Ruminations, etc..

WEEK TWELVE

D.T.: Week 12 is upon us. The Raiders are the very first team officially out of running for the post-season, and they’ve completed a full calendar year since their first win. Happy anniversary!

Week 11 shocked the hell out of a lot of people — especially those with predispositions to wearing orange. The Broncos lost an absolute stunner against the Rams, putting the Chiefs in a key position to actually take the lead in the AFC West. The Texans pulled somewhat of an upset, as former Tom Brady-shadow and clipboard commando, Ryan Mallett, claimed his first starting victory over the Browns with a little help from his new friend JJ Watt. And not least of all, fans of the Bengals received quite a shock when their team marched into New Orleans and left the Saints in shambles.

 

Overall, it was a fine week of football, and week 12 should be interesting, as well!

BMK: So last week was the first week ever where the NFL had multiple matchups of teams that were over .666 in winning percentage.  How did that go?

For the most part, it was sort of meh. So let that be a lesson to you young whippersnappers out there: multiples aren’t always a good thing!

The Green Bay destroyed the Eagles, continuing the trend of Green Bay’s regular season dominance.  I’m still not impressed by them as a whole (gaudy stats aside).  What has Green Bay done in the playoffs (or for me) lately?  Nothing. That’s what.  They’re a team built for regular season dominance.  They’re like a team composed of nothing but Peyton Mannings: build for speed but not to last.  Paging Roy Batty…

The Patriots obliterated the Colts.  Unleashing a serious of dumb Gronk jokes.  That dude is quickly working my last nerve…

And the Cardinals beat the Lions. Which was really cool, if you should ask me.  Although you could’ve turned the game off in the first ten minutes of the first quarter.  Oh well, a win is a win, right?

Off to the picks!

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CHIEFS at RAIDERS

D.T.: …but, not so fast. First, we have to slog through yet another shitty Thursday Night Football game, wherein the Oakland Raiders stab hated rivals the Denver Broncos by allowing the Chiefs and easy win and the number one spot in the division, for at least a couple of days.

 

CHIEFS
BMK: For those of you that don’t know about the behind the scenes machinations of this column, let me give you a quick n dirty on how this wonderfulness is brought to you ever week…

Usually around Wednesday, DT will send me his picks and pictures.  I spend the rest of the day pissed off because his stuff is so thoughtful and funny. Then, sometime Thursday afternoon, after I’ve been kicked out of Jim’s in Union City, I stumble home drunk and I write my portion. I then post the column, irritated that I’ve added very little value and pissed off at CHUD for their passive aggressive treatment of this here sports column.

Why is any of this important?

Because I want you understand the absolute shock I went through when I saw that picture of Mark Davis.  Imagining opening your email to THAT. The Raiders are “only” worth 787 billlion dollars, which is dead last in the NFL, but even at such Pauper’s wages, can’t this motherfucker afford to hire a stylist?  Pro-tip Marky: bowl cuts look creepy after the age of 6.  I’m bald and even I don’t covet that strawberry mop you have on your head.  Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh, uh, yeah, the Chiefs will win.

CHIEFS
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BROWNS at FALCONS

D.T.:

The Browns welcome back star Wide Receiver Josh Gordon this week, as they take on the Falcons. Josh Gordon’s has had quite the season, so far: I hear he almost sold a Ford Focus — then the customer realized he had misheard Gordon and was not being invited to “Go Smoke Dis”. Gordon should find success upon returning to his Cleveland squad: the team was enjoying a three-win streak until being stopped short by the Texans. Atlanta, on the other hand managed to squeak out a win, despite themselves, against an ever-ailing Panthers team. Cam Newton provided very little resistance to Matt Ryan and his Falcons, and has admitted his poor performance has been to due injury. I think there’s more to it, but at least Carolina has a bye week to sort things out. Getting back on track, I see the Browns commanding this game in Atlanta, and sticking another feather in their caps.

Because birds have feathers. GET IT?!

BROWNS

BMK: Karlos “Nosferatu” Dansby just announced he’ll be rehabbing his sprained MCL like a vampire.  Meaning he’ll be eating lots of lobster and mashed potatoes. Uh…wot?

