Archive for September 2014
THUD NFL Picks Week 4
NOTE: This column is late this week because I (B.Michael) had to deal with flooding in my dining room. But I assure you, we had it written before Thursday Night Football, and nothing was changed to reflect the results of that game. Nothing at all. Really.
Week 4!
DT:
Some incredible drama was found in Week 3 of regulation! Many teams we had completely written off showed they had a huge amount of fight in them. Some shocked us with a rally in match-ups many felt they had no business winning (Cardinals versus Niners), some absorbed circumstances beyond their control and became stronger for it (Redskins against the Eagles), and some teams fell short but still impressed us with their tenacity and unwillingness to go quietly (Buccaneers versus Atlanta).
Just kidding about that Buccaneers bit — what a fucking embarrassment that was. I was actually referring to the Oakland Raiders. They’re still the Raiders, but who honestly didn’t think their match-up against the Patriots was going to be a black-and-silver blood bath?
Week Four may prove not to be as exciting or flashy, but that won’t stop us from drinking too much and investing like our lives depend on it. Except for Monday Night Football. Patriots at the Chiefs is not a legitimate reason to be hung over on a Tuesday. Unless you’re a Patriots or Chiefs fan — and you’re likely hungover most other days if you’re the latter.
BMK:
“[M]ay not prove to be as exciting or flashy?” Dear Lord, you can say that again. This week is as exciting as listening to Mannerheim Steamroller. It’s awful. There are very few “must watch” games and a bunch of pretty mundane match-ups. In fact, this week’s storylines are all variations of “is this previously elite team really this shitty?” Compelling, that.
Anyway, on to the picks…
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Giants at Redskins
D.T.: I don’t think anyone can, at this point, claim the Redskins don’t belong to Kirk Cousins (except for Captain Kirk himself, in his insistent politeness). He turned the team around from a dismal start, to an early contender just by showing up when that other guy got hurt. Cousins threw for three touchdowns and nearly 430 yards in their thriller against Philadelphia, and brought the team within three points of a win. Eli and the Giants may be coming off their first win against the Texans, but I don’t think they can match the excitement and momentum of what’s happening in Landover right now.
Off-camera: Dreams of ever starting in the NFL again, waving from afar.
REDSKINS
BMK: This game is interesting to me. I predict Eli Manning will have a great game and just trounce the Redskins. I also predict there will be four Kirk Cousins turnovers….oh who am I kidding. This was my original entry:
Right now I’m thinking the Giants are the fourth best team in the NFC East, just narrowly beating out Washington. So I’m going to give it to the home team. The way South Park gave it to Synder a few days ago. Hiyo.
REDSKINS
Nostradamus, I aint.
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Packers at Bears
D.T.: Last week, the Detroit defense scored more points than the Green Bay offense. That’s simply not supposed to happen in the NFC North, and Green Bay needs to do some real soul-searching. Chicago’s defense is superior to Detroit’s, and riding high right now. Their offense isn’t too bad, either. Green Bay needs to figure out what’s broken on both sides of the ball rectify it, or they’ll be next on the menu for the Bears’ post-hibernation feast. I’m not sure they will.
BEARS
BMK: This is a good example about how hard it is to pick games. The Bears are doing very well (so far) and the Packers aren’t (so far), so who do you pick? On one hand, the Bears are at home and are playing great, but do you see the Packers going 1-3?
That said, I’m going with the Bears this week. I could tell you that it’s because Cutler is leading a passing attack in the top half of the league, and that I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense at all. Or that it’s because these teams are both evenly matched so I’ll go with the home team. But, to be honest, Chavez was mean to me in the NFL thread the other day and he likes the Packers. So I’m taking the Bears. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS DAVE!
BEARS
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Bills at Texans
D.T.: The Bills hit a speed bump in the first leg of their possible comeback tour. Losing against a San Diego team that’s defeated the championship Seahawks team is nothing to be ashamed of, however. This week, they’re up against a Texans squad in a similar position: coming off their first loss of the season at the hands of a nigh unstoppable team. Both teams want to stay at the top of their divisions for as long as possible (did I really just type that about both the Bills AND Texans?), and the only way to do that right now is to go through each other. My prediction? Offense will make the difference in this match-up of decent defenses, and Buffalo will maintain their race against New England for AFC East supremacy.
BILLS
BMK: A lot of people think Ryan Fitzpatrick is smart because he went to Harvard. Me, I think Fitzpatrick’s smart because he got out of Buffalo, a city that’s fit for neither man nor beast. That said, he landed in Houston. Which is like living in the Devil’s asshole. The Devil’s humid asshole.
BILLS
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Titans at Colts
D.T.: Another promising, future elite quarterback with many weapons at his disposal who can’t seem to get it together just yet. Andrew Luck’s throwing arm is in top shape and this is an ideal year for him to break out — however, his offense has been struggling of late, and that’s mostly due to poor play calling from the booth. For better or worse, The Neckbeard was chosen as Manning’s successor in Indianapolis, and it’s time they had the same realization that Denver Head Coach John Fox had with Peyton: untie the leash and great things are possible. And they better learn it quick, because the Titans are an unassuming force to be reckoned with. They typically fly under most people’s radar, but their defense has been quietly excelling and making some fantastic strides. I think the Colts can pull it together, but not without some faith in their quarterback’s instincts.
COLTS
BMK: This match-up is so compelling that every time I try to write about it I fall asleep. I’m not even sure fans of these two teams are looking forward to this one.
Anyway, as boring as this game is/will be, it’s still better than baseball.
COLTS
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Panthers at Ravens
D.T.: Cam Newton is playing like a quarterback with injured ribs. He’s looking to avoid getting hit, and he’s throwing for the route instead of the receiver. Too many times already we’ve seen him toss the ball away quickly into coverage while his offensive line struggles, when capable receivers like Kelvin Benjamin wait in open field. Against the Ravens defense, that’s a dangerous way of operating. The loss of Greg Hardy was visible in their week three loss to the Steelers, as well. The Panthers are a highly viable team, and the Ravens’ weakness is their pass defense. Putting two and two together, if the Carolina offensive line can hold and Cam can overcome his ailments, the Panthers can take this. If not, their back-up QB is a decent enough option.
PANTHERS
BMK: DTs points are largely correct, but my gut is telling me to take the Ravens, especially at home. Newton’s not playing like Newton and the Ravens seem to have a chip on their shoulder this season. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because no one knows why they’re named the Ravens.
RAVENS
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Lions at Jets
D.T.: It’s a pretty even match-up here, folks. Both teams sport what are, as of week 4, the two best defenses in the league. The Lions’ defense was able to pick apart the Giants and Packers, but stumbled against Cam and the Panthers. The Jets defense has held their own as well, but the New York team has only managed to score a win against the Raiders, so far (who hasn’t, right?). It’s going to come down to which offense wants to more. If Matt Stafford can figure out how to throw the ball to two of the best receivers in the league and Reggie Bush can put one foot in front of the other, the defense can likely do the rest. Let’s just hope they don’t injure themselves during any possible celebrating.
