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THUD Picks Week 14

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Week 14 -- it's a total dream!

Week 14 — it’s a total dream!

D.T.: I’m going to be straight up, folks. This is not going to be a good week of football. The final stretch of the season – through some weird happenings with scheduling – is chock full of divisional match-ups… and this week is the calm before the storm. While we have  Eagles/Cowboys and Seahawks/Niners rematches to look forward to in week 15, this week we have… the Patriots and the Chargers.

Tom Brady's reaction to being told he can't simply take next week off.

Tom Brady’s reaction to being told he can’t simply take next week off.

 

 

What say you about this week, dear Krol?

BMK: This week is yet another lineup of blah matches.

Many commentators will point out that this is because of parity in the NFL. And if by parity you mean a sea of mediocrity, then yeah, I agree with you. Anyway…on to the picks.

—–

COWBOYS at BEARS

Last week, the Bears lost miserably to their feline divisional rivals in the triumphant return of Megatron and Stafford to relevance. Cutler tossed for 280 yards and a pair of touchdowns, but that’s where the good times stopped rolling. Their top rusher for the week, Ka’Deem Carey, maxed out at… 8 yards.

 

"Y'know what, guys? This has been fun, but I think I'll go back to U of A."

“Y’know what, guys? This has been fun, but I think I’ll go back to U of A.”

Over the last few years, the Bears have dominated the Cowboys, but I don’t see them having a good week this time — even though the ‘Boys themselves had a shitty time against the Eagles last week. Look for the Cowboys to rebound and keep themselves on the Eagles’ heels.

COWBOYS

BMK: I’m going with the Cowboys on this one. I don’t trust the Bears at all or Jay Cutler, and while the Cowboys have some good weaknesses, I don’t think the Bears will be able to exploit them in a meaningful way.

—–

STEELERS at BENGALS

D.T.: Sadly, the Steelers have placed Defensive Lineman and locker room-leader Brett Kiesel on injured reserved, after the big man suffered a torn tricep. That leaves the Steelers defense hurting, alongside my chances of seeing Troy Polamalu use his beard as a staging point for a surprise attack.

 

 

"Surprise, motherfuckers!"

“Surprise, motherfuckers!”

Even with the absences of Kiesel, Harrison, Jones and others, they’re still looking better than the unpredictable Bengals team that barely held their own against the Buccaneers last week.

STEELERS

BMK: What in the hell happened to the Bengals? Sadly, the Ginger of Doom is going to fuck this one up good, again.

STEELERS

So I was going for the obvious Dexter Doakes reference, but I found this instead, which is way funnier.

So I was going for the obvious Dexter Doakes reference, but I found this instead, which is way funnier.

—–

RAMS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s kind of starting to look like the Rams might catch up the 49ers. They’ve got a forgiving schedule in this home stretch, and it starts off with the Redskins. True, Colt McCoy threw for nearly 400 yards and three touchdowns against the Colts, but Indy’s never been known for having a truly exceptional defense (Vontae Davis notwithstanding). The Rams are garnering a reputation for just that. I’m going to give it to the Rams this week. Mostly because fuck Gruden and Snyder.

RAMS

BMK: This game is one of the more interesting ones this week. There’s a couple of angles here.  1)Will RGIII start? 2) How will Gruden’s obvious contempt for RGII play out the rest of the year, and 3) Can the Rams make some noise in the final stretch of the season? I think they will.

RAMS

—–

GIANTS at TITANS

D.T.: The Giants will win, and Odell Beckham, Jr. will score nine touchdowns for my fantasy team. Fuck you, a man can dream.

GIANTS

BMK: Without a decent QB, Whisenhunt looks like the Ewok hating poor coach people said he was in AZ.

GIANTS

—–

PANTHERS at SAINTS

D.T.: Cam Newton is officially a problem. Krol and I like to spout off commentary to one another on Sundays, and one observation I had that I particularly liked (out of hundreds, of course) is that Cam Newton is quietly pulling an RGIII this season. He had himself a nice year last year, and after the first instance of injury, he’s completely lost his confidence and seemingly his will to play and command a game. It’s hard to argue against the idea that the Panthers’ season has fully hinged on his decision to contribute or not. The guy’s got a lot of weapons at his disposal and has forgotten how to put a play together.

The Saints, on the other hand, are slowly starting to remember how to win.

SAINTS

BMK: The Saints should have remembered how to win when they played the 49ers.

Anyway, to extend off DT’s point, I think we’re seeing the end of the whole “Mobile QB’s NOW AND FOREVER!” stage of the NFL’s development. And before any of you jokers out there start pointing out Russell Wilson, let me ask you a question: would Russell Wilson still be Russell Wilson if he had Dallas’s secondary?

—–

JETS at VIKINGS

D.T.: This game can fuck off. But, because I’m contractually obligated to make football picks, or lose my endorsements…

 

Actually... shit. Why don't I have any endorsements?