BROWNS

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TITANS at EAGLES

D.T.: I think we’re all impressed with Zach Mettenberger at this point. The kid went from getting wiped out and taunted by JJ Watt the previous week to standing toe-to-toe with Ben Roethelisberger, and out-throwing him by 60 yards and a touchdown. The Steelers would ultimately take a frustrating win over the Titans, however, as they’d claim a 3 point lead and cling to it by running the ball for the entire fourth quarter. Still, the Titans have to be riding high right now, and their secondary put on a fine display Monday night. They sacked Big Ben five times, and held him to just over 200 yards passing, and this week, they’re up against another powerhouse offense in the Eagles. Philly was smacked down pretty hard by the Packers, but it wasn’t the fault of Mark Sanchez, who actually edged out Aaron Rodgers in passing yards. The Eagles defense simply couldn’t contain the Green Bay offensive unit — however, Mettenberger is no Rodgers, and the Titans defense will have a harder time keeping up with Philly’s multi-threat offense. I think Philadelphia will walk away with this one.

EAGLES

BMK: Okay, so maybe last week was the wrong week to declare my love for the Sanchise. But, as DT pointed out above, he didn’t do so bad in last week’s beat down.  This week he should do even better and come away with a ‘W.’ But who cares?  Philadelphia is still Philadelphia and Philadelphia sucks.

EAGLES

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LIONS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: The Lions had a tough time of it in Arizona, where the Cardinals defense held them to zero touchdowns in all four quarters, and their next stop on this road trip is the home of yet another solid passing defense. We’ve all be looking for Calvin Johnson to make his fabled comeback, but against top-tier backfields and this late in the season, he’s hard-pressed to make it happen. I read a pretty in-depth report today about how the Lions’ offense is struggling so much because of conservative play-calling, and a focus on short throws. That was all fine and well back when they only had one wide-out of note, and he was pulling coverage. Now that they have two excellent receivers out there, it’s time to make shit happen. Lombardi needs to let Stafford do what Stafford does best, and that’s connect with his receivers on deep balls.

 

Still… it’s the damned Patriots. As good as the Lions’ defense is, nothing seems to contain the continuing saga of the Brady-Gronkowski Bromance. The team is on fire, and they’re going to win.

PATRIOTS

BMK: If this game were in Detroit I’d be more inclined to give it to them, since Detroit’s defense is still pretty badass.  But New England generally doesn’t lose at home, so….

PATRIOTS

—–

PACKERS at VIKINGS

D.T.: The first meeting these two teams had resulted in the first collective “Oh… fuck…” from spectators the country over. It was then that we knew Rodgers was back in top form, and we’d see some special things out of him this season. Last week, he was laughing so hard at the Eagles defense that they’ve since made a public issue of it. Expect Rodgers to just flat out piss himself laughing this week. And expect Teddy to piss himself when he sees Clay Matthews playing inside linebacker again.

 

PACKERS
BMK: I think I covered the Packers pretty well in the opening remarks. As for the Vikings?  Feh.  This aint their year.

PACKERS
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JAGUARS at COLTS

D.T.: There are two things more shameful than the Jacksonville Jaguars. One is the Oakland Raiders.

 

COLTS

BMK: The third thing more shameful than the Jaguars is how I spent my 20s…

COLTS

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BENGALS at TEXANS

D.T.: Oof. After last week’s games, this one’s hard to pick a winner for. Ryan Mallett showed real promise in his first outing, and the Texans are willing to pull out every trick in the book to win. Andy Dalton is inconsistent as hell, the Bengals are playing barely acceptable football, and yet they’re still 6-3-1. I’m inclined to call the Browns a harder team to beat than the Bengals now, and I think if the Texans can keep up that creativity and fearlessness, they can pull out a win.

TEXANS
BMK: Gah! Who do you trust here?  The Ginger of Doom or Ryan “The Hammer” Mallett?

Of course, neither is an appropriate answer too. The Texans still have JJ Watt. So I guess I’ll go with them this week.

