Archive for December 2014
NFL Picks: The Final Week
Week 17, looks like I picked the wrong week to quit methamphetamine.
D.T.: We come to it at last… the final week, and one giant divisional blow-out to end the 2014-15 NFL regulation season. By the time all six of our readers are taking a gander at this final regular season column, they’ll have gained five pounds from pies, fudge, glazed ham and…
“Yamps! Sweet po-tay-to yamps…!”
Gifts will be returned or exchanged. A few head coaches will be returned or exchanged. We’ll all be settled in for one last semi-glorious overdose of all our favorite teams’ back-ups locked into sloppy divisional match-ups for one last day of excuses why it’s okay to drink at 11am.
Or in Ryan Lindley’s case, as soon as the alarm goes off.
It’s gonna be a weird day of football that probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than the NFC South. Shall we kick this mother off, Krol?
BMK: Yes lets. This week features some hot, division-on-division action. A couple of the games actually mean something, even!
And DT, it’s always okay to drink at 11am. That’s what Chuck Bukowski did, and who can argue with Bukowski?
Seriously, look at this dude…
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BROWNS at RAVENS
D.T.: The Browns are completely out of playoff contention, while the Ravens have a chance at landing the sixth seed. What they definitely need to accomplish is a victory over the Browns (which is entirely plausible, and my prediction for the outcome — spoiler alert!) and for the Chiefs to beat or tie with the Chargers… which could be a little more difficult. The Browns are back to Hoyer the Destroyer to try and force an upset, but I don’t think it’ll happen. The Ravens have a lot on the line, they’re playing at home for a place in the post-season, and they’ll come into this game looking for blood.
RAVENS
BMK: Yeah, the Browns don’t stand a chance here. I wish the Browns could have done something this year after their promising start. Oh well. Like Browns fans always say: maybe next year.
I do think it’s funny that after drafting Johnny Football the team is reportedly exploring all options at quarterback. Imagine that. A kid with very few NFL quality football skills and a work ethic worse than mine isn’t making it at the next level of professional sports. Let’s be blunt: Manziel has all the charm and personality of the average tubesteak, but that’s not what really burns my ass about him. No, it’s the fact that, when it comes to Manziel, I actually agree with Merrill Hoge. I see eye-to-eye with Merrill’s analysis of Manziel and his game and that bothers me more than I care to admit.
Suggs scares the stuffing out of me.
Anyway, later Browns. You were good while you lasted.
RAVENS
—–
COWBOYS at REDSKINS
D.T.: The ‘Boys have all but secured the number three seed in the NFC playoff picture, and have knocked off all three of their division rivals. I know how everyone in DC had Christmas dreams of seeing RGIII play in the post season, but sorry, Skins fans: there’s no Santa.
“What about Hanukkah? Do we still have a chance there?”
Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin get one more go-round on the worst field in the league, before their uncertain futures are decided in the coming off-season. Expect the ‘Boys to rest their starters, and for those starters to enjoy a nice victory over a crushed team.
COWBOYS
BMK: I’m pulling for the Cowboys in the post-season this year, since I don’t want Seattle to win another Superbowl and the only way to beat them is with a strong running game, which the Cowboys have. Hopefully they can knock out Seattle in time to get beat later in the post-season, since the only outcome worse than a Seahawks Superbowl is a Jerreh Superbowl. Either way, the Cowboys’s job is done for the regular season. Time to give Romo a rest.
The Redskins…man, what a dysfunctional franchise. The next question is who goes first: Gruden or Griffin? I’m thinking Snyder sides with his QB and ships Gruden off to the Isle of Misfit Coaches (San Diego). After that, RGIII gets another year and another coach to kill and then he’s off to be a career backup somewhere (not Arizona, please not Arizona).
This game also gives me an opportunity to use one of my favorite graphics from DT…
COWBOYS
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COLTS at TITANS
D.T.: What the fuck happened to Andrew Luck last week? Heading into the last stretch of the season, he’s been in a bit of a slump, but their match-up against the Cowboys was ridiculous. He played like the Quarterback version of Trent Richardson.
“Football! Come back, football!”
It’s staggering just how much of the Colts’ success is placed on Luck’s shoulders, and how horribly the team falls apart if he has a bad day. Still, the Colts locked up an easy division and they’re headed for the fourth seed in the AFC. Expect Luck to play a quarter at most, and a game more than worth skipping. Honestly, the 2-13 Titans should just stay home, too.
COLTS
BMK: Really DT? It’s surprising to you how much the Colt’s success is dependent on Luck? This team was a perennial powerhouse when Manning was in charge, then went 1-15 the year Manning was out, after which it became a powerhouse again after Luck was drafted. That pretty much spells QB dependent to me.
COLTS
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SAINTS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The car-crash of a division that no one but those directly involved in care about, but none of us on the outside can look away from. Once again, first place in the division has changed hands — this time to the Panthers. The Saints, Panthers and Falcons are all locked up at 6 wins, with the Panthers ahead by an inch because of that tie with the Bengals. It’s incredible that such an anomaly has had this big of an impact on their division. At any rate, both the Saints and Bucs are out of the post-season running, so here’s another game that no one other than die-hards and coaching staffs will be watching.
“Fuck that. I’m finally going to get caught up on Breaking Bad!”
The winners in this game are the Saints, for finally being put out of their misery.
SAINTS
BMK: I’m going with the Bucs here. I’m behind in picks so I need to start doubling down and winning big. Don’t let me down, Lovie.
BUCS
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EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: Eli Manning’s crowning achievements have been finding a wide receiver who won’t drop his passes, and Peyton Manning throwing more career interceptions than him.
“Hey, Pey.”
“Hi, ‘Li.”
“Just wanted to let you know that you can suck it. I have two rings and fewer INTs now.”
“That’s nice, Eli.”
“And also, I’m Dad’s favorite now. So, go Omaha yourself.”
“Eli, that doesn’t even –“
“Cooper is and always will be my favorite son.”
“…”
“…”
“Merry Christmas, fuckheads.”
EAGLES
BMK: Is the Sanchise still playing? Or have they gone over to Foles? I guess I can google it…Oh well, F it.
EAGLES
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BILLS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: The Patriots have clinched the division and secured home field advantage for the playoffs. Which means they’re likely to be the team representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. The Bills and Dolphins had a nice season too, though, with the Fins likely to eek their way above .500, and the Bills… well, it’s a significant accomplishment for them to have reached 8-8. Maybe the Patriots will be cordial and sit their starters and let the Bills finish with a winning record.
“Or how about not.”
PATRIOTS
BMK: This ought to be a barn burner.
PATRIOTS
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JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: Believe it or not, the Texans actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of making the playoffs. If that snowball was really, really big and dense, and Satan was kind enough to turn down the heat for a little while.
“Or how about not.”
They pretty much have to win their next game (likely), the Chargers have to beat the Chiefs (possible) and the Browns have to beat the Ravens (nope) for them to be gifted a sixth seed spot in the post-season. That’s way too many variables to fall into place, but stranger things happen. sadly, we’re probably looking at two teams with no real shot at the playoffs instead of just one. Still, the Texans get to go out with a winning record, and a triumphant home game to end on.
