Heat jersey to a Cleveland Indians game a few weeks ago. Clevelanders are still sore about James leaving and the way he left, so, when this idiot shows up to the game wearing James’s new Heat jersey, things got tense. Like so tense he had to be escorted out of the ballpark in the Sixth inning. That was probably a smart thing to do. This is the town that showered their football team in plastic beer bottles when a call didn’t go their way. Tough crowd.
Anyway, the Miami Heat got wind of this idiot and thought it was funny. So, the Heat offered the clown an all-expenses paid trip and VIP treatment at an upcoming Heat game. Of course, when word of this trip got out, via the moron’s Facebook page, the Heat decided the offer was “premature” and is not bringing the kid down for a game after all.
What dopes.
But that’s not what caused me to put pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to keyboard). Nope. That story, while idiotic, is everything I expect from the Miami heat organization: it was classless, poorly thought out, and tacky. No, dear Reader, what got my juices flowing was this lovely comment from some dude named GlobalCons. Here it is, addressed to the author of the piece, in its entirety.
Hey Kurt, maybe you need to be reminded that when you live in this country there is a little thing called free speech, first amendment. You remember that right? Oh forgot your a a______, journalist, who couldn’t make it at a real job. Next time you want to grandstand, try sticking up for the fan who has a right to cheer for whatever team, wherever he wants. Unless you can show where he broke the law, your story is garbage. Ever been to basketball game? Lots of people cheer for the visiting team too….its called A FAN. Hats off to the Heat, who understand it, even if you dont.
GlobalCons trucks in one of the most common misconception of the First Amendment: that it applies anywhere.
I see this kind of confusion all the time, and it’s not just relegated to the Interwebs. Nope, you hear it whenever someone is told to shut up or when someone is told he’s being a moron. “Hey! I got Freedom of Speech man! So screw you!” Sorry pal, but you don’t.
Here’s the rub about your Freedom of Speech: it only applies to the government. Yep, that’s it. Not to private conversations, not to private companies, not to private citizens. In fact, your Freedom of Speech has been watered down by the courts so much that, really, the only Freedom of Speech you have is the freedom to stand on the sidewalk and shout nonsense till your heart’s content. So long as that nonsense isn’t “fighting words,” that is.
This is Just Dumb...
As mentioned above, you also see this misunderstanding trotted out whenever someone is told he’s being an idiot. Apparently, people believe that the First Amendment guarantees them the right to have their expressions respected. Sorry Sunshine — that’s not the case. The First Amendment only prevents the government from shutting down your speech in certain areas. It does not mean anyone has to respect your harebrained ideas or politely tolerant your rancid dribble. No one idea’s or thoughts are entitled to respect in this country, and there are many ideas that do not belong in adult discourse at all (Birthers, I’m looking at you). Now, we can talk about whether this is a good thing (I’m inclined to think we, as a society, could stand being a little nicer to each other), but, legally, no one has to respect what you say.
If someone shows up at an Indians game wearing a Lebron James jersey, yeah, it’s within his right to do so, but it’s also within everyone else’s rights to tell him, loudly, that he’s being a complete moron. If you do the same kind of garbage at a private facility, they can tell you to leave and the First Amendment can do nothing for you, man. This also applies to the Internet. No one has to give you a forum to spout your opinion on the Internet. So, if your message board account at BarelyLegal.Com is shut down, or you’re banned from Chud.Com, you do not have a First Amendment claim. The world will have to do without your opinions of whether or not the new Thundercats cartoon is grim’n’gritty enough.
To sum up, unless the government is coming down on you, the First Amendment probably doesn’t apply to your life whatsoever. No private entity has to give you a forum for you to voice your opinions, and if the entity is kind enough to do so, it does not have to respect your ideas. Which goes double for private citizens. You have no Freedom of Speech with me, nor I with you. If you’re saying dumb crap, I will tell you you’re saying dumb crap. I’d expect the same from you, but my opinions are always well-thought out and perfectly reasonable to the point of being dull.
No, really. It’s true. Just ask me.
Where I’ve Been…
So it’s been a while, my lovelies. The last time I posted on this blog was way back in August, and it was a sports comment. A comment that has been disproven by cold, hard reality. That massive bitch reality — why must she always kill my dreams?
