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Musings, rantings, and pie.

THUD Picks Week 13

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Week Eleven...Go to Hell, go to Heaven!

Week Thirteen…It’s a total SCREAM!

D.T.: Well, it happened. The Raiders finally won a game. They also very nearly managed to lose it with 30 seconds on the clock by acting like fools and celebrating while Alex Smith hurried the Chiefs offense to the line. How cruel and hysterical it would have been if the Raiders had secured a four point lead, then drawn a penalty or allowed Smith’s offense to bomb a pass through their distracted defense. We’d be talking about it for the rest of the year, rather than having already forgotten that they won.

 

But this 14 year old fan who made it past security will never forget.

But this 14 year old fan who made it past security will never forget.

We have a lot to be thankful for on this, the week in which we thankfully give thanks. We have three – count ’em, three – excellent, meaningful divisional match-ups on Thanksgiving, and a handful of games on Sunday that just might turn out to be great, as well. Let’s get to it, folks!

BMK: The Raiders won a game. LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD! HA!

Anyway, the Holidays got away from me this week kids, so I asked some friends to help out. Hope you enjoy it.

—–

BEARS at LIONS

D.T.: Kicking off Turkey Day (and saying “go fuck yourself, Macy’s Parade” for those of you on the West coast) we have an early NFC grudge match in Detroit. While we feast on Thursday, the Lions feasted last week on humble pie with a side of shame, having been smacked down by the Patriots 34-9. Highlights included LeGarette Blount’s two-touchdown re-arrival to the New England squad, and Gronkowski burying the hatchet with Sergio Brown (credited with busting Gronk’s arm, if you’ll recall) and bonding over showing him how an NBC camera works.

 

"Hey-bro-come-take-a-look-at-this-it'll-be-awesome-I-promise!"

“Hey-bro-come-take-a-look-at-this-it’ll-be-awesome-I-promise!”

It was a devastating loss, while the Bears recovered some semblance of self-respect by not allowing the Buccaneers a victory. It’s hard to say exactly how this one will play out. Detroit’s offense is sinking fast, and their defense couldn’t hold it together against an on-fire New England squad. A Bears win means they’re just one game out from the Lions’ second-place spot in the division, and it keeps them alive for another week. If the Lions want to stay safe, they have GOT to find a way to get their offense going again. If they can sort their shit out and get their excellent receiver corps involved, they’ll take it.

LIONS

BMK: Marshawn, who do you like in this match up?  Bears or Lions?

ML: Yeah.

BEARS

—–

EAGLES at COWBOYS

D.T.: An incredibly meaningful NFC East match-up. Both teams currently sit at 8-3 (tied with Green Bay for first place), and from this game on, we’ll see how the playoff picture comes together for this division. If Green Bay loses against the Patriots, the winner of this game in Dallas could find themselves in 1st place and complicate things for the Pack, who are currently projected as the number two seed. How will the Eagles cause an upset and pull this out?

By calling this guy every five minutes to see if his collarbone is still broken.

By calling this guy every five minutes to see if his collarbone is still broken.

 

 

Really, though… I’m not a believer in Sanchez. I don’t think he’s got what it takes to march into Dallas in a super-high pressure game and go up against the Cowboys defense. I think it’s here that the bubble will burst, and Romo’s unit will control the game. Sorry, Mark.

COWBOYS

BMK: So how about this one, Marshawn?

ML: Yeah.

COWBOYS

—–

SEAHAWKS at 49ERS

D.T.: I don’t know if I agree with the general media saying that the Seahawks’ victory over Arizona last week was a “triumphant” return to last year’s glory. Frankly, both teams looked like shit, but Seattle managed to pull it together in the second half. The Niners, on the other hand, barely managed a win against the woefully-broken Redskins. What I see happening here is desperation mode for both teams. They’re both sitting at 7-4, two games behind the Cardinals, and the loser here probably won’t catch up with the difficult final stretch ahead of them. I think the Seahawks’ win at home last week brought back some of their swagger, and looking at Richard Sherman’s hilarious press conference last week in defense of Marshawn Lynch, I’d say their locker room has been in higher spirits this week than it’s been all season. A stark contrast to the continued doom and gloom coming from the bay. In a battle of morale and heart, I give it to Seattle.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: Okay Marshawn, I know you might be tempted to go with the Niners here, but what are your thoughts on the game?

