Archive for November 2014
THUD Picks Week 13
Week Thirteen…It’s a total SCREAM!
D.T.: Well, it happened. The Raiders finally won a game. They also very nearly managed to lose it with 30 seconds on the clock by acting like fools and celebrating while Alex Smith hurried the Chiefs offense to the line. How cruel and hysterical it would have been if the Raiders had secured a four point lead, then drawn a penalty or allowed Smith’s offense to bomb a pass through their distracted defense. We’d be talking about it for the rest of the year, rather than having already forgotten that they won.
But this 14 year old fan who made it past security will never forget.
We have a lot to be thankful for on this, the week in which we thankfully give thanks. We have three – count ’em, three – excellent, meaningful divisional match-ups on Thanksgiving, and a handful of games on Sunday that just might turn out to be great, as well. Let’s get to it, folks!
BMK: The Raiders won a game. LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD! HA!
Anyway, the Holidays got away from me this week kids, so I asked some friends to help out. Hope you enjoy it.
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BEARS at LIONS
D.T.: Kicking off Turkey Day (and saying “go fuck yourself, Macy’s Parade” for those of you on the West coast) we have an early NFC grudge match in Detroit. While we feast on Thursday, the Lions feasted last week on humble pie with a side of shame, having been smacked down by the Patriots 34-9. Highlights included LeGarette Blount’s two-touchdown re-arrival to the New England squad, and Gronkowski burying the hatchet with Sergio Brown (credited with busting Gronk’s arm, if you’ll recall) and bonding over showing him how an NBC camera works.
“Hey-bro-come-take-a-look-at-this-it’ll-be-awesome-I-promise!”
It was a devastating loss, while the Bears recovered some semblance of self-respect by not allowing the Buccaneers a victory. It’s hard to say exactly how this one will play out. Detroit’s offense is sinking fast, and their defense couldn’t hold it together against an on-fire New England squad. A Bears win means they’re just one game out from the Lions’ second-place spot in the division, and it keeps them alive for another week. If the Lions want to stay safe, they have GOT to find a way to get their offense going again. If they can sort their shit out and get their excellent receiver corps involved, they’ll take it.
LIONS
BMK: Marshawn, who do you like in this match up? Bears or Lions?
ML: Yeah.
BEARS
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EAGLES at COWBOYS
D.T.: An incredibly meaningful NFC East match-up. Both teams currently sit at 8-3 (tied with Green Bay for first place), and from this game on, we’ll see how the playoff picture comes together for this division. If Green Bay loses against the Patriots, the winner of this game in Dallas could find themselves in 1st place and complicate things for the Pack, who are currently projected as the number two seed. How will the Eagles cause an upset and pull this out?
By calling this guy every five minutes to see if his collarbone is still broken.
Really, though… I’m not a believer in Sanchez. I don’t think he’s got what it takes to march into Dallas in a super-high pressure game and go up against the Cowboys defense. I think it’s here that the bubble will burst, and Romo’s unit will control the game. Sorry, Mark.
COWBOYS
BMK: So how about this one, Marshawn?
ML: Yeah.
COWBOYS
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SEAHAWKS at 49ERS
D.T.: I don’t know if I agree with the general media saying that the Seahawks’ victory over Arizona last week was a “triumphant” return to last year’s glory. Frankly, both teams looked like shit, but Seattle managed to pull it together in the second half. The Niners, on the other hand, barely managed a win against the woefully-broken Redskins. What I see happening here is desperation mode for both teams. They’re both sitting at 7-4, two games behind the Cardinals, and the loser here probably won’t catch up with the difficult final stretch ahead of them. I think the Seahawks’ win at home last week brought back some of their swagger, and looking at Richard Sherman’s hilarious press conference last week in defense of Marshawn Lynch, I’d say their locker room has been in higher spirits this week than it’s been all season. A stark contrast to the continued doom and gloom coming from the bay. In a battle of morale and heart, I give it to Seattle.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Okay Marshawn, I know you might be tempted to go with the Niners here, but what are your thoughts on the game?
ML: I don’t know.
BMK: Really?
ML: Yeah.
SEAHAWKS
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REDSKINS at COLTS
D.T.: …and here we go, past the glorious Thursday schedule, into the less exciting parts of the Sunday that awaits. The situation in DC continues to worsen, as the ‘Skins are still playing a game of revolving quarterbacks. Colt McCoy is believed to start this week against the Colts, hosting at home in Indy. I wonder how many people are digging for a Dan Snyder scandal so they can mount a Donald Sterling-esque coup and wrest the team from him. Frankly, I don’t think anyone would object. It’s going to be the Colts, in a massive rebound after their bizarre kind-of-win against Jacksonville last week.
COLTS
BMK: For this one I reached out to Drew McWeeney and Harry Knowles. Fellas?
DW: My sources tell me the Colts are going to take this one.
HK: Nope, sorry. My sources at the NFL tell me the Redskins.
DW: Thanks for telling me I’m wrong.
HK: I never said that you were wrong! Just that your sources are wrong. My 100% confirmed non-denialable sources are right.
DW: Whatever. Thanks for taking a drive-by shit on me.
HK: Listen to me, I MADE you, bitch.
DW: The only thing you made was a crappy YouTube series. And only one season at that.
HK: Yeah, so when’s Post-Human coming out? I keep looking for it at the Alamo Drafthouse, but it’s never there…
BMK: Okay, fellas, relax. Who’s going to win the game?
(Both shrug)
HK: Who knows.
DW: Yeah, sports are icky.
COLTS
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TITANS at TEXANS
D.T.: Fun fact about Houston: their defense has scored a touchdown in every home game they’ve played this season. Which is good, because with Ryan Mallett out with injury, Ryan Fitzpatrick back under center…
Seen here demonstrating proper chin strap protocol.
…and Arian Foster’s status still uncertain, they may not score points otherwise. However… the Texans are still alive in the hunt. Their best (and probably only) chance to get into the post season is to keep winning and try to steal the division from the Colts. It’s probably not going to happen, but they’re playing for a hell of a lot more than the already-eliminated Titans. That, coupled with the fact that it’s a home game, leaves me expecting a Houston win.
TEXANS
BMK: So I emailed Nick Nunziata to make this pick. He never emailed back.
TEXANS
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BROWNS at BILLS
D.T.: One of the absolute travesties of this season was the denial of a ridiculous snow bowl game in Buffalo. Instead, what we got as a consolation prize was an unceremonious pummeling of the Jets and their official (but wholly expected) ejection from anything resembling a post-season. The Bills return to Ralph Wilson stadium and host the 7-4 Browns, who are looking for some way to break the incredible 4-way tie in the AFC North. Browns Quarterback, Brian Hoyer, didn’t fare terribly well last week — he threw for over 300 yards, but failed to connect in the end zone, and tossed three interceptions. Going up against a defense known for creating turnovers in the air, I spell more trouble for Hoyer the Destroyer. I see the Bills continuing on their heroic streak for now… but by a narrow margin.
BILLS
BMK: I then emailed Jeremy Butler about this pick. He said sure, but then never emailed me back.
BROWNS
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CHARGERS at RAVENS
D.T.: I’m going to be blunt: the Chargers are doomed. Regardless of the outcome of this game, the last leg of their season is brutal, and they’re going to drown. Sorry, Philip Rivers.
Philip Rivers trying to kill me with his mind. Hasn’t worked before; won’t work this time.
In that aforementioned 7-game tie in the AFC North, the Ravens have a hell of a lot more to play for. What I see as being a very winnable game for them opens up a very safe finish to their season. The gateway to that is a win against a team that almost lost to the Raiders, and barely beat the Rams. It’s the Ravens at home.
RAVENS
BMK: I had no idea who to pick for this game, so I asked my buddy Film Critic Hulk. Hulk?
FCH: THANK YOU BRYAN. FOR THIS GAME, HULK HAS TO GO BACK TO THE VERY BEGINNING. FOOTBALL, AS A SPORT, WAS FIRST CONCIEVED OF WHEN PRE-VERBAL MALAYSIAN GOAT HERDERS SAW A VISAGE OF THE IRON SHIEK DANCING AMONGST THE SPARE DROPLETS OF MORNING DEW GLISTENING OFF OF THEIR LOVER’S BUTTOCKS. THIS WAS IN 1993. AFTER THAT VISION, A LEARNED COUNCIL CONSISTING OF OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, BO DIDDLEY, AND A COMPUTER PROGRAMMED TO IMITATE THE GREAT CONQUISTADOR CORONADO, MET FOR LUNCH A THE FAMOUS RUSSIAN TEA ROOM IN DOWNTOWN COUNCIL BLUFFS IOWA. THIS WAS WHERE THE TUCK RULE WAS BORN. HULK DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT NAME THOUGH, BECAUSE NOTHING IS EVER TUCKED IN SOCCER, WHICH IS THE SPIRITUAL GUIDING LIGHT OF BOTH THE FAMOUS GAME OF FOOTBALL AND THE TWISTING NARRATIVE OF GENERAL HOSPITAL.
AFTER THAT LEARNED COUNCIL MET, THEY ALL TIED A TURNIP TO THEIR BELTS, WHICH WAS THE STYLE AT THE TIME, AND CONCOCTED THE GREAT COLD FUSION SCAM OF THE EARLY 80S. HULK WONDERS HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THIS LEARNED COUNCIL WAS MEETING IN EARLY 2002. WELL, ACCORDING TO HULK’S UNCLE, TED BANNER, THIS LEARNED COUNCIL RAN INTO STEPHEN HAWKING IN A BAR. HAWKING WAS HUSTLING REDNECKS IN A LINE DANCING CONTEST, AS IS HIS HOBBY. NOW, AS HULK UNDERSTANDS IT, AND HOW YOU SHOULD INTERPRET THIS, IS THAT HAWKING DIDN’T SO MUCH INVENT A TIME MACHINE AS MUCH AS HE UNCOVERED IT. THAT’S RIGHT. HULK IS SAYING HAWKING UNCOVERED A TIME MACHINE. IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE BAR. HIS WHEELCHAIR GOT CAUGHT IN THE SHEET COVERING IT.
THIS LEARNED COUNCIL THEN TRAVELED BACK IN TIME AND MET WITH MATT GROENING. BO DIDDLEY THEN SHOT MATT GROENING WITH A .22 CALIBER PISTOL. IT WAS THEN THAT GROENING CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY BECOME THE TV SHOW THAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE: NIGHTLINE.
OLIVIA NETWON JOHN THEN WENT EVEN FURTHER BACK IN TIME AND STEPPED ON A BUTTERFLY. THIS CAUSED THE GAME OF FOOTBALL TO BE INVENTED IN 1869 AT YALE. THIS ALSO CAUSED HOLLYWOOD TO FILM A MISUNDERSTOOD FILM NAMED THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, STARING ASHTON KUTCHER
FOOTBALL HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE LATE 19TH CENTURY, BUT IT WAS PERFECTED IN THE 90S BY THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
GETTING BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT…HULK UNDERSTANDS THAT MOST PEOPLE KNOW THIS TO BE A CRAPPY MOVIE. IT DID POORLY IN THE BOX OFFICE AND FEATURES A MORBIDLY OBESE ETHAN SUPPLEE, FRESH OFF HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE IN KEVIN SMITH’S MALLRATS. BUT HULK WANTS TO CHALLENGE YOU TO BELIEVE IN HULK’S GREATER PERCEPTION OF FILM THAN YOU POSSESS. RATHER THAN THINKING THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS A CRAPPY MOVIE MADE FROM A CRAPPY IDEA AND FEATURING A TERRRIBLE SCRIPT, HULK WANTS YOU TO LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS. NO, NOT THE SUB-TEXT. EVEN FURTHER. HULK WANTS TO LOOK INTO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT. SERIOUSLY, THIS TEXT IS SO SUB THAT IT LIKES TO BE SPANKED BY A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A SITH LORD.