Was this a freak accident, or is Aaron Rodgers a vindictive telekinetic?
LIONS
BMK: Ugh. This game has all the watchability and appeal of a Family Guy marathon. Only with more laughs.
The Giant from Twin Peaks has some advice for anyone thinking about watching this dreck.
LIONS
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Buccaneers at Steelers
DT:
These lovely ladies were kind enough to demonstrate Lovie Smith’s playbook for us.
STEELERS
BMK: Last week I made a joke about San Diego’s Gates finding the Fountain of Middle Age because he’s playing so well. Last week it looked like the Steelers found the same fountain cause they destroyed the Panthers. Of course, this week they’re playing the Buccaneers so they won’t need it at all.
On the side note, is it just me, or do you think Big Ben spends a lot of time asking Coach Tomlin to tell him about the rabbits?
STEELERS
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Dolphins at Raiders
And here they are again, to demonstrate the Oakland Raiders’ strategy. Thanks, ladies!
D.T.: I actually think the Raiders might, dare I say it, stand a chance against the ‘Fins — if only because this game is being hosted in England. Miami won’t know what to do without sunshine, whereas the Raiders spend their existence in eternal darkness. They don’t experience any advantage in the Oakland stadium they share with the Athletics, but they will feel right at home in the cold, dreary autumn of London. Eh, fuck it.
RAIDERS
BMK: Ah yes, the London game. With these teams playing, this is the biggest bomb lobbed at London since the Blitz. I’m going with Oakland. I mean, they’re due, right? RIGHT?
RAIDERS
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Jaguars at Chargers
D.T.: We’ll let the ladies rest and let the blood rush back out of their heads for this one. The Jaguars should be glad they’re not going off to London this week, because they’d likely not be coming back. The Chargers are fired up after two consecutive wins against decent teams, and while I’m not above expecting an upset… it’s plainly not going to happen here.
CHARGERS
BMK: In lieu of picking against the Jaguars – which is the only rational course of action week after week – I’m going to post fun science facts. This week’s subject is the Snow Monkey.
The Japanese macaque is sexually dimorphic. Males weigh on average 11.3 kg (25 lb), while females average 8.4 kg (19 lb). Macaques from colder areas tend to weigh more than ones from warmer areas. Male average height is 570.1 mm (22.44 in) and female average height is 522.8 mm (20.58 in). Japanese macaques have short stumps for tails that average 92.51 mm (3.642 in) in males and 79.08 mm (3.113 in) in females. The macaque has a pinkish face and posterior. The rest of its body is covered in brown, greyish, or yellowish hair. The coat of the macaque is well-adapted to the cold and its thickness increases as temperatures decrease. The macaque can cope with temperatures as low as -20 °C (-4 °F).
CHARGERS.
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Eagles at 49ers
GAME OF THE WEEK ANALYSIS! COMING SOON!
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Falcons at Vikings
D.T.: The Vikings can’t catch a break. They’re moving forward without their star Running Back, and now their Quarterback controversy is finally at an unfortunate end with Matt Cassel’s season-ending foot injury. It’s now up to Teddy Bridgewater to take the reins and lead the team against a surprisingly-intimidating Falcons squad. An inexperienced rookie Quarterback and a struggling running game will leave Atlanta’s defense with ample opportunity to deliver another thrashing.
Looking back, it would have been kinder to give him a youth-sized jersey.
FALCONS
BMK: To paraphrase Storm in X-Men 1: You know what happens to a Viking that goes up against the best passing attack in the league, especially when the Viking is starting a rookie QB and has no rushing attack himself?
The Viking loses the football game.
FALCONS
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Saints at Cowboys
D.T.: The Saints’ running game isn’t what it should be with starting Running Back Mark Ingram having recently undergone surgery on his broken hand. However, the Cowboys’ defense should prove a good environment for back-ups Khiry Robinson and Pierre Thomas to hit a comfortable stride and set a tone for the next few weeks. The Dallas defense is just a mess, and last week they were only able to secure a narrow come-from-behind victory against an ailing Rams team. I’m going with the Saints here — and if they can’t right their course and tight up, there’s at least light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a visit from the Buccaneers next week.
SAINTS
BMK: This one has the same problems as the Packers/Bears game. The Cowboys have been playing decently enough to be 2-1 but do you really see the Saints going 1-3? Me neither.
SAINTS
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Patriots at Chiefs
D.T.: Finishing out the week with less than a bang but more than a whimper, the Patriots march into Kansas City looking for a 3-1 record. They do so with a hitch in their step, departing from Oakland with a victory not nearly as dramatic and easy as they would have liked. I think we’ll see the ball spend a lot of time on the ground, with the Chiefs’ running game still formidable without Jamaal Charles, but their own rushing defense leaving New England an opening. The Patriots’ improved secondary will put pressure on Smith, and the Chiefs’ will offer Brady the same, knowing full well to keep Gronkowski and the New England receiver corps from lighting any fires. Another likely factor in Brady’s performance will be the noise level in Arrowhead stadium. Their offense is already fighting poor communication and lack of chemistry, and intense outside disruptions will create even more static. I think the Chiefs might be the victors here.
“Don’t look at his butt, don’t look at his butt, don’t look at his butt…”
CHIEFS
BMK: Picking this game is tougher than I thought, especially when God gives you linguini in your brain instead of Football IQ. The Patriots are in the toilet offensively and the Chief’s aren’t much better. But what do you expect when the team is being led by Alex Smith, the NFL’s version of mixing red wine and Ambien? I’m going with the Patriots since they have the number one defense in the league, which should negate the Chief’s strength, which is their running game. However, nothing the Patriots are doing on offense should scare anyone. Even with the vaunted Tom Brady.
CHIEFS
Record through week 3.
This post was edited and assembled while watching Doc of the Dead and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the Serpico episode.
THUD NFL Picks Week 3
DT: It’s getting weird out there, folks, and it’s only going to get more weird. Week two saw several bizarre upsets, many key players injured or deactivated for off-field offenses, and the overall climate of the league is not a positive one. Still, that’s for the suits and sponsors to deal with, while we fans have our own responsibilities: playing it savvy on the fantasy waiver wire, and not drinking ourselves into a coma. Week three should hold even more surprises as many teams’ morale will shift, and teams start taking a concerned look at their records so far.
BMK: Agreed. Last week was terrible. It showed you just how unpredictable, scary, and brutal the league and its players can be.
And the games were even worse, amirite? But seriously folks, I gotta tell ya…
Anyway, what’s interesting to me is that, since the new playoff format started, only 12% of the teams that go 0-2 make it to the playoffs. Which means that it’s possible neither the Colts or the Saints will make it to the post-season. Of the current crop of 0-2 teams, I’m thinking the Colts have the easier path to post-season glory, since their division is sort of weak and Andrew Luck is a great QB. Which means the Saints would stay home in January. Considering how many people had the Saints in the Superbowl, that’s amazing. And amusing to me. Since I hate LA.
