Posts Tagged ‘Harry Potter’
Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Harry Potter Edition
Okay, I, like most of the civilized world, checked out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One this last weekend. In fact, I saw it twice. On the whole it worked better for me the second time than it did the first, and for that I am grateful, since I seem to be the only person in the free world that doesn’t think it’s all that. And I hate being the odd man out on cultural touchstones.
Anyway, to lead up to the premier, I watched the previous six films in order. Not all in one day of course (though I did attend The Harry Potter Adventure at my local AMC, where I saw 5 and 6 before the midnight premier of 7). As I was watching the flicks, it occurred to me that there was a very simple way to avoid the entire rigmarole that Harry was going through. We’ll call it the Cameron solution.
So what’s the solution? Easy: go back in time and fuck Voldemort up.
This guy would've killed Tom Riddle as soon as he saw him...
You see, time travel is firmly established for the Harry Potter universe in book three. In that book, Hermione has a locket that lets her go back in time. The teachers allow a thirteen year old girl this potentially planet wrecking power because she wants to take a bunch of extra classes. And it occurred to me during the Godric’s Hollow sequence in film 7, that if everyone in the wizard world wanted to get rid of this no nose bastard, it would be very easy. As an example, all Dumbledore has to do is go back in time and line Harry Potter’s house with C4. When Voldemort walks in to kill Lilly and James, blow the house, and Voldemort, the fuck up. Hell, if Dumbledore was feeling nice, he could even warn Lilly and James Potter before he does this. Or not. Dumbledore can be something of a prick. Just ask Aberforth.
Or, if that’s too subtle for you, go back in time and ice the little bastard when he’s just molesting kids at the orphanage. It would be very easy. I imagine it would go something like this:
Dumbledore: Tom Riddle?
Tom Riddle/Voldemore: Yes.
Dumbledore: Avada Kadevera!
Tom Riddle/Voldemort: Arrrghh!
Dumbledore: (looks at watch) Sweet, it aint even tea time yet. Time for a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. I’m audi!
And don’t give me any of this garbage that Dumbledore didn’t know that Tom Riddle would be such a problem. His future self could warn his past self. Like so:
Old Dumbledore (O.D.): (appears in young Dumbledore’s office): Hey!
Young Dumbledore (Y.D.): Dude, you look just like me. But older.
O.D.: That’s cause I am you, genius. And speaking of which, you know that kid you just let into Hogwarts? You know, the one from the orphanage who used to steal and molest the kids?
Y.D.: You mean the creepy looking one?
O.D.: That’s him. Turns out that decision won’t make our highlight reel.
Y.D.: It was a bad move then?
O.D.: You could say that. So, here, take your wand and go waste the little prick before he becomes a full blown a-hole. Capisce?
Y.D.: Got it. After that I’ll go get a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.
O.D.: Yeah, about that…turns out we’re gay.
Y.D.: Really? Guess I should start dressing better, huh..
See? It’s simple and spares everyone in the Potterverse a bunch of nonsense. Just kill the jerk before he gets into any trouble and then go have a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. Easy as pie.
Harry Potter and the Flogging of a Dead Horse
Before we get into the meat of this post, let me start by assuring everyone that I really do like the Harry Potter books. Like most people who start reading Rowling’s books and are over the age of 15, I found them to be surprisingly well-written and well thought out. In fact, I thought Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban has one of the tightest plots I’ve ever read. It could even be said the plot was Chandleresque!
If Harry knew what was waiting for him in adulthood, he probably would've stayed dead at the end of Deathly Hallows
However, I thought the ending of Deathly Hallows was disappointing. It literally ends with Harry saying, “Whew — I’m glad that’s over!” That’s not a great ending (a point I’ll be expanding on in a future Ruminations, etc., post. I know, you can’t wait…). Furthermore, Rowling was abandoning her character right when things start getting interesting. Childhood and adolescence, while magical, has nothing on the challenges awaiting Harry during his adulthood. Sure, they might not be as interesting or fun as being chased by Death Eaters over the skies of London, but after that, what is exciting? A topic that will be explored in the very first book in my Adult Harry Potter series.
Ruminations, Etc., is Proud to Present the Next Books in the Harry Potter Saga!
After graduating Hogwarts, things just aren’t as fun as they were in Harry’s youth. Life seems bland and boring; not at all what is was like when Harry and his friends faced certain death every school year. What will Harry do now? Will Harry triumph over his latest challenge in Harry Potter and the Perils of Peaking in Your Adolescence.
Moving on from Hogwarts to become an auror is no easy task for Harry. He relocates to London and needs to find a roommate, so he places an ad on Craigslist. A tall and lean young man named Troy answers the ad and comes to Harry’s rescue. Finally, Harry can pay the rent and the bills and Harry is at peace. But after a few months, Harry starts noticing that his roommate is a rather strange young man. Troy likes techno music, tight undershirts and the Logo television network. Is there something wrong with him? And why is Harry uncomfortably drawn to him? Harry Potter finds out in Harry Potter and the Roommate with the Ambiguous Sexuality.
Harry leaves Troy in London and marries his Hogwarts sweetheart, Ginny Weasley. After a few raucous years of exploring Harry and Ginny’s sexuality, they have two kids and life begins to settle down. A lot. Nothing is new anymore. The boredom and routine is killing their relationship. Ginny and Harry start quarrelling and things seem bleak until Ginny reads a story in Cosmo and comes up with an intriguing solution. Join Ginny and Harry as they try to reignite that youthful spark in Harry Potter and the Open Marriage.
Of course, that idea ends badly. Ginny and Harry find out that no magic can mend a broken heart. Now, journey with Harry as he faces a foe that makes Voldemort look like a drunken kitten in Harry Potter and the Divorce Lawyer of Malakadu.
Now, Harry and Ginny do love each other and they reconcile, but, the trouble doesn’t end there. Harry faces the ultimate test in Harry Potter and the Unfulfilling Career.
Having decided at the end of the last book a change is necessary, Harry must move to the next step of his life. Harry is making a comfortable salary, but it isn’t enough to raise two kids, keep his wife happy and save up enough to move out of the Burrow. What will he do? Find out in Harry Potter and the Grad School Dilemma. See Harry try to slay the Great Minotaur Alla Turnell, the Grim Reaper Endicott, and the diabolical wizard Larry Sellers Anthony Tremaine! But first, he must find solve the mystery of Hogwarts’s transcript policy!
Is the strain of going back to school with a family getting to Harry? Perhaps! We’ll see in Harry Potter and the Dysfunction that has Never, Ever, Happened Before…He Swears!
After graduating with an MBA, Harry goes to work in a rubber band manufacturing concern, and is learning all about quarterly reports, office politics, and omnipresent fear of getting laid-off and losing everything. Amidst all this upheaval, Harry is once again challenged by a new foe. Read all about it in Harry Potter and the Crushing Ennui of Adulthood.
In his lifetime, Harry has faced ultimate evil, the perils of love, and challenges of actually working for a living, but nothing has prepared him for his final and toughest enemies ever. Will he prevail? Find out in final book of the Harry Potter saga, titled Harry Potter and the No Good Children that Just Won’t Listen!
Ruminations, etc.. 