TEXANS
BMK: A lot of people think hell is hot. It’s not. It’s cold and snowy. Like Buffalo in the winter. Anyway, the Texans will win this game, JJ Watt will not win the MVP, and the Jaguars will stink again next year. You can take these predictions to the bank. Though I’m not sure why the bank would care…
TEXANS
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CHARGERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Chargers have a chance to land the sixth seed, and their fate is their own to control. With no stipulations coming from other teams, all they need to do is beat the Chiefs at home. Which lands their chances at about 50-50, really. Divisional games are always wacky, and Arrowhead is a tough place to play. The Chiefs are looking to play the spoiler here and ruin Philip Rivers’ New Year. But, I have to say, I think Phil is hungry for a post-season appearance, and he’ll pull out all the stops to achieve it.
CHARGERS
BMK: Alex Smith isn’t playing this game since he has a lacerated spleen. That sounds painful. And gross. But I think the Chargers will win this game since they’re be facing the dude not good enough to beat Alex Smith out of a starting job. Which is as pathetic as it sounds.
CHARGERS
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JETS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: It’s Rex Ryan’s going away party, and they’re having it in sunny Miami! There are worse places to walk into, knowing you’ll be fired.
The Jets will put up a fight, as they’re known to do in AFC East games, but it’s the Fins last hurrah in a winning season that – by their standards – isn’t too shabby.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I heard a report this morning that Rex Ryan is already cleaning out his office, and that everyone’s assuming GM Idzik is getting fired too.
I sort of feel bad for Rex Ryan. Yeah, he’s a blowhard with a foot fetish, but these last couple of seasons humbled him a bit. I’m thinking he’ll still be a good head coach somewhere (SF?), but it’s probably time to leave the Jets for greener (har har) pastures.
I don’t know anything about Idzik at all. Except that he can’t pick a QB.
DOLPHINs
—–
BEARS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The NFC North belongs to the Packers and Lions, with those two teams battling it out for the division championship. Meanwhile, the Bears and Vikings are also playing a game. Merely out of formality and contracts and stuff, I guess. The Bears are all out gas, and the Vikings will end the season with a losing record, but not in last place in their division. Which, much as it is in the NFC South, is a victory in itself.
VIKINGS
BMK: I’m so mad at the Bears. I really wanted them to have a good year since that Brandon Marshall kid is so charming on Inside the NFL. But they beat the 49ers a while back, so that’s all that matters.
VIKINGS
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RAIDERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Broncos are headed to the playoffs, and the Raiders get news that they’re staying. They just can’t fucking win, can they?
Cheer up, dude. There’s always nex–well, maybe not. You’re pretty well fucked.
BRONCOS
BMK: The Raiders are staying for 2015. They can still – oh, yeah, they’re fucked.
—–
CARDINALS at 49ERS
D.T.: Ryan Lindley showed us that Whisenhunt wasn’t 100% to blame for the utter failure of the Cardinals’ 2012 season. Keeping his not-a-single-touchdown-thrown streak alive, and likely to maintain that record for whatever’s left of his NFL career, he’ll likely be benched in favor of rookie Logan Thomas. The Cardinals had a meteoric rise this season, but they’ve come back down to Earth hard and fast. They’re still playoff-bound, regardless of the outcome of this game, but I don’t expect any more wins out of the injury-devastated team.
NINERS
BMK: This game – and all its implications — is too depressing to talk about.
Pictured: Harbaugh’s meeting with Trent Baalke after the season ends.
NINERS
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LIONS at PACKERS
D.T.: Finally, a game that means something. These two teams are tied up for the division lead, with the winners looking to enjoy a chance at the number two seed, and the losers dropping down to battle it out for the wildcard spot. Looking at the slump these two teams have been in the last couple of weeks, it’s tough to pick a clear winner.
“Oh, I think there’s a clear winner. You don’t see Stafford hanging out with Dana Carvey, do you?”
I’ll trust that Aaron Rodgers brings his A-game this time around, knowing exactly what’s on the line, and knowing that he’s up against a dangerous Lions defense. But, if Matty Stafford can figure his shit out and come to play as well, we could be looking at a fun divisional shoot-out, and the best game of the week.
PACKERS
BMK: This definitely is the game of the week (are we still doing those?) for all the reasons DT mentioned. This is the kind of game that the NFL had in mind when it started scheduling all division game late in the season, not that Buccaneers/Saints dreck that those poor people in Tampa Bay will be forced to watch.
I’m hoping the Lions win this one since I don’t think Green Bay is built for a deep playoff run. Yeah, Aaron Rodgers can play lights out, but their defense leaks like an Adult Baby’s Diaper. The Pack will never beat Seattle with that defense (or with that attitude!), so it’s best just to get Green Bay fans’s inevitable disappointment out of the way early.
LIONS
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RAMS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Seahawks keep showing us that in a battle of stout defenses, it’s the team with the offensive edge that will win. Such will be the case here. If Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch’s current hot streaks aren’t enough to convince, consider the fact that winning this game lands them the division title, and they’re playing at home. You made us proud with your scrappy refusal to give up, Rams, but here’s where your heart-warming story comes to a close. Here’s to next year.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: This game is like the recent Hobbit sequel: it’s long, it’s unnecessary, and the outcome doesn’t change anything for anyone. One question though: when will the Rams figure out Jeff Fisher aint a good coach?
SEAHAWKS
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PANTHERS at FALCONS
D.T.: Whoever wins this game wins the division and hosts a game in the playoffs. So, what we’re basically looking at is the opportunity for a team to win a fucking mess of a division, then lose at home in the first round of the playoffs. Might as well be the Falcons, I guess, because I don’t think Cam Newton’s going to get it done.
FALCONS
BMK: I’m going with the Panthers here. Mostly because I’m hoping against hope that the Cardinals face them in the first round and maybe get a win.
PANTHERS
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BENGALS at STEELERS
D.T.: Both of these teams are headed for the playoffs, and the Bengals likely to yet another first-round elimination. Anything can happen in the NFL (and sometimes does), but they’re a team of such highs and lows and that doesn’t cut it when you’ve reached the highest level of competition in arguably the most physically competitive professional sport. The Steelers will find a way to win at home, clinch the division and move up into the number three seed in the AFC.
BMK: Oh Andy Dalton…you’ve burned me so many times before this year…but not as bad as you burned the Brown family with your contract. Hiyo.
Anyway, these two teams are going to the playoffs but neither will go very far. The AFC belongs to the Patriots. And to Jesus. But mostly to the Patriots.
—–
DT: And that’s that. As we move on to the playoffs portion of the article, I’d like to thank those of you who’ve been reading all season (hey dad), and thank my esteemed and hilarious partner, Krol, for inviting me on board to knock this bad boy out each week. It’s been a privilege being your personal suicide hotline during each Cardinals game, and spending Sundays laughing like idiots at things Colt McCoy’s neck problems.
Oh, and I’m totally ahead in picks again, but we’re having a moment, so I won’t gloat.