And Louisiana aint so great either. Hiyo.
BUCCANEERS at FALCONS
D.T.: Tampa Bay came into the new season with a lot of promise. However, they failed to beat a Panthers team who played without their star quarterback, and let the broken Rams team, led by a third-string quarterback, squeak away with a win in week two. This week, they face the Falcons, who are coming off a high from win against their most-hated divisional rival, and their second week at home. The Bucs will shift into panic mode as they come away 0-3.
FALCONS.
BMK: Roddy White’s an idiot, but he’s part of the number one ranked passing attack in the league. At least, he normally is. He may not be this week. But anyway, I’m taking The Atlanta Matt Ryans for this one. You’d be wise to do the same. Especially if you want to be a winner like me.
Pictured: B. Michael Krol
FALCONS
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CHARGERS at BILLS
D.T.: Who thought the Bills would be here, coming into week three? They’ve beaten two teams they were favored to lose against, including the Dolphins, who were running on momentum from spanking the Patriots in week one. I’m playing favorites here and personally hoping they beat the Chargers; mostly because I dislike the Chargers, and would like to see the Bills have the championship belt for a week. The Chargers are coming off a win against a Seattle team that doesn’t quite look like the champions we saw last season, but is still a force. I see San Diego doing fairly well going forward (I think I predicted them as having a winning season in my pre-season write-up), but remaining inconsistent, as their first two weeks have illustrated. I’m going with the scrappy, underdog Bills.
BILLS
BMK: San Diego is riding high off their victory against Seattle. After the refs spotted Seattle 7, San Diego spent the rest of the game dismantling the Seahawks. Which made my black, black, heart happy.
They’re going to win again this week. I like Philip Rivers a lot (but you know, not “like like”), and Gates seems to have found the fountain of middle-age somewhere. They’ll win easily in the land of tangy chicken wings.
Incidentally, if you’ve never been to Buffalo, keep it that way. I was there for a wedding years ago and it was depressing. And their famous chicken wings suck.
CHARGERS
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COWBOYS at RAMS
D.T.: The Cowboys’ shaky offense and non-existent defense are going to be decimated by each team they play of superior or equal talent. However, they’ll keep their record middling by picking off teams with weaknesses. The Titans were such a team, and the Rams will be, too.
Pictured: 2014 Cowboys
As much as I’d like to see the Rams recover from their dire quarterback situation, I think the Cowboys will capitalize and find a hollow victory in achieving 2-1 in week three.
COWBOYS
BMK: I don’t know what will win here: St. Louis’s incompetence or Dallas’s. I’m picking Dallas because Tony Romo is better than St. Louis’s 3rd string QB. Thus, Dallas’s long march to 8-8 continues apace.
COWBOYS
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REDSKINS at EAGLES
D.T.: How freaking weird are the Washington Redskins? They have an injury prone quarterback that can’t be trusted to stay healthy or maintain a consistent quality of play, yet they continue to rally around him. Kirk Cousins stepped in after RGIII suffered yet another lower body injury, and the guy rallied the ‘Skins to a 41-10 win against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Washington needs to realize that the reality of Cousins being a better fit for their offense and the team’s chemistry with him is a better option that the idea of RGIII. Regardless of all this, the Eagles’ no-huddle offense is absolutely explosive right now, and they’ll run circles around the Redskins.
EAGLES
BMK: This is a tough one to pick, and not just because of my clear incompetence at picking football winners. Philadelphia is a talented team that’s features Darren “Tiny Typhoon” Sproles, but Washington destroyed Jacksonville last week, once Kirk “Tradebait” Cousins got into the game. Still, as good as “Philadelphia” is I don’t see them going 3-0. This will be my famous last words, obviously…
Oh, and I’d just like to point out that I was one week off from my prediction of Kirk Cousins having a great week after an RGIII injury. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, DT???!!!???
WASHINGTON
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TEXANS at GIANTS
D.T.: After their loss in week one, Giants Wide Receiver Victor Cruz went on record saying that the key to jump-starting the Giants’ offense was to throw the ball to him.
Yeah, not so much, Victor.
Of the 40 passes Eli Manning was able to fire off in week two, about a quarter of them went to Victor. He caught half of them, and the Giants went on to suffer another frustrating defeat at the hands of the Cardinals. Coming up against a super-powered defense from Houston, the Giants will continue to disappoint and earn themselves an 0-3 record. The Texans will build on their current 2-0 record with a respectable win, and JJ Watt will consider requesting his designation be changed to “Person Hitter/Ball Catcher” in 2015.
TEXANS
BMK: Houston is currently sitting at 2-0, which was their record last year before completely nose-diving for the rest of the season, nearly killing their coach in the process. Houston has seemingly improved from last year (how’s THAT for insightful analysis), but I’m concerned about their ability to score points. I’m taking the Giants here because I think Eli and the boys will want to make up for their defeat last week. So, if you’re a betting man, take Houston. And then go get help. Since no one should be gambling on sports. And if you are, you should not be using my picks. What are you, a lunatic?
And DT, respectfully, I’m not sure anyone involved in the NFL should change their title to “Person Hitter.” It sends the wrong message about violence in sports.
GIANTS
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VIKINGS at SAINTS
D.T.: Hoo-boy. Both of these teams are sitting in the middle of a shit-storm. Adrian Peterson is deactivated for abusing his children, and half the Saints roster should be deactivated for the abuse they took from Cleveland last week. Cleveland.
This Gatorate jug may contain 2% Manziel urine.
The Saints really need to examine what’s happening on both sides of the ball. Drew “Knocked Over by a Stiff” Brees was able to bring the offense back from the dead, but their defense still allowed the Browns to best them. In any other season (besides 2011) this would have been a slam dunk, but Cleveland is showing some real fight, and after what they were able to accomplish in a narrow loss to Pittsburgh in week one, it’s not fair to call either of New Orleans’ losses a fluke. Will the Saints dust themselves off and claim their first win, or will Minnesota recover from their loss against New England? Will the revelation of Cordarelle Patterson and Matt Asiata trample all over New Orleans’ defense? I honestly have no idea what will happen with these two teams. But…
SAINTS
BMK: New Orleans is reeling right now, but I can’t believe that they’ll go down 0-3. They just can’t…can they???
No, not against Minnesota. In fact, this game should be a total ass whoopin. The kind you get sent to prison for. Only the Saints won’t get sent to prison, they’ll get sent back to New Orleans, which is worse than prison. Since it’s hot and filled with drunk people. And poisonous snakes. Don’t forget those.
SAINTS
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TITANS at BENGALS
D.T.: The toe injury suffered by Bengals Wide Receiver AJ Green, in their victory over the Falcons last week, leaves the Cincinnati offense in question. It’s been announced the injury isn’t long-term, but the time-table for Green’s return isn’t clear. If he comes back well enough to play, the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee. If he’s unable to perform… the Bengals should have an easy time snatching a win from Tennessee.