SEE? HULK HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.
BUT, GOING BACK TO THE SUB-SUB-TEXT OF THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, HULK SEES THAT ASHTON KUTCHER IS USED AS A CHRIST FIGURE. BUT NOT THE BIBLICAL CHRIST FIGURE. THE CHRIST FIGURE THAT FORMED THE MORMON CHURCH, INSPIRTED SCIENTOLOGY, AND PLAYED GUITAR IN DANZIG’S BAND IN THE EARLY 90S. HULK KNOWS THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THIS YET, SINCE YOU ARE NOT ON HULK’S LEVEL OF UNDERSTAND OF FILM, LIFE, AND THE FINE BARREL AGED WHISKEY THAT SOPHISTICATED ASIAN WOMEN LIKE TO DRINK TO ENHANCE THEIR MYSTERY AND DESIRABILITY, AND WHO LIKE TO RUN AWAY AFTER HULK BUYS THEM A DRINK AT THE BAR.
YOUR FRIEND HAS A FLAT TIRE MY GREEN GAMMA IRRADIATED ASS!
BUT BACK TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT. OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, TWO AND A HALF CHRISTS.
SEE, IN HULK’S INTERPETATION, WHICH IS THE ONLY CORRECT INTERPRETATION (AND THIS IS THE ONLY CORRECT WAY TO SPELL INTERPRETATION, AND THAT’S HULK’S WAY), KUTCHER BECOMES A MYTHICAL SPACE CHRIST TO RIGHT THE WRONGS PERPETRATED ON THE FILM INDUSTRY BY METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER, THE HOUSE OF UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES, AND FRANK MILLER (AND BY THE WAY, DID YOU WATCH ROBOCOP 2 LAST NIGHT ON TCM? ROBOCOP’S METAPHOR OF THE LIMITS OF US POWER CONSTANTLY CRACKED HULK UP). IN THIS REGARD, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL FILMS EVER PUT TO LENS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS WORLD….OR THE NEXT!
BMK: That’s great, Hulk. Who do you like in this game?
FCH: HULK DOESN’T KNOW. SPORTS ARE ICKY.
CHARGERS
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GIANTS at JAGUARS
D.T.: This game has the makings of a real upset, and should scare the shit out of Eli Manning.
“Well… every game is kinda scary, D.T.”
Despite the fact that they simply can’t win, a lot of Jacksonville’s match-ups have left people looking at them sideways. This is going to be one of those games. The Giants continue to be shaky, despite some miraculous shit…
Stuff like this isn’t supposed to happen outside of Disney movies starting Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
…and it’s difficult to predict if they’re going to be terrible and win or just terrible. I think the Giants will stick it out and come away with a win, but don’t expect this to be a cut-and-dry victory. We’re going to see some sloppy shit, and maybe Jacksonville’s last death rattle.
GIANTS
BMK: Take it away, Duke Fleed…
DF: In this week’s football con…test, the Giants will stride OVER the Jaguars.
BMK: Why do you post like that, anyway?
DF: I had…a stroke…of GOOD LUCK.
BMK: I don’t know who I hate more: me or you.
DF: Probably you. Since I’m beating you in picks.
GIANTS
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BENGALS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: Another fun fact! The Buccaneers are one game away from the first pick in the 2015 NFL draft… and two games away from the playoffs. What the ever-living-fuck, NFC South?
Whatever. At least I don’t have to say much about this game, which I’m thankful for because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel, talking about all the games this week.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, now, Mr. Richard Dickson, would you like to talk about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this week?
…
Richard?
…
Oh well…
BENGALS
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RAIDERS at RAMS
D.T.: I spoke too soon. Oh, sweet relief for these wrists of mine.
RAMS
BMK: For this pick, I interviewed this guy, who was picking up trash along the side of the road.
His name is Perceval.
BMK: So, Perceval, who do you like this week?
P: Perceval sad.
BMK: Aw, why is Perceval sad?
P: Raiders no good.
BMK: Well, they’ll be good again, Perceval. Like when they move to San –
P: DON’T SAY THAT NAME! PERCEVAL DON’T LIKE THAT NAME! ARRGGGHH!
BMK: I’m sorry P, I didn’t mean anything by it.
P: It’s okay, Perceval has anger issues. It’s why Perceval was kicked out of Ph.D. program at Brown.
RAMS
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SAINTS at STEELERS
D.T.: I feel bad for the Saints. The weight of coming into a season with the expectation of being a real contender for the post-season, and putting up a 4-7 season so far must be crushing. And it would be even more crushing if that 4-7 season didn’t still hold some real promise of carrying them into the fucking post season.
“Wait, what? We still got a shot at this fucker?”
Though, I don’t expect them to best the Steelers this week and somehow take advantage of it. Last week, they let Justin Forsett run the ball for over 180 yards, and this week they have to contend with powerhouse Le’Veon Bell. Brees performed admirably against the Ravens, but even three touchdown passes and over 400 yards in the air weren’t enough to put a win together. The Steelers are likely to beat them by air and by land.
STEELERS
BMK: I don’t feel bad for the Saints. I feel bad for my friends who like the Saints. The Saints have no troubles at all. Most of them are millionaires and they live in New Orleans. Which is like Tijuana, only with more dysentery and corruption.
STEELERS
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PANTHERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: Cam Newton will decide this game. If he plays like a professional quarterback, I see the Panthers taking it. If he plays like 2014 Cam Newton, it’ll be close. Let’s give Cam the benefit of the doubt one more time.
Mostly because I hate seeing this kid go to waste.
PANTHERS
BMK: Most people think writing a football column is easy. And it is, if you half-ass it like me and fill it up with stupid “jokes.”
But sometimes it gets hard. Case-in-point: this game. Who the hell do you pick in this match-up? It’s like watching two mentally challenged homeless people have a slap-fight. Or like reading a AICN Talkbacker trying to make a cogent argument. It’s sad, it’s exploitative, and you feel a little bit dirty watching it…but…you can’t look away!
So who’s going to win this monumental suckfest? Your guess is as good as mine, if not better. In fact, I’d wager it’s better.
VIKINGS
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CARDINALS at FALCONS
D.T.: Battle of the Black and Red Birds. After their defeat in Seattle last week, the Cardinals are hungry to bounce back and keep their projection for the first seed in the NFC alive. Atlanta’s not a bad team to rebound against, either — they’re kind of like that mousy girl who works at the library who never really caught your eye until your girlfriend dumped you.
The Falcons’ defense is dead last. It’s Drew Stanton’s time to shine and improve the franchise’s playoff outlook. If he can make that happen — even in Larry Fitzgerald’s absence — and Andre Ellington can march through and energize the run game, they can hit 10-2 and further cement that sweet first seed.
CARDINALS
BMK: Last week hurt. I’m hoping that the Cardinals offense stalling for the last seven quarters is an aberration and the result of them facing two very good, if not elite, defenses in a row. Fitzgerald being out probably had a lot to do with that too, since John and Jaron Brown, while good receivers, are not going to strike the fear into the heart of a secondary like Seattle’s. Fitz and Floyd create match-up problems when they’re both on the field, but take one away and you get what they got on last Sunday.
Anyway, I’m picking the Falcons here because, hey, why stop a good pattern. Plus I’m afraid to pick the Cardinals.
FALCONS
PS: I know that I did the last couple as me. Deal with it. Especially with the next we have…
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PATRIOTS at PACKERS
D.T.: Other games this week hold more meaning in the grand scheme of the 2014 season but let’s be honest: this is by far the flashiest and the most high profile. Two Quarterbacks who help define the term “elite”, both having excellent seasons and quite possibly at least one of them Super Bowl-bound. But we’re also looking at two iffy defenses, so what this’ll come down to is an offensive slug-fest. Tom and his friend Rob are crashing Aaron and Jordy’s party, and then intend to fuck up the carpet, set the drapes on fire and miss the toilet by a foot.
Which, let’s be honest, is a pretty typical weekend for this guy.
Here’s how I see this going down: both teams have an excellent first half, and Rodgers will tire out his offensive unit by refusing to make substitutions. Bill Belichick, loving to do things by committee and change rate of play when necessary, will have his Patriots offense much more energetic as the clock ticks down. Eddie Lacy will wind down and be ready for a nap before the fourth quarter, while Vereen, Gray and Blount will still be ready to go. I mean yes, it’s Aaron Rodgers at home… but the Patriots haven’t lost a game in two months. Two months.
Bold prediction: Gronkowski sustains an injury in this game. It’s a terrible thing to say, but he’s due for one.
PATRIOTS
BMK: Take it away, John Gruden…
JG: Hey thanks Bryan. You know, I like this game. A lot. Two absolute Titans at their positions playing that the absolute height of their game, you know Jaws –
BMK: Bryan
JG: Like I was saying Jaws, you just don’t get much better than Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers. I really like Tom Brady. He’s an amazing football player and all around great human being, why sometimes I call him when my wife’s out of town, did you know that, Jaws?
And Aaron Rodgers? Boy, don’t get me started on Aaron Rodgers, he makes the rest of us look like we’ve been living on Mars for the last ten years or so.
BMK: So who do you like in this game?
JG: I don’t know. Sports are icky.
PACKERS
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BRONCOS at CHIEFS
D.T.: A year ago, I was watching this exact same match-up at the exact same point in the season, in a brewery in Downtown Denver. The Broncos struggled, as they always do in pressure, but ended up rallying for a victory in the end (35-28). I expect this game to play out just like that, because these two teams are neck and neck in the AFC West. Peyton Manning doesn’t do well when he’s uncomfortable, and it’s going to be 48 degrees in an open stadium that’s loud as hell. I’m going to be bold, and say the Chiefs take a narrow victory this time around.
CHIEFS
BMK: I think you’re right on the upset, but I need to gain ground on you, so….
BRONCOS
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DOLPHINS at JETS
D.T.: Geno Smith is back under center. Rex Ryan is definitely getting shit-canned. They’re going to lose in front of a national audience on prime time, when everyone’s already bummed about being back at work after a four day weekend. All is as it should be in New York.
DOLPHINS
BMK: This is the Monday night game? It’s like Goddell is trolling us…
DOLPHINS
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D.T.: And there it is. Shit gets real from here on out, folks. We’ve got some really bizarre things happening in several divisions, and we’re going to see some serious do-or-die competition for playoff seeding. I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. And this week, I didn’t forget about the graphics! In fact, I drove to the office this morning on Thanksgiving to make sure we’d have them. That’s how thankful I am for this article, and my esteemed partner. Cheers man, and have a fantastic holiday!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and be safe in your holiday travels. Goodnight!
PS – the office is on my way to a last-minute liquor run for dinner today.
BMK: I’m just thankful this column is over for this week. It was hard. :`-(
THUD NFL Picks Week 12
Week Twelve…it’s time to delve!
WEEK TWELVE
D.T.: Week 12 is upon us. The Raiders are the very first team officially out of running for the post-season, and they’ve completed a full calendar year since their first win. Happy anniversary!
Week 11 shocked the hell out of a lot of people — especially those with predispositions to wearing orange. The Broncos lost an absolute stunner against the Rams, putting the Chiefs in a key position to actually take the lead in the AFC West. The Texans pulled somewhat of an upset, as former Tom Brady-shadow and clipboard commando, Ryan Mallett, claimed his first starting victory over the Browns with a little help from his new friend JJ Watt. And not least of all, fans of the Bengals received quite a shock when their team marched into New Orleans and left the Saints in shambles.