ML: I don’t know.

BMK: Really?

ML: Yeah.

SEAHAWKS

—–

REDSKINS at COLTS

D.T.: …and here we go, past the glorious Thursday schedule, into the less exciting parts of the Sunday that awaits. The situation in DC continues to worsen, as the ‘Skins are still playing a game of revolving quarterbacks. Colt McCoy is believed to start this week against the Colts, hosting at home in Indy. I wonder how many people are digging for a Dan Snyder scandal so they can mount a Donald Sterling-esque coup and wrest the team from him. Frankly, I don’t think anyone would object. It’s going to be the Colts, in a massive rebound after their bizarre kind-of-win against Jacksonville last week.

COLTS
BMK: For this one I reached out to Drew McWeeney and Harry Knowles. Fellas?

DW: My sources tell me the Colts are going to take this one.

HK:  Nope, sorry. My sources at the NFL tell me the Redskins.

DW: Thanks for telling me I’m wrong.

HK: I never said that you were wrong! Just that your sources are wrong. My 100% confirmed non-denialable sources are right.

DW: Whatever. Thanks for taking a drive-by shit on me.

HK: Listen to me, I MADE you, bitch.

DW: The only thing you made was a crappy YouTube series. And only one season at that.

HK: Yeah, so when’s Post-Human coming out? I keep looking for it at the Alamo Drafthouse, but it’s never there…

BMK: Okay, fellas, relax. Who’s going to win the game?

(Both shrug)

HK: Who knows.

DW: Yeah, sports are icky.

COLTS
—–

TITANS at TEXANS

D.T.: Fun fact about Houston: their defense has scored a touchdown in every home game they’ve played this season. Which is good, because with Ryan Mallett out with injury, Ryan Fitzpatrick back under center…

 

Seen here demonstrating proper chin strap protocol.

Seen here demonstrating proper chin strap protocol.

…and Arian Foster’s status still uncertain, they may not score points otherwise. However… the Texans are still alive in the hunt. Their best (and probably only) chance to get into the post season is to keep winning and try to steal the division from the Colts. It’s probably not going to happen, but they’re playing for a hell of a lot more than the already-eliminated Titans. That, coupled with the fact that it’s a home game, leaves me expecting a Houston win.

TEXANS
BMK: So I emailed Nick Nunziata to make this pick.  He never emailed back.

TEXANS
—–

BROWNS at BILLS

D.T.: One of the absolute travesties of this season was the denial of a ridiculous snow bowl game in Buffalo. Instead, what we got as a consolation prize was an unceremonious pummeling of the Jets and their official (but wholly expected) ejection from anything resembling a post-season. The Bills return to Ralph Wilson stadium and host the 7-4 Browns, who are looking for some way to break the incredible 4-way tie in the AFC North. Browns Quarterback, Brian Hoyer, didn’t fare terribly well last week — he threw for over 300 yards, but failed to connect in the end zone, and tossed three interceptions. Going up against a defense known for creating turnovers in the air, I spell more trouble for Hoyer the Destroyer. I see the Bills continuing on their heroic streak for now… but by a narrow margin.

BILLS
BMK: I then emailed Jeremy Butler about this pick. He said sure, but then never emailed me back.

BROWNS
—–

CHARGERS at RAVENS

D.T.: I’m going to be blunt: the Chargers are doomed. Regardless of the outcome of this game, the last leg of their season is brutal, and they’re going to drown. Sorry, Philip Rivers.

Philip Rivers trying to kill me with his mind. Hasn't worked before; won't work this time.

Philip Rivers trying to kill me with his mind. Hasn’t worked before; won’t work this time. 