BMK: Thanks to all the readers and thanks to DT. This column could be done without DT, but it would suck. So a very public thank you to a guy that’s been my huckleberry these past 17+ weeks.
Also, thank you to Nick Nunziata. We couldn’t of done this – oh, wait. We did.
Anyway, this has been a lot of fun. Especially when we took cheap shots at people and teams we don’t like. Which is pretty much everyone. So ha-ha. SUCK IT BUFFALO!
Finally, some pictures of the Goddess herself…
Thanks again…it’s been a blast.
DTs victory should come with an asterisk.
This post was edited and compiled while listening to Spotify’s Deep Thinking Playlist and your mother telling me she told me so…
THUD: Week Sixteen Picks
Week 16 — your records aren’t what they seem.
D.T.: Welcome to the NFL, Johnny. Hope you had fun, because it looks like you won’t be doing that again until next year.
“Yeah, it was a great time.”
The beginning of the Manziel Era came and went like a wisp of smoke, as the Bengals hazed him in an embarrassing 30-0 shut out. I hope Cleveland head coach Mike Pettine made whatever point he was aiming for, because I’m sure his ass is on the line now, too. The rest of the week was far more interesting. The Panthers continued to befuddle us all by grasping first place in the NFC South… for a day. The Seahawks placed a big fat period at the end of the Harbaugh Story in San Francisco, and the Cowboys revenged the Eagles after the nasty beating they took on Thanksgiving.
We’ve got one last week before all the playoff teams bench their stars to rest them up for the playoffs. Let’s make the most of it!
BMK: The thing that interested me last week was the Seattle game. As I predicted, the 49ers went run heavy and were winning. Then everything went kerplooey. Like Harbaugh’s coaching tenure.
By the way, Harbaugh’s going to Oakland. A man with his ego aint going back to coach college. Plus, his wife submarined the Cleveland trade because she didn’t want to move away from Palo Alto. I live across the Bay from Palo Alto, and it is very nice. I also live across the Bay from Facebook. Whenever I drive to Ikea to pick up that month’s yuppie provisions, I always see morons getting their pictures taken by the Facebook sign, which is a large Thumbs Up picture. As Bugs would say, what a bunch of maroons…
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TITANS at JAGUARS
D.T. …and we’ll start making the most of it right after this travesty of professional sports is over with.
JAGUARS?
BMK: Is it too early in the article for Krol Facts? Probably.
JAGUARS
—–
EAGLES at REDSKINS
D.T.: …okay, maybe we’ll start making the most of it after THIS travesty of professional sports.
EAGLES
BMK: Washington and Philly? Whoever wins, good taste loses.
EAGLES
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CHARGERS at NINERS
D.T.: Fuck me. Seriously? We get four days of NFL football this week, and the first two are complete crap?
“Sorry, bro.”
CHARGERS
BMK: Saint Francisco vs. Saint Diego. I like Saint Diego. Actually, not really. Saint Francisco was sort of bad ass. But for this game I like San Diego. Or something.
What do you want? I’m drunk.
Pictured: Krol at the office Christmas party.
CHARGERS
—–
VIKINGS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: This game’s still not great, but I’ll take it. Last week, the Vikings held divisional rivals, the Detroit Lions, to a 14-16 game, keeping Matt Stafford to around 153 yards and a single touchdown. It wasn’t a pretty game for either side, but it kept the Lions in competition with the Packers for the division title. The Fins fared far worse, being spanked mercilessly by the Patriots in a textbook definition of a rout. They’ve dropped down below the Bills (more on that in a bit), and they’ll be looking to rebound fast in order to keep up. I think they’ll have an okay time achieving just that.
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m getting a feeling in my gut here that the Vikings are going to win. That could be the Mexican food I ate today too. Take my word for it kids, don’t eat cased meat cooked by a vendor on the side of the street in San Francisco’s Mission District. And if you do, don’t get mayo and jalapenos on it either.
VIKINGS
—–
RAVENS at TEXANS
D.T.: Last week, the Texans’ quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, busted his leg. They’re going through quarterbacks faster than the Arizona Cardinals, having lost both Fitzpatrick and back-up Tom Savage in the same game. Up next is… holy shit, the Texans tracked down Case Keenum and resigned him?
“Everyone keeps calling me Ryan, and asking how my leg is and why I shaved my beard.”
It’s going to be a fun trip to Texas for the Ravens.
RAVENS
BMK: Case Keenum? Holy crap. Baltimore in a rout.
By the way, does Terrell Suggs scare anyone else but me? That dude looks terrifying.
RAVENS
—–
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: There’s a little bit of a shit-storm happening in Chicago, as Bears Offensive Coordinator Aaron Kromer made some pretty disparaging criticisms about Quarterback Jay Cutler. When asked about how he felt about the situation, Cutler asked “Who’s Aaron Kromer?”
“Does he play on defense, or something?”
The continued implosion of the Bears franchise calls into question the future of a lot of jobs, and has left the team deflated and aimless. Their lack of enthusiasm, athleticism and drive against the Saints last week illustrated this, and now with the news that the Bears are planning on benching Cutler? I don’t expect them to pick up the pace against the rival Lions squad. The Lions should have a spectacular week.
LIONS
BMK: Just like in the wilds of Detroit, lions will eat the bears. Oh my.
LIONS
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BROWNS at PANTHERS
D.T.: So, as I mentioned, the Browns decided to start their high-profile rookie quarterback in a fierce rivalry game, when they were only two games behind a tie for first in their division. Manziel getting a start was an inevitability, but doing so this late in the season, in a gamewhere you know your opponents will be firing on all cylinders? It was a fucking stupid choice, and the Cleveland front office got what it deserved.
Again, I… probably wouldn’t say this to his face.
If they start Manziel again this week, I would expect more of the same, as the Panthers are back in the fight for the NFC South, and will be looking to keep in pace with the rest of their division. And at this point, can the Browns afford to look wishy-washy with their roster choices?
PANTHERS
BMK: Manziel’s ignominious start warmed my black heart. It was so gratifying watching that little ne’er-do-well get intercepted and sacked as much as he was. But, between you and me Johnny, you need to hit a weight room. You look like a boy out there.
PANTHERS
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FALCONS at SAINTS
D.T.: After getting hammered by the Panthers two weeks ago, the Saints rebounded against a flat-lining Bears team. The Falcons, however, didn’t do so well against the Steelers, but they were pretty much outclassed. This week, both of these unpredictable, on-and-off teams are going to have to be on. The race for the playoffs in this division may look like like it’s taking place between retarded blind dogs with no legs, but it’s still a race.
“Retarded blind dogs with no legs? Hmm… pass.”
With these two teams tied for first and the Panthers hot on their heels, I’d like to expect a better game from both squads than we’ve seen of late. And I’d like to think the Saints will pull ahead for a win, because when they’re at their best, they’re a better team overall than Atlanta.
SAINTS
BMK: A question I’ve been asking all year: what the hell happened to the Saints? These guys used to be money at home. This year 3-4 at home. What the H, bro?
