THUD NFL Picks Week 3
DT: It’s getting weird out there, folks, and it’s only going to get more weird. Week two saw several bizarre upsets, many key players injured or deactivated for off-field offenses, and the overall climate of the league is not a positive one. Still, that’s for the suits and sponsors to deal with, while we fans have our own responsibilities: playing it savvy on the fantasy waiver wire, and not drinking ourselves into a coma. Week three should hold even more surprises as many teams’ morale will shift, and teams start taking a concerned look at their records so far.
BMK: Agreed. Last week was terrible. It showed you just how unpredictable, scary, and brutal the league and its players can be.
And the games were even worse, amirite? But seriously folks, I gotta tell ya…
Anyway, what’s interesting to me is that, since the new playoff format started, only 12% of the teams that go 0-2 make it to the playoffs. Which means that it’s possible neither the Colts or the Saints will make it to the post-season. Of the current crop of 0-2 teams, I’m thinking the Colts have the easier path to post-season glory, since their division is sort of weak and Andrew Luck is a great QB. Which means the Saints would stay home in January. Considering how many people had the Saints in the Superbowl, that’s amazing. And amusing to me. Since I hate LA.
And Louisiana aint so great either. Hiyo.
BUCCANEERS at FALCONS
D.T.: Tampa Bay came into the new season with a lot of promise. However, they failed to beat a Panthers team who played without their star quarterback, and let the broken Rams team, led by a third-string quarterback, squeak away with a win in week two. This week, they face the Falcons, who are coming off a high from win against their most-hated divisional rival, and their second week at home. The Bucs will shift into panic mode as they come away 0-3.
FALCONS.
BMK: Roddy White’s an idiot, but he’s part of the number one ranked passing attack in the league. At least, he normally is. He may not be this week. But anyway, I’m taking The Atlanta Matt Ryans for this one. You’d be wise to do the same. Especially if you want to be a winner like me.
Pictured: B. Michael Krol
FALCONS
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CHARGERS at BILLS
D.T.: Who thought the Bills would be here, coming into week three? They’ve beaten two teams they were favored to lose against, including the Dolphins, who were running on momentum from spanking the Patriots in week one. I’m playing favorites here and personally hoping they beat the Chargers; mostly because I dislike the Chargers, and would like to see the Bills have the championship belt for a week. The Chargers are coming off a win against a Seattle team that doesn’t quite look like the champions we saw last season, but is still a force. I see San Diego doing fairly well going forward (I think I predicted them as having a winning season in my pre-season write-up), but remaining inconsistent, as their first two weeks have illustrated. I’m going with the scrappy, underdog Bills.
BILLS
BMK: San Diego is riding high off their victory against Seattle. After the refs spotted Seattle 7, San Diego spent the rest of the game dismantling the Seahawks. Which made my black, black, heart happy.
They’re going to win again this week. I like Philip Rivers a lot (but you know, not “like like”), and Gates seems to have found the fountain of middle-age somewhere. They’ll win easily in the land of tangy chicken wings.
Incidentally, if you’ve never been to Buffalo, keep it that way. I was there for a wedding years ago and it was depressing. And their famous chicken wings suck.
CHARGERS
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COWBOYS at RAMS
D.T.: The Cowboys’ shaky offense and non-existent defense are going to be decimated by each team they play of superior or equal talent. However, they’ll keep their record middling by picking off teams with weaknesses. The Titans were such a team, and the Rams will be, too.
Pictured: 2014 Cowboys
As much as I’d like to see the Rams recover from their dire quarterback situation, I think the Cowboys will capitalize and find a hollow victory in achieving 2-1 in week three.
COWBOYS
BMK: I don’t know what will win here: St. Louis’s incompetence or Dallas’s. I’m picking Dallas because Tony Romo is better than St. Louis’s 3rd string QB. Thus, Dallas’s long march to 8-8 continues apace.
COWBOYS
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REDSKINS at EAGLES
D.T.: How freaking weird are the Washington Redskins? They have an injury prone quarterback that can’t be trusted to stay healthy or maintain a consistent quality of play, yet they continue to rally around him. Kirk Cousins stepped in after RGIII suffered yet another lower body injury, and the guy rallied the ‘Skins to a 41-10 win against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Washington needs to realize that the reality of Cousins being a better fit for their offense and the team’s chemistry with him is a better option that the idea of RGIII. Regardless of all this, the Eagles’ no-huddle offense is absolutely explosive right now, and they’ll run circles around the Redskins.
EAGLES
BMK: This is a tough one to pick, and not just because of my clear incompetence at picking football winners. Philadelphia is a talented team that’s features Darren “Tiny Typhoon” Sproles, but Washington destroyed Jacksonville last week, once Kirk “Tradebait” Cousins got into the game. Still, as good as “Philadelphia” is I don’t see them going 3-0. This will be my famous last words, obviously…
Oh, and I’d just like to point out that I was one week off from my prediction of Kirk Cousins having a great week after an RGIII injury. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, DT???!!!???
WASHINGTON
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TEXANS at GIANTS
D.T.: After their loss in week one, Giants Wide Receiver Victor Cruz went on record saying that the key to jump-starting the Giants’ offense was to throw the ball to him.
Yeah, not so much, Victor.
Of the 40 passes Eli Manning was able to fire off in week two, about a quarter of them went to Victor. He caught half of them, and the Giants went on to suffer another frustrating defeat at the hands of the Cardinals. Coming up against a super-powered defense from Houston, the Giants will continue to disappoint and earn themselves an 0-3 record. The Texans will build on their current 2-0 record with a respectable win, and JJ Watt will consider requesting his designation be changed to “Person Hitter/Ball Catcher” in 2015.
TEXANS
BMK: Houston is currently sitting at 2-0, which was their record last year before completely nose-diving for the rest of the season, nearly killing their coach in the process. Houston has seemingly improved from last year (how’s THAT for insightful analysis), but I’m concerned about their ability to score points. I’m taking the Giants here because I think Eli and the boys will want to make up for their defeat last week. So, if you’re a betting man, take Houston. And then go get help. Since no one should be gambling on sports. And if you are, you should not be using my picks. What are you, a lunatic?
And DT, respectfully, I’m not sure anyone involved in the NFL should change their title to “Person Hitter.” It sends the wrong message about violence in sports.
GIANTS
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VIKINGS at SAINTS
D.T.: Hoo-boy. Both of these teams are sitting in the middle of a shit-storm. Adrian Peterson is deactivated for abusing his children, and half the Saints roster should be deactivated for the abuse they took from Cleveland last week. Cleveland.
This Gatorate jug may contain 2% Manziel urine.
The Saints really need to examine what’s happening on both sides of the ball. Drew “Knocked Over by a Stiff” Brees was able to bring the offense back from the dead, but their defense still allowed the Browns to best them. In any other season (besides 2011) this would have been a slam dunk, but Cleveland is showing some real fight, and after what they were able to accomplish in a narrow loss to Pittsburgh in week one, it’s not fair to call either of New Orleans’ losses a fluke. Will the Saints dust themselves off and claim their first win, or will Minnesota recover from their loss against New England? Will the revelation of Cordarelle Patterson and Matt Asiata trample all over New Orleans’ defense? I honestly have no idea what will happen with these two teams. But…
SAINTS
BMK: New Orleans is reeling right now, but I can’t believe that they’ll go down 0-3. They just can’t…can they???
No, not against Minnesota. In fact, this game should be a total ass whoopin. The kind you get sent to prison for. Only the Saints won’t get sent to prison, they’ll get sent back to New Orleans, which is worse than prison. Since it’s hot and filled with drunk people. And poisonous snakes. Don’t forget those.
SAINTS
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TITANS at BENGALS
D.T.: The toe injury suffered by Bengals Wide Receiver AJ Green, in their victory over the Falcons last week, leaves the Cincinnati offense in question. It’s been announced the injury isn’t long-term, but the time-table for Green’s return isn’t clear. If he comes back well enough to play, the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee. If he’s unable to perform… the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee.
BENGALS
BMK: Prisco over at CBS Sports has Cincy as the number one team in the NFL right now. I think that might be stretching it a bit (and who are you going to believe? An “analyst” who spends thousands of hours examining game tape and statistics, or some dude with a wordpress blog who makes his picks after drinking?), but Cincy should win easily here. The Ginger of Doom will pass all over Tennessee’s secondary and Cincinnati’s defense should handle the Titan’s adorable attempts at offense. Really guys – it’s cute. The way you throw and run the ball…
BENGALS
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RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: There’s seriously no empirical data or evidence to suggest one team will beat the other. Let’s just look at some cheerleaders. Wait… the Browns don’t have cheerleaders? Ohio is home to two NFL teams, the Football Hall of Fame, a history of having very little reason to watch the field, and one of their teams doesn’t have cheerleaders? It’s like the NFL is actively trying to make this part of the column difficult for me to write. I’m rage-quitting this prediction, and picking the Browns.
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are 1-1 under Brian “THE DESTROYAH” Hoyer. I’m rooting for this kid to succeed. Because the longer he does well, the less Manziel we’ll have in our lives. And that’s a good thing.