 

In that aforementioned 7-game tie in the AFC North, the Ravens have a hell of a lot more to play for. What I see as being a very winnable game for them opens up a very safe finish to their season. The gateway to that is a win against a team that almost lost to the Raiders, and barely beat the Rams. It’s the Ravens at home.

RAVENS
BMK: I had no idea who to pick for this game, so I asked my buddy Film Critic Hulk.  Hulk?

FCH: THANK YOU BRYAN. FOR THIS GAME, HULK HAS TO GO BACK TO THE VERY BEGINNING. FOOTBALL, AS A SPORT, WAS FIRST CONCIEVED OF WHEN PRE-VERBAL MALAYSIAN GOAT HERDERS SAW A VISAGE OF THE IRON SHIEK DANCING AMONGST THE SPARE DROPLETS OF MORNING DEW GLISTENING OFF OF THEIR LOVER’S BUTTOCKS. THIS WAS IN 1993. AFTER THAT VISION, A LEARNED COUNCIL CONSISTING OF OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, BO DIDDLEY, AND A COMPUTER PROGRAMMED TO IMITATE THE GREAT CONQUISTADOR CORONADO, MET FOR LUNCH A THE FAMOUS RUSSIAN TEA ROOM IN DOWNTOWN COUNCIL BLUFFS IOWA.  THIS WAS WHERE THE TUCK RULE WAS BORN.  HULK DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT NAME THOUGH, BECAUSE NOTHING IS EVER TUCKED IN SOCCER, WHICH IS THE SPIRITUAL GUIDING LIGHT OF BOTH THE FAMOUS GAME OF FOOTBALL AND THE TWISTING NARRATIVE OF GENERAL HOSPITAL.

AFTER THAT LEARNED COUNCIL MET, THEY ALL TIED A TURNIP TO THEIR BELTS, WHICH WAS THE STYLE AT THE TIME, AND CONCOCTED THE GREAT COLD FUSION SCAM OF THE EARLY 80S.  HULK WONDERS HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THIS LEARNED COUNCIL WAS MEETING IN EARLY 2002. WELL, ACCORDING TO HULK’S UNCLE, TED BANNER, THIS LEARNED COUNCIL RAN INTO STEPHEN HAWKING IN A BAR. HAWKING WAS HUSTLING REDNECKS IN A LINE DANCING CONTEST, AS IS HIS HOBBY.  NOW, AS HULK UNDERSTANDS IT, AND HOW YOU SHOULD INTERPRET THIS, IS THAT HAWKING DIDN’T SO MUCH INVENT A TIME MACHINE AS MUCH AS HE UNCOVERED IT. THAT’S RIGHT. HULK IS SAYING HAWKING UNCOVERED A TIME MACHINE. IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE BAR. HIS WHEELCHAIR GOT CAUGHT IN THE SHEET COVERING IT.

THIS LEARNED COUNCIL THEN TRAVELED BACK IN TIME AND MET WITH MATT GROENING. BO DIDDLEY THEN SHOT MATT GROENING WITH A .22 CALIBER PISTOL. IT WAS THEN THAT GROENING CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY BECOME THE TV SHOW THAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE: NIGHTLINE.

OLIVIA NETWON JOHN THEN WENT EVEN FURTHER BACK IN TIME AND STEPPED ON A BUTTERFLY. THIS CAUSED THE GAME OF FOOTBALL TO BE INVENTED IN 1869 AT YALE.  THIS ALSO CAUSED HOLLYWOOD TO FILM A MISUNDERSTOOD FILM NAMED THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, STARING ASHTON KUTCHER

FOOTBALL HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE LATE 19TH CENTURY, BUT IT WAS PERFECTED IN THE 90S BY THE DALLAS COWBOYS.