Normally, I’d be inclined to take the Falcons in this Powerhouse Division matchup, but Julio Jones is injured. So I’m going with the home team.
SAINTS
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PACKERS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The NFL must be somehow cashing in on making sure the ratings are all squarely landing on the Saints/Falcons game. I don’t think even Aaron Rodgers will be paying much attention here.
PACKERS
BMK: Can I ask a question? What are they thinking with those stupid Hans and Franz commercials? When was the last time those characters were relevant at all? What demographic are they going after with them? Good god…
Oh, yeah, um…
PACKERS
—–
CHIEFS at STEELERS
D.T.: This game has some serious post-season repercussions, as the loser will find it a bit more difficult to reach the Wild Card. With the AFC North in a three-way tie, the Steelers need this win to keep up. The Chiefs find themselves three games behind Denver, but still have a glimmer of a chance. I don’t know if the Chiefs can stand toe-to-toe with Cheesburger, Bell and Brown at home. In fact, I’m willing to go with the Steelers here by a modest margin.
STEELERS
BMK: I don’t trust the Steelers D any more.
CHIEFS
—–
PATRIOTS at JETS
D.T.: The Jets become the spoiler, with their entire season in flames, and with nothing left to do but fuck up the last two Sundays for some other team. Wacky shit happens when the Jets play their divisional rivals, and even the Patriots aren’t immune to it. However, I don’t think the Jets’ death rattle will keep the Pats from chalking up one more win in their dominance of the AFC East.
PATRIOTS
BMK: There’s still football in New York?
PATRIOTS
—–
GIANTS at RAMS
D.T.: The Rams have looked good, the last few weeks. They may have lost to the Cardinals by a narrow margin, but they still held the Arizona squad to zero touchdowns, and that’s their third week doing so. It’ll be interesting to see how the St. Louis team will match up against the Giants, and if they’ll have an answer for phenom wide receiver, Odell Beckham, Jr. My guess is the Giants will break the Rams’ defensive streak, but I’m not expecting a high-scoring game.
GIANTS
BMK: The Rams have a strong defensive line nucleus. I’m not sure what they’re going to do at QB next year, but if they keep building on the defensive side of the ball, I could see them challenging the 49ers for the 3rd spot in the division.
RAMS
—–
BILLS at RAIDERS
D.T.: I’m proud of the Bills for taking on a powerhouse like the Packers and shutting them down. This past season has given Bills fans more hope than they’ve had in the last decade, and one more win this week will be icing on the cake. Enjoy, Buffalo.
BILLS
BMK: Yeah, the Bills fans have some hope. Which is especially cruel, because most of them live in Buffalo. Which sucks.
BILLS
—–
COLTS at COWBOYS
D.T.: Does this game come down to DeMarco Murray’s ability to contribute? He just had surgery, and he’s questionable for Dallas’s visit from Luck and the Colts. If he’s unable to contribute, then the Cowboys’ goal of reaching the post-season (which, despite a stellar upturn for them this year) hangs in the balance. If Murray can’t come to play, that effectively cuts Dallas’s offense in half, and leaves the Indy defense with the ability to focus on the pass rush and slow the ‘Boys down. If Murray is in, then the Colts will be hard-pressed to evenly distribute the coverage.
On the flip-side, Indy’s pass offense is lethal. Yes, Luck is likely the overturn the ball early on, as he has a weird cycle of coming into each game cold and warming around halftime, but the alleged return of TY Hilton gives The Neckbeard a nice compliment of weapons, even against the decent Dallas defense (how’s that for some fuckin’ alliteration?). I’m going to be a lame cliche analyst and say that if Murray plays, Dallas will win. If he’s sidelined, then the Colts will have a stronger chance.
COWBOYS (Conditionally)
BMK: Wait? What is this conditionally shit, DT? TAKE A STAND MAN! PICK A SIDE!
I’m going with the Colts here. Dallas’s secondary isn’t great, and a hobbled or absent Murray will mean a greater workload for Romo, who’s not great in December (to say the least).
COLTS
—–
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Battle of the Birds, and possibly the game that decides the fate of the NFC West Championship. Also known as the reason why I’ll be drinking on Sunday. The Cardinals are down to third-string quarterback and known-dumpster fire, Ryan Lindley. Ryan Lindley you’ll recall… from nothing, actually. No one remembers Lindley from the mass of rotating Quarterbacks Ken Whisenhunt rolled out in Arizona in 2012.
Pictured: Ryan Lindl–wait. Fuck, that’s John Skelton, isn’t it?
It’s fair to give him the benefit of the doubt, since he has likely-two-time Coach of the Year Bruce Arians guiding him, but the kid is still terrible even with a strong offensive line. The Cardinals are an excellent home team and will find ways to contain Marshawn Lynch. The cypher here is Russell Wilson, and the Cardinals’ ability to hold him into the pocket and allow the Arizona defensive backs to control the game. It’s going to be a defensive, low-scoring game all around. So, between the scrappy team that refuses to give in to injury, and the former champs rediscovering their fire? Fuck it, I’m going to be a homer and go against my gut.
CARDINALS
BMK: If Stanton was playing, the Cardinals might have a chance if their resurrected running game continued. With Lindley…I just don’t see it. I don’t think the Seahawks are as unbeatable as everyone else; if you can run against them you can beat them. Last week Gore and Hyde were having their way against the Hawks and it looked like SF could pull the upset. But then Gore went down, as did Hyde, and worse for SF, their starting interiror linebackers went down too. Without those players, Seattle just did what Seattle does: run Lynch, protect against the pass.
Anyway, I’m going with Seattle.
SEAHAWKS
—–
BRONCOS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals had themselves a day against the Browns last week, tormenting and terrorizing a rookie quarterback who, let’s face it, needed to be tormented and terrorized at least once, if he has any chance in hell of succeeding at a professional level. But now it’s back to work, and they’re going against one of the top 5 offenses and defenses in the league. I’m going to be frank: the Broncos are going to win this. The one adjective that describes one team and not the other is “consistent”…
“What about handsome?”
…and the Bengals have been shown to often be their own worst enemy. Peyton Manning will be healthy again, and Julius Thomas is likely to return and be hungry to rebound in front of a prime-time audience. Sorry Cincinnati fans, but this one has Denver written all over it.
BMK: If Manning plays, then yeah, this game will be Denver’s. That said, Manning is questionable for the game. If you ask me, he’s questionable for a lot of shit. Really Peyton? Planning that keep-a-way game? That’s iffy, bro.
DENVER
—–
D.T.: And there we go! Week (Sweet) Sixteen is set to go off, and I can’t wait to watch the fireworks (as soon as Thursday and Saturday are over…). There’s lots of bids for the playoffs on the line, lots of teams throwing gasoline on the fire, and we’re closing in on one of the most dramatic and entertaining endings to a season in some time. Enjoy folks, and come back next week for one last hurrah!
BMK: Last hurrah? LAST HURRAH! We have the playoffs, son!
Well, maybe it’ll be the last hurrah. But cheer up CHUD heads, maybe DT and I will do a Superbowl special column with us checking out the scene in Phoenix. We’ll do it up Fear and Loathing style.