BENGALS
BMK: Prisco over at CBS Sports has Cincy as the number one team in the NFL right now. I think that might be stretching it a bit (and who are you going to believe? An “analyst” who spends thousands of hours examining game tape and statistics, or some dude with a wordpress blog who makes his picks after drinking?), but Cincy should win easily here. The Ginger of Doom will pass all over Tennessee’s secondary and Cincinnati’s defense should handle the Titan’s adorable attempts at offense. Really guys – it’s cute. The way you throw and run the ball…
BENGALS
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RAVENS at BROWNS
D.T.: There’s seriously no empirical data or evidence to suggest one team will beat the other. Let’s just look at some cheerleaders. Wait… the Browns don’t have cheerleaders? Ohio is home to two NFL teams, the Football Hall of Fame, a history of having very little reason to watch the field, and one of their teams doesn’t have cheerleaders? It’s like the NFL is actively trying to make this part of the column difficult for me to write. I’m rage-quitting this prediction, and picking the Browns.
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are 1-1 under Brian “THE DESTROYAH” Hoyer. I’m rooting for this kid to succeed. Because the longer he does well, the less Manziel we’ll have in our lives. And that’s a good thing.
Relax DT, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings…
BROWNS
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PACKERS at LIONS
D.T.: NFC North divisional games are always fun, because each team has a great quarterback and receivers, and none of them have any sort of passing defense. They always turn into exciting, decent-scoring shootouts, and this time around should be no different. However, Detroit has to figure out a way to make Megatron and Tate relevant if they want to keep up with the ridiculous chemistry Green Bay’s enjoying between Quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Wide Receiver Jordy Nelson. If Stafford can snap out of his funk and take full advantage of the dangerous long game he has at his disposal, this could turn into an exciting match-up.
PACKERS
BMK: This is a tough one to call. I think I’m giving it to Detroit because a) they’re at home, b) and I trust their defense a little more. Plus they’re the Lions, and Lions used to fight Packers in ancient Rome, who’d always lose. Even back then the Packers had a crappy defense.
LIONS
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COLTS at JAGUARS
D.T.: If the Colts can wake up Andrew Luck (seriously, the guy was already sporting a thousand-yard stare during the National Anthem) keep their dumb-ass offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton (more like Lethargic Hamilton, right?) in check, they should enjoy the first of two bye weeks this season.
“Hello Darkness, my old friend…”
However, the gross incompetence of last week’s play-calling against the Eagles probably has this team riding on a low level of confidence. The Jags may score themselves some points and put up a decent fight, but if Luck can call his own shots and find a way to upgrade his connection with TY Hilton and Reggie Wayne from dial-up back to cable, they should clean house.
Keeping this fucking guy off the field wouldn’t hurt, either.
COLTS
BMK: Really?
COLTS
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RAIDERS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Holy shit, the Raiders are playing the Patriots? So much for watching football. I’ll be spending the day keeping my friend James, who’s an Oakland native, from killing himself and everyone in a mile radius.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Good luck with your buddy James, DT. But I don’t think you have to worry about much. I live in the East Bay and no one out here thinks the Raiders are any good. Except that dude that dresses like Darth Vadar and goes to the games. But he’s homeless and smells like piss. In other words, just like every other Raiders fan out there.
Anyway, there is absolutely no way – literally, no way – that Oakland can win this. Which means Oakland will win it in a rout.
NEW ENGLAND
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49ERS at CARDINALS
D.T.: The NFC West’s first divisional match-up. The 49ers come into this match-up in Arizona with their pass rushing hindered by Outside Linebacker Aldon Smith’s suspension, and their offense troubled by Tight End Vernon Davis’ questionable eligibility due to an injury. The Cardinals are a great home team, but Quarterback Carson Palmer and star Running Back Andre Ellington are likely to be game-time decisions again. The Cardinals’ strength lies in their defense, and ability to create turnovers — if they can create the same type of atmosphere as we saw in the Chicago/San Francisco game and avoid drawing penalties, we could see the Cards walk out with the first NFC West divisional win, and a 3-0 record. I’ll bank on that.
CARDINALS
BMK: Okay, I watched the 49ers game last week and I have to say, as a resident of the Bay Area, I loved the second half. It was everything I wanted in a football game. Harbaugh’s tears make for a delicious vintage no wine from Napa can match.
That said, I cannot pick Arizona here. First of all, the 49ers always play Arizona tough. Back in the day, when SF went 2-12, their lone two victories were against the Cardinals. Second, the Cardinals do not have much of a pass rush, and SF has one of the best offensive lines going right now, even with its issues on the right side. Third, most importantly, I’ve been picking against them all along here and they’ve been winning. So why change that?
SAN FRANCISCO
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BRONCOS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Without a doubt, the game of the week and the one that will receive the most attention. The Broncos spent the entire offseason using the anger of their Super Bowl loss to fuel their training and resolve. Sunday night it will all come to a head, they’ll be out for blood. Peyton Manning will demand nothing less than perfection, but will he get it against the Seattle squad who, despite a loss against the Chargers last week, still looks razor sharp and deadly?
I kind of hope so, because no one wants to see this shit again.
Officiating is likely to play a huge factor in this match-up, as both teams will be playing with tons of physicality. Expect lots of yellow flags, including personal fouls and unsportsmanlike conduct, and possibly an injury or two. In the end, I see a bitter and determined Broncos squad handing the Seahawks their second home loss in Russell Wilson’s tenure.
BRONCOS
BMK: Seattle got embarrassed last week by the Chargers, so normally I’d pick Seattle to win in a rout since they have something to prove. Problem is, Peyton Manning was way more embarrassed in the Superbowl by Seattle. So who do you pick in a battle between an immovable object vs. irresistible force? I’m picking Mr. Irresistible himself, Peyton Manning, to hand Seattle their first consecutive loss this season.
Oh, by the way, I know that the whole, irresistible force vs an immovable object thing is supposed to illustrate a stalemate between two evenly matched and powerful entities, and, technically, there can be no winner between the two, so don’t bother pointing it out. But if this does end up in a tie, I’ll owe you a coke.
BRONCOS
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CHIEFS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: Miami’s starting Running Back, Knowshon Moreno, is likely not to suit up against the Chiefs after dislocating his elbow on his first run in week two. His energy and drive was instrumental in their week one win against the Patriots, and his absence in week two played an obvious role in their week two loss against the Bills. The Chiefs have been near-decimated with injuries in just the first two weeks, with last week’s match-up adding Jamaal Charles and Safety Eric Berry to the list. Coupled with Alex Smith’s inability to complete half of his intended passes leaves the Kansas City offense in serious jeopardy. I don’t think they’ll pull off a road upset.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I have no idea who to pick here. So I got two cat treats and put them on two separate plates, each plate marked with a Chiefs or a Dolphins logo, and let my cat, Sam, go. Whichever team got their treat eaten, I’d pick.