GETTING BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT…HULK UNDERSTANDS THAT MOST PEOPLE KNOW THIS TO BE A CRAPPY MOVIE. IT DID POORLY IN THE BOX OFFICE AND FEATURES A MORBIDLY OBESE ETHAN SUPPLEE, FRESH OFF HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE IN KEVIN SMITH’S MALLRATS. BUT HULK WANTS TO CHALLENGE YOU TO BELIEVE IN HULK’S GREATER PERCEPTION OF FILM THAN YOU POSSESS. RATHER THAN THINKING THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS A CRAPPY MOVIE MADE FROM A CRAPPY IDEA AND FEATURING A TERRRIBLE SCRIPT, HULK WANTS YOU TO LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS. NO, NOT THE SUB-TEXT. EVEN FURTHER. HULK WANTS TO LOOK INTO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT. SERIOUSLY, THIS TEXT IS SO SUB THAT IT LIKES TO BE SPANKED BY A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A SITH LORD.

SEE? HULK HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

BUT, GOING BACK TO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT OF THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, HULK SEES THAT ASHTON KUTCHER IS USED AS A CHRIST FIGURE. BUT NOT THE BIBLICAL CHRIST FIGURE. THE CHRIST FIGURE THAT FORMED THE MORMON CHURCH, INSPIRTED SCIENTOLOGY, AND PLAYED GUITAR IN DANZIG’S BAND IN THE EARLY 90S. HULK KNOWS THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THIS YET, SINCE YOU ARE NOT ON HULK’S LEVEL OF UNDERSTAND OF FILM, LIFE, AND THE FINE BARREL AGED WHISKEY THAT SOPHISTICATED ASIAN WOMEN LIKE TO DRINK TO ENHANCE THEIR MYSTERY AND DESIRABILITY, AND WHO LIKE TO RUN AWAY AFTER HULK BUYS THEM A DRINK AT THE BAR.

YOUR FRIEND HAS A FLAT TIRE MY GREEN GAMMA IRRADIATED ASS!

BUT BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT. OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, TWO AND A HALF CHRISTS.

SEE, IN HULK’S INTERPETATION, WHICH IS THE ONLY CORRECT INTERPRETATION (AND THIS IS THE ONLY CORRECT WAY TO SPELL INTERPRETATION, AND THAT’S HULK’S WAY), KUTCHER BECOMES A MYTHICAL SPACE CHRIST TO RIGHT THE WRONGS PERPETRATED ON THE FILM INDUSTRY BY METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER, THE HOUSE OF UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES, AND FRANK MILLER (AND BY THE WAY, DID YOU WATCH ROBOCOP 2 LAST NIGHT ON TCM? ROBOCOP’S METAPHOR OF THE LIMITS OF US POWER CONSTANTLY CRACKED HULK UP). IN THIS REGARD, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL FILMS EVER PUT TO LENS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS WORLD….OR THE NEXT!

BMK: That’s great, Hulk. Who do you like in this game?

FCH: HULK DOESN’T KNOW. SPORTS ARE ICKY.

CHARGERS
—–

GIANTS at JAGUARS

D.T.: This game has the makings of a real upset, and should scare the shit out of Eli Manning.

 

"Well... every game is kinda scary, D.T."

“Well… every game is kinda scary, D.T.”

 

Despite the fact that they simply can’t win, a lot of Jacksonville’s match-ups have left people looking at them sideways. This is going to be one of those games. The Giants continue to be shaky, despite some miraculous shit…

Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen outside of Disney movies starting Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Stuff like this isn’t supposed to happen outside of Disney movies starting Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

…and it’s difficult to predict if they’re going to be terrible and win or just terrible. I think the Giants will stick it out and come away with a win, but don’t expect this to be a cut-and-dry victory. We’re going to see some sloppy shit, and maybe Jacksonville’s last death rattle.

GIANTS

BMK: Take it away, Duke Fleed…

DF: In this week’s football con…test, the Giants will stride OVER the Jaguars.

BMK: Why do you post like that, anyway?

DF: I had…a stroke…of GOOD LUCK.

BMK: I don’t know who I hate more: me or you.

DF: Probably you. Since I’m beating you in picks.

GIANTS

—–

BENGALS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Another fun fact! The Buccaneers are one game away from the first pick in the 2015 NFL draft… and two games away from the playoffs. What the ever-living-fuck, NFC South?

