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Posts Tagged ‘Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems

Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Harry Potter Edition

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Okay, I, like most of the civilized world, checked out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One this last weekend.  In fact, I saw it twice.   On the whole it worked better for me the second time than it did the first, and for that I am grateful, since I seem to be the only person in the free world that doesn’t think it’s all that.  And I hate being the odd man out on cultural touchstones.

Anyway, to lead up to the premier, I watched the previous six films in order.  Not all in one day of course (though I did attend The Harry Potter Adventure at my local AMC, where I saw 5 and 6 before the midnight premier of 7).  As I was watching the flicks, it occurred to me that there was a very simple way to avoid the entire rigmarole that Harry was going through.  We’ll call it the Cameron solution.

So what’s the solution?  Easy: go back in time and fuck Voldemort up.

This guy would've killed Tom Riddle as soon as he saw him...

You see, time travel is firmly established for the Harry Potter universe in book three.  In that book, Hermione has a locket that lets her go back in time.  The teachers allow a thirteen year old girl this potentially planet wrecking power because she wants to take a bunch of extra classes.  And it occurred to me during the Godric’s Hollow sequence in film 7, that if everyone in the wizard world wanted to get rid of this no nose bastard, it would be very easy.  As an example, all Dumbledore has to do is go back in time and line Harry Potter’s house with C4.  When Voldemort walks in to kill Lilly and James, blow the house, and Voldemort, the fuck up. Hell, if Dumbledore was feeling nice, he could even warn Lilly and James Potter before he does this.  Or not.  Dumbledore can be something of a prick.  Just ask Aberforth.

Or, if that’s too subtle for you, go back in time and ice the little bastard when he’s just molesting kids at the orphanage.  It would be very easy. I imagine it would go something like this:

Dumbledore: Tom Riddle?

Tom Riddle/Voldemore: Yes.

Dumbledore: Avada Kadevera!

Tom Riddle/Voldemort: Arrrghh!

Dumbledore: (looks at watch) Sweet, it aint even tea time yet. Time for a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. I’m audi!

And don’t give me any of this garbage that Dumbledore didn’t know that Tom Riddle would be such a problem.  His future self could warn his past self.  Like so:

Old Dumbledore (O.D.): (appears in young Dumbledore’s office): Hey!

Young Dumbledore (Y.D.): Dude, you look just like me.  But older.

O.D.: That’s cause I am you, genius.  And speaking of which, you know that kid you just let into Hogwarts? You know, the one from the orphanage who used to steal and molest the kids?

Y.D.: You mean the creepy looking one?

O.D.: That’s him.  Turns out that decision won’t make our highlight reel.

Y.D.: It was a bad move then?

O.D.: You could say that.  So, here, take your wand and go waste the little prick before he becomes a full blown a-hole.  Capisce?

Y.D.: Got it.  After that I’ll go get a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.

O.D.: Yeah, about that…turns out we’re gay.

Y.D.:  Really?  Guess I should start dressing better, huh..

See?  It’s simple and spares everyone in the Potterverse a bunch of nonsense.  Just kill the jerk before he gets into any trouble and then go have a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.   Easy as pie.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 22, 2010 at 12:47 pm