Before my full-throated defense of Early Doucet, I had another comment that was promising not to neglect the blog any longer. Well, now you know what to make of my promises.
Anyway, there are good reasons that I neglected the blog. First, around the time that I went off the radar, I was putting all my efforts and focus into finishing the first draft of a novel I was working on. I finished that on the 25th of September — five days before my self-imposed deadline of October 1st. During that process, I was writing a lot of words a day (at least for me; I’m sure a guy Mr. KIng matches my daily productivity record sometime before lunch), so I was in no mood to write for the blog. Lame excuse? Sure. But it’s the only one I have so I’m sticking with it. Anyway, most of the time the truth happens to be lame, as is the case here.
Second, after I finished that beast of a book, I was going on “vacation” to Arizona and California. That lasted from the 2nd of October till the 23rd. That’s a long time to be away and while I was traveling I didn’t have the time or inclination to write for the blog. I had visions of doing a travelogue to catalog my adventures, unfortunately I didn’t have a whole lot of time to do that. Which is a shame because now my vacation is just a series of memories and bad iPhone photos. Neither of which is very permanent. But then, blog posts aren’t exactly permanent either.
My vacation was a lot of fun though. At least, it was once I got out of Arizona. That state that just puts me on edge now. There’s a hostility in the air there that I don’t remember existing when I lived there. Or maybe I was just used to it. Either way, I’d rather not go back anytime soon. Which is a shame since I have family and friends there.
You have no idea how happy I was to see this...
The California portion of my vacation was much, much better. I haven’t been to Southern California since 2005 and Northern since 2002. I saw old friends, met a whole bunch of new ones, drank many, many beers at Toronado on Haight, ran up a huge bar bill at this Mexican restaurant in a sleazier part of the mission district, ate good food, drank good wine, and otherwise had a fantastic time. Hopefully I’ll be back there again soon.
That’s all for now. I am back in the saddle and I’ve missed writing for this space and some of the comments I’ve gotten. Writing is not the best way to get immediate feedback (unlike say, acting or stand-up comedy) but there is some level of interaction with this thing here, and I want to get back into it. So, stay tuned…I’ll be around.
It’s Never too Early to go to Doucet
This morning while driving around, I heard Mike and Mike on ESPN radio dissecting the AZ Cardinals upcoming season. It was a mostly fair assessment, with both guys agreeing on a 8-8 record for the 2010-2011 season. I think that’s a reasonable conclusion, considering the amount of questions the Cardinals have going into this season. In fact, I could see as bad as 4-12. But I digress…
One thing that did stick in my craw was Golic’s assessment of WR Early Doucet. Doucet is expected fill in for Anquan Boldin as a tough receiver that goes across the middle. Golic doesn’t buy that — at least not yet. He said that Doucet’s 31 receptions his first two years in the league were not a good sign, considering that Boldin had 157 catches his first two years in the league. However, that is not a fair comparison.
Doucet, after his amazing reception for a touch down in the nutty playoff game against the Packers
When Boldin was drafted by Arizona in 2003, Arizona had the following WRs on its roster:
- Larry Foster
- Bryan Gilmore
- Bryant Johnson
- Kevin Kasper
- Jason McAddley
- Nate Poole
Recognize any of those names? Me neither. And I’ve been following the Cardinals since 1993.
In Boldin’s first game against Detroit, he had 187 yards receiving. That shocked the Cardinals and their fan base. It became pretty clear over the next few weeks that this guy was something special. So he became the focus of the passing attack, which is why he had 157 receptions in his first two years.
Now, when Doucet came aboard in 2008, Arizona had the following WRs on its roster:
- Larry Fitzgerald
- Anquan Boldin
- Steve Breaston
- Jerheme Urban
- Ed Gant
- Michael Ray Garvin
- Onrea Jones
- Lance Long
- Sean Morey
- Steve Sanders
You see the difference? Arizona had two of the best WRs in the league (and Fitzgerald might be one of the best ever), and Steve Breaston was no slouch either. This was the year that Arizona had three 1000+ yard WRs on its roster. In that kind of situation, a rookie WR won’t be anywhere near the ball (if memory serves, Doucet was 5th on the depth chart, just after Jerheme Urban). The year after, Doucet moved up, but Arizona still had Fitz, Boldin and Breaston catching the ball. It would be hard for anyone new to compete with those three.