DT, as your attorney, I’d advise you to have another beer…
We’re still tied…for last.
This post was edited and compiled to the sound of silence. No, not that sound of silence. Literally, there was no sounds at all. Except the sound the keyboard makes. But, you know, that should go without saying…
THUD Week Fifteen
Week 15 — here comes the regression to the mean!
D.T.: Cam Newton finally gets his shit together, and then injures his back in a car accident. The Rams put up historic, back-to-back shut outs right as they’re being pushed out of playoff contention. The Raiders beat the shit out of the Niners. Krol finally caught up to me in picks. Ain’t football a bitch?
“Yes.”
We were ragging pretty hard on week 14 for being a series of shitty games and, for the first time this season and maybe in our whole lives, ever, there’s a slight, miniscule chance that Krol and I were wrong. I mean, who expected the Packers/Falcons game to be as high-scoring as it was? Who expected Andrew Luck’s mistakes to turn the Colts/Browns game into a nail-biter? Well, if you were pleasantly surprised like us, you better hold on to your ass, this week.
BMK: Yeah, this last week turned out to be better than I thought it would be. Especially since the Raiders beat the 49ers. As an avowed Harbaugh hater, that was just delicious. This week we got some hot Division on Division action. Let’s get biz-zay!
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CARDINALS at RAMS
D.T.: Somehow, the Cardinals managed to squeeze out a win against the Chiefs. Many would argue that poor officiating helped, and to them I say… yeah, probably. The Rams defense is looking pretty incredible, and they’ve developed a knack for picking off hurting teams. The injury-plagued Arizona team will have to really step it up on offense to survive. They’ve certainly got more on the line, and if they can keep clear heads and utilize the tools they’ve got left, they just might squeak out another W. Maybe. I hope.
CARDINALS
BMK: A lot of hay is being made out of the Rams blanking the Redskins and the Raiders. It’s an impressive feat, but I think the media is overplaying the Rams abilities. Don’t get me wrong, their pass-rush is scary, but who do they have on their secondary? Who’s their offensive playmaker?
That said, I’m picking them this week. Thursday night games this year have been insane. I’m going with the home team.
RAMS
—–
STEELERS at FALCONS
D.T.: I’m as shocked as anyone that the Falcons managed to score as much as they did against the Packers. Julio Jones had himself a freaking day, and topped out at 260 yards and a touchdown, and Matty Ice tossed for 375 yards and four TDs. Maybe something has awakened in the Falcons and they just realized that someone from their division MUST go to the playoffs, and it might as well be them. But, their visit from the Steelers won’t help that cause — their defense is far too weak to stop Cheeseburger and LeVeon Bell. Sorry, Dirty Birds.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m picking the Steelers here too. Mostly cause I can’t figure out why I shouldn’t.
STEELERS
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REDSKINS at GIANTS
D.T.: At this point, both the Redskins players and fans must be eagerly awaiting the sweet relief of the off-season. Giants fans are more than likely indifferent, and placing all of their attention and enthusiasm on the incredible season Odell Beckham, Jr. is having. This wasn’t a great season for them, but next year they get to look forward to seeing that kid line up across from Victor Cruz. That’s a scary thought, indeed. Oh, and they’ll win this week.
GIANTS
BMK: Ugh, the Redskins. They’re like the Jets, but without the excellent football.
I feel sorry for the fans of that team, since most of the problems with the Redskins come from a bad owner. Before Michael Bidwell took over, the Cardinals were in a similar situation, just constant dysfunction and mediocrity or worse. This off-season will be interesting down in Virginia, that’s for sure.
GIANTS
—–
DOLPHINS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: Divisional match-up, ahoy! Wacky shit happens when these two teams face off, and the last time they did, the ‘Fins put the Pats away with a two-possession lead. That, however, was before the Patriots began enjoying their revitalization on both sides of the ball. The Miami defense has been struggling of late, and I expect to see Brady, Gronk and Blount capitalize.
And, sadly, we’ll probably see less of this.
PATRIOTS
BMK: The Patriots do not lose at Foxboro. They just don’t.
PATRIOTS
—–
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: I’m sure Alex Smith enjoyed watching his former team struggle against the worst team in the league.
“Colin-what? Kaeper-who?”
But, will he be able to avoid the same thing happening to him? All signs point to yes. The Chiefs will be fortunate to finish the season in second place in the AFC West, but at least Smith isn’t still on that sinking ship. And he’s got easier divisional rivals to beat up on.
CHIEFS
BMK: I think the Raiders got a decent QB in Derek Carr. Or, at the very least, they have a decent prospect to develop further. Other than that, there’s not much to like about Oakland. Despite their sweet, sweet, victory last week, they’re still a two win football team. They’re not beating the Chiefs at home.
CHIEFS
—–
TEXANS at COLTS
D.T.: A tricky divisional match-up. The Texans’ playoff dreams are still alive, but they have to go through the 9-4 Colts to get there. This week, literally. Indy Quarterback Andrew Luck has been struggling with turnovers lately, and the loss of Reggie Wayne to a tricep injury stings a little bit, but the Neckbeard has historically played great against this divisional rival squad. I expect the same to occur here, as they host JJ Watt and professional spectator Jadaveon Clowney at home in Lucas Oil.
I spend $40 a month for RedZone. He gets $22 million to watch from the sideline. Fuck this guy.
COLTS
BMK: The Colts are soft on defense and JJ Watt is a wrecking machine. However, Andrew Luck is at home and he’s an amazing QB.
COLTS
—–
BENGALS at BROWNS
D.T.: And so begins the Manziel Era. Both the Bengals and Browns have been prone to unpredictability this season, and tossing in a hot-headed, untested Quarterback into the mix makes things all the more interesting. I have to say, I don’t think it’s wise of Pettine to gamble on Johnny Football/Foot-Tall/Eight-Ball at this point in the season.
Though, I probably wouldn’t say it to his face.
It seems like a real risk to put a divisional game on the line, when you’re only a win behind a three-way tie for the championship. I’m not sure what statement the Browns franchise is trying to make, and I wonder if they’re banking on a fresh QB being able to best a team that nearly lost to the Buccaneers, and lost quite badly to the Steelers in week 14. Should be an interesting experiment, and I suppose I can see it working out for them, if the Bengals are in Shitstorm-Mode this week.
BROWNS
BMK: A rookie QB in a divisional game? With holes in the offensive line? Hard pass….
BENGALS.
—–
JAGUARS at RAVENS
D.T.: Right now, Marcus Mariota is thanking the Football Gods that the Jaguars drafted Blake Bortles last year.
“Heh. No shit.”
RAVENS
BMK: The Misfits are an American punk rock band often recognized as the progenitors of the horror punk subgenre, blending punk rock and other musical influences with horror film themes and imagery.
Founded in 1977 in Lodi, New Jersey by singer and songwriter Glenn Danzig, the group had a fluctuating lineup during its first six years with Danzig and bassist Jerry Only as the only consistent members. During this time they released several EPs and singles, and with Only’s brother Doyle as guitarist, the albums Walk Among Us (1982) and Earth A.D./Wolfs Blood (1983), both considered touchstones of the early-1980s hardcore punk movement.
