Odds and Ends pt 1
1. I don’t want to turn this blog into a site for my rants and random hectoring (too late), but texting while driving is one of the worst ideas in the long sad history of bad ideas. Seriously, who does this? I don’t care if you put your phone on the wheel and text with your thumbs, you still have to pay attention to what you’re writing. It still distracts you from the road. You’re driving, Sunshine; things happen suddenly that requires your attention. More so than typing “LOL at ur joke.” Lord, what will humanity do without that little interaction. And yes, I have used my cell phone while driving. But that was when I was young and full of beans. I no longer do it. I’ve learned my lesson about distracted driving, and I did it without splattering a family of four. And yes, I know it is possible to multitask, but if you think texting while driving is a good idea, I’m concerned about your ability to task, let alone multitasking.
And to paraphrase Kurt Cobain, sorry to sound so cravenly PC about this, it’s just the way I feel.
2. This week I hope to get my vampires post done and a post examining the early 90’s counterculture through a Sonic Youth video. Along with other bits of random detritus. The vampires thing is taking longer than I expected. It went from being a humorous piece to a serious look at a cultural phenomenon. However, doing a serious piece would require me sitting through the Twilight “Saga” and baby, life is too damn short. So I’m going
I had no funny ideas using pictures this morning, so here's a picture of Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth
back to being snarky.
3. Lebron James is a serious egotist. And Cleveland should complain to the league about tampering. Something nefarious went down, and if Stern wants to protect the integrity of the NBA (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), he should do something about it.
4. New York will win five games next year.
5. I might — might! — elucidate some of my thoughts on last night’s Entourage episode. My complaints last week must have been addressed. This week’s plot line featured Vince getting a haircut and *gasp* him not asking permission first! Too bad TNT trademarked the slogan “We Know Drama” cause HBO’s coming back hard on the drama baby!
Light to Variable Blogging Ahead
Today will not feature any new insights or wisdom from me today. I have some other projects begging for my attention (read: actually doing them instead of playing Rock Band or scouring the Internet).
This week was very light because some physical injuries made it hard to sit in my chair and work. I know, I know, my life sucks, right?
What kind of injuries? Well, let me tell you something son, when the bus driver tells you to keep your arms inside, you better DAMN WELL DO IT!
Nuff said!
Hang Ups…
Writing a convincing love scene — that’s classy and hot — is really hard to do. At least with my maturity.
Huh-huh. He said hard….
You should've seen what else came up in Google image search when I searched for 'Porn Star'
Lebron’s Decision
Word is Lebron has made a decision regarding what team to join. According to ESPN, he’ll be announcing his decision via a prime-time hour long special on ESPN tomorrow night.
I always dug this logo.
Excuse me while I barf.
Seriously, what’s with this cat’s ego? Yeah, he’s a good player — maybe even a great one — but he still has not won a championship. What gives him the stones to do this? MJ never did this*. Kobe never did this. Shaq never did this. It’s appalling that James and his media enablers are putting together a one hour show documenting the rising ego of an athlete. Other than disgusting egotism, what will this show ultimately be about. It’s about one man announcing to a country with a crippled economy who will have the pleasure of paying him 100 million dollars. Hubris, thy name is James.
At least he’s not profiting by it. Not directly anyway. ESPN is donating the proceeds to the Boy’s and Girl’s club. Which is cool, and I’m sure that organization needs more funding. But before we all start acting like James or ESPN are some kind of philanthropists, let’s remember that every time some half-wit talks or writes about this special, it increases the brand awareness of ESPN and Mr. James, which translates to more cash for both of these entities. And yeah, this group of half-wits includes me. So I’m going to stop.
* MJ has his own brand of hubris, but at least that guy can justify it with his performances on the court and off. Not sure his Hitler stash is justified though….
Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: The Usual Suspects Edition
Back when I was in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois, we used to watch the Usual Suspects all the time. And again, one thing always bothered me: there was a more simple solution to their problems with the boat at the end of the movie.
For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, stop reading and go rent it. It’s way too complicated for me to summarize, and this article assumes a lot of basic knowledge of the movie. I know, I know… I’m mean. Well, it’s not my fault you haven’t seen this classic of neo-noir. Don’t get in my face because you have a problem!
Have I alienated enough readers yet? Okay. Enough of this gristle! On to the meat!
You call this a solution, Krol?
So here’s the situation: four guys need to kill a bunch of Argentinians on a boat in San Pedro harbor or they’re all dead. To sweeten the deal, a pack of Hungarians are showing up with 90 million dollars to buy some coke from the Argentinians on the boat. If the four guys can kill everybody, they get the money.
Not a bad deal right? Kill a bunch of people and get 90 million clams to split four ways. Cool. I’m in.
What follows in the movie is a completely boneheaded plan and they all end up dead. Except for one guy, Kevin Spacey. (I mean the character Kevin Spacey plays. Not, you know, Kevin Spacey himself. Though what would be really cool and meta.)
Okay, first things first. I really like this movie. Despite starting the unfortunate trend in movies where the final scene is a twist (a shtick M. Night beat into the ground), it’s a well paced and well constructed thriller. So this is not a case of me just hating on a movie.