You know what happened? That #U%)#_*$_ cat ate both treats. I need a new cat.
This guy sucks at making football picks almost as much as I do.
DOLPHINS
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STEELERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: The return of Cam Newton brought with it an impressive win against the Lions, whose offense simply could not get it together. Carolina showed their ability to utilize their own green receiving corps, and rookie Kelvin Benjamin continues to prove himself a stud and a brilliant remedy for what many believed would be Carolina’s weakness this season. They’ll be without half of their Defensive Duo, however, as Greg Hardy has been deactivated while investigations over a domestic abuse case are being carried out.
“Guys, can you stop hitting women and kids? People are realizing I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.”
It’s a real blow to Carolina’s defense, and leaves the Steelers poised to exploit. Ben Rothlisberger is always a threat, and Running Back team Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount have been blazing it up.
Seen here, demonstrating the proper way to line up for a running play.
Even so, if Cam Newton’s offense can control the pacing of the game, they’re likely to punch holes in Pittsburgh’s struggling defense and send them home with a 1-2 record.
PANTHERS
BMK: Last week I picked the Steelers. I was sure – SURE! – that they would beat the Ravens, whom I was sure – SURE! – would be distracted and forlorn over the Ray Rice flap. These kinds of set-backs are why I have self-confidence issues. Anyway, the Steelers are reeling now, and they’ve almost tied me for defensive take-aways the last couple of weeks, so I’m dropping them this week. As will the Panthers.
PANTHERS
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BEARS at JETS
D.T.: A deceptively-interesting match-up to finish out the week. The Jets currently the sport the best running defense in the league, while Matt Forte has been held at 3.5 yards per carry on average. The Jets have the advantage here with Chris Ivory and Chris Johnson splitting touches to highly effective results. On the other hand, Jay Cutler is throwing incredibly well, and four of his receivers are already above 100 yards passing, each. They proved how much of a force their offense can be against San Francisco. If they can get Forte involved, and avoid any defensive confusion from offensive trick plays, they could really give Geno and the Jets a run for their money.
BEARS
BMK: Last week, the coaches lost it for the Jets. Rex Ryan needs to put his foot down and stomp out his staff’s incompetence before their season is lost. His coaches need to toe the line. By the way, did you see Rex Ryan’s post-game conference where he states he has no idea who called the time out that nullified a TD? It was a real foot-in-mouth moment.
Yes, this is being written by a 12 year-old, why?
BEARS
We clearly have no idea what we’re doing…
This post was written to Spotify’s Beats To Think To Playlist. Yeah, so what if I like techno…
Week 2 Football Picks for CHUD. Sort of…
D.T.: Week One of the 2014 NFL season is now in the books. Like Jacksonville’s head-scratching pull head in the first half of their match-up with Philly, or Knowshon Moreno making Tom Brady cry into his towel, parts of the week left us amazed, thrilled and reminded us why we fight to survive the seven months of off-season. Other parts of the first week surprised no one at all, like Roger Goodell revealing yet again how incompetent he is. It’s going to be a weird, exciting, unpredictable season and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
B.Michael: Yeah, pretty much. The one thing I’ll add is the patented NFL overreaction is happening on schedule. No one should be surprised that that Seattle beat Green Bay, or that the 49ers beat Dallas. Defense has never been Green Bay’s strength and what they’re really good at – throwing the ball like crazy – is nullified by Seattle’s lock-down secondary. Seattle winning does not mean they’ll repeat this year. Same applies to the 49ers. They beat Dallas, who will likely have one of, if not the, worst defenses in the league. Everyone needs to calm down.
Except the fans in Pittsburgh. Apparently they hanged Manziel in effigy before the Browns/Steelers game. That’s awesome. I’ve never been prouder to be a former resident of Pittsburgh.
STEELERS AT RAVENS
D.T.: The Steelers head out to Baltimore for their second divisional rival game in as many weeks. They nearly blew it last week against Cleveland, letting Hoyer command the Browns towards closing the 24 point gap they created at half time, and quell demands for Manziel’s debut. Rothlisberger looked sharp, and showed he’s still able to put it in the hole from deep. Just keep it consensual and of age, Ben. I see the Steelers coming in hungry for that first win, and the Ravens continuing to be distracted by the controversy plaguing their locker room.
Referring, of course, to Poe’s racy leaked selfies.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m not sold on Pittsburgh yet. That said, I the Ravens are coming off of a short week and, um, a lot of other distractions. So I’m going with Pittsburgh too.
PS: If any of the Ravens players claim they’re playing this one for Janay, I’m taking a shotgun to the nearest road sign.
STEELERS
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DOLPHINS AT BILLS
D.T.: Both teams surprised everyone last week, defeating their favored opponents, and the latter pissing off 80% of survivor pool players. Tom Brady out-threw Ryan Tannehill in every area except the one that counts most, while Knowshon Moreno was a revelation, showing no fear as he marched through enemy territory. In Chicago, Running Back Fred Jackson was the hero as he stomped his way to the one yard line, and allowed for a game-winning field goal that left Bills fans with more hope than they’ve had in ages. I see the Dolphins capitalizing more on their week one victory, and riding high in a second against against the Bills
DOLPHINS
BMK: Finally these two powerhouses from the AFC East square off. I predict it’ll be bigger than the Rumble in the Jungle, World War 2, and New Coke combined. It’ll also be a victory for Buffalo, since I trust the Bills defense more than Miami’s offense. Sorry DT — YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
BILLS
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JAGUARS AT REDSKINS
D.T.: The Redskins came into week one even more of a mess than most expected. Like I predicted, all Houston really needed to do was what they do best, and contain Washington’s failing offense long enough for the clock to tick down. The Jaguars showed a strangely-high level of confidence in the first half of their game against the Eagles, but were quickly stomped in a second-half rally and shut-out. Call me crazy, but if the Jaguars can do what they did in that first half against a team not nearly as capable of rallying, they could take it. I’m taking the risky pick and going with Jax.
JAGUARS
BMK: I’m with you picking the Jaguars here. I, like most thinking people, was impressed with what they did against the Eagles. I don’t think Washington has it in them to rally if they get behind. My guess is that they will, and RGIII’s post-game Subway Sub will be eaten fresh…fresh with his tears.
JAGUARS
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COWBOYS AT TITANS
D.T.: Yet another shocker, as the Titans took down an unfocused Alex Smith and strangely absent Jamaal Charles. Was it the Titans’ game to win, or the Chiefs’ to lose? Either way, I expect the Tennessee offense who had little trouble dismantling the highly-favored Kansas City defense holding down the fort and doing the same thing to a nearly non-existent secondary visiting from Dallas. Maybe we’ll get to see another Dez Bryant meltdown.
You kinda feel sorry for them…
…and then you kinda stop feeling sorry for them.
TITANS
BMK: Ugh, the Cowboys. Despite how bad they are, they might actually be the second best team in the NFC East. Hopefully Romo will get over his desire to throw passes to the other team’s defensive players, but I doubt it. With their defense being a complete mess they’ll get behind early and then Romo will start throwing passes like underwear at a Ted Nugent concert: off-target and reeking of desperation.
