Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

Archive for November 2010

NASA’s Upcoming Presser

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One of my Facebook friends posted a link to a NASA press conference announcement.  Apparently NASA has some big announcement dealing with astrobiology that is embargoed until the press conference on the second of December.   This can only mean one thing: NASA has discovered aliens and is announcing it to the world to get Wikileaks out of the news.  That’s the only logical conclusion here.

No, not these kinds of aliens...


Written by B. Michael Krol

November 30, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Posted in Random Detritus

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Monday Night Debacle

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I’m not going to rehash the awful turd the Cardinals just shat on a national audience because I don’t do post-mortems.   The season is over, the team has quit, and the sooner this terrible experience is over, the better.  The only thing I hope for now is that the Cardinals lose every game from here on out and get the number one draft pick.  A draft pick that should be used on a QB, but, knowing this team, will probably be used on a Safety.

I do want to comment on one thing though.  A lot is being made out of Derek Anderson laughing on the sideline in the fourth quarter.  During the broadcast, Jon Gruden (who, in my estimation Jaws, is one of the most annoying commentators in sports) chastised Anderson for appearing to have a good time on the sideline during the lopsided loss.   He said he wanted Anderson to be bothered by the play of his team, and, to him it didn’t look like Anderson was sufficiently upset.  These comments, broadcasted nationally, got the press’s attention, and reporters asked Anderson about Gruden’s comments after the game. Anderson got pissed off and left.

Now, as a Cardinals fan, I applaud Anderson’s fire during the press conference. Maybe next week he can picture Gruden during the game and play better.  Or, at least with a little intensity.  However, I think Gruden is making a big deal out of nothing, Jaws.

If you watch the video from the Monday night game, yes, you see Anderson laughing weakly and smiling.  But that’s not all.  You also see Anderson hang his head and look at the ground with his shoulders slumped.  What does that body language tell you, Jaws? Clearly Anderson is upset.  Most people who are having a good time don’t hang their heads and avoid eye-contact, Jaws.

Yeah, this guy looks like he's having a great time, Jaws.

Anyway, this begs the question: what does Gruden want from Anderson?  Anderson, as the QB, has to inspire confidence in the other players. If he cannot do that (and I’m not saying he can), then he shouldn’t be in the position. Now what will inspire confidence in a blow-out like that?   Does Gruden think Anderson will inspire the team running around, foaming at the mouth, and screaming his fool head off?  Will that help the team play better? To see their QB acting like a lunatic? Or, does Gruden want Anderson to be morose and down, acting defeated.  Yeah, that’ll help inspire his teammates, Jaws.

Look Gruden, criticize his play, his accuracy, or his penchant for throwing 10 yards over a receiver, but leave the guy alone when it comes to his sideline demeanor.  Especially when there are plenty of examples of him acting pissed off when he misses a receiver or throws an interception.  I know — I’ve seen him do that a lot this season, Jaws.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 30, 2010 at 10:46 am

Happy Turkey Day

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Hope you all have a good Thanksgiving.  I won’t, however.  Today I’m dealing with a sick pug.  Anyway, enjoy and be thankful for something.

The movie that ruined "gobble gobble" for the rest of us...

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Harry Potter Edition

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Okay, I, like most of the civilized world, checked out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One this last weekend.  In fact, I saw it twice.   On the whole it worked better for me the second time than it did the first, and for that I am grateful, since I seem to be the only person in the free world that doesn’t think it’s all that.  And I hate being the odd man out on cultural touchstones.

Anyway, to lead up to the premier, I watched the previous six films in order.  Not all in one day of course (though I did attend The Harry Potter Adventure at my local AMC, where I saw 5 and 6 before the midnight premier of 7).  As I was watching the flicks, it occurred to me that there was a very simple way to avoid the entire rigmarole that Harry was going through.  We’ll call it the Cameron solution.

So what’s the solution?  Easy: go back in time and fuck Voldemort up.

This guy would've killed Tom Riddle as soon as he saw him...

You see, time travel is firmly established for the Harry Potter universe in book three.  In that book, Hermione has a locket that lets her go back in time.  The teachers allow a thirteen year old girl this potentially planet wrecking power because she wants to take a bunch of extra classes.  And it occurred to me during the Godric’s Hollow sequence in film 7, that if everyone in the wizard world wanted to get rid of this no nose bastard, it would be very easy.  As an example, all Dumbledore has to do is go back in time and line Harry Potter’s house with C4.  When Voldemort walks in to kill Lilly and James, blow the house, and Voldemort, the fuck up. Hell, if Dumbledore was feeling nice, he could even warn Lilly and James Potter before he does this.  Or not.  Dumbledore can be something of a prick.  Just ask Aberforth.