TEXANS
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JETS at BILLS

D.T.: As of right now, the Bills organization is offering $10 an hour and free tickets to help shovel snow… and Buffalo is expecting seven feet of snow for the game. SEVEN FEET. Watching players run the field is going to be like looking at those little pin things moving around in a freshly-shaken Etch-A-Sketch. The Bills are unable to even practice because they can’t get to the facility. This game is going to be wildly entertaining because there’s a real possibility that no one will even make it to the field. If they do, we’re in for a hysterical mess that we’ll all be talking about clear into next season. I guess… uh… hell, let’s give it to Buffalo. Anything can and will happen here.

BILLS
BMK: Seven feet of snow?  Man…not even God wants to see the Jets play the Bills, and he loves EVERYBODY.

BILLS
—–

BUCCANEERS at BEARS

D.T.: Tampa Bay Head Coach Lovie Smith pays his first visit to the team that fired him, two years ago. This is like running into your ex-girlfriend two years after breaking up, wherein she’s moved on with an average-looking but respectable dude, and you’ve spent your time drinking cheap beer eating chocolate frosting. Sadly, the Bucs actually have more to gain this week, since they’re still in the playoff hunt in such a shitty division. It’s incredible that the Bucs have a 2-8 record, halfway through the season, and they’re only two games under their division’s leaders. The Bears can probably concede to the fact that the Lions and Packers own their division this season, so this win is really just a slap in the face to Lovie. And I believe that slap will be firm.

 

BEARS
BMK: Has any team this year disappointed more than the Bears? I mean, besides Team Krol?

It seems like everyone expected them to be way more competitive than they’ve turned out to be.  Which is a shame, because I think football is better when Chicago is doing well.

BEARS
—–

CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Okay, what I’m about to say does not come from a place of bias, or being an Arizona local: the Seahawks are a vulnerable, beatable team if the Cardinals have their heads in the game. Bruce Arians’ squad is notorious for having trouble covering Tight Ends, and Seattle has none to speak of. Seattle’s middling receiver corps is going to match up against Arizona’s backfield in the Cardinals favor, as Corners Patrick Peterson and Antonio Cromartie are playing at peak level right now. Richard Sherman has been on the slow side this season, and he’s been getting smoked by receivers quite a bit; Arizona would do well to match him with speedster John Brown. The three biggest opponents Arizona will have to face in this match-up are Marshawn Lynch, Russell Wilson and their own mental demons. The Arizona run defense has been excellent, and putting pressure on Wilson by blitzing will limit his options. This is a winnable game, even in Seattle, if the Cardinals can keep their heads free of divisional rival and defending champion psyche-outs.

CARDINALS
BMK: DT makes a convincing argument. However, Seattle’s back is against the wall.  And that’s when Seahawks are at their most dangerous. Or something.

Do Seahawks even have backs?  I mean, I guess they do, being three dimensional beings and all. Speaking of Euclidian geometry, can you imagine an extra-dimensional seahawk? A fourth dimensional seahawk would just be a long line of seahawks. And a fifth dimensional Seahawk would be badass.  It could score touchdowns, defend the pass, and tell Matt McConaughey’s daughter how to find NORAD using binary code.

Regardless of DTs sage wisdom, I’m going with the Seahawks this week.

SEAHAWKS

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RAMS at CHARGERS

D.T.: The Rams defeated the Broncos last week, pretty handily. Was it a fluke, or something more? They travel to San Diego to face another offense-heavy AFC West team, but one with a struggling quarterback. The Chargers looked shaky last week against the Raiders, in a surprisingly-low scoring match-up, in which Rivers only threw one touchdown completion. The Rams defense is fired up, and you know what? I think they’ll put the fear in San Diego’s quarterback, who’s desperate for a rebound. Expect a low-scoring affair, with the Rams defense commanding the field.

RAMS
BMK: I have a soft spot in my heart for the Rams.  Of course, after my bypass I have a soft spot in my heart for everyone.  Hiyo.

Anyway, the Rams are a lot closer than I think people give them credit for.  Their defensive line is a goddamn monster at the very least, and I expect that monster to eat Philip Rivers whole, pausing only to spit out his ridiculous bolo tie.