Actually… shit. Why don’t I have any endorsements?

 

…VIKINGS. I guess.

BMK: I’ll always endorse you man.

JETS

—–

RAVENS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: An interesting game, if for no other reason than the chase for the wild card in the playoffs. The Dolphins’ sloppy victory over the Jets put them back in the running, while the Ravens’ narrow loss to the Chargers held them back. Looking at these two teams on paper, I’d say the ‘Fins will take it, but who’s to say how Justin Forsett will handle himself against the 6th-ranked Miami defense? Or if Flacco decides to have himself a day and toss another hat-trick into the endzone?

DOLPHINS

BMK: I’m only two picks away from you and I’ve been picking against the Cardinals all year. So I’m taking the Ravens…AND VICTORY!

Mostly just the Ravens.  But speaking of Victory, it’s a great movie. Everyone should see it. It’s worth the price of an XBOX rental just to see the Pele bicycle kick repeated three times while Max Von Sydow looks on dreamily, probably picturing his massive residual checks from Flash Gordon.

RAVENS

—–

COLTS at BROWNS

D.T.: Looks like we may finally have that inevitable Quarterback controversy in Cleveland. After throwing his second of two interceptions into the hands of the Bills, Mike Pettine benched Brian Hoyer in favor of Johnny Manziel, who lead the team’s offensive unit 80 yards to Manizel’s first touchdown as an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t enough to save the team from a defeat, but it was enough for Pettine to take the first half of this week to decide on who to start against the Colts.

Uncertainty and doubt in your team’s on-field leadership is not a great way to wind down a season. They may as well gift-wrap this game as an early present for Christmas.

 

...or Hanukkah? The beard throws things off a bit.

…or Hanukkah? The beard throws things off a bit.

 

COLTS

BMK: Manziel was going to play sometime this year.  It was only a question of when.  I hope it’s sooner rather than later because I want to see this massive douche go down in vinegar scented flames. Seriously, this kid is worse than getting syphilis from an ape at the zoo.  Because, in that scenario, you’ll have an ape buddy. And apes are cool.

Of course, you’ll still have syphilis, but hey – it’s better than having Johnny Summer’s Eve as your starting QB.

COLTS

—–

BUCCANEERS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions finally got their shit together last week and pummeled the Bears. If they can hold it down, this’ll be a nice boost for them in the narrow NFC North race.

LIONS

BMK: This should be an easy win for the Lions. Which is why I’m nervous.  Not nervous enough to pick Buccaneers, but I’ll be scared all of Sunday.  And not just because I’m planning an A Nightmare on Elm St. movie marathon at my sleep over tonight, either.

LIONS

—–

TEXANS at JAGUARS

D.T.: I think it’s time for our weekly KrolFact™.

 

TEXANS

BMK: Currahee Mountain is a mountain located in Stephens County, Georgia near Toccoa. The name appears to be derived from the Cherokee word ᏊᏩᎯ (quu-wa-hi) meaning “stand alone.” Technically a part of the Georgia Piedmont or “foothill” province, Currahee Mountain rises abruptly about 800 vertical feet (240 m) above the local topography and is the highest peak in Stephens County. Part of the mountain is in the Chattahoochee National Forest. On clear days, the peak’s 1,735-foot (529 m) summit is visible for many miles and is a prominent landmark to the southeast of Georgia’s Blue Ridge Mountain crest.

The mountain was made famous internationally by Tom Hanks’ and Steven Spielberg’s television miniseries Band of Brothers, in which it was featured as a training site of the American Paratroopers at Camp Toccoa, Georgia where they ran up and down Currahee. The name of the mountain became the motto for these paratroopers including the famous quote: “3 Miles up, 3 Miles down”. The nickname of the 506th Infantry Regiment, of which Easy Company was a part of, is “Currahee”.
TEXANS
—–

BILLS at BRONCOS

D.T.: You got another one for us, Krol?

BRONCOS

BMK: No.

BRONCOS

—–

CHIEFS at CARDINALS

D.T.: What started off as a promising, almost meteoric rise of a season for the Cardinals has leveled off, and ever-mounting injuries now threaten what looked like a clear path to the playoffs. Safety Tyrann Mathieu, Offensive Tackle Jared Veldheer and Running Back Andre Ellington are the latest victims, each taking a huge chunk of their respective unit’s effectiveness with them.

There was real opportunity to bounce back against the weak Falcons defense, and the Cardinals offensive unit failed to meet the challenge. Quarterback Drew Stanton looks wholly under-confident, and the possibility of losing Jared Veldheer for a week or more leaves him exposed and likely running for his life against the Chiefs defense. With the Arizona defense currently under-performing, the doors open wide for Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles to have themselves a nice day in the perfect Arizona weather.

CHIEFS
BMK: Perfect weather my ass.  It’s still too hot in that God forsaken state.

Anyway, I’m going with the Cardinals on this one.  I got a gut feeling they’ll have a decent game again.  Especially since Fitzgerald is playing.