Whatever. At least I don’t have to say much about this game, which I’m thankful for because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel, talking about all the games this week.

BENGALS
BMK: Okay, now, Mr. Richard Dickson, would you like to talk about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this week?

Richard?

Oh well…

BENGALS
—–

RAIDERS at RAMS

D.T.: I spoke too soon. Oh, sweet relief for these wrists of mine.

RAMS
BMK: For this pick, I interviewed this guy, who was picking up trash along the side of the road.

 

His name is Perceval.

His name is Perceval.

BMK: So, Perceval, who do you like this week?

P: Perceval sad.

BMK: Aw, why is Perceval sad?

P: Raiders no good.

BMK: Well, they’ll be good again, Perceval. Like when they move to San –

P: DON’T SAY THAT NAME! PERCEVAL DON’T LIKE THAT NAME! ARRGGGHH!

BMK: I’m sorry P, I didn’t mean anything by it.

P: It’s okay, Perceval has anger issues.  It’s why Perceval was kicked out of Ph.D. program at Brown.

RAMS
—–

SAINTS at STEELERS

D.T.: I feel bad for the Saints. The weight of coming into a season with the expectation of being a real contender for the post-season, and putting up a 4-7 season so far must be crushing. And it would be even more crushing if that 4-7 season didn’t still hold some real promise of carrying them into the fucking post season.

"Wait, what? We still got a shot at this fucker?"

“Wait, what? We still got a shot at this fucker?”

Though, I don’t expect them to best the Steelers this week and somehow take advantage of it. Last week, they let Justin Forsett run the ball for over 180 yards, and this week they have to contend with powerhouse Le’Veon Bell. Brees performed admirably against the Ravens, but even three touchdown passes and over 400 yards in the air weren’t enough to put a win together. The Steelers are likely to beat them by air and by land.

STEELERS
BMK: I don’t feel bad for the Saints. I feel bad for my friends who like the Saints.  The Saints have no troubles at all.  Most of them are millionaires and they live in New Orleans. Which is like Tijuana, only with more dysentery and corruption.

STEELERS

—–

PANTHERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Cam Newton will decide this game. If he plays like a professional quarterback, I see the Panthers taking it. If he plays like 2014 Cam Newton, it’ll be close. Let’s give Cam the benefit of the doubt one more time.

 

Mostly because I hate seeing this kid go to waste.

Mostly because I hate seeing this kid go to waste.

 

 

PANTHERS

BMK: Most people think writing a football column is easy.  And it is, if you half-ass it like me and fill it up with stupid “jokes.”

But sometimes it gets hard.  Case-in-point: this game. Who the hell do you pick in this match-up? It’s like watching two mentally challenged homeless people have a slap-fight.  Or like reading a AICN Talkbacker trying to make a cogent argument. It’s sad, it’s exploitative, and you feel a little bit dirty watching it…but…you can’t look away!

So who’s going to win this monumental suckfest?  Your guess is as good as mine, if not better.  In fact, I’d wager it’s better.

VIKINGS

—–

CARDINALS at FALCONS

D.T.: Battle of the Black and Red Birds. After their defeat in Seattle last week, the Cardinals are hungry to bounce back and keep their projection for the first seed in the NFC alive. Atlanta’s not a bad team to rebound against, either — they’re kind of like that mousy girl who works at the library who never really caught your eye until your girlfriend dumped you.

Shudder

 

The Falcons’ defense is dead last. It’s Drew Stanton’s time to shine and improve the franchise’s playoff outlook. If he can make that happen — even in Larry Fitzgerald’s absence — and Andre Ellington can march through and energize the run game, they can hit 10-2 and further cement that sweet first seed.

CARDINALS
BMK: Last week hurt. I’m hoping that the Cardinals offense stalling for the last seven quarters is an aberration and the result of them facing two very good, if not elite, defenses in a row.  Fitzgerald being out probably had a lot to do with that too, since John and Jaron Brown, while good receivers, are not going to strike the fear into the heart of a secondary like Seattle’s.  Fitz and Floyd create match-up problems when they’re both on the field, but take one away and you get what they got on last Sunday.