Yeah, I don’t get it either, but I you to think of the Nuge and reeking old lady underwear. So there’s that.
TITANS
CARDINALS AT GIANTS
D.T.: Is it still considered a homer pick if there’s very little chance of your team losing? The Lions had the Giants defeated and discouraged in the 1st quarter of their week one meeting, and I just don’t think New York has an answer for what Arizona will bring. Yes, we got lucky with a one point win on Monday night, but our defense held steady against a Chargers team being called a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but Carson Palmer looked creative and inventive (two things we haven’t been able to call Eli Manning in a long time), throwing to 11 different receivers — and all of them on his team!
CARDINALS
BMK: I was at that game and I saw a lot to like about the Cardinals. But I am very concerned about their defensive front seven and Eli Manning has a habit of winning when he shouldn’t. Plus this game is on the east coast, where is has been habitually difficult for west coast teams to win.
As we established last week, God hates me. I want to pick the Cards but this has trap game written all over it. I’m taking the Giants.
GIANTS
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PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS
D.T.: The Patriots are coming to Minnesota with the sting of losing a season opener to a divisional rival. The Vikings invite them in after completely blowing out a broken St. Louis squad. I say the anger of being embarrassed outweighs the satisfaction and drive from stomping out a hurting team. Patriots will double their efforts and secure a 1-1 record in week 2. And I think Gronk will live to fight another day.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Week 1’s result was embarrassing for our heroes Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. I have it on good authority Tom cried himself to sleep last Sunday night…on a bed stuffed with Clevelands and being comforted by a supermodel. In short, being Tom Brady doesn’t suck, but we knew that.
This week Belichick and Brady will come up with a way to ice the Vikings. I believe in Belichick. But I also believed in Harvey Dent, sooo…
PATRIOTS
—–
SAINTS AT BROWNS
D.T.: Both teams came out of the first week with narrow losses in their division, and left both teams with the lowest defense rankings in the league. Both will be looking to prove a point, and one of them has a serious shot of looking absolutely foolish in the process. The Saints offense outranks the Browns in every way (at least until Josh Gordon is probably, maybe, most likely reinstated and can give up his career as a car salesman), and I expect them to dish out the sort of victory we grew accustomed to seeing from them in 2013. The Brows are a scrappy team, and coming from nothing with something big to prove. I kind of hope they do (and I hope Hoyer can keep demands for Manziel at bay), but I don’t think they’ll start to do that until week 3.
They probably keep him benched for fear of any other obscene gestures.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints are going to march in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!!??) to Cleveland and dismantle the Browns. If Hoyer starts really screwing up, watch for Johnny to come marching in (HA HA HA, GET IT???!!??) and take over. And promptly be destroyed by Rob Ryan and his lovely silver locks.
SAINTS
—–
FALCONS AT BENGALS
D.T.: The Falcon’s narrow victory over their hated New Orleans rival landed them the top spot in league offensive rankings. Matty Ice reminded us of his reputation for being clutch in tight situations, and out threw Breesus, King of the Drews, 3-1 in touchdowns and by a margin of over 110 passing yards. Their week 2 match-up in Cincinnati might prove to be one of the more intense and interesting, as they take on Andy Dalton and A.J. Green’s pairing, capable of such feats as a 77 yard touchdown pass in fourth quarter situations. It’ll be an offensive shoot out to the end, and I see Matt Ryan out throwing Andy Dalton, even on his home turf.
FALCONS
BMK: Really DT, Breesus, King of the Drews? Oi vey that’s bad…But I can’t disagree with your analysis.
FALCONS
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LIONS AT PANTHERS
D.T.: A cats game! The Panthers have guaranteed the return of Cam Newton in the second week, which should help them build from the momentum of last week’s victory over the Buccaneers. I’m intrigued to see the chemistry between Kelvin Benjamin and his starting quarterback, after looking like a stud in week one with back-up Derek Anderson. Kelvin and TE Greg Olsen both look to be the weapons Cam needs for Carolina’s chance at success this season. The Lions were off to a fantastic start, with Matthew Stafford’s chemistry with unstoppable wide receiver Calvin Johnson setting the tone very quickly against the Giants last week. Will they be able to work that type of magic against the Panthers’ dominant defense? Maybe not to such a dazzling degree, but I think so.
LIONS
BMK: Cam coming back is good news…I guess. But I expect the Lions to win here. They looked pretty damn good last week against the Giants. And while the Panthers are a better team than the Giants, I’m not sure it’ll make much of a difference.
And yeah, that bit of analysis came after I couldn’t come up with a pun that involved the word pussy that wasn’t base. You’re welcome.
LIONS
—–
RAMS AT BUCCANEERS
D.T.: It’s tough to view the Rams’ performance last week and maintain any sort of optimism or neutrality about their chances against Tampa Bay. Resorting to a third-string quarterback in the first half of the first game of the season, the Rams just looked lost and confused. Vikings’ rookie Running Back Cordarelle Patterson had himself a day, walking on the backs of the Rams to three touchdowns in his regular season debut, the latter of whom could only meekly answer with a pair of field goals. Tampa had their share of disappointments in week one as well, watching star Running Back (are we still calling him a star at this point?) Doug Martin terrify fans yet again by leaving the field with a quad injury, after earning a barely-worth-mentioning 9 yards rushing. Still the Rams are painfully vulnerable, and the Bucs may be poised to exploit that and earn their first W.
She only looks happy because she’s paid very little to do so.
BUCCANEERS
BMK: DT goes the extra mile here and actually offers analysis, but c’mon…it’s the Rams behind Shaun Hill. Possibly behind the dude not good enough to supplant Shaun Hill or for me to Google.
BUCCANEERS
—–
SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS
D.T.: I really only have two predictions for this game: the Seahawks will win, and Phillip Rivers will have another temper tantrum. Even though it pains me to type this next word in all caps…
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Prediction?
Pain…
SEAHAWKS
—–
TEXANS AT RAIDERS
D.T.: The only thing keeping the Raiders’ season interesting this early on is the fact that they’re playing opponents they have an ice cube’s chance in hell of beating.
Get it? Because I said “ice cube” in reference to the Raiders. Damn, that’s comedy.
Quarterback Derek Carr showed some promise, despite the Raiders being dominated by the Jets. If he can keep that focus and not be intimidated by the inevitability of J.J. Watt firmly yet tenderly putting him to bed — oh, what am I saying? It’s the Texans. The Texans will win.
TEXANS
BMK: The only hope the Raiders have here is if the Texans players take BART to the Coliseum and are stabbed on their way through the parking lot. Other than that…
TEXANS
—–
JETS AT PACKERS
D.T.: This one might actually be more interesting than people expect. Chris Johnson is a dangerous addition to the Jets running game, against a team known for their poor rushing defense. If Geno can work some magic in the air while Johnson and Ivory hold the ground game, the Jets could actually have a shot here. Still, the Pack needs to save face after the terrible loss they were handed by the last team to come over for a visit. I think I have to go with the safe choice and call on the Packers to win it. But I still really think this could be one of the more interesting Sunday games.