CARDINALS
—–

SEAHAWKS at EAGLES

 

THUD GOTW

 

D.T.: Okay, now it’s fair to say the Seahawks are enjoying a return to Championship form — at least on defense. I wasn’t wholly impressed with their sloppy win against Arizona (bias notwithstanding), but that secondary’s performance against San Francisco on Turkey Day was energized.

 

"Mmm, roasted Kaepernick. Just like mom used to make."

“Mmm, roasted Kaepernick. Just like mom used to make.”

Holding the Niners to a single touchdown, and causing a Thanksgiving-serving of turnovers lead the Seattle squad to a 19-3 victory. We’ll see how this revitalized defense holds up against the renaissance the Eagles offense celebrated last week as Mark Sanchez and LeSean McCoy lead their team to a shocking 33-10 victory over the Cowboys. Sanchez looks to be in control — perhaps overly so, as we saw him yelling at his receivers in Manning-like fashion, and even popping Riley Cooper with the ball after twice failing to run the correct route.

 

"If he screws up again, I'll shove the ball up his ass. Wait, hold on..."

“If he screws up again, I’ll shove the ball up his ass. Wait, hold on…”

 

 

Taking all things into consideration, the Eagles of week 14 are decidedly not the Niners of week 13. As much traction as their defense may be gaining, the Seahawks will find a whole new challenge in a Philly offense that’s rediscovered their confidence. Just to make things interesting, I give it to the Eagles.

EAGLES
BMK: DT makes some good points, but we’ve seen what Seattle’s secondary can do to really good QBs, and while I like the Sanchise, he’s no Peyton Manning.  Hell, he’s no Peyton Reed*. So I’m expecting a large type Seattle victory here.

SEAHAWKS

*I don’t get it either.
—–

NINERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: God damn, Saint Louis. You snatched up the little bit of dignity the Raiders had secured for themselves, and ate it slowly, salivating and moaning as they watched on in tears. I love you for that. Will the Niners be able to do the same? After the last couple of weeks they’ve had, I don’t know. I do think they’ll win, however, but by a margin much more respectable for the Raiders.

NINERS

BMK: Ugh. This game.  I was thinking about attending it in person but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, and Raiders tickets – normally hovering in the 35 dollar a head range – jumped up about a 100 bucks at the minimum.  So I guess I’ll need to find a way to expose myself to sub-moronic, thickheaded numbskulls beating each other up in a completely disgusting venue.

Maybe I’ll have lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.

NINERS

—–

PATRIOTS at CHARGERS

D.T.: And so ends the Chargers season. They managed to surprise us with a one-point win against the Ravens, but their last four games (Patriots, Broncos, Niners, Chiefs) will see to it that they don’t catch up to their divisional rivals. It’s the Chiefs and Broncos who will take the AFC West, and the Patriots will have an easier time against Filipe Rios and his band of cohorts than they did in Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood last week.

 

"I object! On the grounds of fuck you!"

“I object! On the grounds of fuck you!”

PATRIOTS

BMK: I don’t think the Chargers season ends here. Their last four games are tough, true, but I think the Chargers can beat both the Niners and the Chiefs.  What’s more – they HAVE to.

They won’t beat the Patriots here though.

PATRIOTS

—–

FALCONS at PACKERS

D.T.: The week wraps up with another dud waiting to happen. I mean, really. This game is like a reward for the Packers for beating the Patriots last week. Eddie Lacy is going to truck through injured Desmond Trufant, then pick him up and eat him as a snack on the way to the end zone. And still be hungry. Aaron Rodgers is going to play with his helmet on backwards. Jordy Nelson is going to staple pictures of himself having sex with the Falcons’ Cornerbacks to the back of his jersey, and even that won’t motivate them keep up. I’m exaggerating, but —

 

"No, no, keep going. I especially like the part about sex."

“No, no, keep going. I especially like the part about sex.”

 

— this is a lame match-up to end a terrible week. This isn’t even going to be interesting if you’re a Packers fan. I feel bad for the guy in my fantasy league who has to play the Packers homer who drafted Rodgers and Nelson. That dude’s going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. This game is just going to fuck everyone’s week up.

PACKERS

BMK: Let’s see, the Falcons are iffy on the road, iffy in the cold, and iffy on defense.  Yeah, they’re beating the eventual Superbowl Champions…

PACKERS

—–

D.T.: Let’s wrap up the week with a tribute to the winning-est teams from Week 13!

Cheerleader 3 Cheerleader 2 Cheerleader 1

Even she gets distracted by how heavenly she is...

Still better than any cheerleader I’ve seen.

BMK: Thanks again for reading us folks. Next week it’ll be better…I promise.

Current Recap

This post was written/compiled while listening to The Return of the King soundtrack and a little voice inside my head saying don’t look back, you can never look back.

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Written by B. Michael Krol

December 6, 2014 at 5:52 pm

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