But it’s cool. This guy totally got back at them by stealing from a girl.
Overall, it was a fine week of football, and week 12 should be interesting, as well!
BMK: So last week was the first week ever where the NFL had multiple matchups of teams that were over .666 in winning percentage. How did that go?
For the most part, it was sort of meh. So let that be a lesson to you young whippersnappers out there: multiples aren’t always a good thing!
The Green Bay destroyed the Eagles, continuing the trend of Green Bay’s regular season dominance. I’m still not impressed by them as a whole (gaudy stats aside). What has Green Bay done in the playoffs (or for me) lately? Nothing. That’s what. They’re a team built for regular season dominance. They’re like a team composed of nothing but Peyton Mannings: build for speed but not to last. Paging Roy Batty…
I want more playoff wins…father.
The Patriots obliterated the Colts. Unleashing a serious of dumb Gronk jokes. That dude is quickly working my last nerve…
And the Cardinals beat the Lions. Which was really cool, if you should ask me. Although you could’ve turned the game off in the first ten minutes of the first quarter. Oh well, a win is a win, right?
Off to the picks!
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CHIEFS at RAIDERS
D.T.: …but, not so fast. First, we have to slog through yet another shitty Thursday Night Football game, wherein the Oakland Raiders stab hated rivals the Denver Broncos by allowing the Chiefs and easy win and the number one spot in the division, for at least a couple of days.
No witty joke here. I just find Raiders owner Mark Davis fucking hilarious.
CHIEFS
BMK: For those of you that don’t know about the behind the scenes machinations of this column, let me give you a quick n dirty on how this wonderfulness is brought to you ever week…
Usually around Wednesday, DT will send me his picks and pictures. I spend the rest of the day pissed off because his stuff is so thoughtful and funny. Then, sometime Thursday afternoon, after I’ve been kicked out of Jim’s in Union City, I stumble home drunk and I write my portion. I then post the column, irritated that I’ve added very little value and pissed off at CHUD for their passive aggressive treatment of this here sports column.
Why is any of this important?
Because I want you understand the absolute shock I went through when I saw that picture of Mark Davis. Imagining opening your email to THAT. The Raiders are “only” worth 787 billlion dollars, which is dead last in the NFL, but even at such Pauper’s wages, can’t this motherfucker afford to hire a stylist? Pro-tip Marky: bowl cuts look creepy after the age of 6. I’m bald and even I don’t covet that strawberry mop you have on your head. Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh, uh, yeah, the Chiefs will win.
CHIEFS
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BROWNS at FALCONS
D.T.:
The Browns welcome back star Wide Receiver Josh Gordon this week, as they take on the Falcons. Josh Gordon’s has had quite the season, so far: I hear he almost sold a Ford Focus — then the customer realized he had misheard Gordon and was not being invited to “Go Smoke Dis”. Gordon should find success upon returning to his Cleveland squad: the team was enjoying a three-win streak until being stopped short by the Texans. Atlanta, on the other hand managed to squeak out a win, despite themselves, against an ever-ailing Panthers team. Cam Newton provided very little resistance to Matt Ryan and his Falcons, and has admitted his poor performance has been to due injury. I think there’s more to it, but at least Carolina has a bye week to sort things out. Getting back on track, I see the Browns commanding this game in Atlanta, and sticking another feather in their caps.
Because birds have feathers. GET IT?!
“Damn, D.T., you even higher than me.”
BROWNS
BMK: Karlos “Nosferatu” Dansby just announced he’ll be rehabbing his sprained MCL like a vampire. Meaning he’ll be eating lots of lobster and mashed potatoes. Uh…wot?
“Must have lobster!”
BROWNS
—–
TITANS at EAGLES
D.T.: I think we’re all impressed with Zach Mettenberger at this point. The kid went from getting wiped out and taunted by JJ Watt the previous week to standing toe-to-toe with Ben Roethelisberger, and out-throwing him by 60 yards and a touchdown. The Steelers would ultimately take a frustrating win over the Titans, however, as they’d claim a 3 point lead and cling to it by running the ball for the entire fourth quarter. Still, the Titans have to be riding high right now, and their secondary put on a fine display Monday night. They sacked Big Ben five times, and held him to just over 200 yards passing, and this week, they’re up against another powerhouse offense in the Eagles. Philly was smacked down pretty hard by the Packers, but it wasn’t the fault of Mark Sanchez, who actually edged out Aaron Rodgers in passing yards. The Eagles defense simply couldn’t contain the Green Bay offensive unit — however, Mettenberger is no Rodgers, and the Titans defense will have a harder time keeping up with Philly’s multi-threat offense. I think Philadelphia will walk away with this one.
EAGLES
BMK: Okay, so maybe last week was the wrong week to declare my love for the Sanchise. But, as DT pointed out above, he didn’t do so bad in last week’s beat down. This week he should do even better and come away with a ‘W.’ But who cares? Philadelphia is still Philadelphia and Philadelphia sucks.
EAGLES
—–
LIONS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: The Lions had a tough time of it in Arizona, where the Cardinals defense held them to zero touchdowns in all four quarters, and their next stop on this road trip is the home of yet another solid passing defense. We’ve all be looking for Calvin Johnson to make his fabled comeback, but against top-tier backfields and this late in the season, he’s hard-pressed to make it happen. I read a pretty in-depth report today about how the Lions’ offense is struggling so much because of conservative play-calling, and a focus on short throws. That was all fine and well back when they only had one wide-out of note, and he was pulling coverage. Now that they have two excellent receivers out there, it’s time to make shit happen. Lombardi needs to let Stafford do what Stafford does best, and that’s connect with his receivers on deep balls.
Let this guy get balls deep, Lombardi.
Still… it’s the damned Patriots. As good as the Lions’ defense is, nothing seems to contain the continuing saga of the Brady-Gronkowski Bromance. The team is on fire, and they’re going to win.
PATRIOTS
BMK: If this game were in Detroit I’d be more inclined to give it to them, since Detroit’s defense is still pretty badass. But New England generally doesn’t lose at home, so….
PATRIOTS
—–
PACKERS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The first meeting these two teams had resulted in the first collective “Oh… fuck…” from spectators the country over. It was then that we knew Rodgers was back in top form, and we’d see some special things out of him this season. Last week, he was laughing so hard at the Eagles defense that they’ve since made a public issue of it. Expect Rodgers to just flat out piss himself laughing this week. And expect Teddy to piss himself when he sees Clay Matthews playing inside linebacker again.
Maybe more than piss.
PACKERS
BMK: I think I covered the Packers pretty well in the opening remarks. As for the Vikings? Feh. This aint their year.
PACKERS
—–
JAGUARS at COLTS
D.T.: There are two things more shameful than the Jacksonville Jaguars. One is the Oakland Raiders.
The other is this guy’s denim jacket.
COLTS
BMK: The third thing more shameful than the Jaguars is how I spent my 20s…
What can I say…it paid well.
COLTS
—–
BENGALS at TEXANS
D.T.: Oof. After last week’s games, this one’s hard to pick a winner for. Ryan Mallett showed real promise in his first outing, and the Texans are willing to pull out every trick in the book to win. Andy Dalton is inconsistent as hell, the Bengals are playing barely acceptable football, and yet they’re still 6-3-1. I’m inclined to call the Browns a harder team to beat than the Bengals now, and I think if the Texans can keep up that creativity and fearlessness, they can pull out a win.
TEXANS
BMK: Gah! Who do you trust here? The Ginger of Doom or Ryan “The Hammer” Mallett?
Of course, neither is an appropriate answer too. The Texans still have JJ Watt. So I guess I’ll go with them this week.
TEXANS
—–
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: As of right now, the Bills organization is offering $10 an hour and free tickets to help shovel snow… and Buffalo is expecting seven feet of snow for the game. SEVEN FEET. Watching players run the field is going to be like looking at those little pin things moving around in a freshly-shaken Etch-A-Sketch. The Bills are unable to even practice because they can’t get to the facility. This game is going to be wildly entertaining because there’s a real possibility that no one will even make it to the field. If they do, we’re in for a hysterical mess that we’ll all be talking about clear into next season. I guess… uh… hell, let’s give it to Buffalo. Anything can and will happen here.
BILLS
BMK: Seven feet of snow? Man…not even God wants to see the Jets play the Bills, and he loves EVERYBODY.
BILLS
—–
BUCCANEERS at BEARS
D.T.: Tampa Bay Head Coach Lovie Smith pays his first visit to the team that fired him, two years ago. This is like running into your ex-girlfriend two years after breaking up, wherein she’s moved on with an average-looking but respectable dude, and you’ve spent your time drinking cheap beer eating chocolate frosting. Sadly, the Bucs actually have more to gain this week, since they’re still in the playoff hunt in such a shitty division. It’s incredible that the Bucs have a 2-8 record, halfway through the season, and they’re only two games under their division’s leaders. The Bears can probably concede to the fact that the Lions and Packers own their division this season, so this win is really just a slap in the face to Lovie. And I believe that slap will be firm.
Avoiding eye contact from across the field will be key.
BEARS
BMK: Has any team this year disappointed more than the Bears? I mean, besides Team Krol?
It seems like everyone expected them to be way more competitive than they’ve turned out to be. Which is a shame, because I think football is better when Chicago is doing well.
BEARS
—–
CARDINALS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Okay, what I’m about to say does not come from a place of bias, or being an Arizona local: the Seahawks are a vulnerable, beatable team if the Cardinals have their heads in the game. Bruce Arians’ squad is notorious for having trouble covering Tight Ends, and Seattle has none to speak of. Seattle’s middling receiver corps is going to match up against Arizona’s backfield in the Cardinals favor, as Corners Patrick Peterson and Antonio Cromartie are playing at peak level right now. Richard Sherman has been on the slow side this season, and he’s been getting smoked by receivers quite a bit; Arizona would do well to match him with speedster John Brown. The three biggest opponents Arizona will have to face in this match-up are Marshawn Lynch, Russell Wilson and their own mental demons. The Arizona run defense has been excellent, and putting pressure on Wilson by blitzing will limit his options. This is a winnable game, even in Seattle, if the Cardinals can keep their heads free of divisional rival and defending champion psyche-outs.
CARDINALS
BMK: DT makes a convincing argument. However, Seattle’s back is against the wall. And that’s when Seahawks are at their most dangerous. Or something.
Do Seahawks even have backs? I mean, I guess they do, being three dimensional beings and all. Speaking of Euclidian geometry, can you imagine an extra-dimensional seahawk? A fourth dimensional seahawk would just be a long line of seahawks. And a fifth dimensional Seahawk would be badass. It could score touchdowns, defend the pass, and tell Matt McConaughey’s daughter how to find NORAD using binary code.
Regardless of DTs sage wisdom, I’m going with the Seahawks this week.
If the Cardinals win I’ll celebrate like this kid…
SEAHAWKS
—–
RAMS at CHARGERS
D.T.: The Rams defeated the Broncos last week, pretty handily. Was it a fluke, or something more? They travel to San Diego to face another offense-heavy AFC West team, but one with a struggling quarterback. The Chargers looked shaky last week against the Raiders, in a surprisingly-low scoring match-up, in which Rivers only threw one touchdown completion. The Rams defense is fired up, and you know what? I think they’ll put the fear in San Diego’s quarterback, who’s desperate for a rebound. Expect a low-scoring affair, with the Rams defense commanding the field.
RAMS
BMK: I have a soft spot in my heart for the Rams. Of course, after my bypass I have a soft spot in my heart for everyone. Hiyo.