Relax DT, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings…
BROWNS
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PACKERS at LIONS
D.T.: NFC North divisional games are always fun, because each team has a great quarterback and receivers, and none of them have any sort of passing defense. They always turn into exciting, decent-scoring shootouts, and this time around should be no different. However, Detroit has to figure out a way to make Megatron and Tate relevant if they want to keep up with the ridiculous chemistry Green Bay’s enjoying between Quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Wide Receiver Jordy Nelson. If Stafford can snap out of his funk and take full advantage of the dangerous long game he has at his disposal, this could turn into an exciting match-up.
PACKERS
BMK: This is a tough one to call. I think I’m giving it to Detroit because a) they’re at home, b) and I trust their defense a little more. Plus they’re the Lions, and Lions used to fight Packers in ancient Rome, who’d always lose. Even back then the Packers had a crappy defense.
LIONS
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COLTS at JAGUARS
D.T.: If the Colts can wake up Andrew Luck (seriously, the guy was already sporting a thousand-yard stare during the National Anthem) keep their dumb-ass offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton (more like Lethargic Hamilton, right?) in check, they should enjoy the first of two bye weeks this season.
“Hello Darkness, my old friend…”
However, the gross incompetence of last week’s play-calling against the Eagles probably has this team riding on a low level of confidence. The Jags may score themselves some points and put up a decent fight, but if Luck can call his own shots and find a way to upgrade his connection with TY Hilton and Reggie Wayne from dial-up back to cable, they should clean house.
Keeping this fucking guy off the field wouldn’t hurt, either.
COLTS
BMK: Really?
COLTS
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RAIDERS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Holy shit, the Raiders are playing the Patriots? So much for watching football. I’ll be spending the day keeping my friend James, who’s an Oakland native, from killing himself and everyone in a mile radius.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Good luck with your buddy James, DT. But I don’t think you have to worry about much. I live in the East Bay and no one out here thinks the Raiders are any good. Except that dude that dresses like Darth Vadar and goes to the games. But he’s homeless and smells like piss. In other words, just like every other Raiders fan out there.
Anyway, there is absolutely no way – literally, no way – that Oakland can win this. Which means Oakland will win it in a rout.
NEW ENGLAND
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49ERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The NFC West’s first divisional match-up. The 49ers come into this match-up in Arizona with their pass rushing hindered by Outside Linebacker Aldon Smith’s suspension, and their offense troubled by Tight End Vernon Davis’ questionable eligibility due to an injury. The Cardinals are a great home team, but Quarterback Carson Palmer and star Running Back Andre Ellington are likely to be game-time decisions again. The Cardinals’ strength lies in their defense, and ability to create turnovers — if they can create the same type of atmosphere as we saw in the Chicago/San Francisco game and avoid drawing penalties, we could see the Cards walk out with the first NFC West divisional win, and a 3-0 record. I’ll bank on that.
CARDINALS
BMK: Okay, I watched the 49ers game last week and I have to say, as a resident of the Bay Area, I loved the second half. It was everything I wanted in a football game. Harbaugh’s tears make for a delicious vintage no wine from Napa can match.
That said, I cannot pick Arizona here. First of all, the 49ers always play Arizona tough. Back in the day, when SF went 2-12, their lone two victories were against the Cardinals. Second, the Cardinals do not have much of a pass rush, and SF has one of the best offensive lines going right now, even with its issues on the right side. Third, most importantly, I’ve been picking against them all along here and they’ve been winning. So why change that?
SAN FRANCISCO
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BRONCOS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Without a doubt, the game of the week and the one that will receive the most attention. The Broncos spent the entire offseason using the anger of their Super Bowl loss to fuel their training and resolve. Sunday night it will all come to a head, they’ll be out for blood. Peyton Manning will demand nothing less than perfection, but will he get it against the Seattle squad who, despite a loss against the Chargers last week, still looks razor sharp and deadly?
I kind of hope so, because no one wants to see this shit again.
Officiating is likely to play a huge factor in this match-up, as both teams will be playing with tons of physicality. Expect lots of yellow flags, including personal fouls and unsportsmanlike conduct, and possibly an injury or two. In the end, I see a bitter and determined Broncos squad handing the Seahawks their second home loss in Russell Wilson’s tenure.
BRONCOS
BMK: Seattle got embarrassed last week by the Chargers, so normally I’d pick Seattle to win in a rout since they have something to prove. Problem is, Peyton Manning was way more embarrassed in the Superbowl by Seattle. So who do you pick in a battle between an immovable object vs. irresistible force? I’m picking Mr. Irresistible himself, Peyton Manning, to hand Seattle their first consecutive loss this season.
Oh, by the way, I know that the whole, irresistible force vs an immovable object thing is supposed to illustrate a stalemate between two evenly matched and powerful entities, and, technically, there can be no winner between the two, so don’t bother pointing it out. But if this does end up in a tie, I’ll owe you a coke.
BRONCOS
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CHIEFS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: Miami’s starting Running Back, Knowshon Moreno, is likely not to suit up against the Chiefs after dislocating his elbow on his first run in week two. His energy and drive was instrumental in their week one win against the Patriots, and his absence in week two played an obvious role in their week two loss against the Bills. The Chiefs have been near-decimated with injuries in just the first two weeks, with last week’s match-up adding Jamaal Charles and Safety Eric Berry to the list. Coupled with Alex Smith’s inability to complete half of his intended passes leaves the Kansas City offense in serious jeopardy. I don’t think they’ll pull off a road upset.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I have no idea who to pick here. So I got two cat treats and put them on two separate plates, each plate marked with a Chiefs or a Dolphins logo, and let my cat, Sam, go. Whichever team got their treat eaten, I’d pick.
You know what happened? That #U%)#_*$_ cat ate both treats. I need a new cat.
This guy sucks at making football picks almost as much as I do.
DOLPHINS
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STEELERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The return of Cam Newton brought with it an impressive win against the Lions, whose offense simply could not get it together. Carolina showed their ability to utilize their own green receiving corps, and rookie Kelvin Benjamin continues to prove himself a stud and a brilliant remedy for what many believed would be Carolina’s weakness this season. They’ll be without half of their Defensive Duo, however, as Greg Hardy has been deactivated while investigations over a domestic abuse case are being carried out.
“Guys, can you stop hitting women and kids? People are realizing I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.”
It’s a real blow to Carolina’s defense, and leaves the Steelers poised to exploit. Ben Rothlisberger is always a threat, and Running Back team Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount have been blazing it up.
Seen here, demonstrating the proper way to line up for a running play.
Even so, if Cam Newton’s offense can control the pacing of the game, they’re likely to punch holes in Pittsburgh’s struggling defense and send them home with a 1-2 record.
PANTHERS
BMK: Last week I picked the Steelers. I was sure – SURE! – that they would beat the Ravens, whom I was sure – SURE! – would be distracted and forlorn over the Ray Rice flap. These kinds of set-backs are why I have self-confidence issues. Anyway, the Steelers are reeling now, and they’ve almost tied me for defensive take-aways the last couple of weeks, so I’m dropping them this week. As will the Panthers.
PANTHERS
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BEARS at JETS
D.T.: A deceptively-interesting match-up to finish out the week. The Jets currently the sport the best running defense in the league, while Matt Forte has been held at 3.5 yards per carry on average. The Jets have the advantage here with Chris Ivory and Chris Johnson splitting touches to highly effective results. On the other hand, Jay Cutler is throwing incredibly well, and four of his receivers are already above 100 yards passing, each. They proved how much of a force their offense can be against San Francisco. If they can get Forte involved, and avoid any defensive confusion from offensive trick plays, they could really give Geno and the Jets a run for their money.
BEARS
BMK: Last week, the coaches lost it for the Jets. Rex Ryan needs to put his foot down and stomp out his staff’s incompetence before their season is lost. His coaches need to toe the line. By the way, did you see Rex Ryan’s post-game conference where he states he has no idea who called the time out that nullified a TD? It was a real foot-in-mouth moment.
Yes, this is being written by a 12 year-old, why?
BEARS
We clearly have no idea what we’re doing…
This post was written to Spotify’s Beats To Think To Playlist. Yeah, so what if I like techno…
Week 2 Football Picks for CHUD. Sort of…
D.T.: Week One of the 2014 NFL season is now in the books. Like Jacksonville’s head-scratching pull head in the first half of their match-up with Philly, or Knowshon Moreno making Tom Brady cry into his towel, parts of the week left us amazed, thrilled and reminded us why we fight to survive the seven months of off-season. Other parts of the first week surprised no one at all, like Roger Goodell revealing yet again how incompetent he is. It’s going to be a weird, exciting, unpredictable season and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
B.Michael: Yeah, pretty much. The one thing I’ll add is the patented NFL overreaction is happening on schedule. No one should be surprised that that Seattle beat Green Bay, or that the 49ers beat Dallas. Defense has never been Green Bay’s strength and what they’re really good at – throwing the ball like crazy – is nullified by Seattle’s lock-down secondary. Seattle winning does not mean they’ll repeat this year. Same applies to the 49ers. They beat Dallas, who will likely have one of, if not the, worst defenses in the league. Everyone needs to calm down.