Or, if that’s too subtle for you, go back in time and ice the little bastard when he’s just molesting kids at the orphanage.  It would be very easy. I imagine it would go something like this:

Dumbledore: Tom Riddle?

Tom Riddle/Voldemore: Yes.

Dumbledore: Avada Kadevera!

Tom Riddle/Voldemort: Arrrghh!

Dumbledore: (looks at watch) Sweet, it aint even tea time yet. Time for a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon. I’m audi!

And don’t give me any of this garbage that Dumbledore didn’t know that Tom Riddle would be such a problem.  His future self could warn his past self.  Like so:

Old Dumbledore (O.D.): (appears in young Dumbledore’s office): Hey!

Young Dumbledore (Y.D.): Dude, you look just like me.  But older.

O.D.: That’s cause I am you, genius.  And speaking of which, you know that kid you just let into Hogwarts? You know, the one from the orphanage who used to steal and molest the kids?

Y.D.: You mean the creepy looking one?

O.D.: That’s him.  Turns out that decision won’t make our highlight reel.

Y.D.: It was a bad move then?

O.D.: You could say that.  So, here, take your wand and go waste the little prick before he becomes a full blown a-hole.  Capisce?

Y.D.: Got it.  After that I’ll go get a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.

O.D.: Yeah, about that…turns out we’re gay.

Y.D.:  Really?  Guess I should start dressing better, huh..

See?  It’s simple and spares everyone in the Potterverse a bunch of nonsense.  Just kill the jerk before he gets into any trouble and then go have a 40 of Butterbeer and some sweet witch poon.   Easy as pie.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 22, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Type-Os…I has them…

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So a reader emailed me the other day telling me about an error in my Freedom of Speech post.  That’s more than a little embarrassing.  Anyway, I’m apologizing in advance for any type-os you find.  I am a terrible proofreader, but I am trying to get better and get better I shall!

This was one of the first images in my Google Image search for Type-O. Pretty aint he? Just like a girl...

This micro-post reminds me a lot of Domino’s Pizza’s recent “We’re shitty, we know we’re shitty, but hey! We’re trying!” ad campaign.  Which is just too bad since I hate Domino’s Pizza.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 11, 2010 at 10:45 am

Freedom of Speech, Just Watch What You Say

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This morning I was reading a site called ProBasketBallTalk.Com (guess what it discusses), and I came across an article about some douchebag that wore a Lebron James Heat jersey to a Cleveland Indians game a few weeks ago.  Clevelanders are still sore about James leaving and the way he left, so, when this idiot shows up to the game wearing James’s new Heat jersey, things got tense.  Like so tense he had to be escorted out of the ballpark in the Sixth inning.  That was probably a smart thing to do.  This is the town that showered their football team in plastic beer bottles when a call didn’t go their way.  Tough crowd.

Anyway, the Miami Heat got wind of this idiot and thought it was funny.  So, the Heat offered the clown an all-expenses paid trip and VIP treatment at an upcoming Heat game.  Of course, when word of this trip got out, via the moron’s Facebook page, the Heat decided the offer was “premature” and is not bringing the kid down for a game after all.

What dopes.

But that’s not what caused me to put pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to keyboard).  Nope.  That story, while idiotic, is everything I expect from the Miami heat organization: it was classless, poorly thought out, and tacky.  No, dear Reader, what got my juices flowing was this lovely comment from some dude named GlobalCons. Here it is, addressed to the author of the piece, in its entirety.


Hey Kurt, maybe you need to be reminded that when you live in this country there is a little       thing called free speech, first amendment. You remember that right? Oh forgot your a a______,               journalist, who couldn’t make it at a real job. Next time you want to grandstand, try sticking up          for the fan who has a right to cheer for whatever team, wherever he wants. Unless you can        show where he broke the law, your story is garbage. Ever been to basketball game? Lots of    people cheer for the visiting team too….its called A FAN. Hats off to the Heat, who understand it,                 even if you dont.


GlobalCons trucks in one of the most common misconception of the First Amendment: that it applies anywhere.

I see this kind of confusion all the time, and it’s not just relegated to the Interwebs.  Nope, you hear it whenever someone is told to shut up or when someone is told he’s being a moron.  “Hey! I got Freedom of Speech man! So screw you!” Sorry pal, but you don’t.