After a series of legal battles with Danzig, Only and Doyle regained the rights to record and perform as the Misfits. They formed a new version of the band in 1995 with singer Michale Graves and drummer Dr. Chud. This incarnation of the Misfits had a sound much more rooted in heavy metal, and released the albums American Psycho (1997) and Famous Monsters (1999) before dissolving in 2000. Jerry Only then took over lead vocals and recruited former Black Flag guitarist Dez Cadena and former Ramones drummer Marky Ramone for a Misfits 25th Anniversary tour.
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PACKERS at BILLS
D.T.: The Buffalo Turnover Machine vs. Aaron “Only Three Interceptions in 2014” Rodgers. The Bills continue to play solid defense, and Green Bay’s continues to be their weakness. If Orton, Watkins and Jackson can hold it down, they might give the Packers a sizable challenge. In the end, however I see the Packers chalking up their sixth win in a row. But I hope the Bills cause some turnovers and knock that Green Bay homer out of my fantasy playoffs.
PACKERS
BMK: Conventional wisdom says the Packers win this game, and why wouldn’t it? Aaron Rodgers is playing lights out and putting up all sorts of gaudy stats.
But I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense. At all.
Of course, I don’t not trust it enough to buck conventional wisdom. Just saying, we’ve seen this movie before: Gaudy Green Bay lights up the regular season but goes home early in the playoffs.
PACKERS
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BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Cam Newton picked a good week to get his truck knocked over, and fracture his back. If Carolina decides to rest him this week, their back-up Derek Anderson is capable of taking on the Tampa team. Anderson had a fun time back in week one against the Bucs, throwing for 240 yards and a couple of touchdowns. I’m sure they’re working on building up his chemistry with the receiver corp right now, and I expect Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin to be his safe, dependable targets for a fairly easy victory.
PANTHERS
BMK: [JOKE COMPARING NEWTON’S CAR CRASH TO PANTHER’S SEASON].
PANTHERS
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JETS at TITANS
D.T.: Whoever wins, some poor son of a bitch draft pick loses.
Um… TITANS?
BMK: I’m going with the Jets. Why the fuck not?
JETS
—–
BRONCOS at CHARGERS
D.T.: As predicted, the Chargers suffered defeat at the hands of the Patriots, but not before making Brady plop himself on the field and throw a temper tantrum like a baby. The Chargers are less likely to elicit that type of reaction from Peyton Manning, who is currently enjoying three-win streak, and a cakewalk of a final stretch. Sorry, Phillip, it’s Manning’s year. At least he has other things to fill his heart, like collecting bolo ties. And small children.
“I keep them all in the same closet!”
BRONCOS
BMK: I sort of feel sorry for Philip Rivers. Mostly for his fashion sense, but also for the fact that is one great QB that had the misfortune of playing in the same era and conference as Brady and Manning. He’ll never make it to the big dance. However, he’s photogenic, and has 207 kids, so he’ll be an on-air “personality” enough. Maybe FOX can retire Terry Bradshaw the way Deckard retires Replicants and plug Rivers in there. That way, I can avoid everything that annoys me on Sunday.
BRONCOS
—–
VIKINGS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions enjoyed a leisurely victory against Tampa Bay last week, with Matt Stafford and Friends continuing on the up-trend. Stafford tossed for 311 yards and a hat-trick, while Megatron chalked up 158 yards and a TD. Joique Bell picked up over 80 yards rushing, 50 receiving, and a couple of touchdowns. Bell shows no signs of slowing, even with the return of Reggie Bush, and this trio should have themselves an excellent day against their oft-struggling rivals.
LIONS
BMK: I don’t foresee an upset here. The Lions have a stout defense and a pretty good offense. More than enough to handle Bridgewater and the boys.
LIONS
—–
NINERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: The Niners are done. Colin Kaepernick’s success as a mobile quarterback was only destined to last as long as the small window of opportunity would allow. Which is sad, because the kid has a decent arm and I don’t think he’s the horrible douchebag people* want to believe he is. At any rate, the Niners are in for a massive overhaul in the offseason, and lots of changes – some expected, and likely some painful and unexpected – will occur. This week’s game in Seattle will be the final nail in the coffin for the Harbaugh Era. A team this defeated and dysfunctional doesn’t stand a chance in CenturyLink.
SEAHAWKS
* Bryan
BMK: I’m going with the Niners here.
Seattle is great against the pass but they’re vulnerable against the run. The 40000ft view reason the Seahawks are killing everyone is because most NFL teams have abandoned the concept of power running. Think about it: who, amongst the “elite” teams this season, has a great ground game? No one. Now, the Cowboys and Chiefs both have very good rushing attacks, and guess what? They both beat the Seahawks.
If the Niners can run Frank Gore effectively – and I’m betting they can – they’re going to win the game.
NINERS
—–
COWBOYS at EAGLES
D.T.: Another Thanksgiving Day rematch that didn’t go so well for one of these teams. The ‘Boys may have rebounded with a solid win against the Bears the following week, but they’ll still have the taste of stale turkey and dry stuffing in their mouths. Will they pull off a revenge on the Eagles’ home turf? Tough call. Dallas claims that Romo is in better health and they’ve got the advantage of more time to prepare. While he took pain medication to bolster himself against the Bears, it was decided against shooting Romo up when they played the Eagles on Turkey Day. So, will a drugged up Romo make a world of difference this time around?
“Hey, you guys see them pink elephants? What are those pink elephants doin’ at football?”
Is it smoke and mirrors to excuse themselves from an embarrassing loss? I have trouble thinking the Philly’s earlier win was a fluke, but at the same time, I think Dallas will come out swinging. It might be the most interesting game this week. I’ll go with Philly at home.
EAGLES
BMK: I’m inclined to agree with the Gentleman from Maricopa County. The Cowboys’s main weakness – besides an insane GM – is their defense. I’m pretty sure the Sanchise will rebound from the Seattle loss by beating up on the Boys.
—–
SAINTS at BEARS
D.T.: How will the bizarre story of the NFC South end? The Saints and Falcons duke it out for the dubious honor of first place in the worst division in football, and both come into this week “boasting” 5-8 records. I have serious doubts that the Falcons will best the Steelers, which opens the door for the Saints to secure the lead — at least for this week. But, after their shocking loss against the Panthers last week, who’s to say? In a division as (horribly) competitive as the NFC South right now, I have doubts that New Orleans purposefully took it easy last week in preparation for their final stretch. Any loss, especially in their own division, is dire for their post-season chances, and a possible two-win lead is far preferable than a possible one-win lead.
I’m honestly at a bit of a loss here. Both of these teams are a mess, but the Saint’s upside outweighs the Bears’, so I guess I’ll put my fictional money on Brees.
SAINTS
BMK: The Bears are a complete mess. Their best receiver is out, their QB is a wreck, and their defense puts up about as much fight as Lindsay Lohan does when someone offers her cocaine for sex.
