Icing a Bro…Really?
Seriously? Do people actually do this? Is “Icing a Bro” real?
For those of you that don’t know, Icing a bro is when some random douche bag walks up to another guy — a bro, as it were — and hands him a Smirnoff ice. That “Bro” is supposed to drop to one knee and chug the Smirnoff Ice. However, if that Bro who is about to be Iced has a Smirnoff Ice, he can hand to the the Icer and then he becomes the Icee, who must then drink both Smirnoffs.
This guy aint afraid of being iced by a bro...
When I first heard about this I almost put my head through a wall it was so stupid. This just proves my theory that all Frat guys are secretly gay. How else could this kind of stupidity catch on? These guys are running around hoping someone ices them so get to drink it “as a punishment.”
Jesus guys, the net time you engage in that kind of public humiliation and degradation, at least use a safeword.
Simple Solutions to Complicated Movie Problems: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition
Okay, so last night I was watching Buffy season 7 episode 18 (Dirty Girls) and a thought occurred to me: Buffy was screwing up strategically.
This will be Dick Cheney's favorite post of mine...
For those of you who don’t know, this is the episode where Buffy goes after Caleb for the first time. She gets her ass kicked, several potential slayers die, and Xander loses an eye. Oh yeah — there were spoilers in that last sentence.
Caleb and these weird guys without eyes (the “Bringers”) are holed up in some weird barn looking thing on a vineyard. Buffy decides she needs to take them out so she gets her army and heads over there. At that point the whole thing goes kerplooey. Afterwards, she wants to go back and everyone bails on her. Her own sister kicks her out of the house. Harsh bud, bro.
The problem was Buffy attempted a frontal assault and got defeated, handily, by her enemy. Caleb is stronger than her and the Slayer potentials are just weak. Buffy’s main strategy in combat — close quarters hand-to-hand — is an effective one in this case.
Here’s what she should’ve done.
Get some machine guns. A lot of them. Aim them at all the doors from fixed points pretty far away. When the Bringers and Caleb come out, shoot them. A lot. Shoot them in the face. Shoot them in the chest, in the legs, in the junk, etc. These guys aren’t that tough. Knives can bring down the Bringers, and Caleb is only tough in close quarters. Solution: shoot them in the face. Dick Cheney them, as it were.
How should Buffy get them to leave the barn? I’m glad you asked. The barn is made out of wood and stone. So here’s what you do: when the machine guns are in place, fire bomb the shit out of it. Just start throwing Maltovs like you were playing GTA IV. Eventually, the jackasses inside the barn will get the picture and leave. When they do, they get shot in the face. Done. Caleb is killed, the First needs a whole mess of Bringers, and Xander still has both eyes.
What’s really irritating is Buffy has used this strategy before. When she went up against the Judge, another devastating hand-to-hand opponent, home girl used a goddamned rocket launcher. That’s forward thinking. That’s being pro-active and getting shit done.
He got blowed the F up...
In conclusion, when in doubt, shoot people in the face.
Oh, and about that Seal in the basement of the school. You know the one — it’s where all the killer Uber Vamps come from. Here’s a solution: concrete. Lots and lots of concrete. Fill the damn room full of concrete and then go have a shake. Easy, right? Somehow the idea of using a lot concrete to seal up a room eluded a crew that includes a dude that works in construction.
Anyway, still a great show and a good episode.
How Quickly Things Turn…
Been watching the Brazil/Portugal game on ESPN. Brazil is ranked #1 in the world and Portugal is ranked #3 and it was interesting watching two world powers play the game. It’d be even more interesting if I knew what I should be watching for. That being said, Brazil’s ball control looked very good. That’s my game analysis. Insightful, huh?
The new US Soccer themed commercials were fun to watch. Landon Donovan is being featured in quite a few of them, in the same Titan of the Game way that is normally reserved for people like LeBron James. I think that’s pretty cool, myself. Soccer has always been a 2nd tier sport in America and it’s nice seeing our team capture the geist of the zeit.