PACKERS
BMK: I was surprised at how well the Jets ran the ball last week. But the Jets secondary are the Oakland Raiders of secondaries. Rodgers will carve them up faster than Fat Rex used to carve up a ham.
—–
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS
D.T.: Denver’s first divisional match-up comes up as a home game against a rival that fell apart in week one. The last time these two teams crossed paths was in noisy Arrowhead Stadium against a Kansas City team running at full steam. Playing at home against the Broncos is a very different environment, however — just as the Colts, as they were dealt a defeat as revenge for what happened the last time they hosted Denver. If Alex Smith can get his head on straight and the Chiefs can get Jamaal Charles involved, they’ll become a force yet again. But Denver is looking to secure the comfort of a 2-0 record while they’re at home, and I don’t think Peyton will settle for anything less.
BRONCOS
BMK: It’s the regular season, so Peyton’s going to win. It’s just that simple. This year, he’s a man on a mission. When the playoffs come around though…
Bryan felt bad about his “analysis” for this game, but she thinks he’s tops.
—–
BEARS at 49ERS
D.T.: The 49ers offense had their way with Dallas last week, while the Bears defense couldn’t quite contain the Bills’ middling offense. In a clear-cut case of offense versus defense, I see the Bears giving it their all, but falling short of stopping a San Francisco offense that’s squirrely and hard to get a lock on. Measuring defense versus defense, the 49ers sacked Romo three times and enjoyed four forced turn-overs, while Chicago’s defense gave up nearly 200 rushing yards against the Bills running game. Advantage going into week two, and a win? It’s the 49ers.
49ERS
BMK: Last week, I expected the 49ers to win. They’re not a bad team by any stretch and even though I think Kaepernick is a tool, he plays behind a great offensive line and Dallas is a bad team, so he did his normal Kaepernick thing (medium range throws, 200 yards). I’m hoping that Chicago will actually give the 49ers a challenge. But as I stated before: God hates me.
49e…..ugh…I just can’t.
—–
EAGLES AT COLTS
D.T.: Wrapping up the week is a true Monday night shootout between Nick Foles and Andrew Luck. The Eagles might have an advantage with LeSean McCoy leading their rushing game against an Indy defense that allowed first-time starter Monte Ball over 60 yards and a touchdown. They’ll have significantly higher difficulty in containing Shady, but may get lucky if Nick Foles continues his streak of turnovers. It’ll be an exciting end to the week, seeing both teams try to systematically pick at each others weaknesses. Even though they have a running game that Bryan and I could fill in for and probably gain more yards, I have an inkling that Luck with lead the team to a win in the comfort of Lucas Oil Stadium.
COLTS
BMK: I’m picking the Colts here as well since they’re at home. Henne dropped nearly 300 yards and 2 TDs on the Eagles in week 1, so I’m pretty sure Luck will have no problem handling the Eagles defense.
COLTS
Note: This post was assembled listening the the Dandy Warhols’s first record. Bryan was surprised at its quality. Check it out.
CHUD.COM Football Picks Article
Hi All..
In theory, me and my buddy, the incomparable DT, are supposed to be doing a weekly Pro Football Pick ’em column over at CHUD.com. I say in theory because, at this point, neither DT nor I have the requisite permissions to post over there yet. I’m confident that will happen sometime. Hopefully before the 2015 NFL season. If it doesn’t, well, the column will run here.
And now…the picks…
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Packers at Seattle
Bryan: Going with Seattle at this one. They’re at home and Green Bay’s defense has more holes than in it than Prometheus’s plot.
SEATTLE
D.T.: The Packers did made some moves to improve their secondary, signing ex-Bear Julius Peppers, and picking up Ha Ha Clinton-Dix in the draft. However, finishing 2013 as 28th in rushing defense and 24th in pass defense is still a hell of a hole to claw their way out of. And like you mentioned… they’re playing in CenturyLink Field. I expect the game to be close, but I see the ‘Hawks coming out ahead.
SEATTLE
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Bills at Bears
Bryan: I’m taking the Bears here. The Bills haven’t done anything in the off-season to warrant any faith. And they’re on the road.
BEARS
D.T.: The Bills made some strides, man! They drafted Sammy Watkins, who has been magical in practice, and looks to be a stud. The did lose Jairus Byrd and huge chunk of their defensive confidence right along with him. I think he Bills might show some flashes of greatness this season, but I agree that it probably won’t start here.
BEARS
—–
Browns at Steelers
Bryan: The countdown to Manziel starting begins here. And it will begin with a Browns loss.
STEELERS
D.T.: We’re going to see Manziel by the time Cleveland’s bye week rolls around, but not for any fault of Hoyer’s. Cleveland’s tight end Jordan Cameron is limited by injury, and their star wide receiver is limited by not evolving beyond the human need for oxygen, and cannot hold his breath while other people smoke marijuana around him. Allegedly. Pittsburgh’s running game is completely defunct for similar reasons, which leaves two broken teams to battle it out in what may turn out to be the most tedious game of week one. Still, it’s a divisional match-up and it’s the season opener. For that reason, I’m giving it to the home team.
STEELERS
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Jaguars at Eagles
Bryan: Really? Eagles.
EAGLES
D.T.: Remember when I said the Browns/Steelers game could be the most tedious of the week? That’s still true. But this might be the most one-sided. The Jaguars going out to visit the Eagles is like having your slow-witted friend over to play Mario Kart, and handing him the MadCatz controller with the permanently-stuck B button. If Foles were to start taking a knee in the 3rd quarter, would that be arrogant, or merciful?
EAGLES
—–
Patriots at Dolphins
Bryan: HOW WILL BELICHICK AND BRADY HANDLE THE FOOTBALL JUGGERNAUT THAT IS THE 2014 MIAMI DOLPHINS AND RYAN TANNEHILL!!!??!!!
Quite well, thank you for asking.
PATRIOTS
D.T.: Bryan, they’re going to handle Brady-Chick by… uh… I got nothin’. The Patriots having Gronkowski back, which will set their offense on fire, and their defense has been bolstered by Darrelle Revis and “The Scariest Man in College Football”, Dominique Easley. They’re looking stacked, and the most the ‘Fins were able to muster is the addition of Branden Albert to their abysmal offensive line. It’s the Patriots.
PATRIOTS
—–
Saints at Falcons
Bryan: I’m expecting a lot of offense here, with Julio Jones and Roddy White back again. But I have my doubts about Ryan in the red zone without Mr. Gonzalez. So I’ll go with the Saints.
SAINTS
D.T.: A bitter divisional rivalry between a dominant team that keeps improving, and an opponent that continues to slip. The Saints are in peak form on both sides of the ball, while Matt Ryan has to conduct an average passing game and an inconsistent running game from behind an offensive line that (judging from last season’s effort) might actually want him dead. The Saints are going to parade through the division, tossing beads as the other three teams lift their tops. Atlanta is the first stop.