It’s not a fair to Doucet to draw a conclusion about his abilities by comparing Boldin’s first two years to Doucet’s. The situation on the team was wildly different when Boldin came aboard to when Doucet did. Golic may still be right in his ultimate analysis (that Doucet will not be a suitable replacement for Boldin), but how he got there, I think, is wrong.
Wha–? I have a Blog???
Hello there…
Okay, yeah, I know. I’ve been neglecting this space for a couple of weeks now. Truth is, I’ve been busy. Busy doing my real gig and playing Star Craft 2. Lame, I know, but hey, Star Craft 1 was one of my all-time favorite games.
This week I’ll have some new and bizarre content. I swear.
Anno Domino’s Pizza
So I see from the commercials, Domino’s Pizza, the Pizza of last resort, wants to change the way people see their pizza in commercials. Domino’s wants its customers to send in photos of their pizzas so Domino’s can use the photos in future commercials.
Is it just me, or is this idea really, really, stupid? I’m glad this is what Domino’s decided to change about their pizza. I guess they figure everything else is just ducky with their pie, so it’s time to move on to the way it’s photographed. How lame.
And while we’re on the subject, does it creep out anyone else that this company apparently keeps tabs on people that have the audacity to say mean stuff about Domino’s pizza in focus groups? Who the hell are these cats anyway, Big Brother? And then, to top it all off, now that Domino’s has changed its pizza to make taste slightly less crappy, they harass these poor souls to try their dreck again. Oi vey!
Domino’s take my advice: leave people alone and worry less about the way your pie is photographed and more about how it tastes.
Those brownie bite things are still pretty bad-ass though…
Hits and Myths
Inspired by this story, I started thinking about myths and the myths we’re told as children about the founding of our country. As Americans, we love myths. I think it has a lot to do with a cultural affection for bigger than life personalities. Being an American that accomplishes great things just isn’t enough. You have to do it in the most obnoxious manner possible, like that whole John Wayne, High School Football coach thing you see in war movies. “Hold em by the nose while we kick em in the ass!” and all that other stultifying crap.
How creepy is this image...
One of the more idiotic myths is the one about George Washington and the Cherry Tree. Every kid in America has heard this one, but I’ll recap it anyway. When George Washington was a boy, apparently in a fit of anti-arboreal rage, he cuts down a cherry tree. When the little miscreant is confronted about it by his father, he replies, “I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the cherry tree.” His overjoyed father tells George his honesty makes up for the act of man-on-tree violence. George’s father then, presumably, inducts his son into the Freemasons, who end up calling all the shots in the new country.
Schoolchildren are supposed to be inspired by Georgie’s honesty. They also learn a life’s lesson, which is to be honest at all times. A lesson that I’m sure is reinforced whenever a child is punished for being honest about a naughty act, but I digress…
Here’s what struck me the other day: Yes, in the myth, George is an honest guy, but honesty is only one part of the equation. What about remorse? Doesn’t he feel bad about cutting down the tree? A tree that did nothing to him?
Sure, I’m glad he didn’t lie, but, in some cases, lying implies remorse. I know I’ve lied in the past because I felt bad about something I’ve done (or because I’m talking to a woman in a bar). Here, George says, “Yeah, I cut down the tree. Whatcho gonna do about it?” George cut it down, essentially bragged about it, and then went on his merry way. You know who else commits acts of violence and destruction and feels no remorse about it? Sociopaths, that’s who. Maybe George Sr. should be a little more concerned about Georgie’s problem with empathy and less about his honesty.
Harry Potter and the Flogging of a Dead Horse
Before we get into the meat of this post, let me start by assuring everyone that I really do like the Harry Potter books. Like most people who start reading Rowling’s books and are over the age of 15, I found them to be surprisingly well-written and well thought out. In fact, I thought Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban has one of the tightest plots I’ve ever read. It could even be said the plot was Chandleresque!