And yeah, I know that the movie is being told to us by an unreliable narrator, and everything we know about the boat, money, etc, could be wrong. Yeah, I’ll grant you, Kevin Spacey in the movie is an unreliable narrator (unlike Jason Statham in Snatch, who always pays the rent on time, is never late, and will always pick you from the airport, making him a reliable narrator), but we do know there is some truth to the matter. For instance, the movie, outside of Spacey’s narration, establishes that there was a boat in San Pedro harbor that was attacked the night before. This shows there could be some truth to what Spacey is telling us.
So my solution is based on a few assumptions. Sue me. If you don’t like it, there’s always LOLCats for you to read.
Anyway, Gabriel Byrne and the boys decide to attack the boat directly. This after he determines the task cannot be done. You know what I do after I find I’m in an impossible task? Yeah that’s right, I attempt the hardest possible solution.
What they should have done was hire a bunch of guys. Easy solution right? Take 10% off the top — 9 million — and offer it to a bunch of killers. Like 30 of them. Set them loose in the harbor. And once everyone’s dead, drive the cash away.
How DARE you call me a right-wing hack! Oh...yeah...
Of course Spacey and the boys now have the problem of a bunch of killers knowing that you have 90 million in your possession . That’s when they hire another set of killers to get the original set of killers. Brilliant, huh? With problem solving skills like these I could be the Mayor of Springfield.
Or, how about this: get some scuba gear, get close to the boat in the San Pedro harbor and put explosives all over the boat, right by the water line. And I’m talking lots of explosives. Enough C4 to take out Poughkeepsie, at least. Swim away, radio to Kevin Pollack that you’re clear, and blow the boat the fuck up. Easy. All the guys in the boat are dead. Now, with two machine gun nests strategically placed, make the van into Swiss cheese. Drive away with the money and blow it on coke and whores. Assuming you hired some additional guys to help, there are extra points if you double cross the guys you hired by shooting all of them after blowing the hell out of the van.
So there you have it. Another instance in life where you can blow the fuck out of your problems. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to indulge in a triumphant cocktail for a job well done.
Later Today
Not really feeling like writing anything today. The books I ordered from Amazon came in, so I’ll probably be spending time with them instead. Here’s what you have to look forward to this week:
1. Another Simple Solutions post about the Usual Suspects
2. A post explaining why I hate vampires
3. Random pop culture detritus
July 8th Can’t Come Soon Enough
I am sick to death of the LeBron James free agency nonsense. Honestly, I’m not sold on him as a great basketball player yet, and it’s pretty clear he can’t get it done by himself.
I know he can’t sign anywhere until the 8th of July, so I have to endure more of the Lebron James Sweepstakes garbage for several days. Frankly, I hope he signs with the Raptors or the Kings, just to piss everybody off.
Sorry Lebron -- you need at least two stars to win in today's NBA...
The Problems With Vince: Reviewing Entourage Season Seven, Episode 1
I watched the season 7 premiere of Entourage last night. Man, did that show turn into garbage.
There are several problems with this show, chief among them is that there’s no conflict. No real conflict, anyway. The characters don’t really have any problems or obstacles to overcome, and as a result the show is boring. It’s the basic rule of storytelling, right? The audience wants to see the main character overcome obstacles, and in the process of overcoming those obstacles, the audience gets to know the character and begins to like and care about the character. So what was the big obstacle in last night’s episode? Whether or not Vince would do a stunt. Way to shoot for the stars guys.
Mark Wahlberg's response to my thoughtful criticism.
Last season stunk, but there were a some seasons — three, four and five — that were actually interesting and had some compelling storylines. (Compelling for a 22 minute TV show based around Mark Wahlberg’s life, anyway). In those seasons, the characters weren’t on top of the world. Ari Gold was trying to get his own agency started after getting pushed out of his old agency; Vince and E were trying to get Medellin film made; and when Medellin flopped, they needed to resuscitate Vince’s career. Those are good obstacles for these characters. It created some interesting individual storylines and some interesting drama. In short, it was good storytelling.
Season five actually had some potential. Vince’s career was in the toilet. He needed to learn some lessons about how to play the Hollywood game, and he needed to learn how to be an actor. He had to grow as a person, which could create some interesting stories and themes. At the same time, E was trying to grow into his own person as well, both personally and professionally. I’ve often thought that this show was about E, and the wreckage of Vince’s career would give E an opportunity to, perhaps, become a player in Hollywood. And that could lead him to rescue Vince the same way Vince’s career got E out of the pizza parlor.
These guys can't believe how bad Entourage has gotten either...
Or maybe not. Maybe Turtle did something big and helped Vince out. It doesn’t matter. Now, before I cross into the seedy world of Entourage fan fiction, the point is that there was some potential to develop some challenging obstacles and to allow the characters to grow. And all that potential was destroyed with that stupid deus ex machina phone call from Martin Scorsese.
Look, no one is expecting this show to delve deep into the human experience and mediate on deep themes of life, love and friendship. This show doesn’t have to be “deep,” but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for decent stories. And at this point, it seems like that’s beyond the creators of Entourage.
The Quiet Blog
So there was no activity here this weekend. Apologies for that. I was drowning my sorrows over Team USA’s loss on Saturday and Sunday I wanted to finally finish Crime and Punishment, so no new stuff.
To make up for my transgression, here’s a picture of my other pug, Gloria.
The Princess in repose..
Afghan Whigs: Congregation
Just picked up Congregation via iTunes. Not that great guys…Miles Iz Ded is probably the highlight. Oh well…they can’t all be Gentleman.
John Curley remembering how bad Congregation was...
Ruminations, etc.. 