Anyway, the Rams are a lot closer than I think people give them credit for. Their defensive line is a goddamn monster at the very least, and I expect that monster to eat Philip Rivers whole, pausing only to spit out his ridiculous bolo tie.
RAMS
—–
DOLPHINS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Broncos’ offense took a hit last week, while squaring off against the Rams. Running Back Montee Ball, Tight End Julius Thomas and WIde Receiver Emmanuel Sanders are all currently questionable to appear in this week’s game against the Dolphins. If the latter two are out, it could spell trouble for Manning: their absence last week was noticeable, and threw Peyton off his rhythm. He’s a quarterback who loves his comfort zone, and shifting it results in frustration and mistakes. It’s key for the Dolphins to be aware of that, and exploit it: turnovers, dropped passes and trouble maintaining organization could all result in a bounty for the ‘Fins, if they want it. Dolphins Quarterback Ryan Tannehill is still on a roll, but his questionable offensive line is going to be ripped up by Denver’s defense. It’ll be interesting if this match-up ends up being a defensive struggle, with both powerful offenses feeling helpless. I think it’ll be close. For right now, though, until we know the status of Thomas and Sanders, I’ll stick with the Broncos for the home win.
BRONCOS
BMK: Peyton lost last week. To the Rams. Let that sink in a for a second.
Anyway, Peyton is 63-2-1 when facing an animal mascot the week after losing to an animal mascot. So He’ll beat the Dolphins handily.
BRONCOS
—–
REDSKINS at 49ERS
D.T.: Holy shit, could things be any worse in Washington? Their Quarterback has physically and emotionally buckled under the weight of being a would-be-savior to a doomed franchise. Everyone is pointing the finger at someone else, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the general feeling of the locker room was more doom and gloom than even Oakland’s. The Niners are a bit of a mess too, but at least everyone knows who’s to blame there.
“ISIS. It’s ISIS, right?”
The Niners claimed a narrow victory over the sloppy Giants, and they’ll find themselves easily dominating a Redskins team that’s dominated by their own directionless in-fighting and lack of drive.
49ERS
BMK: So I picked up Grand Theft Auto V for the Xbox One on Tuesday, and I started playing the Franklin storyline. After playing it for a bit, I got bored, so I started driving like an a-hole, shooting up the town, and generally acting like an anti-social arch-criminal. Then it hit me: I’m role playing Aldon Smith!
49ERS.
—–
COWBOYS at GIANTS
D.T.: The Giant’s defense simply won’t be able contain a rested Romo and Murray. They’re in absolute free fall, suffering from a current streak of five losses. There’s not much else to say, here… I’m not even sure the Giants will rebound against the Jaguars next week.
“Wait. Do you guys feel that? It feels like someone almost said something halfway-nice about us!”
COWBOYS
BMK: The Giants are done and I think everyone knows it. I’m not sure they psychologically recovered from losing to Seattle a couple weeks back.
Now the speculation can begin: who’s replacing Coughlin next year? My vote? Rex Ryan.
COWBOYS
—–
RAVENS at SAINTS
D.T.: It’s getting to be do-or-die mode for both of these teams. The Ravens are one game behind the Steelers for first place in the AFC North, and they’ve no doubt spent their bye week planning a push for a low seed in the playoffs. The Saints are heavily invested as well, being involved in the aforementioned 4-win-tie in the NFC South. The first time to get their shit together in that division will be the one to take it; why it hasn’t been the Saints is beyond even my encyclopedic knowledge of football. The bi-polar season they’re having must be maddening to their fans, and failing last week to contain the Quarterback with the worst passer rating in 50 years is pretty inexcusable. I give it to the Ravens this week: they’ve got more at stake, and there’s actually some drive there, whereas the Saints are just floating along.
RAVENS
BMK: I’m not sure I’m buying the Saints losing three straight, especially not while playing in the Superdome. Brees is still Brees and the Ravens defense is not what it’s used to be (especially against the pass), so I’m taking the Saints here.
SAINTS
—–
DT: Next week is Thanksgiving! And what we have to be thankful for, besides our health, families, beer and Kelvin Benjamin? Some decent fucking match-ups while we feast. We’ve got three solid and exciting divisional match-ups that all mean something: Bears at Lions, Eagles at Cowboys and Seahawks at Niners. The rest of the week looks to be a bit of a mess, but at least we’ll all have left-over pie to sweeten things a bit. Thanks folks, and good night!
BMK: Next week the only thing I’ll be thankful for is Reddi-Whip. And Kat Dennings.
I just want you all to know that I avoided the obvious boob joke here.
THUD Week 11 Picks
Week Eleven…Go to Hell, go to Heaven!
D.T.: I think we’re getting better at this, Krol. We were 69% on picks in week 10, and only under bizarre, unforeseen circumstances were we wrong! The Saints and 49ers found themselves in an overtime nail-biter, so we can’t be blamed for getting that one wrong. And who the hell saw the Jets beating the Steelers after the last two games Roethlisberger orchestrated?
Well, this guy, allegedly. But I don’t put much stock in his foresight.
I hope this week holds more surprises, because it looks pretty flat on paper (goddamn, I get funnier every week). Let’s get into it, and see if we can’t break 70%, Krol!
BMK: I’m not sure if we’re getting better at this or we’re finally getting a feel for this weird NFL season. As you wrote above DT, who saw the Jets beating the Steelers? No one. Except one guy on CBS Sports who picked them. Boy howdy, did I have a laugh at his expense. I held his pick up to contemptuous ridicule, I did. When he was right though, I had egg on my face. And I started writing like an 19th Century British Cockney, what!
Oh, and just for the record, I scored more in 1995 than Ben Roethlisburger in the Jets game. SIC SEMPER TYRANIS Rex Ryan!
This guy doesn’t care if your jokes fall flat…and yeah, I just made a joke that references a 19th Century geometry book.
—–
BILLS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: The only consistency in the AFC East is that the Patriots will win — and even that was questionable a few weeks ago. It’s easy to want to pick the Dolphins because of how they’ve been performing, and how they held their own against a Detroit squad with a stellar defense and their star receiver back on the field. However, this could easily turn into a surprising game, and either team could walk away with a 6-4 record. It’s encouraging for Bills fans that the team’s first injury report for this week lists Sammy Watkins as a full participant and Fred Jackson has been bumped up to limited. Even so, I’m going to stick with the Dolphins to take this, and lift themselves to second place in the division.
DOLPHINS
BMK: This column is a lot like the AFC East. Like the Patriots, DT always came to play and played at a high level, winning and going on to great things. Over the years, the rest of the division pulled the Patriots down with them. That’s what I do to DT every week. I’m bringing him down to my level. I’d feel bad about it, but I have so little in my life I love diminishing others. It’s a problem I’ve been working on, to very little success. I’m thinking about trying heroin next week and wearing nothing but a loincloth on public transportation. That might help.
Oh, yeah. The pick. Ummmm… Dolphins.
DOLPHINS.
—–
VIKINGS at BEARS
D.T.: In week 9, the Vikings earned a narrow victory over the Redskins, and the right to relax during their week 10 bye. The Bears, on the other hand, spent week 10 in football hell, being pummeled mercilessly by a red-hot Packers offense.
Who also happened to score a lot of points.
You can’t help but just feel bad for Chicago. The Packers and Lions were cruel enough to let the Bears and Vikings think they had a real shot at a wide-open division, before slamming the door shut and giving them the finger through the window. Now, the Bears have dropped to four games beneath the Lions, and the Vikes aren’t fairing much better. The Bears compete to tie for last place, and the Vikings compete just to keep a step ahead of those poor bastards in blue and orange.
Possible look at the effectiveness of Chicago’s secondary.
I’m going to have to give it to the Vikings. In a battle of the bad, I’ll give it to the rested team over the brutally downtrodden team.
VIKINGS
BMK: Besides the AFC South, is there a less compelling division in the NFL besides the NFC North? The Bears stink, the Vikings are more interesting off the field than on, and the Lions are above Green Bay only by a game. Seriously, the Brown Bunny is more interesting than this game.
VIKINGS
—–
TEXANS at BROWNS
D.T.: Was two weeks off enough time for Jadeveon Clowney to get over his mysterious illness? Who knows. We know that Arian Foster has been fighting through a groin injury, and is eager to make a week 11 return. He and JJ Watt have become to the two bright points on the team’s roster amidst problems including a shuffling of QBs, and the two will likely continue to impress in week 11 against the Browns, and carry their respective units. Speaking of the Browns: they enjoyed a nice, leisurely week 10 and an effortless victory over the Bengals. They’re likely to be playing on a high, and will most likely win this one, too.
Hey, remember when Manziel was relevant enough to make jokes about?
BROWNS
BMK: Manziel will always be relevant to make fun of. That kid is a douche. While I was hoping to see him play so I could watch him fall flat on his over-privileged face, knowing that he’s riding the pine is good enough for me.
BROWNS
—–
FALCONS at PANTHERS
D.T.: Well, Cam Newton certainly didn’t rediscover his confidence and abilities last week, did he? Carolina fans are becoming restless, having come into the season knowing their defense would be hindered but hoping for energy from their offense. The most exciting thing to come from Carolina this year has been Kelvin Benjamin, but I’m sure people are tired of hearing me talk about him. But come on — how many bad set ups has Cam given him, and he still pulls through? Cam’s porous offensive line demands a healthy share of the blame, though. I really want to say that the Panthers will pull a win out from this match-up against the Falcons’ bottom-of-the-barrel defense, but this is fundamentally a team sport and the Carolina squad needs to go back to working on fundamentals.
FALCONS
BMK: Ugh. This gif reflects what I think about this game.
FALCONS.
—–
BENGALS at SAINTS
D.T.: My, how the ginger has fallen. Last week, Andy Dalton earned the lowest passer rating in game in over 50 years. Let’s think about this: Philip Rivers was completely shut out by the Dolphins, and received the fifth highest passer rating in that game — somehow even behind the opposing team’s number one Wide Receiver. Dalton managed to make that performance look good.
“Thanks, I guess!”
Meanwhile, the Saints would have beaten the 49ers in overtime, if Jimmy Graham hadn’t pushed off a defender and reversed the team’s last touchdown score with a pass interference call. Brees is finding himself prone to turnovers, but he’s still operating his offense with more composure and leadership than Dalton is. Their defense should have an okay time containing the Bengal’s Gio Bernard-less offense and allowing Brees and his receiver corps to control the game.
SAINTS
BMK: Goddamn it Saints, you had one job last week. ONE JOB! And you couldn’t even do that right. All I wanted was to be able to drive around the Bay this week listening to the wailing and gnashing of teeth from 49er fans and guess what? You blew it on a 4th and 10. You’re dead to me.
You should feel bad, Drew. Very, very bad…
But the Bengals suck worse, so….
BENGALS
—–
BUCCANEERS at REDSKINS
D.T.: It’s pretty clear that Lovie Smith doesn’t belong as a coach in the NFL. He was given the boot by Chicago in 2012, after achieving four winning records out of nine seasons, and narrowly missing the playoffs in 2012. It took him a year and the firing of Greg Schiano before he’d find his unhappy, unstable home in Florida — and he’ll likely be looking for another job by 2015. The Buccaneers defense is such a mess that they’re likely not to contain even the rusty Robert Griffin III, who’s lost both games he started in this season. Neither of these teams deserve a win right now — the Bucs for playing like shit, and the Redskins for shafting Kirk Cousins. But, being forced to make a choice before moving on, I’ll go with the ‘Skins.
REDSKINS
BMK: The only thing I know for sure about this game is that it’s completely meaningless.