Americans need someone to look up to (better to tear them down later, after they’ve become successful) before rallying behind a cause or a team. We’re suckers for the charismatic leader. Now it appears that Mr. Donovan is that face of US Soccer. Good for him and good for his sport. If his team can pull off a win against Ghana on Saturday, US Soccer will win over a lot more people. Cause if there’s anything we love more than a charismatic leader, it’s a winner.
World Cup Soccer
Like I wrote yesterday, I watched the USA take on Algeria in the final match of World Cup pool play. What a game that was. Seriously, there were some amazing emotional highs and lows. And beer. Lots and lots of sweet beer.
Now, like most Americans, I have no clue about soccer. I am completely ignorant of its traditions, rules, and techniques. But I am learning. For instance, yesterday I learned that FIFA will only count 1 goal for every three the US scores. An odd rule, but I can appreciate it.
I also learned yesterday that where you watch the game is very, very important. At least in Pittsburgh.
Game Winner
Yesterday morning, we tried to go see the game at Piper’s Pub in the south side. We watched game 2 — US vs Slovenia — there and man, was that a blast. The whole pub was filled with US supporters and people would sing and chant and cheer. It was wonderful to get caught up in that kind of honest, spontaneous joy. I mean it was fantastic watching my countrymen wave our flag and sing fight songs and anthems. It was also great being able to cheer USA! USA! USA! without having to go to some douche bag teabagger rally.
And I think that kind of exuberant joy is really the key to getting involved in the sport. At least to me it was. It was one of the best afternoon’s I’ve had in recent memory.
Yesterday, however, we arrived too late to get into Piper’s Pub so we went down to Mario’s. Now, I like Mario’s, but it didn’t have the same kind of joyous manic energy Piper’s did. Apart from one song, there was no singing, and not as much flag waving. So the atmosphere wasn’t as great and that can hamper the appreciation of the game. Particularly to a newbie like me, that needs the crowd interaction to know when to cheer, like for penalties and what not.
Luckily, the game was fantastic. There was such dramatic tension in that game it kept me riveted. The US needed to win this game to advance or they needed Slovenia to beat or tie with England. So even though this is pool play, this was basically a must win game.
Algeria came out aggressive and would’ve scored first had an Algerian’s players shot not hit the cross bar of the goal. That created some tension right there. Now, also playing at Mario’s was the England – Slovenia game. That game was being shown on two TVs to the side. Shortly after the cross-bar incident, England scored a goal, which meant that the US had to win its game. Having both games going on simultaneously was beyond tense. As each second ticked away, it became more and more desperate for the US.
And finally, Donovan’s goal in the 91st minute. The bar erupted into cheers and screaming. It was amazing. I felt connected to everyone in the room. We had just witnessed something spectacular happen. And we saw it as Americans. That was the key. Nothing mattered then except national pride and pride in our team. People yelled, screamed, and embraced each other. It was a wonderful show of simple joy.
I think I now know why this is called the beautiful game.
USA! USA! USA!
Goin
g to take the morning off to watch the US World Cup game. More bloggy excitement when I get back.
That’s Amar’e!
Okay, to be blunt, the Phoenix Suns appear to be in free-fall. Steve Kerr, the GM and his number two, David Griffin, are both leaving at the end of the month. Right before free-agency begins. Which, coincidentally, is when Amar’e Stoudemire becomes a free agent looking for a max contract. A max contract he probably won’t receive from the Suns.
Steve Nash won't like this post...
Frankly, the Suns are in a bind with regards to Mr. Stoudemire. For one, there are health concerns. This guy’s had more than his fair share of injuries and he’s only 28. Sure, the most recent — and most gruesome — injuries to his eye are unlikely to be chronic, but he has had reconstructive surgeries on his knees. Those can linger. The wisdom of giving such a large contract to someone with a history of his injuries should be explored by someone else with a lot more knowledge of how NBA finances work. Big ticket contracts in pro sports make my head spin. But injury concerns aside, there’s a pretty big reason why Amar’e won’t get a max-contract: his play doesn’t warrant it.