Except the fans in Pittsburgh. Apparently they hanged Manziel in effigy before the Browns/Steelers game. That’s awesome. I’ve never been prouder to be a former resident of Pittsburgh.
STEELERS AT RAVENS
D.T.: The Steelers head out to Baltimore for their second divisional rival game in as many weeks. They nearly blew it last week against Cleveland, letting Hoyer command the Browns towards closing the 24 point gap they created at half time, and quell demands for Manziel’s debut. Rothlisberger looked sharp, and showed he’s still able to put it in the hole from deep. Just keep it consensual and of age, Ben. I see the Steelers coming in hungry for that first win, and the Ravens continuing to be distracted by the controversy plaguing their locker room.
Referring, of course, to Poe’s racy leaked selfies.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m not sold on Pittsburgh yet. That said, I the Ravens are coming off of a short week and, um, a lot of other distractions. So I’m going with Pittsburgh too.
PS: If any of the Ravens players claim they’re playing this one for Janay, I’m taking a shotgun to the nearest road sign.
STEELERS
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DOLPHINS AT BILLS
D.T.: Both teams surprised everyone last week, defeating their favored opponents, and the latter pissing off 80% of survivor pool players. Tom Brady out-threw Ryan Tannehill in every area except the one that counts most, while Knowshon Moreno was a revelation, showing no fear as he marched through enemy territory. In Chicago, Running Back Fred Jackson was the hero as he stomped his way to the one yard line, and allowed for a game-winning field goal that left Bills fans with more hope than they’ve had in ages. I see the Dolphins capitalizing more on their week one victory, and riding high in a second against against the Bills
DOLPHINS
BMK: Finally these two powerhouses from the AFC East square off. I predict it’ll be bigger than the Rumble in the Jungle, World War 2, and New Coke combined. It’ll also be a victory for Buffalo, since I trust the Bills defense more than Miami’s offense. Sorry DT — YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
BILLS
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JAGUARS AT REDSKINS
D.T.: The Redskins came into week one even more of a mess than most expected. Like I predicted, all Houston really needed to do was what they do best, and contain Washington’s failing offense long enough for the clock to tick down. The Jaguars showed a strangely-high level of confidence in the first half of their game against the Eagles, but were quickly stomped in a second-half rally and shut-out. Call me crazy, but if the Jaguars can do what they did in that first half against a team not nearly as capable of rallying, they could take it. I’m taking the risky pick and going with Jax.
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m with you picking the Jaguars here. I, like most thinking people, was impressed with what they did against the Eagles. I don’t think Washington has it in them to rally if they get behind. My guess is that they will, and RGIII’s post-game Subway Sub will be eaten fresh…fresh with his tears.
JAGUARS
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COWBOYS AT TITANS
D.T.: Yet another shocker, as the Titans took down an unfocused Alex Smith and strangely absent Jamaal Charles. Was it the Titans’ game to win, or the Chiefs’ to lose? Either way, I expect the Tennessee offense who had little trouble dismantling the highly-favored Kansas City defense holding down the fort and doing the same thing to a nearly non-existent secondary visiting from Dallas. Maybe we’ll get to see another Dez Bryant meltdown.
You kinda feel sorry for them…
…and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.
TITANS
BMK: Ugh, the Cowboys. Despite how bad they are, they might actually be the second best team in the NFC East. Hopefully Romo will get over his desire to throw passes to the other team’s defensive players, but I doubt it. With their defense being a complete mess they’ll get behind early and then Romo will start throwing passes like underwear at a Ted Nugent concert: off-target and reeking of desperation.
Yeah, I don’t get it either, but I you to think of the Nuge and reeking old lady underwear. So there’s that.
TITANS
CARDINALS AT GIANTS
D.T.: Is it still considered a homer pick if there’s very little chance of your team losing? The Lions had the Giants defeated and discouraged in the 1st quarter of their week one meeting, and I just don’t think New York has an answer for what Arizona will bring. Yes, we got lucky with a one point win on Monday night, but our defense held steady against a Chargers team being called a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but Carson Palmer looked creative and inventive (two things we haven’t been able to call Eli Manning in a long time), throwing to 11 different receivers — and all of them on his team!
CARDINALS
BMK: I was at that game and I saw a lot to like about the Cardinals. But I am very concerned about their defensive front seven and Eli Manning has a habit of winning when he shouldn’t. Plus this game is on the east coast, where is has been habitually difficult for west coast teams to win.
As we established last week, God hates me. I want to pick the Cards but this has trap game written all over it. I’m taking the Giants.
GIANTS
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PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS
D.T.: The Patriots are coming to Minnesota with the sting of losing a season opener to a divisional rival. The Vikings invite them in after completely blowing out a broken St. Louis squad. I say the anger of being embarrassed outweighs the satisfaction and drive from stomping out a hurting team. Patriots will double their efforts and secure a 1-1 record in week 2. And I think Gronk will live to fight another day.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Week 1’s result was embarrassing for our heroes Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. I have it on good authority Tom cried himself to sleep last Sunday night…on a bed stuffed with Clevelands and being comforted by a supermodel. In short, being Tom Brady doesn’t suck, but we knew that.
This week Belichick and Brady will come up with a way to ice the Vikings. I believe in Belichick. But I also believed in Harvey Dent, sooo…
PATRIOTS
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SAINTS AT BROWNS
D.T.: Both teams came out of the first week with narrow losses in their division, and left both teams with the lowest defense rankings in the league. Both will be looking to prove a point, and one of them has a serious shot of looking absolutely foolish in the process. The Saints offense outranks the Browns in every way (at least until Josh Gordon is probably, maybe, most likely reinstated and can give up his career as a car salesman), and I expect them to dish out the sort of victory we grew accustomed to seeing from them in 2013. The Brows are a scrappy team, and coming from nothing with something big to prove. I kind of hope they do (and I hope Hoyer can keep demands for Manziel at bay), but I don’t think they’ll start to do that until week 3.
They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints are going to march in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!!??) to Cleveland and dismantle the Browns. If Hoyer starts really screwing up, watch for Johnny to come marching in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!??) and take over. And promptly be destroyed by Rob Ryan and his lovely silver locks.
SAINTS
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FALCONS AT BENGALS
D.T.: The Falcon’s narrow victory over their hated New Orleans rival landed them the top spot in league offensive rankings. Matty Ice reminded us of his reputation for being clutch in tight situations, and out threw Breesus, King of the Drews, 3-1 in touchdowns and by a margin of over 110 passing yards. Their week 2 match-up in Cincinnati might prove to be one of the more intense and interesting, as they take on Andy Dalton and A.J. Green’s pairing, capable of such feats as a 77 yard touchdown pass in fourth quarter situations. It’ll be an offensive shoot out to the end, and I see Matt Ryan out throwing Andy Dalton, even on his home turf.
FALCONS
BMK: Really DT, Breesus, King of the Drews? Oi vey that’s bad…But I can’t disagree with your analysis.
FALCONS
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LIONS AT PANTHERS
D.T.: A cats game! The Panthers have guaranteed the return of Cam Newton in the second week, which should help them build from the momentum of last week’s victory over the Buccaneers. I’m intrigued to see the chemistry between Kelvin Benjamin and his starting quarterback, after looking like a stud in week one with back-up Derek Anderson. Kelvin and TE Greg Olsen both look to be the weapons Cam needs for Carolina’s chance at success this season. The Lions were off to a fantastic start, with Matthew Stafford’s chemistry with unstoppable wide receiver Calvin Johnson setting the tone very quickly against the Giants last week. Will they be able to work that type of magic against the Panthers’ dominant defense? Maybe not to such a dazzling degree, but I think so.
LIONS
BMK: Cam coming back is good news…I guess. But I expect the Lions to win here. They looked pretty damn good last week against the Giants. And while the Panthers are a better team than the Giants, I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference.
And yeah, that bit of analysis came after I couldn’t come up with a pun that involved the word pussy that wasn’t base. You’re welcome.
LIONS
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RAMS AT BUCCANEERS
D.T.: It’s tough to view the Rams’ performance last week and maintain any sort of optimism or neutrality about their chances against Tampa Bay. Resorting to a third-string quarterback in the first half of the first game of the season, the Rams just looked lost and confused. Vikings’ rookie Running Back Cordarelle Patterson had himself a day, walking on the backs of the Rams to three touchdowns in his regular season debut, the latter of whom could only meekly answer with a pair of field goals. Tampa had their share of disappointments in week one as well, watching star Running Back (are we still calling him a star at this point?) Doug Martin terrify fans yet again by leaving the field with a quad injury, after earning a barely-worth-mentioning 9 yards rushing. Still the Rams are painfully vulnerable, and the Bucs may be poised to exploit that and earn their first W.
She only looks happy because she’s paid very little to do so.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: DT goes the extra mile here and actually offers analysis, but c’mon…it’s the Rams behind Shaun Hill. Possibly behind the dude not good enough to supplant Shaun Hill or for me to Google.
BUCCANEERS
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SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS
D.T.: I really only have two predictions for this game: the Seahawks will win, and Phillip Rivers will have another temper tantrum. Even though it pains me to type this next word in all caps…
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Prediction?