BUCCANEERS
—–
BRONCOS at RAMS
D.T.: Ah, Rams. As a Cardinals fan, I’m happy you landed that win against the 49ers. However, Arizona had to thank you themselves by taking you to task, and now the Broncos will put you down, hard. Your coach can’t even decide which Quarterback to start, and you’re definitely looking at a 3-7 record at the end of this week. Maybe next year, we’ll join forces and dominate the Lynch-less Seahawks and Harbaugh-free Niners.
Maybe next year, Rambros.
BRONCOS
BMK: The Broncos are going to stomp the Rams harder than Devin Faraci stomped on the 3rd act of Batman Begins.
BRONCOS
——
NINERS at GIANTS
D.T.: San Francisco squeaked out a win against the Saints last week, thanks to a poor move by Jimmy Graham in the zero hour. The week before, they lost a really lack-luster match-up against the Rams. They’re not in good shape, and though their defense is stout as hell, this might be an ample opportunity for the Giants to bounce back. In the first half of their week 10 visit to Seattle, Eli and Company looked decent enough, but the Seattle team rallied in the second half, scoring three touchdowns and setting a franchise record for rushing yards in a game (shared mostly by Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch). New York’s rush defense is exposed, and while San Francisco continues to misuse Frank Gore, you can expect Kaepernick to capitalize on space to run it himself, just like Wilson did. And Aldon Smith will be back in active duty, which will give Manning trouble. It’s a toss-up, but I’ll go with a San Francisco win.
NINERS
BMK: DT, you’re giving the Giants too much credit. The 49ers are going to win this game handily. If for no other reason than the fact that God hates me.
Pictured: God, when asked what he thinks of me.
49ers
—–
SEAHAWKS at CHIEFS
D.T.: Battle of the Wildly Unpredictable Teams with Powerful Running Games. And damn, are these two teams evenly matched. Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch edges out both Jamaal Charles and Knile Davis in terms of rushing yardage and touchdowns, while Russell Wilson and Alex Smith are having nearly identical seasons on paper. And both are prone to interception. The Chiefs’ defense will likely have a more difficult time containing Lynch than the Hawks’ secondary will with Charles and Davis, but most of this battle will take place on the ground. The team that mans up and makes plays in the air will likely be the one to win, and my guess is that’ll be Seattle.
Here’s a stupidly-hot member of the Sea Gals squad. Just because.
SEATTLE
BMK: You know, I got an intuition here. I’m going to go with my gut.
I prefer brunettes.
CHIEFS
—–
RAIDERS at CHARGERS
D.T.: I read today that it’s been over 365 days since the Raiders have won a regular season game. Holy shit. Yes, they’ve gotten better since Tony Sparano took over as head coach, but that’s like saying “Hey, you beat cancer but you lost both arms, legs and your penis.”
“Who needs a penis, anyway?!”
CHARGERS
BMK: Every time I see the name Tony Sparano, I read it as Tony Soprano. Which makes think of Big Pussy. Which makes me giggle like school girl.
CHARGERS
—–
LIONS at CARDINALS — THUD GAME OF THE WEEK
D.T.: Two of the most interesting story lines in this league this year, converging. The Lions have been without their star wide receiver for over a month, their star Running Back and Tight End have been in and out, and yet they keep on winning. The Cardinals’ defense has suffered several blows, their starting Quarterback missing games due to a nerve injury, and they’ve kept winning. Things are different now though, as said Quarterback, Carson Palmer, has suffered a career-ending injury to his left ACL.
To those not directly familiar with the team (like apparently 90% of the sports media) this looks like a devastating blow to the Arizona offense, and a season-destroying turn of events. However, back-up Drew Stanton took over when Palmer was sidelined with the shoulder issue, and went on to lead the team to a victory against divisional rivals, the 49ers. He’s one of the best back-up Quarterbacks in the league and he’s very familiar with Head Coach Bruce Arians’ tricky schemes, which have driven the team to an 8-1 record. The loss of Palmer is a big one, but there are few QB’s better suited to step into his role than Stanton. Plus, the Cardinals still have a heavy defense, solid running game anchored by Andre Ellington, and a stellar receiver corps.
The return of Detroit’s star Running Back, Calvin Johnson, was heralded with a touchdown and 113 passing yards in their week 10 victory over the Dolphins. Johnson’s usage as a decoy is apparently no more, as he looked fast and sharp, despite good coverage from Miami’s Brent Grimes. It’ll be interesting to see how Cardinals Cornerback Patrick Peterson (who’s currently tied for most penalties this season) handles the 6’5″ Megatron, with the physical style of coverage he’s known for using. It’ll take some muscle and focus to overtake Johnson without filling University of Phoenix Stadium with yellow flags.
This will be a tough match for the 8-1 Cardinals; perhaps their most difficult since Denver. Their defense is spirited and capable, and their offense won’t take too much of a hit with Palmer sidelined. Where it’s going to count is containing Detroit’s passing game, and making sure they don’t give the Lions’ secondary any opportunities to turn the ball over. If they can do that — and we’ve seen that they can — they can win this.
Watching this game, my knuckles are going to be whiter than Larry Fitzgerald’s teeth.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game. This fucking game…
I’m an old school Cardinals fan. I had season tickets in 1998 and 1999, when they played in Sun Devil. September home games were hell. You don’t know misery until you’ve sat and watched your team lose to the Seattle Seahawks 37-7 when it it’s 107 degrees in the shade. And cousin, my seats weren’t in the shade.
But after all those years of misery and losing, it’s still surreal to me that the Cardinals are 8-1 and playing one of the most significant games in their long history. Even the year they went to the Superbowl they sort of backed into the playoffs. No one gave them a chance of winning at all (they were 3 point dogs at home against Atlanta). To put it mildly, this team has never gotten a lot of respect.
That’s all changed now. Perceptions are changing. Last week, Vegas pegged their odds of winning the Superbowl at 10-1. Not bad, considering where they were prior to that. National media is talking about them in a complimentary way. Bruce Arians is up for coach of the year. Things are good.
Then Palmer goes down. For the year.
Now, I think Drew Stanton is a serviceable QB. There will be some drop-off, but I’m not sure how much (one magazine wag compared the change to when Van Halen replaced Roth with Hagar, and not so much when Cherone replaced Hagar. I can buy that.). But I think Stanton can win.
Still…the old Cardinals fan in me is expecting a seven game losing streak and them missing the playoffs with a record of 8-8.
The Old Cardinals Fan in me is a jealous and bitter God from the elder days that must be appeased. And appease him I shall.
LIONS
—–
EAGLES at PACKERS
D.T.: Mark Sanchez is enjoying success so far, in his return to the position of starting Quarterback in the NFL. Last week, instead of shoving his head up someone else’s ass, he watched as Cam Newton shoved his up his own ass. Sanchez would go on to throw two touchdowns, and best Newton’s passing yards by over 30. It’s too early to compare him to Foles, but so far, Sanchez has been getting passes out faster and Chip Kelly’s offense has been moving at a snap at every 15 seconds. The last thing this team needs is another Quarterback controversy, but Sanchez appears to be a solid stopgap, and we’ll see how this plays out once Foles is healthy again.
Matt Flynn, on the other hand, is in no immediate danger of ever having to start for the Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers threw for a near-effortless six touchdowns and 315 yards in their demolishing of Chicago’s spirit. The Packers are nigh unstoppable at the moment, and the Eagles will be hard-pressed to maintain coverage and keep up. This could turn out to be an okay game, but I’ll put my chips on the Pack.
PACKERS
BMK: Count me as a backer of the Sanchise. Yeah, when he was a Jet we teased him a lot cause we had him on the spot, but I think he was good QB caught in a bad system. A lot of people tend to forget Sanchez played in a few AFC Championship games (I’m too lazy to Google, so I’m going to say he played in at least ten). Now that he’s with the Eagles and Chip Kelly, this team could get scary. By which I mean they might wear Halloween masks to their games. And some of those masks are downright frightening.
Can you imagine how scary the O-Line would be if they were all wearing these?
EAGLES
—–
PATRIOTS at COLTS
D.T.: If there’s one game you shouldn’t bet a single cent on this week, this is it. Unless you’re Lovie Smith, and you know you’ll be in desperate need of money soon.
Smith shows us just how deep in the shit he is.
No one knows what to make of this game. The bloggers, analysts, stats nerds and couch commandos (all of which Krol and I somehow embody) have come up with such ridiculous facts to decide who will in this, such as Tom Brady’s record on the road against teams with winning records. Really? People out there are justifying declaring the Patriots as early victors because Tom Brady has won more times than lost while visiting teams with winning records. It makes the Football Baby look like fucking Nostradamus.
This is an actual thing. Dude puts a baby in a football costume, and it picks the winners by falling down.
If getting sleepy and falling down is a socially acceptable form of telling the future, then give me and Krol a keg. We’ll predict the next four Presidential elections, the titles of the new Star Wars movies, and the next eruption of Mount Kilimanjaro. Oh, right. Patriots at Colts. Let’s see… it’s going to be Tom and Andrew’s day, as everyone knows. Luck has the better receiver corps, but Brady has Gronkowski, who is a wild card every time he’s on the field. The Colts also have the edge in rushing, as long as the Patriots play their fumble machine, Shane Vereen, and the Colts limit playtime for theirs, Trent Richardson. It’s going to be close and I wouldn’t be surprised if both teams find themselves scoring in the 30s. However, on a purely gut feeling, I’m going with the Colts holding down the fort at home.
COLTS
BMK: For me, this is the game I’m most interested in seeing this week. The Cardinals/Lions one will give me heart burn and be totally unpleasant experience (unless the Cards win in a rout…not bloody likely…crap! There’s that damn cockney again..).
Anyway, I consulted a witch and we took a look at some goat entrails. It told us Colts. It also told us to get some Indian food. Which we did.
COLTS
—–
STEELERS at TITANS
D.T.: After the schizophrenic month Roethlisberger has had, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole in fantasy football. However, I will be playing their defense against Tennessee, this weekend. Titans Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt has continued his blatant war against the sport of Football, running yet another team into the ground with reckless abandon. The man couldn’t coach a Quarterback to save his life, and poor Mettenberger doesn’t stand a chance. He was humbled and humiliated by JJ Watt, was held to a single touchdown pass by the Ravens, and he’s not going to fare any better against Pittsburgh. The Steelers are far and away a favorite to rebound here, and take an easy win.
STEELERS
BMK: The funny thing about DTs screed against Wisenhunt – excepting the fact that every word of it is true – prior to Bruce Arians coaching the Cardinals, the people of AZ were deifying Wisenhunt for getting the Cardinals to a Super Bowl. Ah, how the mighty have fallen…
Of course that was before the Max Hall, Derek Anderson, John Skelton, Ryan Lindely, Brian Hoyer, Richard Bartel debacles…
This is what Whisenhunt sees when he goes to sleep…
STEELERS
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DT: Hot damn, I just realized we were fortunate enough to go a week without having to slog through talk about the Jaguars. Next week, they make their triumphant return as fodder for the Colts, while the Raiders end up going 0-11 against the Chiefs. And I didn’t even need to dress up like a football and fall down. Goodnight, folks!
BMK: No we didn’t talk about the Jaguars. However, we’re Jaguars of comedy writing.
Note: There is no recap graphic because DT forgot to send it to me and I was too busy mutilating Depeche Mode songs to create one. But I’m sure I’m winning. Anyway, here’s a picture of Kat Dennings. Cool it.
This post was written and compiled while listening to Depeche Mode’s Music for the Masses and the nagging voice in my head telling me that I should do more with my life.
THUD Picks Week 10
Week Ten — um…Big Ben?!??