Okay, obvious stuff out of the way first: yes, when Amar’e is engaged, he is an offensive force who is also a great finisher. He’s developed a nice mid-range jumper which keeps defenses honest. When he and Steve Nash are in-sync, their pick-and-roll offense is a wonderful sight to behold.
But that’s not the problem.
No, smart guy, the problem isn’t his defense either. Amar’e will never be a lock-down defender, and it probably doesn’t matter as much, depending on what team he’s on.
It’s his rebounding. For a power forward, his rebounding is sub-par. He doesn’t fight, doesn’t box out, and therefore, doesn’t come up with the rebound.
Rebounding is all about effort. It’s about wanting it more than the other guy. Yeah, players who are tall and have long arms have an advantage, but that can be overcome with desire and athleticism. Look at Dennis Rodman, Charles Barkley, or Karl Malone. None of these guys were seven footers, or even as tall as Amar’e, yet they were out on the floor getting rebounds and giving their teams opportunities for second chance points or preventing the other team from a second-chance opportunity. Hell, take Carlos Boozer as an example. This guy is a contemporary of Stoudemire’s, and he’s still averaging 11.2 rebounds per game. During the playoffs, Boozer averaged 13.2. Compare that to Stoudemire’s 8.9 per-game during the regular season and his pathetic 6.6 in the playoffs. Not good.
Now, his offensive contributions can make up for his lack of rebounding. Obviously the Suns did very well this season without him crashing the boards. However, he wants a max contract. He wants Lebron James’s type money. For that kind of cash, he needs to do everything very, very well. And it’s fairly obvious that he just doesn’t. At least not consistently enough to be awarded with that kind of scratch.
In my mind, a max player needs to make his whole team better; he needs to be able to elevate his level of play when it matters most. In Stoudemire’s case, his play went down when it mattered the most. That just can’t happen.
But here’s the problem: without him, the Suns are in real trouble. There’s no one out there that’s 1) available and 2) inexpensive enough for Sarver that can replace Amar’e’s offensive contribution. Without him, the Suns are lottery bound and fighting the Kings for last place in the West.
So should the Suns offer him a max contract? As much as it hurts, they probably should, but I doubt they will. Something is going on with that team that’s not good. (Kerr’s sudden departure is a troubling indicator.)
However, here’s the kicker: even with Stoudemire, the Suns aren’t good enough to win the Championship. LA is still has Pau Gasol (frankly, a bigger key to their contender status than Kobe). But without him, they’re awful. And if the team becomes awful, the fanbase will jump ship in a hurry, making the Suns/Sarver’s financial problems even worse. An eventuality that’s extremely unpleasant for Sarver.
So Robert Sarver has the choice: pay Amar’e or blow the team up and rebuild. For years.
Good luck, Bob…
My Top 10 Played in iTunes
She's cool with Black Flag, but Moby is pushing it...
…or I have the worst taste in music.
- Rise Above, Black Flag
- Division, Moby
- Hope, The Descendents
- Shot In the Back of the Head, Moby
- Heroes, Peter Gabriel
- Capa Meets the Sun (To Heal), Sunshine Soundtrack
- Sunshine (Adagio in D Minor), Sunshine Soundtrack
- Debonair, The Afghan Whigs
- Stop, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
- Mothers of the Night, Moby
Greetings and Salutations…
The above title should be read in a quasi Jack Nicholson voice, al la Christian Slater in Heathers.
Obviously this site is a mess right now, but it will be cleaned up and made spiffy in time. I’m impressed with WordPress as a platform. There are a lot of features to wade through which is great. But that’s also a drawback. I really don’t want this to turn into Mr. X’s Webpage from the Simpsons, so we’ll be adding features and design elements slowly, but tastefully.
Pug Shot #1
Because this blog’s first post should not be ‘Hello, World’ and it should be cute. So here’s my dog, Stanley.
Ruminations, etc.. 