SAINTS
—–
D.T.: And there you have it. Next week, we have football on fuckin’ Saturday, which means four days of waking up hungover and regretful, instead of three. It also means Krol and I have to work harder and faster, since we’ll have less time to crank this bad boy out. A fair trade off!
May the wind always be at your backs, dear readers. And may you always be upwind of Oakland.
BMK: Harder and faster? What are you, my wife, amirite?
This post was written and edited to the Sons of Anarchy and the sounds of men all around me losing their heads…while I was keeping mine…
THUD Picks Week 14
Week 14 — it’s a total dream!
D.T.: I’m going to be straight up, folks. This is not going to be a good week of football. The final stretch of the season – through some weird happenings with scheduling – is chock full of divisional match-ups… and this week is the calm before the storm. While we have Eagles/Cowboys and Seahawks/Niners rematches to look forward to in week 15, this week we have… the Patriots and the Chargers.
Tom Brady’s reaction to being told he can’t simply take next week off.
What say you about this week, dear Krol?
BMK: This week is yet another lineup of blah matches.
Many commentators will point out that this is because of parity in the NFL. And if by parity you mean a sea of mediocrity, then yeah, I agree with you. Anyway…on to the picks.
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COWBOYS at BEARS
Last week, the Bears lost miserably to their feline divisional rivals in the triumphant return of Megatron and Stafford to relevance. Cutler tossed for 280 yards and a pair of touchdowns, but that’s where the good times stopped rolling. Their top rusher for the week, Ka’Deem Carey, maxed out at… 8 yards.
“Y’know what, guys? This has been fun, but I think I’ll go back to U of A.”
Over the last few years, the Bears have dominated the Cowboys, but I don’t see them having a good week this time — even though the ‘Boys themselves had a shitty time against the Eagles last week. Look for the Cowboys to rebound and keep themselves on the Eagles’ heels.
COWBOYS
BMK: I’m going with the Cowboys on this one. I don’t trust the Bears at all or Jay Cutler, and while the Cowboys have some good weaknesses, I don’t think the Bears will be able to exploit them in a meaningful way.
—–
STEELERS at BENGALS
D.T.: Sadly, the Steelers have placed Defensive Lineman and locker room-leader Brett Kiesel on injured reserved, after the big man suffered a torn tricep. That leaves the Steelers defense hurting, alongside my chances of seeing Troy Polamalu use his beard as a staging point for a surprise attack.
“Surprise, motherfuckers!”
Even with the absences of Kiesel, Harrison, Jones and others, they’re still looking better than the unpredictable Bengals team that barely held their own against the Buccaneers last week.
STEELERS
BMK: What in the hell happened to the Bengals? Sadly, the Ginger of Doom is going to fuck this one up good, again.
STEELERS
So I was going for the obvious Dexter Doakes reference, but I found this instead, which is way funnier.
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RAMS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s kind of starting to look like the Rams might catch up the 49ers. They’ve got a forgiving schedule in this home stretch, and it starts off with the Redskins. True, Colt McCoy threw for nearly 400 yards and three touchdowns against the Colts, but Indy’s never been known for having a truly exceptional defense (Vontae Davis notwithstanding). The Rams are garnering a reputation for just that. I’m going to give it to the Rams this week. Mostly because fuck Gruden and Snyder.
RAMS
BMK: This game is one of the more interesting ones this week. There’s a couple of angles here. 1)Will RGIII start? 2) How will Gruden’s obvious contempt for RGII play out the rest of the year, and 3) Can the Rams make some noise in the final stretch of the season? I think they will.
RAMS
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GIANTS at TITANS
D.T.: The Giants will win, and Odell Beckham, Jr. will score nine touchdowns for my fantasy team. Fuck you, a man can dream.
GIANTS
BMK: Without a decent QB, Whisenhunt looks like the Ewok hating poor coach people said he was in AZ.
GIANTS
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PANTHERS at SAINTS
D.T.: Cam Newton is officially a problem. Krol and I like to spout off commentary to one another on Sundays, and one observation I had that I particularly liked (out of hundreds, of course) is that Cam Newton is quietly pulling an RGIII this season. He had himself a nice year last year, and after the first instance of injury, he’s completely lost his confidence and seemingly his will to play and command a game. It’s hard to argue against the idea that the Panthers’ season has fully hinged on his decision to contribute or not. The guy’s got a lot of weapons at his disposal and has forgotten how to put a play together.
The Saints, on the other hand, are slowly starting to remember how to win.
SAINTS
BMK: The Saints should have remembered how to win when they played the 49ers.
Anyway, to extend off DT’s point, I think we’re seeing the end of the whole “Mobile QB’s NOW AND FOREVER!” stage of the NFL’s development. And before any of you jokers out there start pointing out Russell Wilson, let me ask you a question: would Russell Wilson still be Russell Wilson if he had Dallas’s secondary?
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JETS at VIKINGS
D.T.: This game can fuck off. But, because I’m contractually obligated to make football picks, or lose my endorsements…
Actually… shit. Why don’t I have any endorsements?
…VIKINGS. I guess.
BMK: I’ll always endorse you man.
JETS
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RAVENS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: An interesting game, if for no other reason than the chase for the wild card in the playoffs. The Dolphins’ sloppy victory over the Jets put them back in the running, while the Ravens’ narrow loss to the Chargers held them back. Looking at these two teams on paper, I’d say the ‘Fins will take it, but who’s to say how Justin Forsett will handle himself against the 6th-ranked Miami defense? Or if Flacco decides to have himself a day and toss another hat-trick into the endzone?
DOLPHINS
BMK: I’m only two picks away from you and I’ve been picking against the Cardinals all year. So I’m taking the Ravens…AND VICTORY!
Mostly just the Ravens. But speaking of Victory, it’s a great movie. Everyone should see it. It’s worth the price of an XBOX rental just to see the Pele bicycle kick repeated three times while Max Von Sydow looks on dreamily, probably picturing his massive residual checks from Flash Gordon.
RAVENS
—–
COLTS at BROWNS
D.T.: Looks like we may finally have that inevitable Quarterback controversy in Cleveland. After throwing his second of two interceptions into the hands of the Bills, Mike Pettine benched Brian Hoyer in favor of Johnny Manziel, who lead the team’s offensive unit 80 yards to Manizel’s first touchdown as an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t enough to save the team from a defeat, but it was enough for Pettine to take the first half of this week to decide on who to start against the Colts.
Uncertainty and doubt in your team’s on-field leadership is not a great way to wind down a season. They may as well gift-wrap this game as an early present for Christmas.
…or Hanukkah? The beard throws things off a bit.
COLTS
BMK: Manziel was going to play sometime this year. It was only a question of when. I hope it’s sooner rather than later because I want to see this massive douche go down in vinegar scented flames. Seriously, this kid is worse than getting syphilis from an ape at the zoo. Because, in that scenario, you’ll have an ape buddy. And apes are cool.
Of course, you’ll still have syphilis, but hey – it’s better than having Johnny Summer’s Eve as your starting QB.
COLTS
—–
BUCCANEERS at LIONS
D.T.: The Lions finally got their shit together last week and pummeled the Bears. If they can hold it down, this’ll be a nice boost for them in the narrow NFC North race.