Pain…
SEAHAWKS
—–
TEXANS AT RAIDERS
D.T.: The only thing keeping the Raiders’ season interesting this early on is the fact that they’re playing opponents they have an ice cube’s chance in hell of beating.
Get it? Because I said “ice cube” in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that’s comedy.
Quarterback Derek Carr showed some promise, despite the Raiders being dominated by the Jets. If he can keep that focus and not be intimidated by the inevitability of J.J. Watt firmly yet tenderly putting him to bed — oh, what am I saying? It’s the Texans. The Texans will win.
TEXANS
BMK: The only hope the Raiders have here is if the Texans players take BART to the Coliseum and are stabbed on their way through the parking lot. Other than that…
TEXANS
—–
JETS AT PACKERS
D.T.: This one might actually be more interesting than people expect. Chris Johnson is a dangerous addition to the Jets running game, against a team known for their poor rushing defense. If Geno can work some magic in the air while Johnson and Ivory hold the ground game, the Jets could actually have a shot here. Still, the Pack needs to save face after the terrible loss they were handed by the last team to come over for a visit. I think I have to go with the safe choice and call on the Packers to win it. But I still really think this could be one of the more interesting Sunday games.
PACKERS
BMK: I was surprised at how well the Jets ran the ball last week. But the Jets secondary are the Oakland Raiders of secondaries. Rodgers will carve them up faster than Fat Rex used to carve up a ham.
—–
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS
D.T.: Denver’s first divisional match-up comes up as a home game against a rival that fell apart in week one. The last time these two teams crossed paths was in noisy Arrowhead Stadium against a Kansas City team running at full steam. Playing at home against the Broncos is a very different environment, however — just as the Colts, as they were dealt a defeat as revenge for what happened the last time they hosted Denver. If Alex Smith can get his head on straight and the Chiefs can get Jamaal Charles involved, they’ll become a force yet again. But Denver is looking to secure the comfort of a 2-0 record while they’re at home, and I don’t think Peyton will settle for anything less.
BRONCOS
BMK: It’s the regular season, so Peyton’s going to win. It’s just that simple. This year, he’s a man on a mission. When the playoffs come around though…
Bryan felt bad about his “analysis” for this game, but she thinks he’s tops.
—–
BEARS at 49ERS
D.T.: The 49ers offense had their way with Dallas last week, while the Bears defense couldn’t quite contain the Bills’ middling offense. In a clear-cut case of offense versus defense, I see the Bears giving it their all, but falling short of stopping a San Francisco offense that’s squirrely and hard to get a lock on. Measuring defense versus defense, the 49ers sacked Romo three times and enjoyed four forced turn-overs, while Chicago’s defense gave up nearly 200 rushing yards against the Bills running game. Advantage going into week two, and a win? It’s the 49ers.
49ERS
BMK: Last week, I expected the 49ers to win. They’re not a bad team by any stretch and even though I think Kaepernick is a tool, he plays behind a great offensive line and Dallas is a bad team, so he did his normal Kaepernick thing (medium range throws, 200 yards). I’m hoping that Chicago will actually give the 49ers a challenge. But as I stated before: God hates me.
49e…..ugh…I just can’t.
—–
EAGLES AT COLTS
D.T.: Wrapping up the week is a true Monday night shootout between Nick Foles and Andrew Luck. The Eagles might have an advantage with LeSean McCoy leading their rushing game against an Indy defense that allowed first-time starter Monte Ball over 60 yards and a touchdown. They’ll have significantly higher difficulty in containing Shady, but may get lucky if Nick Foles continues his streak of turnovers. It’ll be an exciting end to the week, seeing both teams try to systematically pick at each others weaknesses. Even though they have a running game that Bryan and I could fill in for and probably gain more yards, I have an inkling that Luck with lead the team to a win in the comfort of Lucas Oil Stadium.
COLTS
BMK: I’m picking the Colts here as well since they’re at home. Henne dropped nearly 300 yards and 2 TDs on the Eagles in week 1, so I’m pretty sure Luck will have no problem handling the Eagles defense.
COLTS
Note: This post was assembled listening the the Dandy Warhols’s first record. Bryan was surprised at its quality. Check it out.
CHUD.COM Football Picks Article
Hi All..
In theory, me and my buddy, the incomparable DT, are supposed to be doing a weekly Pro Football Pick ’em column over at CHUD.com. I say in theory because, at this point, neither DT nor I have the requisite permissions to post over there yet. I’m confident that will happen sometime. Hopefully before the 2015 NFL season. If it doesn’t, well, the column will run here.
And now…the picks…
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
Packers at Seattle
Bryan: Going with Seattle at this one. They’re at home and Green Bay’s defense has more holes than in it than Prometheus’s plot.
SEATTLE
D.T.: The Packers did made some moves to improve their secondary, signing ex-Bear Julius Peppers, and picking up Ha Ha Clinton-Dix in the draft. However, finishing 2013 as 28th in rushing defense and 24th in pass defense is still a hell of a hole to claw their way out of. And like you mentioned… they’re playing in CenturyLink Field. I expect the game to be close, but I see the ‘Hawks coming out ahead.
SEATTLE
—-
Bills at Bears
Bryan: I’m taking the Bears here. The Bills haven’t done anything in the off-season to warrant any faith. And they’re on the road.
BEARS
D.T.: The Bills made some strides, man! They drafted Sammy Watkins, who has been magical in practice, and looks to be a stud. The did lose Jairus Byrd and huge chunk of their defensive confidence right along with him. I think he Bills might show some flashes of greatness this season, but I agree that it probably won’t start here.
BEARS
—–
Browns at Steelers
Bryan: The countdown to Manziel starting begins here. And it will begin with a Browns loss.
STEELERS
D.T.: We’re going to see Manziel by the time Cleveland’s bye week rolls around, but not for any fault of Hoyer’s. Cleveland’s tight end Jordan Cameron is limited by injury, and their star wide receiver is limited by not evolving beyond the human need for oxygen, and cannot hold his breath while other people smoke marijuana around him. Allegedly. Pittsburgh’s running game is completely defunct for similar reasons, which leaves two broken teams to battle it out in what may turn out to be the most tedious game of week one. Still, it’s a divisional match-up and it’s the season opener. For that reason, I’m giving it to the home team.
STEELERS
—–
Jaguars at Eagles
Bryan: Really? Eagles.
EAGLES
D.T.: Remember when I said the Browns/Steelers game could be the most tedious of the week? That’s still true. But this might be the most one-sided. The Jaguars going out to visit the Eagles is like having your slow-witted friend over to play Mario Kart, and handing him the MadCatz controller with the permanently-stuck B button. If Foles were to start taking a knee in the 3rd quarter, would that be arrogant, or merciful?
EAGLES
—–
Patriots at Dolphins
Bryan: HOW WILL BELICHICK AND BRADY HANDLE THE FOOTBALL JUGGERNAUT THAT IS THE 2014 MIAMI DOLPHINS AND RYAN TANNEHILL!!!??!!!
Quite well, thank you for asking.
PATRIOTS
D.T.: Bryan, they’re going to handle Brady-Chick by… uh… I got nothin’. The Patriots having Gronkowski back, which will set their offense on fire, and their defense has been bolstered by Darrelle Revis and “The Scariest Man in College Football”, Dominique Easley. They’re looking stacked, and the most the ‘Fins were able to muster is the addition of Branden Albert to their abysmal offensive line. It’s the Patriots.
PATRIOTS
—–
Saints at Falcons
Bryan: I’m expecting a lot of offense here, with Julio Jones and Roddy White back again. But I have my doubts about Ryan in the red zone without Mr. Gonzalez. So I’ll go with the Saints.
SAINTS
D.T.: A bitter divisional rivalry between a dominant team that keeps improving, and an opponent that continues to slip. The Saints are in peak form on both sides of the ball, while Matt Ryan has to conduct an average passing game and an inconsistent running game from behind an offensive line that (judging from last season’s effort) might actually want him dead. The Saints are going to parade through the division, tossing beads as the other three teams lift their tops. Atlanta is the first stop.
SAINTS
—–
Panthers at Buccaneers
Bryan: The Panthers might be without Cam Newton this game. Which is fine, because the Panthers have no one to throw to anyway. That said, the Buccaneers offensive line is leaky and Luke Kuechly is a beast. This is the kind of game that makes me glad I’m not picking scores. This could end up being a 9-6 barn burner.
PANTHERS
D.T.: I think Cam will show up for work, and he’s got an interesting new tool in Kelvin Benjamin. The kid is massive, and may be the best rookie Wide Receiver this season. I mean, look at him:
This reporter is sitting on DeAngelo Williams’ shoulders.
And Greg Olsen is more than capable of taking on his share of receptions. Losing their entire receiving corp is a huge blow, but Carolina is a scrappy team and able to put plays together, and their Kuechly/Hardy powered defense is enough to contain the Bucs. I see them winning in a close game.
PANTHERS
—–
Colts at Broncos
Bryan: Remember that scene in Rocky V when that thinly veiled Don King dude is going off about the “YOUNG LION VERSUS OLD LION!” That’s this game. Except without the fine acting from Mr. Tommy Gunn.