SAINTS
—–
Panthers at Buccaneers
Bryan: The Panthers might be without Cam Newton this game. Which is fine, because the Panthers have no one to throw to anyway. That said, the Buccaneers offensive line is leaky and Luke Kuechly is a beast. This is the kind of game that makes me glad I’m not picking scores. This could end up being a 9-6 barn burner.
PANTHERS
D.T.: I think Cam will show up for work, and he’s got an interesting new tool in Kelvin Benjamin. The kid is massive, and may be the best rookie Wide Receiver this season. I mean, look at him:
This reporter is sitting on DeAngelo Williams’ shoulders.
And Greg Olsen is more than capable of taking on his share of receptions. Losing their entire receiving corp is a huge blow, but Carolina is a scrappy team and able to put plays together, and their Kuechly/Hardy powered defense is enough to contain the Bucs. I see them winning in a close game.
PANTHERS
—–
Colts at Broncos
Bryan: Remember that scene in Rocky V when that thinly veiled Don King dude is going off about the “YOUNG LION VERSUS OLD LION!” That’s this game. Except without the fine acting from Mr. Tommy Gunn.
Seriously, I’d take the Colts, but this is the regular season. You know, where Peyton excels.
BRONCOS
D.T.: We’re on the same page here, for sure. Even with Wes Welker suspended, the Broncos offense is still a powerhouse, and their defense is back to full strength (possibly even better with the addition of DeMarcus Ware from Dallas). Manning has something to prove in a fresh match-up against Luck, free of Jim Irsay’s psychological warfare. Expect a fierce offensive shoot out with some surprises from both defenses, but an eventual Broncos victory.
BRONCOS
—–
Bengals at Ravens
Bryan: I’m going with the Bengals. Because I like tigers. And I have to pick someone here.
BENGALS
D.T.: Cincinnati’s passing game and defense are superior to Baltimore’s, while both sport average running games. However, the Bengals’ red zone production gives them the edge, and I think they’ll do some scoring when it matters. They’ll give the Ravens a run for their money. Really though, let’s move on. Preferably to more Cheerleaders.
BENGALS
This year’s cheerleader handbook includes Ray Rice safety tips.
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Redskins at Texans
Bryan: JJ Watt will be in a good mood after signing his mega deal and Clowney will want to show everyone why he was a number one pick. Bad news for RGII and RGIII.
That said I’m still picking the Redskins, since offensively the Texans stink. I expect Kirk Cousins to have a big day here.
REDSKINS
D.T.: You’re expecting Cousins to make an appearance as early as week one? I think their offense is going to struggle even with DeSean Jackson catching passes — however, I think Head Coach Jay Gruden and General Manager Bruce Allen are shackled to RGIII, for better or worse. Going against the Texans’ defense, however, I don’t see a bright end to their first week. Washington is a ripe target for a Watt/Clowney debut and I see the Houston defense containing this game.
TEXANS
—–
Titans at Chiefs
Bryan: I’m not sure the Titans are up for this. I expect the Chiefs to take a step back this year, but not here.
D.T.: The Titans are good in the trenches, but the Chiefs will put them to the test, everywhere else. A far better passing game, a running game they can’t match up with, and a stadium that will down out communication will dismantle the Titans in week one, and score the Chiefs and opening day victory by a significant margin.
CHIEFS
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Vikings at Rams
Bryan: Adrian Peterson plus no Sam Bradford equals a loss for the Rams.
VIKINGS
D.T.: I personally cannot wait to see what sort of team Minnesota grows into after the first few weeks. They’re one team where I see great potential and some exciting twists and turns in their 2014 storyline. However, I think week one will be formulaic and safe. The Vikings offense will go through the motions and the Rams defense will push back. And while the Rams’ offense suffered a huge blow in the loss of Sam Bradford, I honestly think it was more of a shot to their morale than their offensive production. Shaun Hill is just as serviceable as Sam Bradford; the difference being that Hill may have peaked, while Bradford may – at this point – never reach his full potential. Still, I expect the Rams to take a victory here by a small gap.
RAMS
—–
Raiders at Jets
Bryan: Here’s a graphical representation of this game…
JETS…I guess.
D.T.: Totally the Jets. Chris Johnson and Eric Decker should beef up their offense and Geno Smith should come in with loads more confidence this season. Their defense will be shredded in weeks to come, but week one will serve as a nice warm-up against a team who seems to be perpetually cleaning the slate with gasoline and fire.
JETS
—–
49ers at Cowboys
Bryan: This game vexes me. On one hand, I really want the 49ers to lose, since I hate that team and everything they stand for. However, that means the Cowboys will win, and I’ve detested them longer than the 49ers.
If this game ends in a tie, I’ll know that God loves me. But since he doesn’t…
49ers.
D.T.: The Cowboys’ defense was a joke last season, and they’ve somehow managed to lose all of it’s best and most relevant parts coming into 2014. The 49ers just had their best pass-rusher sidelined with suspension, so that leaves both quarterbacks a little more at ease and able to move the ball around. It’s going to be San Fransisco by a margin, though: their offense is just too good for their opponents’ absolutely terrible secondary.
49ers.
—–
Giants at Lions
Bryan: The Giants offensive line hasn’t gotten any better. But we’ve been saying that for years now. This time though Suh is playing, and he’s an angry man that likes hurting people.
LIONS
D.T.: Like all of the NFC West, the Lions lack in pass defense and rushing. While I agree that Eli’s offensive line is still complete crap, I don’t think he’ll be fleeing for his life. However, I also think that the Giants are in a strange transitional time (hopefully transitioning out of being an embarrassment), and they’re going to be a mess for at least a little while longer. Their secondary might be decent, but I don’t think they’ll pull it together to slow down the one-two combo that Matt Stafford now has in Megatron and Golden Tate.
LIONS
—–
Chargers at Cardinals
Bryan: This is one is harder to pick than you would assume. See, normally I’d pick the Cards and feel pretty good about it. But here’s the kicker: I’m flying out to see this game. And it’s my first time being in the new Cardinals stadium, after being a season ticket holder from 98-2000. So Chargers will win in a rout.
CHARGERS
D.T.: No way, dude. The Cardinals may have lost key elements of their 2013 secondary, but they’ve made big strides to plug up the holes. Plus, their offense is loaded with receiver talent and a QB that (while still inconsistent) is much more comfortable in Coach Bruce Arians’s tricky offense. Chargers Quarterback and Resident Bolo Tie Enthusiast, Phillip Rivers, will keep with his amazing momentum from last season, but Arizona is a team that’s coming into this season hungry, charged with a dynamic new roster, and looking to set an immediate tone for 2014. As long as they can keep turnovers in check, I see the Cardinals winning in a spirited victory.
CARDINALS
Ruminations, etc.. 