LIONS
BMK: This should be an easy win for the Lions. Which is why I’m nervous. Not nervous enough to pick Buccaneers, but I’ll be scared all of Sunday. And not just because I’m planning an A Nightmare on Elm St. movie marathon at my sleep over tonight, either.
LIONS
—–
TEXANS at JAGUARS
D.T.: I think it’s time for our weekly KrolFact™.
TEXANS
BMK: Currahee Mountain is a mountain located in Stephens County, Georgia near Toccoa. The name appears to be derived from the Cherokee word ᏊᏩᎯ (quu-wa-hi) meaning “stand alone.” Technically a part of the Georgia Piedmont or “foothill” province, Currahee Mountain rises abruptly about 800 vertical feet (240 m) above the local topography and is the highest peak in Stephens County. Part of the mountain is in the Chattahoochee National Forest. On clear days, the peak’s 1,735-foot (529 m) summit is visible for many miles and is a prominent landmark to the southeast of Georgia’s Blue Ridge Mountain crest.
The mountain was made famous internationally by Tom Hanks’ and Steven Spielberg’s television miniseries Band of Brothers, in which it was featured as a training site of the American Paratroopers at Camp Toccoa, Georgia where they ran up and down Currahee. The name of the mountain became the motto for these paratroopers including the famous quote: “3 Miles up, 3 Miles down”. The nickname of the 506th Infantry Regiment, of which Easy Company was a part of, is “Currahee”.
TEXANS
—–
BILLS at BRONCOS
D.T.: You got another one for us, Krol?
BRONCOS
BMK: No.
BRONCOS
—–
CHIEFS at CARDINALS
D.T.: What started off as a promising, almost meteoric rise of a season for the Cardinals has leveled off, and ever-mounting injuries now threaten what looked like a clear path to the playoffs. Safety Tyrann Mathieu, Offensive Tackle Jared Veldheer and Running Back Andre Ellington are the latest victims, each taking a huge chunk of their respective unit’s effectiveness with them.
There was real opportunity to bounce back against the weak Falcons defense, and the Cardinals offensive unit failed to meet the challenge. Quarterback Drew Stanton looks wholly under-confident, and the possibility of losing Jared Veldheer for a week or more leaves him exposed and likely running for his life against the Chiefs defense. With the Arizona defense currently under-performing, the doors open wide for Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles to have themselves a nice day in the perfect Arizona weather.
CHIEFS
BMK: Perfect weather my ass. It’s still too hot in that God forsaken state.
Anyway, I’m going with the Cardinals on this one. I got a gut feeling they’ll have a decent game again. Especially since Fitzgerald is playing.
CARDINALS
—–
SEAHAWKS at EAGLES
D.T.: Okay, now it’s fair to say the Seahawks are enjoying a return to Championship form — at least on defense. I wasn’t wholly impressed with their sloppy win against Arizona (bias notwithstanding), but that secondary’s performance against San Francisco on Turkey Day was energized.
“Mmm, roasted Kaepernick. Just like mom used to make.”
Holding the Niners to a single touchdown, and causing a Thanksgiving-serving of turnovers lead the Seattle squad to a 19-3 victory. We’ll see how this revitalized defense holds up against the renaissance the Eagles offense celebrated last week as Mark Sanchez and LeSean McCoy lead their team to a shocking 33-10 victory over the Cowboys. Sanchez looks to be in control — perhaps overly so, as we saw him yelling at his receivers in Manning-like fashion, and even popping Riley Cooper with the ball after twice failing to run the correct route.
“If he screws up again, I’ll shove the ball up his ass. Wait, hold on…”
Taking all things into consideration, the Eagles of week 14 are decidedly not the Niners of week 13. As much traction as their defense may be gaining, the Seahawks will find a whole new challenge in a Philly offense that’s rediscovered their confidence. Just to make things interesting, I give it to the Eagles.
EAGLES
BMK: DT makes some good points, but we’ve seen what Seattle’s secondary can do to really good QBs, and while I like the Sanchise, he’s no Peyton Manning. Hell, he’s no Peyton Reed*. So I’m expecting a large type Seattle victory here.
SEAHAWKS
*I don’t get it either.
—–
NINERS at RAIDERS
D.T.: God damn, Saint Louis. You snatched up the little bit of dignity the Raiders had secured for themselves, and ate it slowly, salivating and moaning as they watched on in tears. I love you for that. Will the Niners be able to do the same? After the last couple of weeks they’ve had, I don’t know. I do think they’ll win, however, but by a margin much more respectable for the Raiders.
NINERS
BMK: Ugh. This game. I was thinking about attending it in person but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, and Raiders tickets – normally hovering in the 35 dollar a head range – jumped up about a 100 bucks at the minimum. So I guess I’ll need to find a way to expose myself to sub-moronic, thickheaded numbskulls beating each other up in a completely disgusting venue.
Maybe I’ll have lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.
NINERS
—–
PATRIOTS at CHARGERS
D.T.: And so ends the Chargers season. They managed to surprise us with a one-point win against the Ravens, but their last four games (Patriots, Broncos, Niners, Chiefs) will see to it that they don’t catch up to their divisional rivals. It’s the Chiefs and Broncos who will take the AFC West, and the Patriots will have an easier time against Filipe Rios and his band of cohorts than they did in Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood last week.
“I object! On the grounds of fuck you!”
PATRIOTS
BMK: I don’t think the Chargers season ends here. Their last four games are tough, true, but I think the Chargers can beat both the Niners and the Chiefs. What’s more – they HAVE to.
They won’t beat the Patriots here though.
PATRIOTS
—–
FALCONS at PACKERS
D.T.: The week wraps up with another dud waiting to happen. I mean, really. This game is like a reward for the Packers for beating the Patriots last week. Eddie Lacy is going to truck through injured Desmond Trufant, then pick him up and eat him as a snack on the way to the end zone. And still be hungry. Aaron Rodgers is going to play with his helmet on backwards. Jordy Nelson is going to staple pictures of himself having sex with the Falcons’ Cornerbacks to the back of his jersey, and even that won’t motivate them keep up. I’m exaggerating, but —
“No, no, keep going. I especially like the part about sex.”
— this is a lame match-up to end a terrible week. This isn’t even going to be interesting if you’re a Packers fan. I feel bad for the guy in my fantasy league who has to play the Packers homer who drafted Rodgers and Nelson. That dude’s going to lose in the first round of the playoffs. This game is just going to fuck everyone’s week up.
PACKERS
BMK: Let’s see, the Falcons are iffy on the road, iffy in the cold, and iffy on defense. Yeah, they’re beating the eventual Superbowl Champions…
PACKERS
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D.T.: Let’s wrap up the week with a tribute to the winning-est teams from Week 13!
Still better than any cheerleader I’ve seen.
BMK: Thanks again for reading us folks. Next week it’ll be better…I promise.
This post was written/compiled while listening to The Return of the King soundtrack and a little voice inside my head saying don’t look back, you can never look back.
Ruminations, etc.. 