Ruminations, etc..

Welcome to the latest in my Simple Solutions feature.  This one discusses Predator, a movie whose plot I should not have to recap.  However, I will, since the plot is simple: a bunch of commandos go in the jungle to kick ass and flex their muscles, and while doing so, run into an alien creature who is in the jungle to kick ass an flex its muscles.   Only one of them has time to bleed.  I’ll let you guess which one.

They don't have time to bleed

Odd trivia time: Predator features two Governors, one weirdo Libertarian, and a pretty awesome screenwriter.   Pretty cool cast, huh!

Before we get into my solution for this movie, let me say something about the alien species in these flicks.  There is no way that their entire culture revolves around hunting and killing. Think about it: they have advanced technology and are capable of interstellar travel. That kind of technology requires a lot of resources to achieve, and if everyone was out killing their to their heart’s content, they wouldn’t have the time or the desire to create it.

Now, I have no doubt that the culture is really, really into hunting and violence, and that the desire to be violent may even drive the technological achievements the aliens utilize in their hunting trips (like in our culture, where many technological achievements are driven by military research). However, I doubt very much that all these guys do is run around hunting things for “sport.”  I mean, wouldn’t that get boring after awhile? Especially since the movies indicate they’re not really interested in a fair fight. Think about it, most intelligent species require a challenge to avoid boredom. For example, I like playing Grand Theft Auto too, but after awhile the non-stop slaughter gets old and I want to do something else.  Like work on my books for children.

He might have time to bleed...

No, these guys are not the ultimate bad-asses.  They’re more like dentists who go on big game safaris.  Or like those manly men in Pennsylvania who wear Ghillie suits and use laser scopes on their rifles in order to kill a docile creature whose brain stopped evolving thousands of years ago.  (In comparison to the hunters themselves, whose brains stopped evolving when Ted Nugent released Wango Tango).

Now — on to the fun!

At the end of Predator, the future Governor of California, a Guerrilla Grrl, and the dude that got fired from the War of the Worlds series, are running towards a rescue helicopter.  The Predator is coming after them, but stops to bump off Sonny Landham.  Something most people would approve of, since the guy’s a goddamn lunatic.

While they’re running, Arnie figures out the Predator will only kill you if you’re holding a weapon.  He kicks the gun out the Guerilla Grrl’s hand and starts firing at the invisible Predator.  He gets hit and yells to the Guerilla Grrl to “Get to tha choppa!” She does.  Arnie sticks around to go mano a mano with an alien creature that possesses superior strength and weapons. Smart.

Eventually, using his bare fists, Arnie defeats the alien and makes the choppa, where he is flown out of the Predator movies for ever.

Here’s what he should have done.  Ready?

Drop. The. Damn. Gun.

All three of them. When they were running in the forest to get to the choppa.  If you know some alien is hunting you, but only wants to kill you when you’re carrying a gun, drop the damn gun and survive.  Easy, right?

I know, I know, the point of the movie is to see Arnie kick the crap out of the alien like he does to California Democrats (ZING!), but, in reality, it makes more sense to drop the gun, get the cannolis, and get to the choppa.

In closing, I’d like to point out that the alien uses my preferred method of solving movie problems.  When he’s defeated at the end, he just blows everything the fuck up.  Awesome.