D.T.: Interesting week of football, that week nine was. The Brady/Manning match-up we were all anticipating as setting the world on fire ended up a different kind of stunner than expected. Peyton reminded us how susceptible he is to pressure, and Gronk was a real problem for the Denver defense, like we predicted. There were quite a few other shocks around the league and, with a few exceptions, this week looks to keep that momentum going.
BMK: Another week in the books. Another loss for Krol.
Look DT, before you start acting all a’fool up in the Pacific Northwest because you’re winning, remember if I pick our home team, they’re going to lose. So, if you add in all those victories past week 2, I’m only one behind you. So ease up chief, before I fly down to AZ and TP your house.
Anyway, week 10 is generally when the NFL starts looking to the winter, and thoughts of playoff seeding (and love) start to dominate the minds of the young men who play NFL football. Soon we’ll know if these teams are who we thought they were. So…on to the picks…
BROWNS at BENGALS
D.T.: Are the Jaguars improving, or are the Bengals experiencing some real difficulties? Last week, the Cincinnati squad allowed Bortles and his ragtag band of future Londoners 23 points. The only team to allow the Jaguars more was the Browns in week 7, which resulted in Jacksonville’s only win so far. Now, these two divisional rivals meet for the first time this year, in what will no doubt be a battle of man vs self, more than man vs man.
If we’re counting gingers as men, mind you.
I’m going with my gut, and guessing that the Browns find a way to mess up less than the Gio Bernard-less Bengals (even if they do have AJ Green back).
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns have a better record than the 49ers. Let that sink in for a second. I’ll write it again: the Browns have a better record than the 49ers. And they did it with Brian Hoyer.
I’m seriously rooting for Hoyer the Destroyer. So long as Hoyer’s succeeding, Johnny “Future Trade Bait to the Cowboys” Football will keep riding the pine. That’s something which everyone can appreciate.
BROWNS
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CHIEFS at BILLS
D.T.: Last week, the Chiefs took the pieces of the already broken Jets team and smashed them a little more. The Bills had their bye week, and I’m sure thought long and hard about how they’re going to beat anyone besides said Jets, without any Running Backs.
Don’t cry, Fred. At least the Bills have Sammy Watkins.
The Bills are going to have their work cut out of them, trying to take on a Chiefs team hitting their stride. They still lead the league in interceptions, and it’ll be that secondary that decides the outcome of this game — and Alex Smith is no stranger to interceptions. The way the Chiefs are playing lately, though? I have to give this week to them.
CHIEFS
BMK: I’m going to deviate from the norm here and take the Bills. Looking at the numbers, the Bills aren’t a terrible defensive unit and all the Chiefs have going for them offensively is Jamaal Charles. Granted, that’s a pretty good person to have on your side, but I think the Bills will find a way to slow him down.
BILLS
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DOLPHINS at LIONS
D.T.: The fabled return of Megatron. Or so they say. I have to say that I’m a little more than skeptical about his absence — a high ankle sprain has sidelined players for far less time. There seems to be a trend in the league this year of high-profile players choosing not to play for flimsy reasons, with Calvin Johnson and Jadeveon Clowney being amongst them.
Lunch? Hell yeah! I’ll just tell the Texans I have the sniffles.
Then you have other players like Fred Jackson, who I poked fun at above but highly respect, leaving the field in tears, knowing they won’t be back for a while. It’s a strange dichotomy.
Anyway, the Lions have marched right along during Johnson’s absence, with their defense doing much of the heavy lifting. It’ll be interesting to see how Stafford improves with his best receiver lining up again. The two share a similar dynamic to Brady and Gronkowski, where the former is improved overall by the latter. Will we see an explosive display like what took place when the Lions walked over the Giants? How will Golden Tate factor in, being dropped down to WR2 status? Will Megatron simply be a decoy again, with limited reps?
The Dolphins are celebrating success this season, having just completely shut out and embarrassed the San Diego Chargers. Their 5-3 record is well-earned, but they’ve struggled against stout, oft-underestimated defenses. And that’s telling of the possible outcome of this game, as both teams currently sport the two top-ranked defenses in the league. The ‘Fins struggled against both the Bills and Chiefs this year, which have secondaries known for creating turnovers and shutting out the passing game. Ryan Tannehill’s chemistry with his receiver corp will be put to the test in this match-up.
This game could be a fucking shoot out, or these two defenses could hold the game to as much action as Tim Tebow’s prom night.
It’s okay, Tim, you won’t be a virgin forever. Jesus will find you a wife, someday.
However, I’m going to say that the dual threat of Miami’s offense and defense will be more effective than Detroit, with the return of a long-inactive Johnson.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Ryan Tannehill is playing pretty well lately, but I don’t trust them on the road in Detroit. Here’s why: Dolphins are sea creatures and Lions are land creatures. I don’t care how badass a sea creature is, if he’s on the land, he sucks. Unless they’re sharks caught in a tornado.
Oh hell, did I really make a Sharknado reference? As David Byrne once sang, “My God, what have I done?”
All bullshit aside, I’m going with the Lions because they’re at home. Safford is a better QB than Tannehill, despite his improvements, and the Lions are 2nd ranked run defense in the league, which I think will negate the Dolphins 4th ranked rushing attack and make them one dimensional.
These guys would like to talk to you about your virginity, Tim…
LIONS
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COWBOYS at JAGUARS
D.T. The third and final game of the season played in London. No more fan bases getting a home game ripped away from them. Until next season, when Goodell plans to expand the International Series to five games.
How about this: London keeps the fucking Jaguars. They get a whole season of home games each year, and the rest of the 31 teams don’t get screwed. Hell, let’s throw in the Raiders too.
COWBOYS
BMK: While originally the term powerviolence included stylistically diverse bands, powerviolence generally refers to bands who musically focus on speed, brevity, bizarre timing breakdowns, and constant tempo changes. Powerviolence songs are often very short; it is not uncommon for some to last less than twenty seconds. Some groups, particularly Man Is the Bastard, Plutocracy, and No Le$$ took influence from progressive rock, and jazz fusion.
Powerviolence groups tend to be very raw and underproduced, both sonically and in their packaging. Some groups (Man Is the Bastard and Dystopia) took influence from anarcho-punk and crust punk, emphasizing animal rights and anti-militarism. Groups such as Despise You and Lack of Interest wrote lyrics about misanthropy, drugs, and inner-city issues. Groups such as Spazz or Charles Bronson, on the other hand, wrote lyrics mocking points of interest for hardcore and metal fans, or even used inside jokes for lyrics, referencing specific people many of their listeners would not know.
Other groups associated with powerviolence included Noothgrush, The Locust, Dystopia, Assück, His Hero Is Gone, Black Army Jacket,Hellnation, Charles Bronson, and Rorschach. The doom metal group Burning Witch also released on Slap-A-Ham and played shows with powerviolence groups.
COWBOYS
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49ERS at SAINTS
D.T.: The Saints really needed their divisional win against the Panthers last week, boosting them to the top of the NFC South. The Niners really did NOT need their crushing divisional loss to the Rams, which dropped them down to third place in the NFC West. And it’s not like they played a hard-fought game and were robbed. They’re in a really bad way, and played like shit against a team they’re easily superior to. Their spirits are simply broken, and the rumors of Jim Harbaugh being disliked and probably leaving at the end of the season are looming over their heads again. The Saints, on the other hand, look to be in the midst of an up-trend, mirroring the way the Packers turned their season around after a rocky start. Brees is back on point, Ingram is in top form, and the New Orleans team looks poised for a victory on the emotional, physical and scoring fronts.
Kaepernick has a habit of getting tattoos after failed seasons. I have a suggestion for his next trip to the parlor:
SAINTS
BMK: Last week the 49ers lost and this loss was squarely on the shoulders of Greg Roman. Why in the world wasn’t Frank Gore used in a goal line situation? Can anyone explain to me?
I have a theory about why the 49ers keep blowing it during critical situations. Basically it comes down to hubris. Harbaugh and Kaepernick want to prove that they’re the man, collectively and individually, and so dumb plays like a QB Sneak get called when Frank Gore would’ve scored. Or Kaepernick throwing to Crabtree when he’s not open during the NFC title game.
Seriously, once you view the 49ers though that prism, all the baffling decisions they’ve made make sense.
She helped me with my insights this week…
SAINTS
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TITANS at RAVENS
D.T.: Roethlisberger made an absolute mess of the Ravens’ secondary last week, throwing for six touchdowns, and achieving the record for most touchdowns in two consecutive games (with a staggering 12). The Ravens contained the Steelers’ running game, but what sort of accomplishment is that when the other team’s quarterback throws a touchdown every time he gets handed the ball? This week, they take on the Titans who are fresh off a bye after a humiliating loss against the Texans. They’re rolling out with a rookie quarterback in Zack Mettenberger… man, is it just me, or is the list of starting Quarterbacks in the NFL beginning to read like a sports bar menu?
Anyway, the Ravens defense should be terrifying for Mettenberger, who will probably find himself on the wrong end of a few turnovers and tackles. It’ll be the Ravens here, folks.
RAVENS
BMK: I’lll have a Mettenberger with a side of ignominious defeat.
RAVENS
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STEELERS at JETS
D.T.: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than Neil Diamond on tour in 1972.
STEELERS
BMK: Holy shit, Roethelisberger is going to score more than me in 1995!
Seriously, who could’ve resisted me…besides everyone.
STEELERS
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FALCONS at BUCCANEERS
D.T.: The Bucs are no doubt still smarting after the absolute fucking pounding they took the last time they faced the Falcons. They’re going to play with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they’re probably going to psyche themselves out. The Falcons will want to increase their winning record to an earth-shattering three, and as long as they don’t underestimate Tampa Bay, they’ll probably earn it. They’ll have Running Back Antone Smith and Defensive Lineman Jonathan Babineaux back on the roster — one ready to punch through Tampa’s bottom-feeding defense, and the other ready to ruin Josh McCown’s day (McCown having recently been named starter over the floundering Mke Glennon). The Bucs do have some weapons in their arsenal, though, like… um…
Uh…
BMK: Yeah Lovie, McCown is going to solve your problems…
Can anyone believe how crappy the NFC South is this year? It’s the weakest division in football, which makes no sense to me, given that football is a religion in the south, and a great many current NFL players went to “school” in the SEC.
Anyway, watching this game will be about as pleasant as watching Rosanne Barr sodomize Mitch McConnell while you’re having a colonoscopy. Avoid at all costs.
FALCONS
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BRONCOS at RAIDERS
D.T.: Someone must have sat Peyton Manning down and had a talk with him. He seemed strangely calm and accepting during the Broncos’ nasty loss against the Patriots last week– which is a stark contrast of his angry outbursts in the game against the Chargers, which went entirely his way.
This week, however, he should be all smiles. There won’t be any noise coming from the Oakland crowd, and they probably haven’t paid the electric bill for their scoreboard. Or the salary of their scoreboard operator.
BRONCOS
BMK: Peyton’s going to tear through the Raider’s secondary like I tear through Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster. By the way, try the Sirancha grilled shrimp at Red Lobster. As Kelly LeBrock said in Weird Science, “Hurts so good!”
BRONCOS
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RAMS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Both of these teams are having a laugh at the expense of their mutual divisional rivals, the Niners. The Rams are a scrappy, determined team capable of beating the Niners in a low-scoring, low-energy upset, but what they’ll find in Arizona will be anything but. The Cardinals are riding high on somehow achieving a 7-1 record, and beating nearly every challenge placed in front of them. The Rams will be hard-pressed to cover the unpredictable Cardinals passing offense, and the agility of Running Back Andre Ellington. What we’re going to see here is a lot of explosive defensive work on both sides, and the Cardinals offense scoring early and holding the Rams to a low-score into the second half. The Rams will find a way to catch up and put pressure on Arizona, but the Cardinals are a solid home team and will find a way to land another divisional win.