RAMS
—–

DOLPHINS at BRONCOS

D.T.: The Broncos’ offense took a hit last week, while squaring off against the Rams. Running Back Montee Ball, Tight End Julius Thomas and WIde Receiver Emmanuel Sanders are all currently questionable to appear in this week’s game against the Dolphins. If the latter two are out, it could spell trouble for Manning: their absence last week was noticeable, and threw Peyton off his rhythm. He’s a quarterback who loves his comfort zone, and shifting it results in frustration and mistakes. It’s key for the Dolphins to be aware of that, and exploit it: turnovers, dropped passes and trouble maintaining organization could all result in a bounty for the ‘Fins, if they want it. Dolphins Quarterback Ryan Tannehill is still on a roll, but his questionable offensive line is going to be ripped up by Denver’s defense. It’ll be interesting if this match-up ends up being a defensive struggle, with both powerful offenses feeling helpless. I think it’ll be close. For right now, though, until we know the status of Thomas and Sanders, I’ll stick with the Broncos for the home win.

BRONCOS

BMK: Peyton lost last week. To the Rams. Let that sink in a for a second.

Anyway, Peyton is 63-2-1 when facing an animal mascot the week after losing to an animal mascot.  So He’ll beat the Dolphins handily.

BRONCOS
—–

REDSKINS at 49ERS

D.T.: Holy shit, could things be any worse in Washington? Their Quarterback has physically and emotionally buckled under the weight of being a would-be-savior to a doomed franchise. Everyone is pointing the finger at someone else, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the general feeling of the locker room was more doom and gloom than even Oakland’s. The Niners are a bit of a mess too, but at least everyone knows who’s to blame there.

 

 

The Niners claimed a narrow victory over the sloppy Giants, and they’ll find themselves easily dominating a Redskins team that’s dominated by their own directionless in-fighting and lack of drive.

49ERS

BMK: So I picked up Grand Theft Auto V for the Xbox One on Tuesday, and I started playing the Franklin storyline. After playing it for a bit, I got bored, so I started driving like an a-hole, shooting up the town, and generally acting like an anti-social arch-criminal. Then it hit me: I’m role playing Aldon Smith!

49ERS.

—–

COWBOYS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giant’s defense simply won’t be able contain a rested Romo and Murray. They’re in absolute free fall, suffering from a current streak of five losses. There’s not much else to say, here… I’m not even sure the Giants will rebound against the Jaguars next week.

 

COWBOYS

 

BMK: The Giants are done and I think everyone knows it. I’m not sure they psychologically recovered from losing to Seattle a couple weeks back.

 

Now the speculation can begin: who’s replacing Coughlin next year? My vote? Rex Ryan.

 

COWBOYS

—–

RAVENS at SAINTS

D.T.: It’s getting to be do-or-die mode for both of these teams. The Ravens are one game behind the Steelers for first place in the AFC North, and they’ve no doubt spent their bye week planning a push for a low seed in the playoffs. The Saints are heavily invested as well, being involved in the aforementioned 4-win-tie in the NFC South. The first time to get their shit together in that division will be the one to take it; why it hasn’t been the Saints is beyond even my encyclopedic knowledge of football. The bi-polar season they’re having must be maddening to their fans, and failing last week to contain the Quarterback with the worst passer rating in 50 years is pretty inexcusable. I give it to the Ravens this week: they’ve got more at stake, and there’s actually some drive there, whereas the Saints are just floating along.

RAVENS
BMK:  I’m not sure I’m buying the Saints losing three straight, especially not while playing in the Superdome.  Brees is still Brees and the Ravens defense is not what it’s used to be (especially against the pass), so I’m taking the Saints here.

SAINTS
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DT: Next week is Thanksgiving! And what we have to be thankful for, besides our health, families, beer and Kelvin Benjamin? Some decent fucking match-ups while we feast. We’ve got three solid and exciting divisional match-ups that all mean something: Bears at Lions, Eagles at Cowboys and Seahawks at Niners. The rest of the week looks to be a bit of a mess, but at least we’ll all have left-over pie to sweeten things a bit. Thanks folks, and good night!

 

BMK: Next week the only thing I’ll be thankful for is Reddi-Whip.  And Kat Dennings.