Here’s the rub about your Freedom of Speech: it only applies to the government.  Yep, that’s it. Not to private conversations, not to private companies, not to private citizens.  In fact, your Freedom of Speech has been watered down by the courts so much that, really, the only Freedom of Speech you have is the freedom to stand on the sidewalk and shout nonsense till your heart’s content.   So long as that nonsense isn’t “fighting words,” that is.

This is Just Dumb...

As mentioned above, you also see this misunderstanding trotted out whenever someone is told he’s being an idiot. Apparently, people believe that the First Amendment guarantees them the right to have their expressions respected.    Sorry Sunshine — that’s not the case.  The First Amendment only prevents the government from shutting down your speech in certain areas.  It does not mean anyone has to respect your harebrained ideas or politely tolerant your rancid dribble.  No one idea’s or thoughts are entitled to respect in this country, and there are many ideas that do not belong in adult discourse at all (Birthers, I’m looking at you). Now, we can talk about whether this is a good thing (I’m inclined to think we, as a society, could stand being a little nicer to each other), but, legally, no one has to respect what you say.

If someone shows up at an Indians game wearing a Lebron James jersey, yeah, it’s within his right to do so, but it’s also within everyone else’s rights to tell him, loudly, that he’s being a complete moron.  If you do the same kind of garbage at a private facility, they can tell you to leave and the First Amendment can do nothing for you, man.  This also applies to the Internet.  No one has to give you a forum to spout your opinion on the Internet.  So, if your message board account at BarelyLegal.Com is shut down, or you’re banned from Chud.Com, you do not have a First Amendment claim.   The world will have to do without your opinions of whether or not the new Thundercats cartoon is grim’n’gritty enough.

To sum up, unless the government is coming down on you, the First Amendment probably doesn’t apply to your life whatsoever.  No private entity has to give you a forum for you to voice your opinions, and if the entity is kind enough to do so, it does not have to respect your ideas. Which goes double for private citizens.  You have no Freedom of Speech with me, nor I with you.  If you’re saying dumb crap, I will tell you you’re saying dumb crap.  I’d expect the same from you, but my opinions are always well-thought out and perfectly reasonable to the point of being dull.

No, really. It’s true.  Just ask me.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 5, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Where I’ve Been…

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So it’s been a while, my lovelies. The last time I posted on this blog was way back in August, and it was a sports comment.  A comment that has been disproven by cold, hard reality. That massive bitch reality — why must she always kill my dreams?

Before my full-throated defense of Early Doucet, I had another comment that was promising not to neglect the blog any longer.  Well, now you know what to make of my promises.

Anyway, there are good reasons that I neglected the blog.  First, around the time that I went off the radar, I was putting all my efforts and focus into finishing the first draft of a novel I was working on.  I finished that on the 25th of September — five days before my self-imposed deadline of October 1st.  During that process, I was writing a lot of words a day (at least for me; I’m sure a guy Mr. KIng matches my daily productivity record sometime before lunch), so I was in no mood to write for the blog.  Lame excuse?  Sure.  But it’s the only one I have so I’m sticking with it.  Anyway, most of the time the truth happens to be lame, as is the case here.

Second, after I finished that beast of a book, I was going on “vacation” to Arizona and California.  That lasted from the 2nd of October till the 23rd.  That’s a long time to be away and while I was traveling I didn’t have the time or inclination to write for the blog.   I had visions of doing a travelogue to catalog my adventures, unfortunately I didn’t have a whole lot of time to do that.  Which is a shame because now my vacation is just a series of memories and bad iPhone photos.  Neither of which is very permanent.  But then, blog posts aren’t exactly permanent either.

My vacation was a lot of fun though.  At least, it was once I got out of Arizona.  That state that just puts me on edge now.  There’s a hostility in the air there that I don’t remember existing when I lived there.  Or maybe I was just used to it.  Either way, I’d rather not go back anytime soon. Which is a shame since I have family and friends there.

You have no idea how happy I was to see this...

The California portion of my vacation was much, much better.  I haven’t been to Southern California since 2005 and Northern since 2002.  I saw old friends, met a whole bunch of new ones, drank many, many beers at Toronado on Haight, ran up a huge bar bill at this Mexican restaurant in a sleazier part of the mission district, ate good food, drank good wine, and otherwise had a fantastic time.  Hopefully I’ll be back there again soon.

That’s all for now.  I am back in the saddle and I’ve missed writing for this space and some of the comments I’ve gotten.  Writing is not the best way to get immediate feedback (unlike say, acting or stand-up comedy) but there is some level of interaction with this thing here, and I want to get back into it.    So, stay tuned…I’ll be around.

Written by B. Michael Krol

November 4, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Posted in Random Detritus