CARDINALS
BMK: This game gives me all sorts of worries. The Rams beat Seattle (though, to be fair, it took some serious heroics that, if they hadn’t worked, would have gotten Fisher run out of town), and they made the 49ers formerly elite offensive line look as about as effective as a dolphin fighting a lion on land. On paper the Cardinals should handle the Rams easily. This has all the makings of a trap game.
I’m going with the Rams. Mostly because I’m superstitious.
RAMS
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GIANTS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: Possibly the most even-matched game this week? The Giants have lost their last three games in a row, but each has been against offensive powerhouses — something you couldn’t really call the Seahawks this season. The ‘Hawks are averaging about 25 points per game and though their defense is ranked in the top five, they’re struggling to keep their heads above water, just barely edging out their last three victories over the Rams, Panthers and Raiders (what weird fucking note to end that sentence on). Manning is less questionable than each of these teams’ quarterbacks, even with his shaky receiver corps (and his tendency so far to neglect Odell Beckham, Jr. who appears to have a high ceiling), and the ‘Hawks are holding teams to fewer yards, but failing to keep teams from converting on third downs. If Eli Manning can keep a cool head and spread the ball around instead of wasting opportunities on Ruben Randle, the Giants will have a shot. However, it’s Seattle at home, and that stadium is likely to keep the under-confident Giants from developing any sort of rhythm. I’m giving it to the Seahawks.
Pete Carroll informs the team that D.T. is not only going to be at the game, but has picked them to win.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: The Seahawks are sliding. Their offense is pedestrian, and their pass rush isn’t what it used to be. Hell, if Oakland hadn’t Oaklanded these cats would have lost to the Raiders. I trust them less than I trust DT when my beer is unprotected.
Of course, they’re playing the Giants at home. So while they’re not what they used to be, they don’t suck either.
SEAHAWKS
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BEARS at PACKERS
D.T.: These two NFC North rivals meet again for the second time this season. The Bears have found themselves at the very bottom of the NFC North after their loss to the Patriots, and the Packers suffered quite a shocking lost to the Saints. Both teams have had time to lick their wounds and formulate strategies for this divisional match-up. Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers especially should have benefited from the week nine bye, which couldn’t have come at a better time for his week 8 hamstring injury. If he’s back to 100% and willing to make substitutions to keep the team fresh (failure to do so against the Saints left the Packers offense visibly exhausted), they should do just fine against the Chicago secondary. The Bears are in a do or die situation, and despite having started the season as a strong road team, they’re slipping in a big way. I don’t know if a difficult divisional game against a bitter rival is where they’ll right the ship.
PACKERS
BMK: Ugh. The Bears. Jay “Neckbeard of the North” is just not getting it done, and this isn’t the game that will right the ship either.
Respectfully, the Bears slipping was always going to happen this season. They aren’t particularly talented on either side of the ball (some bright spots, like Brandon Marshall not withstanding), and the NFC North has some heavyweight players in it. Basically, whenever you see the Bears you’re watching the physical expression of reverting to the mean. You’re also watching what happens when players try following a recalcitrant guy who’s allergic to razors.
PACKERS
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PANTHERS at EAGLES
D.T.: The Panthers’ defense has had a tough time of it. The loss of Greg Hardy took more out of them than most expected, and on the other side of the ball, Cam Newton has been playing with a real lack of confidence. The Eagles are at a precarious crossroads, too. Starting Quarterback Nick Foles has suffered a broken collarbone which has him sidelined for six to eight weeks. The speed of their hurry up offense has already taken a big hit this season, and it’ll slow down even more with notorious chicken tender enthusiast, and offensive lineman ass fetishist, Mark Sanchez at the helm. We’re not going to see the same no-huddle energy out of the Eagles for the remainder of this season, and the Panthers would do well to find ways to exploit that. And if Cam Newton can regain his groove, finding his receivers again, the Panthers could win this.
I’d be lying if I said I was sorry for this.
PANTHERS
BMK: Cam Newton, look upon the Sanchise. That’s where you’ll be after your rookie contract is up.
EAGLES
—–
And there we have it! Week 10 of terribly-justified picks that would make professional analysts piss themselves. And give Jon Gruden an excuse for this particular case of pissing himself. Next week holds only two games that look exciting on paper, so savor this week for all it’s worth. I’ll be savoring this sweet, sweet lead I have over Krol.
Yeah yeah yeah…
This post was written and compiled to the sound of my flagging manhood. And the Who.
THUD Picks Week 9
Week 9 — It’s Divine!
D.T.: The halfway mark. The point where each team in the NFL should have a fairly clear view of themselves and where they’re headed this year. Barring injuries or other extenuating circumstances, we’ve cut the chaff from the wheat, and we’re developing a picture of what the playoffs will look like. Right? Fuck no — this is football. Anything can happen, and anything will happen! Like Mark Ingram deciding to be a professional athlete on Sunday night, or Gronkowski breaking franchise records instead of his arms, or Ben Roethelisberger trying to punt!
This shit actually happened. Note the ball traveling 90 degrees from his foot.
And that punt wasn’t even the weirdest thing a Steeler did that day.
What I believed was going to be a dull, uneventful weekend of football ended up being a delightfully bizarre series of events that proved, aside from a few apparent lock-ins, we still have no clue how this season is going to play out. But we’re still going to make wholly uneducated guesses anyway, and have fun doing it!
BMK: Man you nailed it with the “wholly uneducated guesses” line. What are we anyway? Below .500? We have a worse record picking games than using a coin flip to make our picks. Maybe we should do that next week…
Part of that, I think, is due to this year being something of a transitional year for the NFL. The traditional powerhouses of the last few years are fading away and new young teams are coming up.
Or are they?
A few weeks ago, people we leaving the Patriots for dead. Now they’re going to play Denver in the AFC Championship. Earlier this year, some prognosticators had the Saints winning the Super Bowl. Then they were dead. Now they’re back.
Basically no one knows shit. Especially DT. Unlike me, he’s not doing any real homework and analyzing. He’s getting his picks from a bookie. I just know it…
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SAINTS at PANTHERS
D.T.: What the hell is up with the Saints? Are they the team that narrowly beats the Buccaneers, or the team that stomps the Packers in stunning fashion? Their running game, nearly absent this season, was phenomenal, with Mark Ingram in full beast mode, and Drew Brees played like he was back in 2013. Is it a fluke? I think part of it might have been. The Panthers, on the other hand, are at least consistent. They’re a struggling team with small flashes of greatness, but put to the test against potentially superior teams, they lose their way. Last week against the Seahawks (who obviously, as I said last week, have more problems going on than Percy Harvin being a dick), both teams simply couldn’t put it together, and ended up with one touchdown between the two of them, and a handful of field goals. The highlight of the game came when Kelvin Benjamin stunned everyone by beating out both Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas for a 51 yard leaping catch.
That’s a rookie beating out two Pro Pro Bowlers and Super Bowl Champion defenders.
I’ve been unabashed in my appreciation for the kid, but holy shit. We’re looking at the makings of a real star and a possible candidate for Offensive Rookie of the Year, here. He’s somewhat been the Panthers’ saving grace in this tumultuous season, and he’ll play a big role in the no-doubt-bonkers game against the Saints. As to which team will win, the Saints obviously have the higher amount of potential here. If they bring that same intensity, they could control this game. However, all logic and reason go out the window in divisional games, and they could come into Carolina as flat as they have been in previous weeks. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Sunday was their Packers-esque return to form.
SAINTS
BMK: I’m writing this on Saturday night, so I’m not picking this one and counting it as a loss. I would have picked the Saints, but hey, let’s be fair about it, right?
Why am I writing this on a Saturday night? Well, I went to Disneyland on Thursday (one of the benefits of living in California is the possibility for spontaneous Disney trips; the other is getting fondled by Bears in San Francisco’s Mission District), and I came down with some kind of bug. It’s probably SARS. Since I’m not cool enough to get Ebola. L
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BUCCANEERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Last week, the Buccaneers visited the Vikings, who played down to their level and the two rolled into overtime. Minnesota Quarterback Teddy Bridgewater threw for a fairly respectable 241 yards and a touchdown, but turnovers and frustrating mistakes on both sides made the game a difficult one to watch. Naturally, the game ended with a turnover touchdown in overtime, after the Buccaneers received the ball, then promptly had it stripped after their first pass. In a battle of the bad against the Raiders last week, the Browns found themselves held to just under 40 yards rushing, and squeezed out a win with a pair of touchdowns. We get to look forward to more of the same, as these two lunk-headed teams collide. The Browns will come ahead, by an inch or two. Oh, and there’s a chance Jordan Cameron won’t participate, but that’s par the course.
If I just sit here and refuse to play, will they trade me like Percy Harvin?
BROWNS
BMK: The Browns are sitting at 4-3, which is the same record as the San Francisco 49ers. Raise your hand if you saw that coming. What’s even better is these two teams will have the same record after this week since the Browns are going to beat the Bucs and SPOILERS the 49ers will beat the Rams this week.
BROWNS
—–
CARDINALS at COWBOYS
D.T.: For those in the know, the Cardinals and Cowboys share an unusual rivalry, fueled mostly by fans. You see, dear readers, before there was a franchise in Arizona, the Cowboys were largely considered the favorite, and as the Cardinals have become more relevant, the two fanbases have grown to resent each other. Both sides get riled up when these two teams play, and this weekend should be no different, as both teams vie for superior records. Last week, the Cardinals hosted the Eagles in what ended up being a tough-as-nails grudge match made interesting by a freak storm of yellow flags that hindered players’ vision, movement and agility. Arizona weather is certainly not known for being unpredictable, and rarely do such atmospheric conditions effect sporting events.
There would have been less mess if they’d made it Penalty Flag Day for the fans.
It was possibly the worst display of officiating we’ve seen this season. The Eagles had a clear touchdown denied, for example, which would have been game-changing. The Cardinals ended up genuinely earning the win with some zero hour defense that would make the Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae nod their heads in approval.
The Cowboys, on the other hand, were locked into an old-timey shoot out with the Redskins last week, lead by third-string quarterback Colt McCoy, who rallied the team to a speedy win in overtime. This’ll be a strange match-up because the Cardinals offense and defense sit firmly in the bottom half of league rankings, and yet… they keep winning. The Cowboys seem to be doing everything right this season, and yet they’re still prone to fluke failures. The biggest question mark on this game is Romo’s status. He left the game against the ‘Skins after taking a knee to his injured back, but returned, albeit visibly shaken and slowed. He’ll have the week to rest and recover, but now he’s got a bullseye on his… well, back, and the Cardinals LOVE their blitzes.
Overall, the ‘Boys have shown they can be beaten by scrappy teams, and there are fewer words better suited to describe the Cardinals right now. I’ll give the win to them. What say you, Krol?
CARDINALS
BMK: The Spartans, DT? Let’s not get out of control here, bro. And lest we forget, the Spartans lost that battle. They just held out longer than anyone thought they would. Really, why do we give them any credit at all? So they stymied a larger force for a few days. Big deal. F the Spartans and F Zach Snyder. That’s what I say.
Oh yeah…Football…
The expert consensus pick here is the Cardinals. As a Cardinals fan, that makes me nervous. But I’m an old school Cardinals fan that expects everything to turn to shit at any moment. Ask DT. Anytime anything remotely positive happens for the other team, I’m texting him that the Cardinals are going to lose. It’s our special Sunday tradition. That and him beating me on picks, the fucker…
On paper, there’s a lot to like in this match-up for the Cardinals. The Cowboy’s strength – running the football – is going up against the 3rd best running defense in the Cardinals. The Cowboys don’t do so well against the blitz and the Cardinals like to blitz. Yeah, they have Dez Bryant, but the Cardinals Secondary is shaping up pretty good this year. So yeah, if it were my job to make football picks I’d pick the Cardinals too.