If Harry knew what was waiting for him in adulthood, he probably would've stayed dead at the end of Deathly Hallows
However, I thought the ending of Deathly Hallows was disappointing. It literally ends with Harry saying, “Whew — I’m glad that’s over!” That’s not a great ending (a point I’ll be expanding on in a future Ruminations, etc., post. I know, you can’t wait…). Furthermore, Rowling was abandoning her character right when things start getting interesting. Childhood and adolescence, while magical, has nothing on the challenges awaiting Harry during his adulthood. Sure, they might not be as interesting or fun as being chased by Death Eaters over the skies of London, but after that, what is exciting? A topic that will be explored in the very first book in my Adult Harry Potter series.
Ruminations, Etc., is Proud to Present the Next Books in the Harry Potter Saga!
After graduating Hogwarts, things just aren’t as fun as they were in Harry’s youth. Life seems bland and boring; not at all what is was like when Harry and his friends faced certain death every school year. What will Harry do now? Will Harry triumph over his latest challenge in Harry Potter and the Perils of Peaking in Your Adolescence.
Moving on from Hogwarts to become an auror is no easy task for Harry. He relocates to London and needs to find a roommate, so he places an ad on Craigslist. A tall and lean young man named Troy answers the ad and comes to Harry’s rescue. Finally, Harry can pay the rent and the bills and Harry is at peace. But after a few months, Harry starts noticing that his roommate is a rather strange young man. Troy likes techno music, tight undershirts and the Logo television network. Is there something wrong with him? And why is Harry uncomfortably drawn to him? Harry Potter finds out in Harry Potter and the Roommate with the Ambiguous Sexuality.
Harry leaves Troy in London and marries his Hogwarts sweetheart, Ginny Weasley. After a few raucous years of exploring Harry and Ginny’s sexuality, they have two kids and life begins to settle down. A lot. Nothing is new anymore. The boredom and routine is killing their relationship. Ginny and Harry start quarrelling and things seem bleak until Ginny reads a story in Cosmo and comes up with an intriguing solution. Join Ginny and Harry as they try to reignite that youthful spark in Harry Potter and the Open Marriage.
Of course, that idea ends badly. Ginny and Harry find out that no magic can mend a broken heart. Now, journey with Harry as he faces a foe that makes Voldemort look like a drunken kitten in Harry Potter and the Divorce Lawyer of Malakadu.
Now, Harry and Ginny do love each other and they reconcile, but, the trouble doesn’t end there. Harry faces the ultimate test in Harry Potter and the Unfulfilling Career.
Having decided at the end of the last book a change is necessary, Harry must move to the next step of his life. Harry is making a comfortable salary, but it isn’t enough to raise two kids, keep his wife happy and save up enough to move out of the Burrow. What will he do? Find out in Harry Potter and the Grad School Dilemma. See Harry try to slay the Great Minotaur Alla Turnell, the Grim Reaper Endicott, and the diabolical wizard Larry Sellers Anthony Tremaine! But first, he must find solve the mystery of Hogwarts’s transcript policy!
Is the strain of going back to school with a family getting to Harry? Perhaps! We’ll see in Harry Potter and the Dysfunction that has Never, Ever, Happened Before…He Swears!
After graduating with an MBA, Harry goes to work in a rubber band manufacturing concern, and is learning all about quarterly reports, office politics, and omnipresent fear of getting laid-off and losing everything. Amidst all this upheaval, Harry is once again challenged by a new foe. Read all about it in Harry Potter and the Crushing Ennui of Adulthood.
In his lifetime, Harry has faced ultimate evil, the perils of love, and challenges of actually working for a living, but nothing has prepared him for his final and toughest enemies ever. Will he prevail? Find out in final book of the Harry Potter saga, titled Harry Potter and the No Good Children that Just Won’t Listen!
I Hope He was Thinking of Buffy While He Did it…
I just found this on thesuperficial.net. Apparently David Boreanaz is just a classy guy…
Don’t believe me? Check it out here…
Thesuperficial.net is one of my favorite websites, incidentally. Consistently funny writing, instead of the hit-and-miss, scatter shot approach we here.
Ruminations, etc.. 