Seriously, I’d take the Colts, but this is the regular season. You know, where Peyton excels.
BRONCOS
D.T.: We’re on the same page here, for sure. Even with Wes Welker suspended, the Broncos offense is still a powerhouse, and their defense is back to full strength (possibly even better with the addition of DeMarcus Ware from Dallas). Manning has something to prove in a fresh match-up against Luck, free of Jim Irsay’s psychological warfare. Expect a fierce offensive shoot out with some surprises from both defenses, but an eventual Broncos victory.
BRONCOS
—–
Bengals at Ravens
Bryan: I’m going with the Bengals. Because I like tigers. And I have to pick someone here.
BENGALS
D.T.: Cincinnati’s passing game and defense are superior to Baltimore’s, while both sport average running games. However, the Bengals’ red zone production gives them the edge, and I think they’ll do some scoring when it matters. They’ll give the Ravens a run for their money. Really though, let’s move on. Preferably to more Cheerleaders.
BENGALS
This year’s cheerleader handbook includes Ray Rice safety tips.
—–
Redskins at Texans
Bryan: JJ Watt will be in a good mood after signing his mega deal and Clowney will want to show everyone why he was a number one pick. Bad news for RGII and RGIII.
That said I’m still picking the Redskins, since offensively the Texans stink. I expect Kirk Cousins to have a big day here.
REDSKINS
D.T.: You’re expecting Cousins to make an appearance as early as week one? I think their offense is going to struggle even with DeSean Jackson catching passes — however, I think Head Coach Jay Gruden and General Manager Bruce Allen are shackled to RGIII, for better or worse. Going against the Texans’ defense, however, I don’t see a bright end to their first week. Washington is a ripe target for a Watt/Clowney debut and I see the Houston defense containing this game.
TEXANS
—–
Titans at Chiefs
Bryan: I’m not sure the Titans are up for this. I expect the Chiefs to take a step back this year, but not here.
D.T.: The Titans are good in the trenches, but the Chiefs will put them to the test, everywhere else. A far better passing game, a running game they can’t match up with, and a stadium that will down out communication will dismantle the Titans in week one, and score the Chiefs and opening day victory by a significant margin.
CHIEFS
—–
Vikings at Rams
Bryan: Adrian Peterson plus no Sam Bradford equals a loss for the Rams.
VIKINGS
D.T.: I personally cannot wait to see what sort of team Minnesota grows into after the first few weeks. They’re one team where I see great potential and some exciting twists and turns in their 2014 storyline. However, I think week one will be formulaic and safe. The Vikings offense will go through the motions and the Rams defense will push back. And while the Rams’ offense suffered a huge blow in the loss of Sam Bradford, I honestly think it was more of a shot to their morale than their offensive production. Shaun Hill is just as serviceable as Sam Bradford; the difference being that Hill may have peaked, while Bradford may – at this point – never reach his full potential. Still, I expect the Rams to take a victory here by a small gap.
RAMS
—–
Raiders at Jets
Bryan: Here’s a graphical representation of this game…
JETS…I guess.
D.T.: Totally the Jets. Chris Johnson and Eric Decker should beef up their offense and Geno Smith should come in with loads more confidence this season. Their defense will be shredded in weeks to come, but week one will serve as a nice warm-up against a team who seems to be perpetually cleaning the slate with gasoline and fire.
JETS
—–
49ers at Cowboys
Bryan: This game vexes me. On one hand, I really want the 49ers to lose, since I hate that team and everything they stand for. However, that means the Cowboys will win, and I’ve detested them longer than the 49ers.
If this game ends in a tie, I’ll know that God loves me. But since he doesn’t…
49ers.
D.T.: The Cowboys’ defense was a joke last season, and they’ve somehow managed to lose all of it’s best and most relevant parts coming into 2014. The 49ers just had their best pass-rusher sidelined with suspension, so that leaves both quarterbacks a little more at ease and able to move the ball around. It’s going to be San Fransisco by a margin, though: their offense is just too good for their opponents’ absolutely terrible secondary.
49ers.
—–
Giants at Lions
Bryan: The Giants offensive line hasn’t gotten any better. But we’ve been saying that for years now. This time though Suh is playing, and he’s an angry man that likes hurting people.
LIONS
D.T.: Like all of the NFC West, the Lions lack in pass defense and rushing. While I agree that Eli’s offensive line is still complete crap, I don’t think he’ll be fleeing for his life. However, I also think that the Giants are in a strange transitional time (hopefully transitioning out of being an embarrassment), and they’re going to be a mess for at least a little while longer. Their secondary might be decent, but I don’t think they’ll pull it together to slow down the one-two combo that Matt Stafford now has in Megatron and Golden Tate.
LIONS
—–
Chargers at Cardinals
Bryan: This is one is harder to pick than you would assume. See, normally I’d pick the Cards and feel pretty good about it. But here’s the kicker: I’m flying out to see this game. And it’s my first time being in the new Cardinals stadium, after being a season ticket holder from 98-2000. So Chargers will win in a rout.
CHARGERS
D.T.: No way, dude. The Cardinals may have lost key elements of their 2013 secondary, but they’ve made big strides to plug up the holes. Plus, their offense is loaded with receiver talent and a QB that (while still inconsistent) is much more comfortable in Coach Bruce Arians’s tricky offense. Chargers Quarterback and Resident Bolo Tie Enthusiast, Phillip Rivers, will keep with his amazing momentum from last season, but Arizona is a team that’s coming into this season hungry, charged with a dynamic new roster, and looking to set an immediate tone for 2014. As long as they can keep turnovers in check, I see the Cardinals winning in a spirited victory.
CARDINALS
It Aint So Good to be The King
(For the past two decades of my life, I’ve participated, with varying levels of commitment, at both the Arizona and Southern/Northern California Renaissance Faires. Every now and again, I’ll chronicle some of the stories here. It’ll be sort of like Get in the Van but lamer. Please note: the names have been changed to protect all parties.)
A quick note before the piece. I wrote this piece for a writing class I was in last summer, during the creative non-fiction unit. So it’s a little more…creative non-fictiony than other postings here. Anyway, I really like it and I hope you do too.
It Aint So Good to be the King
“If you shoot at a king you must kill him.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
We were two cases of beer into our evening when we decided to go see the new joust arena at the other end of the faire. My friend Pablo – an authentic Englishman in an otherwise inauthentic renaissance faire – said to me, “C’mon Krol. It’ll be fun.” I told him I didn’t feel like walking anywhere. He said not to worry and pointed over a short, pasty white guy with kinky and frizzy hair. “Harry’s going to drive.”
I shrugged. “Sounds good to me,” I said. Acquiescing to Pablo is easier than fighting sometimes.
Harry got into the front cab of his run down generic late model Toyota truck and me, Pablo, and this gangly silent fuck named Zeke got into the back. Harry started the truck and red brake lights lit up our desert camp, bathing everything in an angry red light. I heard an incredulous voice behind me.
“Bryan…are you sure about this?”
I craned my neck to see Cassandra, my girlfriend, behind me. She was standing in the brake light’s crimson glow, arms crossed, with one eyebrow raised slightly and a borderline scowl on her face. Cassandra led the dance team I was part of at the Arizona Renaissance Festival. Before that, she was into stage combat and fighting. She was short, powerfully built, and intimidating. She had half band neck tattoo and facial piercings back in 1991, a time when an NBA star dying his hair green was considered out of control.
“Probably not,” I said, half-smiling.
Cassandra slowly nodded, taking in my words.
“He’ll be fine Cassandra!” Pablo said. “Let the boy live a little!”
“Boy! I see no boy here!” I said. Feigning masculinity was my second hobby in those days.
“Come on, let’s go!” Harry leaned out the driver’s side window and slammed his hand against the door.
“Gotta go,” I said to Cassandra. She looked at me with tired and sad eyes and smiled weakly.
“I’ll see you back at the tent,” she turned and walked back towards the camp where the other members of her dance team congregated.
Harry tore off into the desert.
Back in the mid-90s, the faire felt more remote. The housing boom hadn’t happened, which would push tasteless cookie-cutter tract homes outward from Mesa into Apache Junction and up the slopes of the Superstition Mountains, polluting the night with orange glow from high-pressure sodium lights. Back then, after the faire closed and when the campfires were out, you could look up and see long bands of star clusters, millions of tiny pinprick lights set in the blackness. One night I saw satellites moving across the sky – it was that clear and dark. Now when you’re out there at night, when everything is still and serene, you look and you see an orb or orange light cast from the Phoenix metro area, obscuring all the tiny lights and details. It looks like a wall of fire is coming towards you.
As Harry sped through the dark on the makeshift roads behind the faire, I thought of Cassandra. I first saw her at a faire workshop. She wore a white shirt, purple velvet breeches, and black leather fighting gloves. She was 8 years my senior and carried herself like the world was her playground. She was dating Gerald at the time. Gerald was older than her and worked hard to redefine the word arrogance every chance he got.
