Ruminations, etc..

Musings, rantings, and pie.

Nutz to That…

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Here at Ruminations, etc we take on the hot topics of the day.  We examine the pressing issues of today and tomorrow.   Nothing important escapes our analytical eye.

Which brings us to today’s topic: Truck Nutz and car decorations in general. For those of you not among the cultural elite, Truck Nutz are a reproduction of a man’s scrotal sack that hangs off the back of a truck.  So yeah, Truck Nutz isn’t just a clever name.

Pictured: Truck Nutz. Not Pictured: A Mensa Candidate

Many people find Truck Nutz absolutely stupid and vile.  I’m not one of them.  Nope.  I actually find Truck Nutz very useful and I hope their use becomes even more widespread.  See, like a McCain/Palin sticker, seeing a set of Truck Nutz hanging off the back of a truck tells me this person’s a complete a-hole and should be avoided at all costs.  That kind of information is vitally important to me.   Too often, precious moments of my life are taken up by complete  douchebags.  Moments that I will never get back.  So anything we can do to identify jackasses ahead of time is fine by me.  We might even want to tag and track them like an endangered species.  Unfortunately, d-bags like this are not endangered enough, and the ACLU will probably get pissed off if we start tagging them. Oh well — another good idea gone to seed.

Seriously, who in the hell would buy these things?  Who’s sitting at home, thinking to themselves, “You know what I need?  I need a big set of testicles hanging off my truck! Then my life will come together!”  These are the same dopes that put bullet hole stickers on their cars and decorated their bumpers with “How do you like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT!” stickers in the 90s.  If this was 30 years earlier, I’m sure these tools would have an “Ayatollah Assahola!” shirt in their closet.

Car decorations are just dumb anyway. For instance, in the barren wasteland where I grew up, a lot of people have a sticker of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes on the back window of their cars. What’s wrong with that, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you: the sticker shows Calvin peeing on something. Usually something the owner of the car doesn’t like or some kind of brilliant social commentary, like Calvin peeing on the Lakers or Obama. I think the stickers started with Calvin peeing on either Ford or Chevy (depending on which brand of truck you had, unless you were a truck owner with a developed inferiority complex and had Calvin peeing on your brand), but, as the sticker became more common, the target changed.  My favorite one of all time is Calvin peeing on La Migra. Only in AZ…

Despite being an incredibly stupid idea, I’ve always wanted a Calvin peeing sticker.  But I wanted Calvin to pee on something that would confuse and agitate other drivers, like Calvin peeing on Sartre (because Calvin would obviously reject existentialism), or Calvin peeing on Hobbes, or just Calvin peeing on Calvin peeing on Calvin, etc, in an endless loop that gets smaller.

There's only one word this: classy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and tell someone how I liked their driving…what was that number again?

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Written by B. Michael Krol

July 22, 2010 at 6:58 pm

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