Anyway, I’m picking the Falcons here because, hey, why stop a good pattern.  Plus I’m afraid to pick the Cardinals.

FALCONS

PS: I know that I did the last couple as me. Deal with it. Especially with the next we have…
—–

PATRIOTS at PACKERS

GOTW

D.T.: Other games this week hold more meaning in the grand scheme of the 2014 season but let’s be honest: this is by far the flashiest and the most high profile. Two Quarterbacks who help define the term “elite”, both having excellent seasons and quite possibly at least one of them Super Bowl-bound. But we’re also looking at two iffy defenses, so what this’ll come down to is an offensive slug-fest. Tom and his friend Rob are crashing Aaron and Jordy’s party, and then intend to fuck up the carpet, set the drapes on fire and miss the toilet by a foot.

 

Which, let's be honest, is a pretty typical weekend for this guy.

Which, let’s be honest, is a pretty typical weekend for this guy.

 

Here’s how I see this going down: both teams have an excellent first half, and Rodgers will tire out his offensive unit by refusing to make substitutions. Bill Belichick, loving to do things by committee and change rate of play when necessary, will have his Patriots offense much more energetic as the clock ticks down. Eddie Lacy will wind down and be ready for a nap before the fourth quarter, while Vereen, Gray and Blount will still be ready to go. I mean yes, it’s Aaron Rodgers at home… but the Patriots haven’t lost a game in two months. Two months.

Bold prediction: Gronkowski sustains an injury in this game. It’s a terrible thing to say, but he’s due for one.

PATRIOTS

BMK: Take it away, John Gruden…

JG: Hey thanks Bryan. You know, I like this game. A lot. Two absolute Titans at their positions playing that the absolute height of their game, you know Jaws –

BMK: Bryan

JG: Like I was saying Jaws, you just don’t get much better than Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers.  I really like Tom Brady. He’s an amazing football player and all around great human being, why sometimes I call him when my wife’s out of town, did you know that, Jaws?

And Aaron Rodgers? Boy, don’t get me started on Aaron Rodgers, he makes the rest of us look like we’ve been living on Mars for the last ten years or so.

BMK: So who do you like in this game?

JG: I don’t know. Sports are icky.

PACKERS

—–

BRONCOS at CHIEFS

D.T.: A year ago, I was watching this exact same match-up at the exact same point in the season, in a brewery in Downtown Denver. The Broncos struggled, as they always do in pressure, but ended up rallying for a victory in the end (35-28). I expect this game to play out just like that, because these two teams are neck and neck in the AFC West. Peyton Manning doesn’t do well when he’s uncomfortable, and it’s going to be 48 degrees in an open stadium that’s loud as hell. I’m going to be bold, and say the Chiefs take a narrow victory this time around.

CHIEFS
BMK: I think you’re right on the upset, but I need to gain ground on you, so….

BRONCOS
—–

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: Geno Smith is back under center. Rex Ryan is definitely getting shit-canned. They’re going to lose in front of a national audience on prime time, when everyone’s already bummed about being back at work after a four day weekend. All is as it should be in New York.

DOLPHINS
BMK: This is the Monday night game?  It’s like Goddell is trolling us…

DOLPHINS
—–

D.T.: And there it is. Shit gets real from here on out, folks. We’ve got some really bizarre things happening in several divisions, and we’re going to see some serious do-or-die competition for playoff seeding. I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. And this week, I didn’t forget about the graphics! In fact, I drove to the office this morning on Thanksgiving to make sure we’d have them. That’s how thankful I am for this article, and my esteemed partner. Cheers man, and have a fantastic holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and be safe in your holiday travels. Goodnight!

 

PS – the office is on my way to a last-minute liquor run for dinner today.

Recap

BMK: I’m just thankful this column is over for this week.  It was hard. :`-(

 

 

 

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Written by B. Michael Krol

November 29, 2014 at 7:00 pm

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