Driving on the dirt road kicked up rocks and dust. The tires on the gravel sounded like a blender chopping nuts and the air was chilly. Other pleasant memories came to me as Harry drove fast to the arena. Me joining her dance team; our aborted attempt to see Rocket from the Crypt on their famous Free Charity tour; her buying bourbon for me and my friends at Christmas; sitting by my parents pool, drinking wine; our first kiss. None of these memories were recent.
We arrived at the new joust arena and jumped out of the truck. Zeke and Harry were making noise until Pablo, the alpha male, quieted them. There were roving security guards on the site at night and we wanted to avoid them.
The arena was huge, almost the size of a high school football stadium. The stands were constructed out of wood, metal and concrete. They looked sturdy and powerful, unlike the past arena, which was rented stadium seating. This arena had staying power. There was also a viewing box for the Royal Court to sit above the plebes in the stands.
The Royal Court included “King Henry.” King Henry was played by this bodybuilder and artist named Jerry. Jerry was a celebrity around the faire because he came from Minnesota (where most of the upper echelon management came from) and played the King. His costume lent him some kind of authority that other people obeyed and loved. It was like the role he played became real because of the clothes he wore. The renaissance faire is like the Stanford Prison Experiment in that regard.
Jerry was also a guy that called me a “stupid asshole” once backstage.
“I want to check out the King’s balcony,” I said.
No one knew how to get up there, but since it was on the second story we looked for stairs. Finding them took an embarrassing length of time.
“So what’s up with you and Cassandra?” Pablo asked.
I shrugged. “You know how she is.”
“Yes I do, that’s why we’re not dating anymore, Bry.”
Harry found the stairs and he and Zeke started up them, giggling like lunatics on nitrous oxide. Pablo and I followed.
Pablo kept talking as we walked up the stairs. “You’ve been down lately man. I don’t like seeing it.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that. We’re going through some tough times now. It’s no big deal.”
“I don’t know about that. You haven’t been yourself lately.” Pablo said.
“I know. But there’s nothing I can do. It’s all on her and how she feels about things.”
We got to the top of the stairs and Pablo gave me a sympathetic smile. “Just be good to yourself, mate.”
The viewing booth was nondescript. Just a wooden box set over the arena with a few pieces of decorative finery. There were also two thrones up on a small dais at the end of the booth. One was clearly for the king. I went over and examined where Jerry was going to sit during the next day’s jousts.
Cassandra got along great with the Royal Court. The Mayor’s court too. Both groups considered me an obnoxious jerk. I considered them humorless dickheads that had unjustifiably high self-esteem for a bunch of former SCA fucks.
Harry and Zeke stood towards the edge of the balcony. Pablo stood next to me and regarded the thrones with me.
“You’re right,” I said. “It’s just – she has all the power here. If she wants to dump me, she will. There’s nothing I can do about that.”
Pablo nodded.
“It’s hard being out here,” I said. “Unless people want to fuck you, you got no power. You’re nothing.”
“Cassandra wants you,” Pablo said.
“For the time being.”
Staring at the King’s throne, I thought back to a few years before, to me and Jerry’s exchange backstage.
I was talking about an altercation between my friend and two hack performers from Minnesota. One of them, a singing executioner, got in her face about how she was attracting an audience for our stage acts. That was our job. We were supposed to get an audience to come see the shows at the stage we were assigned to. It’s called hawking. In this instance, one of the Singing Executioners, whose act was about as funny as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, didn’t like what she was doing and got in her face about it. She was a strong girl, but an adult giving her a hard time for doing her job shook her up a little. After it happened, I was backstage telling my friend Hansen about it. Jerry butted in, and said: “Well, maybe if you weren’t such a stupid asshole, these things wouldn’t happen.”
My face felt like something white hot was burning it. Scowling, I pictured Jerry. His skin was a dark tan from all the sun and his beard was still a dusky brown. Then I pictured his smug smile and his fawning admirers. My friend Eddy, who was in the Royal Court a couple of years prior, told me how funny Jerry was, and how charming he was. Cassandra told me that too. She was always pointing out the positive qualities in people that thought I was contemptible and hideous.
I felt my upper lip start to tremble into a sneer.
Then an idea came to me that was so sophisticated, so urbane, so sublime I was dumbfounded.
“I’m going to piss on the King’s throne,” I said.
“What?” Pablo said. Harry perked up and laughed. Zeke looked at me with dull eyes and sort of smiled.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding my head with added determination. I turned to Pablo and smiled. “I’m going to piss on the King’s throne.”
I stepped up to the dais and prepared to hose down the throne. I undid my pants and noticed that there was a foam cushion on the seat. Good. The urine will soak in and smell. While I peed, Harry cheered. And as my stinking yellow piss drained all over the throne, I imagined Jerry’s face scrunched up as he sat there the next day, wondering where that smell came from. A strong feeling rose in my chest and I stood up a bit straighter. I felt the kind of satisfaction that only comes with seeing your adversary trampled down by rabid bulls running in the streets.
“Who’s next?” I asked, zipping up.
Harry was next. He giggled and said, “This is awesome!” as he urinated.
“Pablo?” I said.
“All right Bry. I’ll do it.” Pablo paid tribute to the King and afterwards Zeke did. At least I think he did. That guy was like a big lump of tofu carved into a human body. The Easy Bake Oven generated more candlepower than Zeke’s brain on his best day.
Afterwards we climbed back into Harry’s truck. I had a broad smirk on my face. Pablo saw it and slapped my back. “That’s more like it, Bry.”
When I arrived back at camp everyone was asleep. I walked to the tent Cassandra and I shared and went inside.
As I laid down on our bed of blankets and foam she said to me: “How was your trip?”
“Good,” I said, closing my eyes. “We pissed on the Kings throne.”
“Well that’s mature.”
“I’ve never felt better in my life.”
An Immodest Proposal Pt. 1
As some of you know, I was asked by Above The Law to submit a proposal for a weekly column. Long story short, I did, and it was rejected.
If you don’t know the website, Above the Law (ATL) covers rumors, gossip, and news, related to law schools and law firms, with a focus on Big Law. Since I do not work in Big Law and did not go to either Harvard or Yale, I was hard pressed to come up with a feature column that could be done on a weekly basis. Also, to be frank, I didn’t want to pander and I wanted to write a column that I liked about subjects I cared about. Frankly, I could give a fuck if Moe, Larry, and Shemp gave their associates spring bonuses or not, and I couldn’t care less if New York ever gets to 190. ATL handles those kinds of stories quite well and their readership seems to enjoy it. I just have nothing to add on those kinds of subjects.
This one hurt..
So I came up with an idea for a column that took works of pop culture and analyzed the legal issues that those works contained. I reasoned that, once you become a lawyer (or, at least go to law school), you look at the world in a different way. For instance, is Spider Man a state actor? For 95% of the population, it doesn’t matter. But to the 5% that it does, they’d know if he is a state actor, all the criminals he caught will probably go free due to his “irregularities” in gathering evidence. My column was going to examine issues like that.
Anyway, like I wrote at the beginning, ATL didn’t like my proposal and rejected it. But I liked my sample column and proposal, so I decided to publish them here, in this forum. So enjoy!
Pop Law: A Proposal
In Nineteen Eighty-Four, O’Brien tells Winston Smith that “[W]hat happens to you in here is forever.”
Orwell was writing about a torture chamber; he may as well have been talking about law school. After
spending three years in law school, you are not the same and you do not look at the world in the same
way. You are no longer a “reasonable person.” You view almost everything through a legal prism.
Even popular culture, like movies, books, and television shows.
Pop Law will examine the nexus between popular culture and the law, and do so in a humorous and
irreverent way. Specifically, the column will look at legal ramifications of activities depicted in pop
culture, and any interesting behind-the- scenes legal wranglings that involve pop culture. The typical
format will be conversational in tone, but with frequent stylistic departures to keep the readers
interested. For example, instead of dry analysis, the sample column I am sending along with this
proposal is written as a dialogue, satirizing personal injury attorneys and the unnecessary appendices
in The Lord of the Rings.
Typically, there will be two types of columns: analytical and informative. Analytical columns+ will look
at a legal issue presented in some form of media and resolve it, or it will bring up a legal angle not
explored in the original work and analyze it. An example of this would be a column discussing why
Batman is a state actor and Spider-man is not, and the ramifications this has for evidence matters in a
criminal trial.
Informative columns will look at legal issues that already occurred in pop culture and discuss what
happened and their ultimate resolution. Some examples would include the John Fogerty lawsuit
where he was sued by his record label for plagiarizing himself, the Shuster and Siegel lawsuit against
DC Comics over the ownership of Superman and the cocktail napkin that turned out to be a binding
contract between The Black Crowes and their former “manager.”
Some of these columns would need to be multi-part as the subject matter is too complicated to fit into
a single 600-1000 word column. However, these columns will not be law review material. The
analysis will be solid but it will not be in-depth. The tone will be more in the “quick and dirty” vein than
the normal, “tweed jackets and elbow patches” vein of scholarly thought.
And this is by design. Traditionally, Above the Law covers many serious issues that attorneys face
practicing law today, like enormous student loan debt and dwindling career prospects, and does so
with a fair amount of humor. But that humor is mostly gallows humor. And while that approach is
completely valid, it leaves some room for lighter subject matter and approaches. Pop Law can be a
venue for that.