But I’m going with the Cowboys. Arizona’s offense fell completely apart last week against the Eagles (excepting two amazing plays). And at some point the magic pixie dust Arians has been using this season will run out. It runs out this week,
COWBOYS
—–
Eagles at Texans
D.T.: Eagles Quarterback Nick Foles had a rough time in Arizona. He threw for 411 yards and connected with Jeremy Maclin for two touchdowns, but only completed 36 of his 62 attempts, and Philly maintained their reputation for having trouble in the red zone.
And dramatics.
However, despite the presence of J.J. Watt, the Texans’ defense isn’t as scrappy or tenacious as Arizona’s. The Eagles will have an easier time moving the chains and converting in the red zone, as long as their offensive line can hold Watt long enough for Foles to take action. It feels like the Eagles have slowed down their offense to compensate for Foles’ comfort level, and Foles needs to rediscover the confidence he had in 2013. Their strongest asset (that hurry up offense) needs to get back up to speed, and this is as good a game as any to test those limits. Either way, I see the Eagles winning by a decent margin.
EAGLES
BMK: I like the Eagles in this one too. Last week, the laundry was all over the field and that affected the Eagles play. That won’t happen this week. At least, I don’t think it can. Or maybe it will. Maybe Chip Kelly’s Eagles will become the new Raiders.
EAGLES
—–
JETS at CHIEFS
D.T.: “I’m getting sick and tired of losing,” said Rex Ryan after their absolute spanking at the hands of the Bills. Well Rex, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared by the Jets’ GM and ownership, and you’re most definitely out of a job. Starting Quarterback Geno Smith may have lost his first, as he was yanked after throwing three interceptions in three possessions, in the first quarter. Veteran QB Michael Vick didn’t fare much better, throwing for only 153 yards in the next three quarters, and finishing as the team’s top rusher at a measly 69 yards. The Jets are in an absolutely free fall, and Chiefs, feeling confident after their trouncing of the Rams, are likely to pick them apart. Jamaal Charles marched into the end zone twice, and their defense held the Rams to a meager 7 points. Switching to Vick isn’t an upgrade for the Jets, it’s surrender. And they may as well come out of the tunnel in Kansas City waving white flags.
CHIEFS
BMK: Rex, you’re getting sick and tired of losing and I’m getting sick and tired about finding things to say about your crappy team.
CHIEFS
—–
JAGUARS at BENGALS
D.T.: The Bengals need a week of rest after a stressful victory against the Ravens, and a painful shut-out loss to the Colts before that. I hope they treat the Jags to dinner and drinks as thanks.
BENGALS
BMK: Did you guys hear they might have found out what happened to Amelia Earhart? Beyond the fact that she died, that is…
Anyway, that’s more interesting than any games the Jaguars play…
BENGALS
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CHARGERS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: Rivers had a rough week, last week. The Chargers and Broncos were neck and neck in the AFC West, giving that divisional match-up significant meaning. He had himself a great performance though, and matched Manning touchdown for touchdown. Against any other team, it probably would been a victorious effort. Still, the Bolts ride a two-loss wave into sunny Miami.
Rivers demonstrates how close they were to beating Denver.
Meanwhile, the Dolphins surprised no one by defeating Jacksonville, for their second win in a row. Not much needs to be said about the game in detail: the Dolphins arrived, the Jaguars bent over, and what transpired was a display of one-sided, animal-on-animal action that would leave Jeff Corwin feeling uncomfortable.
…on second thought…
Miami has a decent pass defense, which might be able to match the on-fire chemistry Rivers is sharing with Tight End Antonio Gates. The Chargers might, however, find some success in exploiting the Dolphins obvious, singular weakness against Jacksonville: their run defense. The Jaguars squeezed out over 170 yards against them, and the Chargers are no doubt watching game tape to figure out how to do the same thing, and then some. They can beat them on the ground — if they can beat them in the air too, they’ll take the win.
CHARGERS
BMK: The Chargers were paper champions when they went on their winning streak as most of their victories came from substandard teams. That’s not a problem per se. Good teams beat the teams they should and steal a couple from the ones they shouldn’t. The Chargers should handle the Dolphins easily, but don’t let that 6-3 record fool you. This team aint getting past Denver should it make it to the playoffs as a wild card team.
CHARGERS
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REDSKINS at VIKINGS
D.T.: The Redskins are reportedly starting Quarterback Robert Griffin III against the Vikings, destroying any sort of morale the team built after a Colt McCoy-lead victory over the then-6-1 Cowboys. The ‘Skins front office continues to show their ineptitude, cutting the tires any time the team seems to build into a steady momentum.
He really should just save himself the trouble and take snaps from here.
The Vikings have a chance to steal a win, if the Redskins do indeed come onto the field without a developed rhythm and sense of timing. It was a chore for Minnesota, beating Tampa Bay, but I’m giving it to the Vikings this week anyway. Because seriously, who deliberately fucks with a set-up that beats one of the best teams in the league?
VIKINGS
BMK: I was hoping the Redskins would keep who was starting a mystery. Because then I could bust out my “Colt McCoy…more like Colt Decoy, amirite?” joke.
Hey DT, remember when people read this column? Good times…
VIKINGS
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RAMS at 49ERS
D.T.: This should be fun. The last time the Rams and 49ers met, it was a Saint Louis-dominant first half, followed by a rally victory for San Francisco. This time around, they’ll be squaring off on Niners turf. San Francisco is likely to be without pass rusher Aldon Smith this week, as the chances of his suspension being reduced seem slim. That gives Quarterback Austin Davis some wiggle room — and he’ll need it, as the Rams’ Running Back-by-committee method of running the ball doesn’t seem to be very effective at this point. On the flip side, the Niners are coming off a needed bye week, with several injured players looking to return. We’re going to see a refreshed SF squad with something to prove after their last go-round with the Rams, and a Rams team fighting for every opportunity to add a mark to their W column. I think it’s going to be the Niners, though and I think we’ll see a sharper and more even game from them this time around.
49ERS
BMK: Before Jake Long went down again, I was thinking the Rams could be great spoilers all season. That won’t happen now. Especially not against the 49ers. One can dream though…
49ers
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BRONCOS at PATRIOTS
D.T.: This game… could be a big deal, folks. While it’s looking incredibly likely that both teams will make it to the post-season, I’m firmly in the camp that Manning will retire at the end of this season. If the post-season doesn’t work out for one or both teams, this could be a possible final chapter in the Brady/Manning rivalry and a last opportunity to see the two best Quarterbacks of their generation go head to head. It’s football history in the making. It’s also going to be a Clash to the Tight Ends (hey, that was sort of clever), where we’ll see how Julius Thomas and Rob Gronkowski — both celebrating a monstrous season — measure up against each others’ respective defenses. Gronk and Brady have been electric, and it’s that combination that will play a key factor in how the Patriots offense performs. Double, sometimes triple coverage doesn’t seem to slow Gronkowski down, so it’ll be fun to see what Denver does to try and counter this threat.
The Patriots will have to contend with Peyton Manning, who’s meaner than ever. So mean, in fact, that his frustrations and outbursts have extended past receivers running incorrect routes, to fans being too enthusiastic, and scoreboard operators… scoreboard operating.
“Is this your first sporting event, people?! You’re supposed to be fucking quiet!”
The intensity of these Manning/Brady meetings might drive Peyton to straight up murder someone. Probably Broncos Center Manny Ramirez, who has already buckled under pressure a few times this season, and botched key snaps. So predictions for this game: Broncos will win by a narrow margin, but not before making a few key errors in an otherwise sharp game for both teams.
BRONCOS
BMK: This is the game I’m looking forward to the most this week. I’m not a fan of either team, but, like the incomparable DT points out, this has been a great rivalry. I’m hoping we’ll see some serious football pyrotechnics. I’m also hoping we’ll see Peyton go apeshit on the stadium announcer guy, like Paul Newman does in Slap Shot.
BRONCOS
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RAIDERS at SEAHAWKS
D.T.: God damn, someone put the Raiders out of their fucking misery already. I swear, whoever structured this year’s season had it out for them. I know it’s not Satan, because Satan is clearly a Raiders’ fan. So, who is responsible?
This man. Howard Katz. Literally worse than Satan.
SEAHAWKS
BMK: Satan is not a Raiders fan. If he were, they’d win a lot more. Just look at Bill Bellichick and Mike Ditka. Both of those cats worship Satan.
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RAVENS at STEELERS
D.T.: So yeah, Cheeseburger tried to punt. But you know what? The guy also threw for 522 yards and six touchdowns in an absolute stunner against Indianapolis. Big Ben was on fire, and against a team that did pretty damned well that day, too (Luck threw for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns). Coming up against a Ravens squad that just lost to a questionable Bengals team, it’s tough to see how this week’s outcome could be different. However, this is a rivalry game, and rematch from Baltimore’s victory over the Steelers at the beginning of the season. Expect both teams to be preoccupied, and to see a closer match than last week’s Steelers/Colts spectacle.
STEELERS
BMK: When I lived in Pittsburgh, my neighbor told me a story about how these Raven fans were pulled out of their car and got the shit beaten out of them. Pittsburgh’s a manly town. It’s so manly the world’s largest Furry convention is held there every year.
I tend to view my time in Pittsburgh the same way Roy Batty views his life in Blade Runner: “I’ve seen things you people couldn’t imagine…”
RAVENS
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COLTS at GIANTS
D.T.: The football week wraps up with Monday Night Football, staring Andrew Luck and Eli Manning. I have to say, I don’t think it looks good for New York, and Peyton won’t be the only Manning Brother in need of an attitude adjustment.
Don’t you give me that look, Eli. I will take off my belt.
The Giants are coming off a bye week, but they don’t have much of a run game to speak of after injury, and expectations from RB2 Andre Williams are mixed. Eli’s passing game will probably rely heavily on rookie Odell Beckham, Jr., who promised he’d step up to fill the shoes of Victor Cruz, actually did a fairly admirable job. He could find himself Manning’s favorite weapon, if he keeps up that pace. Still, the Colts defense outweighs the positives of New York’s offense, and there’s little reason to believe the Giants’ defense can hold back the Colts who are averaging 450 combined yards per game.
That’s not to say Eli won’t put up numbers (and as someone taking a chance on ODB as my receiver this week in fantasy, I wouldn’t mind a touchdown pass or two), but the Colts should have an easy to moderate outing to end the week.
COLTS
BMK: The Giants cannot keep up with Luck and the Colts. This guy is going to pass all over the Giants and stomp them worse than Oliver Pratt looks.
COLTS
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D.T.: And that does it! Half the season in the can, and we’re ready to take on the second half. Next week, I’ll be trekking out to Seattle, with field-level tickets to the Seahawks and Giants game, so I get to see Eli lose for the fourth time in a row, in person.
Okay, you’re right, Eli. That was just mean.
Next week holds the best team in the league versus the absolute worst, round two for the Falcons and Buccaneers, and divisional rival games aplenty. I can’t wait!
Imagine how this would be turning out if I wasn’t superstitious about picking the Cardinals.
BMK: Enjoy Seattle you magnificent bastard. Maybe when you get back this column we’re doing for CHUD will actually be on CHUD.
This post was written/compiled while listening to the Jesus Lizard.
Ruminations, etc.. 