Furthermore, attorneys have other interests besides the law. Younger attorneys are especially
interested in pop and geek cultures. By discussing those interests in a legal prism, Pop Law could
bring readers to Above the Law who might not read the site normally. For example, an attorney
working in mid-law probably does not care about whether Cravath will issue spring bonuses or
whether New York goes to 190, but if he had just seen the Hobbit, he might be interested in reading
about Bilbo’s contract in the movie.
As attorneys, we are trained to see the legal angles to everything. That kind of thinking can lead to
great success and wealth. It can also lead to a three hour heated discussion on whether or not Buffy
would be liable for blowing up Sunnydale at the end of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer television series.
These conversations happen all the time amongst attorneys. Let’s open those discussions on Above
the Law and have some fun.
An Immodest Proposal Pt 2.: The Column
Here is the sample column I sent to Above the Law. You can read about that in the previous post.
Pop Law: Frodo and the Attorney of Personal Injury
Editor’s Note: The following appears as Appendix B12.8 in the forthcoming re-issue of Return of the King,
and is reprinted with the generous permission of the Tolkien estate.
Frodo: Thank you for fitting me into your busy schedule Mr. Hermwyn. I know this was short-notice.
Hermwyn: No problem Frodo. Who am I to refuse a meeting with the Hobbit that saved Middle-Earth?
Frodo: You’re too kind. I had a lot of help along the way. And, if anything, it was Gollum that saved
Mouth of Sauron? More like Mouthpiece of Sauron, amirite???
Middle-Earth by being such an enormous douche and falling into Mt. Doom.
Hermwyn: That is true. So — what can I help you with today?
Frodo: Well, I want to explore what my options are to sue Sauron for the injuries I received when I was in
Mordor. Specifically, when his giant spider Shelob stung me.
Hermwyn: Hmmm…I see.
Frodo: The way I see it, Sauron should’ve known that Shelob would do something like that. I mean, she’s a
giant spider after all. They tend to sting people and drink their blood. What do you think?
Hermwyn: Frodo, this is a difficult question.
Frodo: Really? I talked to Eremong over in Minas Tirith before talking to you and he thinks I have a case.
Hermwyn: Well, you do, it’s just…
Frodo: What? I want my money!
Hermwyn: Okay kid, let me spin this out for you. First, the good news: you do have a case. We can
definitely get Sauron for your injuries since he would be strictly liable for any injuries caused by Shelob.
See, we’ll go to him and say, “Hey, pal, you needed to keep that spider of yours on a leash or something to
keep her from running around and stinging anyone.” He’ll, of course, point out that you were a trespasser
and, therefore, owes you no duty of care whatsoever. We’ll come back and say, “Listen dude, you keep her
there as a guard dog. You know she’s there, you know what she does, and you don’t remove her. Why?
Cause you like having a giant spider watching the Secret Stairs over by Cirith Ungol. And since she’s your
guard dog, you are required to at least post a sign to warn everyone about the danger. And since you did
not, you owe my client for damages for his injuries that Shelob caused.”
Frodo: Sounds good.
Hermyn: Well, sort of. He’ll come back and say that Shelob wasn’t a watch dog but rather a wild animal
that happened to take residence on his land. He may have a point here, since his relationship with Shelob is
ambiguous at best. But I’ll get that orc…uh..what’s his name…the one that found you?
Frodo: Gorbag.
Hermyn: That’s right. We’ll get him to testify that Shelob is Sauron’s guard dog over there. He owes me a
favor anyway. I got him off on an Ag Assault charge years ago. Denethor wanted to toss him in the
dungeon but I took care of it.
Frodo: Well, this all sounds good. Let’s do it! I need me some Sauron money. Those Sackville-Bagginses
are sucking me dry.
Hermyn: Yeah, but here’s the thing kid: you really want to get into a legal pissing contest with the Lord of
the Dark Land? I guarantee you he’ll come at you with destruction of property and trespassing. Plus I’m
hearing all sorts of rumors of Mordor orcs preparing negligence lawsuits against you relating to the
destruction of Barad-Dur. That might end up as a class-action. And Faramir was just in here yesterday
asking about suing you for Boromir’s portion of profits from your book.
Fordo: Faramir?
Hermyn: Yeah, your buddy Faramir wants some of your book dough, pal.
Frodo: I can’t believe it.
Hermyn: Believe it. From what I can see, you’re in for a tough year my friend.
Frodo: Well…what can I do?
Hermyn: You want some advice? Here’s what you do. I’m hearing that, in a few weeks, Gandalf and some
of his elf pals are saying “Peace out” to Middle-Earth and taking a boat across the sea. If you want, I can
make some inquiries and see what it’ll cost to get you on that boat. After that, if you name me your agent, I
can make sure that your book royalties are forwarded to the Undying Lands. From what I understand, suing
someone over in the far green country is costly and time consuming. And maybe this will get the orcs to
drop their lawsuits and give Eowyn enough time to spit out some kids and keep Faramir too busy to sue
anyone.
Frodo: Eowyn. Huh. She’s such a crown-fu****.
Hermyn: Don’t I know it. Who do you think handled Aragorn’s restraining order against her?
Frodo: Good job.
Hermyn: Thanks. So what do you say Kid? Go with plan B?
Frodo: Yeah…that makes the most sense. I need to get out of here anyway. Sam and Rosie are the most
annoying couple anywhere. Top, Middle, or Lower Earth, you name it. They’re irritating.
Hermyn: I bet. Okay, I’ll check with Gandalf and see what I can do about the boat. This really is the best
plan, Frodo. In fact, even if you had a case against Sauron, I’d doubt we could sue him anyway.
Frodo: Why?
Hermwyn: Well, to sue someone, you need to service them with notice. And you just don’t walk into
Mordor and serve Sauron…
Oh Dear God…
Normally I try to keep this blog politics free, but Jesus Fucking Christ, this little bit from Joe Klein over at Time’s Swampland made my head hurt. Check it out:
The left–including the Martha Vineyard and Hamptons liberals who, by all reports, have been kvetching about the President over their Chablis this summer–
Even Benedict hates our media
Seriously? Klein, you pull down a million a year without breaking a sweat. Where the fuck do you vacation — the Bronx? I hate this faux blue collar bullshit from people who’s only exposure to people from the lower tax brackets is limited, at best. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is, as a writer, he’s trucking in one stupid hoary cliche. Really, Klein, what do rich conseratives drink? PBR?
Well, maybe that a-hole from the Coors family…
Ren Faire Memories: Showering You with Affection
(For the past two decades of my life, I’ve participated, with varying levels of commitment, at both the Arizona and Southern/Northern California Renaissance Faires. I’m going to start chronicling some of the stories here. It’ll be sort of like Get in the Van, but lamer. Please note, the names have been changed to protect all parties.)
This is a slight deviation from my last two Ren Faire Memories posts. Here I’ll be discussing a facet of life as a ren faire performer and not a specific event. The topic for this installment are the showers participants have to use out at the faires.
Huzzah!
Here’s the thing about the showers at the Ren Faire: after a day working in the hot sun, you need a good shower. Men can sometimes get away with going a day or so without one, but that varies from person to person, and what costume that man is wearing. Men’s costumes, generally, are lighter and less restrictive. Especially men’s peasant costumes; those usually consist of a shirt, a vest thing, short pants and stockings. If those items are made out of light natural fibers, you can stay cool throughout the day, and you’ll be less disgusting when the day’s over. So, depending on how “outdoorsy” you are, it may not matter at all. However, as you get up towards the top of the food chain, the costumes get heavier and more restrictive. That causes much more sweat and grime to accumulate.
Women’s costumes have the same problem as the royal costumes. Women’s costumes are so layered and restrictive even if they’re made out of natural fibers, they still cause sweat and misery. The run of the mill women’s ren faire costume consists of a tight bodice (a corset like thing) and multiple long skirts. And that’s just the basic costume. Like with the men, it gets worse as you go towards the upper classes. The women’s royal costumes are even more restrictive and painful to wear. Seriously, you have never seen relief until you’ve seen the faces of some of these ladies when they get to loosen their bodices. Probably the only thing that’s comparable to that feeling is being told that the biopsy was negative and the tumor is benign.
Anyway, back to the showers. Each faire has its own management, so the facilities are unique to each faire.
For instance, at that Southern California fair when I would attend there (between the years 1998-1999) they used to bring out shower trailers. These were purpose built trailers with three shower stalls in them, and they weren’t bad. Yes, pools of water would form on the floor, grass and dirt would be smeared on the walls, and occasionally single-sex showers would turn co-ed in the middle of the afternoon, but overall they weren’t bad. You didn’t feel completely violated going into them.
The best shower facilities at any faire I’ve ever worked had to be at the Santa Barbara Ren Faire in 2000. That was the first year that faire was open and it was a small affair. The site itself was on a live oak camp and already had some good infrastructure there.
The showers were made out of concrete and wood. The stalls themselves were built out of wooden slats that sat high above the drains so water never pooled at your feet. There were nice plastic shower curtains, so you never had to shower in front of everyone else. Which is cool cause I don’t want to be sitting on a bench while some dude’s ass is right there in front of me. And I’m sure they feel the same about my rear as well. So it was a win-win.
But, as good as having clean stalls, plentiful hot water, and shower curtains was, that wasn’t the best part. The best part was there wasn’t a ceiling. Seriously, I know that sounds weird, but it was great. It was fantastic taking a nice warm shower in a clean stall underneath a beautiful deep blue sky with a light cool breeze going over me. Normally at a faire event the facilities are so nasty it’s a get in, get out scenario. At this faire I took two showers a day. It was wonderful.
The current fair at the Northern California faire doesn’t currently have any shower facilities. That, my friends, gets nasty.
But what’s worse than no shower facilities are the old shower facilities at the Arizona Ren Faire. I started working there in 1990, the second year the fair was open. I have a friend that is still doing fair out there and he says the showers are in the same building as when I worked out there. I don’t think they’ve gotten better with age.
It's not this bad, but it aint much better.
The shower facilities in Arizona are in one building with a side dedicated to each sex, i.e., men on one side, women on the other. Originally, there were four stalls made out of cheap plastic. My second year there, they took out the fourth stall and put in a flush toilet that was always clogged. The bottoms of the plastic stalls started breaking, so pools of stagnant water would form in large cracks by your feet. Stagnant water that drained off the bodies of people with questionable hygiene.
The shower curtains were stolen/trashed so water was flying everywhere and pooled on the shower house floor. The shower house floor that had no drain in it and a constantly clogged flush toilet. That water got ankle deep some days. Rumors of staph infection were rampant, but I don’t know how true they were. I know I never got it, that’s for sure.
Now, think about it. You work at the fair, it gets into the 90s/100s some days out there (it also gets down to the 40s and 50s and rainy, but that’s another issue), you’re hot, you’re tired, and all you want it is a shower. You trudge to this lean-to and open the door. You get hit in the face with smelly steam, stinky, overweight bodies hanging around, a clogged overflowing toilet and three inches of stagnant water, which may or may not be swimming with staph infection. You’re standing there, deciding whether or not risk possible infection and loss of limb, when some fat old bear screams at you to close the door. So I ask you, what would you do? Me, I just closed the door and decided to deal with my unique stink. But that’s just me: I’m a bold young man with a Devil May Care attitude! (Read: I just stank a lot).
For next time:
I’m still trying to decide which piece I’m going to work on next for this series. It’s down to two: 1) It Aint So Good to be the King, or 2) One Day Soon I’m Going to Tell the Moon about the Farting Game. I’m not sure which one to go with. Suggestions are always welcome in the comments.
The Heat is On
Sunday night, the Dallas Mavericks beat the Miami Heat in game six of the NBA finals. This made me very happy. Not because the Miami Heat are classic head-case bullies — arrogant in victory, self-pitying in defeat — and deserved to lose, but because I placed $60 on the Mavericks winning the series in six games. I took home $330. Go me.
Actually, that’s disingenuous. Truthfully, I really, really, wanted the Miami Heat to lose.
Really, this team is loathsome. From their unearned arrogance, nauseating self-pity when things don’t do their way, to Chris Bosh and his flopping (including the most egregious flop in the history of the NBA. Even Manu Ginobli thought that flop against Carlos Boozer was over the top), this team runs afoul of all that is good and true. If you think I’m being harsh, well, I’m not. What other team, in any other sport, do you know that holds a triumphant pep rally, the kind normally reserved after winning a championship, before one goddamn minute of the next season has been played?
Pictured: Chris Bosh, Lebron James, Dwayne Wade. Not Pictured: 2010-2011 NBA Champions.
I mean, my God — that pep rally. I thought James’s The Decision was bad. However, as bad as it was, that could be chalked up to poor decision making and a misguided desire to be more marketable from a tone-deaf, insulated star. Tacky, foul, but forgivable if someone wanted to be charitable and acknowledge the fact that James lives in a bubble. But this pep rally was planned and executed after the public fallout from James’s insane television spectacle. Great idea guys. You managed to make The Decision look like an exercise in humility and self-restraint. Kudos.
And there is really only one explanation for that absurd spectacle: the Miami Heat wanted to rub their free agency coup in everyone else’s face. Classy, guys. Especially flashing “YES WE DID” on the big screens behind the players. Great plan. And Miami, what did you do? Rings aren’t won in July. All you cats did was spend a boatload of money on a guy who’s turning into the biggest head case in the NBA and another guy who always looks like someone hit him in the face with a 2×4. Oh, and you resigned Dwayne Wade. Congratulations, I guess.
Chris Bosh...oh my god...
So yeah, the Heat are loathsome. And I don’t feel bad saying that. They brought this on themselves. They wanted to be hated, to be villains. Now they are and they don’t like it. So we’re supposed to stop piling on. The rest of us are supposed to be nice to them, now that they’ve lost. No way.
Anyway, now that the basketball season is over, and a major lock-out is looming, there’ll be nothing to talk about except how the Heat failed and LeBron James wilted in the fourth quarter of pivotal games. And make no mistake: this Heat team is a complete failure. Last off-season, Pat Riley and company went out and signed two marquee free agents and a guy who should just be happy to be there. There was only one reason to wrap up that kind of money in three players: multiple championships. This isn’t a team built to make a strong push for the playoffs or to get to the conference finals every other year. No, this team was constructed for one purpose: to win now and in the future. This was Riley’s attempt to custom build a dynasty, and cousin, did it go down in flames. But that’s what happens when you have no point-guard or center, and one of your best players decides not to show -up in the fourth quarter.
And speaking of James, like all “great athletes” he doesn’t stand pat, resting on his laurels. Somehow he managed to one-up both The Decision and the pep rally in one fell swoop. I didn’t think that was possible. I didn’t think LeBron James could make me like him less. Then he said something so arrogant, so condescending, so downright insulting it literally made me laugh at the sheer absurdity that now surrounds a once promising athlete. Here’s what he said during the post-game conference:
“All the people that were rooting me on to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before. They have the same personal problems they had to today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want with me and my family and be happy with that.”
Wow. Just wow. Where do you even begin with that? I think the world needs a break from LeBron James. Luckily for him, he’ll get it with the lock-out.
But in all honesty, James is right. His life is vastly different from mine. For example, I can go to Ohio without having to worry about death threats. I don’t know why I would go to Ohio, but there you go. But even with major lifestyle differences, James, you and I have a lot in common. We’re both human beings after all. We both want to be loved, to be respected by our peers, and neither one of us has a post-up game. And until one of us changes that, we’ll also have the same amount of rings: zero.
Random Anecdote #2
Earlier this century, I attended a hockey game at US Airways arena in Phoenix. I had two tickets to the “Ice Den” portion of the arena, so I took my friend Phil who lived above me. He was later immortalized in a song John E. GO! wrote called Phil’s Apartment.
US Airways was not a good place to see a hockey game. The sight lines were poor and depending on where you sat in the upper level, a good third of the ice wasn’t visible. The Ice Den, where Phil and I were that night, was a section sort of underneath the main seats, directly behind the Coyotes goal and level with the ice. There were actual seats, but still, it really sucked to sit there. To make up for that fact, the Coyotes marketing staff would do things between periods for the people sitting there. Like giving away t-shirts and stuff like that.
A 6'4", 280 lbs man wearing this will get anyone's attention.
About midway through the first period, a nice looking young woman came in and asked, really loud, if anyone wanted to ride the Zamboni. I stood up immediately, extended my arms wide and yelled, “Me!” I was wearing the old style green and orange Coyotes jersey and I’m a large man. I attracted her attention and she picked me.
Right before the period ended, she came by my seat and got me. I waited for the Zamboni in the back corridors of the arena. I remember it was dim and there were lots of dark taupe colored bars and pipes winding around the superstructure of the arena. Before the Zamboni picked me up, I saw three men in suits walking swiftly towards me. The guy in front was shorter than the two behind him and had sand colored, curly hair. As he came closer I recognized him. It was Wayne Gretzky, then the Coyotes President. He nodded at us as be breezed by, smiling. Friendly enough, I decided.
The Zamboni came and picked me up and we went out onto the ice. The Coyotes were playing the Colorado Avalanche that night so I made sure to taunt and jeer the fans as we drove around the ice. I think the Coyotes were losing at that point, so I was being a big a-hole for no reason. Oh well — it wasn’t the first time, that’s for sure.
After we smoothed out and resurfaced the ice the Zamboni headed back into the tunnels. I got off, thanked the driver and marketing person, and walked back to my seat. As I was walking, Gretzky and his guys were coming the other direction. He smiled and nodded and, as he walked by, he said, “Good job.” I think I said thanks or something similarly lame, but after I got back to my seat, I told Phil what happened and I realized that I had gotten a “Good job” from the Great One, Wayne Gretzky. There are people who are playing in the NHL that have never gotten a “Good job” from Gretzky. I think that makes me King of Canada or something.
The Coyotes ended up winning that game. Goaltender Patrick Roy being ejected helped, I’m sure.
Ruminations, etc.. 